The Venture Bros (2003) s02e09 Episode Script

Guess Who's Coming To State Dinner

Mayday! Mayday! We have broken orbit! Repeat: Gargantua-1 has broken orbit! We've lost stabilizers! Retrorockets are offline and all failsafes have failed! Houston, do you copy?! We're done for, Anna.
Make peace with your higher power.
There is one thing we could try.
Anna! What are you doing?! Restrain yourself! Look at that! Clamoring for a piece of that big phony.
- That should be me up there.
- Really? - Why is that exactly? - Is that supposed to be a joke? Whose space station just saved the world? Manstrong's? No, mine.
He was just along for the ride.
They might as well give a medal to the seats while they're pinning one on Luck Rogers.
Luck Rogers? Do you like that? I almost said Flash-In-the-Pan Gordon.
- Glad you didn't.
- No pictures, son.
Aw, gyp! Yeah! Join the bush club.
- Samson.
- Houser.
What's the matter? Couldn't hack field work anymore so they made you White House hall monitor? You listen to me, and you listen to me great, Samson.
You may be a OSI, but here, at the White House you're just another civilian.
And I got my eyes on you.
Both of you.
- Friend of yours? - We were in 'Nam together.
Wait! You were, like, ten during Vietnam.
I didn't say during the war.
There I was grappling with the controls of the proud and mighty grande dame of the stars as she burned up on re-entry.
Let him have his moment.
I'll have my turn, as soon as the President gets a load of a certain little something something I just happened to bring along.
Tell me you didn't bring that thing with you.
Do you hate these things as much as I do? Bunch of back-patting phonies! At least the wine is decent.
Keep it coming, honey! And the next thing I knew I was waking up in an army hospital in Iranistan.
Really? And that's all you remember about the whole darned thing? Unfortunately, yes.
I suppose it was that nasty bump on the head I took in the crash.
Manstrong? Colonel Bud Manstrong, can you hear me? He's coming out of it.
The procedure was a success.
- What about the chip? - It's not going anywhere.
- Who's your friend over here? - That's Brock Samson.
- But he is no friend of mine.
- Too bad.
Remember when I called to tell you I'd been accosted on Gargantua-1? Of course I do! Oh, the tears! The sniffling! Yes, well - He's the fellow who did it.
- Him?! So, why'd you beat my little boy up and steal his girlfriend, blondie? - Oh, mother.
- Don't say too much, do you? Well, that's OK.
I like the strong and silent type.
Ladies and gentlemen, a toast to Colonel Bud Manstrong.
A man of bravery, integrity, and indomitable spirit Oh, quit blowing smoke up the boy's ass, Breyer.
We all know the real reason Bud's here.
Your administration's in the crapper, and you need Mrs.
Manstrong's little boyscout on the team to polish that turd.
To Bud! Mother! You can't talk to the President like that.
Well, I didn't vote for him! Listen, you just keep smiling, and let your mother deal with the politics.
He's embarrassed by his mother.
I breast-fed this one till he lost his baby teeth and he's embarrassed by me? Oh, mother! Prudish! Takes after his father, the late Senator, God rest his soul.
Man couldn't find a G-spot without a Senate Subcommittee.
- Oh, mother! - Say, Bud! Or is it Budly? Budward? What's Bud short for? Nothing.
It's just Bud.
Yeah? Seeing as how you're all tight with the big guy because you broke my space station I was wondering, if maybe, you might put in a good word for me.
Why don't you stop bothering my son, you awful little nobody! Vultures, Buddy! Everyone's gonna want a piece of you now but you don't give 'em a thing.
- Are you listening to me?! - Yes, mother.
Colonel Bud Manstrong listen to your mother! Yes, mother.
So, then the teacher said, "Johnny Deeper!" and so he stuck it in deeper! What?! Seriously, lady! Knock it off! I'm not into it! Smooth.
Well, perhaps we should call it a night, eh, folks? Thank y'all for coming, and please, let's let's have another round of applause for the good Colonel.
Come on.
Hands together.
You, too.
