The Venture Bros (2003) s03e06 Episode Script

Brock!
Aah! Oh!
Ow!
Rusty?
Nobody move!
I'll get it!
Colonel Fun has arrived!
Ah, you read my mind.
I need a stiff one
in me after that car ride.
Why, was I too fast for you, Horace?
Never let a woman
drive your Aston, Jonesie.
This one handles a stick
like it's got herpes.
Well, who knows,
with all the strange garages you park it in.
Hello, Dr. Venture.
Ms. Quymn.
More like,
Ms. Bullocks-buster.
If she won't take my name
maybe she'll take
a smack in her smart mouth.
Try me.
Mom, are you and Horace
quarrelling again?
No, Tara.
Oh, hello, Sunshine.
Got your nose.
Kano!
Take Tara downstairs, would you?
Go with the nice Chinaman, Tara, doll.
Ahem.
Where do we, you know?
H.E.L.P.eR.!
Oh, you pretty thing.
Just a little further
and we'll reach
the Lost City of Gold, Sabu.
Save me, oh, save me, Dr. Venture!
Dr. Quymn, I presume?
Kano, we're out of ice!
This time, I get to save you
from the savages!
Dr. Quymn, I presume.
Gently.
I sucked the poison out
but you were completely dehydrated.
What were you thinking
running about in the jungle in-
what is this, polyester?
"Humidity is no excuse
for wrinkles, Rusty. "
Pity your father also
didn't teach you not to steal
fertility idols from irritable head-hunters.
Oh, that.
I've been researching
alternative cures for impotence.
Oh, not for me, of course.
Have you not tried Viagra?
It gives me-
my customers headaches,
nausea, dyspepsia, and/or diarrhoea.
But enough shop talk.
How've you been?
What are you doing
way out here in the middle of nowhere?
Oh, you know, "curing cancer. "
- Ah.
- Well, I'm trying, anyway.
There've been a number of
obstacles.
Mother, is your friend all right?
Yes, my darlings.
Come and meet Dr. Venture.
These are my daughters,
Nancy and Drew.
- Hello, Dr. Venture.
- Pleased to meet you, sir.
Ah, hello, ladies, hello.
So, children.
The father must be-
I'm back.
Finally caught that son of a bitch
who's been sniffing around the campsite.
Big mo-fo, too.
Ew! Oh!
Rusty, this is Ginny
my bodyguard and
"right-hand man," as it were.
Oh, hello.
I'm Dr. V-
Ginny's a yank.
Just like you.
Not like him.
Ungh!
Well, really should be getti-
Oh, my god!
I'll just carry them.
Oh, poo.
Are you sure you can't stay
just a while longer, Rusty?
- He said he had to go. -Yes, won't you?
- Do stay for a while, please!
- They remind me of my boys.
- Please, pretty please!
They get really excited
about everything, too.
Bang, Clyde.
Aw.
Hey, enough with that already, Hank.
We're supposed to teach him
boxing, not tricks.
- You ready, Dean?
- No.
Brock, this is kind
of the saddest thing ever.
- Bang, Clyde.
- Stop it, Hank.
Yeah, it is, Dean.
But your pop says
we need the money, OK?
Now, fight!
Bang, Clyde.
Ow! Clyde!
Freeze, poachers!
Whoa, easy, lady.
Wait, don't!
They're with me!
Your fancy new pal's got
a nice little side line
selling apes
on the black market, Tara.
- Oh, Rusty, really?
- No!
- No, this isn't how it looks.
- Yeah, it is.
Mummy. What's going on?
Who are they?
We were in Thailand just last week
and we came across
this tragic little fella in a cage.
Terrible, terrible
Hank? Hank?
Do you feel cold?
Is your skin tingling?
and so we had to rescue the little guy.
Rigor. First symptoms
of malaria, I think.
reintroduce him to the wild.
Slowly.
In fact, hell, he looks ready to me.
What do you think, Brock?
Huh?
Uh-huh. Oh, oh, yeah, sure.
Sure, Dr. Venture.
See, feral instincts taking over already.
He's cured!
Yeah, we had a bit of a fling years ago.
Ah, she's one of those
bleeding hearts, save-the-world types.
So, no more teaching chimps to box, huh?
