The Beverly Hillbillies (1962) s02e10 Episode Script

Turkey Day

Come and listen to my story about a man named Jed A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed And then one day, he was shooting at some food And up through the ground come a-bubbling crude Oil, that is Black gold Texas tea Well, the first thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there" Said, "Californy is the place you ought to be" So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly Hills, that is Swimming pools, movie stars.
Can you stuff a turkey good Billy Boy, Billy Boy? Can you stuff a turkey good For Thanksgiving? She can stuff a turkey good Like a turkey stuffer should But she's a young thing And cannot leave her mother Can she roast a turkey brown Don't pay no attention to what Granny's singing, Turkey.
Where'd you go? Here, turkey, turkey.
Here, turkey, turkey.
Don't be scared.
Granny don't mean no harm.
See? I brought you some nice stuffing.
I-I mean bread.
Is she fixing gravy, too Billy Boy, Billy Boy? Fixing giblet gravy, too For Thanksgiving? Yes, she's fixing gravy, too Like her mama used to do She's a young thing And cannot leave her mother Can she make a pumpkin pie Billy Hold on, Elly.
Oh, morning, Pa.
What you got there? Oh, this here's a raccoon name of Elmer.
Elly May.
Yes, sir, Pa? I know that's a raccoon name of Elmer.
What you got in the sack? What sack? Sack you're totin'.
Sack I'm totin'? Yeah, the sack that turkey just stuck his head out of.
Told you to stay out of sight.
Elly May, come here.
Yes, sir, Pa.
Elly May, I told you not to go friendlying up with that turkey bird so close before Thanksgiving.
Well, it wasn't me, Pa, it was Elmer here.
Was it Elmer chucked him in that sack? Well, he didn't do it alone.
I kind of helped him.
Well, you kind of help him take him out and put him back in his pen.
Drysdale give us that bird for a meal, not a pet.
He's awful smart, Pa.
And friendly, too.
Why, I learned him to shake hands.
Well, Elly, he ain't likely to be going into politics.
I'll just take him out of the sack, and he can shake hands with you.
I don't want to shake his hand.
What's gonna happen to him is bad enough without him thinking a friend done it to him.
Now, put him back and leave him be.
Yes, sir, Pa.
Come on, Elmer, let's put poor old Herman back in the pen.
I declare, Duke, if Mr.
Drysdale give us a string of weenies, that girl'd make pets out of 'em! Jed, can I borrow that old hound dog for a minute? Well, sure, Granny.
What for? The turkey got away.
And I want old Duke to sniff out his trail.
Oh, you don't need old Duke, Granny.
Yes, I do, Jed.
My nose ain't what it used to be.
It was Elly let Herman out Uh, the turkey.
Herman?! Don't tell me she's making a pet out of our Thanksgiving vittles, is she? No, no, she's putting him back.
Well, that's better.
It's been a whole year since the Drysdales sat down at the table with us.
And we got to put on the dog.
Oh, don't worry, Duke.
When folks says they's "putting on the dog," it just means they're doing things fancy.
Yeah, Duke.
Like dressing up in your Sunday-go-to-meeting best and having vittles in the fancy eating room.
That reminds me, I told Jethro to put the company chairs around the fancy eating table.
Best go and see how he's doing.
Didn't aim to scare you, Duke.
Come on, now.
Get them worry wrinkles out of your head.
Us old folks has got to stick together.
Uncle Jed, Granny, Elly, me, Mr.
Drysdale, Mrs.
Drysdale, Miss Jane How's it coming, Jethro? Oh, fine, Uncle Jed.
By doggies, there's one thing you got to say about the folks out here, they believe in building a good, strong eating table.
Why, you could serve up a whole barbecued steer on this thing and not bow it none.
Oh, yes, sir.
Hey, you remember that little feller that came home from school with me the other day? Yeah.
Well, he says this here room is what you call a billiard room.
And this here table is what you call a billiard table.
And you know what I got figured out? What? This here rascal must be what you call a billiard.
Well, doggies.
I always wondered what that critter was.
Mean-lookin', ain't he? That's a fact.
Judging from the size of his head, he must be monstrous big.
I reckon that's why they had to build a extra strong table.
You reckon we could shoot one of these sometime? They live around here in Beverly Hills? I reckon so.
This little feller says his pa shoots billiards couple nights a week.
Hunt 'em at night, do they? Yes, sir.