Why don't you come see me privately in the Oval Office? You boys better come with me.
But Johnny Deeper! I'm terribly sorry, sir.
Mother is headstrong.
She speaks her mind and one has no choice but to listen.
Now don't you sweat it, Colonel Hangdog.
Your mother's right.
My administration's up to its ass in scandal.
Hell, my VP is under indictment.
Anyways, I'm up for re-election in November.
And I don't have a Chinaman's chance unless I find me a squeaky-clean running mate.
Good luck in this town, though.
Cigar? Well, I don't usually partake, but Shucks! I'm not in an oxygen-rich environment anymore! And how can one decline an offer from the President of these United States? Wait.
Not that one.
I'm glad you feel that way, Bud 'cause I've got a proposition for you.
How'd you like to be Vice President? Me?! Hell, yeah, you! Who'd you think I'm talking about? You're a genuine hero, boy.
The Bureau can't find a damn thing on you and, plus, you're a little bit of the eye candy for the ladies.
Speaking of which - Take your pick.
- I'm not sure I follow you, sir.
Any of my secretarial staff.
Except the one in the blue dress that smells like this.
Dear Lord! That Phyllis' got my name written all over her! Literally! I once wrote my name on the front of her dress with the tip of my Oh, no! I'm not hearing this! I'm not hearing this! Good evening, sir! Cass? I'll take that blowjob now.
Now, you boys get yourselves some sleep and don't you worry about a thing.
I'm just gonna get some club soda on these here stains before they set.
All your troubles be over.
I don't think club soda can fix my problem.
Little club soda get out most anything.
- Wait! Don't leave! - Dude, what is your damage? I saw something.
I think this place is haunted.
You're just being superstitious.
I am not! Just extra-stitious.
There's something wiggy going on.
I can feel it.
It's like like we're being watched.
Yeah, well Lincoln bedroom is secure.
Slow down, Buddy.
- Tell mama what happened.
- He was horrible, mother! That drooling, foul-mouthed, pervert of a man And crude! He said the most disgraceful, ribaldrous things.
Yeah, yeah.
Did he offer you Vice President? He did! And I told him he could just take that job and he could he could stick he could take it and he could stick the job in I ran away! Then get back in there and tell him you changed your mind.
You want me to come with you and show you how? Like when mama held your pee-pee and taught you how to make your sisses? But, mother, you said not to give anyone anything.
Without getting something in return, Buddy.
You gotta make him pay, Buddy! But I don't want Colonel Bud Manstrong, listen to your mother.
You will go back in there and take this job because it will put you next to the most powerful man in the world.
Now, be a man and do what has to be done! Oh, come on, Brock.
Just buy me five minutes.
I've been practicing my pitch all week.
You just have no clue, do you? These aren't a bunch of fake pirates or dinks in rubber butterfly suits, Doc.
We're talking about the United States Secret Service.
We'll both be off the hook when he feasts his eyes on what I have to offer.
This thing sells itself.
If it doesn't, I can't afford to pay you this month.
- You don't pay me.
- Why do you keep looking around? You're really afraid of that Houser guy, aren't you? No.
Manstrong's mom.
She's got a few drinks in her and she tried to free Nelson Mandela under the table.
Say OK, plan B.
You throw the old broad a mercy lay and in exchange she sweet-talks the President for me.
Nice scene you made at dinner, Samson.
Don't ever embarrass the President like that again.
I don't think the agency could possibly demote you any lower than they already have.
But I hear there's an opening in the mail room.
Helsinki branch.
I gotta take I got a call.
I gotta take this.
You know what, Doc? - You're on.
- Really? Plan A or plan B? Venture brothers! You must help me! Colonel Manstrong is going to assassinate the President! Hank, wake up! It's the ghost of Abraham Lincoln! Who? Mr.
President my boy had a little crisis of conscience earlier.
But well Just do it, Buddy.
President Oh, my God! Hello, Dr.
If I could have a moment of your time, I have something amazing to show you! Security breach! Security breach! Damn it! Houser, where are you?! Thank God! Arrest this ma Hey, you're not my guy.
