The Beverly Hillbillies (1962) s02e09 Episode Script

The Clampetts Go Hollywood

Come and listen to my story about a man named Jed A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed And then one day, he was shooting at some food And up through the ground come a-bubbling crude Oil, that is Black gold Texas tea Well, the first thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there" Said, "Californy is the place you ought to be" So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly Hills, that is Swimming pools, movie stars.
You'll have to wait a spell for the rest of your breakfast, Mickey.
Movie stars come first.
Tell Granny more juice for Aunt Opal, and Uncle Jake would like another pot of coffee.
Right now, don't forget, tomorrow it's my turn to serve 'em breakfast in bed.
Well, all right, Jethro, hurry now.
Goodness knows, Jed, I ain't one to complain, but when able-bodied folks have to have their vittles toted up to bed to them, I think it's downright sinful and lazy, especially when they bear the proud name of Clampett.
Well, I reckon movie picture actors like Cousin Jake is used to living a different kind of life from us, Granny.
Besides, the young'uns don't seem to mind fetchi" and totin' for 'em.
Hey, Granny, Aunt Opal wants some more juice.
Oh, and I'll need this pot of coffee for my uncle, the movie star.
Jethro! You By dinghies, Jed, you'd think we were the poor relations instead of them two upstairs! Now, Granny, I don't hardly think it's fitting for you to be calling a big movie star like Cousin Jake "poor relations.
" I ain't never seen him in a movie picture.
Have you? No, Granny, uh, you and me don't go to a whole heap" pictures, neither.
Well, I've seen enough to know who's stars and who ain't.
That's more than he does.
What do you mean? Well, I got to asking him questions last night.
He don't even know Hoot Gibson! Go on.
Everybody knows Hoot Gibson.
He don't.
He don't know Dustin Farnum, Ken Maynard.
He don't even know Jack Hoxie! He was a-greenin' you.
Why, them is the hardest ridin', straightest shootin' movin' picture stars they is.
Of course.
But do you know who your cousin Jake wants to put in a movie picture? Who? Some feller by the name of Marlon Brando.
I kind of admire that in Cousin Jake.
Ain't everybody'd take a chance on a new fella nobody ever heard of.
Good for you, Cousin Jake.
How long do you think you're gonna get away with this movie star masquerade? It won't be a masquerade once I make a picture with Marlon Brando.
I'll be a star.
You've never made a picture with anybody.
What makes you think you can get Brando? With this mansion and Cousin Jed's money, I can do anything.
Hon, it's Hollywood psychology.
When you look like you don't need a job, everybody wants you.
In your case, it'll be the police.
Baby, I am not doing anything illegal.
I am merely accepting the hospitality of my cousin, Jed Clampett.
You're also spending his money.
And you're not even sure that he is your cousin.
Neither is he which makes it all work out very nicely.
How do you know he's your cousin? 'Cause he says so.
And the word of a Clampett is good enough for me.
His being a Clampett don't make him your cousin.
No, but his saying so does.
How come? 'Cause he's a Clampett.
And the word of a Clampett is good enough for me.
Hey, come quick, everybody! My uncle the movie star is about to come down the stairs, and we can all watch him! What for? Does he come down the stairs different from other folks? For a fact, he does, Granny.
I watched him yesterday, and he is something else.
Hey, come on, Granny, let's all go watch.
Y'all all sit right here and be nice and quiet and watch that door up yonder.
Pretty soon, you'll see an honest-to-goodness, real-life movie star comin' out of that door and down them stairs.
Well, don't stand in front of my critters.
I promised them they could see Uncle Jake.
Whoops! That's the first time I ever seen him come down that way.
You see, Granny, I told you he was worth watching.
Sure can take a tumble, can't he? I betcha he can get shot off a horse something grand.
I still say he ain't no Hoot Gibson.
Now, Jethro, before I speak to Cousin Jake, you sure this is what you want to do for a living? Yes, sir, Uncle Jed, I've done decided I want to be a movie star.
You give up the notion of being a pig farmer? Well, yes, sir, Uncle Jed.
I give that up to be a brain surgeon.
