8 Simple Rules (2002) s02e11 Episode Script

1
Mom, can you, please take me
driving? Please, please, please.
No, honey; I'm making dinner.
But you promised!
I lied; Welcome to life.
Look, Kerry, could you just let..
..your driving obsession
go for two minutes?
Your cousin C.J. will
be here any minute.
Ew!
PBHT!!
All right; Excuse me.
If there's anything we
have learned this year..
..it's the importance
of 'Family'
And C.J. is family.
Eww..
PBHT!!
Stop it!
Why should we care
about seeing him?
When we were kids, he
was a big, huge bully.
He stole all my army men.
And he took my Debbie doll..
..to 'entertain' Rory's army
men while they were on leave.
Then he blew them
all up with M-80s.
The boy's a bad egg, Cate.
Well, what's your problem
with him? Dad
I loaned him money for
his college education.
Huh, I didn't know
C.J. went to College.
He didn't.
All right; That's him.
Now, attitude
adjustment, everybody.
C.J. is my sister's son.
So that's why we
have to like him.
No; That's why we have
to feel sorry for him
I know he wasn't the best
kid, but people change.
And he's been in the Army
I'm sure he's grown up a lot.
Ahh.. Aunt Cate!
C.J.!
Whoo!
All right.
This is it? This is
as big as we get?
Hey, everybody.
It's good to see ya!
Yeah, it's great to see you, too.
Can you take me driving?
Kerry.
Is that my 'gampa'? Uhh. Uh.
Is that 'pap-pap'?
'Ga-Ga', It's me!
Please, don't get up!
How's that College
degree coming?
That's a funny story;
I didn't go.
But I am paying you back,
in fact, here's a little
downpayment.
It's not dope money, Is it?
I don't take dope money.
Dad. C.J. just make
yourself at home
I'm gonna go check on dinner.
Don't worry, grandpa
I've done quite well since
I left the service.
Joined the carnival;
Ran the 'Tilt-A-Whirl'
The "tilt a whirl"?
It tilts, it whirls
It does it all.
Strap in!! Watch 'em heave!!
Here we go, people! Let's party!!
Why the stink eye?
You blew up our toys.
War is hell, tiny butch up
$1.000..
..or a big screen Tv, or
'A Las Vegas' getaway..
..if you attend one
time-share seminar.
Yeah, I guess you got to
check out that time-share
and buy a condo
by tomorrow.
All right, everybody;
Let's sit down for dinner
I think I'll pass
Bridget, Wow!
Eh..eh.
You are really, really-
-related to you!
Right. Got any
friends who aren't?
Can you take me driving?
Nice try, Raggedy Ann;
No, thanks.
So, C.J. you're really here
'cause of our dad?
Oh, yeah; I love uncle Paul.
He was the one who drove me
to the 'Recruitment Center'
He said: "Join
the Army. It'll make"
a man out of you";
It worked for me.
-Um, dad was never
in the 'Service' -Yeah.
Wait, what?
Aunt Cate.
Do you mind if I say grace?
Well my kids don't
usually do that,
but, yeah, that'd
be a nice change.
It's nice when people
change, isn't it?
Everyone?
Dear Lord,
Thank you for the food
we are about to receive
and thank you, for-
I gotta take this.
What's up?! You did not!!
Oh, my God!
Amen.
Well, it looks like C.J. left
without kissing me goodbye.
Oh, come on, Cate, I'm
crying on the inside.
Well, in a second, you'll
be crying on the outside.
He spent the night in his van.
Okay, everyone, I need your help.
It is candid picture
week at school.
What's that?
It's when the yearbook
staff take your picture
when you least expect it.
They give me advance
notice every year.
Um, Kerry, you might want to
run a brush through that.
So, I need help choosing
my candid poses.
Maybe tomorrow, we can
narrow down colleges.
Mom, let's be serious for
like, 2 seconds, okay?
All right; So here is me
chatting with friends.
Here is me studying
for a test for finals.
And, her's me, just being me.
And now, do you looking mindless.
What?
Oh, you nailed it!
Oh, it's cold out there!
You mind if I plug this in and
borrow some electricity..
..for a little space heater?
No, help yourself.
