Tom Goes to the Mayor (2004) s02e15 Episode Script
Undercover
0
Be honest with me, honey.
Is it serious?
Looks like you have high levels of starch.
That's bad news.
That was a very special play
written and directed
by my husband Wayne.
Very well written.
But I'll tell you something
starch levels
are not a laughing matter.
It's no secret.
The children of Jefferton are plagued with toxic levels of starch in their diet.
And no one knows
where it's coming from.
But here's the good news.
We have with us a very special guest,
Dr. Sandy Winfield
who has created
an exciting new product
which helps us test
our own starch levels at home.
Thanks, guys. And thank you.
What would you say if I told you that you could test your own stool
in the middle of a busy, crowded street
in less than 10 minutes?
You wouldn't believe me, would you?
But now you can, with my new
Eez-Zee Stoolstrip Tester.
First things first.
Wet your stoolstrip
with your tongue.
Next, stick it into your stool and swish it around.
This is the fun part.
It's ready.
Hold it up to your eyeball and watch for the numbers to appear.
I almost forgot.
To make sure you're testing your own stool
and not your neighbor's
press on the thumb
identicator authenticators.
Hold it down with your thumbs
for up to two minutes.
It helps if you have
a little bit of stool on your thumb.
Too much starch!
Yes. Mayor's office.
Who's there, please?
- It's Tom Peters.
- Hey, Tom.
I wanted to tell you I got a case
of the good news/bad news.
Great. I'll take the bad news first.
All right. Well, the bad news is,
it turns out my stepsons
all have very high levels of starch in their system.
Oh, no.
I'm not sure if you're aware of the starch problem going on.
Yeah. My TV was just telling me about that starch problem.
- Real bummer.
- But the good news is
I've been testing their stool for starch
for about a week.
Brendon, remember not to flush.
I gotta check your stool for starch.
I've isolated the source of the starch
in the school cafeteria
but I must get in
and get some evidence.
- Undercover, Tom.
- Excuse me?
This is simple. You need to go undercover,
dress up like a student
break in the school, so you can get close
to those mashed potatoes.
- Yeah, I
- Tom, trust me on this.
I've thought this through.
I'll take an honorary Vice Principal position
so I can be your point man on the inside.
OK, just right off the bat,
I see one big problem.
My height. You know,
most kids in school are a little shorter.
Not to mention
the low sound of my voice.
Wait for it.
Great.
Peter, good to see you again.
Let me just explain
the height reduction procedure.
First, we'll remove your knee and entire shin bone.
Just get that out of there.
Then we're simply going to reattach your foot to the bottom of your thigh.
Now, voice augmentation is a fairly routine procedure.
What we do
is remove your vocal chords
and attach them to what looks like a high-tech rack of some sorts.
Hello, my name is Stanley.
Once the new pitch is found,
we simply reattach the vocal chords
to your vocal chord harness
back there, and
You know, I'm just not sure about this, guys.
Don't worry about it, Tom.
You don't have to do it.
Just for your information,
I did a computer simulation
of what your children
could look like in a few weeks
if they're exposed
to high levels of starch.
Shirt, that doesn't look good.
There's a new kid in town
Look at him go ♪
He's the head of the class
You know he's gonna
make that scene ♪
He's gonna live that dream
There's a new kid in town
Hey, dudes,
I'm the new kid around here.
Name's Wilson Briar.
Check this out.
- Cool tag, man. W'sup?
- Hey, bro, what's happening?
- Yo, yo, my name is Scrotch.
- Hey, Scrotch.
You and me should hang sometime.
I can tell you'll be great to roll with.
Hello, there.
Wednesday, October 8, 8:33 A.M.
The children have accepted me as one of their own.
Undercover Mission is off to a good start. Over.
Hello, class. Mayor here.
I'd like you all to meet
our new student, Wilson Briar.
- Man, I love these reds.
- Look at that friget.
Hey, Brendon. I mean, you friget.
Yo, Wilson, check it out.
No! Wilson, you crazy!
Actually, these are good 'tatoes.
Dudes, anybody got any reds?
I'd love a smoke after lunch.
He's so awesome. He's totally rad.
Tom Peters here, A.K.A. Wilson Briar.
Starch test in progress.
Potatoes are digesting and should turn into stool within the hour, over.
What the heck is this?
"I heart bad boyz."
Thank you, young lady.
I meanwhatevah, hot bitch.
Hey, Wilson.
How's your first day at school?
Mayor, I gotta tell you,
I think this is working out
- What's this?
- That's nothing. Somebody gave me that.
I don't know
what school you came from
but we certainly don't allow
love letters here.
Give me that, Wilson.
Note to self.
"Keep an eye on Wilson Briar.
"RE: Love letters and general hooliganistics."
Darn it!
Come on, get up.
Don't be a baby. You're gonna cry?
Get up, I said. Big head friget!
Why you lying there? What?
Your daddy drive a milk truck?
- Cotton candied apple face!
- Hey, Scrotch.
Yo, Wilson, look who I found.
Must be my birthday.
