Ted Lasso (2020) s02e06 Episode Script
The Signal
Tartt, edge of the area.
He has options. Chooses Rojas.
What a goal! Great finish.
You have to say, Chris,
from where they started the season,
this Richmond team is unrecognizable!
What a turnaround for AFC Richmond!
And with that Dani Rojas goal, Richmond
are now on a four-game winning streak.
They've certainly turned things around
since adding their former captain
to the coaching staff, Wrighty?
Absolutely, Seems.
And watching Richmond play, you could
definitely see the Roy Kent effect.
And that leads them nicely
into Saturday's FA Cup quarterfinal clash
against Premiership side
Tottenham Hotspur.
Yeah, good luck with that.
It kills me to say it,
but Tottenham are a top top side.
Unbelievable team.
Coming up next,
we'll preview the quarterfinal
between Bournemouth and Southampton.
-Do you want a cup of tea?
-Yes, please.
-Sugar?
-No, thank you.
Luca, do you believe in guardian angels?
Are they like Guardians of the Galaxy?
Wait, are you naked in my kitchen?
Wearing a smile.
Put some clothes on!
Mina the cleaner will be here any second.
Mina. Do you want some tea?
Will there be biscuits with that?
Mother.
Hello, darling.
I've left your father.
Wait, your mum's your cleaner?
No.
He doesn't listen to me.
He doesn't respect me.
And Esther Perel says
it takes two people to create a pattern
but only one to change it.
I am that change.
Good for you.
Luca, will you please put some clothes on?
I'll start in the study.
Yes, thank you.
Hey, Liza.
Saw your Instagram post on Sunday.
Way to keep
that ice bucket challenge alive.
-Morning.
-Hey, Derek.
Great morning, Isabelle.
-Yes.
-Hey, Ted.
Hey, Liam.
Hey, tell your mom happy birthday for me.
And whatever gift you end up getting her,
let her know it's from both of us, huh?
-Morning. How y'all doing?
-Morning.
You're doing great work, Colin.
And I love your new mantra.
I'm a strong and capable man.
I am not a piece of shit.
-You don't need the second part.
-Right.
-Morning, Colin.
-Hey.
Hey, Doc.
You get in any trouble last night?
Nothing I care to speak about at work.
Doc, you are more mysterious
than David Blaine
reading a Sue Grafton novel at Area 51.
Well, Ted, make an appointment
when you need to talk.
Hey, I talk all the time, Doc.
Just let me follow you around
for ten minutes.
After five,
you'll want me to hush my butt.
-Lookee here.
-Morning, Ted.
Hey. I tell you what,
I'm shipping the heck out of you two.
I'm calling HR.
Yeah, well,
tell Mr. Pufnstuf I said hello.
That is a joke
for people born in the early to mid '70s.
And then they just
changed the shape of the tortelliniâ¦
Well, I don't know about you fellas,
but I am fired up for this FA Cup thing.
I mean, come on.
A March Madness tournament
in the middle of our season
featuring every dang team in the country?
Yes, please.
I mean, what we got?
Davids versus Goliaths, right?
You know? Rockys versus Apollos.
Steve Wiebes against Billy Mitchells.
-What's another one, Coach?
-Pearl Jam versus Ticketmaster.
Classic battle of art
versus commerce right there. Yeah.
I got a question for you though.
Has a team not in the Premier League,
à la us, ever won the whole chimichanga?
-Eight times.
-Eight times. Really?
But not for 40 years.
What have we got here?
Uh-oh.
You back into floating office mode, huh?
Yeah. But it's no bother.
I'm a flaneur by nature.
I get that, yeah.
Hey, Coach, what's a flaneur?
A wanderer.
-What the fuck's wrong with you?
-Nothing.
Jane and I got back together.
-Great news.
-Well, that's nice.
-Fantastic.
-How about that. Look at you guys.
Do you really think that's a good idea?
Shit. Two missed calls from her.
Be right back!
I'd like to request an emergency meeting
of the Diamond Dogs.
Diamond Dogs, mount up.
-Hey, Roy, you wanna sit in with us?
-No.
Okay. Yeah, shut that.
He looks a little bit--
Yeah, you're gonna come in through here.
That's fine. I got you.
Just-- Do you wanna--
Dukes of Hazzard style,
or as you guys probably call it,
"the Earls of Risk."
-Just go round.
-Yeah. Why don't you come legs first?
You wanna-- You wanna jump in?
You'd be in here if you just went round.
-Ready? Here he comes. Right--
-I'm just gonna stay here.
That's fine. Good idea. Probably best.
All right. Okay, Higgiebottoms,
you called this puppy, so start barking.
Well, I'm just not sure that
Jane and Beard are very healthy together.
And I'm a little bit disappointed
that neither of you backed me up
when I just said so.
Okay. Calling us out.
I appreciate that and I hear you, but--
I mean, in my defense,
I know why I didn't say anything.
-And why's that?
-'Cause you should never say anything.
And look, man,
I learned that the hard way.
One of my best friends growing up
was this fella, Marcus Girard.
He dated the same girl from grade school
to high school to college, whole time.
And she could be a little bit of a pill,
if I'm being honest, you know?
No reason to start lying now.
And, well, I let him know that.
I told him so.
And he was not too pleased, all right?
And that is the last time
I ever gave a best man speech.
I mean, yeah, I try to be
outwardly supportive of all relationships
due to my dad
sabotaging one of my first loves.
In year four, he sat me
and my classmate, Nadia Shookums, down
in the living room and said
he thought we could both do better.
Well, she listened to him.
Boy, that's a heaping spoonful
of truth soup right there.
Yeah. I know.
Look, Higgins,
I just think it's bad business
to get all up
in anyone else's business, you know?
Okay, I understand.
So even though this is an unsanctioned
meeting because Beard wasn't here,
let's just go ahead
and Diamond Dogs dismount.
Stupid barking means it's over, right?
