The Venture Bros (2003) s03e06 Episode Script

Dr. Quymn, Medicine Woman

Brock! Aah! Oh! Ow! Rusty? Nobody move! I'll get it! Colonel Fun has arrived! Ah, you read my mind.
I need a stiff one in me after that car ride.
Why, was I too fast for you, Horace? Never let a woman drive your Aston, Jonesie.
This one handles a stick like it's got herpes.
Well, who knows, with all the strange garages you park it in.
Hello, Dr.
More like, Ms.
If she won't take my name maybe she'll take a smack in her smart mouth.
Try me.
Mom, are you and Horace quarrelling again? No, Tara.
Oh, hello, Sunshine.
Got your nose.
Kano! Take Tara downstairs, would you? Go with the nice Chinaman, Tara, doll.
Where do we, you know? H.
! Oh, you pretty thing.
Just a little further and we'll reach the Lost City of Gold, Sabu.
Save me, oh, save me, Dr.
Venture! Dr.
Quymn, I presume? Kano, we're out of ice! This time, I get to save you from the savages! Dr.
Quymn, I presume.
I sucked the poison out but you were completely dehydrated.
What were you thinking running about in the jungle in- what is this, polyester? "Humidity is no excuse for wrinkles, Rusty.
" Pity your father also didn't teach you not to steal fertility idols from irritable head-hunters.
Oh, that.
I've been researching alternative cures for impotence.
Oh, not for me, of course.
Have you not tried Viagra? It gives me- my customers headaches, nausea, dyspepsia, and/or diarrhoea.
But enough shop talk.
How've you been? What are you doing way out here in the middle of nowhere? Oh, you know, "curing cancer.
" - Ah.
- Well, I'm trying, anyway.
There've been a number of obstacles.
Mother, is your friend all right? Yes, my darlings.
Come and meet Dr.
These are my daughters, Nancy and Drew.
- Hello, Dr.
- Pleased to meet you, sir.
Ah, hello, ladies, hello.
So, children.
The father must be- I'm back.
Finally caught that son of a bitch who's been sniffing around the campsite.
Big mo-fo, too.
Ew! Oh! Rusty, this is Ginny my bodyguard and "right-hand man," as it were.
Oh, hello.
I'm Dr.
V- Ginny's a yank.
Just like you.
Not like him.
Ungh! Well, really should be getti- Oh, my god! I'll just carry them.
Oh, poo.
Are you sure you can't stay just a while longer, Rusty? - He said he had to go.
-Yes, won't you? - Do stay for a while, please! - They remind me of my boys.
- Please, pretty please! They get really excited about everything, too.
Bang, Clyde.
Hey, enough with that already, Hank.
We're supposed to teach him boxing, not tricks.
- You ready, Dean? - No.
Brock, this is kind of the saddest thing ever.
- Bang, Clyde.
- Stop it, Hank.
Yeah, it is, Dean.
But your pop says we need the money, OK? Now, fight! Bang, Clyde.
Ow! Clyde! Freeze, poachers! Whoa, easy, lady.
Wait, don't! They're with me! Your fancy new pal's got a nice little side line selling apes on the black market, Tara.
- Oh, Rusty, really? - No! - No, this isn't how it looks.
- Yeah, it is.
What's going on? Who are they? We were in Thailand just last week and we came across this tragic little fella in a cage.
Terrible, terrible Hank? Hank? Do you feel cold? Is your skin tingling? and so we had to rescue the little guy.
First symptoms of malaria, I think.
reintroduce him to the wild.
In fact, hell, he looks ready to me.
What do you think, Brock? Huh? Uh-huh.
Oh, oh, yeah, sure.
Sure, Dr.
See, feral instincts taking over already.
He's cured! Yeah, we had a bit of a fling years ago.
Ah, she's one of those bleeding hearts, save-the-world types.
So, no more teaching chimps to box, huh? By the way, thanks for that new personal low.
