The Venture Bros (2003) s02e08 Episode Script

Hello
Dr. Orpheus and team.
You have been approved for your very own
Guild-certified Supervillain.
Here at the Guild of Calamitous Intent
your nemesis is our business.
But don't take our word on it,
right, Sovereign?
That's right, Ward. Since 1910
the Guild has been providing
first-rate professional menace
to all who qualify.
1910!
That's a history you can trust.
The Guild is the recognized leader
in organized havoc.
Just look at these numbers!
Those are some
impressive figures, Sovereign.
Why would a hero
look anywhere else for a villain?
Hold on a minute, Ward.
Why doesn't
Dr. Orpheus and team
just get his own costumed enemy?
Oh, watch.
Will you ever learn?
I think this little film
may help you understand.
Pumpkin
who delivered this?
Some guy in a winter coat
and Techno goggles.
Only he had, like, pipes coming out of him.
- Why, is the movie busted or something?
- No. It's just that
If it's "splash," I put
it on your Netflix list.
No, no, no. It's not that. "Splash?"
- I just wanted to see it again.
- Why would you want? Hold on.
Your scheduled screening
will take place at the time specified
and thank you for selecting
the Guild of Calamitous Intent
as the instrument of your demise.
"Team"? "Lair"? I don't have
Today? Today?!
Cool beans. What is it?
It's a walking eye, Hank,
and the Government loves them.
- What does it do?
- I don't know.
Walking-eye stuff, whatever.
This isn't rocket science.
It could be considered
a branch of rocket science.
- Camera in the eye?
- Completely.
- So, it shoots lasers and stuff?
- Daddy's little man.
Probably a bucket
comes down for, like, water
or even, like, monkeys
that could totally drive it.
Thank you, Hank. Way to go.
I guess it would be good
for stealth reconnaissance.
Well, of course it would be good
for reconnaissance applications.
- Well, what does it do?
- Walking eye! Lt Well
It has a camera, iris-mounted lasers,
monkeyproof welding
and silent stealth design that makes it
perfect for reconnaissance applications.
- You got that from us!
- Walking eye, Hank!
They're all the same.
I have it written down from yesterday.
What was that?
We've got a massive breach
at the main gates.
Of course! That is a walking eye.
Will you do something about it
or do you want to finish
your Tetris game first?
Do something? Yeah.
I'm opening the secondary gates.
What the?
It's like hell on earth out there.
Yo, check it!
That car is totally shaped like a dragon.
- Choppers!
- Guild wasps.
I got to go deal with this.
They're landing in my herb garden.
- Time to die, Jefferson Twilight.
- Sorry, man.
I just dropped off my laundry today.
Maybe we can do this next week.
It won't hurt a bit.
I recall the process
as being quite unpleasant
but it's getting hard to remember.
It's been a while.
Two hundred years.
Dude, this is gonna
Man, this is gonna
wicked, like, really hurt.
- Please don't!
- Need them for my necklace.
You want me to wait till
after I take your head off?
Told you.
I haven't talked to you in, like, 16 years.
You suddenly show up and rescue my
What gives? You rescued my situation.
That was a coincidence, dear friend.
I am here to extend an offer
from the Guild of Calamitous Intent.
Get out. Approval?
A name-brand archenemy?
That took long enough,
but this is so
That is
But, man, you had a kid
got married, and got into that
"Balancing good and evil" crap.
My wife left me,
my daughter has a driver's license
and keeping the cosmos from chaos
lacks so much of the razzle-dazzle.
My peers perceive me as a layabout.
No, man. You have a secret identity.
That's classic comic stuff.
You're like Captain
You're all Aquaman.
Aquaman doesn't have
a secret identity.
- He's always Aquaman.
- OK. Bad example.
Nobody believes
that Aquaman is a stay-at-home dad.
Everybody knows
what Aquaman does.
I don't know what Aquaman does.
Doesn't he, like, protect
some lame, fake-ass kingdom?
I thought he fought Black Manta.
Come on!
Why won't he just die?
You got to remove his head,
but I get the teeth.
Dude, I was about to kill you!
I have dangerous catlike reflexes.
Oh, yeah. You were terrifying
when you crapped your pants.
What do you got there?
This, my friend, is our future.
Check it out.
Second-class arching license
and reassignment pass.
You're 6 feet and 135 pounds?
- Nobody reads it. You just flash it.
- You're joking.
- You would suck at arching on your own.
- That's why I made you one.
You can't say no till I show you
the piece de résistance.
Here's a hint.
Flying chick magnet.
