The Beverly Hillbillies (1962) s02e07 Episode Script

Come and listen to my story about a man named Jed A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed And then one day, he was shooting at some food And up through the ground come a-bubbling crude Oil that is Black gold Texas tea Well, the first thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there" Said, "Californy is the place you ought to be" So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly Hills, that is Swimming pools, movie stars.
Mr.
Drysdale, your past is here to haunt you.
What? Miss Chickadee Laverne that stripper you engaged for one of your "business" dinners.
I am not a stripper.
I am an exotic interpretive dancer, and I've got a great new act for your banker's convention, Mr.
Drysdale, that is Elmer and me.
Elmer? Isn't that Elly May Clampett's raccoon? Yeah.
Gee, it's a cute act.
See, I'm Little Red Ridin' Hood and I'm walking through the forest with a basket of food for my granny and I get lost and this raccoon finds me.
He's sitting on a rock When I pass by, he reaches out with these cute little hands and he unties the bow that holds up my skirt.
Then Miss Laverne, we are not interested in the sordid details of your ecdysiastical performance.
What'd she say? Don't ask me.
And shame on you for contributing to the delinquency of a raccoon.
I shall harbor him safely in my office until such time as I can return him safely to Elly May.
Come, Elmer.
What's with her? Without Elmer I got no act.
Here.
Get yourself another raccoon But not for the bankers' convention.
I don't think the act is suitable.
Oh, so you're backing out on me, too, just like the Clampetts did.
The Clampetts? Yeah.
I was promised an engagement up in their mansion.
Then they changed their mind.
Jed Clampett would never hire you.
His idea of entertainment is square dancing.
Well, I've danced for plenty of squares.
And speaking of squares, it was that big kid, Jethro, that asked me.
Miss Chickadee, I love you.
Will you marry me? Jethro, your granny tells me you got throwed out o' school today.
Yes, sir, Uncle Jed.
I got throwed out for writin' on my writin' desk.
What's wrong with that? I think it was 'cause I done the writin' with my pocket knife.
Boy, you been doin' a lot of foolish things lately.
What's come over you? I think the boy is ailin', Jed.
Lookie here His school lunch ain't even been touched.
When Jethro don't eat, he's ailin'.
Everything in there that he likes.
Grits, jowls, ham hocks and pone.
How come you didn't eat 'em, boy? Uncle Jed, can I tell you the truth? Well, I hope you always will.
I ain't hungry for grits or jowls or hocks or pone, neither.
All I want is Chickadee.
Well, why didn't you say so? Granny, fry this boy up a nice, big pan of chickadee.
There's everything in here that he likes.
Well, what's this? That's my writin' desk I wrote on.
"Chickadee.
" Ain't that that big, strappin' girl you brung home the day that you went courtin'? Yes, sir, Uncle Jed.
Found her in Miss Hathaway's office.
Yeah, she's a mighty handsome woman.
Said it 'afore, and I'll say it again: She's too old for Jethro! I'm deep in love with her, Granny.
Hogwash! How come you never spoke up about this before? Well, I knew Granny was agin' her, and I was afeared you might be, too, so I thought I'd run off and marry her and live happy ever after.
Now, Jethro, it takes two people to make a happy-ever-after marriage.
What makes you think that Miss Chickadee is in love with you? Well, she loves me enough to get engaged.
Well, you all heard how happy she was about that.
Come to think of it, I recollect her sayin' somethi" about a engagement, Granny.
Double hogwash! If she shows up here, I'll woodshed the both of 'em! But I'm telling you the truth.
That big kid, Jethro, was sitting right here, and when I came out of your office, he jumped up, grabbed me, put me on his truck and drove me out to his Uncle Jed's mansion, where I was promised an engagement.
Jethro is a headstrong, impetuous lad given to irresponsible behavior at times, but I assure you, Mr.
Clampett would never engage the likes of you.
Listen, honey, you don't know those oil millionaires like I do.
They give some pretty crazy parties.
Not Mr.
Clampett.
Now take your tawdry bauble and go.
Gee, where am I gonna find another raccoon that knows how to unfasten a dress? I'm sure you have a surfeit of ignominious methods by which to practice your reprehensible art.
Oh, sure, I what'd you say? I know you have lots of acts.
Oh, sure, I Yeah, I got, uh, bubbles and fans Maybe I could even go back to my old act, the one I'm famous for.
You know, the one where I break out of the egg.
That's how I got my name, Chickadee.
