Loot (2022) s03e02 Episode Script

1
[Molly] The following is a message
from the Wells Foundation.
- [cheering]
- [TV chatter]
Yeah!
Wow. I love a touchdown.
More tortilla chips, Hector?
Hi, I'm Molly Wells.
I bet you're wondering
what I'm doing in this Super Bowl ad.
Well, I paid for it,
because I'm a billionaire.
And billionaires can do
whatever they want.
They can go to space or commit any crime
or purchase a separate yacht
to take a shit in.
And, yes, I can say "shit"
because I can afford the FCC fine.
[viewers cheer]
They could also end hunger
or homelessness or fix the environment,
but instead they are hoarding their money.
Billionaires don't want
the world to change,
because they want to have all the power.
That's so sus.
It's more than sus, Hector.
It's immoral.
Because people
are hurting out there and need help.
So what are you gonna do, Molly?
I'm going to give away more
of my money than ever,
and I'm going to be
completely transparent.
You're gonna know exactly where
my billions go and who they're going to.
Because it's that easy.
Go to WellsFoundation.net
to learn more about our mission
and the truth about all
the fucked-up billionaires out there.
Wow, does it feel good
to swear on broadcast TV.
Shit, asshole, tit.
Nice toss, Inez.
Enjoy the rest of the game.
[William Tell Overture playing]
Dude, I'm craving chicken tenders.
Dude, I'm craving a cheeseburger.
Then what do we do?
- [angelic music plays]
- [both] Oh, dank.
Chicken burgers!
- Move. Go, go.
- [laughs]
[William Tell Overture resumes]
[laughs] Oh, come on.
[both chanting] Chicken burger!
- That's right. I bought this ad too.
- Chicken burger!
WellsFoundation.net.
["Gimme That Money" playing]
[song ends]
Did I just spend the night
with the chicken burger lady?
[laughs]
I knew it.
You just wanted to sleep with me
because I was on TV.
[laughing] I did.
Do you realize that we've never
actually had an official first date?
Yeah.
I feel like we're doing
everything backwards.
Well, not everything backwards.
- Wow.
- [laughs]
[laughs]
Maybe I could take you out to dinner?
I love dinner.
Yeah. I'm a freak for it.
I do it every night.
[sighs] Score.
[Molly chuckles]
Good morning.
Molly, I've got
your anti-inflammatory flush.
Psyllium, sea moss, collagen
and just a whisper of MDMA.
Um, Nicholas, maybe
you should knock first?
We have a routine.
He just pops in every morning.
- So…
- Oh, fun.
[chuckles] Um…
[clicks tongue] I just…
I just need a second
to get dressed here, so…
Oh, please, Arthur, grow up.
We're all adults here.
And besides, this house
is covered in cameras.
Not that I would ever look.
- Why are you smiling?
- I'm not.
Why? Did you do something
that would make me smile,
like make a passionate
but embarrassing sound?
Did it sound a little bit like
the Kool-Aid man busting through a wall,
scaring a group of small children?
Do you have an irregular mole on
the small of your back shaped like Ohio?
[whispers] Oh, my God.
Anyways, what do you guys
want for breakfast?
I can't just leave.
Because we just did Super Bowl ads
and I have tons of press calls coming in.
Look, just stay where you are.
I'll figure something out.
Howard. Are you busy right now?
Oh, depends.
Are you asking as my boss or as my friend?
- As your boss.
- I am so swamped.
What if I asked as your friend?
Then I'm completely free.
I've got nothing going on
the rest of the month.
My sister just ran out of gas
on her way to visit me.
Would you mind picking her up?
Her name is Destiny.
Destiny?
What a magical Black name.
It's not her real name.
She chose it
'cause she didn't connect with Nicole.
Hmm. I gotta say, I don't either.
Just once a year,
she just shows up out of the blue,
expecting me to drop everything
and take care of her.
She is so irresponsible.
Okay. This relationship
seems very fraught and delicate,
which is why I cannot wait
to dive in headfirst.
Drop me a pin, girl.
I'm on my way.
Hey.
You wanted to see me?
Please have a seat.
Turn and face away from me.
[scoffs] What?
Just do it.
[gasps]
Arthur…
[sighs] …you are the kindest,
most decent man
- that I have ever met in my entire…
- Aw, Nicholas.