Let me think about th
No! I almost die every day
doing this job.
Come on. You got to.
You're telling me we can't do
this better than The Monarch?
Yes! Exactly that.
Do you have any idea
how ruthless The Monarch is?
I don't blame you for desiring me.
The Monarch is delicious. Now say it!
- I need my King Butterfly.
- Deeper.
- I need my
- Deeper.
- I need
- No. Deeper.
butterfly.
- Deeper, way deeper.
- Butterfly.
- Deeper.
- King
- Deeper.
butterfly.
- It's deeper.
I need my butterfly.
King Butterfly!
- I need my King
- Deeper.
Deeper than that. Way deeper.
So, you share a lair with Dr. Orpheus?
- Hardly. He rents an apartment from me.
- I can't believe that we are standing
in the same conference room
the Treaty of Tolerance was signed in.
Yes. So cool.
Your father is a legend at the Guild.
Yeah. Legend.
He's responsible
for stealing my father's leg.
Don't start me!
The real Dr. Venture
is why I got into this business.
Just keep the nuts away from my lab
because I have some pretty
impressive things going on in there.
No. Shut up.
Yeah. We'll do our best
to keep him away from your
- Impressive.
- Yeah. Impressive stuff.
You better.
Where's Mr. Magic?
How come the prom queen
isn't here to crown his king?
- He's astral-projecting, I think.
- Showoff.
- To assemble his team.
- A team?
You mean, he was approved
as a team? What a wuss!
Jealous.
The Alchemist, I presume.
Byron Orpheus,
you old bag of salt crackers!
- How long has it been?
- Too long, my friend.
Let me in. I can't astral-project
because I'm not magic.
Knew it. Still all on that stool
and looking for the Philosopher's Stone.
I see that, right there.
The Philosopher's Stone
is a metaphor for enlightenment.
So, in a way, yes,
I am searching for it.
In the cure for AIDS.
Noble. Now I feel
a little stupid for asking you this.
So you're still you know.
Nah, I grew out of that.
Yeah, you know
It was just a phase, and I
- No. Of course I am. Hello?
- Hey, just asking.
We're thinking of reforming
the Order of the Triad!
I we have been approved
for an archvillain.
Great! I'm in.
- But what of your most important work?
- I need the publicity.
You know, nothing gets the people
in your corner like that hero crap.
- See?
- What? I'm here, aren't I?
Plus, I could use the exercise.
I don't know about you guys,
but I'm getting a little paunchy.
Tell me about it.
At least you have a robe to hide it.
Oh, come on.
Black is slimming. No. No.
I mean, black clothing is slimming.
You gentlemen
should switch to pinstripes.
It leads the eye down.
Hank, I need to speak
to your brother alone.
- You told us we can't leave our room.
- Go sit in the bathroom.
- And do what?
- Wash your face or something.
You don't take care of your pimples
you'll end up like F. Murray Abraham
or Edward Olmos.
Do you want to look like somebody
made your face out of a beige orange peel?
All right, Dean. I need to talk
about a few things with you.
- Hank did it.
- Not that.
Dr. Orpheus asked me
to watch his daughter
which your father can't do
because he doesn't care to.
So, I want you and Hank
to entertain her today.
Triana? So you want us
to put on a show for her?
Should we write a script,
or do something she knows?
- Oh, my goodness. We need costumes!
- I thought you would react this way.
Now sit down and
let me explain something
that every boy your age has known
for, like, five years.
And there she is. You can see her right
there writhing on the hood of the car.
- What was David Coverdale to do?
- Break up White Lion?
That's Whitesnake,
Dean, and yes.
Both Brock and I lay the blame squarely
on Tawny's hot, silky shoulders.
Now, let that be a lesson to you.
- About what?
- I'm so glad we had this talk.
Are those what I think they are?
Only if you think they're jet packs
because those are jet packs.
- Where'd you get those?
- Spoils of war, my friend.
Yeah. Sergeant Hatred's, I think.
Please tell me you
filed them with Supplies.
Oh, my God, when did you
become such a dainty little flower?
When the idiot I work with
forged documents and stole jet packs!
Look. You telling me you don't want
to fly into some chick's window
all super cool with, like,
a three-day beard and a jet pack?
- Granted, that is kind of sweet.
- It is so sweet.
- We'll need costumes.
- Got them, and they are so leather.
I'll be totally flying
into some hot chick's bedroom.
Totally, and she'd be dating the good guy,
and I'll come in, and I'll be all
"I'll spare his life
but only for you, sugar pants."
Dude, and then
you will have sex!
