United States of Al (2021) s02e17 Episode Script


1 You know, a lot of people complain about March Mud season, taxes coming up but I love it.
Patrick's Day goes straight into March Madness.
That goes straight into baseball.
Boom! Another beautiful spin around the sun.
I don't know why you're in such a good mood, Grampy.
Your bracket was busted in the second round.
Well, change of strategy.
If I come in last, I get my money back and a hat.
The hat says "Loser.
" Hat's a hat.
Hazel, can I have some of your nachos? I don't want to be a jerk, but I feel like the time to ask for nachos was when the waitress was here.
Hey, Al.
Ariana just walked in.
Really? How do I look? Stunning.
Don't waste it on us.
Oh, no, is that Dirk? Who's Dirk? Her spin instructor.
And possibly the number one seed in her boyfriend bracket.
I hate that guy.
It's March.
Wear some sleeves.
I'm sorry, buddy.
I can't believe he chose her.
What does he have that I don't? You wanted to be exclusive and she didn't.
Maybe he's just rolling with it.
That's true.
She could be dating a lot of Dirks.
Okay, you got two options: you sit here hiding behind your menu or you go over there and make your stand.
I choose number two.
I choose number one.
You know, Holly, my cousin Zubair always says that if you want to get a woman, never tell her what's in your heart Tell her what she wants to hear.
What's with him? A girl he likes is dating her spin instructor.
Another Mr.
No ice.
You're driving, right? It's been a rough day.
He's written six poems, and not one of 'em rhymes.
Oh, there's rhymes.
"His name is Dirk.
"He spins for work.
"He wears no sleeves.
He is a jerk.
" Cindy! Come meet my friend Al! - Why? - Just come here.
Cindy, Al.
Al, Cindy.
Both of you guys are nursing broken hearts.
That one's my boyfriend.
Don't talk to him.
I am sorry for your heartbreak.
Thank you.
Want to go play pool? Okay.
You got this.
So who broke your heart? Her name is Ariana, and she is the most beautiful woman in the world.
Second most.
The first one is my mother.
Your mom's hot, huh? - What? - To hot moms.
What are you drinking? Mr.
Oh, cool.
I'm having Mr.
So, uh what happened with your boyfriend? I don't know.
Things with Keith were magical from the very first date.
We went canoeing at sunset and well, it was so beautiful.
Then it got dark and we couldn't find our way back, so we we screamed our lungs out all night until a helicopter rescued us.
Just like that helicopter found you, love will find you again.
Wow, you're poetic.
You have no idea.
You want to make out? Excuse me? What? What are you doing? Shoot the damn ball! March Madness ages you like a president.
You still drawing me? Yeah.
First round Optimistic.
Second round, things are getting wobbly.
Sweet 16, ugh.
And not to get ahead of myself, but I never should've paid for your art classes.
Whoo! Wait till you hear this.
Yo, turn that off.
It's the Final Four! Al made out with a girl.
What? So, Holly and I are shooting pool when I look over and this player is making out with a girl he just met.
Uncle Al, back on the board! Oh, it was crazy! Like someone else took over my face.
This someone's name is Cindy.
I-I didn't know what to do.
But then I thought maybe Ariana was kissing Dirk - at the same time - Mm-hmm.
So I could do it, too.
What do we know about Cindy? - Friend of Holly's.
- Sounds legit.
I have this sweet feeling from my head to my toes.
- How did you leave it? - Intoxicated Her on Mr.
Rum, me on her kiss.
I need to go call my cousin Zubair.
No, FaceTime.
I want to see the tears of jealousy on his cheeks.
Really? In front of everybody? - Yep.
- Can't believe I'm gonna ask this, but, um is he a virgin? Oh, yeah.
Oh, no What a wonderful day.
That wasn't your first kiss, though? No, no, no.
Of course not.
Back home, I would steal a quick kiss and then run away like a trickster.
Well, this one was not quick.
I played an entire game of eight-ball while you guys were making out.
Have you ever met someone so wild and unpredictable? - Yep.
