The Venture Bros (2003) s02e12 Episode Script

Morning, sugar blossom.
Breakfast in bed.
I got an orange
and a bag of carob pretzels.
That's all they had
in the mini-bar.
Why don't you put that crap down
and come over here?
Hello, girls.
Remember me?
Dumpling? Have you had
some work done?
I can barely get
my hands around them.
They're exactly the same size.
- Are you riding your menstrual cycle?
- No! What are you getting at?
That maybe you're hiding
something from me?
Like a little gift
that Phantom Limb left in your oven.
All right.
I knew you couldn't handle this.
It's crazy! We've been meeting
in this crappy hotel
like, three times a week
and it's going nowhere!
All right, fine, I'll do Thursdays, too!
But only for, like, an hour.
Which means we have
to get right to the dirty deed!
I give you permission
to begin without me.
Gee, thanks. Look, I keep coming
home with welts on my neck
and the
"I got jumped by Flying Squid" excuse
is starting to get Phantom Limb
a wee bit suspicious.
Screw Phantom Limb!
No, wait, no, don't.
Don't you get it?!
I love you!
But I don't want this!
All right. Fine!
Oh, crap. You're crying. I I
Marry me?
Stop it, I'm worn
down from all this!
I should go.
- Marry me.
- You're being serious?
Deadly serious!
- Yes.
- Good! Done.
Now get your ass back in that bed!
But we need to make
some ground rules.
One. No more of this "I need my space,
you're crowding me" crap.
Fine, whatever.
Where were you hiding that list?
Two! I'm not your number two.
I'm your partner.
OK. I'll get you
a crown or something.
Anything else on that magic
and probably moist list of yours?
Yes, number three.
This whole Dr. Venture thing is over.
Yes! We kill him once and for all!
And we shall make
slaves of his sons
and a lamp from the flesh
of Brock Samson!
No! I want you to give up
this insane grudge you have
with Dr. Venture once and for all!
No way!
Dr. Venture is my sworn enemy!
Never mind then,
I knew you weren't serious!
No, no, don't go!
Fine, I'll do it.
No more arching Dr. Venture.
- Ever?
- Never.
- Swear.
- I pinky swear!
OK? Are you happy now?
The happiest woman alive.
He's gonna kill us.
- Maybe if we beg for mercy.
- God, let him.
It would be such sweet release
from this torture
we've brought upon ourselves.
F it, you kill me.
Just don't hit my head
or make too much noise doing it.
I have an idea, Chunk.
You open this door, and I'll kill ya.
What did we do?
Sh! I thought I dreamt that part.
Apparently, you lost your hearing
as well as your arms.
I said I'm getting married
to your girlfriend!
Yes, yes. I heard you.
You surprise me, Limb.
You're taking this pretty well.
I thought you'd try to kill me.
I'm no fool, Monarch.
You don't live with a woman
and not know when this is coming.
You don't dine on the bounty
of a woman's flesh
and not know what she's thinking.
- OK, OK.
You don't drive your manhood
over and over into a woman and
Yes, stop. I get it!
Just give me her sh and let me go.
She needs something old.
In due time.
I thought we'd have a nice chat first.
There's one.
- Was that Mr. Monday?
- Yes.
You two were in prison together,
were you not?
I saw him around. I think.
You'd be surprised at the array
of wildlife here on the grounds.
Wonder what other game
we could scare up.
Dr Septapus?
Oh, don't tell me.
Not another one
of your former prison mates?
What are the odds?
All right, Limb.
What's going on here?
Just disposing of some vermin.
Terrible, the havoc they can wreak
on a meticulously
manicured lawn, you know.
OK, OK, fine.
So what did you do?
Bust all these guys out of jail
just to show me how ruthless you are?
What do you take me for, a common thug?
Of course not. I hired them
an excellent appeals attorney.
And there he is.
Please! Phantom Limb!
I did everything you asked!
I'm a reasonable man, Monarch.
But don't think for a moment
that I will forget this.
Revenge, like gazpacho soup
is best served cold,
precise and merciless.
Oh, yeah. You can never
have enough precision in your soup.
Look, nutjob, I hate
these traitorous dinks more than you do!
So shoot whoever you want.
Go.
Her sh is by the door
in a box marked "Hers."
It's like playing keep-away
with the neighborhood spastic.
Can't get a bead on him.
You should give us
the all-seeing orb.
"You should?" nice, Al.
Very polite.
What? You catch more flies with honey.
- Give us the eye, or face oblivion!
- Please!
Fat chance, ladies.
Weep the tears of damnation!
Form the Thaumaturgic Man-Mound!