You will be having sex. Sex!
Get out of my sight.
The money is on the bed stand.
- You'll find its amount generous.
- Thanks, sugar.
Can you give me directions
to Liberty Street?
Listen and listen well!
The road before you
is beset with many perils.
Every turn you make
will bring you closer
to the cold,
waiting hands of sister fate.
Or just the center of town?
Do you have a pen?
- Maybe I should
- Bear me, Theseus
for I am the mighty Minotaur!
This cocoon
has witnessed your sins
and she seeks vengeance.
The cocoon
will punish the wicked.
The cocoon
will reward the righteous.
You must escape from her grasp.
You must earn your freedom!
Dude, I really don't have time.
How much do you want to live?
Looks like we're up
for the same arch.
- I'm the Intangible Fancy.
- Torrid.
Fire theme. Lucky duck.
Lots of costume options
with a fire theme.
Guys like me,
we can't even wear costumes.
Do you have?
Genitals? Not anymore.
- Why, isn't that Dr. Venture's lab?
- Yes. I believe it is.
Save my place in the queue.
There's something I feel I must do.
Something torrid.
Well, we'll keep
your resume on file
and we'll get back to you.
OK. Thanks for your time.
Wait. I have a question. What?
What is that on your head?
- That like a rudder?
- Yeah. Right.
What, do you steer with your head
or something? That's just dumb.
Comes out like easy cheese.
Got to get back
on the benzoyl-peroxide train.
Don't bother to knock or anything.
Bloody hell!
Dean!
Dude, you said
you had leather costumes.
The pads are leather.
Leatherlike.
Where did you get these things
and why is there a bowl on my helmet?
Yeah. I was on Family Double Dare
Totally swiped it.
Yeah. Well, that makes me
feel better about all the stains.
Yeah. That's gak.
You know, physical challenge?
- All right. Let's do this. Ready?
- Thank God!
A guy can only wear a jet pack
for so long without using it.
Dude! My shoe's on fire!
I just lit my shoes on fire!
Wait up!
It's not working!
Hold on! Time!
Yes. I only hunt Blackulas.
So you only hunt
African-American vampires.
No. Sometimes
I hunt British vampires.
They don't have
African-Americans in England.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Good point.
- So I hunt Blackulas.
- I was just trying to be
I specialize in hunting black vampires.
I don't know what the PC name for that is.
Is that a mask?
Oh, my God,
I was just gonna ask that!
What a fascinating puritan you are,
Lady Windermere.
The adjective was unnecessary,
Lord Darlington.
I couldn't help it.
I can resist everything
except temptation.
You have the modern
affectation of weakness.
It's only an affectation,
Lady Win Winder Windermere.
Hank, come on.
Enter the Duchess of Berwick!
I'm in the bathroom,
and you got to get in here.
It smells like gunpowder
throw-up poo-poo eggs.
Oh, that's my exit.
Dean, you owe me one.
Triana, you feel like playing
Lord whatever-the-hell?
No, not really.
Brock, you can't go.
You're also Lady Agatha.
No, Dean. For serious,
come smell this already!
OK, Curse.
Was it Curse or Chris?
Curse. We can use magic, right?
That's kind of my bag.
- Of course.
- Absolutely.
- Bring it on.
- Magic is a plus.
On three, we give him
the old Rochambeau.
Rock, paper, scissors?
What does a General from the American
Revolution have to do with this?
American Revolution?
"Rochambeau" sounds French to me.
Well, yes.
The Franco-American forces
They fought with SpaghettiOs
and meatballs?
Why would a company called
"Franco-American" make Italian food?
Dijnam stopeus.
O spiritus sancti.
Yeah.
OK, gentlemen.
That ruled.
- Was that the Rochambeau?
- No.
It really should be!
But which door to choose?
That one could have fun, surprises, and a
year's supply of turtle wax behind it.
Or the polar bear from Lost.
Probably not the best idea, Doc.
You said everything
is running itself over there.
Don't you remember telling me
that nobody cares about my walking eye?
Well, I didn't mean
for you to take it outside.
- Needs air.
- All right. Watch your head.
What's up with your outfit?
Did you have an away game?
Helping Dean put on the worst version
of Lady Windermere"s Fan
to impress Triana.
Said it was your idea.
Hardly. I was trying to tell him
about the birds and the bees.
Yeah. How did that work out for you?
He staged Lady Windermere's Fan.
You should see a doctor! It smells like
you pounded garbage into your butt.
Knock it off!
We have a mystery in our bathroom.
Query. Can flames
come out of a toilet?