Look who it is.
Our little friget friend.
Take a shot. It's on the house.
Yo, Scrotch,
take a look at this beauty.
Damn! Oh, yeah!
Yeah! Oh, no! Yeah!
Sorry, son. It's your pap pap.
I don't mean to do this.
I'm doing it for you, son.
I love you guys and
I don't want to see you get sick.
Wilson, you're like
a big tiger, aren't you?
Stop, boys, come on.
What is going on here?
- Hey, Mayor. Sorry about this.
- Wilson, I should've known.
Get your little ass
in my office right now!
Hey, Scrotch.
You gotta check out this deuce
I just dropped. It's pretty sweet.
So, I should be able
to make a bowel movement
in about a half hour or so.
You've been a real naughty boy,
haven't you, Wilson?
All right, Mayor. I think we should drop the façade, now.
Wilson, Wilson,
what am I gonna do with you?
Get your ass up
on my desk right now!
All right, fair enough.
Time for a spanking, little boy.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Having some major problems with my point man on the inside.
I guess my disguise is just too good.
Must think of other options to expose the starch problems.
Must continue.
I'm doing this for my sons.
Come on, come on.
Stupid thing.
I knew it!
Starch levels are off the charts.
It's that darn cafeteria food!
Son? Brendon? Is that you?
It's me, your stepdad, Tom Peters.
Can you recognize me?
I was undercover and that's
why I had to beat you up earlier.
You know,
I did it for you, you know?
I just The only thing
I care about is you guys.
But you know what?
I think I kinda did it for myself, too.
For the first time in my life
I felt like people cared about me,
cared about who I was.
And I felt cool, I guess,
and maybe I let it get to my head
but I just felt like I fit in perfectly here,
on my own terms
as myself.
Come on, my little buster.
Keep the chin up.
Look, your pap pap's got
a whole big bag of fresh B.M
that proves he was right
the whole time.
Better get this down to City Council before it spoils.
Honey, that is so sweet of you.
It looks just like me.
No! Stop! This isn't right!
I'm sorry, sweetheart.
I'm on a detective mission here.
I'm an adult man.
Mr. Mayor
would you mind explaining again,
why exactly we are closing
all the schools in Jefferton
permanently?
Again, the food being served
in our school cafeterias
has dangerously
high amounts of starch.
And that's why
I had to shut them all down.
And now
Well, just waiting for
the new banners to change here.
I'd like to introduce you
to the man responsible
for solving this starch epidemic.
Fresh from his re-heightening surgery, Tom Peters!
Excuse me.
Thank you for
having
Abso-lutely.
Be honest with me, honey.
Is it serious?
Looks like you have high levels of starch.
That's bad news.
That was a very special play
written and directed
by my husband Wayne.
Very well written.
But I'll tell you something
starch levels
are not a laughing matter.
It's no secret.
The children of Jefferton are plagued with toxic levels of starch in their diet.
And no one knows
where it's coming from.
But here's the good news.
We have with us a very special guest,
Dr. Sandy Winfield
who has created
an exciting new product
which helps us test
our own starch levels at home.
Thanks, guys. And thank you.
What would you say if I told you that you could test your own stool
in the middle of a busy, crowded street
in less than 10 minutes?
You wouldn't believe me, would you?
But now you can, with my new
Eez-Zee Stoolstrip Tester.
First things first.
Wet your stoolstrip
with your tongue.
Next, stick it into your stool and swish it around.
This is the fun part.
It's ready.
Hold it up to your eyeball and watch for the numbers to appear.
I almost forgot.
To make sure you're testing your own stool
and not your neighbor's
press on the thumb
identicator authenticators.
Hold it down with your thumbs
for up to two minutes.
It helps if you have
a little bit of stool on your thumb.
Too much starch!
Yes. Mayor's office.
Who's there, please?
- It's Tom Peters.
- Hey, Tom.
I wanted to tell you I got a case
of the good news/bad news.
Great. I'll take the bad news first.
All right. Well, the bad news is,
it turns out my stepsons
all have very high levels of starch in their system.
Oh, no.
I'm not sure if you're aware of the starch problem going on.
Yeah. My TV was just telling me about that starch problem.
- Real bummer.
- But the good news is
I've been testing their stool for starch
for about a week.
Brendon, remember not to flush.
I gotta check your stool for starch.
I've isolated the source of the starch
in the school cafeteria
but I must get in
and get some evidence.
- Undercover, Tom.
- Excuse me?
This is simple. You need to go undercover,
dress up like a student
break in the school, so you can get close
to those mashed potatoes.
- Yeah, I
- Tom, trust me on this.
I've thought this through.
I'll take an honorary Vice Principal position
so I can be your point man on the inside.
OK, just right off the bat,
I see one big problem.
My height. You know,
most kids in school are a little shorter.
Not to mention
the low sound of my voice.
Wait for it.
Great.
Peter, good to see you again.
Let me just explain
the height reduction procedure.
First, we'll remove your knee and entire shin bone.
Just get that out of there.
Then we're simply going to reattach your foot to the bottom of your thigh.
