The Venture Bros (2003) s03e13 Episode Script

Hup! 74, 75-
General Treister?
Hold on! 77!
Bingo. Whoo!
Heh, throw me that towel, son.
Squat thrusts!
One for every year
this bone bag refuses
to crawl under the porch and die.
Let's go, big boy!
You better get in step or so help me
I'll nail you to the wall
of the ladies' room!
There ya go! Knew you could do it.
Now what can I do you for, my boys?
Ya here to wrestle me?
Eh, no sir, it's Agent 92-62.
Samson! That boy's gonna give me
another heart attack.
My ninth, if we're counting.
And we are!
What has he done now?
Agent Samson has just turned
the O.S.I. list of top assassins
into the obituary page.
Handy if you're an editor.
But a pain in the patoot if you're me!
Who's down?
Don't use that one!
It's set to record
Battlestar Galactica.
Number six
Try to blame me!
Herr Trigger, sniper.
Found in a dumpster outside
of a strip club.
Apparently he's a bad tipper.
Go-fish, at-sea assassin.
Body washed up on a public beach.
Still waiting for the head.
Le Tueur, big game hunter.
Presumed dead.
He doesn't answer his cell phone.
If you met the guy, you'd understand.
Ehh, too much public killing.
In my day, we'd draw the curtains
before we punched a man's time clock.
Boys, we gotta put an end
to this small town talent show
ourselves.
It's already gone on well past
the fat lady's encore.
What's our next move, sir?
A- squad vanquisher
packed to the attic
with assault doohickies!
And daddy's gonna sit in the big chair.
Yes, sir.
I'm gonna personally make damn sure
we end this Samson problem, A-SAP!
Let's move out!
I should get dressed, I guess.
You'll never get me to talk, pigs.
We got you at the scene,
covered in the victim's blood
with the murder weapon on the floor.
You better start flappin' those gums
or you're lookin' at life plus 20, Tralfaz.
Um, may I say something?
I'm not really "with" him Ow!
Tralfaz. What is that, Polish?
It's Spanish for "go fuck yourself. "
H- He doesn't speak for both of us.
Ow!
I- I don't think-
I don't think that's true.
My wife speaks a little Spanish.
Hold on, I'm gonna call her- Ow! Hey!
I'm sorry, you think
maybe we can stick to
you know,
questioning the suspects here?
What is this,
the bad cop - retarded cop routine?
OK! OK!
We'll tell you everything
you want to know!
I'd like my own counsel.
I told you, boys. You're not under arrest.
I just want to ask you a few questions.
Let's start with this "Brock"
you keep talking about.
Who is he?
He's our bodyguard.
He protects us.
Does "Brock" speak to you?
- 'Course.
- Both of you?
- Duh.
- OK.
Does Brock ever
tell you what to do?
Yeah. Well, sometimes.
Sorta. I guess.
Mm hmm.
And this robot friend of yours, this
"Helper. "
Does he speak to you, too?
One last chance.
Where is Venture?
Did he tell us?
It seemed like he was being sarcastic.
See, it's the upwards inflection.
It doesn't really feel like directions.
You tell us where Venture is
or we break something
Comprende?
Oh! Nice move, dick.
Oh shit! I busted him!
Dude, I barely tapped it!
I swear! I'm wicked sorry.
Don't apologize!
Now he knows we mean business.
Now you tell me
Venture's location or we-
Knock off your head?
Again
intentionally!
So what's your relationship
with this Le Tueur character?
Never heard of him.
Oh, maybe this'll refresh your memory.
The stiff in your room split
straight up the garanimals?
Eh, good luck pickin' up that spare.
W- What the hell
is that supposed to mean?
You know, 'cause he cut him in half.
It's like a 7-10 split. Like in bowling.
But, you know, with a guy.
That is downright esoteric.
I got it right away.
You shut your mouth.
Do we get socked on the lips
every time we talk
or only when we make a point? Ow.
So that's-
that's every time then?
Oh, alright. Fine.
I'll tell you everything.
- Can I get one of those?
- No.
My family and I have been on the run
from an elite squad of super-assassins
who've been trying to kill our bodyguard
since last night.
If you don't let us go so we can help him
he'll probably be dead by morning.
Fascinating. Now, if we could
let's get back to this giant butterfly.
Look, I told you what you want to know.
Now gimme my phone call!
OK fine, boys. This is-
this is a good place
to take a break.
Eh, who would you like to call?
Hello, Pop? This guy's a tool.
OK, that stung!
I have delicate joints
You gentlemen are free to go.
Uncuff 'em, detectives. Now.
Aww, why?
No body, no case. It's over.
Whoa whoa!
What are you talking about no body?!
That room looked like the set
from Saw freakin' one!
Nope The room
was down right Martha Stewart.
Forensics couldn't find dick
except for a faint, eh,
lemony fresh kinda odor.
I can still smell it.
Aaah!
Oh no no! No, no!
Aaahh!
Let me guess. You're The Cleaner?
Alright, smart guy. We played it nice.
Venture's location.
You have three seconds
2, 1
OK 24, light him up.
Do I connect the positive side first or-
Who cares?
He's not a Mitsubishi Galant, just do it.
What the hell are you doing to him?
Ah! Honey?
We were just asking him stuff.
Oh, you poor sweet thing.
Did the bad men hurt you?
Monarch, this goes against
the Guild Sentience Conference of 1998!
We have to bring him back to his family.
Your family must miss you.