I ain't so sure I'd want to run into him in the dark.
Powerful ugly, huh? Well, maybe that's one good thing about catching us a billiard.
I don't reckon even Elly'd want to make a pet out of him.
What's that turkey doing in my sink? Well, he's just watching me stir him up a pan of grits, Granny.
With my gravy?! He's right partial to your grits and gravy, Granny.
Why, he'd like to shake your hand.
Well, I'm mighty pleased to Get that bird out of here! And I don't want to see him in my kitchen until he's dressed and ready for the oven! Well, that kind of talk gets him all scared.
Granny was just a-greenin' you, Herman.
No, I wasn't! Now, you take him out to the pen like your pa told you.
And take his last meal with him.
Shake hands with a turkey.
I ain't grabbing no drumstick that grabs back at me.
Look, Granny, Herman's a-strutti" his feathers for you.
Both of you, get out of here.
Well, Granny, I'm ready for that gobbler.
Oh, praise be.
If we leave him around Elly much longer, he'll be wanting dessert and coffee with his meals! All right, now, Herman, you ain't gonna let 'em scare you no more.
Is it a deal? Attaboy.
Now, you do your best to make friends with everybody.
Oh, uh, Elly May, uh, would you do me a favor? Well, sure, Pa.
Would you, uh, shinny up that, uh, walnut tree out back there and, uh, pick me a nice big sack of nuts? I sure will, Pa.
And you can visit with Herman.
Hmm? Ooh, uh Well, now, uh, Herman Uh, Mr.
Gobbler, I reckon the quicker we get this over with, the better.
No, I'm sorry.
I don't usually refuse a hand offered in friendship, but in this case, I just got a feeling it wouldn't be lasting.
No hard feelings.
I got nothing agin' you.
You're, as turkeys go, I reckon you're right up there with the best, but I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't look at me like that.
Oh, what's the use? I can't do it.
Reckon we just got to shoot us one of them billiards for Thanksgiving.
That there is what you call a Beverly Hills billiard.
I don't care what you call it, I ain't gonna cook it.
Now, Granny, the folks that lived here before us must have found them pretty tasty.
This here table was built just special for billiards.
I don't care.
Anything that looks that mean gotta taste mean.
Besides, it's too big to cook.
Well, I could dig you a barbecue pit out back.
No, sir.
Drysdale give us a turkey, and I got the stuffing made, and, by dingies, I want that turkey cleaned and dressed and no more foolishness! I'm sorry, Granny, I just can't do it.
Maybe Jethro can.
He ain't got acquainted with Herman like I have.
Do what, Granny? Clean and dress a turkey.
Can you do it? I reckon so.
Well, get at it.
It's back of the kitchen in that pen.
Yes, ma'am.
I declare, I never thought I'd see the day that Jed Clampett was scared to kill a turkey.
Heaven help him if he ever meets up with a billiard! Hey, Granny, I got the turkey all cleaned and dressed.
Fetch him in; I'm ready.
Put him in the pan.
What in tarnation?! Do you call that dressing a turkey? Well, I did the best I could.
I didn't have no clothes that'd fit him.
I borrowed them clothes from a little feller down the street.
I think he's kind of cute, myself.
So does he.
He even shook my hand.
Well, howdy there, Miss Jane.
Greetings, Mr.
I wonder if I might borrow one of Granny's ancient, outdoor cooking pots.
Why, you bet you can.
But ain't you taking Thanksgiving vittles with us? Oh, yes, indeed.
I merely wanted to borrow the venerable vessel as a photographic prop.
You see, Mr.
and Mrs.
Drysdale are posing as Governor and Mrs.
Bradford in a re-creation of the first Thanksgiving, some 342 years ago, when the Algonquian Squanto and Massasoit befriended the beleaguered pilgrims and so made it possible to perpetuate the Plymouth Colony and bring into being what is now one of the most important holidays on the American calendar.
What was it you wanted again? A pot.
Oh, yeah! I'll fetch it right out.
Milburn! Hurry! Oh, here you are! So sorry for the delay.
Miss Hathaway is out getting a kettle, and Mr.
Drysdale doesn't have his costume on as yet.
Uh paleface squaw descendant of pilgrim.
He present when red brother bring turkey for feast.
Uh, me grateful to red brother.
Milburn! Hurry! What was she talking about? As near as I can figure, she's got a brother who's a Communist.
What nation you from? You from Mohican? Uh Kennebec? Algonquin? Where are you from? Central Casting.