I like to mix it up, keep you on your toes.
Speaking of which, new mission.
Operation "Do Rusty a Solid.
" I need you to keep this Jimmy character distracted.
- Who? - The bodyguard, what's his name.
- Who, Ginny? - Yeah, him.
So, you two are identical twins? Semi-identical, technically.
We just look lots alike.
Our own mum can't tell us apart sometimes.
My dad's the same way with us.
Say, what do you gals do for fun? Oh, well, back home we usually like to solve mysteries.
Hey, me, too.
I'm more the adventuring type.
Oh, we go on adventures, as well! Fight mummies You know how it is, mystery leads to museum museum leads to mummy and Bob's your uncle, there we are, right in the thick of it.
I can bench-press.
I think he's kind of got a thing for her and, well, frankly, he's a bit of a wet blanket.
The only wet blankets I'm interested in are the ones- All right, I know where this is going.
You know, when we're sweating- - Yes! - Rolling around.
- Yes! - When we're having- OK, Doc, I get it! All right.
Just making sure we're all on the same page here.
Son of a friggin' bitch! Stay close.
Natives are real suspicious of outsiders ever since that IKEA opened up downriver.
The logging company that supplies the lumber for their Billy bookcases has been trying to force them off their ancestral lands.
He says it struck again last night.
The Were-o-dile.
Were-o-dile?! Local folk legend.
Half man, half crocodile.
And covered in awful hair.
He says it tore the head off their mightiest warrior.
He says it was as if someone shook up a six-foot can of blood soda and somebody popped the top.
Poosh! By day, it's an ordinary person.
But when the moon is full and the Were-o-dile's spirit is displeased, it seeks vengeance upon the tribe.
He says it's your fault that you brought the wrath of the Were-o-dile when you stole their idol.
Oh, it's a sweetheart deal all around.
We don't even have to flip a coin, 'cause they're identical.
Means they're monozygotic but developed different.
Listen to the lady-killer on this one.
You have got to super-stop it with that egghead crud.
Drew's got a freckle on her nose.
So, you can tell them apart.
Frith help us.
Play it cool, Dean-o.
You step to them with that line, they're gonna think you're some crazy obsessed weirdo stalker who, like draws pictures of them in your notebook.
They're for the Venture Home news.
Pictures increase circulation.
And they'll think you, like, talk to the pictures.
And then you cut out the lips and the eyes with, like, a razor blade and then you write dirty words on them with your own poop and you rub them on your chest.
What- where did- C.
Well, I'm not interested in playing it anything.
I like them.
I just don't like them like them.
- Well, I do.
- Which one? I don't know.
Either one.
I like Dean.
He's got that hot little Iggy Pop body but with, like a Weezer sort of style.
You little scammer-jammer! I told you I like Dean! - Go for Hank.
- Ew, no.
I don't like Hank at all.
I find him boorish.
You two just keep clear of those boys.
You can have all your prissy little adventures or whatever with them.
But if I catch y'all getting too adventurous I'm gonna tan your hides.
Capiche? Yes, ma'am.
Now, come here, you buttons! Virginia, why do you hate men so much? I don't hate men, princess.
I just never met a real one.
- Well, ain't you a pretty one? - Huh? Oh, hey.
Brock Samson.
We weren't properly introduced.
Virginia Donne.
How's it hanging? Oh, oh, tough guy, huh? What do you drive? '69 Charger.
Pfft, penis substitute.
Of course, all them horsies under the hood ain't worth a damn in this rugged terrain without all-wheel drive.
Solid chassis, pliant suspension, torque.
Look, uh Whew.
Hot in the jungle, huh? Uh, yeah.
Yes, it is.
Yes, it is.
Moist heat grips you like a vice.
Maybe go for a nice dip in the river? Skinny-dip? Um, yeah, maybe.
I'll do that.
Ho-ho, ease off the gas, there, Mustang Sally.
Where I live, we drive on the other side of the road.
