The Venture Bros (2003) s02e10 Episode Script

I Know Why The Caged Bird Kills

1 Joe, I'm gonna need three copies of this.
- You want me to go out there and do that? - Check out this site.
Go ahead.
Where is he?! - Where is Venture? - Venture? Dude, no, stop! There's been a mistake! What now? This isn't the secret Venture compound.
It's your accountant's office.
What? Are you kidding? That was, like, my best entrance ever! It was excellent.
- Very impressive.
- This sucks! Wrong address.
Wrong address.
Everybody back in the cocoon.
- Should we - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Take the pens and the Post-its and some, copy paper.
You always need copy paper.
And get that security tape! I want a Quicktime of my minty-fresh entrance posted on my homepage by tomorrow! Who's a pretty pussy cat? Who's a pretty, pretty pussy cat? Yes.
You are.
No, no! Just calm Don't! OK, fine, go! Just go! Mr.
Venture, you're back.
How was Japan? Fan-freaking-tastic.
How'd you know? - Call it a hunch.
- Is that what you call it? No.
I call it an Oni.
Actually, a Japanese demon.
So you can see it.
Thank you! Brock said it was the diet pills.
Can you get rid of it? Yes, yes.
I have just the stuff! These Oni are usually after some form of retribution.
So what did you do? Violate a sacred temple? No.
Let me guess.
You relieved yourself in someone's zen garden.
Here we are! One demon extraction coming right up! What the hell? - Wily one, this demon of yours.
- Damn it! Perhaps we should have snuck up on it.
It was perfectly content to just tag along until you pissed it off.
Surprise! You don't know what the hell you're doing.
The Tempest Tongs should have worked.
I must consult a higher power! Wait here while I go to my daughter's closet.
I've reviewed the video of the attack on Venture.
What happened? Why did we suck? How can we not suck in the future? One answer pops up every time.
21? Gentlemen, I give you the Peda-Blade! Two razor-sharp blades menacingly attached to not the end of a skinny arm but the end of a long, fat leg giving us both the reach and the edge or should I say two edges? But we raided the wrong address! We need real planning, not What? Figure skates? Look.
I am trying.
This is really tough.
I know I'm not Dr.
Girl - Do not say her name! - Forgive me but zee problem is one of planning, not one of armament.
Zee Monarch already has a dazzling armory.
What he needs is a strategist.
A man of his prestige cannot simply go after an enemy all villy-nilly.
He can't give an enema to free Willy? What? Shut up, 21.
You might learn something from this guy.
What you need is a second in command who understands the intricacies of organized villainy.
- Zis I could offer you.
- Perfect! You're hired, Number? Number Killinger, Dr.
Henry Killinger.
And this is my Magic Murder Bag.
Come on, Deano! You are, like, the worst wheelman ever.
We're actually moving slower than when you were parallel-parking.
Gun it! Look for some jumps! Try to get her up on two wheels! Get something cool going, will you? Don't distract the driver.
- Ten and two, ten and two.
- Hey.
What's that up ahead? I didn't know we got that much traffic inside the compound.
I get it.
I'll bet Brock set this up, you know, to test us.
OK, Mr.
Handbook, so what do we do? We should pull over to the shoulder.
I'll set up the road flares and try to flag down a state trooper.
You see if anyone's been injured.
Wait! K-turn.
Hank! Roll, Hank! Tuck and roll! Protect your limbs! Will you come on? Holy smokes! Hey, lady.
Are you OK? Don't move her! You're not supposed to See? Master?! Master, are you here? I have need of your counsel.
Orpheus, you'll love this.
Check me out.
I'm Catherine the Great's horse to teach you a lesson about biting off more than you can chew.
My partially lovely assistant, Miss Manyface, will play the part of Catherine.
- Hi.
- Enough with the chatter.
Get under there.
Don't wince! Master, far be it from me to question the relevance of your symbolism but I'm fairly certain the whole horse thing was an urban legend.
