United States of Al (2021) s02e22 Episode Script

1
Previously on United States of Al
From now on, you will
remember me as the man
who dated two women at the same time.
Maybe we're making
too big a deal of this.
I mean, if Freddy did find
a man's sock in the bed,
would he really be suspicious?
He sleeps naked.
- Didn't want to know.
- Didn't want to say.
He asked me to marry him.
You said no, right?
Vanessa is making a mistake.
- You are a better man than Freddy.
- Thanks.
I mean, he's taller
but only a little bit.
Barely worth mentioning.
Why does she even want to marry him?
She thinks he's safe
and I'm still a mess.
No, you're not.
A year ago when I got here, definitely.
But now not so much.
I have been really on good
behavior for a long time.
Eh, except for your dirty motel affair.
It was $49. It was a nice place.
She's just, like, afraid
to admit she loves me.
Who knows what goes
on in a woman's mind?
I don't even think women do.
Maybe I should just talk to Freddy.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You're on such a good
streak of not being stupid.
- But I'm his friend.
- Except you're not.
- We've gotten a lot closer.
- What's his last name?
We're on a first-name basis.
Do not talk to him.
I'd want to know if the
woman I was about to marry
was sleeping with another guy.
But you wouldn't want
to hear it from that guy.
You're right. I'll drop it.
But don't you think I owe it
to Freddy to say something?
Yes. You say, "Congratulations."
I think telling Freddy
is the right thing to do.
Who cares what you think?
I'm just saying, if I
was about to get married,
I'd want to know.
But he's not you.
And you're not me!
But don't you think I
have a moral obligation
to tell this guy?
- Well, Ricky
- Riley.
- You still buying?
- Yeah.
I say follow your heart.
Come
Thank you!
Can I get you a cup of java?
Oh, yeah, thanks.
So, what's going on?
I heard you popped the question.
Sure did, amigo.
Couldn't be happier.
Yeah, about that.
Listen, you and I are friends.
You said it.
And you can't have friendship
without honesty.
So true.
Which is why I got to
You and Vanessa shouldn't get married.
Why would you say that?
Just trust me on this, man.
You want to walk away.
Why?
'Cause you've been sleeping with her?
People underestimate me.
I encourage it.
You knew?
Yep.
If I recall, you like it black, right?
Did Vanessa tell you?
Didn't have to.
You're not great at
covering your tracks.
And you still want to marry her?
Well, I figured the two of you had
some unfinished
business to work through.
Now she can move on.
I suggest you do the same.
Look, man, you don't know
her the way I do. All right?
She's scared of her feelings
for me, but they're real.
Riley, don't take this the
wrong way, but you're a joke.
So why don't you leave while
you still have your teeth.
You really want to fight a Marine?
You really want to
fight a hockey player?
How 'bout that parking spot I got?
Yeah, I feel okay, Dad.
Thanks for asking.
It's been a long time
since you lost a fight.
He pulled my shirt over my head.
Then there were all these fists coming.
At one point, I thought I was
fighting more than one guy.
Pretty busy in here.
If you want, I can straighten
out your beak with these boys.
I'll stick with the doctor.
What's funny?
You picked a fight with a hockey player.
That's all those guys do.
I was an idiot for thinking
me and Vanessa could get back together.
Ah, you're just a guy
fighting for his family.
Vanessa and Freddy will
probably have a baby,
and I'm gonna have to see them
all the time 'cause of Hazel.
Thanksgiving and
Christmas are gonna suck.
Birthdays, soccer games More sucking.
I'll be the guy that
sits in the driveway,
honking his horn till his kid comes out.
That's it! That's my life!
Well, maybe you can get
that Holly girl back.
I've already been punched
in the face once today.
So next semester, I've been
asked to teach psychology.
You're a freshman.
You've taken one class.
Technically, I'll be
the teacher's assistant,
in charge of unlocking the
classroom, the AV equipment.
Nothing much happens without me.
Oh, no.
- Oh, who's that?
- A woman.