What steered you off of being a brain surgeon? Well, I ain't give that up altogether now.
If I don't like movie starrin', I'll go back to brain surgeonin'.
Good thinkin', boy.
Never put all your eggs in one basket.
Uh, excuse me, Cousin Jake.
I to hate to bother you.
I know you're powerful busy being a movie star, learning your parts and all, but, uh, if you could spare me a minute, I'd like to ask you a favor.
Quite all right, Cousin Jed.
What can I do for you? Well, uh, I know you're figuring on making a picture with this feller, uh, Brando.
Marlon Brando; yes.
Yeah, yeah, that's the fella.
Well, now, Jethro here has got a right powerful hankerin' to be a movie star, and I figured, uh, since you're using an actor nobody ever heard of, uh, couldn't you just as well use Jethro? Use Jethro instead of Marlon Brando? I'll make it up to you any way I can.
Course I ain't got much to offer except money, but you're welcome to that.
How-how much money? Much as you need 5, 10 million.
You know, there's a lot of Brando in that boy.
It's fantastic! He is Brando! Jethro, let me hear you yell, "Hey, Stella!" I don't know nobody name of Stella.
Pretend you do.
Howdy, Stella! Say! He took that off real good.
Just like he knowed her.
Cousin Jed, I think that you have come up with a great new discovery.
Well, now I can't claim the credit.
After all, it was you discovered he was a great actor.
Yes, yes.
Well, now, I tell you what.
Jethro, there's a Marlon Brando movie playing in town.
I want you to go see it.
Study Brando, learn all you can.
All right? Is it all right, Uncle Jed? Hop to it, boy.
Yahoo! I'm gonna be a movie star! Well, uh, thank you, Cousin Jake.
Uh, thanks a million! Oh, just a minute.
I thought you said five or ten Oh, you mean! Think nothing of it.
My pleasure.
Where's Jethro going in such an all-fire hurry, bellowin' like a bee-stung calf? He's going into town, Granny.
Cousin Jake here done made that boy a movie star.
Well, then, Cousin Jake here can just do that boy's chores.
Granny, movie stars don't do chores like common ordinary people.
They do a lot of special stuff, like, uh, getting shot off of horses, and whuppin' a whole saloon full of bad men.
Ain't that right, Jake? Quite right, quite right.
Well, now, uh, if you'll excuse me.
You see, Granny? That's the kind of stuff he does.
I still say he ain't no Hoot Gibson.
Whoo-ee! Ain't that a pretty automobile! Well, now that you're gonna be an important movie producer you deserve the best.
You mean this is for me? With my compliments.
Oh, you hadn't ought to done that.
I ain't no movie producer.
Oh, you certainly are.
You are financing my picture and that makes us partners.
You own 50 uh, 20 I am cutting you in for ten percent of the profits.
Well, doggies! That sure is nice of you.
Jake, I've been looking all Whose car? His.
Your husband just bought it for me.
Uh, with what? With the profits from our picture! Yes, ma'am.
It's gonna star my nephew Jethro Bodine.
Who?! Well, among others, dear, among others.
I'm also trying to get Rock Hudson, Doris Day, Cary Grant, Liz Taylor That's a dandy idea.
Give a lot of new folks a chance.
Pa, Pa, Granny says Jethro's gonna be a movie star.
I want to be a movie star, too.
Well, right here's the fella can do it.
It was him discovered Jethro.
How about it, Uncle Jake? Can I be a movie star like Jethro? Like Jethro, yes.
It's entirely possible, my dear.
With that figure, she Uh, I figure that, um, with the right clothes and makeup you could be sensational.
Opal, take Cousin Jed's daughter into town in Cousin Jed's, uh, new car and, uh, get her glamorized.
At Cousin Jed's expense.
Darling, he's producing the picture.
Now run along, girls.
Spend all the money you need, ma'am.
Turn her into a first-class movie star A regular Lillian Gish.
Bye, Pa.
Thank you, Uncle Jake.
Glad to do it.
Well, I sure am beholden to you, Cousin.
My pleasure, Cousin.
Where's Elly May? She just got the floor half scrubbed and she run out.
She won't be back for a spell, Granny.