Yes, sir. Welcome back.
-Ay, ay, ay. That was a doozy.
-What's wrong?
Jane's roommate flipped out on her.
-Kicked her out of the house.
-Oh, no.
So now she's moving in with me.
That's good.
That's great news. Congratulations.
Thanks, guys.
All right. Chin up, lads.
Come on, Colin. You dolt.
Colin, you're leaning too far back.
Head down, fucking whip it.
I am a strong and capable man.
Thanks, Roy.
Bumbercatch, great pass,
but it don't mean shit
if they see it coming.
The rest of you in the box,
when the shot goes,
you fucking follow it in.
Yeah, you smell that, lads?
That's the Roy Kent effect.
-Roy Kent! Roy Kent!
-Roy Kent!
Anything for me, coach?
All right, let's go again.
Hey, Roy. You know you're paid
to coach the whole team, right?
No, no, that's fine.
Just take 4% off my paycheck.
Ted!
-Ted!
-You hear that?
Hey!
Do you have lunch plans?
As a matter of fact, I do, yeah.
Coach Beard and I here
are doing Secret Sandwich Switcheroo
every other Friday.
-What we do is I make a sandwich--
-I don't care, Ted.
You're coming to lunch
with me and my mother.
Okay. Sounds great.
Spoiler alert. I made you a BLT.
-Samesies.
-What?
Crown & Anchor at 2:00.
Okay.
I look forward to lunching with you, Ted.
Hi, Rebecca's mom.
Hey, fellas. Say hi.
Hi, Rebecca's mum.
Hello, boys.
And the name's not Rebecca's mum,
it's Deborah.
I'm a work in progress,
a voracious book on tape listener
and a staunch believer
that if you get dealt lemons in life,
then you should make
lemon lavender mojitos.
Mum!
Nice to meet you, Deborah.
Boy, I love meeting people's moms.
It's like reading an instruction manual
as to why they're nuts.
Let's go!
How's Mrs. Beard doing, by the way?
-Full-blown QAnon.
-Yep.
-Hey, look alive, Coach.
-Thank you.
-No horseradish?
-I thought you were allergic?
To horses and radishes.
I'm sorry.
-Hi, guys.
-Hey.
Ted. Do you reckon you'd be up for
driving us back from lunch?
Sure, I'll give it a shot.
I've got some creative work
I wanna do this afternoon
and I kinda wanna be
a little buzzed for it.
-Seems like a great idea all around.
-Thank you.
One second here.
Hello?
This is him.
W-- Is he okay?
Okay. Okay. I'll--
Well, I mean, that's gonna be
a little tricky 'cause I'm at work.
No, I work in London.
Yeah, no, it's a heck of a commute.
Tell you what.
How about I call my wife-- his mom,
and then I'll see--
She's pulling up right now?
Okay, well, there you go. Crisis averted.
Okay. All right now. Have fun. Bye.
Everything okay?
Yeah, yeah.
No, Henry forgot his lunch today
for his field trip.
But, no, Michelle's there.
So, yeah, we're all good.
Hi, Keeley.
You got to tell Roy
he needs to start coaching me.
Wait. You want me to tell Roy Kent
what to do?
-That's a great idea.
-Yeah, he's gonna love that.
Yeah, I'll totally drop it
into one of our many conversations
where Roy talks to me about his life
and asks for my advice.
Philistines!
-Philistines.
-I'm asking for help here.
Jamie, you and Roy got your own history.
Y'all got to get together and woman up.
I think you mean man up, mate.
No, y'all have been manning up
for a while. Look where that's got you.
Keeley, you got any advice
for this young, half-dressed fella
on how to get through to Roy?
I agree.
That's a confusing way to answer
that question. Am I wrong?
No, I mean, I agree with Roy.
Just agree
with everything that he throws at you.
Really takes the anger wind
out of his brat sails.
-Shall we?
-Yes, ma'am.
-All right. Bon voyage.
-Bye, Jamie!
I don't really know how to talk to you.
Then it's working.
You're gonna wanna look up "Philistines."
You see, there comes a point
when you realize life is long,
and it's also very short.
And sometimes it's neither.
But it is always what it is, you know?
So, I looked him in the eye
and I said, "Paul, I'm leaving you.
I'm gonna live my best life now,
for as long as I can, until I die.
Or until I'm murdered."
And then I stood up, I flushed the toilet,
I pulled up my trousers,
and I walked straight out of there.
-That's incredible. Inspiring.
-Yeah.
You should do a TED Talk.
No, I agree.
Yeah, 'cause right now you're getting
a whole heap of "Ted listen."
-Yes!
-Nah! Rubbish!
Come on! Come on!
And can I just say, as someone
that's recently been divorced,
the best piece of advice that I received
was to leave people well.
-Oh, yeah. I completely agree. Yeah.
-Yeah.
It's slightly different in this case
because I'm the one doing the leaving.
And as I understand it,
your wife left you?
No, that is correct.
Big difference there, yeah.
-That's terrible!
-What is that?
Could you tell them to stop shouting
at the football?
What football?
They're watching last night's Bake Off.
-Look at that sponge!
-That's rubbish!
Temper your chocolate, you twat!
I'm sorry, would you excuse me?
This is my psychic.
She said she'd call me
exactly when I needed her.
That's incredible, isn't it?
-Yeah.
-Wow.
Hello, Tish. This is extraordinary.
Tish.
What a brave thing
for a woman of her age to do.
Is she gonna move in with you?
You should buy that Pilates machine,
and then I can teach her
when I come over and use it.
Please. Forget every word she just said.
They do this every couple of years.
My dad acts up, then she leaves him.
Then they "move on."
Then he buys her some expensive,
environmentally conscious gift
and they'll be back together in a week.
But, hey-ho, she'll be paying the bill,
so do enjoy your free lunch.
Well, I mean,
maybe it's different this time, you know?
People can change.
Some can. She can't.
