Nurse Jackie s03e09 Episode Script

Previously on "Nurse Jackie" - Can I get a hug? - Sorry, fresh out.
After work come by my place.
I'll see if I can't scrounge something up for you.
You feel like doing me a favor and bringing this up to the thieves in Oncology for me? - Sure, no problem.
- Appreciate it.
Pharmacy guy asked me to bring this up to them.
I'll tell you what-- you go change my catheter in six.
I'll bring this up to Oncology for pharmacy guy.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
You gave Kelly Saturday off? Really? That's bullshit.
- This is gonna crush morale.
- I'm sorry, Jackie.
I think Mr.
Slater has done wonders for morale.
Your mother and I are getting a divorce.
And I was starting to feel like it might be okay again.
We're okay, Kevin.
It is okay.
It is okay.
We're okay.
Home sweet home.
- Which floor is yours? - All of them.
Wow.
Well done, you.
That's right, isn't it? "Well done, you"? Absolutely.
Well done, me.
Ugh, my head is killing me.
You don't have anything, do you? No, nothing fancy.
I'm talking about over-the-counter.
Aspirin.
Have any aspirin? - Ah.
- Yes? God bless you.
Thanks.
Oh, there's only six.
What? It's ibuprofen.
I have a really big headache.
Nobody needs six.
Okay, fine.
- That's all I'm saying.
- Oh, for God's sake.
Bottoms up.
- Come on.
- Mm-hmm.
Truck comes out of nowhere-- bam, you're dead.
What is that? Why bother getting sober? I've seen more junkies hit by shit than sober people.
That's all I'm saying.
And I'm saying if I'm gonna get run over, I'd rather be fucked up.
- Who's fucked up? - One of his A.
A.
guys is dead.
Hey, Jackie, you remember Bill.
- He's fuckin' dead.
- Wow, I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah, he sponsored 50 people.
They're gonna be wrecked, man.
- He was their lifeline, you know? - I know.
You're a little shvitzy.
Did you jog to work? I rode my bike.
Hey, what kind of bike you got? A magic bike.
Why is there champagne in the insulin fridge? - If you're looking for Jackie - I'm not.
Yo, new guy, Kelly.
- I need to see you in the Pharmacy.
- Can it wait a sec? Did I say "I want to see you" or "need to see you?" First things first-- - I'm not accusing anyone of anything.
- It doesn't sound that way.
Look, I've dealt with my fair share of strung-out RN's before.
And that's unfortunate, but I got a pre-teen with a broken collarbone - waiting for a pudding cup, so-- - And you know what I got? I got enough narcotics in here to put the whole world into a nice, warm coma for a week.
- That's a fact.
- It's what you signed up for.
You're the pharmacist.
Step aside.
I sent you up to Oncology with 40 fentanyl patches.
Only 30 got there.
- Fuck.
- Yeah, fuck.
And I'm fucking Einstein when it comes to squaring up my inventory.
- But fentanyl, morphine, dilaudid-- - Yeah, I know.
I get it.
And I don't answer to Gloria-fucking-Akalitus on the schedule is.
- I answer to the State.
- No, I know.
Look, I got lazy and I handed them off to - I I I don't wanna know.
I gave them to you.
- Make it right.
- Yeah, definitely.
Your fingerprints won't be anywhere near this.
- I'll fix it.
- Yeah, you will.
You have my word.
All right.
Dudeville-- population: Three.
Booyah! Yeah well, Kelly's got some business to take care of.
- Dudeville-- - Two.
Listen, I got a lot going on, so whatever it is, make it fast.
- She's pretty, right? - What are you, creeping on Facebook now? What do you care if I think she's pretty? She's gonna be my wife, Eddie.
My old family failed, so I'm starting a new one.
Woke up, logged on, started looking up old girlfriends-- boom.
She's the one.
Went out with her for a year in high school.
Still single.
Doesn't mean she's not a catch.
Look at me-- total catch, still single.
We're looking for you.
- Coop's wife, Facebook.
- I'm dying to hear about it.
- We've got a girl who needs stitches.
- Can't O'Hara-- A forehead, Coop-- tiny stitches.
Go be a hero.
Go.
- Popula-- - Stop! - Seventh floor.
H.
R.
? - Yeah.
Just crossing my t's, dotting my i's.
Good lord, where have you been all my life? Listen, if I can find the money, would you be interested in staying on full time? I go where I am needed.