Cousin Jake here done made that girl a movie star, too.
Well, then, Cousin Jake can just doggone finish the floor.
Granny, like I tried to explain to you, movie stars just don't do ordinary labor.
Uh, that's right, that's right.
Thank you.
Well, I'll, uh, I'll see you later.
He's getting better every time, Granny.
I still say he ain't no Hoot Gibson.
You mark my words, Jed Clampett.
You're gonna rue the day you let them two Hollywood slickers move into your house! Granny, I don't hardly think you ought to call Cousin Jake and his woman Hollywood slickers.
Well, you tell me, what kind of folks lay in bed till after sunup, and stays up till 9:00 or 10:00 at night? I got some more wood to cut.
And goes around turning young'uns' heads, telling 'em they're gonna be movie stars?! And then they run off from home and leave their chores! Folks, get ready for the treat of a lifetime.
I would like to present Hollywood's newest and most glamorous star, that queen of the silver screen, that dazzling beauty, Miss Venus Adore! Howdy, ma'am.
Howdy, Pa.
Holy jumping toad gizzards, it's Elly May! What was it you called her? Venus Adore.
That will be her screen name.
Well, Jed, have you seen and heard enough? Do you want me to take my shotgun to that rascal? Now, Granny.
I think I hear my wife calling.
If you'll excuse me, please.
I thought I'd better keep the engine running, just in case.
Jump in.
They'll never catch you.
Oh, very funny, very funny.
If I could just figure a way to get around Granny, I'd have it made.
Say, did you ever hear of Hoot Gibson? Must be a rock-and-roll singer.
No, no.
Hoot Gibson used to be a Western star in the old silent days.
My mother used to talk about him.
Westerns! So that's what she's so hepped on, with all that talk about Buck Jones and Dustin Farnum.
Clear out of here, you varmints! Opal, did you see that? We have found her! We have found the dance hall queen for the new Hoot Gibson picture! Jake, come on! Opal, take her down to Western Costumes immediately, and have her outfitted for the role of Straight-Shootin' Jean, the Dance Hall Queen! Oh, I can see that big scene now, with her sitting on the piano singing her song, and Hoot Gibson comes riding into the saloon on his horse, sweeps her up into his arms, and rides off into the Hold on! Hold on! You're just wasting time standing there giving me talk like that.
I am? Yeah! Let's get going, Opal! If Hoot Gibson needs me, he's got me! Don't you like me as a movie "sireen," Pa? Well, yeah, Elly, course I do.
You're something to see.
I bet you you're gonna be a bigger movie star than Pearl White.
Course, you're gonna look a lot better when you get your hair fixed.
Pa, it is fixed.
Hey, you don't say.
Jed! Cousin Jed! I think you better come out here.
Some crazy kid is racing up and down your driveway on a motorcycle! Look out! Yee-ha! Look at me, Uncle Jed! That there was Jethro.
Oh, boy! Jethro! Listen, you can't ride those things in the house! Jethro! Jethro! Jethro! Oh! Wait'll Granny sees Jethro ride that thing.
Wait'll she sees Cousin Jake.
Even Hoot Gibson don't do trick riding no better than that.
Chief! We weren't expecting you back for a couple of days.
How was the trip? Fine.
How are the Clampetts? Oh, fine, fine.
That is to say, fine now.
There was a little mix-up the day you left, but Oh? What kind of a mix-up? Well, it seems there are two J.
Clampetts banking here.
Jake Clampett's an out-of-work actor who is habitually overdrawn, and his statement was sent to Jed Clampett by mistake.
Oh, no! Oh, Chief, it's all been rectified now.
The two are now friends.
In fact, Jake and his wife are visiting at the Clampett mansion.
Who's this? This is J.
Who is this? This is Milburn Drysdale, president of the Commerce Bank.
Are you the actor? Ah, yes, yes, but I already have the financing for my new picture.
My cousin, Jed Clampett, is putting up the whole $10 million.
Try me next time.
All right, Granny, let's try it again.
Hooty rode into the dance hall Scooped up his straight-shootin' Jean Then he rode out from them swingin' doors With his pretty dance hall queen He was her man And he was taking her home.