Poor little cake
Soggy bottom
Poor little cake
Soggy bottom
Poor little cake
Soggy bottom
Poor little cake
Soggy bottomâ¦
Hey. I was just thinking about you.
What were you thinking?
That if you ever left me again
I would throw myself off a cliff.
And I'd lay down at the bottom
so you could land on me.
Jane Pain.
So, I'm going to Cafe Solo
to meet Finn for a coffee.
That's cool.
Who's Finn?
My old uni friend. The underwear model.
He wants to go through some shoot he did.
I'll see you later. Bye!
-Big man, Roy Kent.
-No.
Come on, man. Why won't you coach me?
Because you don't deserve it.
You're right. I don't deserve it.
And the way you play is dull
and conformist.
It's true. I do play
in quite a dull and conformisty way.
And you're ugly.
You're an ugly, ugly boy.
With bad hair.
Say it.
-I amâ¦
-Yeah?
I am an ugly, ugly boyâ¦
with hair that maybe could be slightly--
With bad hair, fine!
Cheers. I enjoyed that.
-You fucking arsehole!
-Yeah. I know you are, but so are you.
I'm trying to build bridges here.
You couldn't fucking build Jeff Bridges.
Hey, hey, hey!
What's going on? What's wrong?
This man refuses to coach me.
He refuses to stop being an arsehole.
Roy, you're not gonna like this.
But right now,
Jamie here is being the mature one.
It's true. I'm being super mature,
you big, dumb, hairy, baby twat.
He just wants to learn from you.
If you know how to make me better,
I want to hear it.
See?
Fine. I'll tell you what's wrong with you.
All right, now. Here we go!
You fucked him up.
Okay. Expound.
You've made him a team player.
You've got him to pass and shit,
and in doing so, you've made him average.
'Cause, Jamie, deep down, at your core,
you are a prick.
So just be a prick.
We need you to score more goals,
and we need you
to get in the other teams' fucking heads
and drive them up the fucking wall
like only you can fucking do.
So I can go back to being a prick?
No. I'm saying sometimes.
When it is appropriateâ¦
yes, be a prick.
Okay.
How will I know when?
I'm actually curious
about that myself too.
We'll give you a signal.
-What signal?
-Any specifics we need to look out for?
You'll know it when you see it.
Okay.
Okay, that's good. All right.
-You get that?
-He said you'll know it when you see it.
Soâ¦
you know, just keep your eyes peeled andâ¦
Stupid fuckin' shit.
Hello, sausage.
What time are you leaving
for the match today?
-Three o'clock. Aren't you coming with me?
-No. No, no, don't worry.
I'm meeting up
with Lavinia and Mary-Alice.
We're going to hear Brené Brown
reading from her new book,
Enter the Arena, But Bring a Knife.
Okay.
But I was thinking.
When you come home,
I'd love to make you your favorite:
shepherd's pie with cheesy top.
And then you and I can have a proper chat.
How's that sound?
Perfect.
Perfect.
AFC Richmond, a club who have never won
a major trophy in their history,
suddenly find themselves one win away
from an unlikely FA Cup semifinal
at Wembley Stadium.
There's nothing like the FA Cup, Arlo.
These are the games
you tell your grandchildren about.
Where'd you get that?
Some dodgy geezer outside the stadium.
It's not bad, eh?
Their opponents, Tottenham Hotspur,
come to Nelson Road in dazzling form.
I swear, if we actually win this match,
I will burn this pub to the ground.
I will⦠knock over a chair.
I will channel my raging enthusiasm
into ways to help my community.
That's so good.
-All right, here we go.
-Let's go!
We've reached the 30-minute mark,
and it's still nil-nil,
but it's been a corker of a game so far.
Both sides are in all-out attack mode,
Arlo. It's a proper cup tie.
Yes, yes, yes. Come on. Yes, yes, yes.
Another wayward pass.
And the baffling lack of aggression
from Tartt continues.
I reckon it's time for the signal?
-Yep.
-Yeah, okay.
You didn't by any chance
come up with a better one, did you?
No.
All right. Hey, Jamie!
Jamie!
Come on!
Yeah.
Well, you don't see that
very often, Chris,
especially in perfect unison.
We apologize for the fruity sign language.
It seems like Lasso has really
settled into our culture.
He certainly has.
Barnett, here's what's gonna happen, yeah.
You're gonna foul me, and I'm gonna score
all the way from back here.
Piss off, Tartt.
Hey, referee!
Okay. All right, here we go.
Back it up, boys! Come on.
-What'd I tell you, mate?
-You fucking--
Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey!
-Thank you!
-Send him off!
Glad he's on our team, you know.
Hey, what do you think? Trick play?
You know, maybe a Loki's Toboggan
or Upside-Down Taxi?
You don't need it.
The little prick's gonna fucking score
from there.
No way.
It's too far.
Yeah!
Are you kidding me?
Yes!
Hey!
Are you kidding me? Nice call!
Yeah! How about that?
Roy Kent effect right there.
That's what that is.
Jamie Tartt, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
Jamie Tartt, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
Jamie Tartt!
The first half ends with a shocking score
that will reverberate
throughout English football.
It's Richmond one, Tottenham nil.
Chris, can Richmond hold on?
If I were them,
I'd just leave the stadium,
go off the grid, and just pretend that
we won the game until my dying breath.
Your noise is back.
What's up?
I feel compelled to tell a friend
something he won't want to hear.
Is this about Beard and Jane?
I see her sometimes,
lurking around the car park.
I mean, she's a bit intense,
but she's adorable.
Like a tipsy Reese Witherspoon
playing Running Charades.
-What's Running Charades?
-What's Running Charades?
I have to say something.
Absolutely not.
Higgins, never interfere.
It doesn't help,
and you'll only be punished for it.
My parents should've split up years ago.
When she first left him when I was at uni,
I congratulated her.
Told her she deserved a better life.