- How'd it turn out? With a beautiful baby named Hazel.
Is there always so much tongue involved? Eh, if you're lucky.
So, Riley, tell me what makes a person a good kisser? There seemed to be no rhyme or reason to what we were doing.
Oh, man.
I mean, at the end of the day, you're never really gonna know, so just assume that you're great at it and keep going.
Also works for karaoke.
And how do you hold your breath that long? You held your breath? There was one particularly long kiss where I felt I was fainting.
So I said, "Excuse me," took a deep breath and went back to it.
Maybe you should practice.
Uh Yeah.
You look beautiful tonight.
Yeah, you do.
Stop it.
You do.
Oh, you're really good.
Uh, give it a try.
There is one thing in life that is true.
My lips and my mouth belong to you.
Come on.
Hmm? Take a breath.
That's it.
I can't decide between the bruschetta and the calamari.
Want to get both and we'll split? Sure.
You guys gonna order or just eat each other's faces all night? We'll get what you're getting.
No garlic.
So, what'd you do today? Bought some stamps, took my car into the shop, got new brake pads and I'm sorry.
I can't do this with them.
Hey! High school's over.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
I can kiss and breathe at the same time.
Hey, where are our drinks? I don't know.
Maybe the waiter hates us for some reason.
Hey, Al.
You dare me to drink that guy's scotch while he's in the bathroom? - No.
- Challenge accepted.
She wouldn't.
Oh, she would.
I was wrong.
It was bourbon.
Open your mouth.
So, new brake pads, huh? So, what do you miss most about Afghanistan? Oh, everything.
My mother, my friends, the food.
Ooh, what kind of food? There is a small kabobi shop in my neighborhood.
People wait for hours in line to get in.
And the lamb is so good, when you put a bite in your mouth, it melts.
Do you think you could make that for me one night? I could try, but it would never be as good.
Oh, you're just being modest.
I am modest.
It is a very good thing about me.
- You want to go swimming? - What? That hotel has a pool on the roof.
- Oh, you've stayed there? - No.
You just say you're on the third floor and you left your key in the room.
And if they ask you any questions, you start swinging.
Uh, that sounds like it might be against the law.
Well, that's why it's fun.
Uh, I'm not a citizen yet.
If I get into any trouble, they can kick me out of this country.
Oh, okay.
Well, you want to just go to my place and have sex? Oh, um Oh, oh, you don't like me.
No, I I like you very much.
You don't think I'm pretty? You are so pretty.
Is it 'cause you're still hung up on that girl? 'Cause I don't mind.
It's late.
Oh, all right.
I have never been with a woman.
Oh, I have.
You should try it, it's great.
I just don'’t think I'm No, I-it's cool.
So, um So you're a virgin.
Well, I wouldn't have expected it.
I mean, you're funny and hot and a great kisser.
All right, you talked me into it.
- The sex? - The swimming.
What are you guys doing up? Waiting for Al.
He was just supposed to take Cindy home, but that was three hours ago.
Well, for me, the second date is usually when nothing happens.
Thank you for sparing my delicate sensibilities.
Hi, Al.
Hi! Why are you soaking wet? We snuck into a hotel and she pushed me into the swimming pool.
We don't swim much in Afghanistan, so I began to drown.
I saw death opening its mouth for me, but then she scooped in like David Hasselhoff, and we kissed.
It was very romantic.
I made this for myself, but you earned it.
Uh, then what happened? A security guard came over and Cindy yelled at him until we got a free dessert.
Oh, excuse me.
My skin is starting to burn from the chlorine.
So, what do you think? Did he do it? No, he's still the same height.
The first time you do it you grow two inches.
That's not true.
Should be.
- Hey.
- Close the door.
Close the door.
You won't believe what happened.
She wanted to have sex with me.
And did you? No.
But I'm thinking about it.
Really? You sure that's a good idea? I don't know.
All my life I've been the good son.
I've always followed rules.
And here comes Cindy, who breaks all the rules, and I'm rethinking everything.
Yeah, she might be a little off.
It's not just her.
