Tires (2024) s02e06 Episode Script

1
[over PA] Welcome to
The Tri-State Mid-Market Tire Expo.
[rock music playing in background]
This is gonna be awesome.
Brock Majors rules.
Why does everybody like him so much?
I don't even know who he is.
You've never seen his videos?
He goes to events and tells salesmen
if they don't make enough money,
people are gonna fuck their wives.
-Sounds like an asshole.
-He's a total fucking asshole.
He makes dudes cry and shit.
This is gonna be hilarious.
[Will] Good morning!
Well, good morning. Welcome
to The Tri-State Mid-Market Tire Expo.
Are you ready to have the rubber
hit the road today?
Yes, we're very ready--
We're so ready for our rubber
to start getting into some roads.
[Will] I'm sorry. It was a long ride.
It was long. We had to stop
at Will's favorite rest stop to shit.
-You believe he has a favorite rest stop?
-[Will] He's joking.
I'm not. We got close to it,
and he was like, "Only ten more miles
to the James Gandolfini."
I said, "What's special about that?"
He's like, "It's the best to poop."
I said, "That's crazy."
I… I do not poop in public. I could never.
I have a whole wet wipes situa--
Can we just get our passes, please?
Certainly. Uh, certainly. Uh…
Valley Forge Auto.
-Let's see here. Will Jacobs?
-That's me.
And you must be Shane MacDaddy.
Fuck, I forgot I did that.
When's the Brock Majors event?
He goes on at 4:00 p.m.
Do you have tickets?
We… we needed tickets?
-Yes, you had to reserve tickets.
-What?
Yes, it's a ticketed event,
which means you need tickets.
And if you don't have tickets,
then you cannot attend.
-We know what tickets are.
-Do you have any other questions?
-Just where's the fucking bar, then?
-Shane!
I can't believe you blew it
on the fuckin' tickets.
I didn't know!
Why don't you ask your boyfriend
from True Thread?
He's not my boyfriend.
Plus, I'm trying to avoid him.
We don't have the loan yet,
so I want to talk to other suppliers,
see if I can get a discount.
You should try and mingle a little bit.
It seems like fun.
[Shane] This sucks, dude. This looks like
a shit and piss convention around here.
-It's not a shit and piss convention.
-You know it is.
My name tag says fuckin' Shane MacDaddy.
I thought this was gonna be funny.
Now I'm gonna fit right in
at the shit and piss convention.
You're in public.
[mellow acoustic music playing]
[Will] So, yeah, we're trying to secure
an all-weather tire at $105 apiece.
-Is that something you could do?
-[chuckless]
-No.
-Do you have any Brock Majors tickets?
Not any extra,
but I can show you our new line.
Or we could skip all that shit,
and what if we bought those tickets
from you? We'll pay.
No, thanks.
You guys have fun at the conference.
-You blew it again.
-Shane, stop!
I'm not making a deal
so you can get tickets to the show.
Hey, guys!
Wanna smell something awesome? Bah!
Hi, I'm Gabby
from Gabby's Secret Scents.
-Whoa, too slow.
-Fuck!
Sorry about that.
Do you guys happen to sell air fresheners?
If you do, then you should sell mine.
If you don't, then you're fucking lame
and your cars stink.
All right. I'm gonna fly solo for a while.
-Oh, okay. Have a good one, pal.
-[Shane] Yep.
Hey, did you wanna hear my song?
No.
[energetic music playing]
You guys got any extra tickets
to the show? No?
Big dog. Sup, man?
No? [chuckles]
Do you guys have any tickets extra? No?
I'm looking for some extra tickets
to Brock Majors. You have any?
-Sorry, man, no.
-Can I buy any from you?
-Don't have any, sorry.
-Okay.
The fuck's going on in here?
Guy looks like he's jacking off a kid.
Catholic Priest Simulator.
Tossing kids around.
No, it's a pit crew simulator.
That makes a lot more sense.
Hi, Ryan with True Thread.
Grab a free tote. Free tote.
Hey, stop on by True Thread.
Okay, have a good day.
Hey, Will!
Oh, hey. I was… just… I…
-I'll catch up with you in a second.
-Yeah, I'll be here.