Turn back around,
you low-sodium Tilda Swinton.
Listen, of all the men
that Molly has ever been with,
you make her the happiest.
So, looks like
we're in this together for now.
[stammers] You can turn around now,
but you better not have
a stupid grin on your face.
[chuckles] Too late, compadre.
Oh, my God. Arthur.
Well, things are actually
going pretty well, okay?
Let's just say I'm keeping
the Sonicare in the car.
Be serious, Arthur.
There are like 20,000 ways
that you could screw this up tonight.
What is the plan for the date?
Well, I was thinking of
taking her up to Malibu
and getting some fried clams,
and then maybe getting an ice cream
and go for a nice walk on the beach.
Oh, wow.
That is really nice… if you want
to have sex with a corpse tonight.
- What?
- She's allergic to clams,
you necrophiliac.
Jesus Christ. I'm gonna go get the binder.
I didn't realize I worked with
a bunch of sickos around here.
[chuckles]
Hey, you must be Destiny. I'm Howard.
- I work with Sofia.
- No.
[laughs] I'm just messing with you.
Yes, I'm Destiny.
- [chuckles]
- And let me guess. Don't tell me.
You a Gemini, huh?
How did you know that?
'Cause you seem naturally curious
and aggressively whimsical.
Oh, I am whimsical to a fault.
- I mean, I'm even wearing taco socks.
- Okay, look at me.
- Smiling avocados.
- Okay.
[both laugh]
We'll have somebody come get your car.
Let's get you back to Sofia.
Oh, really? Thank you.
Okay, let me get my stuff.
Here. I can help you with your bags.
I don't have any bags.
- [chuckles]
- Okay.
- Come on, Roro.
- [barks]
That's right. Come on, baby. This way.
Grab the big one. She ain't a biter.
Come on.
What is this?
Her allergies, amongst other things.
She has a lot.
Molly hasn't eaten anything
that hasn't been triple-washed,
crystal-cleansed
or Gwyneth-blessed in 15 years.
This is your Bible now.
[scoffs]
"Acceptable room temperature range"?
"Approved chair height"?
What are these shapes?
Poops and what they mean.
Oh, my God.
She's allergic to so many things.
I mean, I-I-I can't commit
this to memory before tonight.
Oh, don't worry about it.
I created a mnemonic device
specifically for this situation.
"Beautiful Albanian Dua Lipa
Slays In Giambattista Valli
Linen With Big Beautiful Buckle,
But Marc Jacobs Had Her Looking
Like Britney With Crystal Hip Chains
At Met Gala.
We Need Polka Dots."
Easy.
Dua Lipa's Albanian?
Oh, my God.
Listen, I will pick a restaurant
that has an approved prix fixe menu.
Have a good time tonight,
and don't worry about any of this.
But text me if her poop goes oval.
Okay. Thank you for your help.
I-I won't let you down.
Is there anything else
I should be looking at?
Your whole vibe.
We have so much work to do.
- I used to know the…
- [dogs barking]
- I… What is this?
- [Ainsley] Hi.
Yes, Fi-fi.
Hey, boo.
I missed you so much.
You look so good.
- [sighs] Ooh.
- Fi-fi?
That is not my nickname.
That's the first time I'm hearing that.
Are these all your dogs?
Yes. I'm starting a new business.
Dog breeding.
I picked up five sexy singles
from the shelter,
but here's the issue:
they're not in the mood to make love.
- [chuckles]
- What are you guys talking about?
Dogs don't do that.
You know what, Nicole,
come with me for a second.
Yes, they do. They do… They do that.
Howard, all dogs come from heaven, right?
- So, you're breeding dogs now?
- Mm-hmm.
What happened
to your essential oils company?
Oh, my God, girl,
that was, like, five businesses ago.
Since then I've done
jewelry making, acupuncture…
I even dressed up like Wolverine
for a children's hospital.
Them kids were so mean to me.
It's not my fault
I could only afford one claw.
- All of that in six months?
- Yes.
I'm just trying to help people's lives
be better, just like my big sister.
And don't worry about my dog business.
It's gonna catch on.
Speaking of, you got
a credit card I could use?
And is your signature still the same?
Listen, I have a bunch of calls
this afternoon.
