The Venture Bros (2003) s03e05 Episode Script

The Buddy System

Hey kids, it's time for adventure at Rusty's Day Camp For Boy Adventurers-- The largest privately run day camp for budding super scientists in the area.
Learn adventuring from pros like action Johnny Master Billy Quiz-boy, and of course me Rusty Venture, star of the Rusty Venture cartoon.
Tell mom you need excitement.
Tell dad you need a cashier's check.
And we'll see you there.
At Rusty's Day Camp For Boy Adventurers! RUSTY: Makes me feel warm and fuzzy just trying to give back to the fans that made me.
BROCK: These kids paid $200 bucks a head to get in here and then you charge the another 20 to get their picture taken with a cardboard cutout.
I'm not sure that qualifies as "giving back.
" Alright, keep it down.
I don't want my fans to know how mean you are to their hero.
That's right, it's Rusty Venture! When do we eat, Sam? We wouldn't stopped for a cruller if we knew you were gonna starve us.
Oh, those are underrated.
There are fully stocked vending machines right next to the gift shack.
Why don't you two get yourself an eight-dollar bag of combos? Whew! Wowzie, some people just shouldn't breed.
Those are some ugly kids.
Kids? You're kidding, right? They're achondroplastic dwarves.
And they're almost as good as you or I and they deserve this camp as much as any other kid here.
Such a racist.
- They're not really a race, Doc.
- Will you listen to yourself, Hitler.
QUIZBOY: Well, not really a Boy Adventurer.
Well, why are you even here? Because you have a big head? Hey! All celebrities have large heads.
You ever see Christina Ricci in real life? So what are you? I'm a Quiz Boy.
It's a seriously underrated branch of boy genius.
Quiz boy? You don't really look like a little kid.
Come on.
OK, fine, I'm 35 years old.
You happy? I'm neither Boy, nor Adventurer.
You solved the case of "Let's hurt the unpaid volunteer's feelings.
" Pretty smart kid.
You know what you're gonna be? I'm gonna be a Boy Adventurer like Rusty Venture! What is "wrong"! You, my friend, are gonna be a Quiz Boy! No, I won't.
I'll take "yes you are" for 50 points.
We can't all be famous Adventurers.
That doesn't mean you have to be out of the adventure game altogether.
You mean, become a super villain? Shiver me timbers, no! I'm talking about the rubber mask set.
The little guys.
Do we get to wear cool costumes? You bet you do! If you run a museum you get yourself a glowing suit of armor.
You wanna protect your gold from meddling kids you might try a ghost miner 49er.
Look at me.
I look like Johnny Depp! [ Kids cheering .]
Oh, and that's not all.
Sometimes you get to hang out with people who were famous once, like Cher and the guy that did the voice for Inspector Gadget! What are you guys doing? You're on monarch time! You snack off the clock! Wait, see if they have that in a medium.
That's hilarious.
Honey, have you seen Tim-Tom and Kevin? Your Murderous Moppets? I sent them out on a thing.
Monarch, you're not arching Dr.
Venture in there, are you? What? No, no, sweetie.
This is reconnaissance work Pr-preemptive Arching.
Isn't that just arching? Well, maybe if you're retarded it-- man of manatee! - Where did you get that number? - You like it? It's a prototype for my Dr.
The Monarch costume.
I don't want to be picky but you're gonna trip on those wings.
And aren't you a little afraid that your cupcakes might slide out? Whatever, they're taped.
I'm more worried that it makes my ass look chunky.
Oh dear Come here, sit on your king's ever expanding throne.
What is that? No doubt a recruitment facility cleverly disguised as like, the gayest day camp ever.
What's that? It's huge! It can't be a kid.
Dean, that's a teenager.
Butbut, we don't look like that.
Oh, crap! He's coming over here.
I-I gotta go.
Dude, what is your problem? - Hey.
- Hey.
Your mom make you come to this loser con, too? I don't have a mommy.
So what, I don't have a dad.
He was in black ops.
Probably went undercover to kill somebody.