By the way,
thanks for that new personal low.
I like to mix it up,
keep you on your toes.
Speaking of which, new mission.
Operation "Do Rusty a Solid. "
I need you to keep
this Jimmy character distracted.
- Who?
- The bodyguard, what's his name.
- Who, Ginny?
- Yeah, him.
So, you two are identical twins?
Semi-identical, technically.
We just look lots alike.
Our own mum
can't tell us apart sometimes.
My dad's the same way with us.
Say, what do you gals do for fun?
Oh, well, back home we
usually like to solve mysteries.
Hey, me, too.
I'm more the adventuring type.
Oh, we go on adventures, as well!
Fight mummies
You know how it is,
mystery leads to museum
museum leads to mummy
and Bob's your uncle,
there we are, right in the thick of it.
I can bench-press.
I think he's kind of got a thing for her
and, well, frankly,
he's a bit of a wet blanket.
The only wet blankets
I'm interested in are the ones-
All right, I know where this is going.
You know, when we're sweating-
- Yes!
- Rolling around.
- Yes!
- When we're having-
OK, Doc, I get it!
All right.
Just making sure
we're all on the same page here.
Sex.
Son of a friggin' bitch!
Stay close.
Natives are real suspicious of outsiders
ever since that IKEA
opened up downriver.
The logging company
that supplies the lumber
for their Billy bookcases
has been trying
to force them off their ancestral lands.
He says it struck again last night.
The Were-o-dile.
Were-o-dile?!
Local folk legend.
Half man, half crocodile.
And covered in awful hair.
He says it tore the head off
their mightiest warrior.
He says it was as if someone
shook up a six-foot can of
blood soda
and somebody popped the top.
Poosh!
By day, it's an ordinary person.
But when the moon is full
and the Were-o-dile's spirit
is displeased, it seeks
vengeance upon the tribe.
He says it's your fault
that you brought
the wrath of the Were-o-dile
when you stole their idol.
Nice.
Oh, it's a sweetheart deal all around.
We don't even have to
flip a coin, 'cause they're identical.
Semi-identical. Means they're
monozygotic but developed different.
Listen to
the lady-killer on this one.
You have got to
super-stop it with that egghead crud.
Drew's got a freckle on her nose.
So, you can tell them apart.
Frith help us.
Play it cool, Dean-o.
You step to them with that line,
they're gonna think
you're some crazy obsessed
weirdo stalker who, like
draws pictures of them
in your notebook.
They're for the Venture Home news.
Pictures increase circulation.
And they'll think you,
like, talk to the pictures.
And then you cut out the lips
and the eyes with, like, a razor blade
and then you write dirty words
on them with your own poop
and you rub them on your chest.
What- where did-
C.S.I.
Well, I'm not interested in
playing it anything.
I like them.
I just don't like them like them.
- Well, I do.
- Which one?
I don't know.
Either one. Whatever.
I like Dean.
He's got that hot little
Iggy Pop body but with, like
a Weezer sort of style.
You little scammer-jammer!
I told you I like Dean!
- Go for Hank.
- Ew, no.
I don't like Hank at all.
I find him boorish.
You two just
keep clear of those boys.
You can have
all your prissy little adventures
or whatever with them.
But if I catch y'all
getting too adventurous
I'm gonna tan your hides.
Capiche?
Yes, ma'am.
Now, come here, you buttons!
Virginia, why do you
hate men so much?
I don't hate men, princess.
I just never met a real one.
- Well, ain't you a pretty one?
- Huh?
Oh, hey.
Brock Samson.
We weren't properly introduced.
Virginia Donne.
How's it hanging?
Oh, oh, tough guy, huh?
What do you drive?
'69 Charger.
Pfft, penis substitute.
Of course, all them horsies
under the hood ain't worth
a damn in this rugged terrain
without all-wheel drive.
Solid chassis,
pliant suspension, torque.
Look, uh
Whew.
Hot in the jungle, huh?
Uh, yeah.
Yes, it is. Yes, it is.
Moist heat grips you like a vice.
Maybe go for
a nice dip in the river?
Skinny-dip?
Um, yeah, maybe.
I'll do that.
Ho-ho, ease off the gas,
there, Mustang Sally.
Where I live, we drive
on the other side of the road.