[Will] Hi. Will you guys
talk to me about something?
Hey, can I get a beer?
Uh, sorry. Bar's closed.
Can you just grab me one of those beers?
Nah, dude. Bar's closed. Opens at 5:00.
What do you mean? There's an expo
full of people upstairs.
-I just talked to Steve.
-Who's Steve?
Steve Makowski, who owns the hotel.
You know Steve, obviously.
-[man] Yeah.
-You work here.
-I don't know the owner, I'm sorry.
-Okay, trust me.
-You don't wanna get on the wrong side.
-[Shane] Do not.
Steve said he wants the bar open early
and the booze to be flowing
because today
is obviously about making deals,
keeping the energy up here, right?
Making the guests happy.
Is this your first day?
All right, listen.
I'll tell you what we'll do.
Go ahead and grab a couple of beers
for my pal and me here,
then I'll tell Steve that his bartender,
uh… Sorry, no name tag.
-Uh, Mark.
-[man] Mark is doing a bang-up job.
-[Mark] Okay.
-Take a second, Mark.
Let me appreciate you.
Appreciate you.
Thanks so much, Mark.
So you, like, know the owner?
[man] No. No, I just googled him.
My name's Mike.
-I'm Shane.
-Nice to meet you, Shane.
Nice to meet you.
What's your interest in Japanese toys?
Like, a scale of two to four.
-Toys, like?
-Collectibles. Moneymakers.
Oh, okay. I guess zero.
-Two to four.
-Two.
Okay.
[bag scrunching]
Dave, are we good to go
with this work or not?
[sighs heavily]
Why am I even here, Cal?
-To tell me whether we're good to go--
-How the fuck did this happen?
I'm sitting here answering questions
about a fucking coolant flush,
and Will's at the fucking tire expo?
Just a yes or no, Dave.
Are we gonna do this work or not?
[Dave] This isn't your fault.
I've allowed my aura to be so depleted
that you think
you can talk to me that way?
-You don't have an aura.
-I have a very powerful aura.
-Well, I can't feel it.
-Give it even one second.
-Nothing.
-Fuck!
I can't let this happen.
What are we gonna do, Dave?
We're gonna wait.
[curious music playing]
We're gonna wait for Will
to make a mistake.
-You're supposed to be convincing--
-Get out.
[Cal] Okay.
[Mike] Basically, I run the sales team
for the Dallas Auto Parts.
I'm making a living,
but I come to this stuff to kind of
get away from the wife and kids.
-How about you? You got a wife and kids?
-No.
I got a girlfriend.
We just got a turtle together.
-Ah, that's an exciting starter kit.
-[Shane] Yeah.
I don't even know if I have a girlfriend.
She's not texting or calling back at all.
So, what? You came here
to pick up on all the hot tire expo ass?
No, dude. You see the women here?
They all have jacked forearms.
I saw five different ladies
with bowl cuts.
Yeah. Well, personally,
I'm a fan of bowl cuts, but…
-[chuckles]
-Why'd you come?
My cousin asked me, and honestly,
I want to see that Brock Majors guy,
but the tickets are all sold out.
Ugh.
-That guy sucks.
-That guy does suck. I love it.
-Yeah?
-He's a fucking asshole. It's hilarious.
If you want tickets to see him,
why don't you schmooze some of these guys
and get tickets?
I tried schmoozing. Nobody'll talk to me.
I'm just a fucking mechanic, you know?
-You like being a mechanic?
-[Shane] I did. But now, I don't know.
My cousin wants me to move up to manager,
but I don't know if I can do all that.
-It's, like, a lot.
-Yeah.
You know, when I started off,
I told everyone
I was the best auto parts salesman
in all of Texas.
The truth was, I hadn't sold anything.
But I started believing
that I could sell stuff,
and then other people
started believing it,
and the next thing you know, I sold shit.
And now it's led me
to sitting here with you
with a very expensive
pair of underwear on.
[Shane] It's the dream.
You think I should just go up there like…
like I'm a manager?
Do you want the tickets?
Hi, Will Jacobs, Valley Forge Automotive.
I'm the general manager over there.
I run about four stores
'cause I'm a general manager.
