Grimsburg (2024) s02e10 Episode Script

1
[Engine revs]
[Bass thumping]
Extra Wet Double Soaker
with a side of Drippy Fries,
and hurry.
I have to drive
through residential areas
and wake people up
with my tiny big engine.
[Revs engine, tires squeal]
Ugh! Come on!
[Honks horn]
- GOOSE: Honk!
- MAN: Ugh. Get out of the way, goose!
GOOSE: Honk!
Dunh! God! Ugh!
So lame!
You better not mess up
my bumper when I run you over,
or I'm gonna
[Revs engine]
- GOOSE: Honk.
- MAN: Ugh!
[Grunting]
[Crack]
Aah!
[Screaming, goose honking]
[Sounds stop]
[Bass thumping]
Cool car.
Honk!
[Theme music playing]
[Glass breaks]
- MARTINEZ: So today I would like to
- FLUTE: What's going on?
Is this a religious service,
an AA meeting, a roast?
If so, I've got some
good material.
Ahem. Wynona's been
sampled by so many DJs
Spotify should send her a royalty.
Flute, these are
the new morning meetings
we'll be having
now that I'm the chief.
- Did you not get the invite?
- Oh, I got your invite,
and then I wiped my butt with it
and threw it in the trash.
I sent it in an e-mail.
Which is why I need
a new laptop.
Sit down and put
your sandwich away!
Now that I'm in charge, things
will be different around here.
According to my new book
on Steve Jobs' leadership style,
the key to running a tight ship
is to think different
while wearing the same outfit
over and over again
until it smells terrible.
Also, I will no longer
be acknowledging
- my first child.
- Why are we changing things?
I mean, this place ran
just fine before.
Back me up on how stupid your
new boss is being, Summers.
SUMMERS: Uh, Summers
isn't here right now.
Please leave a message. Boop!
FLUTE: Oh. Hey, Summers.
Sorry I missed you,
but don't you agree
- things ran just fine back when
- SUMMERS: The voice mailbox is full
and does not want to take sides.
Good-bye.
DISPATCH: Body found
in the Soakers parking lot.
- MARTINEZ: Team, let's go!
- FLUTE: I'm on the case!
DISPATCH: Can we talk about
getting me a window in here?
D-did you leave already?
That's right. I wouldn't know
because I don't have a window!
Hi. I'm Harmony.
I'll be chaperoning your
field trip today to City Hall.
I never went to middle school
because I was raised in the wild,
so I am super excited
to finally see
what sixth grade is all about.
I hope my boobs don't look
like that when I'm 60.
- HARMONY: I'm 38!
- So is my court-appointed therapist.
Oh, that little bitch!
- I'm obsessed. Who is she?
- That's Khaleesi.
She's the coolest girl
in our class.
Rumor has it she's dating a
ghost who's in high school.
She was so mean to me,
yet all I want to do
is whatever she wants
so that she'll like me.
- What's happening?
- Welcome to middle school.
As you know, the legal voting
age in this country is 18 and over
except in Grimsburg,
where our constitution
clearly states voters
must be under the age of 18.
While most believe
this was a simple typo,
unfortunately our 23rd
amendment is "no take backs,"
- so with election season upon us
- HARMONY: Nerd alert!
[Camera clicking]
Hey, Wynona.
Did you see how stupid
Martinez look with
her new professional pantsuit
and professional hairdo
and professional lack of laughter
when I put my butt up
to the drive-thru mic
and ordered 3 medium
[Farts]
and a large chocolate
[Farts twice]
Don't drag me into your office
hate affair with Martinez.
This is why I hang with dead people.
They don't put me in the middle
unless I pose them that way.
KANG: Look. Things have changed,
and you need to accept that
because this little spat between you
two is destroying the office vibe,
a vibe I've worked
tirelessly to cultivate.
I didn't put that
cactus agave candle
in the bathroom
to have you ruin it.
- Fix your beef with Martinez.
- There's nothing wrong with my beef.
My beef is fine.
Her beef stinks.
I just want to go back to
the old system
where I do what I want
when I want, how I want
why I want, where I want,
who I want, whom I want,
and the lesser known but equally
effective whomst I want.
New rule! No more crime minds!
[Smack]
The crime mind
is my whole thing.
Without it, I'm just the
best-looking detective in the office.
- Whomst do you think you arst?
- MARTINEZ: I arst your bosst,
which means I make the rules,
so from now on, we wear gloves
when handling evidence.
And what happens if I do this
- or this or this?
- Muh?
Ehhn, ehhn, ehnn!
- OK. That's it.
- Now, what are you gonna do, huh,
yell at me, call me a doofus,
curse me out in that
other language you speak?
No. I'm going to write you up
for insubordination.
- FLUTE: Err.
- SERVER: Here's your 3 medium [Farts]
and one chocolate [Farts twice]
sir.
DILQUEZ:
Welcome, child voters!
Y'all bussin'. Bible.
Now my pollsters say you
are a swing grade
for me in this election,
and I respect that.
No cap,
which is why I'll prove I'm
the only candidate who will fight for you
in Fortnite
so that we can build
something great
in Minecraft
and together we can tear down any
Roblox that get in our way.
Now let's get to
the real pandering.
Children, please say hello to
What the?!
If you'll excuse me
for a moment.
Oh. Hey, Harmony.
He and I used to do it.
It's OK. His wife knew.
She sometimes watched,
but then I was over it,
and now Mrs. Dilquez
and I are best friends.
Adult sex is complicated.
You're so mother. I love it.
You're with us today.
Take this.
SKATES: It's made
of substitute teacher hair.
[Sniffs]
I can smell their fear of you.
MARTINEZ: It gives me
no pleasure punishing you.
I look orgasmic for other reasons.
FLUTE: Oh, yeah? Well, I can
write stuff down, too.
Mayor, thank God you're here.
I'm filing a report on Martinez.
It's all there.
My goose is loose, and youse
twos need to find that goose,
so vamoose!
I just watched "The Lorax."
We're kind of
on a murder investigation.
- Isn't this a job for animal control?
- Sorry, but Frank and the gang
have their hands full this
week with another wacky
but emotionally grounded
adventure,
so you need to find him,
and be careful.
My goose is special.
I'll find your goose,
but if I do,
Martinez can no longer be
my boss.
MARTINEZ: Mayor, would you
please explain to Flute
that the reason I got this job
over him is because
DILQUEZ: I don't care about your
departmental squibble-squabbles,
so whoever finds my goose
can have whatever they want.
Oh, and if neither of you find him,
you're both fired.
BOTH: We accept
your wild goose chase.
I'm gonna make you
the smartest goose.
It's a low bar,
but we're passing it.
- Honk.
- Shh!
Honk!
[Librarian grunting]
[Goose grunting]
[Librarian groaning]
[Screaming]
WOMAN: Shh!
LIBRARIAN: [Whispering] Aah!
Not the eyes.
I need them for reading
because I'm a librarian! Aah!
Time to get that goose,
which will get Martinez's goose,
and then things will be back
to the glorious,
gooseless,
godless way it was before.
SUMMERS: Let's go, you silly goose.
I'm sorry.
That was in poor taste.
- I'm doing this alone.
- Great! Everyone else is on my team.
FLUTE: What? That's not fair.
I want a team, too.
MARVIN: You just want them
because I have them.
FLUTE: Uh, no doy!
That's how petty jealousy works.
Ugh. I'm sorry. Would you
mind stepping on a chair?
My back is killing me today.
MARTINEZ: I'm the boss.
You come down to me.
FLUTE: Fine.
[Grunting]
You can't tell me what to do!
KANG: Hey, hey!
We've got a better chance
of saving the vibe and catching
the goose if we all work together.
Exactly.
Together on separate teams
pitted against each other.
Let's pick.
[Grunting]
- Ladies and whatever you are first.
- Kang!
SUMMERS: Ooh, ooh!
Can I have a second
to practice my surprise face
when you pick me over Wynona?
Ooh!
WYNONA: But I don't want to be
on anybody's team.