What the hell?
Yes.
Ahh.
Wowza.
Sex.
Ahh.
Down now.
Oh, Rusty,
you really should quit smoking.
Don't smoke.
Then you really
need to get more exercise.
Brock second-hand
killing me.
Well, you can't tell me
this view wasn't worth the climb.
But I want to show you
something even more special.
God yes.
This is the entire reason I'm here.
It's called Solomon's heart.
This valley is the only place
on Earth it can grow.
But they only blossom
on mature trees, over 40 years old.
You see how the seeds form a heart?
- I do.
- Now you know why
it's so desperately important
we protect this rainforest.
Because hearts
Because these seeds
contain the antigens
that can cure cancer,
and who knows what else!
- Loneliness?
- With further research, I-
Did you say-
- Ow.
- Oh, let me. I'm sorry.
We should go.
It's getting dark, and I don't want to-
- But I want to.
- I don't want to get hurt.
You won't.
That felt good, didn't it?
It's not a good time. We have to
get back to camp before moonrise.
I'm sorry.
Wait a minute.
Wait, how do I-
- Oh, my god!
- You're the Were-o-dile!
I'm not the Were-o-dile!
You're the Were-o-dile!
How could you?!
You're my brother!
We're twins!
That means I'm a Were-o-dile, too!
Oh, no!
That- that doesn't really follow.
I mean, we have different hair.
And I have a huskier build,
let's admit it.
Plus, I barely have hair under there.
Me, too.
Not for lack of trying.
Run away!
I got him.
It was a close call, but I got him.
God, frigging harness buckle
is digging into my back.
- Is he dead?
- He looks dead.
He was upside-down for a while.
Blood probably rushed to his
- Ugh.
- Ugh.
Who did that to pop?!
Was it the Were-o-dile?
Did you see him, Brock?
No, I saw them.
- Two of them.
- Two of them?
Mummy? What's going on?
Girls, thank god!
Are you OK?
We're fine.
What's going on?
You're in shock.
We got to get you warm.
All right, no more screwing around!
This camp is officially
on full Were-o-dile alert!
Everyone in their bunks
now, come on!
Chop-chop!
Hey, your own bunks, dick.
Supercuts, you take first watch.
I want them out of here.
They're bringing
bad juju to this place.
Really, Ginny?
You know as well as I
this ridiculous Were-o-dile
is probably just some
logging company stooge
trying to put the scare into us.
Ask Rusty.
He was a boy adventurer.
I'm not asking him squat.
I don't like him.
That's unfortunate,
because I plan to ask Dr. Venture
to be my
lab assistant.
Oh, no, not that.
Oh, Ginny, if I didn't know better,
I'd think you were jealous.
Don't you worry.
I could never replace you.
But I have needs you simply
aren't capable of fulfilling, Ginny.
If you'd just give it a chance,
Tara Bear, I can be-
Dr. Venture is a trained scientist.
He can help me
in ways you never could.
Yeah, like out of your shorts.
Virginia!
You forget your place.
My place?
My place is
watching out for your asses.
Kindly remove your things
from this hut
and find lodging elsewhere.
No, you kindly remember this,
little miss fancy britches.
Just 'cause mommy and daddy
didn't love you enough
doesn't mean
I'm gonna clean up after you
every time you let a man
make a mess of your life!
Get out! Get out!
You monster!
I know what you really are, Tara!
Quit staring at my ass, Samson!
No means no!
Now get to your post.
Stay calm. Stay calm.
Don't let the demon out.
Curiouser and curiouser.
Dr. Quymn has a demon
she's afraid to let out.
Yet she calls Ginny a monster.
And both of them were in the woods
when Brock saw the Were-o-diles.
But where were Nancy and Drew
that whole time?
In their hut? Perhaps.
Then again, perhaps not!
One thing is certain, however.
Someone or someones
in this camp is the Were-o-dile!
And we're gonna get
to the bottom of- Hank
are you listening to me?
Actually, can you keep it down?
I'm trying to write a song for the girls.
Will you get with the program?
We've got a mystery to solve.
Then we should team up
with the girls.
We can't!
They're- they're suspects.
Then solve it tomorrow or something.
Man, what's your hurry?
What's your slow-ey?