Can I borrow a little
space heater?
Well, didn't you come in
the house last night?
Somebody locked the dead bolt.
Yeah, I know.
You know, why don't you guys
catch up while I make breakfast?
Well, C.J.
When are you gonna be leaving?
Dad, -
No, no; What I meant was, ah..
How long is it gonna be, before
you're not here anymore.
Well, you left in a hurry last
night What was the big emergency?
I happened to score
the last two tickets
for the Aerosmith Concert,
this weekend.
You walked out on Cate's dinner
to get a couple of tickets
to a rock'n'roll show?
I know you're excited, 'potsie',
but I only got two tickets.
Mom, I'm not feeling well
I'm not gonna go to school.
Oh, honey. You all right?
You know, there's a stomach
thing going around.
Yeah. Oh! My stomach.
I'll just have my
eggs in my room.
Where's the tabasco?
All right; What's going on?
- Nothing I can talk to you about
Rory!
Ah
He's got that look again.
He needs a guy to talk to.
Eh, I'll go.
He needs a guy to talk to today.
Did you see that?
Did you see that?!
I know, dad.
Hi Hey.
I like what you've
done with the place.
Let me guess. Girly mags
behind the headboard?
- No!
Yes.
Listen, I know it's been a while
since the whole army men-
But if you ever want to talk-
Okay, see, there's
this girl, Missy
who's got these eyes that
make me forget how to walk
and, when I'm around-
Easy, Mary; Let's skip
the walks on the beach.
Keep it surfacey Ok,
she's hot. I get it. Continue.
Yeah, she's got the
prettiest eyes-Eh!, steady.
After we got
done studying last night
we were saying goodbye
on her front porch
and I think she might have
wanted me to kiss her.
And I choked. I suck.
You every try to kiss a girl
and she whips her head back?
That is the worst. It's
happened to me 5.000 times.
They would
rathercrack their head
against he cement
wall behind them
than have your gross lips touch-
Okay!
Mary; My story?
See, I've kissed girls before
I've just never kissed
a girl that way.
You know; With the, uh..
- Dude!
Don't dont do that.
There's this dance coming up
I figure at some point,
I might have to, you know-
Well, Dude, what did I just say?!
Keep the tongue in
or I walk; All right?
It, it's just I don't
want to do it wrong.
It's a lot of pressure.
C.J., You've gone out
with a lot of girls, right.
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah, lots.
Carny groupies
Carny groupies wanabies.
You know, kissing's
like anything else.
If you wanto to get good
you got to practice.
Lots and lots of practice.
You're pretty smart, C.J.
Well, you know, they don't
let just anyone in the Army.
Really? I heard they did.
- Nooo..!!
- What?!
Jeez, Bridget, what is it?
You finally realized it's
all downhill from here?
Oh, my God! I knew it!
There's a huge volcanic growth
brewing at the end for my nose..
..just 7 hours before my
candid picture day begins!
Why don't you just cover it?
With a ski mask.
Okay, you know.
- I need medicine.
We have to go to The Drug Store.
Sometimes you can outsmart
them with a pre-emptive strike.
Well; What do you need me for?
'Cause it's dark, and I'm scared
and I need you to buy it
'cause I can't be seen getting
zit medicine. So,
let's go! C'nm!!
No. -Please!
- No! -Please.
Ok; I'll go with you
on one condition..
I get to drive.
Um, no. No, no. You only have
your learner's permit.
It's too risky; No.
So is being photographed
looking like a dalmatian.
- Ohh!!
I told you; You
hit a pole. I looked!
I swear I didn't see anything!
'Cause it was
dark! I can't believe I
let you drive. Mom
is gonna kill us!
Ladies.
- Hey.
- Hello.
You know, your mom will
never notice that dent..
..if you stand that way forever.
Whoa! No you didn't.
Mmm
Paint scraped, different
color, nervous teens.
Obviously, you did this
sneaking out last night
Bridget, he doesn't
know what he's talking about.
You drove! You let her!
Prove it!
Seat's way up, Mirror's way
down been there
Ohh, I'm so impressed,
Mr Carny-man.
What are you gonna do
next, guess my weight?