But that Red Riding Hood bit sure had zing.
Took a long time to learn, too.
Yes, now, now, now, if you'll excuse me, Miss Laverne, I want to give Elly May the good news about Elmer.
I bet if the Clampetts saw my Red Riding Hood act that they would hire Will you please go? Well, all right.
Gee, what a grouch! Hello.
Oh, Jethro, it's you.
Jane Hathaway here.
Oh, Miss Hathaway, I'm sure glad you called.
I been tryin' to get up nerve to call you all week.
You see, I'm deep in love, and I wanna get married right away and live happy ever after! J-Jethro, you are an impetuous lad! This is this is so sudden! Oh, no, it ain't.
Why, I've been in love ever since that day in your office when we looked at each other and heard music playin' Heart music.
Now, calm down, dear boy.
I'm coming up right away to bring Elly's raccoon, and we shall pursue this further.
Oh, thank you, Miss Jane.
I figured if anybody could find Miss Chickadee, it's you.
Well, thank you, Jethro, I'll find who? Chickadee Laverne? Jethro, I'm flabbergasted.
Why, thank you.
Will you find her and bring her up here, so I can marry her and live happy ever after? I'll do what I think is best.
Uh, I'll do my best for you, Jethro.
Yee-hah! Uncle Jed! Uncle Jed! Well, Chief, the fat's in the fire now.
You and your exotic dancers.
Corrupting that sweet, innocent boy.
What are you babbling about? Jethro is in love with Chickadee Laverne.
Aw, baloney.
At his age, I was in love with every showgirl I saw.
It's puppy love.
Jethro thinks it's the real thing.
He says they looked at one another, and he heard music play.
Music?! Oh, I know how that happened.
When Chickadee left my office the other day, she had this little concealed transistor radio, so, obviously, when she ran into Jethro in your office, he heard the music and thought And thought it was love.
How horrible.
Aw, forget it.
Jed Clampett can handle a case of puppy love.
Miss Hathaway, there's a raccoon in your office.
Now, now, now, Janet, don't panic.
You've seen a raccoon before.
Not like this one.
It keeps trying to undress me.
Couldn't catch him, huh, Elly? No, sir, Pa.
Jethro's runni" top speed, and he just keeps a-yellin' for you.
Well, we'll let him circle the house again and head him off out here.
Jed, look what Jethro done! I was sittin' in my rocker, and he run me down.
Didn't even stop.
Well, you gotta remember, Granny, that boy's in love.
We's gonna stop him this time around.
Well, when you catch him, I'm gonna smoke his britches for him! Uncle Jed! Sound like he's roundin' the far turn.
Uncle Jed! Want me to trip him and sit on him, Pa? No, I'll head him off, Elly.
Uncle Jed! Uncle Jed! Commence slowin' down now, Jethro! I'm right here! Now what is it, boy? Miss Hathaway's gonna find Miss Chickadee and fetch her over.
Yee-hah! I'm gonna see my sweetie! Jethro, put that truck down.
Don't drop it! Jethro, you's actin' like a bee-stung bobcat.
He's in love, Elly.
Jethro, you go have yourself a nice, long swim in the cement pond, and we'll let you know when Miss Chickadee gets here.
Yee-hah! That wild young'un! I'm so dad-burned mad I could bite nails! Granny, I reckon you've forgot how it feels to be in love.
Why do you suppose I'm so dad-burned mad? You know, Duke, just between you and me, I can't blame Jethro for his feelings toward Miss Chickadee.
I was about to fall for her myself.
No, it's the truth.
I didn't aim to.
It just happened.
I looked at her, she looked at me, and dogged if I didn't hear music a-playin'! Uh-oh yonder she comes.
Howdy, Mr.
Clampett.
It's me, Chickadee.
Howdy there.
What's the matter? Is there something wrong? Yes, ma'am.
I mean, no, ma'am.
Uh I reckon you want to see Jethro.
Right this way.
Hey, wait, wait, Mr.
Clampett! It's you I want to see.
Now, ma'am, you don't wanna see a ol' broken-down mountain goat like me, all crippled up and wore out, good for nothin'.
What are you talking about? Me, ma'am.
I'm older than the hills.
Who cares? Now turn around I want to talk to you.
What about? About the engagement you promised me.
No, no, that wasn't me, ma'am, that was Jethro! Word of honor.
So it was Jethro! Do I get it or don't I? Well, as we're folks that keep our word, ma'am, uh, if you was promised, I'll see that it's kept.