We need you! It was like 4:00 in the morning and we were all tired.
- The groom was getting his table dance-- - At the wedding? Who gets a table dance at their wedding? - Pay attention.
- How would I know? I don't go to weddings.
I think people forget to invite me.
Sorry, I was at a bachelor party.
Tagged along when I shouldn't have.
I do that all the time.
Not bachelor parties.
Never been to one.
They're not so great.
I mean look at me.
I came all the way from Boston.
I'm sitting in a club, and Cheyenne or whatever her name is swings her leg and-- bam, nails me in the head with her 4" heel.
Now I'm probably gonna have a scar and I'm gonna have to wear a cast.
So believe me, you're not missing much.
Yeah, I am.
I'm missing a lot.
There's a hole in my life.
When I take a step back and look at it, it's in the shape of a wife.
I'm thinking it's gonna be this girl from high school.
I'm gonna ask her to marry me.
Hold still.
This might pinch a little.
I know everyone around here is gonna think I'm an idiot for moving so fast, but they don't know what it's like having everything and nothing at the same time.
Yeah.
No, I get it.
She must be psyched.
A handsome doctor-- Jeez.
Jackpot, right? So how fast are you moving? That's the best part.
She doesn't even know I'm a doctor.
I haven't talked to her in 20 years.
Just picked her out on Facebook this morning.
Here, wanna see a pic? Look.
Imagine the Christmas card.
- Hot.
- Oh my God.
I just let you sew my face up.
And you'll be glad you did.
Here, look.
Stop telling me to look at things.
X-Ray's ready for the wrist.
- Let's go.
- Aw, come on, I worked really hard on that.
You should look.
Listen, this is not what it looks like.
Eddie's on point.
He runs a tight ship, 100%.
You do understand that inventory can be manipulated, yes? - I do, but that's not-- - Did you open the bag and count them? No, man, I didn't.
But if he says there were 40, I'm sure there were 40.
- This is all on me.
- We're talking about a fireable offense for you, Mr.
slater.
No, not without a probationary period and a urine test, both of which I'm happy to comply with.
- I have nothing to hide.
- It doesn't change the fact that you broke the chain of custody during an inter-pharmacy run.
On my first or second day? Come on, man.
Look, if I could tell you who I handed them off to, I would tell you.
Do you recall if it was man or woman? I don't.
I don't even know if it was a nurse or a doctor.
That's how big of a blur it was for me.
Look, I didn't know my way around, so I handed them off to someone.
That's all I can tell you.
It might've been a guy.
Well, I appreciate you coming by and owning up to your part in the matter.
Yeah, let me know if there's anything else I can do.
- You got a bag? - No bag.
You been outside? It's nice out.
- Not doing so good, huh? - I'm doing great.
Everyone makes mistakes? Ah, body language.
Not even acknowledging my presence.
Which means she's either "A", scared of you or "B", lulling you into a false sense of security so she can kill you and eat you for lunch.
Or "C", I am saving the chit-chat for the patients.
Oh, well hello.
Nice to meet you.
I am your patient.
Not even two seconds ago I reached into my kit - and stuck myself with an epi.
- What-- why is it still in your finger? - I wanted to show it to you.
- Jesus Christ.
Lenny, you have epinephrine flowing into your heart.
- Hi, boo! - You did not.
- Why? - What do you mean "why"? It wasn't intentional.
- Okay, now I'm feeling dizzy.
- Yeah, sit.
Oh fuck, my heart.
If you go into cardiac arrest, I will kill you.
Zoey.
You're gonna be fine.
We're just gonna put you on the monitor, keep an eye on you for about four hours.
If you need anything we'll be right here.
Zoey, get the leads, please? You're a very soothing nurse.
Oh, your hands are clammy though.
My hands are not clammy.
Your senses are all fucked up.
Keep your observations to yourself.
That's the Jackie I know and love.
I had to see for myself.
Lenny, Lenny, Lenny.
- You okay? - No.
Me? Yeah, I'm fine.
Why? - Oh.
- Here you go, Jackie.
It's all yours.
Thor, my kid's sick.
I think I might have caught it.
Do me a favor.
Can you go to Duane Reade? Pick me up some antihistamines and cough syrup, robo DXM? Ooh, careful with the DXM.
I double-dosed for a nasty cough, started to hear angels.
- Anything else? - New feet.
