8 Simple Rules (2002) s02e16 Episode Script

1
Are you sure you have to go?
- Yeah; I'll call you later.
- Okay.
Ho, ho, ho.
What's wrong, Kerry?
What? Are you blind?
Her boyfriend didn't even
kiss her goodbye.
Stiffed at the door.
Rejected; Shot down; The hisman!!
Nice.
Guys; Knock it off!
You're so insensitive.
These things happen to everyone.
It's happened to you?
The heisman? Oh, yeah, right?
Oh, Daaaad
Look who got a letter
from moooom!!
Oooohhh!
Uuuuhhh!
The nice stationery;
The perfume
I wonder what it is
I wonder what a lonely woman
who cast out the best thing
that ever happened to her
could possibly want
Cate; Would you
do the honors?
Dad; It's your letter.
- No, no, no
Begging always sounds
better out loud.
All right; Okay.
"Dear Jim; I love you."
Ohh Uhhh!
"I'll always love you"
Ohh Uhhh!
"But I'm seeing someone else".
Uhhh!
Oh! She's seeing
someone else.
Sorry, dude.
In a letter, mom?
48 years together
and you tell dad
you're seeing someone
else in a letter?
Ah..ha!
More humane?
Right;
Well; Is that why
you sent the picture
of the two of you in a hammock?
Look; I realy don't
think it matters
one way or the other
if I think he's cute!
We're not 16.
Oh
Well, I don't know a 4!
Look, mom; He's not half
as attractive as dad.
What the hell is that?!
Look, mom, I'm gonna call you
back later. Yeah, Okay, Bye!
Hey, dad;
How you doing?
- Fine.
Are you sure?
I mean, you've been
awfully quiet ever
since you got that
letter from mom.
Com'ooon!
Your mom can do as she
chooses. She's a big girl.
Granted, she wasn't quite
as big when I married her.
You see? I knew it.
You're angry.
No, no. I think you're
the angry one.
You know; Split-ups are
toughest on the kids.
Hey, honey.
What's all this?
I'm highlighting Kerry's hair
so Kyle will notice her.
Why is she doing that?
Her hair is beautiful.
Mom; It's okay.
She can't hear us.
It is!
I knooow!
It's okay. I kept the
music on. She can't hear us.
Hey, Bridg';
Go talk to your grandpa.
What?
I just want you to know
I know what you're
going through.
If you're gonna talk about this,
I'm gonna get up
and go to my room.
Hum..mm.
How'd you know I was bluffing?
Mmm The part about getting up.
So, talk to me.
BRIDGET!!
I think your sister
wants you, darling
I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!!
LOOK AT ME!
You said you were
gonna highlight my hair!!
I look like 'Dolly Parton'!!
I'm sorry; I'm sorry!
Now, look, Kerry; Just calm down.
It really doesn't look
that ba-
Oh! I'm sorry, honey
Just sit down sit down.
Oh, my!
Oh, my! You really do look
like 'Dolly Parton'
Mom!
Honey; Come on!
She's the queen of country.
Woh! 'Papa Bear'!
Somebody's been sitting
in my chair.
And she's still there.
- Nice!
- Nice!
Now, look, Kerry;
I will call Sylvia at
the Salon, immediately.
She is great with disasters.
It looks fine!
Oh, my God! That's Kyle.
He can't see me like this.
Relax. I'll take care of it.
Okay; Tell him I'm sick
and I'll call him later.
I said I'll take care of it.
-Look!!
-Rory!!
Rory; Is there anything you wish
you could say to your father?
I miss him.
And, what do you think your
father would say to you?
He'd say
Rory
I think you should have that Dick
Dale classic stratocaster,
with the custom-fitted
whammy bars
featured in Quentin
Tarantino's Pulp Fiction.
- Nice try.
- Very nice try.
Bridget; You've been
awfully silent
I'm Kerry.
Oh, sorry; The hair.
It was an accident.
There are no accidents; Kerry.
I can't believe you just
called me 'Bridget'
Don't just sit there, Kerry.
Thank him.
Girls.
You know; I hate this.
Today I was reading an article,
and I couldn't understand it.
It's lile being blond
has made me stupider.
More stupid.
- Ahh!!
Girls.
All right.
So, are we normal yet?
Who's to say what's normal?
You, at these prices.
You didn't have much to
say today either, Cate.
How are you doing?
I keep busy.
No, doctor. She
burns herself out
doing everything for us,
and grandpa and C.J.
Cate;
It's time to take
care of yourself.
How do I do that?
Treat yourself.
Do something you've never done
before -something impulsive.
Well, you know, Paul always
wanted to go skydiving
for our 25th wedding
anniversary; Ah!
But I'm not gonna go jumping
out of some damn airplane.
Well; What's your skydiving?
Mmm I don't know.
Singing, I guess.
Singing?
She's a great singer.
- Kiss-ass
Bridget?
I mean, I do. I sing
in the church choir
but ever since I
was a little girl
I allways had this
fantasy about singing.
You know, like a real singer.
Tell me about that
little girl's fantasy.
Well, It's the same as
any little girl's fantasy.