Well, I can see. Do you know her?
Do we really know anyone?
Don't be ridiculous. Invite her over.
Too late.
Cindy, uh this is such a coincidence.
Oh, no, it's not. I followed you.
Hi. I'm Cindy.
You followed him?
Well, it wasn't hard.
I put a GPS tracker in his pocket.
How do you two know each other?
Cindy is a friend of
Riley's ex-girlfriend.
Al and I are lovers.
Okay.
And why are you here now?
Oh, is this weird?
Oh, I was afraid it was gonna be weird.
I was just so curious about you.
You're very pretty.
All right.
Cindy, it's, uh, nice to see you.
Here's your GPS tracker.
Oh. Thanks.
Good luck finding the other one.
I'm also taking an advanced
mathematics class next semester.
What was that all about?
Oh, Cindy? She means no harm.
She's stalking you.
She's just passionate.
It's not a problem.
Uh, you're not gonna
keep seeing her, are you?
Mm. Are you jealous?
I thought you wanted
us to see other people.
Not if they're nuts.
She's fine.
Nothing to worry about.
I hope so.
Let's just have a nice meal.
You locked your car, right?
Ugh, I just had the worst day.
Wanna bet?
Oh, my God!
What happened?
Freddy.
I told you not to go talk to him.
Everybody told me.
Did you not fight back?
He had all these crazy hockey tricks.
I thought Canadians
were supposed to be nice.
Well, now that you're
no longer handsome,
think about all the carbs you can eat.
Oh!
Ow!
I got to do something about this.
- Where are you going?
- Talk to Vanessa.
- Riley.
- She needs to know she's about
to marry a violent psychopath.
Did he take the first swing?
No, I did. He took all the rest of them.
Check out what your fiancé did.
I heard. Does it hurt?
It does not feel great.
Why did you go over there?
Because you should be marrying me.
No, I shouldn't, and
this is exactly why.
Everywhere you go, this happens.
It's not like I punched
myself in the face.
No, but you got the sweetest
man in the world to punch you.
That says more about you than him.
Next time you decide to cheat
on him, call somebody else.
Maybe someone who knows
tae kwon do or something.
Did she cut your hair?
It looks ridiculous.
I didn't.
I was just trying to hurt her feelings.
It looks fine.
Did you know Riley is up
on the roof drinking beer?
Yep.
- And that doesn't trouble you?
- Nope.
That's troubling.
Trust me, it's the safest place for him.
Hmm. I would have thought on the ground.
Eh, his heart is broken.
He needs some space.
And this way, we can keep an eye on him.
And keep tabs on how much he's drinking.
Hey! Don't let me catch you
peeing in the rain gutter!
I'll get it.
Hi, honey.
Cindy.
I felt bad about lunch today.
Your pretty little friend
seemed really upset.
Ariana broke up with me.
Oh, no.
Well, nothing heals a broken
heart like banana muffins.
Uh, Cindy, you remember
Mr. Art and Lois.
And this is Lizzie.
- Nice to meet you.
- Oh, likewise.
How do you know Al?
I live here.
Oh, really?
Al's never mentioned you.
- Of course I have.
- You haven't.
Here, Lizzie, have a muffin.
You're very pretty.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What's with the helmet?
Grampy said if I come up
here, I have to wear it.
He's right. Safety first.
You look awful.
You should see the other guy.
I did. He looks fine.
Did you know they're getting married?
I did know that.
How you feeling about it?
Whatever.
Is that why you and
Freddy got in a fight?
Hey, he has done nothing wrong.
All right?
He's a good guy, and I know
he cares about you a lot.
So? I'm not gonna live there anymore.
Well, that's not up to you.
They're probably gonna have a baby.
It's not so bad.
You'll be the cool big sister.
Huh? You'll teach the
kid how to skateboard,
shoot a basketball, buy homework.
No, I'd just be the
babysitter they don't pay for.
Well, you're not gonna put up
with that. You got to get paid.
Thank you.
And if they do have a kid,
they are gonna be so distracted,
you'll be able to get
away with anything.
I get away with anything now.
Now, see, you can't be telling me that.
So you're an artist
who's also a bookkeeper?
I do a bit of everything.
I bet you do.
So you seeing anybody?
Yeah, actually.
Does he know you share a bathroom
with the cupcake from Kabul?
He does.
I'm gonna go check on dinner.
Oh, I'll help.
Ah, you smell great!
Any advice?
I'd say leave the country,
but I don't think you have that option.
And you cook, too.
So where's your boyfriend tonight?
He teaches a class.
A lot of holes in your story.
I'm sorry, do you
have a problem with me?
That's what I'm trying to figure out.
Just so we're clear,
Al is like my brother.
You already have a brother. Try again.
You don't have to worry about Al.
He's the sweetest, most
loyal guy I've ever met.
Well, don't let your fake
boyfriend hear you say that.
I'm just saying, you have
nothing to be jealous of.
Oh, I don't get jealous.
I get even.
Hey, ladies. How's it going in here?
Oh, can I talk to you privately?
Yes, you can.
I can't do this, Al.
I can't love a man
the way that I love you
and share him with every woman
who pretends to be his sister.
What?
You know what I'm talking about.
Not for the last half hour.
Oh, sorry.
Didn't mean to interrupt.
Yeah, she's still here.
My turn.
Nothing but chimney.
Permission to come aboard?
- Is that orange soda?
- Yes.
Permission granted.
What are you doing up here?
Eh, just getting some air.
Hey, so, um,
are restraining orders only
in the movies or are they real?
Well, they're real, but you
got to prove you're afraid.
That's easy.
You know what's nice about this?
All our problems
are down there.
Mm.
Can I sleep on the roof?
No. You roll off. I've tried it.
Anyway, it's about time I got you home.
Freddy's probably gonna be there.
Why don't you let me take her.
That'd be great.
Al, are you up there?
Shh!
Hey, guys.
- Bye, Uncle Al.
- Bye, Hazel.
- Love you.
- Love you, too.
I'll be in my room.
Thanks for bringing her home.
It's no problem.
How's Riley?
He's fine.
Good night.
Hey, Al.
I'm sorry.
I know you were hoping
that we'd get back together.
I was.
But now
I just want you both to be happy.
Me, too.
If Freddy makes your heart
sing, that's the end of it.
Right.
You're supposed to say
your heart is singing.
It is.
Hmm.
Maybe I don't read people
as well as I thought.
Is it safe?
- She left.
- Oh, good.
While you were gone, she put
on your pajamas and took a nap.
She's a curious sort.
How'd you meet?
Riley's ex-girlfriend introduced us,
and she started kissing me.
That tracks.
Maybe you and Riley, uh,
should take a little road trip.
Get out of town for a while.
That sounds like a smart idea.
Leave at night.
Don't tell anyone where you're going.
Hey.
What are you doing here?
Just wanted to talk to you for a minute.
All right.
I sent in our divorce papers.
Okay.
And I broke things off with Freddy.
Good for you.
I get why you're mad, Riley.
- Do you?
- Yeah.
I know I screwed up.
I'm just kind of a mess.
I thought I was the mess.
Well
I am, too.
Just don't think I should
be with anyone right now.
Dad's getting the grill going.
You hungry?
Maybe another time.
This is a great idea.
Oh, best thing for us.
Getting out of town and
clearing our heads.
I can't believe I've been here
a whole year and haven't seen Las Vegas.
Well, we'd be there a lot
sooner if you went faster than
48?! Come on, Al!
What's the rush? We're both free dudes.
We have all the time in the world.
You sure you're free? How'd
you leave it with Cindy?
Eh, I told her we weren't
right for each other.
And you know what? She surprised me.
She took it really well.
Good for you.
You are going to kill it in Vegas.
We are going to kill it in Vegas.
Roller coasters, magic shows
and all-you-can-eat buffets.
It's like a city designed
by a 14-year-old boy.
48 miles an hour?
Come on, Al!