Got about a minute, Doc.
Make it count.
Hear me out, your Excellency! If you're anything like me then you're super concerned about security.
Because in these uncertain times, what could be more important than the safety of your family, your home your country, and your troops on the battlefield? Down in front, stick! We were talking here! Allow me to formally make your acquaintance with the Venture Dome, the world's first fully portable battery-powered, invisible force field.
Gun! A microchip! Microchip! It's in the back of his head.
His mother is using it to control him and she's going to make him assassinate the President! It just sounds a little far-fetched.
Thank you.
I'm glad you said it.
What? Didn't either of you see The Manchurian Candidate? Not even the remake with Denzel? Come on! I've been dead for seven score years and even - Who is this guy? - Abraham Lincoln! 16th President of the United States! Come on! You're kidding me! Yeah, didn't you learn anything in bed? All right.
All right, how about this? I'm the $5.
00 bill guy.
You invented the $5.
00 bill? Yes, Hank.
Yes, I did.
Dean, you seem a little more on the ball here.
- Help me stop Manstrong.
- Why do you need us? Because I'm immaterial.
Look at this.
It's a no-go.
I need to possess one of your bodies just for a little while till I can stop him.
Will one of you do that for me? - For the Union? - Not it! One, two, three nine, ten.
Jinx! You owe me a coke! You are in for a world of suck, mister.
Why are you men lollygagging?! - Lock this jackass up! - They can't hear you.
- What the Sam-crazy - It's a force field.
- Of my own design.
- All right, turn it off, smart face.
- You smashed the remote.
- Well, unplug it then.
What am I, an amateur? It's battery-powered.
- Excellent for armies in the field.
- All in a package this small? - Stand back, sir.
- I wouldn't do that.
- They're nuclear batteries.
- Nucular? That's not actually a word, but, yes! All right, people, we got a situation here.
I'm gonna need troops Not gonna work either.
Jams radios, phones, intercoms Only on the deluxe model, of course.
So, how the hell are we supposed to get out of here? Well, it'll run out of juice on it's own in about What's the half-life on cobalt again? - 5.
24 years.
- 5.
24 years.
Give or take.
Yes, yes.
Of course, General.
You can count on me.
Sorry, hon.
Gotta work tonight.
National emergency.
Little man need Ned help? - Ned protect little man.
- No, no, Ned.
Thank you.
- I won't be in any danger.
- Ned love little man! OK! A little too tight, Ned! Ned give little man the brain vein.
It's OK, Ned.
You ready, Captain? Gassed up and on the runway, Chairman.
Don't wait up, hon.
Dude! What the dilly?! Did it work? What happened? Honest Abe's a mo, that's what happened! Sorry! Sorry! What came over me? I was just a bit overwhelming having a body again.
All those hormones! All right.
Just let me try this again.
I'm ready for it this time.
- Who's Triana, by the way? - Just get in.
- And no funny business.
- Yes, already.
Like you boys never experimented.
Dean! There.
You're safe now, sir.
- I've secured a perimeter.
- That's great, Houser.
You hear that, people? Nobody crosses this line.
You think you could maybe not smoke in here? - Fine.
- Thank you.
It's still going.
Now the other one's caught.
Nice one.
Everything you touch turns to suck.
It's official.
Oh, no! They called my brother? Could this be any more embarrassing? Yeah, all right, hi.
I see you.
Go to hell.
Well, Doc, can you break it down or what? Well, I could try to generate an artificial Einstein-Rosen bridge but I can't guarantee we wouldn't be sucked into another dimension.
Well! Hey, there, nephew! What are you doing? That little bastard! How'd he do that? - Gotta go.
- What are you trying to do, Dean? We're helping our new ghost pal.
Ain't that something! I wish my boy had that kind of creativity.
Colonel Manstrong's going to assassinate the President! It's not really his fault though.
His mom's controlling him.
Don't give me that psycho-babble, son.
After a certain age a man needs to take responsibility for his own actions.
- OK.