Man, Orpheus, what are you wearing?
Golf shoes?
I think my hand is bleeding.
And the squirming
I think it's the flip part.
That's the zing.
We need the zing.
Well, the zing hurts my hand.
Well, if we practiced more often
than once a month
Hey, look!
I'm in The Residents!
Does anybody else feel
even slightly embarrassed here?
Only most of the time.
Practice makes perfect!
We shall meet at my home
for some real training.
Yeah!
Slumber party!
Are you out of your f minds?!
They were going to be our gift to you guys.
"On this your wedding day."
You dicks!
I promised her!
I made a pinky swear!
A sacred pinky swear!
Dr. Fiancée is going to flip! And then
she will never have sex with me again!
- How does he do that?
- I can hear that in my eyes!
Will you shut up
and listen to your leader?!
Do not do that.
OK. We get it. We screwed up.
Just use the quiet voice, please.
Look, don't think I'm not impressed.
I am. That isn't what this is about.
I'd love to know
why you couldn't pull this off
at, like, any point
in the last ten years, but
Wait a minute.
How the hell did you pull this off?
Well, after the party died down
and you went to bed
you know, some of us
were still pretty wired
and so we decided to pick up
a case and hit the tenderloin.
Loin.
Mind you, we were
wicked toasted by this point
which is when I spotted
this tattoo parlor
and I just had
to get me some ink.
See? I've had this design
in my wallet for, like, a year
but, you know, that sh is permanent.
- You never had the balls.
- Guilty.
But once this Cowardly Lion
got himself some courage
from that Wizard of Booze,
we went in there. Stand by.
OK, so we get in there.
And who should we see,
not, like, ten feet away
getting himself
a sweet friggin' tat?
None other than Brock Samson,
murderist extraordinaire.
Slayer of men,
slayer of henchmen.
He, who would, and has, totally ripped
our heads off if he saw us coming.
Which, of course, he didn't,
so we got the jump on him.
Now there were, of course,
the predictable casualties.
Of course.
But once he was, like,
totally out of the picture
we naturally got to thinking
Dr. Venture's,
like, easy pickings now.
And what better gift to get The Monarch,
than his arch-nemesis?
Honey!
I'm going to start getting dressed.
I just want What the f?
Funny face! You're
- Hi.
- I can't believe you.
You couldn't keep a promise
for one lousy month?!
That's it. I'm calling this off.
No, no, no, no.
This isn't how it looks.
You've got Dr. Venture and
his whole f family in that f cell
and this isn't how it looks?
No. Of course not, pookums.
He's He's my best man.
You know, I wanted to prove to you
I was going to let bygones be bygones.
Turn over a new leaf.
Then why are they in our holding cell?
Because, well we were rehearsing
the whole ring thing, you know
and the blonde kid, he was all, like,
"Is that a real prison cell?"
And I'm like,
"Yeah, you want to see inside?"
And between you and me,
the kid's not the sharpest tack.
Pretty sure he thinks
we're in a submarine.
Where are we?
- See?
- All right, fine.
Well, I got to get ready.
The next time I see you,
we'll be man and wife.
Can't wait.
See you later
Mr. Girlfriend.
A bientôt,
Dr. Mrs. Monarch.
The Council of 13 has reviewed
your request and it is denied.
You are to commit no acts of vengeance
against The Monarch.
It matters not that
you were dumped.
And that's kinda you know.
- I understand, Sovereign.
- May I suggest you start a journal?
There you could pour out your woes
upon the tear-stained pages of dear diary.
That is an excellent suggestion,
my liege.
Or maybe go jogging with friends.
I shall do just that!
You honor me, my master.
So I have your word then?
No movement on The Monarch.
- You have my word.
- Excellent!
Well, I'm glad we got this wrapped up.
I've got a wedding to get to.
I'm gonna go.
I can't thank you jerks enough.
So, you and Manwich
are finally tying the knot, huh?
I always figured you for a closet case.
In your dreams, macho man.
I'm about to marry the hottest piece
of ass in Supervillainy.
- Why would you do this?
- What, be a henchman?
Yeah! Retardo costume, some skinny guy
yelling at you all the time
Dude, are you describing me or you?
- I don't wear a costume.
- What!? Are you drunk?
Where do you even buy
a baby blue kerchief?
I just said kerchief.
Dude, what, does your dad
use his time machine to go shopping?
Are the walls titanium,
or made of secret rocket-ship metal?
What? Who cares?
I know they're wicked easy to stain.
Then we can rule out
any chromium-based metals.
Those clean nicely with a damp cloth.
All right. I'll "rule that out."
So you like being a
- Dean?