I want to be neutral
like Switzerland
- or journalists before the 1990s.
- Summers
you're with me.
Don't worry. You'll be
my man on the inside.
- Team Secret Flute.
- SUMMERS: Ooh! Do we get code names?
- I'm already regretting this.
- And I'm Dr. Marzipan.
These are the giant scissors
I used to cut
the ribbon for the mall
that burned down.
Ah! These I used to open
the casino that exploded.
This. Oh, this!
Oh, my God! This one's
KHALEESI: Where's the cool
thing you promised us?
HARMONY: Yeah, we're sick
of this. We want
- Taylor's version!
- Uh, almost ready, but first, my wife.
[Machinery whirs]
Ha ha ha.
Good one, honey.
- Moving on.
- HARMONY: I'm in with the cool crowd.
We're wearing the wrong jeans.
I'll fill you in later.
STAN: During the last election,
you replaced
all of Grimsburg's subways
with zip lines to make
public transportation, quote,
"Greener and super rizzed up."
Have they actually
lowered emissions
even though the busses you
take to the top run on diesel?
Uh who wants to see
an execution, huh?
[Librarian sobbing]
FLUTE:
Afternoon, crying book officer.
Tell me everything you know.
LIBRARIAN: I already told
the other detectives
the goose attacked me
after I caught it reading.
Wait! Are you trying to tell me
that Martinez beat us here?
Great job, Wynona!
Now I'm gonna lose because
you're slowing me down
like Matt Damon
slows down Ben Affleck.
Hey. I didn't ask to be
a part of this,
so stop taking your frustrations
out on me and Matt Damon.
- He's clearly the alpha in that relationship.
- It's true.
Ugh. Whatever.
We're wasting time.
We got to find out what
Martinez knows!
All right?
One of them is a superhero,
and the other one bought a zoo.
Come on!
Where are you going next, goosey?
[Cell phone vibrates]
Hello, Already Regretting This.
Go for Dr. Marzipan.
FLUTE: 'Sup?
My team's doing great.
We basically solved it,
so we're just chilling,
looking at Zillow porn.
Found a castle
in Idaho for 90 grand.
Thinking about it,
but while I got you,
tell me everything Martinez knows.
- MARTINEZ: Who are you talking to?
- SUMMERS: Aah!
Uh, my best friend Clarinet.
You wouldn't know him.
He's a single dad
with a drinking problem,
who thinks I didn't see
him cry over a hot dog
he dropped at a baseball game.
FLUTE: It cost $12 and was
in a souvenir bun.
MARTINEZ: I can't believe
you betrayed me.
FLUTE: Don't worry, Summers. I
could use a guy like you on my team.
Wynona is being a total Matt Damon.
MARTINEZ: I'm fine with those apples.
Wynona, want to join my team?
I'll let you take
a body home this week.
WYNONA: Ugh!
Why can't we just get along
like the fire department
and make sexy calendars
together like a real
public safety office?
[Crying]
KANG: Well, you two finally did it.
You killed the vibe.
MARTINEZ: You can't kill a vibe.
It's not even real.
Not real, not real?
Then why would Spencer's Gifts
sell a vibe meter?
We're at a two, so now I
have to go save the vibe
and find this goose without you.
SUMMERS:
Well, at least you still got me.
BOTH: Get out!
DISPATCH: Truck explosion
at the bread crumb factory.
Assailant described as short, white,
and covered in feathers.
My God! Bjork is back.
DISPATCH: Not this time.
Reports are it's a goose
who was last seen flying south
towards the Grimsburg Piescraper.
Not that I could see it in here.
All I can see is a 1998
"Dilbert a Day" calendar,
and I'm starting to find it funny.
Help me!
STAN:
And in regards to fracking,
what did you mean when you said
"Unprotected fracking is fine
if they look clean"?
Stan, can I see you in my office?
We got this as long as he
doesn't have one of those
Matt Lauer desk buttons.
DILQUEZ: All right.
Who sent you?
The opposition, the news?
Is your cape a camera?
That's actually very plush.
- Who makes this?
- I just want to be an informed voter.
Why? The system is what it is,
and we just choose a new bozo
to pop at the top,
and I want to stay that bozo.
I'll give you whatever you want
to stop this informed nonsense.
Now, this is real politics, Stanatee!
Greased palms and backdoor deals!
Tell him we want arson legalized.
KANG: Mayor, we need to talk.
Your goose is reading, committing
random acts of violence,
and ruining my work vibe.
Look. I've got an election to win,
and what do children love most?
- SUMMERS: Macaroni.
- WYNONA: Ritualistic violence.
DILQUEZ: Talking animals,
so I went on the dark web
and got the goose,
one of those limitless pills
from that movie,
but I worried it might not
be real because, you know,
it's just a movie,
so I also gave him some
CPH4 pills
from the movie "Lucy,"
a few red pills from "The Matrix,"
and everything they took in
"The Wolf of Wall Street."
So you made a "Limitless"
"Lucy" talking goose?
KHALEESI: A talking goose?
[Cheering]
Called it.
FLUTE: The Grimsburg Piescraper,
the pie factory in the sky
that the mayor built after
misunderstanding what it meant
to promise voters that very thing.
MARTINEZ: I can't believe we
have to work for that idiot.
FLUTE: Now you know how I feel.
[Wings flapping]
Honk.
MARTINEZ: Here, Mother Goose!
Come on!
There you go!
We're like the same size,
same size, same team.
FLUTE: No, no, no, come to me.
I've got a pocket full of
scratch-offs I can't tell if I won
and this sandwich somebody
wouldn't let me eat.
Wait. Hey, little birdie
honk honk.
You like hoagie honk honk?
Wait, Flute! Don't!
I think that goose killed
the guy at the drive-thru?
FLUTE: Killer goose? Nice try.
Ha! I win.
Thank you, mayor's goose.
GOOSE: Oh.
I'm the mayor's goose?
FLUTE: What's wrong, Martinez?
Jealous the goose isn't asking
you ominous questions?
- Agh! Talking goose.
- Now it all makes sense.
The mayor made me.
He is responsible
for who I have become,
and now he must take
responsibility for what I must do.
MARTINEZ: What the
[Wings flapping]
- FLUTE: Well, there goes our goose.
- No, there goes our jobs.
Starting to wish that was Bjork.
- FLUTE: Are you, though?
- No. You're right.
MARTINEZ: The goose is headed
to City Hall.
- To the stairs!
- FLUTE: Stairs? There's no time.
We have to jump.
It's way faster.
Look for a French café awning
we can bounce off of.
Yoooou doofus!
[Poof]
There she is. I thought
I'd never see you again
- after you sold out.
- How did I sell out?
Reading all your
management books and wearing
that stupid power suit.
You look like you're cosplaying
as a ladies'
college basketball coach.
You know what? I don't love
this outfit either,
but at least I don't
look like I'm smuggling
a basketball under my shirt.
Really?
A fat joke in this climate?
Grow up. Oh, wait,
you already tried that?
- That's a short joke!
- Those are still in play.
No one's made a stink
about those yet.
- MARTINEZ: Speaking of stink
- FLUTE: Don't you dare.
This is Russell by Kurt for
Kurt Russell Cologne, stupid.
MARTINEZ: Me stupid? You stupid!
I thought the stupidest
thing in town
was the mayor's Piescraper
until I met you.
FLUTE: That's about the stupidest
thing I've ever heard because
everyone knows the stupidest thing
in town is the mayor's zipline.
Wait. What did you say?
FLUTE: I said that's the
stupidest thing I've ever heard.
- No, the other thing.
- Russell by Kurt?
There was the basketball thing.
Teeth?
MARTINEZ: No, the zip line.
- I figured it out!
- I said it first!
- No, you said it, but I put it together.
- How can you figure it out?
- You're so sad.
- It was my idea. You're mental.
[Kids chanting]
Goose, goose, goose, goose!
All right. We're gonna have
to pay off this kids.
Cash, candy, and a sip of beer.
