United States of Al (2021) s02e18 Episode Script


1 Previously on United States of Al Ariana, bacheem, come here.
- Meet Awalmir and his friends.
- Hello! - Hello.
- Awalmir has just arrived from Kabul.
Ariana has an Afghan soul.
Don't forget you're dealing with an American girl.
I will fill your every day with sweetness when we are married.
Married? Mm, that is what people do when they are in love.
We're not in love.
Cindy, Al.
Al, Cindy.
Both of you guys are nursing broken hearts.
You want to make out? Excuse me? What? Go ahead.
Say it.
Say, "Wow.
" Wow.
I know.
What is that scent? Rose perfume.
Women love it.
That's why they wear it.
I think I know what women like, seeing I'm dating two of them at the same time.
He's gotten really good at working that into conversations.
Tell me about it.
Today, Cindy is taking me to Niagara Falls.
That's a long drive.
Cindy said I'm worth it.
She's really excited.
She planned everything.
It's as if I'm the girl.
Well, you certainly smell like one.
You can't threaten my masculinity, because I am dating two women.
He's not really good at working it in.
He just says it.
So, when are your taxes due? Tomorrow.
And how long did we have to do this assignment? A year.
And you waited till the last minute.
You know what my parents say? They call this natural consequences.
You know what else they say? Go play outside.
How's it going? Anybody need tea? Coffee? Some fake receipts? Thanks, honey.
We're doing okay.
They're not.
And they have no one to blame but themselves.
Uh, not to be that guy, but you wouldn't have to file jointly if you two went ahead and got a you know.
You can say "divorce.
" I've noticed my parents live in different houses and date different people.
Freddy, why don't you take Hazel someplace fun so we can finish this.
Come on.
Where are we going? The yarn store.
She said "fun," Freddy! Yes, she did.
You know, he has a point.
Why are we still doing this? Why don't we just make it official and get a divorce? Um I guess, no reason.
I mean, you're happy with Freddy.
Right? Yeah.
And you haven't blown things with Holly yet.
Have you? Amazingly, no.
I think you can file for divorce online.
Yeah, one of my clients at the salon has done it three times.
She makes bad choices with her hair, too.
All right.
Let's do it.
Divorce and taxes.
Is there another miserable thing we can do this weekend? Well, you'll be watching someone knit.
Wow, those buffalo wings were spicy.
Are your lips burning? I have no idea.
I can't feel them.
Let me see if I can.
Go to hell, Beemer! Uh, Cindy, I-I think you missed a turn.
That says "bridge to Canada.
" Oh, that's where we're going.
It's the best view of the falls.
What? I-I can't go to Canada.
You're gonna love it.
That's not the point.
I don't have my green card with me.
Oh, shoot.
Well, the Canadian side's really the best side.
Don't worry.
We'll figure it out.
They're not gonna let me in.
I'll hide you.
Oh, there's a blanket in the back seat.
I am not sneaking over the border.
They will put me in jail.
Oh, I've been to jail.
It's not as bad as they make it seem in the movies.
We should turn around.
We're almost there.
That's why we should turn around! Don't worry.
I got this.
Oh, wait.
Eat these.
- What is it? - Pot gummies.
I don't eat drugs! All right, I will.
But you got to drive back.
Cindy, just throw them out the window.
What if a squirrel eats 'em? That is irresponsible.
Let me out.
Too late.
Hop in the back.
Mm! So we just sign these and we're divorced? Yep.
Thought it'd be a little more complicated.
Well, we can make it more complicated.
Mm, that's okay.
After you.
It's kind of weird, huh? Very.
- Thank you.
- Mm.
That's it.
Now we just mail 'em in and we're divorced.
I mean, not cool.
But cool.
How you feeling? Okay.
A little sad.
Me, too.
But I'm proud of us.
This is way better than with lawyers in a courtroom.
All right.
Well I'll leave you to it.
Goodbye, ex-wife.