Now, voice augmentation is a fairly routine procedure.
What we do
is remove your vocal chords
and attach them to what looks like a high-tech rack of some sorts.
Hello, my name is Stanley.
Once the new pitch is found,
we simply reattach the vocal chords
to your vocal chord harness
back there, and
You know, I'm just not sure about this, guys.
Don't worry about it, Tom.
You don't have to do it.
Just for your information,
I did a computer simulation
of what your children
could look like in a few weeks
if they're exposed
to high levels of starch.
Shirt, that doesn't look good.
There's a new kid in town
Look at him go ♪
He's the head of the class
You know he's gonna
make that scene ♪
He's gonna live that dream
There's a new kid in town
Hey, dudes,
I'm the new kid around here.
Name's Wilson Briar.
Check this out.
- Cool tag, man. W'sup?
- Hey, bro, what's happening?
- Yo, yo, my name is Scrotch.
- Hey, Scrotch.
You and me should hang sometime.
I can tell you'll be great to roll with.
Hello, there.
Wednesday, October 8, 8:33 A.M.
The children have accepted me as one of their own.
Undercover Mission is off to a good start. Over.
Hello, class. Mayor here.
I'd like you all to meet
our new student, Wilson Briar.
- Man, I love these reds.
- Look at that friget.
Hey, Brendon. I mean, you friget.
Yo, Wilson, check it out.
No! Wilson, you crazy!
Actually, these are good 'tatoes.
Dudes, anybody got any reds?
I'd love a smoke after lunch.
He's so awesome. He's totally rad.
Tom Peters here, A.K.A. Wilson Briar.
Starch test in progress.
Potatoes are digesting and should turn into stool within the hour, over.
What the heck is this?
"I heart bad boyz."
Thank you, young lady.
I meanwhatevah, hot bitch.
Hey, Wilson.
How's your first day at school?
Mayor, I gotta tell you,
I think this is working out
- What's this?
- That's nothing. Somebody gave me that.
I don't know
what school you came from
but we certainly don't allow
love letters here.
Give me that, Wilson.
Note to self.
"Keep an eye on Wilson Briar.
"RE: Love letters and general hooliganistics."
Darn it!
Come on, get up.
Don't be a baby. You're gonna cry?
Get up, I said. Big head friget!
Why you lying there? What?
Your daddy drive a milk truck?
- Cotton candied apple face!
- Hey, Scrotch.
Yo, Wilson, look who I found.
Must be my birthday.
Look who it is.
Our little friget friend.
Take a shot. It's on the house.
Yo, Scrotch,
take a look at this beauty.
Damn! Oh, yeah!
Yeah! Oh, no! Yeah!
Sorry, son. It's your pap pap.
I don't mean to do this.
I'm doing it for you, son.
I love you guys and
I don't want to see you get sick.
Wilson, you're like
a big tiger, aren't you?
Stop, boys, come on.
What is going on here?
- Hey, Mayor. Sorry about this.
- Wilson, I should've known.
Get your little ass
in my office right now!
Hey, Scrotch.
You gotta check out this deuce
I just dropped. It's pretty sweet.
So, I should be able
to make a bowel movement
in about a half hour or so.
You've been a real naughty boy,
haven't you, Wilson?
All right, Mayor. I think we should drop the façade, now.
Wilson, Wilson,
what am I gonna do with you?
Get your ass up
on my desk right now!
All right, fair enough.
Time for a spanking, little boy.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Having some major problems with my point man on the inside.
I guess my disguise is just too good.
Must think of other options to expose the starch problems.
Must continue.
I'm doing this for my sons.
Come on, come on.
Stupid thing.
I knew it!
Starch levels are off the charts.
It's that darn cafeteria food!
Son? Brendon? Is that you?
It's me, your stepdad, Tom Peters.
Can you recognize me?
I was undercover and that's
why I had to beat you up earlier.
You know,
I did it for you, you know?
I just The only thing
I care about is you guys.
But you know what?
I think I kinda did it for myself, too.
For the first time in my life
I felt like people cared about me,
cared about who I was.
And I felt cool, I guess,
and maybe I let it get to my head
but I just felt like I fit in perfectly here,
on my own terms
as myself.
Come on, my little buster.
Keep the chin up.
Look, your pap pap's got
a whole big bag of fresh B.M
that proves he was right
the whole time.
Better get this down to City Council before it spoils.
Honey, that is so sweet of you.
It looks just like me.
No! Stop! This isn't right!
I'm sorry, sweetheart.
I'm on a detective mission here.
I'm an adult man.
Mr. Mayor
would you mind explaining again,
why exactly we are closing
all the schools in Jefferton
permanently?
Again, the food being served
in our school cafeterias
has dangerously
high amounts of starch.
And that's why
I had to shut them all down.
And now
Well, just waiting for
the new banners to change here.
I'd like to introduce you
to the man responsible
for solving this starch epidemic.
Fresh from his re-heightening surgery, Tom Peters!
Excuse me.
Thank you for
having
Abso-lutely.