- Hank, if you did this
- I didn't.
Dude, if I did this, I would tell you.
I would be, like, almost proud of this.
You guys have been
in there for, like, an hour.
What are you doing in th
Hank, what is wrong with you?
Right? It smells like
a Bible story in here.
Did my grandpa teach you to crap?
We should get Brock.
Every time there's
a super cool mystery to solve
you go get a grownup. Lame!
Thank you, Brock.
Thanks for helping me
with the walking eye.
Look at this walking eye.
It's filthy.
Guess I should wash off my
walking eye.
- Well, just retrace your steps.
- Yeah. Retrace your
Man, she is good.
I was standing out here
and I think somebody
was on the toilet.
Then I opened the door.
- I killed your girlfriend!
- She's my girlfriend?
Probably, before I killed her.
Why is he doing this?
"Down, still unceasingly,
still inevitably down!
"Still I quivered in every nerve
"to think how slight
a sinking of the machinery
"would precipitate the keen,
glistening axe upon my bosom."
I could chase that around. Oh, yeah.
Team of three, impressive resume,
you seem perfect.
But I can't stop thinking
that I know you, Miss
- Au Pair. It's Lady Au Pair.
- Goodness Gracious.
- Oh, my
- Feminine.
And these are my Murderous Moppets
and you don't know me.
That's a voice! Do you smoke
cigarettes or do you eat them?
Oh, forget it. All right. I'm
Good-bye.
Anybody want a moppet?
- We have to get Dr. O.
- Yeah. Good plan.
"Oh, hey, 'sup, Dr. O?
So, yeah, we accidentally killed Triana."
Come on, Dean.
We have to do this.
You're right.
List our clues again.
One, goth chick
catches fire and disappears.
Two, no smoldering body beating
"kill me, kill me" in Morse code
with what is left of her head.
- Stop it!
Three, the smell of a dumpster
full of burning diapers.
- And four
- Wait a minute.
Run the shower and only the hot.
- Just as I thought!
- You're a genius.
- It's Triana's handwriting.
- How can you tell?
She dotted her "i" with a big circle.
That's a total chick move.
It says, "I'm in the torrid zone.
Tell my feather."
We have to find her feather!
Give it up already.
You could take a bus.
Dude, Jet Boy and Jet Girl
do not take buses.
Last time, we are not
Jet Boy and Jet Girl.
I don't care if I get to be Jet Boy.
Those names suck.
But it's a French song,
street cred with the indie crowd.
The Damned do a cover of it.
Then we should be The Damned.
That is a way cooler name.
You may sit down,
if you would be more comfort
I shall stand.
Sitting is for the weak and feeble.
I like this guy.
He's all full of
- What? I feel like standing.
full of beans
- I happen to have back pain.
and ants, fire ants.
So, what kind of menace do you think
you could offer the Order of the Triad?
- I've kidnapped your daughter.
- Balls, brass balls.
You kidnapped my pumpkin!
- We have a winner.
- The guy is not even a Blackula.
Right. That eye
is crawling with villains.
Yeah. They gave up on Orpheus
and his little kaffeeklatsch.
Oh, they know a real archrival
when they see one.
- You want a sandwich?
- No. I ate already.
You want me to rescue it
or something, pull them off it?
There's Guild Security out there
shooting foam at them.
Between you and me,
the stupid thing hardly worked, anyway.
But when word of this gets out,
business will pick right up.
Well, I'm gonna go out there
and get some of that action.
- Don't you want to change?
- No way.
I love wearing a tux when I kill guys.
Makes you kind of feel like James Bond.
So, who's the lucky winner?
A fetid little firebrand
named Torrid.
Yeah. The son of a bitch kidnapped
his daughter to the torrid zone.
Torrid zone. So butch!
- I solved that mystery.
- Yes, you did.
You see, the torrid zone
is merely the area between
the Tropic of Cancer
and the Tropic of Capricorn.
I own an island there
in the Great Barrier Reef.
So, Triana is safe
on Orpheus Island
sunning herself in a bikini
and oiling her ski
her skin down in her bikini.
Dude, what the?
What are you doing up there?
OK. Time to get off my shoulders.
I just want to commend you
on accepting Hank for who he really is.
Let's show Mr. Venture our thing.
The Order of the Triad, go!
Get out of my kitchen.
We can still do this, Jet Boy.
I can't hear you
because I hate you.
You coming, Jet Girl?
No! No! Not again!
I can't believe that
whore stole my stanza.
I can't believe that whore
made it through the Lake of Acid.
Ça c'est une bonne soupe/