You've gone soft on me,
Henry Allen so-called Venture!
You used to be all,
"go, Team Venture!"
But now-
now you're all, "go, team
"B-boobies!"
Gosh!
The natives are getting restless.
We're not long for this world.
Then before they kill us
and shrink our heads
and cut us up and eat us,
kiss me, Dr. Venture.
That's it.
Oh, yes,
I'm having the time of my life!
Aah!
Rusty?
Would you like to come
and play in my jungle fort?
Ready, Drew?
Ready, Freddie, Nancy Fancy.
Hey, Hank.
You're supposed to stay in your-
- Hey, Brock.
- Oh, hey, it's Dean.
Well, looks like it's up to me and you
to solve the mystery of the Were-o-dile.
Everyone else has
dumb girls on the brain.
All right,
you big Nebraskan oak.
Don't make me regret this.
You, too, Brock?!
You, too?!
The both of youse got jungle fever!
The both of youse.
Screw this.
Mood's totally blown.
Huh?
Ah.
"Meet me in the clearing
in 10 minutes. "
Hank?
- Yeah?
- Hank!
Find some dynamite and a big cargo net
and meet me behind the camp
in 10 minutes- 10!
- But-
- No buts! Do it!
The mystery is afoot.
Shh, it's me.
Why are you walking
through the jungle backwards?
I- I- I don't know.
Look, I'd love to chat, but I
really can't, 'cause- aah!
Shh, it's me.
And we've solved
the mystery of the Were-o-dile.
- You have? Well who-
- Not here.
Come back to our hut.
We'll show you everything.
But Hank
A storm is coming.
Can smell it.
Hard rain's gonna fall.
Hard rain.
Whoa!
Think I just found
my cure for impotence after all.
Now, if I could just
find a way to bottle that ass
I'd be a multimillionaire.
Here, have some of this.
What's-
It's a native potion
to ward off the Were-o-dile.
Where's Hank?
He said he'd be here.
Don't worry.
He won't bother us.
Just relax.
And we'll show you everything.
Oh, wow. OK, OK.
Oh, Rusty, you've no idea
how long it's been.
19 years, 2 months and 4 days.
W- w-wait!
Why- whoa, what are you
Please, we have to stop
Aah!
Help!
Oh, this isn't happening!
Help!
Just enjoy this.
Oh, my god!
You're the Were-o-diles!
Help!
Get your filthy mitts off of her!
What was that?
Ginny, what are you do-
I'm not gonna let him
break your heart again!
I'm not gonna let you
put your seed in her
and walk out that door again!
Brock, Brock!
Ow! Brock!
Oh, bodyguard,
bodyguard, anyone?
She's not the same
liquored-up little teenage
rich girl that you-
What teenager?
I haven't seen her since I was 10!
She doesn't need
your pills or your booze
or your shock therapy anymore!
I fixed her, not you!
I did! Me, me, me, me!
Oh, I see how it is.
- Damn, you're strong.
- Bring it on!
Try it again, asshole!
Damn, you're strong for a crazy old bitch!
She can fight!
You're acting
Dr. Quymn is the Were-o-dile!
She's- Oh, my god,
I almost fucked a Were-o-dile.
We have to stop her transformation
before she kills us all!
The power of Christ compels you!
Stop it, you little asshole!
She's not a Were-o-dile!
She's an epileptic!
Ew!
OK, OK.
You're OK, Tara Bear.
You're with Ginny now.
You've come a long way, baby.
Where's my amulet?
Oh, geez, OK.
Just this once.
Any-
anybody got a light for her?
Ah, ladies.
Fashionably late, I see.
Hey.
We never even believed
there was an actual Were-o-dile.
I mean, it's preposterous.
And we certainly
didn't mean for Hank to get hurt.
Tell your brother
he's a real hero for what he did.
The natives already did.
They even made him an honorary warrior
and gave him a circumcision.
- Oh.
- Hmm.
Does that mean you aren't
Ew.
Don't talk to him, girls.
Ginny, darling! Come along!
We're going!
Hey. How you holding
up there, broken arrow?
Can I get you anything?
I could use a cocoa.
Do we have any cocoa?
Or something stronger?
I just don't want to feel
anything anymore, Brock.
Oh, god.