8 Simple Rules (2002) s02e18 Episode Script

1
Good Morning.
Hey; Welcome to the 'Club'.
What Club?
The 'To hell with everyone
let's sleep till noon, Club'
Want to go out for breakfast
and make fun of the losers
having lunch?
For your information
I worked all night
at the hospital.
Oh; Right. You're new.
Trust me; Eventually
the need to justify
sleeping the day away
leaves entirely.
Uh-
Well, well. Look who's
finally awake.
I was up all night
studying.
I was talking to Cate.
Right; She's not
even dressed.
No. Look, I was
working at the-
Oh! Forget it!
Well, we finally have
some food in the house.
Why do you have to be
one of the nurses
working the
graveyard shift?
Honey; It's not politically
correct to say that
when you're talking
about a hospital.
Okay; Then, why
do you have to be
one of the "healthcare providers"
working the
graveyard shift?
Well, with all the
cutbacks
I just feel like it's risky
to give up any rotations.
Mom; You're no
fun anymore.
I'm fun!
Why just yesterday I made
those English-muffin pizzas.
Yeah, you're a regular
'Moms gone wild'
Look
You guys think I like
working this much?
I'm really torn
up about this.
Well, don't stress,
'Baby girl'
you got two strong men here
to help carry the load.
Right, Rory?
Yk I actually
do need somebody
to give Kerry a
driving lesson.
Oh, well
Rory can
handle that.
Oh, come on, Cate.
Do I have to?
I mean, Kerry
is mean
I've never seen such raw,
naked hostility since
Well, Yk.
The Korean war?
No. Your mother.
Listen; Kerry's brand
of intimidation.
May work on Billy
goat gruff over there.
But she don't scare me!
Hey! What are you
guys talking about?
Nothing! Hey! You
look nice today.
Mom; Rachel's
coming over.
Rachel? Rachel Sharp?
Yeah! What's
it to you?
Nothing. It's just she hasn't
been over in a real long time.
I know. She says she feels like a
third wheel with me and Kyle.
It's not fun.
I don't know how many times
I've been with a guy and a girl
and thy look at me like
'What are you doing here?
It sucks, especially when
the chick's my girlfriend.
Rachel deserves a guy
who appreciates her.
Uhhhhh -ohh -whoa!
Just saying I'm going out
with Missy. Remember?
Yeah; But who can resist an
older woman with experience?
I can. It gets
easier every day.
I said I'm not
interested in Rachel.
Grandpa; Can you help me
with my homework?
I have to memorize the
"Amendments of the Constitution".
Oh, that's smart.
Get someone who was there
when they were written.
I just hope Jenna doesn't
drive Rachel over.
She's so annoying,
selfish, superficial,
Obsessed with her looks
and how many guys like her.
Talks endlessly about things
nobody really cares about.
Who wants to be around
someone like that?
And that, Rory, is
why me and the guys
put in the 'Fifth Amendment'
Rory loves Rachel ♪
Rory loves Rachel ♪
- I do not!!
Can you look me in
the eyes and say that?
If I bend my knees.
You so love Rachel; I know
I'm right -No, you'r-
Ok, you're right.
- I am?
I can't explain it. She's
sort of my perfect woman.
She's nice, smart, pretty
even though she doesn't know it
which makes her
even prettier.
God; That's what mom
always says about me.
Yeah; But I mean it.
Oh, God; You won't say
anything to her, will you?
No. Why would I?
Promise!
Look; It would embarrass you,
it would embarrass her
and, frankly, I'm more than
a little grossed out by it.
Thanks.
Out!
Door!
Rach; You want a laugh?
Bridget; Danielle called.
Oh, she's so annoying,
selfish, superficial-
Obsessed with her
looks, with boys
talks to much, etc, etc.
How did you know?
Bridget; When you point
your finger at someone
there's three pointing
back at you. See?
No, grandpa. No one's
pointing at you.
No, no, no. What
I'm saying is
when you point your
finger at someone
there are three fingers
pointing back at you.
Go on! Try it!
Hey! It works.
Well; Yeah; Now that all three
of you are pointing at me.
Nahh you don't-
Oh forget it!
Mom; Rachel's on
her way over.
Oh honey; Don't you think
it's a little late for visitors?
No. It's not.
Ohh uhhh..
Look; Now that I
have you all here
I have some very
important to discuss.
This came in
the mail today.
It's a receipt
for a deposit
that your father put down
on the cabin at the lake.
He made the reservation
over a year ago.
Dad loved the cabin
at the lake -Yeah.
It's the first year
without him.
Yeah; And this is
difficult for me.