Good, I'll go get my clothes in the car.
You already brung your clothes, ma'am? Yeah.
It's the outfit I work in.
Red Riding Hood.
Wait'll you see it.
Well, now, Miss Chickadee, I'm hoping you ain't gonna rush things, 'cause I think a long engagement's gonna be best for everybody.
Oh, that'll suit me fine.
The longer the better.
Good, 'cause I don't hardly think you're ready.
What do you mean I'm not ready? Well, you remember how you told me about coming from a big egg? Oh, yeah.
But I've learned something new since then.
Well, that's a step in the right direction.
Now a raccoon finds me in the woods.
Mm-hmm.
Miss, Jane, I sure do appreciate you bringing Elmer back.
My pleasure, Elly.
Could you tell me where I might find your handsome cousin? Who? Jethro.
Oh, Jethro he's out swimming in the cement pond.
Thank you.
Something tells me we're finally going to make music together.
Jane Hathaway Who's that? I am your conscience.
And I am shocked at this nefarious scheme to trap handsome but innocent Jethro.
Is that what they taught you at Vassar, Wellesley and Smith? No.
As a matter of fact, I got the idea from a stripper.
This is not a matter for levity.
Remember your sorority motto: Super Omnio Fides.
Yes, yes, of course.
"Honor Above All.
" Conscience Yes, Jane.
I'm sorry.
I must have lost my head.
Forgive me.
Conscience Yes, Jane? Go take a flying leap! Oh, howdy, Miss Jane.
Hey, did you bring Miss Chickadee? Oh, forget about her, Jethro.
Look deep into my eyes.
And now stay tuned for the news.
Elly! Elly May! Oh, Elly May! Here I am, Pa.
Good.
Now, uh, Miss Chickadee is in that room up top of the stairs there, fixin' to change her clothes.
Why don't you run up there and see can you help her.
Yes, sir, Pa.
Oh, you better leave Elmer here.
Him being a boy raccoon and her being so innocent, she's liable to be powerful modest.
What you mean, Pa? Well, uh, let's just say that she ain't had things explained to her too good.
Now run along and see can you give her a hand.
Give who a hand? Miss Chickadee.
Is she in this house? Right at the top of the stairs.
I'll give her a hand right where it'll do the most good.
Uh, Granny maybe you better hear this settin' down.
Hear what? Jethro is engaged to Miss Chickadee.
No.
He give his word and she's holding him to it.
She's too old to marry Jethro.
She's too old to marry anybody.
Why, she's done past 20.
In years maybe, but in some ways she's just a little child.
Besides, women gets married older out here.
What you mean? I hear tell of a movie star that got herself a man when she was 27.
Go on! And then just to prove it wasn't no fluke, she up and married five more.
Jethro, just once more Gaze deeply into my eyes.
Have you brushed your teeth today? Miss Jane, are you gonna help me find Miss Chickadee or ain't ya? I ain't! Am not! Well, I'm going to go out and find her for myself.
Jeth-Jethro, listen to me.
We can make music together.
Please, just give me one more chance.
And another thing about her, Granny she ain't lazy.
Why, she's up there right now putting on her working clothes.
We'll see.
We'll see.
Miss Chickadee's a-comin'.
You say them's her workin' clothes? Yeah, I reckon that's a dust cap on her head.
What you got in the basket, Miss Chickadee? Why, it's a basket of food for Granny.
Did you hear that, Granny? Yeah, I hear it.
I'll wait'll I taste it before I get too excited.
Now stand over there.
You can see me work better.
Oh, well, if you're going to show off how work, I'd best go fetch Jethro.
He'd be right interested.
All right, now stand right over here, so you can get a good view of everything.
That's fine.
Now you just watch.
Hey, Elmer, that wasn't your cue.
Shame on you, Elmer.
I'm sorry! You mean she's here? Yes, ma'am; I think she's fixin' to dust the hall for us.
Get ready for a weddin', everybody! Jethro and Miss Chickadee's gonna get married right away! Who says so? The code of the hills says so! He done seen her in her underclothes! Miss Chickadee, Elmer's awful sorry about what he done.
Aw, that's all right, kid.
Anybody can miss a cue.
How'd you like my act? Well, I thought you acted real nice, considerin'.
I'd a been a heap more flustered than you was.
That's experience, honey.
Have you seen my basket? No, ma'am, but me and Elmer will help you look.