Hey, is it cool with you if I take off for a little bit? - Yeah sure, let's all take off.
- No, seriously.
I wanna hit Bill's memorial service.
Only about an hour.
Sam, it's not a good time to be off the floor.
You know what? Fine, go.
Do me a favor and go to Duane Reade.
Pick me up some no-doz.
The news-stand is out of it.
I was up all night with a sick kid.
Sure.
Hot, right? Make good-looking kids, don't you think? You might want to let her accept your friend request before you start naming them.
Stop.
Tell me you didn't buy a rolex.
Dude, I'm a doctor.
Shouldn't you be saving your money for an engagement ring? That's what I'm gonna use my fantasy football money for.
Cooper Duper's still on top, right? Yes, but-- wow.
Paying for an engagement ring with money you make from fantasy football-- - doesn't get much straighter than that.
- No, it doesn't.
Oh my God, she just accepted my friend request! It is so on! An hour on Craigslist, really? Are you sure you wanna sell it? It's a great pinball machine, but she offered me cash.
And nobody really plays anymore.
The bells bother grace.
I feel like times are tight.
You know? So I'll take it out to her in Montauk and grab a bite, then I'll head back.
Montauk? That's kind of a haul.
Maybe we should call Tunie, see if she can watch the girls.
All right.
Let me get into it, okay? Love you.
All right.
Love you back.
Father and son, dislocated shoulders.
A sale or something? A little two-for-one? Yeah, you're about as funny as a box of orphans.
- I try.
- Yeah? Well, try harder.
- Dad.
- What? She comes in, makes a stupid crack.
Gentlemen, we have two options.
The first is to sedate you both, put the shoulders back in place, in which case you'll stay here until the sedative wears off.
Yeah, no.
We're not sticking around.
I gotta meet my parole officer at 5:00.
All right, the second option is to give you both a local, say, novocain-- - so stop talking and do it.
- You could at least let her finish.
- Will you shut the fuck up, huh? - Whoa, watch yourself.
He just got out of prison.
He's got a mouth on him, I know.
- Is that your father? - Father-in-law.
We were living in the house while he was away, taking care of Frankie's mom.
Came back to get our flatscreen and he lost his shit on Frankie.
Let's get you guys outta here.
What are you telling her out there, huh? You talking about the fucking TV again? - I bought it so I could watch the Jets.
- It was a gift.
- You're a fucking Indian giver.
- Let's get Kelly in here.
Ortho's on its way.
Try not to break anything else.
Makes me want to call my own father and tell him I love him.
By which I mean ask him what he's reading and find out how the dogs are.
Listen, I'm sorry.
I just-- I know he seems bad, but he's just from a different generation.
Really? I mean he looks about 50.
No, you-- you know what I mean.
- No, I'm afraid I don't.
- Please, anything that you could do to speed this up would be amazing.
If he misses his parole officer, they'll send him back-- All Saints will call whoever and tell them he's in the hospital.
It happens every day.
He broke my nose once and I'm not even related.
Can we please just try and not piss him off? Yeah, got it.
Mm.
See? Your heart rate went up.
So? Wait.
What are you doing? Lie detector.
Have at it, barkow.
I'm an open book.
Are you interested in seeing other people? - No.
- Good answer.
- Yeah.
Do you have, like, crazy credit-card debt or an ex-wife buried in your yard or anything weird that you haven't told me about? Nope.
I don't even like to carry a balance.
- Uh-huh.
- Mm.
Who did you vote for in the last presidential election? - Oh my God, are you-- - No no no! I just-- it's not what you think.
I-- I just can't even remember who ran.
- Did you even vote? - I tried to, but then-- everything okay? Yeah, we're good, bordering on awesome at this point.
Ortho's got your father and son.
The old man's a prick.
You done? Oh my God.
You have a crush on Jackie.
I do not! No.
She just scares me a little.
Okay, a lot.
Kinda like walking into a buzz saw.
- I think she's inspiring.
- She is.
But sometimes she inspires fear.
I know.
Four messages already.
And we have the same favorite book.
I hate to kill the vibe, but lots of people liked "The Kite Runner.
" I asked her out.
She said yes.
Well, it's a good idea to take her out before you marry her.
- I went out with her for a year.
- When you were 16.
Coop, just don't get your hopes up, okay? I finally get a glimmer of hope and everyone keeps messing with it.