Goodbye, first husband.
Al just pulled into the driveway.
Oh, he spent the night in Niagara Falls, huh? I hope the little guy didn't get married.
You think? A buddy of mine got married after visiting the Baseball Hall of Fame.
Lot of emotion, you get caught up.
Who is the poorest person in the neighborhood? Probably me.
Why? I promised God I would give them money if I survived that date with Cindy.
Here's a dollar.
Well, you didn't get over the falls in a barrel, did you? She made me sneak into Canada under a blanket and back out in her trunk.
- Why? - Because the Canadian side is prettier.
Can't argue with that.
I'm telling you, Cindy is out of control.
What will our next date be? Brunch and a bank robbery? You gonna break up with her? Of course.
Why would I risk everything with a woman like that when I have Ariana? Ariana is intelligent and sensible.
She would never make me wait four hours at a Canadian truck stop until she was "good to drive.
" Now, just me or does that sound like a good time? Hell yeah.
We just did that.
Yeah, we did.
What's that mean, "Okay"? You said it first.
- This doesn't mean you and I - No.
- Oh, good, good.
- We just - We lost our minds.
- Totally.
It's 'cause we're getting a divorce and it brings up feelings and Yeah, it's emotional and we have so much history.
And you are still working out a lot.
Thank you.
You're also extremely smoking.
We are such idiots.
It's gonna be okay.
- No, it's not.
- Look at me.
This never happened.
We'll just go back to the way things were, except now we're divorced.
If we just hadn't hugged.
I was gonna shake your hand.
I really was.
Yeah, well, that's what we're doing from now on.
Fist bumps.
Less touching.
Because Hazel can never find out about this.
Oh, my God, Hazel.
She's gonna spend the rest of her life hoping maybe we'll get back together.
But she's never gonna find out because we are not going to tell anybody.
Not Freddy, not Holly.
Oh, God, Holly.
She's gonna run me over with her truck.
Not if she doesn't know.
I don't know if this is the right time to bring this up, but when you and I were married and I cheated on you, this is how bad I felt.
This is not the right time.
That's really clear to me now.
Hello, Cindy.
Hey, what are you doing here? I wanted to talk to you.
Oh, hang on.
There's somebody I want you to meet.
Can you give us just a minute? Ronald, this is Al.
Al, Ronald.
Oh, my God, a penguin.
Well, I've only seen them in the movies.
Do you want to pet him? - Uh, will he bite me? - Oh, no.
There are no land predators in Antarctica, so they never learned to fear people.
Oh, Ronald, you are so naive.
Oh Wow.
So soft.
Can I take a selfie with him? I can make a lot of people jealous back home.
Say "fish.
" Oh, that's a good one.
Oh, wow.
This, this is amazing.
Did you always want to be a marine biologist? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, ever since I was a kid.
I could only afford to take one class at a time, so my degree took years, but now I get to spend every day in a place like this.
I've never been to an aquarium before.
I've never even seen the ocean.
Oh, it's the most amazing thing.
Oh, when you go diving, you're just in this infinite space that stretches on in every direction and it makes you feel how small you are but also how lucky you are to even be a tiny part of this endless, unknowable world.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You had something you wanted to say.
Why don't you just use a spoon? Celery is healthier.
Hey, where you been? Uh, you know, just just run-run-running some errands.
- Where? - Store.
- "Store"? - Couple stores.
Is it wrong to have second thoughts about a woman? What? No.
What? Like, you thought you were done with her but suddenly you're not so sure? I got to Hmm.
So, did you break up with Cindy or not? I didn't want to.
She is a beautiful person.
Tender, curious, passionate.
She let me touch her penguin.
My life with Cindy would be filled with adventures.
Things I never even dreamed about.
I take back everything I said about her this morning.
I want to drive around in the trunk of her car for the rest of my life.
So you're back to being a two-woman man? Cindy's world is so expansive, it is filling my whole heart.
I think I am in love with this woman.