Hey, what was that nerdy kid's problem? That's my brother, Dean.
He's never seen another teenage boy before.
Hey, how many of you got fathers out there? Show of hands.
You! Why is your hand not up, man? What? No father? You don't look like Jesus, bro.
My daddy died while I was sleeping.
Oh, well, you had a father and now you're fuckin' free, man.
Let's go! Come on! I wanna see all those hands up! Oh, wait, Action Johnny's hand isn't up.
Why is that? Does he not have a father? No! Fathers are caring and protective men.
And I don't have one of those.
No, but who cares? Who cares, who cares, who cares, who cares! ! Maybe I did kill the dog.
Maybe I was the lizard man that stole your precious serum.
You loved that serum more than you loved me.
Father! I liked him better when he was strung out.
Poor bastard.
I can't believe you got him to do this.
I know.
You should read his rider.
He requested 20 bars of Lever 2000, one bottle of Crystal one bottle of Dom Perignon, and two cases of Tropicana Twisters.
[ Laughs .]
Who was that, Van Halen? No, that was Sean Puffy Combs Daddy.
Hey, Pop, can I show my new friend my bedroom? I've never had a friend in there.
Ya know, Pop, I've never even had a friend.
Hank! Stop calling me "Pop"! If these kids find out that their hero has had sex their heads will explode.
But I want to show my new-- This isn't all about you, Hank.
These kids want to see Rusty Venture.
Maybe when there's a cartoon called The Venture Brothers it'll be different.
Hey Hank, I could sure use your help with my judo class.
I can't do it without your ukemi.
I'll go change into my Gi! Smooth, Doc.
Wait till you have kids of your own.
Killing Blackulas with a sword is cool.
But do you know what's really cool? Safety! The Order Of The Triad has a lot of strange and dangerous enemies.
Enemies of safety! One of our enemies is invisible! And he can enter any home through the ground.
He's in your home now waiting for you in the basement.
His name is Radon! And he will give you lung cancer.
Lung cancer? But Al, I don't smoke.
Of course you don't, Jefferson.
Because smoking is more evil than the hoary Denizens of the underworld.
And if you smoked, we'd know it because we have a smoke detector in every room.
With fresh batteries! Remember-- if a smoke detector doesn't work, the silence ALL: Could be deadly! [ Silence .]
- When did we lose them? - That was my fault.
I really hit them with that Radon part.
We never get to my song! [ Grunts .]
Alright, you really gotta pound that hip in there.
Break his balance.
You can't just pull the guy over.
You have to roll him over your hip.
What's that throw called? That one's called o-goshi.
You mean O-gay-shi.
You guys look like a couple of bonobo chimps.
- What? - O-gay-shi Somebody pulls that ridiculous move on me I'd land my inside axe kick on their face.
I call it the widow-maker.
If I, like, kick a guy married with it.
Maybe you wanna come up here and show us some of your technique.
Yeah, you wish.
Too bad I had to register my hands and instep as lethal weapons.
The friggin' government made me do that.
What are you-- Kid, seriously? Are you for real? Brock, are your feet registered? Nobody's are.
They don't even do that.
This kid's insane.
[ Scoffs .]
Yeah, that's right.
You better walk away I'm not going anywhere.
What a-- what are you doing? Alright junior Adventurers! Who wants a tour of Rusty's scientastic facilities? [ Cheering .]
What was that up there? That kid was pushing my buttons hard.
I-I-I wanted to beat on him.
Don't even think about it, I'm uninsured.
Go cool down.
You look like you're gonna pop a blood vessel.
Yeah, I don't know what's got into me.
All aboard for fun! Next stop Excitement town! Don't forget to collect your free smile from the trolley conductor.
What are you two idiots doing? Get on that golf cart thing! Now! Sweetie, calm down.
It's a tour of the compound! That idiot Dr.
Venture is about to open his shirt and tell me where to stick the knife! You're arching.
I'm seizing an opportunity.
Now how do you do a screen capture? It's like shift, option-- Oh, crap! I made an umlaut.
[ Sighs .]