Quit messing with my glimmer.
- Whoa.
- What? What's up? A patient wants to be my friend.
Wow.
That's weird.
Very.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Oh man, I thought I missed you.
I wanted to accept your friend request in person.
- I accept.
- Oh my God.
I sent that, like, two minutes ago.
- I move fast.
- I know.
And if it freaks people out, so what? And, um, I'm sorry that I didn't look when you asked me to.
- Oh-- - That was really rude of me.
What you did was amazing, so thanks.
- It's a gift.
- What can I say? I'm looking forward to your Christmas card.
- Hey, thanks for being my friend.
- Yeah.
Ooh.
Thanks for letting me go.
Here's your no-doz.
- No problem.
- So Lenny stuck himself with an EPI.
- Bet that was a rush.
- Yeah, I bet it was.
Do me a favor? Can you check on O'Hara's dislocated shoulders? - Sure.
Watch out, man.
That guy's a racist.
- You know what? I'll do it.
- Yeah? Yeah.
Thanks anyway.
My patient.
I'll handle it.
I wasn't lying.
I do like your mom, but going over there freaks me out.
- She's a hoarder, Boo.
- She's not a hoarder.
She's an enthusiast.
Less than an hour left, Lenny.
Um, do you have any more epis? Yeah, check my kit.
Because you have to like my mom.
- Got it.
Thanks.
- I do like your mom.
But you have to admit, she looks at me kinda weird.
That's just how her face is! That doesn't even make sense.
I did a bad thing and I need your help.
How bad? I stuck Anthony Murphy with an epi.
He thought it was another novocain.
He'll be fine.
We just can't let him leave.
As a private citizen I'm delighted.
As a medical professional I'm absolutely appalled.
Well done and shame on you.
Shall we? Is he gonna be okay? What the fuck is happening to me? You're on the verge of a heart attack, Mr.
Murphy.
Is there a history of heart disease in the family, do you know? He doesn't know fuck-all.
Go outside and get a car.
Wait for me.
Go in my wallet, get my parole officer's card.
Tell him I'm on my way.
I gotta go.
If you leave, there's an enormous possibility that you will go into cardiac arrest and you will die.
Let me call him.
There's nothing better than a call from the E.
R.
Trust me.
Aw fuck.
All right.
She looks nice.
Mm-hmm.
- You gonna take it slow like me and Zoey? No, taking it fast like a Ninja.
- Ah.
- I wanna be more than the guy with the tics whose moms got divorced.
Not a lot to ask.
She's my ticket to more, Lenny.
Right on.
Whoa, check out the crush on Zoey.
- I know.
- Stop.
- All day, every time she walks in.
- Stop.
- Mm-mm.
- Time's up.
Coop'll unhook you.
Dude, that's like having a boner on the diving board.
Pretty much.
Here's to the illegal detention of a bully and the closing of my townhouse.
Mm! Did you call his parole officer? No.
None for me, thanks.
What? You're joking.
No, I'm staying away from the hard stuff.
Oh, but this is the soft, lovely, bubbly stuff.
Come on.
I've gone 37 hours with no percocet, no vicodin, no oxy.
And you're miserable.
How the fuck am I gonna make it to 38? Anything I can do? No.
You want me to stick around so you're not drinking by yourself? Oh please, I do it all the time.
Sport of kings.
Go, leave me to my bubbly.
Jacks, I can get my car to take you home if you'd like.
No thanks.
I'm good.
Cheers.
Jackie Peyton.
Yeah yeah, I can hold.
- Do you mind? I'm sorry.
My cell died.
- No.
- So tell me about Kelly.
- I don't know-- what's to tell? Yeah.
Hi, Tunie.
Listen, I know it's very last minute, but I'm wondering if you can keep the girls tonight.
Kev's still in Montauk and I gotta work a double.
Yeah? Great.
Okay, thanks.
Bye.
You're not working a double.
No.
I need a night alone-- no husband, no kids, no nothing.
Just, you know, a cigarette and a hot bath.
- You want a ride? - Nah, I'm good.
For the record, I'm clean for a week.
Hey, how's that going? I-- I miss the rush, Eddie.
I really miss it.
What are you, fuckin' nuts? Bet your ass I am.
My mother is a nurse-o and daddy works for po-po so night-time is for yo-yo ayoba mama she works the night shift and dad is firefighting so darkness is exciting we're sleeping out tonight.