Ariana is out there doing whatever she wants.
And so are you and Lizzie.
Everyone but me.
I get that, but maybe your first should be special.
Oh, yeah? How special was yours? Plenty.
It was on a school trip to Colonial Williamsburg.
A guy dressed like Benjamin Franklin caught us and hit me with a kite.
That's a treasured memory.
I feel like you're trying to talk me out of this.
I just want you to understand that sex is more than just physical.
When two people are together it can be beautiful.
But it can also bring up a lot of unexpected feelings.
Are you listening to yourself? I'm trying not to.
Listen, uh I tried to find that special person to fall in love with, and when I finally found her, she rejected me.
Riley, I've lived almost half my life.
How long should I wait? I just want to make sure you're not compromising stuff that matters because you're hurting.
I'm not.
But thank you.
Now let's talk about protection.
You have a lovely room.
Well, it's your first time.
I wanted it to be nice.
Hey, do you mind if we talk a little bit first? Sure.
Tell me more about yourself.
Oh, um, well, I'm a marine biologist.
I work at the aquarium.
I bought a lot of candles today.
I think you're all caught up.
Look at that.
You're a marine biologist, I'm a Marine interpreter.
Meant to be.
So, where are you from? Seattle.
Do you go home much? Not if I can help it.
My mom and I don't really get along.
Why? 'Cause she's a bitch.
Uh I can't understand how you can say that about your mother.
I can't understand why we're talking about my mother.
Where I'm from, mothers are revered like prophets.
We have a saying.
"Paradise lies beneath beneath a mother's feet.
" Ooh, hey, talk dirty to me in Afghan.
I-I don't talk dirty.
Oh, you're a bad, bad boy.
What? Just trying to get you started.
We really don't know each other at all, do we? I work at the aquarium, you can't swim.
Opposites attract.
It Look, you are very beautiful.
Oh, let me guess.
You're gonna say we should just be friends.
I wasn't, but that's a very good idea.
I'm sorry.
I think I want the person I have sex with to be someone I care about, somebody I really know.
And maybe that will be you.
But it won't be tonight.
It's weird.
But I believe you.
I'm telling you the truth.
I think that you are.
I definitely am.
I just said so.
It just makes me like you more.
Well Your reaction makes me like you more.
- You want to make out? - Oh Now, we're talking.
- Awalmir.
- Hi.
I'm not interrupting, am I? - No.
- Okay, good.
What's up? I'm sorry I didn't call.
I was going home from a friend's house.
- I'm thinking about you.
- Do I smell perfume? No But there's something I want to say.
Alright? I want to date you.
I said that like I've changed my mind I've always wanted to date you.
But now I'm willing to do it your way.
My way? You can see other people if that's what you want.
Someone less foolish than Dirk.
It's really none of my business.
And why did you change your mind? I've been thinking a lot about rules I set for myself, or other people set for me, and maybe there's more than one way to do things.
Are you seeing other people? That opportunity has presented itself.
Okay, well I would love to go out with you.
Would you like to come in? Do you ask a thirsty man if he wants water? Yes.
That means yes.
Good morning, Dugans.
Somebody's in the same clothes as last night.
Hazel, go to your room.
I did not spend the night - at Cindy's.
- Never mind.
But I did spend the night with Ariana.
Out! Come on, Dad, I've been on this roller coaster since the beginning.
Ariana's? How'd that happen? I was going to have cake with Cindy, but I realized I really wanted to have cake with Ariana.
You want to just tell me later? Sure.
So? - Did you and Ariana - No.
We talked deep into the night and watched the sun rise from her balcony.
Come on, you know that's not what I meant.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
We also drank so much tea I may never sleep again.
What about Cindy? She out of the picture? Not necessarily.
From now on, you will remember me as the man who dated two women at the same time.
Excuse me.
Where you going? To tell Hazel.
So you didn't actually No.
It was as you said.
It was too soon.
But if my cousin Zubair asks, I did, with both of them, on the same night.
Al's got more girlfriends than you.
It really is March Madness.

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