Hey, I'm Jim. Nice to meet you.
Who's your main tire supplier?
Well, Jim, we've been with True Thread
for as long as I can remember,
but I came here today
thinking about making a change.
Big change, you know?
Change all four shops.
It'd be a big deal for you.
I'm looking to find someone who'll scratch
my back if I scratch theirs, you know?
-I don't follow.
-You don't follow the scratching?
I'm trying to find a tire company
that's gonna treat me right,
the way I deserve to be treated, you know?
Let's say I make this deal today.
Think you'd throw on
some Brock Majors tickets on top?
[chuckles] We don't have
any tickets for that--
But we could definitely help you
get a better rate.
A better rate? That's crazy,
'cause we weren't talking about that.
I was talking about Brock Majors tickets.
I'm a general manager. Can you help me?
-Or are you guys gonna fuck this deal up?
-We don't have any extra tickets.
You guys don't have any tickets?
Jim, no ticket from you?
-No.
-[Shane] No?
You fucking blew it today.
Ponytail Jim, you were useless.
I'm telling Gary.
Hey, what are you two boy-touchers
doing back here?
[chuckles] No, I'm just fucking around.
I'm Will Jacobs, Jewish general manager
at Valley Forge Auto.
I've been going booth to booth here.
I need to find something special.
I need to find someone
with some Brock Majors tickets.
No? Maybe you guys are boy-touchers.
Maybe I wasn't joking.
I'm looking for two things.
Tires and tickets to Brock Majors.
Can you help me out?
Hi, I'm Jewish. Do you have extra tickets
to the Brock Majors show tonight?
Sir? Hi, I'm not Jewish.
Do you have any tickets
to the Brock Majors show?
You guys selling gloves? Sick.
You got any fuckin' tickets?
-What are these, tires?
-Yeah.
-Yep.
-Tires.
-Do you love it?
-[woman 1] Yeah.
-Love it. It's great.
-I like all tires.
I like all hair colors, too, so…
-That's good.
-I'm Shane.
-[woman 2] Hi.
-I'm a manager.
[woman 1] Really cool of you.
-I have a girlfriend, so…
-Love that.
[puffs air]
-I have a girlfriend.
-[woman 2] Cool.
[rock music playing faintly over speakers]
Line's always long.
Yeah.
Will.
Yeah?
I'm Will from Mavis.
Oh, I'm Will from Valley Forge.
Oh wow. You guys should get
an apartment together.
Excuse you?
I run the East Coast stores.
My dad's company.
Oh, mine too.
How many stores do you guys have?
2,300.
Jesus!
You guys?
Six.
Hey, six is good. [chuckles]
My dad had 12 when I took over.
Hey, how do you go
from 12 to 2,300 stores?
How does that even happen?
Honestly?
-Risk.
-[dramatic drumbeats playing]
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
It sounds cliché,
but you gotta put everything on the line.
Get a scalable business model
and take risks.
It's scary, but only if you're scared.
One, please.
It's all explained here.
Let me get one here for you.
-[man] Okay, Ryan?
-Yeah?
-Go check the bike tires out in the back--
-No, I got this.
It's okay. Do me a favor. Kid needs help
with the bucket of steam there.
Grab it for him. Thanks.
Sorry about that, fellas.
My cousin's brother. I'm Pete.
[exhales]
[Will] Hey, man.
Oh, hey, buddy. Good to see you again.
I love the haircut.
-Oh, yeah.
-[Ryan] Yeah.
That haircut sucks.
Excuse me.
Dickheads.
Who's that?
[Ryan] That's Pete Seidel.
He's one of the other reps at True Thread.
He's always ragging on me
for not making sales.
When he found out my wife does CrossFit,
he started saying girls that do CrossFit
look like Ninja Turtles.
It's actually kind of funny,
but it's like, hey, man, that's my wife.
That seems mean.
Yeah, exactly. But, you know, whatever.
I'm sure I'll get a win soon.
Hey, remember that deal we talked about?
-I think we're gonna do it.
-Yeah?
Yeah.
-Okay, uh, step into my office.
-[Will] You got an office?
-[Ryan] Yeah.
-[Shane] I wasn't gonna come over.