Look, Mr.
Drysdale, we are very busy rehearsing for the new picture.
Hello?! Listen, you crook Hello?! Hello?! Something amiss, Chief? Chief, Chief, my woman's intuition tells me all is not well.
You are fired! I was right.
As soon as you drive me up to the Clampetts! A reprieve.
Duke, I'm right perplexed.
First Elly, then Jethro, and now Granny All acting like they was chickens got into the corn mash.
Hi, Uncle Jed.
Course I could anger myself up and put a stop to the whole thing, But I'd much rather they'd see for theirselves how durn foolish they look.
Uncle Jed, look, no hands.
I don't know about you, Duke, but it's getting too noisy for me out here.
Now I'm going to show you the Stanislavsky method of acting.
Make your mind a complete blank and we'll start from there.
Excellent, excellent.
Now, become a tree.
A tree? Yes, think tree, tree, tree You're green and you're leafy and you have branches, like this.
Howdy, Pa.
Howdy, Duke.
Come on, Duke, I don't hardly know her myself.
Oh, Jed, come and listen to the new song I'm gonna do in the new Hoot Gibson picture.
Let 'er rip, Opal.
Hooty rode into the dance hall Scooped up his straight-shootin' Jean Then he rode out from them swingin' doors With his pretty dance hall queen He was her man Aw, Jed Don't go, Jed.
I've just commenced.
They's 12 more verses.
Here comes that nut on the motorcycle again.
Hey, Stella What do ya say, baby? You wanna drag me in that heap? What?! See here, you young hoodlum! Jethro, get off of that thing! I gotta split.
I'll see ya, Stella.
That was Jethro? I'm afraid it was.
Clampett, I want to talk to you.
Let's go inside.
Things is worse in there than they is out here.
Why don't you both get in? You can talk while I drive.
That's a dandy idea.
Come on, Duke.
But Mr.
Clampett, even if he is your cousin, you can't let this foolishness continue! I'd be right pleasured if my family would just go back to acting like my family again.
They probably don't realize how ridiculous they appear to others.
I tried hinting at it, but it just don't seem to take ahold.
Well, the lure of show business has turned many a head.
Chief, if I solve this problem, may I have my job back? With a raise! Hang on, everyone, here we go! All right, all right, let's have it quiet.
Hey, Stella! What is the scoop? Where's Pa? Mr.
Drysdale will explain everything.
Ready, Chief? Well, ladies and gentlemen, thanks to Mr.
Jake Clampett here, His cousin Jed has decided to get into show business like the rest of you.
And so, without further ado, allow me to present the newest sensation of the entertainment world Jed Clampett! Well, baby, well, baby Well, baby, well, baby Oh, baby, oh, baby Well, baby, yeah, baby Yeah, baby, well, baby Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah I declare, Elly, your pa's acting like a durned fool.
He sure does look funny.
Oh, baby, yeah, baby And he's making a noise like a stepped-on frog.
Yeah, baby, yeah, baby I reckon the men folks in this family just ain't got good sense.
Well, I wouldn't talk so much if I was you two.
You look pretty durn foolish yourself.
Well, so do you.
Shh! You know something I guess we all look durn foolish.
Folks, my next number is especial for my cousin Jake here, 'cause it was him made me what I am right now.
Well, baby, well, baby, well, baby, well, baby Oh, baby, oh, baby Well, baby, well, baby Yeah, baby, yeah, baby Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah Oh, well, baby Well, baby Well, baby, oh, baby! It worked, Mr.
You're marvelous.
Clampett Yeah, baby, oh, baby Mr.
Clampett, you can stop now.
Yeah, baby Mr.
Clampett! Oh, no, now he's hooked on show business.
Oh, baby, oh, baby, yeah, baby Mr.
Clampett! Yeah, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby Kind of had you scared there for a minute, didn't I? Well, now it's time to say good-bye To Jed and all his kin And they would like to thank you folks Fer kindly droppin' in You're all invited back next week to this locality To have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality Hillbilly, that is Set a spell Take your shoes off Y'all come back now, y'hear? This has been a Filmways Presentation.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode