United States of Al (2021) s02e16 Episode Script

Mm. That omelet was delicious.
Feel like I'm at a bed and breakfast.
Mm. Hope I get a good Yelp review.
My yelp was the review.
Hey, stop being dirty.
The kids are coming.
Good morning.
Morning, Lois.
Your dad was just making me breakfast.
Yeah, he was.
Calm down, we're all adults here.
Yeah, you are.
Hey, fellas.
Good morning.
Ah, Lois, I had a
hunch, but this confirms
that you are beautiful
at all hours of the day.
Hey, I saw her first.
Yeah, you did.
Ah. I got to run.
Here, I'll walk you out.
No, you stay here so your
kids can make fun of you.
- Bye, everyone.
- Buh-bye.
Bye.
- Dad, you okay?
- Shh.
Mr. Art, what's wrong?
Ah, my gout's flaring up again.
When did it start?
In bed, at the worst possible moment.
I was making all the right
sounds for the wrong reasons.
That was you? Thought there
was a hurt animal outside.
I-I'm sorry, w-what is gout?
It's like a kind of arthritis
you get from having a bad diet.
Oh, we call it nikres.
That is very serious.
Eh, it's fine, comes and goes.
Why you hiding it from Lois?
It's embarrassing.
Makes me look like an old man.
Oh, you're afraid she's
gonna figure it out?
What'd you have for dinner last night?
- That's none of your damn business.
- Dad.
It was an Outback Steakhouse.
If you order a salad,
they take you out back.
- This is worse than it's ever been.
- I know.
He needs to go to a doctor.
- You should tell him.
- You should tell him.
Both of you are afraid to
talk to your own father?
Afraid? No.
Going to? Also no.
Hey, what you doing over there?
Trying to start a union?
Lizzie has something
she wants to tell you.
Dad, we're all concerned about you,
and we think maybe you
should go to a doctor.
Doctor? What's a doctor gonna say?
I don't know. I'm not a doctor.
Although, it's never too late.
See, that's the problem with you kids.
Every time you get a little paper cut,
you call an ambulance.
- But you're clearly in pain.
- So?
My uncle accidentally
shot my father hunting.
Did he complain? No.
He just shot my uncle right back.
Did my uncle complain? No.
Those were men.
Mr. Art, at least do it for
the people who care about you.
I'm not going in so they
can run a bunch of tests,
say a bunch of gibberish,
and charge me up the yin-yang.
- Yin-yang?
- Ass.
- Dad
- Drop it.
The last thing I need is some doctor
poking around under the hood.
The hood?
I think ass again.
So
how about that girl you been seeing?
She still in the picture?
Yeah, she's fine.
What about your daughter?
Anything going on there?
Mm, not really.
I mean, she's terrific.
What about your therapist?
You talking to him at all?
I'm sorry. I just
got-got a lot on my mind.
It's all right. I get
paid no matter what.
It's my dad.
He's got gout. He's
not taking it seriously.
Let me guess, man likes his steak.
And his beer and cake
and Scotch and cigars.
Is he a big man?
You mean fat?
Ah, your word, not mine.
He's more like a bowling
ball than a bowling pin.
The crazy part is he
refuses to go to the doctor.
Yeah, I get it.
- You do?
- Yeah.
You ever have a car
you were afraid to take to a mechanic
because you're afraid
of what kind of mess
he's gonna find under the hood?
That's exactly what he said.
Well, he didn't make it up.
A lot of us belong to that club.
Well, I think it's dumb.
Definitely dumb.
So, why do you do it?
Fear.
Of what?
Dying, stupid.
You know, young bucks like
you, you have the luxury
of looking at your mortality
like it's a movie you might see someday.
You laugh at it. You flirt with it.
Half the time, you
dare it to come get you.
But the closer you get to
it being a real thing
Doc?
I'm still here.
So, what do I do?
Take him to Iguazu
Falls in South America.
I've always wanted to
see that before I go.
It's like ten Niagaras.
Mr. Art, I have something
to make you feel better.
Mm, you gonna make LeBron
move back to Cleveland?
This is a paste of ginger,
onion, garlic, and turmeric.
It is my mother's secret remedy.
Am I supposed to eat that?
No, I rub it on your feet.
- How about you rub it on a steak?
- Ooh
You should stop eating meat
for at least six months.
Sure, then I should teach myself German
and mud wrestle the Queen. Come on.
I hate to see you in pain.
Well, I see three
doors that can fix that.
Fine.
If I am such a bother to you,
I won't waste my time
trying to help you.
You're on your own.
Thank you.
Hm.
Oh, come on, you know
I have to help you.
Please let me put this on your foot.
No.
You don't like it, try to run away.
What if we load him up with cough syrup,
put him in the car, and
take him to the doctor?
Isn't that kidnapping?
Not if you don't ask for money.
Well, that is a man who
does not want to be helped.
What happened?
He kicked me when I tried to put
onion, turmeric, ginger,
and garlic on his feet.
I feel like that would just
make him hungry.
Yes, that is one of the side effects.
Hello.
Hello, Lois.
It's Awalmir. You know me as Al.
I know. You do this every time.
What's up?
Oh, I was just working
at the grocery store,
and there are some beautiful
ruby red grapefruits on
sale, and I thought to myself,
"Who might enjoy some
ruby red grapefruit?"
And a voice inside me said,
"Lois, Lois, Lois."
- Well, thanks for the tip.
- So
now that I have given you the
good news about the grapefruit,
would it be really nosy of me
if I asked how much you love Mr. Art?
A little, but since you asked,
I love him a lot.
Uh-huh. Now, what about
if he only had one foot?
Uh, I don't know. I guess?
That is not the answer
I was looking for.
What's going on?
He has gout.
What? He was fine yesterday.
He is hiding it because he is too proud,
and he refuses to see a doctor.
Well, that sounds like Art Dugan.
I'll talk to him.
Thank you, Lois.
No, thank you for
giving me the heads-up.
But, of course,
you can't tell him that
I told you about this.
So, what am I supposed to
say when he asks how I know?
See, now that is something
I'd like you to figure out.
We can talk about it when
I drop off the grapefruits.
- Hello.
- Oh, hey, Lois.
What a treat.
Oh!
Ah, my foot must've fallen asleep
- while I was sitting there.
- Don't bother.
I know about the gout.
Oh. Who's the snitch?
They all called me, but only
Al brought me grapefruit.
Those sneaky little
Because they love you, you idiot.
Now, here, let me help you.
I got it, I got it.
I need you to go see a doctor.
Eh, don't worry, I'll be fine.
You know, I'm willing
to take care of a man,
but only if he's willing
to take care of himself.
Is that a threat?
You bet.
I'm getting pretty sick of
people telling me what to do.
You know, I'm not so much
telling you what to do.
I'm telling you what I'm gonna do.
Which is get in my car, go home,
and wait for your phone call
telling me you went to see a doctor.
And that's the next
time I'm gonna see you.
Oh, who was that?
Oh, you snitching rat bastard.
Oh, good, she came.
Hey, before we get to the doctor,
how about we stop at the
VFW bar for a quick drink?
Nice try.
Come on,
we all know what's gonna happen.
Doctor's gonna look at my
foot, make a super serious face,
and tell me not to enjoy my life.
Let's just have one last round,
like a tiny, sad Mardi Gras.
Nice try.
This could be a good thing.
You ever think of that?
Not once.
If he tells you to exercise,
we can work out together.
- We could play golf.
- Yeah.
At the 19th hole, I can
get a sugar-free lemonade
and beat my own head
in with a nine-iron.
Oh, come on, with that head,
you'd need at least a five-iron.
If he tells you to eat less meat,
we could try grilling plant burgers.
Plant burgers?
Aw, my poor grill.
He deserves better.
We could still grill fish.
Hey, that's not funny.
There's Quincy's Bar, pull over.
You didn't seriously put on
the child locks, did you?
Yes.
Why are we still waiting?
I already gave them my
blood. What more do they want?
Hang in there.
Geez. There ought to
be a rule, you know,
if the doc takes
longer than a half hour,
the appointment's free.
I think you're describing a pizza.
Oh, God, pizza.
I'm never gonna have pizza again.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
Although, looking at these records,
you've been keeping us
waiting for about a decade.
Yeah, I've been busy being happy.
So, the gout can be
treated with some medication
and basic lifestyle changes.
Here we go.
But I'm concerned with your blood work.
Your A1C shows you're
already prediabetic.
Aren't we all prediabetic?
No.
And your cholesterol and triglycerides
are off the charts.
Do you ever have shortness of breath
climbing up stairs?
No.
You huff and puff
getting out of your chair.
That's not what she asked.
Do you ever have chest
pain with exertion?
Not really.
Not really?
It's not a pain, just
a little tightness.
- No big deal.
- Okay.
I'm gonna send you to the ER
for an arteriogram,
make sure there's no
blockage of an artery.
That sounds serious.
We'll find out.
An artery? We came here for my foot.
Those are really far apart.
I'm gonna call the hospital
and let them know you're coming.
See? Poking under the hood.
Hey.
Hey, Lizzie, is Hazel there?
Yeah.
Okay, I don't want her to
freak out, so repeat after me,
"What do you mean there's
a sale at the craft store?"
What do you mean there's
a sale at the craft store?
Dad has to have emergency surgery.
What?
We should get some glitter.
Doctor asked for some tests.
Dad's got an artery that's not great,
so they're just putting in a stent.
- Now?
- Calm down.
He's lucky they caught
it before it got worse.
I'll call you in an hour.
All right? Just hang tight
and, uh, take care of Hazel for me.
Okay.
- Let me get my coat.
- For what?
Aren't we going to the craft store?
Yes.
Look at the bright side, Mr. Art.
50% of your artery
- isn't blocked.
- Hey, that's a good point.
You'd still take I-70 if only
two lanes were closed.
I wish you two would just shut up.
Come on, you'll be back on your
feet and complaining in an hour.
Yeah, unless they find something else.
My buddy went in for a stent,
and they ended up doing a triple bypass.
And they probably saved his life.
You and your friend are
both lucky to have access
to this marvel called modern medicine.
Whatever happens, you'll be good.
You're a tough son of a bitch.
That is no way to talk
about your grandmother.
Okay, Mr. Dugan, time to get you shaved.
Sure. I don't too much hair on my chest.
Uh, no, the doctor goes in
through an artery in the groin.
My groin?
Well, take care, Pop.
Okay, good deal.
Thanks. See you soon.
Hey, listen.
So, when your dad and Al
took Grampy to the doctor,
they found something
wrong with his heart,
so he had to have a little surgery.
- Is he okay?
- Yeah.
It was just a minor procedure.
He's fine. There's no
reason to get upset.
Okay.
So, let's do him a favor
and get rid of all the junk food.
Wait, what?
He needs to start eating healthier.
But I don't.
Sorry, it's got to go.
You can't just throw this all away.
Our trash will be too
delicious. We'll get raccoons.
So, what?
You want to eat it all
before he gets home?
I want to try.
You'll make yourself sick.
Better me than the poor raccoons.
Well, when you're right, you're right.
Hey. How you doing?
Ah, it was a blast.
Don't go through life
without getting a stent.
Ah, it's very good to see you still have
your humor, Mr. Art.
Doctor said they ended
up putting in two stents.
Oh, great, so they upsold
me while I was unconscious?
Lois is waiting outside.
Aw, no.
She said you don't have to see her
if you're not feeling up to it.
I'd rather see her than you two.
You're feeling better already.
Hey, Al.
Sorry I kicked you.
Eh, it's all right.
I'm sure it hurt you
more than it hurt me.
Yeah, it really did.
- Hey.
- Hey.
We'll be waiting outside.
How you feeling?
- Lucky.
- Same here.
Yeah.
Hey, thank you.
If you hadn't lit a fire under me,
I don't know what would've happened.
Thank you for not
making me dump your ass.
You weren't really
gonna do that, were you?
I definitely was.
Wow, that's cold.
Sorry, you're more fun alive.
Well, they said you can
go home in a few hours.
Great.
And I looked it up.
Apparently, after you get a stent,
you can have sex anytime you want,
you don't have to wait.
Oh. Well, don't be surprised
when the carpet matches the drapes.
All right, kiddo,
time to learn to love some vegetables.
- I don't like it.
- Yeah, me neither.
Where should we start?
- I'm thinking carrot.
- All right.
Sweet, crunchy,
and if you squint,
you can pretend it's a Cheeto.
Plus, they help you see in the dark.
Actually, that's British propaganda.
- Really?
- Yeah, they put the story out
so the Germans wouldn't know
they were using radar technology
to shoot down their bombers at night.
Wow, they're sweet, and
they helped defeat the Nazis.
Good job, carrot.
Okay, what's next?
Snap peas.
This does nothing for me.
You're not winning any wars with these.
Water break.
Ah
That's the tastiest thing
we're gonna have all day.
All right, we've been
putting it off long enough.
Cauliflower.
I'll see you on the other side.
Okay, not bad.
Yeah.
I can't do it.
Power through, just power through.
Ugh, it's got a bad aftertaste.
It's got a bad during taste.
Chase it with a carrot. Quick!
Good job, carrot.