Hey, we're gonna use the buddy system.
The person seated next to you is your buddy.
Say "hi" to your buddy.
Hi, buddy.
If you touch something that melts your fingers off tell your buddy.
If you get a face full of burning hydrofluoric acid it's your buddy that drags you to one of the many eyewash stations.
Any questions? When do we get to meet Rusty? [ Sighs .]
I'm Rusty Venture.
Why can't you kids wrap your heads around that? What happened? I left Neverland so I could marry Wendy.
What do you think happened? Any good questions? Yes, the kid that's bigger than everyone else.
Yeah, it's Pat.
Pat McCrotch.
Yeah, is this gonna suck the whole time or is this the only part that sucks? I just want to gauge how much suck I have to friggin sit through.
Any real questions about the tour? OK, the blond boy.
Yes, Walter.
Walter Melon.
Is this gonna be doo-doo stupid-- Walter.
Walter, is it? Yes, locked in your room for two weeks with nothing to eat but potatoes.
And no car, ever.
- What does that have to do-- - Oh, what? I'm sorry, I thought you asked me how long your father is going to punish you.
So anybody that doesn't immediately give you respect, you murder? No, no.
Well I mean, I don't always kill them or anything.
Just like a bruise or two as a little reminder.
- I mean until this kid.
- Just talk to him.
When you treat a young man like an adult, he acts like an adult.
If he was an adult, I'd kick his ass.
You can't stoop to their level.
Yeah, that's the tr-- but another kid could, right? No, I know where you are going with this.
Yeah, I could get another kid to beat him down.
[ Laughing .]
- ORPHEUS: Not even close.
- BROCK: Don't bother.
I'm not listening.
- Who do I make this out to? - Dean.
Wait, you're not one of the Venture twins, are you? My dad told me so say "no" to that.
Look, kid, I have a plane parked right over there.
You say the word and we are outta here, man.
You don't need to live like this.
- BROCK: Dean? - Here.
Just say the word-- What are you doing, Jon? Leave the kid alone.
Just signing one of my baby pictures, Samson.
[ Nervous laugh .]
"Action Johnny" Hey, Dean, you wanna come with me.
I need a favor.
Just say the word, man! The E-Den! A fully enclosed, self sustaining biological environment.
Designed to prepare a single male and female astronaut for long term, space station inhabitancy.
Why is it so dirty? My father died before he taught me to care.
Alright, Billy, wanna give me a hand with this door? [ Straining .]
It's rusted shut.
When was the last time you opened this? The project was abandoned 40 years ago.
Maybe it's a push door.
Are you pulling or pushing? Huh, thought it would be empty with, like, a plaque that says how wonderful my dad was.
Alright, hands in pockets.
I don't care how soft something looks there's no putting your lips on anything.
This place smells like a hamper in a hippie's commune.
It's spooky.
Hey, don't touch that! It will make you sterile.
Wh-what is that? OK, kids.
So The E-Den.
A self contained-- We probably should get back to the camp grounds.
Arts and crafts-- [ Roaring .]
It's OK, I've talked to a gorilla before.
I know their language.
Koko, fine animal person gorilla.
Brows drink polite nipple there hurry.
Frown bad! Billy! Billy, I need a kitten! - Why do you need a kitten? - They like kittens.
Don't move, they can smell fear! - Can they smell urine? - It's like liquid fear! I pretty much knew this was gonna happen.
That's why I keep this sweet Betty ready to play.
The SMK Westlake S2.
Cool beans.
Is that a BB gun? Pellet, douche! Spring firing! Like I need a CO2 cartridge going off in my pants.
Action has just joined the server MeowI'm a pretty kitten, meow.
This isn't working and I don't know why you think it would! Oh! Son of a bitch! [ Roars .]
Tour's over, kids! Everybody out! BROCK: Harder.
Like, as hard as you can.
Start with your shoulders and snap it.
Try to punch behind my hand.
[ Grunts .]
Come on, Dean, at least keep your wrist straight.
- Where's your brother? - He went on dad's tour.
- Doc.