- You can stick around here.
- Ooh.
Just keep these dogs
out of everyone's way.
No problem. I can do that.
- Trent! Look at me. Down.
- [dogs barking]
Stop humping that little blonde girl.
That is not your wife.
Okay? Your wife is a beagle.
[barking continues]
- Is anybody gonna speak to me at all?
- Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Diagnostic complete.
Here's the thing. You're low-key a daddy.
The bones are good.
We just need to tease it out.
Let's talk about this pant.
What story are we telling?
Oh, um…
Got them at Office Depot.
[chuckles] Uh, featuring
rumple-resistant technology.
They've been a loyal friend…
- Shut the fuck up.
- Okay.
- Should we…
- No.
- What about the…
- Yes.
- With the…
- Oh, absolutely.
Great.
Okay.
Ow.
[groans]
Wow.
I look…
- Wow.
- And we're not done yet.
I have in front of me
a mediocrity annihilator.
An object of such power
that it's convinced some people
that Mark Zuckerberg is hot.
Oh, my God.
A gun?
Close.
A simple gold chain.
Ooh. [chuckles]
Would hit.
Would hit.
- [whispers] Would hit.
- Yes.
Hey. Do you mind if Carlos
hangs out in here for a bit?
He gets a little anxious,
and I believe your strong
sense of self will ground him.
- [Carlos growls]
- [sighs] Fine. Give him to me.
Thank you so much.
Oh. Oh. [chuckles]
This is so typical of my sister.
She has these dumb ideas that never work,
and then she gives up.
No follow-through.
- Yeah, you two are very different.
- [sighs] I know.
I've always succeeded at everything,
and she's always struggled.
I'm Bill Clinton, and she's Roger Clinton.
Wait. Country singer Roger Clinton
has a brother?
And I have to bail her out
over and over again.
Why do you have to bail her out?
I mean, Destiny's an adult.
Well, thing is,
when my mother was sick,
right before she passed away,
she took my hand in hers
and she made me promise
to always look after my sister.
That's beautiful.
What a nightmare.
- [Carlos groans]
- I know.
Well, you know people grow.
Maybe Destiny will surprise you.
Oh, I doubt that. People are who they are.
Okay. I am not subjecting Carlos
to your toxic worldview.
You come on back to me, baby.
- [growls]
- Yes, you should growl at her.
[growling continues]
I just want to reiterate
that you look really good now.
[chuckles] Oh.
I can't believe I'm not wearing any socks.
- [chuckles]
- I feel like Jason Mraz.
- [chuckles]
- So, what inspired this new look?
I don't know.
Being with you is just exciting.
Felt like I wanted
to raise my game, you know.
Switch things up a little bit.
Aw. That's nice.
Yeah.
[host] I'll be right with you, Miss Wells.
Hey. I have an idea.
Okay. What?
Let's not eat here.
I come here all the time with Nicholas.
Okay. But that… that's good though, right?
- I mean, they know what you like, so…
- No, I-I love it.
It's great.
But it just gets boring, you know?
It's the same thing every time.
What if we try that little Thai place
we passed on the way here?
It looked so cute and funky.
I just feel like I'm in the mood
for something like that.
Should we do it? Let's go.
I tell you what,
just bring us one of everything.
Don't hold back. Dazzle us.
Are you not gonna ask
if we have any allergies?
I'm gonna run to the ladies' room.
Just pee.
- Is everything okay?
- No, everything is not okay.
I need to know every ingredient
in every dish we just ordered.
You ordered the entire menu.
Oh, my God. Which way's the kitchen?
Excuse me.
Yes, absolutely.
The purpose of the Super Bowl ads
was to call out these billionaires.
- [dogs barking]
- To shame them,
and it's very obvious
why we're doing that.
These billionaires have more money
than anyone can spend in a thousand years,
and we're saying that hoarding it
is unacceptable, so…
[barking continues]
I'm sorry.
Would you please give me a moment?
[barking continues]
- Okay, his tail is wiggling.
- Ooh.
- He likes it.
- He's into it.
- [Destiny] Okay. I think he likes it.
- You said you would keep your dogs quiet.
They are being quiet.
The barking is coming from
the breeding videos we're showing them
to help get them in the mood.
- What?
- Now, Sofia, it's very tasteful.