I ran into the guys at Eastwood,
and they were talking shit about you guys.
-[man] What'd they say?
-I don't wanna tell you.
-Please tell me.
-[Shane] All right.
They said Commander makes toilet tires,
and that you mostly sell shit and piss,
and that you were the big shit man.
-[man] Me?
-[Shane] Yeah. Sean? Yeah.
-They said Sean was the big shit guy.
-[Sean] You know they're lying.
We can offer you a deal too.
-Discount. Better than them.
-Yeah?
-[Sean] Yeah.
-This is what I've been looking for.
-Here I am.
-[Shane] You got it. You're a dog.
All the other salesmen are cats.
We got cats everywhere.
-I run into you, a real dog.
-[Sean] I am a dog.
-[Shane] Hell yeah.
-What's your name?
My name's Will Jacobs,
general manager at Valley Forge.
Also, I'm in a rush,
so let's hurry this up.
-I'm gonna talk to my boss about a deal.
-Yeah.
Let's talk to your boss about getting
two tickets to Brock Majors tonight for me
to kinda sweeten the deal.
I'll look into it.
Brock Majors is the man.
-He's awesome.
-I love him. My whole life.
I think he fuckin' sucks,
but that's why I wanna go.
What? Well, it motivates.
-He's a strong male presence in my life.
-[Shane] Yeah.
-No, he rules.
-[Sean] He does. Yeah.
-Yes.
-[Sean] Yeah.
[Will] Ryan, this car is awesome!
-I know. It's wild, right?
-Don't touch the steering wheel, please.
Don't touch anything.
I'm not.
[whispers] Tyler. He's such an asshole.
-I know.
-"Don't touch it."
"Don't touch anything."
[laughing]
-"Shut up!"
-"Shut up, dude."
Anyway. Okay,
so, uh, let's talk about your order.
-What are you looking to buy here?
-Well, we're gonna go big.
I think we're gonna do all 3,000 units.
[exhales] Oh!
Holy shit, dude! [chuckles]
I shouldn't be telling you this, but this
is gonna be a huge commission for me.
No, no. I want you to get it.
I get a commission
on the increase in the tire--
Freeze, fuckers!
What are you two fuckin' weirdos doing?
-Are you sucking my little girl?
-Shane!
You guys shouldn't be doing that,
sneaking off to suck each other's nipples.
-He sucks nipples.
-[Will] I don't!
We're trying to conduct business here.
Oh, you're doing business?
I've been doing a little myself.
Commander Tires just offered me
3.25 off every tire
if we order more than 1,000.
How'd you get that?
Walking around telling everybody I was you
and that I was violently addicted
to child porn.
Do you think you could beat that?
Also, I'm not addicted to child porn.
Uh…
Yeah, d… definitely.
Let me, uh… Let me talk to my boss.
Yeah? Also, Brock Majors tickets.
Commander Tires said they'd throw that in
if we signed today.
Um…
-I'll see what I can do.
-[Shane] Did you guys for real kiss?
-[Will] Shane!
-What? No!
-Did you guys go, "Let's make a deal"?
-No!
We're sitting in a car
having a… having a chat.
-[Will] Yeah, sitting in a Lambo.
-Yeah.
-[scoffs] That's what they call it?
-Shane!
Fucking has muscles. Who gives a fuck?
You fucking…
[tense, rhythmic music playing]
-What are they talking about?
-[Will] I don't know. That's his boss.
He's very high up at True Thread.
[Shane] Know what he's saying?
[as Ryan] "You should see how good
I'm tricking this fuckin' idiot."
"He's falling for everything.
He's gonna end up sucking my dick."
[as boss] "Well, I'll be damned!
We gonna get our dicks sucked."
[as Ryan] "Exactly, boss. He's gonna suck
both of our dicks. I prom--"
Oh shit, here he comes. Be quiet.
-Don't say anything about him.
-Shane!
Okay, good news.
We can match the offer,
but he said you gotta sign right now.
Can we have a second?
Yeah, I'm sure that's fine,
but you've kinda gotta sign right away.
-Should you call your dad?
-[Will] I don't know.
I think we should take a risk.
-What do you think?
-Dude.
Deal!