- What! Is Hank with you? Hold on - Yes, Hank is alive.
- What? - Look, Brock, I gotta go.
- Yeah, alright.
Hey, we have that demonstration thing at five.
- And could you tell Hank tha-- - Yes, bye! QUIZBOY: Let me out! It's me! Let me out! - Are you alone? - Yes! Let me out! Now! [ Kids gasp .]
OK! Everybody back on the people mover.
Come on! This is a fun day camp! I jettisoned the hand.
Got away.
I wasn't alone in there.
We lost one.
Well, where was his buddy? He had a buddy! They all had buddies! Rusty I saw a little kid get disemboweled.
You always wanted to be an Adventurer.
Not like answering trivia, is it, boy? OK, this is what's gonna happen.
I'm gonna tell the kids that the ape was a guy in a costume and never speak of this again.
Now give me that shoe.
How did you work with those two idiots all those years? I can't believe they missed the tour! Will you look at them You can't just send my Moppets out to arch your former enemy.
I put our name in with the Guild, and we'll be getting-- I don't wanna hate just anybody.
I wanna hate Venture.
Oh, here we go again.
Shh-shh! Wait! This should be good.
A hit, huh You want us to make him suffer or just end it quick and quiet like? No, no, nothing permanent.
Just, like, give him a little taste of fear.
And I guess you could break something small like a toe.
- We could take out his tongue.
- With a knife.
- Or remove his heart? - Yeah, with a knife.
- A bigger knife.
- Fucking knife! Yeah, you guys are, uh-- you're kinda creepy.
I think this may be a stupid idea.
Yeah, hey, uh, Monarch.
You wanna call the spooky twins home before I throw them there? Ahh! Crap! - He can't see you.
- Get down! BROCK: Oh, and Doc really misses you idiots.
I'm pretty sure he cries himself to sleep at night.
- He does? - Yeah.
Really? Now when I come out, you guys yell, "ghost!" Why don't we get to be ghosts? We have actual ghost experience.
It's a waste of good magic.
I have only the one sea ghost costume.
And you would not believe how many pirate costumes I have.
Sorry I'm late.
OK, where's Doc? I want to get this out of the way.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
It says in the program "Action Johnny and special guest star.
" Johnny don't like "and special" anything! MONARCH: Failures! Both of you! Failures! I can't even send you out for the simplest mission.
It's like you were trying to fail me! Was that the hover tank? Great, Sgt.
I can't even watch.
This is worse than seeing you with another man! Hey, that was not my idea.
I thought it would turn me on.
But it was just double the embarrassment.
- Boo! - Aahh! Whoa, not too jumpy pants.
Who did you think I was? Sorry, I thought you were Hank's new giant boy friend.
So Hank's finally out? He thinks that Dermott kid is the kitty's pajamas and he is, in fact, very rude.
You're pretty cute sometimes.
And you're the most-- You two girls talking about your periods? Don't let us men disturb your tea party.
I'm sure Silent Sally has some sweet makeup tips for ya.
Oh, and here's another one-- Keep your seatbelt on at all times.
Thanks, Brock.
These loafers have leather soles.
Where were you? I was cooking something up in the lab.
We've been keeping the crowd waiting with safety tips.
Action Johnny! Come give your Uncle Z a hug.
What is this shit? What is this shit man? Is this some kind of a joke? Did my father send you? Did he [ Sobbing .]
Keep him off of me! He's all kinds of crazy.
Brock, go cool Johnny off.
Get him a Zima or something.
Oh, God, oh God! [ Continues sobbing .]
Come now, Dr.
Venture, you told me it would be all cool.
Then I get here and Johnny's wired.
Yes, Dr.
Venture! Wired like a time bomb attached to a killer whale! Set to go off the moment you try to free yourself [ Cheering .]
[ Chuckles .]
You never lose it.
Seriously, you told me Johnny was clean now.
He's been dry for a month.
But he's been downing Xanax like they were Cheetos.
He'll be fine.
Just get in your little helicopter and do a few passes.
Can I shoot at him? I don't think so.