You know the drill.
GOOSE: Mayor Dilquez.
[Cheering]
Yes, yes. My gift to you,
a talking goose.
[Click]
Please don't kill me.
GOOSE: I cannot kill you
because I need you.
Where once I was happy
to eat moss and bugs in a lake,
now I look upon those joys
with confusion and disdain.
I dream of ignorance.
Make me a goose again.
Look, I wish I could change
you back, but I just can't.
They didn't make a movie
called "Limitless Less."
[Whooshing]
FLUTE: Hands up!
Feathers up? Wings?
GOOSE: Change me back,
or he gets it.
Oh, yeah, goose?
Well, two can play at that game.
Put your gun down,
or she gets it.
HARMONY: Oh, OK.
[Murmuring]
Why?
She means nothing to me.
FLUTE: Join the club.
She means nothing to me, too.
I mean, she used to
before she got all boring
- and started dressing like Pat Summitt.
- MARTINEZ: Wait. Used to?
What do you mean by that?
- Elaborate.
- I would never.
How about now?
[Indistinct chatter]
FLUTE: Fine. Ever since
I lost this promotion,
I feel like I've lost
my best enemy. I miss us.
MARTINEZ: So you're not jealous
that I'm the chief?
FLUTE: No. I just want you to be
a detective again
so we can go back to
spiting each other as equals.
Everything is weird now.
Not like you'd care.
- MARTINEZ: Maybe I do!
- Then prove it, hotshot.
[Murmuring]
MARTINEZ: OK, fine.
I miss it, too.
My love language is hate,
but there's nothing we can do!
FLUTE: Why not? We wait.
I think I need the gun again.
- SUMMERS: You can have mine.
- MARTINEZ: No. We're good.
- Why not?
- Because I'm your boss now.
I can't fight with you anymore.
Can't you see that?
KANG: Enough! Can't you
see that fighting is what
makes you both better?
MARTINEZ: We have no idea
what you're talking about.
KANG: How about now, punks?
KHALEESI: Whoa!
What's going on actually?
FLUTE: He's right.
Once we started fighting,
we figured out how to get
off that Piescraper,
but if we can't fight anymore,
then I'm done with this
and the this I'm referring to
is living.
[All gasp]
MARTINEZ: No, Flute!
Don't do it!
I know everything seems
different now, but but
GOOSE: But nothing
has changed.
- What?
- Just because someone
is different does not mean
everything must change.
Even though I am now
all knowing,
it does not mean I cannot still
be a goose and eat breadcrumbs
or lunge at an unsupervised
toddler in the park.
So just because she's my boss
Doesn't mean
we can't hate each other.
- FLUTE: I hate you, always will.
- MARTINEZ: And I wish you had
pulled that trigger
and killed yourself doofus.
ALL: Aw!
No. By the power vested in me
by the hard-working children
of this city, I hereby pardon him
because I cannot kill
the goose that lays
the golden egg of truth.
I guess the only thing that I really
care about in politics is compassion.
KHALEESI: O.M. God. He's crying?
What a loser baby.
I know this will end my time
as a popular sixth grader,
but that loser baby is my baby,
and I am so mother,
his mother, a mother.
I don't even know if I'm
saying any of this right,
but you know what?
I don't care.
KHALEESI: Not caring?
That is so father.
DISPATCH: Body found
at the corner of Diane Lane
and Peekaboo Street.
- Team, let's move!
- I'm on the case!
WYNONA: Uh-oh.
Are Mom and Dad gonna fight?
Nope.
Good job today, numbnuts.
It's actually numbnut,
and thank you.
Vibes so good
I don't even have to check.
FLUTE: Team, let's move.
Take the lead, chief.
[Chuckles]
GOOSE: And while I never consented
to the changes thrust upon me,
I now see that change often
brings us into a new light.
You know, like how they change
the Batmans all the time.
- Oh.
- Ah. I see.
Which is why today I announce
my candidacy for mayor,
[Cheering]
and together,
we will demand change.
Now that's
a cool promise change.
Can we go now?
I'm so frickin' bored.