Motive, Why?, why?, why?
What could it be?
Ahh..
Hello, my little red friend.
Wow,
Okay. It's night. Teenage
girl finds a zit
and a doozy, at that.
Mom won't let you out this late
So it's midnight run time..
..for a little Benzoyl peroxide.
Kerry, you get to drive but
you have to buy the cream
'cause Pamela here can't be
seen buying that kind of goop.
Should I keep going, or
have you heard enough?
Where' you learn to do that?
In the army. Studying
aerial photos.
In a split second,
I had to decide:
Weapon of mass destruction..
..or just a dude.
Hi!
What's everydody doing out here?
Wha-?
Oh, no!
What happened?
Ahh! I don't need this!
Mom.
We, uh-
I dit it.
He did it!
You?
Yeah; Sorry, it was late last
night. There was an emergency
I didn't have time to umplug my
wan, so I borrowed your car
I found it! That way
in the parking lot.
And they call it a
'Gentleman's Club'.
C.J.
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you,
Oh, why did you do that?
Come on; You're family.
Blood is thicker than-
Oh, my God! It's caring me!
Mom?
I need you to sign this;
I'm kind of in trouble.
What is it?
"Improper displays of affection
in the halls, without a pass."
What, did you kiss Missy
in the hallway?
It wasn't Missy.
It was Robin Rendell.
She's always kind of had a crush
on me plus I need the practice.
You needed practice kissing?
You are a 14 y.o. boy. You're
not supoosed to be good.
C.J. told me I should practice
kissing lots of other girls..
..so I'd be good when I, finally,
get my hands on Missy.
Get your hands on-on-
C.J. told you this?
Yeah.
Well; Did he also tell you that..
..you'd be having a month
of saturday detentions?
What? Mmmm
Rory, give me a minute
I love that C.J.
I'm gonna shout it
from the rooftops.
Now, look, dad; We haven't
heard C.J.'s side of the story.
And, when we do, then we can
wring his scrawny little neck.
You know, it's one thing to give
someone, the
benefit of the doubt.
But, I cannot stand when a
member of my own family..
..is lying straight to my face.
She was just practicing her
scared pose. Good one, Brig'!
What's wrong with you?!
Kerry, she knows!
She knows everything!
I can't take this anymore!
I've to confess right now!!
Stop it! You're being histerical!
I can't -ohh.
Uh!
Ow! Quit it!
Auhh!
Okay, calm down, Bridget!
Bridget!!
You're being paranoid!
No, I'm not; Didn't you
hear her? She said:
.."I can't stand a family
member lying to my face"!
Look; If mom knew we
took out the car.
Why wouldn't she just come
out and say something?
Because she is toying with us.
She wants us to come clean
but all we keep doing is lying
and Aow!!
Hey, hey, come on in, man.
Grab a seat in the bed.
Hey! Oh!
- Woww..
I ought to mess you up, man.
It's really hard to be taken
seriously on this stupid bed.
Yeah; Tell me about it.
This isn't funny
I took your stupid advice
and kissed Robin Rendell.
Oh, yeah? How'd it go?
She said I opened
my mouth too wide.
Uhh .. Ha .. Ha, rookie mistake.
She said it was like sticking
her face in a bucket.
If I had a nickel-
The point is..!!
..then, Missy found out
I kissed someone else
and told me I could
forget about the dance
she said she wouldn't kiss me
if I were the last guy on Earth
Rory, "I wouldn't kiss you if you
were the last guy on Earth"
is a rite of passage. Every guy
hears that at some point.
It's like: "You
are old and gross".
"Ferrari doesn't make vans."
"So help me God,
take one more step I'll
bash your head in
with this rock", C'n!
You don't understand.
Now, Missy will probably..
..hook up with someone
else at the dance..
..and forget all about me.
Ahh, Come here, Look Rory
I'm really, really sorry
that happened to you, pal.
But I kinda got to get moving.
Well; What do I do about Missy?
Can we talk about it
after the concert?
Or actually, maybe
in a couple of days
'cause tonight's
gonna be really great
and this conversations
seems like it's
got 'Buzz killer'
written all over it,
but I'm gonna snag you a
light skick. How about that?