You know, a 'Smoky Bar'
a sequined cocktail dress.
A brandy snifter filled
with singles on the piano.
Actually, that's my fantasy.
Shrink humor.
So, how come you
never pursued it?
Well, my dad is a
very practical man.
And he just thought that
kind of stuff was frivolous.
Grandpa stopped you?
Mom, you always tell us
we can do anything.
Oh, honey, I have to say that.
Well; That's 10
more sessions.
Come on, now;
It's just really a
very silly fantasy.
It's not like something that
I would ever actually, -Cate
Go skydiving.
La, la, la ♪
Cate.
Mmm ♪
Yes, dad?
Dad; I like to sing.
Don't you think I
have a nice voice?
Well, sure, honey. But, uh
Grandma, you like him;
You know you do.
You so-o-o-o, are
gonna marry him.
You will marry him.
I bet you do.
C.J.
Is Paco there right now?
Oh, he isn't? Why
are you giggling?
Ha, ha! You're a naughty
grammy; I didn't know that.
Not now, mom.
C.J.!
Oh, uh sorry, grandpa
I forgot you and grandma
were kind of a thing.
Oh, you were on the
phone with Laura?
You should have said 'Hi' for me.
Come here, C.J.
I'm worried about dad.
He seems happy.
I'll take care of that.
- No, no, no..no.
This is what he does.
He's buring his feelings.
- Ahh.
He's only happy
on the outside.
He won't talk to
me or the kids.
He just won't open up.
He needs a man to talk to.
So, C.J., Can you
make some calls?
Hey; I'm a man
I have manlike qualities.
Uh, I don't know
if you've noticed
but he kind of hates my guts.
Oh
C.J.; You love him, don't you?
Go talk to him. Take
him somewhere.
Show him a good time.
It's too cold to
feed the pigeons.
Then take him to a ball game.
- I don't know
I'll pay you.
- I can make it work.
Ay, ay, ay!
Grandpa; Hot babe
at nine o'clock.
That's not nine o'clock.
More like 8:15, you idiot.
Oh, here comes the
dreaded friend.
Listen; You were in Korea; Right?
I need you to dive
on a grenade for me.
- What?
I need you to be my wingman.
Oh; They got wings
here? I love wings.
Not wings. Wingman! All right?
I need you to talk to the buddy
while I make me move.
Maybe throw in that
I'm an astronaut.
Gotcha!
Hey, girls!
Hey Ladies!
He's 32, broke, unemployed. You
better get him
before he gets away.
He's
What's wrong with you?
I don't want to be here
I'm only here 'cos
Cate made me.
Well, she paid me!
Yeah, well, then, you're buying.
Can I see you I.D.?
Have you got any scotch
older than that line?
This is happy hour.
We don't serve grumpy people.
Well;Who died and
made you owner?
My husband.
Sorry
I'll have a beer today.
Wow, gramps. It's like
'Sam and Diane-osaur'
One beer for the skipper.
What's 'Gilligan' gonna have?
Uh, I'll have a light
beer, 'Mrs Howell'
One, draft, one light.
Oh, boy!
What?
- Ah light beer; Only
sissies drink light beer.
Light beer is what's
wrong with this country.
You know; When the 'angry
old man' primaries come up.
You should run on
that platform.
Hey; Go ahead, make fun
But real men, real beer.
Ahh!
I gotta go to the bathroom.
Kerry
I know you're
mad about your hair.
And I know I probably should
have 'read the directions'
but, until Sylvia gets
back from vacation
I have a little
surprise for you!!
Oh; This is so sweet
of you, Bridget. Thanks.
You know, 'cause I've
always wanted
to look like 'An Irish Setter'!!
Kerry:
No, you don't. You look
more like 'Howard Stern'.
- Ew!
Guys; Are grandpa
and C.J. gone yet?
Yeah, mom. What's up?
Well, I'm going out
Don't stay up too late.
Mom; What's going on?
- Yeah; You look all nervous.
Well, I am kind of nervous.
Yesterday I took the plunge
I signed up to sing at
an open-mic night.
Tonight is 'The night'.
Mom; That's great.
- That's so cool!
- That's awesome!
- Yeah
I wasn't gonna say anything
'cause it's well,
personal. But
I'm really scared.
- Don't be scared -You're
gonna be awesome -So great.
You know;
Why don't you guys come with me?
- I'm not going out.
- I'm busy -I can't.
I'm sorry. Let me
rephrase that.
Get you coats; Now!
Mom, I can't go
out looking like this.
- Oh sweetie
Now!
Oh, thank you, kids!
Thank you so much.
It means, so much to me!
Well, Paul
Guess who's going skydiving?
Okay, so, in summary
You get low
You cram the nose bone
up, into the brain
kills him instantly.
So, anybody want
to buy me a drink?
Get lost!
Okay; I'll come back at last call
when you're a little
bit more yourself
Ay, ay, ay
Smooth!
Yeah, well; I think if anyone
should sympathize with me,
it should be you.
You're comparing striking
out with bar chicks,
with my, losing my wife?
Look; I'm trying to do
a good deed here
and get a senior citizen
hammered; All right?