- Yeah, a Dean.
That must kind of suck.
Come on, that voice!?
Sounds like a dude!
- Probably still half a dude.
- Hell-o, jealous much?
Excuse me,
but I am not the rough trade
in a tight camisole
with a naked guy tattooed on my arm!
It's not finished. Supposed to be Icarus.
You know, from the Led
Zeppelin albums, yeah, yeah.
Super f cool! When I was, like, 14.
Sweetie, it's bad luck
to see the bride before the wedding.
It's Doct Rusty Venture.
- I have something for you.
- Sorry.
I brought you something blue.
Me.
So
you agreed to be the best man.
That's rather big of you.
That's not the only thing
that's big of me.
Are you trying
to say something sexual?
Don't play games here Charlene.
Who is Charlene?
Why don't you two go help
Willy Wonka or something?
This is grown-up business.
Who is Charlene?!
Only the finest woman
in 18 years to steal my heart
only the sexiest pile of girl parts
to climb Mount Rusty.
What? I have no idea what you're
Oh, my God!
I'm here!
And I've got some fancy beer
and some chips
that are guaranteed to be extreme!
- How is that possible?
- I don't know.
By putting a lightning bolt on the bag.
Where's JT? I got him a surprise.
- He's setting up the apparatus.
- Apparatus? Sounds sexy.
Al, what is that?
I need earplugs to look at your shirt.
I'm in disguise as a paunchy gay guy
who loved Jimmy Buffett.
I thought
you were setting up an apparatus!
That's a pilates mat
and a baby's first birthday candle.
Orpheus is trying to hone
our conjuring skills.
Great. I'll try
to work up some interest.
But in the meanwhile,
what say you gents to
taking the edge off?
For one, it's only noon,
and two, I don't drink.
Drink. I know.
I have here, in this very bag
five packs of nickel nips.
Maybe after we have filled our bellies
with the super-natural.
There is much to do!
Yeah, like watch JT go blind
on red-flavored sugar water.
Orpheus, get the insulin!
It's been a while.
What's that?!
You say you're waxy good.
You tease.
I think I've still got
an old costume you can wear.
And before you say it,
I was much slimmer then.
I was gonna say
you have more toys than a little girl.
- What? Dude, there are no toys in here.
- What do you call that?
- That's a maquette.
- Doll. And that?
- That is a collectable bust.
- That is a toy.
How can you play
with a disembodied head?
Well, he could be like a
like an all-knowing head that tells
- Quisp?
- That tells Quisp that he has to kill
- The micronaut.
- Kill the micronaut.
- So do you wanna
- Only if I get to be that He-Man head.
I bet I know what I'd like to do.
Is it sit quietly
till the wedding begins?
No, silly! I would sure love
a tour of the engine room.
I've only read about engines
that run on anti-matter.
OK, there, junior science cadet.
Why don't you go exploring or something?
Just don't touch anything.
Aye-aye, sir. I'll touch with my eyes,
not with my hands.
Care to escort this cadet?
That's a negative, Cadet Dean
who really should be going now.
Under orders?
That's preposterous!
- You were all over me.
- That was my mission.
I seduce you,
turn you into a butterfly
and then The Monarch was going to tie you
to this huge bug zapper thing.
But you didn't!
You gave me the antidote. And why?
Because I turned the tables
and made you fall for me.
- You didn't even know it was me!
- Well, I do now.
And I put two and two together,
and that equals forever.
All right. Basics. You understand
that you're my boyfriend's archenemy?
You know how this works, right?
I know what works.
I know that we works.
And I know as sure as sugar
that you planned this whole thing.
Yes. Exactly.
That was my big dream.
I wanted to get The Monarch
and Dr. Venture together
and then do them both.
I'm not willing to share you.
You have to make a choice.
What's a girl to do?
Will you zip me up?
You kicked my moppets out.
Die! Die!
- I killed Hugo!
- You totally missed!
Oh, my God! So wrong!
Solarian has, like,
20/two billion vision.
Cool beans!
The beard comes off.
Hello-ski! I am, how you say,
Russian Guyovitch!
Hank, you should totally grow
one of those! You look like Green Arrow.
Or, like, the mirror mirror version of Hank!
- Yeah, Evil Hank!
- Yeah, Evil Hank, completely.
Crap, is that the time?
Dude, the guests will be here any minute
and I'm not even dressed!
Hello, Rusty,
it's time to get up!
OK, come on,
we've got work to do.
And then, like,
that wasn't enough
I ended up with a raging case
of crotch crickets.
And did I get an apology? Hell, no.
I got a, "I'll call you."
Still waiting for that chestnut.