What the hell? Yes.
Down now.
Oh, Rusty, you really should quit smoking.
Don't smoke.
Then you really need to get more exercise.
Brock second-hand killing me.
Well, you can't tell me this view wasn't worth the climb.
But I want to show you something even more special.
God yes.
This is the entire reason I'm here.
It's called Solomon's heart.
This valley is the only place on Earth it can grow.
But they only blossom on mature trees, over 40 years old.
You see how the seeds form a heart? - I do.
- Now you know why it's so desperately important we protect this rainforest.
Because hearts Because these seeds contain the antigens that can cure cancer, and who knows what else! - Loneliness? - With further research, I- Did you say- - Ow.
- Oh, let me.
I'm sorry.
We should go.
It's getting dark, and I don't want to- - But I want to.
- I don't want to get hurt.
You won't.
That felt good, didn't it? It's not a good time.
We have to get back to camp before moonrise.
I'm sorry.
Wait a minute.
Wait, how do I- - Oh, my god! - You're the Were-o-dile! I'm not the Were-o-dile! You're the Were-o-dile! How could you?! You're my brother! We're twins! That means I'm a Were-o-dile, too! Oh, no! That- that doesn't really follow.
I mean, we have different hair.
And I have a huskier build, let's admit it.
Plus, I barely have hair under there.
Me, too.
Not for lack of trying.
Run away! I got him.
It was a close call, but I got him.
God, frigging harness buckle is digging into my back.
- Is he dead? - He looks dead.
He was upside-down for a while.
Blood probably rushed to his - Ugh.
- Ugh.
Who did that to pop?! Was it the Were-o-dile? Did you see him, Brock? No, I saw them.
- Two of them.
- Two of them? Mummy? What's going on? Girls, thank god! Are you OK? We're fine.
What's going on? You're in shock.
We got to get you warm.
All right, no more screwing around! This camp is officially on full Were-o-dile alert! Everyone in their bunks now, come on! Chop-chop! Hey, your own bunks, dick.
Supercuts, you take first watch.
I want them out of here.
They're bringing bad juju to this place.
Really, Ginny? You know as well as I this ridiculous Were-o-dile is probably just some logging company stooge trying to put the scare into us.
Ask Rusty.
He was a boy adventurer.
I'm not asking him squat.
I don't like him.
That's unfortunate, because I plan to ask Dr.
Venture to be my lab assistant.
Oh, no, not that.
Oh, Ginny, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were jealous.
Don't you worry.
I could never replace you.
But I have needs you simply aren't capable of fulfilling, Ginny.
If you'd just give it a chance, Tara Bear, I can be- Dr.
Venture is a trained scientist.
He can help me in ways you never could.
Yeah, like out of your shorts.
Virginia! You forget your place.
My place? My place is watching out for your asses.
Kindly remove your things from this hut and find lodging elsewhere.
No, you kindly remember this, little miss fancy britches.
Just 'cause mommy and daddy didn't love you enough doesn't mean I'm gonna clean up after you every time you let a man make a mess of your life! Get out! Get out! You monster! I know what you really are, Tara! Quit staring at my ass, Samson! No means no! Now get to your post.
Stay calm.
Stay calm.
Don't let the demon out.
Curiouser and curiouser.
Quymn has a demon she's afraid to let out.
Yet she calls Ginny a monster.
And both of them were in the woods when Brock saw the Were-o-diles.
But where were Nancy and Drew that whole time? In their hut? Perhaps.
Then again, perhaps not! One thing is certain, however.
Someone or someones in this camp is the Were-o-dile! And we're gonna get to the bottom of- Hank are you listening to me? Actually, can you keep it down? I'm trying to write a song for the girls.
Will you get with the program? We've got a mystery to solve.
Then we should team up with the girls.
We can't! They're- they're suspects.
Then solve it tomorrow or something.