Two weeks later, they were back together,
and she didn't speak to me
for nine months.
It does no good.
Well, I think if you care about someone,
you have to keep trying.
Maybe one day you'll get through.
You guys talking about Beard and Jane?
She's quite the jealous type, right?
She once followed me all the way home
just to ask if Beard was shagging Ted.
Ten minutes to go,
and since the amazing goal from Tartt,
Spurs have completely
marked him out of the game.
Richmond could pull off
an incredible upset,
but they need to hold their nerve.
You're better than that, Jamie!
Jamie Tartt?
Coach? You okay?
Yeah, no, I'm--
I gotta go. My stomach.
What's happening?
He said his stomach.
He can't abandon the game.
Well, we've seen this before.
Lasso appears to be leaving?
I know that run. That's the run
of a man who just ate a bad fish pie.
Chris, is there a good fish pie?
Wanker! Wanker!
Wait, where the fuck's that twat going?
Be kind. He looks poorly.
And Spurs net the equalizerâ¦
Fuck!
â¦with a towering header from Barnett.
-Shit!
-I'll be right back.
Okay.
The Greyhounds were in disarray,
and Spurs took full advantage.
For fuck's sake, Lasso!
Every time I start to trust ya!
-Roy, what do you think we should do?
-We need a fucking goal.
What do we do? Put on a striker?
Bring on Cockburn, take off Dixon.
Park the bus.
Or put Sam and go three up front?
I don't--
We gotta be aggressive here, right?
I think we need--
Reynolds, Winchester, Babatunde,
you're going in.
Hey! Colin, Dani, Richard,
you're coming off.
-Me?
-Yes, you, Colin.
What's going on?
-Park the bus!
-What?
Park the bus!
No one up front. Do it.
-But we need a goal!
-Park the goddamn bus! Go!
Park the bus! Park the bus!
And it's a rare triple substitution
for Richmond.
-Park the bus!
-Park the bus!
-What's going on?
-I got this.
Looks like
the coaching staff are panicking, Arlo.
This is what a fish pie can do to a team.
Ted?
Stoppage time now,
and Richmond are completely dropping back.
-They're playing very defensively.
-Ted?
Richmond going for a draw
is a big mistake, Arlo.
You're the underdog.
You're at home. You go for the win.
-Wait, disaster for Spurs!
-Ted?
A slip by Barnett and Richmond
are on the counterattack!
Obisanya loops
a perfect diagonal ball to Tartt.
He shoots!
Tartt buries it in the back of the net!
Richmond, impossibly, are on top!
Oh, Ted.
Yes!
-Hey, boss. Congrats.
-Yeah.
-Where's Ted?
-I don't know.
A stomach thing.
I'll check in on my way home.
Great. Thank you.
-Congratulations.
-Congratulations.
It's good to see
the Roy Kent effect is alive and well.
Nothing to do with me. That is all Nate.
We're Richmond till we die!
We know we are! We're sure we are!
We're Richmond till we die!
Congratulations on a thrilling win.
Yeah, thank you. Thank you very much.
-What happened to Ted?
-I don't know.
Food poisoning or something?
It seemed like a negative strategy
to pull everyone into defense
when you needed a goal.
Yes, but I knew they needed a goal too.
As long as I made sure
they couldn't get through,
at some point, human nature,
someone would screw up
and we could exploit that.
Brilliant!
You said he was a lemon.
-Impressive by an assistant coach.
-Just did what had to be done.
It's not like
I'm some kind of "wonder kid."
-Some kind of what?
-"Wonder kid."
I think you mean wunderkind. Yeah?
Yeah.
Can we fix that with editing, or--
No, we're live.
Well, great job by Nathan Shelley,
the wonder kid.
-And we wish Ted a speedy recovery.
-Yeah.
-Thank you. Yeah.
-No, thank you. Thank you. Just go.
As someone who cares about you,
I'm concerned that you and Jane areâ¦
Look, let me ask you one question.
You're a great man.
Does Jane make you greater?
Okay, look, I apologize.
Okay, okay. That--
I hear you. I get it.
-We will never speak of this again.
-No, no.
-See you Monday.
-See you Monday. Yep.
I missed that scared face.
I missed you too.
How was Finn?
He's like a Rembrandt.
Beautiful to look at but so dim.
Try this.
-Yeah, much better. Yeah.
-Yeah?
It's not too Oliver Twist?
Well, it is,
but that's kind of my kink, so--
"May I have some more?"
Nate, great fucking work today.
Thanks, Roy.
Dr. Sharon!
We're going for a drink. Will you join us?
Wait, are we even allowed to talk to you
at night? If not, I'm so sorry.
For a quarterfinal win,
you get me for one drink.
I'll see you after.
Wait for the beep.
You gotta leave your name,
you gotta leave your number.
Hey, Ted, it's me.
I was a bit worried about you today.
Hope you're okay.
If you need me,
just please do give me a call.
It's just, I'm on my way home
for a very difficult conversation
with my mother,
and I could really do with
one of your pep talks.
Anywayâ¦
take care.
Mum!
Mum!
Mum?
"Darling, sorry to miss you. Your father
apologized and bought me a new Tesla.
I'll take you for a spin in it
next time I visit.
PS, shepherd's pie is in the fridge.
Needs two minutes in the microwave."
Hey, Luca.
Yes, it's an actual phone call.
No, I haven't been arrested.
I just thought you'd like to know
that my parents are away.
So we could--
Exactly.
See you soon.
Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman
Them boys up to something
They just spent like two or three weeks
Out the country
-You know all the lyrics.
-Them boys up to something
They just not just bluffin'
You don't have to call
I hit my dance like Usher
-Oy, put your phone away, mate.
-Yes, yes, yes. Okay, okay. Sorry.
Carry on going. You're great.
I just found my tempo
Like I'm DJ Mustard
I hit that Ginóbili
With my left hand up like
Ted, you scared me.