What do you think? Pretty sweet, huh? - This floor totally lights up.
- If you don't mind me saying you seem to be a tad overstaffed in your control room.
You could reassign Say no more! You're right again, #2.
Him and the dead guy next to him.
This place is all creepy since that mumbly guy just magically showed up.
Totally! And those new Black Guard dicks took the Tekken 3 game out of the lounge! Those guys are wicked spooky.
How unfair is it that they get the cool uniforms? - I'm still wearing an orange jerkin.
- Jerkin One of you little chatter bugs want to pop open the Venture files? Killinger needs to be brought up to speed.
- Yeah.
Those files are classified.
- By whom? By you.
Well, now they're unclassified.
Boys! Where the hell? Boys, come in.
You seen the boys? They were supposed to be practicing for their road test but looks like they forgot the car part.
What are you guys into there? Orpheus is making me follow that magic head thing I told you about.
We're very close to divining its will! He's got you doing it now.
You guys are cute together.
I'm gonna go look for the boys.
Story of my life.
It stopped.
It seems interested in this automobile.
Tell me.
Is it associated with some recent sin of yours? I wish! I can't remember the last time I got lucky in that car.
Unless you count the dollar I found under the seat.
Can't see why the beast would want What are you doing? That wasn't so hard, was it? Problem solved.
No, Mr.
You're still bound to the beast by the gossamer, invisible threads of psychic Mother of God! Help! I suggest we get in and see where it takes us.
What if it wants to go back to Japan? Zee Venture problem is very volatile.
We must approach it with caution but first we need to address our domestic issues.
The floating cocoon is in bad need of The cocoon's fine.
I think the problem is you.
He's right.
Everybody just thinks you're so great, but you're just so not! - Who do you think you are? - Come on.
This guy just waltzes in here with his huge baby-bearing hips and he starts changing everything.
Zat's not fair.
I never chose my build.
I can't believe you guys are falling for this sheep in wolf's clothing.
He's trying to destroy us from the inside.
How can you not see that? Nobody talks to my hot, new #2 like that! Black Guards, bring him to the Chamber of A Thousand Torments! There you may deliver torments 1 through 980.
Killinger, I'm gonna let you do torment 993 'cause you seem to have bigger thumbs than me.
Forgive me, but your methods of discipline may be too Draconian.
Give me a moment along with Mr.
Henchman #24.
I know I can change his mind.
I almost forgot.
My Magic Murder Bag.
We've stopped.
- What is this place? - A cheap motel.
Perhaps it wants us to stay here and rest until morning.
I know what you're doing.
You're trying to get me in the sack! I beg your pardon! No wonder nobody but you can see that head.
How dare? The tights, the jewelry, always tagging along.
"Let me get my big gay cloak, and I'll join you!" - I'm trying to help you! - Help me out of my speedsuit.
Jock Rock my ass! Listen to those lyrics, man.
It's all about love and longing.
Yes, and hobbits, too.
It's a metaphor.
They wrote about a lot of other stuff.
Why am I arguing with a robot? Right up ahead.
Don't think we're done talking about this.
Oh, no.
Thank God.
Myra's back.
Well, isn't this new and different? - Hey, Dean.
- What? - I smell pee-pee.
- Well, what are you looking at me for? Dean, did you get pee-pee scared again? No.
Shut up.
Where are we this time? Hush, little darling, don't say a word Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird OK.
That is creepy.
And if that mockingbird don't sing You're up.
You can relax.
The nightmare is finally over.
No, it isn't.
Hanky, my little, snotty-puggy-dinky.
Dean, Dean, Dean, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean sausages.
You're safe now.
You're with mommy! I have to bring the prisoner his medication.
- Give me the medication.
I'll do it.
- OK, but you have to administer it to him.
It's a suppository.
You know, it's up-the-butt medicine.