It's not like I don't
have my own stuff.
I'm 32 and I got
nothing; Zip; Zero.
- Thirty-two? Thirty-two?!!
- Here we go!
You've got your whole
life ahead of you.
Oh boy! Complaining about 32' is
like complaining about
a movie five minutes in.
Calm down, gramps. It's okay.
He's a little dizzy
from all the urinating.
When I was a young man,
I was digging ditches.
You were a ditch digger?
You bet; In all kinds of weather.
My hands were all calloused
and cut up, and I loved it.
Of course you loved it.
'cos digging ditches is-¿?
I don't know. There's
nothing positive
about digging ditches. It sucks!
I loved it because I was
working towards something
I was building a life, a
family to come home to.
Now marriage, gone;
Home, gone. Work, gone.
What's my legacy
after all these years?
A twin bed in my
daughter's basement
I guess that trumps
your 'Zip' and 'Zero'
And so excuse me if
I don't get all misty
over the plight of being 32.
There goes happy
on the outside.
Wow, It's crowded.
How come grandpa
didn't have to come?
I mean, get to.
Honestly, he make
me kind of nervous
I use to sing around the
house when I was a little girl,
and just one, I wanted
a little approval
I just wanted to hear my dad say-
-Oh! Hot guys right there!
We're gonna get a table; Come on!
Hi!
God; How do I look?
Like 'Kenny' from 'South Park'
You ever hear that old saying:
"You want to make God laugh,
just tell him your plans"?
Well; Nothing worked
out the way I planed.
Legacy
I don't even have a son
to carry on my name
I love my girls, of course, but
it would have been
nice to have a son
to throw the ball
around with.
You know; You do
have a grandson.
Yeah; There's Rory.
You know, gramps;
Those cracks, hurt.
Do you ever think that
maybe, just maybe
I would have turned
out a little better,
if you'd paid a little
more attention to me?
If maybe you'd ask me to
throw the-
I'm sorry. I can't even
keep a straight face.
You call yourself
a grandson?
You call yourself
a grandfather?
You're like the bad trees
in "The Wizard of Oz".
"My apples aren't
rotten!" Hee!
Hey!
Stop it!
You two babies;
No wonder you fight.
You're exactly the same.
Now, why don't you just
shake hands, make up,
and stop scaring
my lady customers.
Here; Put something
in your mouth!
You know, I hate
to say it, but
'Miss Kitty' may be right.
Well; You're the one
scaring the ladies away.
No, about making up.
Should we shake?
- Oh, sure
Then we put on dresses
and kiss each other.
You're not the first guy
to have his wife leave him.
You might be the oldest, but-
Are you done? I got to
go to the men's room.
There the old guy goes again.
Who had 9:15 in the pool?
You know, that old guy
happens to be the toughest
guy I've ever met.
He dug ditches; All right?
Why? I have no idea.
But you're lucky he's letting
me tell you to shut up or
we'd be taking this outside.
You want to mix
it up with me?
Okay, let's go.
Hey!
You leave my
grandson alone.
Yeah
I think that sounded a lot
more threatening in your head.
My wife left me and I'm
living in a basement.
So you want to
deal with that?
Okay, okay; Lighten up!
Jeez!
That was cool, grandpa.
Yeah, well, I always wanted
to stand shoulder to shoulder
with my son in a barroom fight.
- All right.
Aw, Gee!
I didn't know he
was in a wheelchair.
You didn't? I did.
Let's get the hell out of here!
Yeah! Go, mom!!
All right!
My old man ♪
I'm a chip off the old block ♪
My old man ♪
Cate?
Oh, Yeah; I kind of brought
you here for another reason
I thought you might
want to see this.
You know what that is up
there? Your legacy.
She's amazing. You
know, life sometimes-
Shhh shh.
My baby girl's singing
daddy's shoes ♪
I got his misery ♪
I got good company ♪
I guess I'll always be
my daddy's girl ♪
You spend a lifetime saying
'This is who I am' ♪
Ohh ohhh ♪
Then you find yourself ♪
saying something you
don't understand ♪
You look in the mirror ♪
and there you are ♪
my old man ♪
I'm a chip off
the old block ♪
My old man is a ♪
That's my daughter.
Oh?! She's lovely.
You do good work.
Speaking of work;
We close at 01:00
forever walkin' ♪
in my daddy's shoes ♪
Hey; I saw her first.
I've got good company ♪
I guess I'll always be
my daddy's girl ♪
Yes, I'll always be
my ♪
daaaaaaaaaddy's girl ♪
That's my girl!!
Go mom!! -Whoo, mom!!
- All right!!
Thank you, Rory;
Thank you Bridget;
Oh!! Kerry, we are dying that
hair back tomorrow.
Oohh Can we wait
like a week or two?
Nooo.
Oh dad! What are
you doing here?
My grandson brought me.
- Ha, ha.
You sing like an angel.
Oh!
Oh, dad; That's
That's just
great to hear.
Thank you.
- No, no
Thank you.
For what?
I wouldn't know
where to begin.
Oh, dad.
♫
OOo
oOo