Yes! Okay, I got the order
right there on the iPad.
-Just sign right there.
-[Will sighs]
-Oh, the tickets. What about the tickets?
-I have one extra for Will.
Oh fuck!
All these other vendors got extra.
Ask around.
-I've asked everybody.
-I'm sure somebody's got one.
[man sighing]
[computer chimes]
[tapping on keyboard]
What the fuck?
[sighs]
Un-fucking-believable.
Un-fucking-believable!
[phone ringing]
This is Jon.
[Dave] Jon, am I even the general manager
of Valley Forge Auto anymore?
We increase our inventory by 50%,
and I'm not even notified?
-What?
-Check your email.
[tense music playing]
[Jon] Oh, for Christ's sake.
Whoopsie-daisy, Willie-boy.
-Congrats, Mr. Jacobs.
-Thank you very much.
-[phone buzzing]
-Oops.
Look who made a sale.
Guess the drought's over.
For now. [laughs]
Boom!
Hey, nice ponytail.
What?
Excuse me.
My shit fucked up?
All right. All right.
-Hello, Dad.
-[Jon] Hey.
Got an email from True Thread
saying we ordered 3,000 tires?
Well, yes.
I said I was gonna
when we got the loan, and I figured
that was coming any day now.
The lady at the bank said
it was just dotting I's and crossing T's.
There is no loan.
What?
The bank said no?
The bank said yes.
I'm saying no.
I'm not accepting the loan, Will.
It's too big of a risk.
Absolutely not! Bad move!
It is not a bad move.
It's a terrible move!
What's wrong with you?
Will, I would like to retire.
Someday. It's kinda hard to do that
with a million-dollar loan
hanging over your head.
Listen to me, bud.
You gotta trust me on this.
I got a plan.
Okay?
I got a good plan.
-And you're gonna like it.
-Dad.
Will, cancel the order, right?
Just need to take things easier
for a while, okay?
When you get back, we'll talk.
All right, bud. Love you.
[woman] Bow, bow-bow-bow, bow-bow! ♪
[British accent] Oi, who's this, then?
I'm just kidding.
It's me, Gabby, with my Secret Scents.
I have the perfect one for you this time.
Get away from me, you psycho.
All right. Jeez. Sorry.
I just thought
maybe you'd wanna smell this.
What on earth?
Mm!
[chanting] Gabby's Secret Scents.
Gabby's Secret Scents.
I'll remember that.
I'm gonna leave a bad review.
You remember that, bud.
See you in your nightmares. Bitch.
[somber music playing]
[Ryan] There he is! [chuckles]
-All right.
-[Will] We're thrilled.
[Pete] I'm supposed to fuck my wife
'cause Captain Phoenix made a sale?
-Give me a fucking break.
-[cell phone ringing]
[Pete] Oh, this is my guy.
-Dave, you lying sack of shit. What's up?
-Petey, you fat prick son of a bitch.
[Pete] Heard the wife found out.
Yeah, you were right.
I should've deleted them off the iPad too.
Lawyer says I should be all right.
Most of my shit's in my mom's name anyway.
Um… Hey, listen.
You got a sales rep over there named Ryan?
Yeah. He's a real fucking asshole. Why?
Yeah, he is a fucking asshole.
But wait till you get a load of this.
[Pete] Uh-huh. Well, that is
very good to know, my friend.
Next time at the strip club,
brunch is on me.
Hey, you got money?
Get away from the goddamn rims.
Hey, Ryan. Congrats on the sale, buddy.
All right? Seriously.
Will, I love this. This is good.
[man over PA] Now, it makes no sense
that a customer would buy from someone
that they don't trust.
I don't mean trust
the way you trust your mommy
to pick you up from the airport.
Or the way you trust your "doctor."
The customer needs to trust
that you will hunt for them.
You will kill for them.
And you will provide for them.
They need to trust
that if fucking World War III breaks out,
you're gonna pick 'em up
in an apocalypse-ready jeep
with a fucking machine gun
welded to the roof!
Get hard!
-Say hard!
-[all] Hard!
-[Brock] Say hard!
-Hard!
-[Brock] Say hard!
-Hard!
[Brock] In order for them to trust you,
you need to trust yourself.