Soft-core.
It's more about what you don't see.
So you're showing dogs pornography
in my place of work?
You know what?
- [Destiny gasps]
- Why do you do this?
Why do you show up unannounced
and throw everything into chaos?
Are you trying to drive me crazy?
You think I like this?
You think I like coming down here
to hang out with my sister
- who doesn't even like me…
- What?
…and then getting yelled at
in front of my dogs?
Who are all now flaccid.
- Why do you come then?
- [scoffs]
Because I promised Mom.
- What?
- [Destiny] Yes.
Right before Mom passed
she put my hand in hers
and made me promise
to always come here and look out for you.
Which is why I show up here
year after year.
You don't look out for me.
I look out for you.
I'm Bill Clinton.
And don't nobody check on Bill Clinton.
- Well…
- You do need to be checked on.
Look at you. You're so uptight.
Mom was worried you were gonna die
from a heart attack at 25.
Well, I didn't have
a heart attack until 28,
and the doctor said it was minor,
so the joke's on you.
[Destiny] You know what?
I'm done trying. Okay?
Seems like you don't want me here, Sofia,
and, you know what, fine.
- [Sofia chuckles]
- I'm leaving. And guess what?
You never have to see me again.
- [scoffs]
- Thank you for the ride earlier.
You know, you're cool as hell.
Give me some Gemini double dap.
Bam. Bam. Okay.
You know what, you…
Well, you forgot your dogs.
- [Destiny] They're yours now.
- [dog growls]
- "Big Beautiful Albanian Dua Lipa"…
- No, no, no, no.
It's not "Big Beautiful Albanian,"
it's "Beautiful Albanian."
Please stay focused, Armando.
"Beautiful Albanian Dua Lipa."
- Blackberry, almonds, dill, lobster.
- Hey.
You said to tell you
when she's out of the bathroom.
[gasps] Fuck. Okay. Here, take my phone.
Um, my face is so generic
you could use a potato to unlock it.
Just so you know, I don't wanna
freak you out or stress you out,
- but this is life or death.
- Yeah, all right.
Well, you should know
the spring rolls just went out,
and they do have cilantro in them. Okay?
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Mmm.
- Stop, stop. [panting]
- What are you doing?
Me "hungy." Baby so "hungy."
Oh. Oh?
This is new. Little baby talk?
- I can roll.
- Hmm.
Uh-oh. Mommy so "hungy" too.
- No, no, no. [grunts]
- Oh.
Mommy isn't.
Mommy full.
Oh, but Mommy want num nums.
No, num num for baby only.
My num num.
Arthur, give me the fucking spring roll.
What the hell is wrong with you?
I'm sorry.
The spring rolls have cilantro in them,
and I know you're allergic.
Oh, my God.
I get it now.
- Did Nicholas talk to you?
- Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Uh, Nicholas is great.
He takes such good care of me,
but he goes a little overboard sometimes.
[sighs]
I'm a little tougher than everyone thinks.
No, no, no. No, no, no. Stop, stop, stop.
See. Perfect. Fine.
Arthur, there's no reason to be nervous.
- I know.
- You're almost shaking.
[chuckles] I don't…
I know.
I'm sorry I've been uptight.
I…
I've just never been
with somebody like you,
and I know there's a thousand ways
I could mess this up.
Let me stop you right there.
Okay?
I'm a hundred percent in.
- I shaved my legs for this.
- [chuckles]
Above the knee.
[laughs]
There's no way you can mess this up.
[inhales deeply]
All right, well, since we didn't do
the four-and-a-half-hour tasting menu…
- [chuckles]
- …what do you want to do after this?
Okay, not these bowling shoes
looking perfect with my outfit.
[gasps] Do you think
if I steal these they'll arrest me?
Because take me to jail,
I'm so cute it's illegal.
[phone chimes]
[groans] Nicholas again.
What? No, I don't need wrist guards.
- [phone chimes]
- Yes, I stretched.
- [phone chimes]
- [sighs]
Cylindrical, normal consistency.
- [phone chiming]
- [groans] Th-This is ridiculous.
He thinks I'm a fragile flower.
I am a strong, capable woman,
who has been brushing her own teeth
for two years.
And we are two grown-ups
out on a dinner and bowling date,
- and nothing is going to happen.