Are you okay?
I wanna make an appointment.
He has options. Chooses Rojas.
What a goal! Great finish.
You have to say, Chris,
from where they started the season,
this Richmond team is unrecognizable!
What a turnaround for AFC Richmond!
And with that Dani Rojas goal, Richmond
are now on a four-game winning streak.
They've certainly turned things around
since adding their former captain
to the coaching staff, Wrighty?
Absolutely, Seems.
And watching Richmond play, you could
definitely see the Roy Kent effect.
And that leads them nicely
into Saturday's FA Cup quarterfinal clash
against Premiership side
Tottenham Hotspur.
Yeah, good luck with that.
It kills me to say it,
but Tottenham are a top top side.
Unbelievable team.
Coming up next,
we'll preview the quarterfinal
between Bournemouth and Southampton.
-Do you want a cup of tea?
-Yes, please.
-Sugar?
-No, thank you.
Luca, do you believe in guardian angels?
Are they like Guardians of the Galaxy?
Wait, are you naked in my kitchen?
Wearing a smile.
Put some clothes on!
Mina the cleaner will be here any second.
Mina. Do you want some tea?
Will there be biscuits with that?
Mother.
Hello, darling.
I've left your father.
Wait, your mum's your cleaner?
No.
He doesn't listen to me.
He doesn't respect me.
And Esther Perel says
it takes two people to create a pattern
but only one to change it.
I am that change.
Good for you.
Luca, will you please put some clothes on?
I'll start in the study.
Yes, thank you.
Hey, Liza.
Saw your Instagram post on Sunday.
Way to keep
that ice bucket challenge alive.
-Morning.
-Hey, Derek.
Great morning, Isabelle.
-Yes.
-Hey, Ted.
Hey, Liam.
Hey, tell your mom happy birthday for me.
And whatever gift you end up getting her,
let her know it's from both of us, huh?
-Morning. How y'all doing?
-Morning.
You're doing great work, Colin.
And I love your new mantra.
I'm a strong and capable man.
I am not a piece of shit.
-You don't need the second part.
-Right.
-Morning, Colin.
-Hey.
Hey, Doc.
You get in any trouble last night?
Nothing I care to speak about at work.
Doc, you are more mysterious
than David Blaine
reading a Sue Grafton novel at Area 51.
Well, Ted, make an appointment
when you need to talk.
Hey, I talk all the time, Doc.
Just let me follow you around
for ten minutes.
After five,
you'll want me to hush my butt.
-Lookee here.
-Morning, Ted.
Hey. I tell you what,
I'm shipping the heck out of you two.
I'm calling HR.
Yeah, well,
tell Mr. Pufnstuf I said hello.
That is a joke
for people born in the early to mid '70s.
And then they just
changed the shape of the tortelliniâ¦
Well, I don't know about you fellas,
but I am fired up for this FA Cup thing.
I mean, come on.
A March Madness tournament
in the middle of our season
featuring every dang team in the country?
Yes, please.
I mean, what we got?
Davids versus Goliaths, right?
You know? Rockys versus Apollos.
Steve Wiebes against Billy Mitchells.
-What's another one, Coach?
-Pearl Jam versus Ticketmaster.
Classic battle of art
versus commerce right there. Yeah.
I got a question for you though.
Has a team not in the Premier League,
à la us, ever won the whole chimichanga?
-Eight times.
-Eight times. Really?
But not for 40 years.
What have we got here?
Uh-oh.
You back into floating office mode, huh?
Yeah. But it's no bother.
I'm a flaneur by nature.
I get that, yeah.
Hey, Coach, what's a flaneur?
A wanderer.
-What the fuck's wrong with you?
-Nothing.
Jane and I got back together.
-Great news.
-Well, that's nice.
-Fantastic.
-How about that. Look at you guys.
Do you really think that's a good idea?
Shit. Two missed calls from her.
Be right back!
I'd like to request an emergency meeting
of the Diamond Dogs.
Diamond Dogs, mount up.
-Hey, Roy, you wanna sit in with us?
-No.
Okay. Yeah, shut that.
He looks a little bit--
Yeah, you're gonna come in through here.
That's fine. I got you.
Just-- Do you wanna--
Dukes of Hazzard style,
or as you guys probably call it,
"the Earls of Risk."
-Just go round.
-Yeah. Why don't you come legs first?
You wanna-- You wanna jump in?
You'd be in here if you just went round.
-Ready? Here he comes. Right--
-I'm just gonna stay here.
That's fine. Good idea. Probably best.
All right. Okay, Higgiebottoms,
you called this puppy, so start barking.
Well, I'm just not sure that
Jane and Beard are very healthy together.
And I'm a little bit disappointed
that neither of you backed me up
when I just said so.
Okay. Calling us out.
I appreciate that and I hear you, but--
I mean, in my defense,
I know why I didn't say anything.
-And why's that?
-'Cause you should never say anything.
And look, man,
I learned that the hard way.
One of my best friends growing up
was this fella, Marcus Girard.
He dated the same girl from grade school
to high school to college, whole time.
And she could be a little bit of a pill,
if I'm being honest, you know?
No reason to start lying now.
And, well, I let him know that.
I told him so.
And he was not too pleased, all right?
And that is the last time
I ever gave a best man speech.
I mean, yeah, I try to be
outwardly supportive of all relationships
due to my dad
sabotaging one of my first loves.
In year four, he sat me
and my classmate, Nadia Shookums, down
in the living room and said
he thought we could both do better.
Well, she listened to him.
Boy, that's a heaping spoonful
of truth soup right there.
Yeah. I know.
Look, Higgins,
I just think it's bad business
to get all up
in anyone else's business, you know?
Okay, I understand.
So even though this is an unsanctioned
meeting because Beard wasn't here,
let's just go ahead
and Diamond Dogs dismount.
Stupid barking means it's over, right?
Yes, sir. Welcome back.