How 'bout scorpions? Can I drop scorpions on him? I bet that foreign guy could totally trounce your dad's lover.
- Who? - Your dad's lover in the bunny suit.
The one who picked Action Johnny up like he was gonna totally hump him.
Dude, do you have any idea what a dork you are? I mean, any? You think you're all hardcore, but you are so Dave Matthews.
You're lucky you look like a suicide girl because of your-- Nobody! That's not how! Whoa! Silent Sally speaks! OK, why don't you wait for me naked while I kick your boyfriend's-- [ Maniacal screams .]
Ow! Come on! You're very rude! Ahh! That child is a spinning murdertop.
Are you sure he's your son? Dean! Stop hitting the-- No, no-- They're kids, they're kids.
Why don't you let them work this out.
This is Sgt.
Hatred! Your nemesis! Welcome to flaming hell, Dr.
Venture! Scorch it, boys! [ Sighs .]
Not now.
Whoa there! Call off your Yeti-mummy! Ahh, he's murdering my boy.
This is monkey business! Brock, that suit is rented! Stop getting blood on it.
He started it! You can't just kill my bo-- What's this now? Come on, Venture.
You gotta get these kids off me.
I got a court order that says I can't be around these sexy little children! Alright, kids, nice job vanquishing the villain.
Isn't this the best play you ever saw? Now go back to your seats.
[ Groaning .]
We got to get on the same page here.
I'm just pulling a Moses on some shrubs.
It's rock bottom henching.
Well, you can't just barge in and expect a hug.
I'm running a day camp today.
My patoot.
Says right here-- "Wednesday, 5:30, menace Dr.
" Let me see that.
And I'm sorry about my man Brock.
He's not as good with children as I am and they're getting to him.
OK, here's your problem, 5:30 a.
Looks like a fancy "P.
" Alright, fine.
Malice troop! Back in the hover tank! - Private Schwa! - Sir! Yeah, ask the gang where they want to stop for chow.
Sir, yes sir! I'm thinking a little soup.
See if Au Bon Pain is OK.
So, I'm just gonna tick this off as an arch.
If you could just sign here.
And there's a little space for comments.
I guess you could say I was absolutely menacing and-- This bruhaha brings me back! Get right out of town! The Doctor Z! Oh, man, I love your work.
When you had Kassim eaten by what-- A-a-a damn cheetah or something.
The guy kills his own number two.
That is priceless.
The fool! He made his last blunder! Oh, oh! This guy right here-- Total pro! Oh, I gotta get a picture! - Private Tilday! - Sir! Yes, sir! Get the surveillance equipment.
[ Click .]
WHITE: Well, I better get the little guy home.
Keep an eye out for his hand.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm sure it'll turn up.
That's my dad! Thanks for the zombie self defense lessons, Mr.
Uh Have you seen our son, Kyle? Oh, there you are! I have your sweet boy here.
You sure he's okay? He's limp.
And did you-- We shaved his head for the sack race.
Wind resistance.
Yeah, first place.
Then, in Boy Adventurer tradition we poured victory plasma over him.
Heh, heh.
Good fun.
He'll be fine.
- You didn't - Oh, please.
You shoulda seen that kid's DNA.
He was a ticking time bomb of cancer.
I cleared that up.
Trust me, they'll thank me after they re-potty-train him.
Short and Sassy shampoo? Do they even make that anymore? Ummm, no, because you mix Short and Sassy with the active ingredient in Certs, which is Retsyn, you get napalm.
You lather that up, and it's goodbye to, like, most of your face.
That's my mom.
I gotta brush.
Hey, Dermott? Are you gonna call me or whatever friends do when they're friends? Yeah, we'll hang.
Shake it sleazy, loser.
Bye bye, loser! Heh heh.
Dermott, sweetie? Did you meet him? Yeahhe was okay.
You sure he's my real father? How did we do, mum? Just as I asked.
My little Moppets were perfect as always.
Come give your lady a hug.
Mmm, I like the new costume, mum.
I like hugging you in the new costume.
OK, it is time to stop.

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