Eh, with all the extra hours that
I'm taking at the hospital
I just don't think that
we should spend
your spring break
at the cabin.
And I know this is gonna
bring up a lot of emotions.
So I'd like to
suggest a vote.
'Yes' or 'No'
-No -No -No
anonymously.
Okay; Let's do it
that way now.
Remember those car
rides to the cabin?
No radio allowed.
Yeah; Dad getting
all rustic. Ew!
Dad singing "I'm just a poor
wayfaring stranger".
All the way.
Would you rather it was "100
bottles of beer on the wall"?
Yes. Anything
shorter.
Look, you guys. Is this
okay with you? I mean-
- Yes -Yes -Yes.
Could I just finish
my sentence?
I mean the cabin
at the lake
it is a long-standing
Hennessy family tradition.
And I just really think
we should take the time
to think about
this, to be sure.
-No -No -No.
Okay. As long
as you know.
It's the end
of an era.
So, in the spirit
of moving on
can Bridget and I go
to the 'Maeve Festival'?
What's that?
It's a celebration of the
'Celtic Goddess Maeve'
which, of course
is very significant
to someone named
"Hennessy".
She means, me. Tons of
guys think I'm a 'Goodness'
Anyway, its a 3day
cultural gathering
to embrace the oneness
of humanity.
You said there'd
be rock bands.
Oh, no, no, no. You are not
going to a RockFestival.
Damn straight; Tell'm
about Woodstock, Cate.
- Dad!
C.J.'s mom went
to Woodstock
and did a lot of
silly things
In a lot of
different tents.
My ears are burning.
Is someone talking
about me?
Free love, my ass. He's
never stopped costing us.
Okay, but the 'Maeve Festival'
is more than a 'Rock Festival'
It's a spiritual event.
It just attracts
a bad element.
Ooh, bad element?
Maybe I'll go.
Don't help us.
Aunt Cate; I'll
tell you what.
What don't I chaperone these
two and you can pay me?
C.J.; Taco/Burrito
conversation
'Nachos'
You're just jealous
because you can't go.
And I've been to more
festivals than I cant count
I've met 'Bruce Springsteen'
'Bob Dylan', 'Neil Young'
I've dropped some
pretty heavy names
I'm gonna pause and
let you pick them up.
Mom; Give us one good reason
why you don't want us there.
Oh; Actually, I'll
give you 3
'Sex', 'Drugs',
and 'Rock & Roll'.
- Sold!
Well, why can't we
go, if C.J. gets to go?
Because I said so!
- "Burrito Finito"!
- Ha, ha, ha, ha
Oh!
Mom; This isn't fair.
I said no
another word.
Mom; There's something
you should know.
Since dad left, the music's
gonna out of our lives
and we thought we could
recapture that music
by going to the
Maeve Festival.
Oh, Bridg'
That's the most moving
crock I've ever heard.
What? What happened?
I said it all right.
You were supposed
to well up here.
Oh! Stupid, stupid, stupid!
Mom; Can't you
be reasonable?
Let us go on
our journey.
Oh! You're going on
a journey, all right.
But you're gonna start
your spiritual quest
visiting grandma
in Sarasota.
How is visiting
grandma spiritual?
Yk; For lots
of people.
Sarasota is the last
stop before heaven.
Isn't that right?
Grand-snappy.
Yk what? C.J.?
Oooh, He's right!
Yeahh.
Come on! You haven't visited
grandma in a long time.
Well, I haven't seen her
in a long time, either.
You don't hear
me complaining.
Here's the deal.
I am not
gonna let you just hang out
around the house
for a week.
You're gonna have
a fun, safe, vacation.
How come Rory doesn't
have to go visit grandma?
Rory is gonna be
with grandpa.
They're gonna go to the
Tigers game every night.
What?!
Ahhh Hey, girls.
'Enchilada Piñata'!
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
But, mom, please.
You are going to
grandma's. That's final.
Like you ever had a
chance otherwise.
Oh! Speaking
of never having a chance.
Here comes your
perfect woman.
You promised
not to tell!
I may have told Bridget,
but I didn't tell Rachel.
It's no betrayal.
-Hi, Bridget! Hi Kerry!
Hi, Rory!
'Houston; We
have betrayal'
Dad?
What happened?
I just got off the phone
with your mother.
You better sit down.
Oh, my God! Is she?
- A tramp! Yes!
She's shacking up with
her boyfriend, Paco.
Oh, thank God! I thought
it was something
even more
terrible than that
I just can't
believe it
I mean, he's living there.
Yk; What that spells
'Hanky-Panky'
'Hanky-Panky'?