- Sure! Maybe if I had hugged my thick-headed son more he wouldn't have started them fires or stolen all that lacrosse equipment but, damn it, sometimes they're just bad apples.
Damnation! Force field! I didn't see that one coming.
Sorry, Dean.
New plan.
Well, you just KO'ed Uncle Sam.
Why can't you just do that to an astronaut and his mom? That's not Uncle Sam, it's me! Couldn't lay a glove on it if it weren't.
I can only move things in the material world that bear my image.
Wait! That penny in your pocket, Dean.
I was able to get that through the force field.
That's it! We build a gun made out of pennies! Exactly! Wait, no! That's insane.
But I have another idea.
Boys, I need $5.
00 bills.
Scores of them! Ten score at least.
How are we gonna find that many? How, how? What are you, an owl? He can make them with his magic.
For the last time, Hank, I'm a ghost, not a genie.
You two must find a way! Wait! Does it matter if it's the new fives or the old ones? I prefer the new ones.
But whatever! Go, go! Score! Thank you, Ambassador Mumbattu.
Well, I promised my wife and Jesus I wouldn't anymore.
But things being as they are, well Thank you, no, sir.
I'm on duty.
- Perimeter! - Do something.
Am I the only one that cares about Am I the only one that cares about perimeters? 'Cause I'm starting to think I am.
And I don't and I don't like it.
Mother's had a bit too much already.
- How about you? - I don't drink.
- I'm sorry.
- For what? Lieutenant Baldavich.
I didn't know she was your girlfriend.
That wasn't cool.
Samson Gargantua-1 was an orbiting metal Eden until you sullied it with your Brando-esque sensuality and your non-regulation apparel.
Sorry doesn't quite make up for deflowering my Eve.
Come on.
Enough with the boyscout act.
You two were alone on that thing for years.
Now, don't tell me you never hit that.
What?! I never struck her! How dare you even imply that I did! I loved her! This ain't good.
Now, he was a real President.
I loved to watch him sleep.
Weight of the world on his little polio shoulders.
The Depression, World War II.
He slept like a baby.
Now, that is a clear conscience.
This Breyer guy, though, he's the worst President I've ever seen.
Then why am I wasting my time with this? Honestly? I'm kind of hoping to earn my wings on this deal.
So, we're not just saving the President.
- We're saving you, too! - My Lincoln sense is tingling! Manstrong's making his move! Hurry, boys! Svengali! No, no! Look, this is not what it looks like.
First Anna, now my mother?! Have you no shame, you You mandingo! OK, get up! We're doing this! You and me, Samson, right now! Let's go! Come on, man.
You know I'm just gonna beat you stupid.
- I've done it before.
- With a sucker punch.
This time, school-yard rules.
No cheap shots.
This is ridiculous.
Your mother just No mothers! What?! Here comes the Rail Splitter! What the hell's going on now?! What? Did my brother make that? Mr.
President, this man's an assassin programmed to kill you! There's a microchip in his brain.
Look! Perimeter, sir! Perimeter! Damn it! Not again! Stop bothering my son! Did I graze you, Niblets? You did it, boys.
You saved the President.
Go, Team Venture! You're supposed to be a doctor.
Is my Buddy gonna be OK? Wait a minute.
I recognize this.
It's a Venture industries microchip.
Hang on a sec.
It's the mother board from Gargantua-1.
Anna! What are you doing?! Restrain yourself! If we are going to die I want to go out with a bang, as they say.
I knew it! Told you this clown was no hero! He just blacked out in the middle of a hand-job.
Someone's playing with his Lincoln logs.
Oh, my God! It's full of stars! Penny for his thoughts.
You're still here.
Shouldn't you have crossed over? Apparently, stopping my bodyguard from beating up a repressed masturbator isn't enough to get you into heaven these days.
Go figure.
You're one to judge, Rusty.
I seem to remember a certain fast-handed little redhead sleeping in the Lincoln bedroom a score and a half years back.
- All right.
- Not that you did much sleeping.
I never would have thought that.
Don't know why you people gotta complicate everything.
I told y'all, a little club soda fix most everything.
That's good chowder!
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