Oh! There you are, Miss Jane.
Uh, now you got somebody to help you unload it over to the Drysdales'? Oh, yes, and thank you; I'm so grateful.
My pleasure.
Say, uh, maybe you can tell me something.
Whereabouts would a fella go around here to shoot his self a billiard? Billiard? Oh, you mean the game! Shoot billiards.
Yes, ma'am.
Ordinarily, one would go to a bill Billiard parlor.
A parlor? Indoors? Definitely.
Oh, oh, not a parlor as you know it, Mr.
No, it's a large room with several tables, and people come in and shoot billiards.
Indoors? Yes.
You see, you see, the tables on which Wait a minute You have one in your billiard room.
Yes, ma'am, and I got to say it's the ugliest thing I ever did see.
Well, that's a matter of individual taste.
They're quite expensive, and many Beverly Hills mansions have one.
Usually, you'll find them in the playroom, or the game room, or the billiard room.
But they keep 'em in the house? Always.
I sure would've figured billiards for outdoors.
Never out in the weather, no.
Oh! The Drysdales are waiting.
I'll see you later.
Yes, ma'am.
Granny, would you believe it, these Beverly Hills folks keep them big ugly billiards indoors.
And for pets.
No! Yeah.
Don't that take the rag off'n the bush? It sure does.
Now you go and take the head off of that gobbler.
Granny, I just can't do that to a critter that keeps wanting to shake my hand.
What is the matter with you? Why, back home you used to bring home a great big gobbler every Thanksgiving! Yeah, but they was wild turkeys that I hunted and shot out in the woods.
They had a sporting chance.
Well, then you take our'n out and turn it loose in the woods and hunt it.
By dingies, I think you got an idea there.
I hope so.
When the Drysdales come to eat, they want to see that bird settin' on the table, not at it! So sorry to keep noble chiefs waiting.
Husband not in costume yet.
If Indian thirsty, paleface squaw be happy bring refreshment.
I'll have a beer.
Make mine a dry martini.
Indian want firewater? Very dry.
Ten firewater to one vermouth.
All right.
Hey, where are y'all going with Herman? Oh, uh, Jethro and me is taking him out in the woods to go hunting.
Oh, good, he'll like that.
You want to go hunting with us, Elly? I brung Granny's shotgun.
Well, no, uh, Elly can't do that.
She got to take them walnuts in to her granny.
And then she's got to go find her granny some hickory nuts.
Well, where, Pa? I ain't seen a single hickory tree on this whole place.
Well, why don't you try over to the Drysdales? They might just have one.
Yes, sir.
Why, they ain't got none of the hick Shh! Hurry with the hickory nuts.
Drive on, Jethro.
Bye, Elly.
Have a good time, Herman! There.
We're going to have a very authentic reproduction of the first Thanksgiving.
And you are Squanto.
Uh, no, lady, that's the clown that rides around with the Lone Ranger.
Hi-ho! No, I-I won't do it! I won't! Please, Milburn! I will not have my picture taken in this ridiculous getup! But it'll be in the society section tomorrow.
Oh, no, it won't! Please redskin help paleface squaw.
Paleface squaw speak with forked tongue.
No bring redskin firewater.
Oh, I forgot! Miss Hathaway, quickly One beer and one firewater I mean, uh, dry martini.
I-I could use one of those myself.
Grab him! Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, Milburn, I'll fix you a drink myself.
I just don't want you disappearing again! Let go of me! Sorry, mister.
You no pose, we no get paid.
Come on now, hold still.
Aah! Aah! Can she roast a turkey brown, Billy Boy, Billy Boy? Can she roast a turkey brown, charming Billy? She can roast a turkey brown Quick as Jed shoots him down She's a young thing and Granny, Granny, get the gun! Injuns! Get your gun! The Injuns is attacking! Injuns! You mean redskin savages? Yes, ma'am.
They's on the warpath.
They done captured Mr.
Where's my gun, Elly? Elly, where is my gun, Elly? Jethro took it to the woods with him this morning, when him and Pa went hunting.
Ah, just like my granny always said.
Them redskins wait until the menfolks disappear with the guns, and then they attack! What'll we do, Granny? We'll fight 'em tooth and nail! We'll sell our scalps dear! Come on child, but protect your hair! Now then, happy pilgrims, happy Algonquin.
Chief, you look terrible.