I don't want to lose it That prop food costs plenty of money.
What's prop food? Oh, it's made out of plaster and cement, stuff like that.
Well, I reckon that'll keep Jethro out of our way for a spell.
What'd you do with him? Throwed him in the cement pond.
I told him swimming five miles was part of gettin' proper engaged.
That boy'll swallow anything.
Well, he'll have a time swallowing Miss Chickadee's cooking.
What'd you mean? You know that basket of food that she brung me, that she was so all-fired proud of? Yeah.
Pitiful.
Pitiful! Ah, she fixed you a nice-looki" loaf of bread.
Yeah.
Let's see you slice it.
Don't seem to be strictly fresh.
Why don't you come right out and say it: it's as hard as a rock! Tastes a mite like cement.
I don't think she used any bakin' powder.
Nor yeast neither.
I ain't even sure she used flour! Well, it's a fine-looking slab of ham.
Ain't got much of a hickory-cured smell to it.
Ain't got no smell at all.
You know, Granny, I think this woman's trouble is she overcooks everything.
Well, I sure do feel sorry for Jethro.
Yeah, that boy sets a great store by his vittles.
Well, I'll just have to pitch in and learn Miss Chickadee about cooking! That ain't all you're gonna have to learn her.
Whatcha mean? Well, uh, remember how she thought she come from a egg? Yeah.
She got herself a new notion now.
She thinks she was found in the woods by a raccoon.
Yonder she comes.
She took off her work clothes.
Sure! Now that she's got Jethro hooked, we ain't gonna get no work out of her.
Shh! Well! Come in, Miss Chickadee.
I hope you're feeling right to home.
Oh, I love it here.
Well, I see you changed out of your workin' clothes.
Oh, I thought everyone had seen enough.
I reckon Jethro seen too much! Granny! Miss Chickadee, uh, I hope you still favor a long engagement like we's talkin' about.
Oh, like I said, Uncle Sugar, the longer the better! I'm glad to hear you say that.
Now I'm gonna leave you two alone here to a little woman talk.
Woman talk? What'll we talk about? Everything, honey! Right from scratch! And we'll commence with vittles.
What are vittles? Oh, no, no.
Well, we gotta start somewhere.
Do you know how to fix a possum supper? I don't even know what a possum eats for supper! Howdy, Mr.
Drysdale.
Did y'all come for Jethro and Miss Chickadee's weddin'? Wedding?! No! No! You mean they're actually getting married? You see, Chief! I told you! I warned you that the consequences of your perfidious association with that nefarious Oh, shut up! Where are they, Elly May? Well, Miss Chickadee went in the kitchen to talk to Pa 'n Granny, and Jethro's in the cement pond.
I'll circle the house and head him off at the pool! I said take this skillet and put some lard in it! What is this cooking bit? I came here to dance! I declare, I never seen a woman reach your age and know so little about life! Now, you take this skillet 'afore I whomp you with it! All right! Well, I tell you this right now, if I'm gonna cook, I'm gonna get paid extra for it! Get out of here, you scheming sexpot! How dast you order me out of my own kitchen! What's all the bellowi" about in here? Oh, Mr.
Clampett, a thousand, a thousand apologies for ever allowing this woman to come in contact with your wonderful family.
Come along.
Oh! Let go or I'll let you have this skillet! Give it to him he can probably cook better'n you can! Now get this straight: I'm here to dance, not to cook.
Well, if Jethro's got a choice, I know he'll take cooki" over dancin'.
That boy's overpoweri" fond of vittles.
Who cares about Jethro! Well, I hope you do, seeing as how you're gonna marry him.
I wouldn't marry Jethro if he had your money! Well, I wouldn't marry you neither, Miss Chickadee.
Well that suits me fine! Gimme my basket! Get me outta this nut house! Boy, what they want for their money! You gotta clean the house, you gotta cook, you gotta marry the kid.
Wowee, wow, wow, wow! Jethro, I thought you said you was deep in love with Miss Chickadee.
You said you wanted to marry her and live happy ever after! Granny, I could never live happy ever after with her.
Why not? Uncle Jed, it was all I could do to choke down one basket of her vittles.
If I had to eat 'em every day, I'd die! Well, now its time to say good-bye To Jed and all his kin And they would like to thank you folks Fer kindly droppin' in You're all invited back next week to this locality To have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality Hillbilly, that is Set a spell Take your shoes off Y'all come back now, y'hear? This has been a Filmways Presentation.