If I have a moment free, I want to spend it with her.
So you're gonna break up with Ariana? Hmm? I have to.
Hmm, I think I am like a penguin: I mate for life.
I learned that at the aquarium.
You push a button, and it tells you things.
Love is complicated.
Just when you think you know the path you are on, the ground shifts beneath your feet.
Has that ever happened to you? Nope.
Really? "Nope"? I'm breaking up with my first love, and the best I get from you is "nope"? Yep.
Something is different about you.
What is it? What is what? You're nervous.
You have something to hide.
We share everything.
What would you not share with me? Leave it alone.
Where were you this morning? I was out.
I was at Vanessa's.
Did you get in a fight? No.
You didn't.
Lower your voice.
Ah, you did.
It was crazy.
All right? It just happened.
It was a mistake.
Did you think about Holly? Obviously, I didn't think about Holly.
Are you gonna tell her? No, I can't tell anyone.
And for the record, I did not tell you.
I'm a student of the human condition.
That is not your fault.
Seriously, Hazel cannot find out about this.
Okay? It'll ruin her life.
No, it won't.
Her family, which has been split, will be made whole.
Vanessa and I are not getting back together.
So promise me you will not tell a single person.
- Uh, Riley, I promise.
- Okay.
But I do think this is a sign that you love Vanessa and you should be reunited with her.
I'm so glad you two never got divorced.
We got divorced this morning.
I'm gonna need some air.
Al, this is my favorite place in the world.
- A bar? - Not just a bar.
My soccer bar.
I watch every Barcelona game here.
Are you serious? Barcelona is my favorite team.
Well, then you are gonna love this.
A real jersey.
With my name on the back.
Oh, I love it.
What would you have done if I was not a Barcelona fan? Dumped you.
Goal! - Hold on, my people need me.
- Uh-huh.
Ole-le, Ola-la, being a Barça fan is the best thing there is! Ariana, I did not realize you were such a soccer fan.
Aw, there's a lot of stuff about me - that you don't know.
- Oh? Like what? I'm a really great kisser.
What's wrong? What do you mean? You usually kiss me like you're trying to eat your way to the back of my head.
Holly, I got to tell you something.
What? I slept with someone.
- Who? - It doesn't matter.
It was Sourpuss Barbie, wasn't it? It was a mistake.
We signed our divorce papers, and it was weird and final, and our brains short-circuited, and it will never happen again.
So we're good? Oh, we are not good at all.
But I was honest with you.
That has to count for something.
You want credit? I mean, a little.
As a courtesy, I'm not gonna punch your teeth in.
There's your credit.
Thanks for stopping by.
- Come on, Holly.
- No, we're done.
- I know, I messed up.
I - You're starting a lot of sentences with the word "I.
" Here's an "I" for you.
I got a bunch of phone numbers when I was away on reserves, and I threw them all away.
Because I was dumb enough to trust you.
I am so sorry.
Me, too.
Oh, I may have left some stuff in your bedroom Look at us.
Men of the world.
Love, loss.
The full spectrum of the human experience.
Okay, you don't have to say everything that pops in your little head.
I think you may have done what you did because you truly want to be with Vanessa.
I don't.
Sometimes our desires are not clear to us.
For example, when I thought I wanted to break up with Cindy.
Or I wanted to break up with Ariana.
Gosh, those are two special ladies.
Maybe you should go hang out with one of them.
I will not leave your side.
When you are sad, I am sad.
You want to try that again without that ridiculous grin? When you are sad, I am sad.
Babe, you home? I got a surprise for you.
There's my man.
Do you want it now, or do you want it later? Say now.
Now, definitely now.
I made it myself.
How did you knit this whole thing without me knowing? I'm pretty sneaky.
Okay, I'm gonna go try it on in the light.
The light's pretty good here.
Oh, no, the light's way better in the kitchen.
It's where I try on all my clothes.
Oh, I guess I see it.
I love the stripes.

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