- Right.
Rory!!
Come on, man. We'll talk
on the way to the show.
Where's Rory?
Hey Cate.
Where's Rory?
He's coming; He's in the van.
You told Rory that he could
get a girl to like him..
..by practicing kissing
on another girl?
I told him to practice,
but I meant like..
..on his hand, or in the
mirror on plush toys.
You kiss plush toys?
No, you kiss plush toys.
You know, C.J., ehm..
I gave you a chance
because I thought maybe
you had matured
but it's become pretty obvious
that we were just
another place to crash
while you followed 'Aerosmith'
on their tour -Buff.
I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to ask you to leave.
Wow, Ouch.
Some birthday.
Now ask him for my money.
Dad, please
Hi mom!
Hi, Mrs. Hennessy!
Hi Missy!
Did I tell you, you could
go to a concert?
I didn't. I went to
the school dance.
- What?!
Oh, rory was so cute; He
came in, brought me a rose
I felt just like
the bachelorette.
C.J. drove me there.
I was too scared to go in.
Then he convinced me I should.
When I got there, she looked
so pretty, I got butterflies-
Eh - steady.
Right.
Sorry you missed your
'Aerosmith Concert'
- It's cool.
- You didn't go?
Anyway, I'm gonna
walk Missy home.
Hey, don't you two take
french class ..together?!
- Shhh..
Wow, I cant't believe you
gave up your concert.
It's no biggie.
Wow, these are really good seats.
- Yeah, yeah.
No, no, I mean, incredible seats.
- Yeah, Thank you.
Yeah; Well, it has been fun.
Why don't you drop by when
you can stay a little longer?
Look..
I may have worn out my
welcome here a little bit..
..and I'm sorry.
And I don't want to
sound cheesy but..
I just always wanted to be
part of a family like yours.
I just kind of like hanging
out with you guys.
Oh, well; That was kind of sweet.
- Yeah;
Can you take me driving?
I'm sorry. That just slipped out.
That, that really was sweet.
Now, wait one damn minute here..
..before we all soften up
like a bunch of pansies.
You look me in the eye
and you tell me the truth.
Why did it take so
long to come pay
your respects to
your uncle Paul?
C.J.; Be honest for once.
I was ashamed.
You know, he was the only guy
who said I'd be somebody
I never was
I almost calle him
one time when I
was running 'The
Tilt-A-Wirl', but..
..all the parents freaked out
'cause I was dialing..
..instead of 'paying attention'
to their kids!
I'll get out of your air.
- Where are you gonna go?
- Thought I might see my parents
I thought they weren't
talking to you
I meant from a distance
I could re-up in the Army
Oh, Wait; There's a war.
Technically, I don't know
where I'm going, so
I'll be fine.
All alone.
Me and my little space heater.
That's my space heater.
C.J. wait.
Look, the truth is this family
doesn'n really know
where it's going, either.
So..
Why don't you stay
a little while?
In the driveway.
All right. Until you can
figure stuff out.
Can I have a key
to the dead bolt?
- No!!
And, yet, you know,
C.J. I have to say
it's so nice to see the real you.
If there's one thing we
value in this household..
..it's the truth; Honesty,
honesty, honesty-
Okay, mother! Stop it! Just
stop your mind games right now!!
- What?!!
Shut up, shut up, shut up!
I did it! I put the dent in
the car. It was my foult!
- Nooo!!
- Yes!
Yes!!
I had to get zit
cream one night..
..and she wouldn't go with
me unless she could drive..
..so, she put the
dent in the car,
then C.J. took the blame for us.
- What?
- Ohh! I feel so much better.
Thank you for telling me
to be honest. Good night!
What? Wait ..one minute!
You snuck out at night
and you drove?!!
You don't even
have a license..and..
And you covered
for the whole thing?!
All right, okay! Everybody
mass groundings.
You are not the boss of me!
Oh, you mean those two?
That's cool.
And you just asked him to stay.
- Well, I, uh
- Oh
Wow, Rory, where'd you
learn how to kiss like that?
My cousin.
Your cousin? Ew!!
Ow!
Wait!! No, It's
not like it seems!!
My cousin's the guy!!
OOo