Uh, dad; Nobody says
'Hanky-Panky' anymore.
Well; I didn't want to say
'Nooky' in front of a lady.
Actually, nobody says
'Nooky' anymore, either.
That's right, Cate.
Euphemisms are my
big problem right now.
Sorry.
Well, I'm concerned.
Your mother's
developed a history
of jumping from one
relationship to the next.
But, dad, she was married
to you for almost 50 years.
And now she's
with Paco.
Am I the only one that
sees a pattern here?
Yk; None of this
makes sense.
When I called to set up
the girls' travel plans,
she never even
mentioned it.
Well, I found out by
accident. I called her condo
and this big, husky
truck driver voice answered.
Paco?
No; Your mother.
Pay attention!
Sorry.
Well. I was
talking to her.
'Sergio Mendéz' asked her
where she put his speedos.
Speedos?
Paco is 82.
This story just keeps
getting uglier.
Hey!
I'm off to the 'Maeve'
3 Days of sun, fun
and communal bathing.
Except this time, I won't
be the only one naked.
Look at this.
Girls, 'I'm with the Band'
What are you
doing out here?
I can't go in. Rachel's
over again.
Oh, yeah;
Hey; don't shoot
the messenger.
But word around campus is
Kerry wants to apologize.
Tell her, I'm not
talking to her.
Hey! Woa!
Look; the thing is, I'm
not really a messenger.
Although I do have
some feelers out.
So keep your
fingers crossed.
Don't you get it?
She humiliated me
I can't show my face
around Rachel, again.
Why? 'Cause a girl
found out you like her?
Dude; It happens.
It's not like she caught you
kissing her doorknob.
Who'd do that?
- No one.
Now, you know I would've
driven you to the airport.
But I got called
in for work.
Mom; It's okay.
Kyle's glad to do it.
All right.
Now, have
fun at grandma's
I'm gonna miss
you so much!
I miss you already.
- I miss you more; Mmm.
Well
Byeee!
Okay. See ya'
You and your mom are
so close! That was so-
Oh, God! So we're going
to the 'Maeve Festival'
Okay; But, what happens
when mom finds out?
Oh! She doesn't ever
have to find out.
What are you thinking?
What I'm thinking is
all we have to do
is come up with a plan.
That's what you
are thinking?
Yeah! I came up with the hard
part; You got something better?
I don't know why you guys
want to go to the festival
I hear it's a gathering
of militant
hairy-legged, man-hating
feminists.
Oh, great, Kerry. It's
gonna be all your friends.
Okay; So we don't go!
Should we tell C.J.?
Tell C.J. what?
Grandpa! You
could knock!
I did. My knees.
There's something I want
to talk to you, girls,
about that's very important.
Me too?
'Taco burrito',
Scram-o'!
What do you want
to talk about?
A rather big subject
that you maybe
be familiar with
betrayal.
God, grandpa; You want
me to apologize to Rory?
No. I want you to keep Paco
away from grandma.
What?!
Kerry
I'm appealing to you as
a concerned family member
I'm not asking you
to manipulate
I'm not asking you
to take sides.
Well; I won't do it.
All right; Fair enough.
Bridget, How about you?
You like me better than
you do grandma. Right?
I like you better
than Kerry.
Fine; Whatever.
Ah, great!
It's beautiful when
families pull together.
Door!
Get it yourself.
Okay;
So
Are you gonna
apologize to Rory?
I mean, he's feeling
pretty bad.
He won't talk to me.
I don't blame him!
You're mean and
gossip all the time.
Me?!
You use it like currency!
Um, you're confusing
situations, right?
Where I take facts or events that
actually happened to people
in order to point out their
disgusting flaws.
Believe me! I take
no pleasure in it.
'Me thinks you doth
protest to much'.
'Me thinks'? I believe
it's "I thinks".
What I'm saying is
when you point a
finger at someone
there's 3 pointing
back at you.
Oh! That don't work. There's
not enough people in the room.
Ohhhhhhh!
- See?
Oh my God!
That's what that means?
So, the faults
I find in others
are the things I
hate about myself.
Mm..hmm; That's
the general idea.
No. Anyways
You hurt our little brother
and not in a good way.
So go. Fix it!
Fine.
And, why don't you take a good
look at yourself in the mirror?
Oh! Yk.
Never a problem.
Who's that?
Oh, my God!!
EW!!
Hey!
Hey!!!
Ahhh!!
What are you doing?!!
What does it look like?
By the way, I forgive you
for telling Rachel.
Rachel! Can I have
a word with you?
I'm sorry, but her mouth is busy.
Now!!
I'll be outside.
We'll pick this up were-
Go!