-Ay, ay, ay. That was a doozy.
-What's wrong?
Jane's roommate flipped out on her.
-Kicked her out of the house.
-Oh, no.
So now she's moving in with me.
That's good.
That's great news. Congratulations.
Thanks, guys.
All right. Chin up, lads.
Come on, Colin. You dolt.
Colin, you're leaning too far back.
Head down, fucking whip it.
I am a strong and capable man.
Thanks, Roy.
Bumbercatch, great pass,
but it don't mean shit
if they see it coming.
The rest of you in the box,
when the shot goes,
you fucking follow it in.
Yeah, you smell that, lads?
That's the Roy Kent effect.
-Roy Kent! Roy Kent!
-Roy Kent!
Anything for me, coach?
All right, let's go again.
Hey, Roy. You know you're paid
to coach the whole team, right?
No, no, that's fine.
Just take 4% off my paycheck.
Ted!
-Ted!
-You hear that?
Hey!
Do you have lunch plans?
As a matter of fact, I do, yeah.
Coach Beard and I here
are doing Secret Sandwich Switcheroo
every other Friday.
-What we do is I make a sandwich--
-I don't care, Ted.
You're coming to lunch
with me and my mother.
Okay. Sounds great.
Spoiler alert. I made you a BLT.
-Samesies.
-What?
Crown & Anchor at 2:00.
Okay.
I look forward to lunching with you, Ted.
Hi, Rebecca's mom.
Hey, fellas. Say hi.
Hi, Rebecca's mum.
Hello, boys.
And the name's not Rebecca's mum,
it's Deborah.
I'm a work in progress,
a voracious book on tape listener
and a staunch believer
that if you get dealt lemons in life,
then you should make
lemon lavender mojitos.
Mum!
Nice to meet you, Deborah.
Boy, I love meeting people's moms.
It's like reading an instruction manual
as to why they're nuts.
Let's go!
How's Mrs. Beard doing, by the way?
-Full-blown QAnon.
-Yep.
-Hey, look alive, Coach.
-Thank you.
-No horseradish?
-I thought you were allergic?
To horses and radishes.
I'm sorry.
-Hi, guys.
-Hey.
Ted. Do you reckon you'd be up for
driving us back from lunch?
Sure, I'll give it a shot.
I've got some creative work
I wanna do this afternoon
and I kinda wanna be
a little buzzed for it.
-Seems like a great idea all around.
-Thank you.
One second here.
Hello?
This is him.
W-- Is he okay?
Okay. Okay. I'll--
Well, I mean, that's gonna be
a little tricky 'cause I'm at work.
No, I work in London.
Yeah, no, it's a heck of a commute.
Tell you what.
How about I call my wife-- his mom,
and then I'll see--
She's pulling up right now?
Okay, well, there you go. Crisis averted.
Okay. All right now. Have fun. Bye.
Everything okay?
Yeah, yeah.
No, Henry forgot his lunch today
for his field trip.
But, no, Michelle's there.
So, yeah, we're all good.
Hi, Keeley.
You got to tell Roy
he needs to start coaching me.
Wait. You want me to tell Roy Kent
what to do?
-That's a great idea.
-Yeah, he's gonna love that.
Yeah, I'll totally drop it
into one of our many conversations
where Roy talks to me about his life
and asks for my advice.
Philistines!
-Philistines.
-I'm asking for help here.
Jamie, you and Roy got your own history.
Y'all got to get together and woman up.
I think you mean man up, mate.
No, y'all have been manning up
for a while. Look where that's got you.
Keeley, you got any advice
for this young, half-dressed fella
on how to get through to Roy?
I agree.
That's a confusing way to answer
that question. Am I wrong?
No, I mean, I agree with Roy.
Just agree
with everything that he throws at you.
Really takes the anger wind
out of his brat sails.
-Shall we?
-Yes, ma'am.
-All right. Bon voyage.
-Bye, Jamie!
I don't really know how to talk to you.
Then it's working.
You're gonna wanna look up "Philistines."
You see, there comes a point
when you realize life is long,
and it's also very short.
And sometimes it's neither.
But it is always what it is, you know?
So, I looked him in the eye
and I said, "Paul, I'm leaving you.
I'm gonna live my best life now,
for as long as I can, until I die.
Or until I'm murdered."
And then I stood up, I flushed the toilet,
I pulled up my trousers,
and I walked straight out of there.
-That's incredible. Inspiring.
-Yeah.
You should do a TED Talk.
No, I agree.
Yeah, 'cause right now you're getting
a whole heap of "Ted listen."
-Yes!
-Nah! Rubbish!
Come on! Come on!
And can I just say, as someone
that's recently been divorced,
the best piece of advice that I received
was to leave people well.
-Oh, yeah. I completely agree. Yeah.
-Yeah.
It's slightly different in this case
because I'm the one doing the leaving.
And as I understand it,
your wife left you?
No, that is correct.
Big difference there, yeah.
-That's terrible!
-What is that?
Could you tell them to stop shouting
at the football?
What football?
They're watching last night's Bake Off.
-Look at that sponge!
-That's rubbish!
Temper your chocolate, you twat!
I'm sorry, would you excuse me?
This is my psychic.
She said she'd call me
exactly when I needed her.
That's incredible, isn't it?
-Yeah.
-Wow.
Hello, Tish. This is extraordinary.
Tish.
What a brave thing
for a woman of her age to do.
Is she gonna move in with you?
You should buy that Pilates machine,
and then I can teach her
when I come over and use it.
Please. Forget every word she just said.
They do this every couple of years.
My dad acts up, then she leaves him.
Then they "move on."
Then he buys her some expensive,
environmentally conscious gift
and they'll be back together in a week.
But, hey-ho, she'll be paying the bill,
so do enjoy your free lunch.
Well, I mean,
maybe it's different this time, you know?
People can change.
Some can. She can't.