OK, Byron, your turn.
Truth or dare.
You're actually talking to me?
Truth.
Did you really think you could get
a bunch of middle-aged men together
to chase bad guys around
and take it seriously?
Well, yes, I did,
as a matter of fact.
The Order of the Triad
has potential.
Potential?
When JT was conscious
he was throwing up
artificial cherry-flavored vomit.
And I'm a little
Busby Berkeley myself.
Just don't touch anything.
What could go wrong?
You know I'm on the PA
and not in your mind, right?
What? Yeah.
I wasn't going to push it.
- Good. Now get to the wedding.
- Okie-dokie.
- Good. You going to the ceremony?
- Yes sir.
The radar's been lit up
like a Christmas tree.
You got to get these radars to
The Monarch, pronto. Keep it hush, OK?
What is that?
- You seen my brother?
- Nah, he's probably sitting down
torturing Monstroso
with Snapple Facts.
Nah, I don't think Holy moly!
That guy is almost a truck!
Truckulese?
- Yeah.
- With a "T."
Here you are and your guest.
Came stag, friend.
This big ol' rig takes up two seats.
OK, but you only get
one bag of Jordan Almonds.
Bride's side,
fourth row, seats 6-7.
- Where am I sitting?
- You are
next to Sergeant Hatred and guest.
No.
Look at that, honey!
Look at that!
Tell me those aren't the monitors
from my old hover tank?
What the hell kind of a deal is this
what kind of a shabby
operation they running here?
You're not gonna
bad touch me, are you?
Do I know?
Honey, do we know him?
No! Hello-ski! I am
How you say?
Russian Guyovitch!
Sergeant Hatred, pleased to meet you!
This here's Princess Tiny Feet.
Show him, honey.
Show him the little gentlemen.
So she is.
Look at those
perfect little toes, so plump!
Like little nibblets!
Like little corn nibblets!
- Maize.
- That's right, honey!
Hot damn it!
Those things are beautiful!
Gimmie, gimmie!
Gimmie just a little! Gimmie just
- No way!
- Is that?
David Bowie.
- Brock Samson, it's been a while.
- Not long enough.
You're lucky I don't kill you right here
after what you pulled in Berlin.
You're welcome to try.
- What the hell are you doing here?
- He's giving me away.
You look fabulous!
Thank you so much for doing this, David.
And one, two
All right. Left foot on the one
but don't enter until the second verse!
I'll know when to go out.
- She's too good for you.
- Are you still mad at me?
What!? I'm suddenly supposed
to be your best friend?
I can't remember a day of my life
that you didn't f up.
Calm down. Look at all that history!
We have so much in common.
You don't know the half of it, buddy-boy.
What is that supposed to mean?
There she is!
Hi, pookums!
- I feel so dirty when they start talking cute.
- Get used to it.
I wanna tell her that I love her
but the point is probably moot.
Are you reciting Jessie"s Girl?
Sorry!
Dearly beloved
We just need to take it
more seriously.
The séance was going great.
Don't you remember
how light as a feather
and stiff as a board Jefferson was?
- He's still pretty stiff.
And we were able to materialize
a spirit from the beyond
or at least from a trading card.
Yeah. Poor guy.
Can we take him in the back
and kill him with a shovel or something?
Why am I bothering?
You don't care about this.
No. I care about
the true spirit of the divine!
I care about
the universal truth
but being a magic super hero
that keeps chasing the same guy?
It's completely gay!
And that is coming from a guy
that voluntarily has sex with men!
Well.
So does this mean it's over?
- Are we breaking up?
- I guess so.
Do you want me to pack up
my blackula hunter and leave quietly?
Come on, Byron, don't be
so ding-dong serious all the time!
Your Montel Williams
neck pin is blinking.
There is cosmic peril somewhere.
No, no, answer it!
I guess I'll just wait.
It says that Dr. Venture
and his entire family are in danger.
Then there was something about
hundreds of deaths. Like you care.
No! You old bag of sad!
That I care about!
That's the kind of cosmic ju-ju
I am interested in!
For I am, the Alchemist,
seeker of truth!
And I am Dr. Orpheus,
master necromancer!
And he is
Jefferson Twilight, blackula hunter!
Do you, Ms. Dr. The Girlfriend
take Mr. The Monarch to be
your lawfully wedded husband?
To have and to hold
in sickness, and in health
till death do you part?
I
Monarch, this is the Phantom Limb.
- You are surrounded.
- Dick move!
You have five minutes
to turn over my girlfriend
or I will destroy
your ridiculous cocoon
and all inside.
Ça, c'est de la bonne soupe