Oh, don't knock or anything.
It's not like I live with eighty guys and no women so there is no chance I'm masturbating.
I thought I was rescuing you.
What did he do to you? What's in his Magic Murder Bag? Dude, have you even talked to him? He's great! He's like Mr.
He knows nothing about honor or living by the sword.
- He's not like us.
- What are you talking about? Seriously.
That Killinger guy has brainwashed the whole cocoon.
Man, will you just talk to him already? He's amazing! He cured my herpes.
I bet he could even help you with your problem.
He's already got to you.
Don't touch me! Stay back.
- Stay back, pod-person! - All right.
You're not our mom! - You just can't be! - On account of the crazy.
Search your feelings, boys.
You know it to be true, so true.
Funny how it seems always in time but never in line for dreams.
We're losing her again.
I bought a ticket to the world, but now I've come back again! If you're supposed to be our mom, then why you got us tied up? People only do that when they want to kill us.
Or hold us for ransom.
- Or touch us inappropriately.
- What? When? That never happ Sergeant Hatred? What? Did you block that out? Wait.
You were passed out from the wine.
Most of it was awful.
Trust me.
This is no life for my sweet boys.
I would have never, ever Rusty, why have you forsaken me?! Have I ever told you how mommy and daddy met? Eat web! What are you? Black Guards! He's covered my Magic Murder Bag mit silly string.
You can silence me, but there will be others.
Semper fidelis tyrannosaurus/ It's "Sic semper tyrranis.
" You said, "Always faithful terrible lizard.
" I did? Cool! I've got ice and snacks And here's some Mercurochrome for you road burns.
Sorry about earlier.
I'm probably just still jet-lagged and, you know floating demon head and all.
Apology accepted.
Just stay on your side of the room tiger.
You You want to go halfsies on a skin flick? 'Kay.
You might want to let me go.
Fair warning.
'Cause when I get scared, I get super gassy.
Once I threw up on a kid sitting in front of me in a tilt-a-whirl.
Don't forget when you passed out on The Monarch's cat.
I killed Mr.
Mostly Mittens.
Oh, my God! You're 24! You're still under the hypnospell.
This is for your own good.
Look into my eyes.
You're extremely relaxed and you feel the urge to let me go.
You know in your heart that I will rescue you and save the whole cocoon.
Will you knock it off? I'm just taking you to your room.
And that is what you will tell them.
Your limbs are getting heavy.
So heavy.
Sl Crap! I fell on my cellular pho Sleepy, so sleepy! He was my first job, fresh out of the OSI academy.
I was still just a girl.
What did I know? "Never let your guard down, never let him out of your sight "never fall in love.
" That's what they taught me.
But I couldn't help myself! Your father I spent 24 hours a day with him.
First, there were casual glances the occasional brush of the hand, clever innuendo.
It was inevitable.
Something would happen sooner or later.
Then the pleasure stopped No, no.
It was not ooky! It was the most wonderful, passionate night of either of our lives! And nine months later you two perfect wet, little pink kittens came into the world from out of my body.
Oh, double eww! I just didn't know what else to do.
He's taken over the whole cocoon and you're our last hope.
Oh, this? This is the new Monarch Mobile.
That's how bad it's gotten.
It doesn't even burn nitrous.
It's, like, a family car.
My God! Once he painted wings on it with water-based paint so, when it rained, it dripped off and looked like we tie-dyed it like we took it to Magic Mountain and did that spin-art thing on it.
- You remember spin-art? - Yes, I remember spin-art.
- Spin-art was so cool.
- Just drive.
Thanks, buddy.
You ain't much in a fight, but you're good at rescue and recovery.
Yeah, I thought she was gone for good after the last time too but some crazy people won't stay locked up, you know what I mean? That's beautiful, H.
What was that, Shel Silverstein? Well, I don't think Maya Angelou was talking about this chick.
She's as deadly as they come and if she hurts those boys again, I'll take her down permanently this time.
No, not Maya Angelou.
Just keep scanning those tire tracks with your infrared, OK? OK, OK! I'm up damn it! Your father had me locked away, locked me away, away so he could have you all to himself, so he could fill you with his lies! He never once told you about me, has he? Not in all your 19 years! - We're 16.
- You see? See what, crazy lady? Make sense! He's brainwashed you with those lie machines he makes you sleep in.
That's why I had to kidnap you.
To save you! And here are your brothers and sisters.
They're hungry.
Oh, my babies! You must be starved, too.
Let mama feed you, my thirsty babies.
Let mama love you! May I help you? Isn't it a big early for a costume party? Why, you throwing one, Dracula? My friend and I would like to check out.
I feel the spirit Mr.
Venture! I could use some assistance! I can't believe I'm hanging out with you.
I always thought we'd get along.
You were kind of distant, which is cool, you know.
That's fine.
You know what rules? That outfit rules.
Dude, I just copped an accidental feel.
Wicked sorry.
- What are you doing? That's alarmed.
- Yes.
I know.
I'm the one who installed it.
Now, shut up and follow my lead.
So you as good at fighting as you are at talking? Hell, no.
Look at me! I'm more of a weapons expert.
That is so excellent.
I like to do that, too.
It's soft.
Do not follow me.
Just stay here and do whatever.
I am totally falling for her.
Thank the maker! I've been holding that back for, like, two hours.
Safety first.
Bukley buck buck.
- Daddy! - Hello, boys.
I see you've met Myra.
Did she tell you how she burnt down our house yet? No hellos for me? Now, Rusty is that any way to treat your forever girl? Dean, tell this lunatic that my lawyer has advised me not to communicate with her.
My dad's lawyer has advised him not to communicate with you.
Stay close.
Any of your weapons still work? All right, well Keep your helicopter blades on wave your arms around, squeal a lot.
That might be scary.
Damn it! All right.
We're doing this.
Ten and two, ten and two.
My muse is calling Everyone OK? - Everyone except mommy.
- She'll be all right.
- I feel like Catherine the Great.
- Where's Dr.
"O"? They smell my cat.
Wait, wait, wait.
So we never attack Venture? Zere is no need.
My plans for a summit are both simple und elegant.
And completely retarded! Did you just mumble something about a summit? That is not crushing Venture! You don't get it.
- We have to - You should move.
You don't want her to land on you when she falls from zee ceiling.
When who calls for a healing? What? - What the hell is she doing here? - She has come to rescue you.
- From what? - From loneliness, you silly-billy.
- Who the hell are you? - Dr.
Henry Killinger.
Give these to zee lovely woman and zis is for you.
Zee Monarch's journal.
His love for you is spelled out on every page and there are some very nice drawings, also.
- That's private! - Love is not private.
Love is to be shared.
I have locked you in.
Neither of you may leave until you have reached compromise.
Good luck, and may love show you zee way.
Say good-bye to all your pretty children for me.
Can you understand what he's saying? Like, half the time.
My umbrella is stuck on something.
I require assistance.
- So is she or isn't she? - OK, Hank, look! She used to be Power Cat on American Gladiator.
Show gets tanked, she checks herself into the nuthouse.
Every couple of years, she puts on the old costume kidnaps you or tries to kill your dad or burns down the compound.
Depends on what meds she's coming off of.
How come we don't remember her then? Look.
You don't remember because you're cl - Cl-cl-cl - I can't help feeling like we're not getting the whole story.
Right! Maybe she was telling the truth.
All right! So I f her! What of it? Come, Liebe-Scheusal.
You tried your best.
You failed to reunite them, but look at it zis way.
You saved his boys, und zat's what counts.
Compromise, my friend, is zee essence of diplomacy and diplomacy is zee cornerstone of love.
Sveet love That is bloody good soup!
Previous EpisodeNext Episode