Poor little cake
Soggy bottom
Poor little cake
Soggy bottom
Poor little cake
Soggy bottom
Poor little cake
Soggy bottomâ¦
Hey. I was just thinking about you.
What were you thinking?
That if you ever left me again
I would throw myself off a cliff.
And I'd lay down at the bottom
so you could land on me.
Jane Pain.
So, I'm going to Cafe Solo
to meet Finn for a coffee.
That's cool.
Who's Finn?
My old uni friend. The underwear model.
He wants to go through some shoot he did.
I'll see you later. Bye!
-Big man, Roy Kent.
-No.
Come on, man. Why won't you coach me?
Because you don't deserve it.
You're right. I don't deserve it.
And the way you play is dull
and conformist.
It's true. I do play
in quite a dull and conformisty way.
And you're ugly.
You're an ugly, ugly boy.
With bad hair.
Say it.
-I amâ¦
-Yeah?
I am an ugly, ugly boyâ¦
with hair that maybe could be slightly--
With bad hair, fine!
Cheers. I enjoyed that.
-You fucking arsehole!
-Yeah. I know you are, but so are you.
I'm trying to build bridges here.
You couldn't fucking build Jeff Bridges.
Hey, hey, hey!
What's going on? What's wrong?
This man refuses to coach me.
He refuses to stop being an arsehole.
Roy, you're not gonna like this.
But right now,
Jamie here is being the mature one.
It's true. I'm being super mature,
you big, dumb, hairy, baby twat.
He just wants to learn from you.
If you know how to make me better,
I want to hear it.
See?
Fine. I'll tell you what's wrong with you.
All right, now. Here we go!
You fucked him up.
Okay. Expound.
You've made him a team player.
You've got him to pass and shit,
and in doing so, you've made him average.
'Cause, Jamie, deep down, at your core,
you are a prick.
So just be a prick.
We need you to score more goals,
and we need you
to get in the other teams' fucking heads
and drive them up the fucking wall
like only you can fucking do.
So I can go back to being a prick?
No. I'm saying sometimes.
When it is appropriateâ¦
yes, be a prick.
Okay.
How will I know when?
I'm actually curious
about that myself too.
We'll give you a signal.
-What signal?
-Any specifics we need to look out for?
You'll know it when you see it.
Okay.
Okay, that's good. All right.
-You get that?
-He said you'll know it when you see it.
Soâ¦
you know, just keep your eyes peeled andâ¦
Stupid fuckin' shit.
Hello, sausage.
What time are you leaving
for the match today?
-Three o'clock. Aren't you coming with me?
-No. No, no, don't worry.
I'm meeting up
with Lavinia and Mary-Alice.
We're going to hear Brené Brown
reading from her new book,
Enter the Arena, But Bring a Knife.
Okay.
But I was thinking.
When you come home,
I'd love to make you your favorite:
shepherd's pie with cheesy top.
And then you and I can have a proper chat.
How's that sound?
Perfect.
Perfect.
AFC Richmond, a club who have never won
a major trophy in their history,
suddenly find themselves one win away
from an unlikely FA Cup semifinal
at Wembley Stadium.
There's nothing like the FA Cup, Arlo.
These are the games
you tell your grandchildren about.
Where'd you get that?
Some dodgy geezer outside the stadium.
It's not bad, eh?
Their opponents, Tottenham Hotspur,
come to Nelson Road in dazzling form.
I swear, if we actually win this match,
I will burn this pub to the ground.
I will⦠knock over a chair.
I will channel my raging enthusiasm
into ways to help my community.
That's so good.
-All right, here we go.
-Let's go!
We've reached the 30-minute mark,
and it's still nil-nil,
but it's been a corker of a game so far.
Both sides are in all-out attack mode,
Arlo. It's a proper cup tie.
Yes, yes, yes. Come on. Yes, yes, yes.
Another wayward pass.
And the baffling lack of aggression
from Tartt continues.
I reckon it's time for the signal?
-Yep.
-Yeah, okay.
You didn't by any chance
come up with a better one, did you?
No.
All right. Hey, Jamie!
Jamie!
Come on!
Yeah.
Well, you don't see that
very often, Chris,
especially in perfect unison.
We apologize for the fruity sign language.
It seems like Lasso has really
settled into our culture.
He certainly has.
Barnett, here's what's gonna happen, yeah.
You're gonna foul me, and I'm gonna score
all the way from back here.
Piss off, Tartt.
Hey, referee!
Okay. All right, here we go.
Back it up, boys! Come on.
-What'd I tell you, mate?
-You fucking--
Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey!
-Thank you!
-Send him off!
Glad he's on our team, you know.
Hey, what do you think? Trick play?
You know, maybe a Loki's Toboggan
or Upside-Down Taxi?
You don't need it.
The little prick's gonna fucking score
from there.
No way.
It's too far.
Yeah!
Are you kidding me?
Yes!
Hey!
Are you kidding me? Nice call!
Yeah! How about that?
Roy Kent effect right there.
That's what that is.
Jamie Tartt, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
Jamie Tartt, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
Jamie Tartt!
The first half ends with a shocking score
that will reverberate
throughout English football.
It's Richmond one, Tottenham nil.
Chris, can Richmond hold on?
If I were them,
I'd just leave the stadium,
go off the grid, and just pretend that
we won the game until my dying breath.
Your noise is back.
What's up?
I feel compelled to tell a friend
something he won't want to hear.
Is this about Beard and Jane?
I see her sometimes,
lurking around the car park.
I mean, she's a bit intense,
but she's adorable.
Like a tipsy Reese Witherspoon
playing Running Charades.
-What's Running Charades?
-What's Running Charades?
I have to say something.
Absolutely not.
Higgins, never interfere.
It doesn't help,
and you'll only be punished for it.
My parents should've split up years ago.
When she first left him when I was at uni,
I congratulated her.
Told her she deserved a better life.
Two weeks later, they were back together,
and she didn't speak to me
for nine months.