- [panting] Molly.
- What?
- I can't breathe.
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Help me.
- Can't breathe.
- Oh, my God.
- The chain.
- I think you're allergic to that chain.
The chain. Get it off me.
Where is it?
I don't know where the clasp is.
- Quick.
- I can't see it.
- I can't get it off.
- I can't breathe.
Hold on. I'll call 911.
My phone. My phone.
Where's my phone? Where's my phone?
- [groans]
- Shit. I put it in the beer.
- What?
- Give me your phone. Give me your phone.
[exclaims] Armando has it.
- Who's Armando? Tell me. Talk to me.
- Armando has it.
- [wheezes] Dua Lipa.
- Dua Lipa. What are you saying?
- Dua Lipa.
- You're delirious.
- Oh, this sucks.
- We need help.
- Come on. Come on.
- [groans]
Come on. Got it?
Right there. Right there.
You can do it. You can do it.
- Hey, teens! A word.
- [wheezing continues]
Uh, hey. Um…
you know what would be
an absolute slay right now
is if one of you were to call 911.
My boyfriend's allergic to his necklace.
- We don't have our phones.
- [Molly] What?
Why not? You're kids.
We left them at home
for our mental health.
We're connecting in person
in hopes of having physical sex later,
which is a huge problem
for our generation.
- Yeah. It's true.
- It really is.
Ew, what? No.
Uh, where's the guy
that gave us our shoes?
He's in the parking lot doing whippets.
I need a fucking phone.
Landline? Landline?
Fuck. No landline.
If I die,
keep my body away from the teens.
I am not letting you die.
[wheezing continues]
Hurry. Hurry.
[Arthur groaning]
Don't move.
[gasps]
Oh, sweet relief.
- Stay with me!
- [groaning continues]
I got you. I got you.
[groaning continues]
[Arthur shouts]
[panting]
You're gonna be okay.
Thank you. I'm sorry.
I can still make love later.
- It's okay. It's all right.
- Okay.
- Okay. We're gonna play it by ear.
- Okay.
[both panting]
[melancholy music playing]
[sighs]
[music stops]
What are you doing here?
I called Howard.
Well, he called me and told me
that you ran out of gas again.
I'm surprised you even showed up.
You know, back at the office,
you was big mad.
Listen, I know I get upset that you
have problems with follow-through.
Let's be honest… you are a flake.
I prefer the term "chronic free spirit,"
thank you very much.
But it did occur to me that there's
one thing that you didn't flake on.
That you've never flaked on…
Checking on me every year,
without fail, ever since Mom passed.
Well, I only have one sister
in the world, Sofia.
I think if Mom wanted us to be together,
she had a reason, right?
Mm-hmm.
You know what happens
if we don't listen to Mom.
[both] No Oprah for a week.
[laughing]
Not us being ten-year-olds
obsessed with Oprah.
[laughs]
Learning about menopause, we're ten.
[both laugh]
Listen, why don't you
stick around for a while?
You can stay at my place.
Really?
[chuckles]
And I brought your dogs with me too.
No, you brought our dogs with you.
- [clicks tongue]
- Girl, they gonna love your house.
[both laugh]
So, we just gonna leave the car here?
- Yeah, they'll figure it out.
- Who's they?
Girl, I don't know. The people.
Are you an investigator
- or do you work at a nonprofit?
- It's the police, Destiny.
- You're already pissing me off.
- Why are we arguing again?
[both laughing]
[Arthur sighs]
- Oh, good. You're alive.
- [chuckles]
Molly told me what happened.
- Rough start.
- Yeah.
Turns out I'm allergic to 24-karat gold.
- Hmm.
- So, I wanted to give you this back.
- Oh.
- I'm sorry.
It's covered in neck pus.
Okay. Well, that's fine.
You know what they say,
"It's not fashion
if it doesn't almost kill ya."
[chuckles] Oh, um,
there's something else
I wanted to give you back.
[chuckles]
What are you doing?
Molly was amazing last night.
She ate cilantro.
We met some teens.
She saved my life.
She's a lot stronger than you think.
I… I'm not sure you need this.
Okay, but, um… Thi…
This is my life's work.
Well, maybe it's time
to try something new.
Switch things up a bit.
[sighs]
["Femme Fatale" playing]