You need to be honest with yourself.
You need to take personal inventory
of your shit.
[whiny voice] Oh yeah?
Who said that?
Who the fuck said that?
Probably some loser!
Somebody who's afraid of success!
Some fat, drunk idiot!
Now…
[dramatic music playing]
…who's ready to be honest with himself?
I need a salesman
who's ready to take his game
to the next level. Who wants in?
You're too fat!
[audience murmuring]
[Brock] Too short.
You fucking kidding me?
[woman] Right here!
You. What's your name?
-Uh, Ryan.
-Get your ass up here, Ryan.
[whooping]
[Pete] Hey, Will?
Dave called me.
[Brock] Where are you from?
-Erie, Pennsylv--
-Nobody gives a shit. Take off your top.
[cheering and whooping]
Oh, I don't think we need to do all that.
-Do you wanna be a good salesman?
-Yes.
Did you come here
for the Brock Majors experience?
-[audience] Yeah.
-[man] Fuck yeah.
[audience murmuring]
Do you wanna feel the soft lips of success
sucking your dick every night?
Yeah, sure.
As long as, uh, success
is comfortable with it.
[audience groaning]
Then show me Ryan from Erie, PA,
at his most vulnerable.
Take off your fucking top.
-[man] Take it off!
-Okay.
[audience jeering]
[Ryan] There's a lot of buttons
on these things. Sorry.
-[Brock] And the fucking lanyard.
-[Ryan] Oh.
Now let me ask you.
Are you happy with your body?
Well, yeah, I guess so.
I put a lot of hard work into it, so--
What am I holding?
What am I holding?
-[Ryan] Fat!
-That's right. Your fat!
I'm holding your fat.
And you're proud of that?
Uh, well, no. I guess I could stand
to lose a few. I'm sorry.
Don't apologize to me!
You let yourself down, didn't you?
You're a fat little piggy
who couldn't keep his nose
out of the trough, could he?
Okay, there's no need for name-calling.
Ryan, how are you as a salesman?
He's still getting the hang of it.
-[snickering]
-[Ryan] Shut up.
Yeah, he could use some work.
Hey, Dave, just so you know,
I just sold 3,000 tires, okay?
Bullshit. To who?
-Will Jacobs at Valley Forge Auto.
-[Sean] Will Jacobs?
-Isn't that you?
-Yeah.
-[Brock] Will, get your ass up here.
-Yeah, Will. Jump up there.
[dynamic electronic music playing]
Will Jacobs from Valley Forge Auto.
Hello.
Will, did you buy 3,000 tires from Ryan?
Yes.
Take your top off.
Absolutely not.
He's scared.
-[all laughing]
-[Pete] Yeah, he is.
I'm not… I'm not scared.
[audience booing]
I'm not scared.
-This guy's an asshole.
-[Will] I'll pop my top off.
-Changed my life.
-[Will] There's no tailoring.
This guy fucking sucks.
[tense music playing]
[audience groaning and murmuring]
I don't even know
what the fuck I'm looking at.
[Will] It's just the male body.
I have narrow shoulders.
It creates an illusion.
Will, what do you think of Ryan
as a salesman?
Oh, he's got something to tell him.
-What's going on?
-[tense music playing]
Will, you're his customer.
I need you to be honest with him.
There's nothing to be honest about.
I like Ryan.
Go ahead, Will, tell him.
-Shut up!
-What do you have to tell him, Will?
Nothing.
[music building]
Well, something.
But it's private.
He's canceling the order.
[snickering]
Yeah… yeah, right, Pete.
You're… you're just jealous.
Oh, okay.
[somber music playing]
He's… he's right.
[audience murmuring]
What the hell, dude?
-[man 1] You suck.
-[man 2] Fuck, dude.
[man 1] Asshole.
Ryan, I'm sorry.
Cunt! Cunt! Cunt!
Hey! Hey, hey! Hey!
Dude, you fucked me.
I thought we were friends.
No, Ryan, we were fr-- We are friends.
We worked out together.
Let's just pop our tops back on
and talk about this like adults.
Don't forget this, Ryan.
Use this.
And remember,
there are no friends in this business,
only obstacles.