What do you want for this kind of dough, Custer's last stand? Oh, no, no, no.
I meant my chief, Mr.
Now, then, everyone, smile.
Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it Ah! Excellent! Good-bye, all.
Wait, Milburn.
The next is the most important picture of all, where the Indians give us the turkey.
Oh, Margaret.
I shall reload the camera while you get the bird.
Where is the turkey? It was in a crate right over there.
Oh, if that's the one you mean, I gave it to the Clampetts.
You what?! Well, they did invite us over for Thanksgiving dinner.
It seemed the least I could do.
I am not eating with those dreadful people.
Then I am not posing for these dreadful pictures.
Please, Milburn, go get the turkey back.
No! They'll think I'm an Indian giver! No offense, fellas.
Then I'll get it.
Oh, no! I'm not going to have you insulting them.
Look, tell us where the turkey is, and we'll get it.
At the Clampetts', right through that hedge.
Right through there? Come on, friend, right through there.
Uh, tell them you just want to borrow it.
They can have it back.
What?! There's two of 'em coming through the hedge.
They ain't toting guns.
We'll hide and ambush 'em! Remember, now, don't let 'em grab your hair.
Jump him! Whoa! Where'd everybody go? Come on, let's fight.
Let's fight.
Well, I reckon we got to go in and face Granny.
She's gonna be powerful mad.
Yeah, but Elly's gonna be powerful happy.
With Herman, that's two happys to one mad.
I'm kind of happy myself.
So am I, Jethro.
Well, let's get him around the back.
You fetch the gun.
Come on, Herman.
Outside of a politician, I ain't ever seen any critter so all-fired anxious to shake a man's hand.
Keep a sharp lookout, Elly.
Them redskins is tricky rascals.
Yes'm, Granny.
Keep quiet, you! Don't you try to signal the rest of your tribe! Lay down, you hair-stealin' varmint! Granny Granny, I hear something.
It's a turkey gobble.
There it is again.
Don't let it fool you, child.
That's an old Indian trick.
They's sneaking up to attack.
Lookie! Yonder comes Pa and Jethro with the guns! We's saved! We's saved, Elly! We is saved! We is saved! We're saved! We're saved! Oh, quick, let 'em in before they get a arrow in the back.
Now you're gonna get it, you red devils! Granny, what in tarnation you got here? Some bloodthirsty savages, that's what we got here! And don't you never go off and leave us without any firearms, unless you want to come home and find a couple of bald-headed women! Sure, they tried to scalp us, but we jumped them first.
Well, how in the world could there be wild Indians in Beverly Hills? Any place that can have them ornery-lookin' billiards can have Injuns.
The next time you get me a job like this, I want stuntman's pay.
Injun, I reckon you better stay till my Uncle Jed says you can go.
Oy vay iz mir! Anybody understand Injun talk? Here, have a slug of Granny's rheumatiz medicine.
Thank you.
It'll get the kinks out of your joints.
So, here you are lollygagging while we're waiting.
And you, always after the firewater! You'll never work for me again! If I do, I'll want to read the script first! Well, shame on you! I warned you not to come over here and insult these people.
I'm not insulting anybody.
I'm being insulted.
Oh, baloney! What's keeping everybody? The turkey's right outside! Don't you dare touch Herman! Who's Herman? Now, hold on.
I want my money! Hold on.
Quiet down, everybody! Oh, never mind.
Seems to me that Thanksgiving is a mighty poor time for folks to be yelling and arguing at one another.
I realize we got a whole heap of misunderstandings to sort out, and I think we all ought to sit down and start sorting them out.
Granny, this is mighty fine Thanksgiving vittles.
Best-tasting fish I ever ate.
What'd you say this was called again, Chief? Gefilte fish.
My mother fixed it.
By dingies, you Indians sure do know how to cook.
That's a fact, Granny.
That there chicken soup was the best ever.
Everything is delicious.
Marvelous dinner.
Herman and me sure like it, don't we, Herman? By the way, Mr.
Clampett, do you know you're eating on a billiard table? Yes, sir, I do.
And next year, we gonna have us one of them rascals for Thanksgiving.
I still say I ain't a-gonna cook it.
Well, now it's time to say good-bye To Jed and all his kin And they would like to thank you folks Fer kindly droppin' in You're all invited back next week to this locality To have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality Hillbilly, that is Set a spell Take your shoes off Y'all come back now, y'hear? This has been a Filmways Presentation.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode