The Venture Bros (2003) s02e09 Episode Script

Mayday! Mayday!
We have broken orbit!
Repeat: Gargantua-1
has broken orbit!
We've lost stabilizers!
Retrorockets are offline
and all failsafes
have failed!
Houston, do you copy?!
We're done for, Anna.
Make peace with your higher power.
There is one thing we could try.
Anna!
What are you doing?!
Restrain yourself!
Look at that! Clamoring
for a piece of that big phony.
- That should be me up there.
- Really?
- Why is that exactly?
- Is that supposed to be a joke?
Whose space station
just saved the world?
Manstrong's? No, mine.
He was just along for the ride.
They might as well
give a medal to the seats
while they're pinning one
on Luck Rogers.
Luck Rogers?
Do you like that?
I almost said Flash-In-the-Pan Gordon.
- Glad you didn't.
- No pictures, son.
Aw, gyp!
Yeah! Join the bush club.
- Samson.
- Houser.
What's the matter?
Couldn't hack field work anymore
so they made you
White House hall monitor?
You listen to me,
and you listen to me great, Samson.
You may be a OSI,
but here, at the White House
you're just another civilian.
And I got my eyes on you.
Both of you.
- Friend of yours?
- We were in 'Nam together.
Wait! You were,
like, ten during Vietnam.
I didn't say during the war.
There I was
grappling with the controls
of the proud and mighty
grande dame of the stars
as she burned up on re-entry.
Let him have his moment.
I'll have my turn,
as soon as the President
gets a load of a certain
little something something
I just happened to bring along.
Tell me you didn't bring
that thing with you.
Do you hate these things
as much as I do?
Bunch of back-patting phonies!
At least the wine is decent.
Keep it coming, honey!
And the next thing I knew
I was waking up
in an army hospital in Iranistan.
Really? And that's all you remember
about the whole darned thing?
Unfortunately, yes.
I suppose it was that nasty bump
on the head I took in the crash.
Manstrong?
Colonel Bud Manstrong,
can you hear me?
He's coming out of it.
The procedure was a success.
- What about the chip?
- It's not going anywhere.
- Who's your friend over here?
- That's Brock Samson.
- But he is no friend of mine.
- Too bad.
Remember when I called to tell you
I'd been accosted on Gargantua-1?
Of course I do!
Oh, the tears! The sniffling!
Yes, well
- He's the fellow who did it.
- Him?!
So, why'd you beat my little boy up
and steal his girlfriend, blondie?
- Oh, mother.
- Don't say too much, do you?
Well, that's OK.
I like the strong and silent type.
Ladies and gentlemen,
a toast to Colonel Bud Manstrong.
A man of bravery, integrity,
and indomitable spirit
Oh, quit blowing smoke
up the boy's ass, Breyer.
We all know
the real reason Bud's here.
Your administration's
in the crapper, and you need
Mrs. Manstrong's little boyscout
on the team to polish that turd.
To Bud!
Mother! You can't talk
to the President like that.
Well, I didn't vote for him!
Listen, you just keep smiling,
and let your mother deal with the politics.
He's embarrassed by his mother.
I breast-fed this one
till he lost his baby teeth
and he's embarrassed by me?
Oh, mother!
Prudish! Takes after his father,
the late Senator, God rest his soul.
Man couldn't find a G-spot
without a Senate Subcommittee.
- Oh, mother!
- Say, Bud!
Or is it Budly? Budward?
What's Bud short for?
Nothing. It's just Bud.
Yeah? Seeing as how you're
all tight with the big guy
because you broke my space station
I was wondering, if maybe,
you might put in a good word for me.
Why don't you stop bothering my son,
you awful little nobody!
Vultures, Buddy! Everyone's
gonna want a piece of you now
but you don't give 'em a thing.
- Are you listening to me?!
- Yes, mother.
Colonel Bud Manstrong
listen to your mother!
Yes, mother.
So, then the teacher said,
"Johnny Deeper!"
and so he stuck it in deeper!
What?!
Seriously, lady!
Knock it off!
I'm not into it!
Smooth.
Well, perhaps
we should call it a night, eh, folks?
Thank y'all for coming,
and please, let's
let's have another round of applause
for the good Colonel.
Come on.
Hands together. You, too.
Why don't you come see me
privately in the Oval Office?
You boys better come with me.
But Johnny Deeper!
I'm terribly sorry, sir.
Mother is headstrong.
She speaks her mind
and one has no choice
but to listen.
Now don't you sweat it, Colonel Hangdog.
Your mother's right.
My administration's
up to its ass in scandal.
Hell, my VP is under indictment.
Anyways, I'm up
for re-election in November.
And I don't have
a Chinaman's chance
unless I find me
a squeaky-clean running mate.
Good luck in this town, though.
Cigar?
Well, I don't usually partake,
but Shucks!
I'm not in an oxygen-rich
environment anymore!
And how can one
decline an offer
from the President
of these United States?
Wait. Not that one.
I'm glad you feel that way, Bud
'cause I've got
a proposition for you.
How'd you like
to be Vice President?
Me?!
Hell, yeah, you!
Who'd you think I'm talking about?
You're a genuine hero, boy.
The Bureau can't find
a damn thing on you
and, plus, you're a little bit
of the eye candy for the ladies.
Speaking of which
- Take your pick.
- I'm not sure I follow you, sir.
Any of my secretarial staff.
Except the one in the blue dress
that smells like this.
Dear Lord!
That Phyllis' got my name
written all over her!
Literally!
I once wrote my name on the front
of her dress with the tip of my
Oh, no! I'm not hearing this!
I'm not hearing this!
Good evening, sir!
Cass?
I'll take that blowjob now.
Now, you boys
get yourselves some sleep
and don't you worry about a thing.
I'm just gonna get some club soda
on these here stains before they set.
All your troubles be over.
I don't think club soda
can fix my problem.
Child.
Little club soda
get out most anything.
- Wait! Don't leave!
- Dude, what is your damage?
I saw something.
I think this place is haunted.
You're just being superstitious.
I am not!
Just extra-stitious.
There's something wiggy going on.
I can feel it.
It's like like we're being watched.
Yeah, well
Lincoln bedroom is secure. Over.
Slow down, Buddy.
- Tell mama what happened.
- He was horrible, mother!
That drooling, foul-mouthed,
pervert of a man
And crude!
He said the most
disgraceful, ribaldrous things.
Yeah, yeah.
Did he offer you Vice President?
He did! And I told him
he could just take that job
and he could
he could stick
he could take it
and he could stick the job in
I ran away!
Then get back in there
and tell him you changed your mind.
You want me to come with you
and show you how?
Like when mama
held your pee-pee
and taught you
how to make your sisses?
But, mother, you said
not to give anyone anything.
Without getting
something in return, Buddy.
You gotta make him pay, Buddy!
But I don't want
Colonel Bud Manstrong,
listen to your mother.
You will go back in there
and take this job
because it will put you next
to the most powerful man in the world.
Now, be a man
and do what has to be done!
Oh, come on, Brock.
Just buy me five minutes.
I've been practicing my pitch all week.
You just have no clue, do you?
These aren't a bunch of fake pirates
or dinks in rubber butterfly suits, Doc.
We're talking about
the United States Secret Service.
Please. We'll both be off the hook when
he feasts his eyes on what I have to offer.
This thing sells itself. If it doesn't,
I can't afford to pay you this month.
- You don't pay me.
- Why do you keep looking around?
You're really afraid
of that Houser guy, aren't you?
No. Manstrong's mom.
She's got a few drinks in her
and she tried to free
Nelson Mandela under the table.
Say OK, plan B.
You throw the old broad a mercy lay
and in exchange
she sweet-talks the President for me.
Nice scene
you made at dinner, Samson.
Don't ever embarrass
the President like that again.
I don't think the agency
could possibly demote you
any lower than they already have.
But I hear there's an opening
in the mail room.
Helsinki branch.
I gotta take
I got a call. I gotta take this.
You know what, Doc?
- You're on.
- Really?
Plan A or plan B?
Venture brothers!
You must help me!
Colonel Manstrong is going
to assassinate the President!
Hank, wake up!
It's the ghost of Abraham Lincoln!
Who?
Mr. President
my boy had a little
crisis of conscience earlier.
But well
Just do it, Buddy.
Mr. President
Oh, my God!
Hello, Dr. Venture.
If I could have a moment of your time,
I have something amazing to show you!
Security breach! Security breach!
Damn it! Houser, where are you?!
Thank God!
Arrest this ma
Hey, you're not my guy.
Got about a minute, Doc.
Make it count.
Hear me out, your Excellency!
If you're anything like me
then you're super concerned
about security.
Because in these uncertain times,
what could be more important
than the safety
of your family, your home
your country,
and your troops on the battlefield?
Down in front, stick!
We were talking here!
Allow me to formally
make your acquaintance
with the Venture Dome,
the world's first fully portable
battery-powered,
invisible force field.
Gun!
A microchip! Microchip!
It's in the back of his head.
His mother is using it to control him
and she's going to make him
assassinate the President!
It just sounds
a little far-fetched.
Yeah. Thank you.
I'm glad you said it.
What? Didn't either of you see
The Manchurian Candidate?
Not even the remake with Denzel?
Come on!
I've been dead
for seven score years and even
- Who is this guy?
- Abraham Lincoln!
16th President of the United States!
Come on! You're kidding me!
Yeah, didn't you learn
anything in bed?
All right.
All right, how about this?
I'm the $5.00 bill guy.
You invented the $5.00 bill?
Yes, Hank. Yes, I did.
Dean, you seem
a little more on the ball here.
- Help me stop Manstrong.
- Why do you need us?
Because I'm immaterial.
Look at this. It's a no-go.
I need to possess one of your bodies
just for a little while
till I can stop him.
Will one of you do that for me?
- For the Union?
- Not it!
One, two, three nine, ten. Jinx!
You owe me a coke!
You are in for a world of suck, mister.
Why are you men lollygagging?!
- Lock this jackass up!
- They can't hear you.
Sound-proof.
- What the Sam-crazy
- It's a force field.
- Of my own design.
- All right, turn it off, smart face.
- You smashed the remote.
- Well, unplug it then. Whatever.
What am I, an amateur?
It's battery-powered.
- Excellent for armies in the field.
- All in a package this small?
- Stand back, sir.
- I wouldn't do that.
- They're nuclear batteries.
- Nucular?
That's not actually
a word, but, yes!
All right, people, we got a situation here.
I'm gonna need troops
Not gonna work either.
Jams radios, phones, intercoms
Only on the deluxe model, of course.
So, how the hell
are we supposed to get out of here?
Well, it'll run out of juice
on it's own in about
What's the half-life
on cobalt again?
- 5.24 years.
- 5.24 years.
Give or take.
Yes, yes. Of course, General.
You can count on me.
Sorry, hon. Gotta work tonight.
National emergency.
Little man need Ned help?
- Ned protect little man.
- No, no, Ned. Thank you.
- I won't be in any danger.
- Ned love little man!
OK! A little too tight, Ned!
Ned give little man the brain vein.
It's OK, Ned.
You ready, Captain?
Gassed up
and on the runway, Chairman.
Don't wait up, hon.
Dude! What the dilly?!
Did it work?
What happened?
Honest Abe's a mo,
that's what happened!
Sorry! Sorry!
What came over me?
I was just a bit overwhelming
having a body again.
All those hormones!
All right.
Just let me try this again.
I'm ready for it this time.
- Who's Triana, by the way?
- Just get in.
- And no funny business.
- Yes, already.
Like you boys
never experimented.
Dean!
There. You're safe now, sir.
- I've secured a perimeter.
- That's great, Houser.
You hear that, people?
Nobody crosses this line.
You think you could
maybe not smoke in here?
- Fine.
- Thank you.
It's still going.
Now the other one's caught. Nice one.
Everything you touch
turns to suck. It's official.
Oh, no!
They called my brother?
Could this be
any more embarrassing?
Yeah, all right, hi.
I see you. Go to hell.
Well, Doc, can you
break it down or what?
Well, I could try to generate
an artificial Einstein-Rosen bridge
but I can't guarantee we wouldn't be
sucked into another dimension.
Well! Hey, there, nephew!
What are you doing?
That little bastard!
How'd he do that?
- Gotta go.
- What are you trying to do, Dean?
We're helping our new ghost pal.
Ain't that something!
I wish my boy
had that kind of creativity.
Colonel Manstrong's going
to assassinate the President!
It's not really his fault though.
His mom's controlling him.
Don't give me that psycho-babble, son.
After a certain age
a man needs to take responsibility
for his own actions.
- OK.
- Sure!
Maybe if I had hugged
my thick-headed son more
he wouldn't have started them fires
or stolen all that lacrosse equipment
but, damn it,
sometimes they're just bad apples.
Damnation!
Force field! I didn't see
that one coming. Sorry, Dean.
OK, OK. New plan.
Well, you just KO'ed Uncle Sam.
Why can't you just do that
to an astronaut and his mom?
That's not Uncle Sam, it's me!
Couldn't lay a glove on it
if it weren't.
I can only move things
in the material world that bear my image.
Wait! That penny
in your pocket, Dean.
I was able to get that through
the force field. That's it!
We build a gun
made out of pennies!
Exactly! Wait, no!
That's insane.
But I have another idea.
Boys, I need $5.00 bills.
Scores of them! Ten score at least.
How are we gonna find that many?
How, how? What are you, an owl?
He can make them with his magic.
For the last time, Hank,
I'm a ghost, not a genie.
You two must find a way!
Wait! Does it matter
if it's the new fives or the old ones?
I prefer the new ones.
But whatever! Go, go!
Score! Thank you,
Ambassador Mumbattu.
Well, I promised my wife and Jesus
I wouldn't anymore.
But things being
as they are, well
Thank you, no, sir.
I'm on duty.
- Perimeter!
- Do something.
Am I the only one that cares about
Am I the only one
that cares about perimeters?
'Cause I'm starting to think I am.
And I don't and I don't like it.
Mother's had a bit too much already.
- How about you?
- I don't drink.
- I'm sorry.
- For what?
Lieutenant Baldavich.
I didn't know she was
your girlfriend.
That wasn't cool.
Mr. Samson
Gargantua-1 was
an orbiting metal Eden
until you sullied it
with your Brando-esque sensuality
and your non-regulation apparel.
Sorry doesn't quite make up
for deflowering my Eve.
Come on. Enough with
the boyscout act.
You two were alone
on that thing for years.
Now, don't tell me
you never hit that.
What?!
I never struck her!
How dare you
even imply that I did!
I loved her!
This ain't good.
FDR.
Now, he was a real President.
I loved to watch him sleep.
Weight of the world
on his little polio shoulders.
The Depression, World War II.
He slept like a baby.
Now, that is a clear conscience.
This Breyer guy, though,
he's the worst President I've ever seen.
Then why am I wasting
my time with this?
Honestly? I'm kind of hoping
to earn my wings on this deal.
So, we're not just
saving the President.
- We're saving you, too!
- My Lincoln sense is tingling!
Manstrong's making his move!
Hurry, boys!
Svengali!
No, no!
Look, this is not what it looks like.
First Anna, now my mother?!
Have you no shame, you
You mandingo!
OK, get up! We're doing this!
You and me, Samson,
right now! Let's go!
Come on, man. You know
I'm just gonna beat you stupid.
- I've done it before.
- With a sucker punch.
This time, school-yard rules.
No cheap shots.
This is ridiculous.
Your mother just
No mothers!
What?!
Here comes the Rail Splitter!
What the hell's going on now?!
What? Did my brother make that?
Mr. President, this man's
an assassin programmed to kill you!
There's a microchip
in his brain. Look!
Perimeter, sir! Perimeter!
Damn it! Not again!
Stop bothering my son!
Did I graze you, Niblets?
You did it, boys.
You saved the President.
Go, Team Venture!
You're supposed to be a doctor.
Is my Buddy gonna be OK?
Wait a minute. I recognize this.
It's a Venture industries microchip.
Hang on a sec.
It's the mother board
from Gargantua-1.
Anna! What are you doing?!
Restrain yourself!
If we are going to die
I want to go out with a bang,
as they say.
I knew it!
Told you this clown was no hero!
He just blacked out
in the middle of a hand-job.
Someone's playing
with his Lincoln logs.
Oh, my God!
It's full of stars!
Penny for his thoughts.
You're still here.
Shouldn't you have crossed over?
Apparently, stopping my bodyguard
from beating up a repressed masturbator
isn't enough to get you
into heaven these days. Go figure.
You're one to judge, Rusty.
I seem to remember a certain
fast-handed little redhead
sleeping in the Lincoln bedroom
a score and a half years back.
- All right.
- Not that you did much sleeping.
OK.
I never would
have thought that.
Don't know why you people
gotta complicate everything.
I told y'all, a little club soda
fix most everything.
That's good chowder!