Man, what's your hurry? What's your slow-ey? You've gone soft on me, Henry Allen so-called Venture! You used to be all, "go, Team Venture!" But now- now you're all, "go, team "B-boobies!" Gosh! The natives are getting restless.
We're not long for this world.
Then before they kill us and shrink our heads and cut us up and eat us, kiss me, Dr.
That's it.
Oh, yes, I'm having the time of my life! Aah! Rusty? Would you like to come and play in my jungle fort? Ready, Drew? Ready, Freddie, Nancy Fancy.
Hey, Hank.
You're supposed to stay in your- - Hey, Brock.
- Oh, hey, it's Dean.
Well, looks like it's up to me and you to solve the mystery of the Were-o-dile.
Everyone else has dumb girls on the brain.
All right, you big Nebraskan oak.
Don't make me regret this.
You, too, Brock?! You, too?! The both of youse got jungle fever! The both of youse.
Screw this.
Mood's totally blown.
Huh? Ah.
"Meet me in the clearing in 10 minutes.
" Hank? - Yeah? - Hank! Find some dynamite and a big cargo net and meet me behind the camp in 10 minutes- 10! - But- - No buts! Do it! The mystery is afoot.
Shh, it's me.
Why are you walking through the jungle backwards? I- I- I don't know.
Look, I'd love to chat, but I really can't, 'cause- aah! Shh, it's me.
And we've solved the mystery of the Were-o-dile.
- You have? Well who- - Not here.
Come back to our hut.
We'll show you everything.
But Hank A storm is coming.
Can smell it.
Hard rain's gonna fall.
Hard rain.
Whoa! Think I just found my cure for impotence after all.
Now, if I could just find a way to bottle that ass I'd be a multimillionaire.
Here, have some of this.
What's- It's a native potion to ward off the Were-o-dile.
Where's Hank? He said he'd be here.
Don't worry.
He won't bother us.
Just relax.
And we'll show you everything.
Oh, wow.
Oh, Rusty, you've no idea how long it's been.
19 years, 2 months and 4 days.
W- w-wait! Why- whoa, what are you Please, we have to stop Aah! Help! Oh, this isn't happening! Help! Just enjoy this.
Oh, my god! You're the Were-o-diles! Help! Get your filthy mitts off of her! What was that? Ginny, what are you do- I'm not gonna let him break your heart again! I'm not gonna let you put your seed in her and walk out that door again! Brock, Brock! Ow! Brock! Oh, bodyguard, bodyguard, anyone? She's not the same liquored-up little teenage rich girl that you- What teenager? I haven't seen her since I was 10! She doesn't need your pills or your booze or your shock therapy anymore! I fixed her, not you! I did! Me, me, me, me! Oh, I see how it is.
- Damn, you're strong.
- Bring it on! Try it again, asshole! Damn, you're strong for a crazy old bitch! She can fight! You're acting Dr.
Quymn is the Were-o-dile! She's- Oh, my god, I almost fucked a Were-o-dile.
We have to stop her transformation before she kills us all! The power of Christ compels you! Stop it, you little asshole! She's not a Were-o-dile! She's an epileptic! Ew! OK, OK.
You're OK, Tara Bear.
You're with Ginny now.
You've come a long way, baby.
Where's my amulet? Oh, geez, OK.
Just this once.
Any- anybody got a light for her? Ah, ladies.
Fashionably late, I see.
We never even believed there was an actual Were-o-dile.
I mean, it's preposterous.
And we certainly didn't mean for Hank to get hurt.
Tell your brother he's a real hero for what he did.
The natives already did.
They even made him an honorary warrior and gave him a circumcision.
- Oh.
- Hmm.
Does that mean you aren't Ew.
Don't talk to him, girls.
Ginny, darling! Come along! We're going! Hey.
How you holding up there, broken arrow? Can I get you anything? I could use a cocoa.
Do we have any cocoa? Or something stronger? I just don't want to feel anything anymore, Brock.
Oh, god.

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