It does no good.
Well, I think if you care about someone,
you have to keep trying.
Maybe one day you'll get through.
You guys talking about Beard and Jane?
She's quite the jealous type, right?
She once followed me all the way home
just to ask if Beard was shagging Ted.
Ten minutes to go,
and since the amazing goal from Tartt,
Spurs have completely
marked him out of the game.
Richmond could pull off
an incredible upset,
but they need to hold their nerve.
You're better than that, Jamie!
Jamie Tartt?
Coach? You okay?
Yeah, no, I'm--
I gotta go. My stomach.
What's happening?
He said his stomach.
He can't abandon the game.
Well, we've seen this before.
Lasso appears to be leaving?
I know that run. That's the run
of a man who just ate a bad fish pie.
Chris, is there a good fish pie?
Wanker! Wanker!
Wait, where the fuck's that twat going?
Be kind. He looks poorly.
And Spurs net the equalizerâ¦
Fuck!
â¦with a towering header from Barnett.
-Shit!
-I'll be right back.
Okay.
The Greyhounds were in disarray,
and Spurs took full advantage.
For fuck's sake, Lasso!
Every time I start to trust ya!
-Roy, what do you think we should do?
-We need a fucking goal.
What do we do? Put on a striker?
Bring on Cockburn, take off Dixon.
Park the bus.
Or put Sam and go three up front?
I don't--
We gotta be aggressive here, right?
I think we need--
Reynolds, Winchester, Babatunde,
you're going in.
Hey! Colin, Dani, Richard,
you're coming off.
-Me?
-Yes, you, Colin.
What's going on?
-Park the bus!
-What?
Park the bus!
No one up front. Do it.
-But we need a goal!
-Park the goddamn bus! Go!
Park the bus! Park the bus!
And it's a rare triple substitution
for Richmond.
-Park the bus!
-Park the bus!
-What's going on?
-I got this.
Looks like
the coaching staff are panicking, Arlo.
This is what a fish pie can do to a team.
Ted?
Stoppage time now,
and Richmond are completely dropping back.
-They're playing very defensively.
-Ted?
Richmond going for a draw
is a big mistake, Arlo.
You're the underdog.
You're at home. You go for the win.
-Wait, disaster for Spurs!
-Ted?
A slip by Barnett and Richmond
are on the counterattack!
Obisanya loops
a perfect diagonal ball to Tartt.
He shoots!
Tartt buries it in the back of the net!
Richmond, impossibly, are on top!
Oh, Ted.
Yes!
-Hey, boss. Congrats.
-Yeah.
-Where's Ted?
-I don't know.
A stomach thing.
I'll check in on my way home.
Great. Thank you.
-Congratulations.
-Congratulations.
It's good to see
the Roy Kent effect is alive and well.
Nothing to do with me. That is all Nate.
We're Richmond till we die!
We know we are! We're sure we are!
We're Richmond till we die!
Congratulations on a thrilling win.
Yeah, thank you. Thank you very much.
-What happened to Ted?
-I don't know.
Food poisoning or something?
It seemed like a negative strategy
to pull everyone into defense
when you needed a goal.
Yes, but I knew they needed a goal too.
As long as I made sure
they couldn't get through,
at some point, human nature,
someone would screw up
and we could exploit that.
Brilliant!
You said he was a lemon.
-Impressive by an assistant coach.
-Just did what had to be done.
It's not like
I'm some kind of "wonder kid."
-Some kind of what?
-"Wonder kid."
I think you mean wunderkind. Yeah?
Yeah.
Can we fix that with editing, or--
No, we're live.
Well, great job by Nathan Shelley,
the wonder kid.
-And we wish Ted a speedy recovery.
-Yeah.
-Thank you. Yeah.
-No, thank you. Thank you. Just go.
As someone who cares about you,
I'm concerned that you and Jane areâ¦
Look, let me ask you one question.
You're a great man.
Does Jane make you greater?
Okay, look, I apologize.
Okay, okay. That--
I hear you. I get it.
-We will never speak of this again.
-No, no.
-See you Monday.
-See you Monday. Yep.
I missed that scared face.
I missed you too.
How was Finn?
He's like a Rembrandt.
Beautiful to look at but so dim.
Try this.
-Yeah, much better. Yeah.
-Yeah?
It's not too Oliver Twist?
Well, it is,
but that's kind of my kink, so--
"May I have some more?"
Nate, great fucking work today.
Thanks, Roy.
Dr. Sharon!
We're going for a drink. Will you join us?
Wait, are we even allowed to talk to you
at night? If not, I'm so sorry.
For a quarterfinal win,
you get me for one drink.
I'll see you after.
Wait for the beep.
You gotta leave your name,
you gotta leave your number.
Hey, Ted, it's me.
I was a bit worried about you today.
Hope you're okay.
If you need me,
just please do give me a call.
It's just, I'm on my way home
for a very difficult conversation
with my mother,
and I could really do with
one of your pep talks.
Anywayâ¦
take care.
Mum!
Mum!
Mum?
"Darling, sorry to miss you. Your father
apologized and bought me a new Tesla.
I'll take you for a spin in it
next time I visit.
PS, shepherd's pie is in the fridge.
Needs two minutes in the microwave."
Hey, Luca.
Yes, it's an actual phone call.
No, I haven't been arrested.
I just thought you'd like to know
that my parents are away.
So we could--
Exactly.
See you soon.
Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman
Them boys up to something
They just spent like two or three weeks
Out the country
-You know all the lyrics.
-Them boys up to something
They just not just bluffin'
You don't have to call
I hit my dance like Usher
-Oy, put your phone away, mate.
-Yes, yes, yes. Okay, okay. Sorry.
Carry on going. You're great.
I just found my tempo
Like I'm DJ Mustard
I hit that Ginóbili
With my left hand up like
Ted, you scared me.
Are you okay?
I wanna make an appointment.