[alarm blaring]
Ah shit.
Goddamn it.
-[man 3] Will, you suck!
-[man 4] Yeah, Will!
[woman] Yeah, suck it, Will!
[alarm continues blaring]
I won't forget this.
Ryan, just hold on.
Let's just talk about it.
We can meet outside.
[alarm continues blaring]
Thank you for pulling the fire alarm.
No problem, dude.
Oh, and just so you know,
I had to buy about 500 air fresheners
from that fucking space cadet over there.
-Sorry about the loan.
-[Will] It's okay.
I just can't believe my dad said no.
I don't know. My dad said yes
to every business opportunity,
and look how that fuckin' turned out.
-[Mike] Hey, there's my guy! How are you?
-Hey, Mike.
[Mike] Great to see ya.
-[Shane] What's going on, man?
-How goes it?
Yeah, told you the girls
weren't so terrible here.
No, this isn't a lesbian.
This is my cousin, Will.
How are ya?
Did you guys go to the show? How was it?
Could've been worse.
It literally couldn't have been any worse.
Brock humiliated me with my nipples out.
That part sucked.
That was the entire thing!
I told you that guy sucks.
Who cares? Shake the thing off.
Move!
Christ, there he is.
Give me a water, no ice.
Hey, Brock!
Brock!
-I don't know you, chief.
-Oh, I know you.
You were the fat guy in high school
who lost 50 pounds
and got super into fitness.
Had a steady diet of podcasts
and self-help books.
Probably have a fairly attractive wife
who has the body
of a boy Chechnyan gymnast.
-Fuck you talking about?
-"I'm much for fun."
"I like to make the sexy."
And I love that for you.
My wife could put you
through a wall, buddy.
I don't doubt it.
I might even sign up for it.
Sorry, what do you do?
I try and inspire people.
I tell people,
if there's something they want in life,
to believe in themselves
and to go out there and to grab it.
And I don't humiliate anybody.
I motivate people.
You're a bully, Brock.
Nobody likes a bully.
You were fat in high school,
you fat fucking cunt!
Yeah, fuck you, pussy!
A little heavy on the gas,
but I love the point of view.
I gotta go make a call.
I'm gonna pop out. I'll be right back.
-See you later, manager.
-[Shane] Hell yeah.
[Mike] Bartender?
Send over one old-fashioned
and a bowl of milk for Brock.
Hey, fat-ass, come take a seat.
Look, I was never… I was never fat, okay?
Always jacked.
-This is Phil. Leave a message.
-[beep]
Hi, Uncle Phil? It's Will.
How you doing, you bulldog?
I did mean that the other day
when I saw you.
You do have bulldog qualities.
You know, your neck.
But… I… I had some… some business
that I wanted to discuss with you.
-[man farting]
-So, um, maybe…
Maybe that's something we could…
you could call me back about,
and we could chat it out, you know?
I… I'm not very good
at leaving voicemails,
but… but… but don't tell Shane
I left you this voicemail because, um,
I think it's just something I wanna
discuss with you privately first.
And, uh, it's Will, by the way.
I don't know if I said? It's Will.
All right, talk to you soon. Bye-bye.
[puffs air]
[man farting and defecating]
[line ringing]
This is Kelly. I'm busy.
Leave me a message
or text me like a normal person.
-[beep]
-Hey, Kelly. Nice voicemail. [chuckles]
Uh, it's Shane. I was just calling
'cause, I don't know, I miss…
I wanted to talk to you.
I'm at this fucking convention thing,
and I don't know.
I met this guy, and he was talking to me,
and we had a couple beers,
and he was like, "If you wanna
do something, you should follow it,"
and I figured
I would give you a call, you know?
And I miss you.
I wanted you to know I don't do coke
like that. That was a one-time thing.
Excuse me.
Not you.
It's some fucking lady.
But you're number one.
And that's all I wanna say.
[mellow pop music playing]
Nailed it.
Nobody's gonna keep me from you ♪
Leave you bloody
From your head to your shoes ♪
I can't be bargained with
I can't be refused ♪
Rot in pieces, I'll be seeing you soon ♪
All your mistakes
Are gonna catch up with you ♪
You say you're changing… ♪