Have you lost your mind?!
He's such a good kisser.
Snap out of it!!
- Ow!!
Ew!
I just kissed your
little brother.
Yeah; He still has his
baby teeth in a jar.
He's really creepy!
Ew! I kissed your
creepy little brother!
What were you thinking?
I was thinking nobody's
ever called me.
"The Perfect Woman" before.
He's 14.
Anyone in a 'bra' is
'The perfect woman'
Okay; This never
happened.
But it did.
Not if we really believe
that it didn't; Say it!
This never happened?
I can't hear you!!
This never happened!
Good.
Oh, Rach'; I'm waiting!
Be right there!
We done?
Okay. That never
happened either.
Hello, Rory.
Rachel Sharp; You're trying
to seduce me. Aren't you?
Hey! Are you gonna
finish that?
Yeah!
Yeah!
Sorry;
I had a pretty
hot evening
If you know what I mean.
No.
Well, Rachel Sharp
came over.
And one thing
led to another.
If you know
what I mean
Ahhh
Wait; You lost me.
Rachel and I made out
for a very long time
If you know
what I mean.
You must think
I'm an idiot.
It's true.
Ouch! That hurt.
No
I mean about making
out with Rachel.
Yeah, right!
Ask Kerry.
Now you remember.
Spend all your time
with grandma.
And whatever you do, don't
call anyone, uncle Paco.
Okay.
If you should get frightened
in the middle night
don't hesitate to crawl
in bed with her.
Yeah, like that's
gonna happen.
Yeah, well.
Tell that to the father
of our country.
A dollar?
You're giving me a dollar
to sleep with grandma?
It's been a long time
I don't know what
the going rate is.
Grandpa; Did C.J. leave
for the 'Maeve Festival'?
Yeah; Hours ago.
He sail he was
hitching all the way.
Oh; Actually he's
still standing
on the curb with
his thumb out.
Yeah; I know.
Well; We better get
going to the airport.
Wait, wait, wait!
Ask Kerry about
me and Rachel.
Come on, ask!
Oh Kerry.
Did Rory make
out with Rachel?
Never happened.
- I figured.
What?
- Ehh. Whoa; Everyone leaving
without saying
cousin C.J., "Bye"?
Hey! Can I catch
a ride with you?
No problem!
Having a little trouble
catching a ride; Are you, C.J.?
Yeah; People slow down.
But nobody stops.
Yeah, well; Just
put on a big smile
every time one gets close.
Yeah. And I'd take the
sign off your backpack.
What sign?
"No longer contagious."
That's cute, grandpa.
No one's pulled that one
on me since third grade.
Hey, wait; It's the
same handwriting.
Yk; I said you could
start the car.
Not actually drive.
You're getting a little too-
Grrr..
Never mind. You're doing fine.
This is the first plane trip
we've taken without
our parents.
Yeah; the first ever
without dad.
Well, Yk, there's a way you
can take 'Papa H' with you.
In our hearts?
- No. In your stomachs.
My dad told me
about this place
where they named a
sandwich after him.
Our dad's been
memorialized?
On 'White, Wheat, or Rye'.
Rory; Your
girlfriend called.
Rachel?
Yep!
Or
Did she says Missy?
Was it Rachel?
Think, man, think!!
Oh; could it have been Sarah?
Do you know, Sarah?
Noooo.
That's too bad. I always
liked the name Sarah.
Grandpa; I've been waiting
for this call all day.
Yeah; All right. Just hold it.
It was, uh
Missy.
Yep, Missy.
I'm sure of it.
Man!
Maybe It's an
older woman thing
not to answer
messages right away
I hear they play by
different rules.
They don't have rules.
They live by women
impulse, trampling sweet
memories into dust!
You still thinking
about grandma?
No. Why?
I'm picking up three Hennesy's
on rye, for Kyle.
You're Tommy's kid; Aren't you?
- Ahha.
Let's see the money.
Kerry look; There a picture
of dad with 'Kirk Gibson'
Oh! And another one with-
Mom?
No, I think that's 'Larry Byrd'
Look! That's mom over
there, with some guy!
Oh, my God! Mom's
cheating on dad!
Right underneath
his sandwich!
Come up for air,
Why don't you?
Look; Maybe we're just
jumping to conclusions.
She's in a Bar,
with some guy
when she said she was at work.
How much more
evidence do you need?
Hey everybody!
I'm in love!!
Okay. I'm good.
Let's get out of here.
96 97
Kyle; Hurry!!
What the?!
Oh; Great!
5 10 15
Hey!!
You forgot your
sandwiches!!
Hey!
You forgot me!!
OOo