Let's find them and get you
back to safety.
Alright, run these numbers
through the NAV-COMM.
It's somewhere in California.
That dirty fucking robot got
grease all over my dress.
Sweetie, your "good-cop" is chilling.
That was so hot
Hot, hot cop.
Wee!
Eh, this is as far as I go.
There's a rental car waiting for you
quarter of a mile south of here.
Keys and a new I.D.
In the glove box, Cochise.
Good luck to ya man.
Yeah, I uh, only got
one problem with that plan-
Hank never called you.
I did.
Figured even the mighty
Brock Samson might have trouble
fighting the entire O.S.I.
Molotov.
I don't know why I'm surprised.
How'd you find us?
You haven't exactly been discreet.
Oh, like that get-up is?
Though I gotta admit,
for a disguise, it's pretty good.
Hardly recognized ya.
W- What disg-? I'm off-duty.
Ha ha ha! That's-
that's how you dress when
you're not catwoman-ing around?
I might have to rethink
this whole relationship.
Who's that hood rat
Brock's talking to?
He can get any shorty he wants.
More of your friends, Molotov?
Molotov?
Venture!
Come out, come out
wherever you are
Ugh. Really?
Eh, clichéd, I know.
Trust me, it sounds
extra-creepy over the P.A.
Hello, Dr. Venture.
I hope you don't mind
I called your private number.
Your robot gave it to me.
And if you ever want to see him
alive again you will show yourself.
Is he serious?
Deadly!
You have exactly one minute to-
Aw, check it out.
When you turn on night vision
with the lights on
it's like an X-ray camera. Kinda.
Samson!
What in the hell
do you think you're doin'?
Still breathing,
General Treister, sir.
No thanks to you.
Aw, you're lookin' fine, son.
Glad to see you finally took
that mop top down to regulation.
Cut the crap, sir.
What do you want from me?
The O.S.I. wants you
to come in from the cold, son.
It's high time we had us
a li'I old fashioned pow-wow.
And put a stop to this situation.
I think we're way past that, sir.
Now, now, now don't go gettin'
all "first blood" on me, boy.
You got a family to think about.
How long you really think
you're gonna last out there
in the wilderness
with those Ventures?
They're not part of this.
I don't want them harmed.
They won't be if you just do what we say.
Now why don't you just give us
the coordinates
like a good soldier
20 seconds, Venture.
What's it gonna be?
Nineteen
Alright. I'll give you what you want.
But it goes down the way
I say it does.
We meet at the Venture Compound.
Dawn.
Dawn?! Ha! Dean-
We're finally gonna meet
our long lost sister!
Wake up! We're here.
Gather round my winged flock!
Eh, my breath.
Go! Run!
Head for the panic room quick.
And stay low!
Aw, every time something
remotely cool happens
it's "get in the panic room!" Unfair!
Alright, alright,
can't I at least change first?
This has to be the most
uncomfortable thing I've ever worn.
Today is a day which will live long
in the annals of Monarch history!
With the sun at our backs we shall-
Uh, M-Monarch-?
Ah! Do. Not. Interrupt!
There. You happy now?
Look what you did.
Now you don't get to go on
the murder crusade!
Honey, what the hell are we doing here?
This is obviously a trap.
Damn right it is!
But whom is trapping whom?
Let's just say I took the liberty
of upgrading
his precious robot's equipment
with two gigabytes of kablam!
The big chair!
Right on schedule.
Samson! Hup bah, what's the what?
We ready to do this thing?
Well, Venture here we are again.
Uh, hang on just a sec', General.
Di-?
That son of a bitch just put me on hold?
Your fancy new plane
won't save you, Venture.
We're having this out, here and now
once and for all!
Oh, I couldn't agree
with you more, Monarch.
Why don't ya come on around
back and say hello?
I'd be delighted.
Sugar crown, we don't even
know what that thing can do.
Oh, sweetness
Why do you think
we have henchmen?
Besides, he's Rusty Venture
not the O. S. Freaking I.
Anything he can throw at us
we can throw back tenfold!
Sorry 'bout that, General.
What were ya, tyin' yer boots?
Are you comin' out
or are ya gonna make us
come in there and get you?
Won't be necessary, sir.
I'm a comin' around now
Uh, sir? Can we get an order here?
Fire!
Who the hell are those guys?
They're henchmen for the Monarch, sir.
What in the hell's a Monarch?
Low level Guild troublemaker.
Used to arch Dr. Venture.
Then he arched Dr. Venture.
Aw, come on, General.
That any way to treat my friends?
Those clowns are with you?
What in hell is going on here, Samson?
Just tryin' to even
the playing field a little, sir.
Looks like Samson's gone
over to the Guild, sir.
Want me to give the order
to take out the big cocoon?
Is that what that thing is?
Jeepers crappers, no.
If Samson's pulled a full-on Judas
there's no tellin'
what kinda trade secrets
he might've given up.
I want him alive. Ground forces!
Henchmen!
Form battle squadrons
and prepare for full assault
on my order!
I told you
- We should just leave already.
- Oh stop yourself.
Moppets!
Prepare my Death's Head Panoply!
There it is again!
I'm telling ya there's like
a skunk ape out there or something.
Hank, sit down and pretend to be sane.
Dean, what are you doing?
I can't feel my left arm.
How old do you have to be
to have a heart attack?
In regular years, or pansy years?
Whatever! Why!?
Why can't I just have a normal life?
I had that dream once too.
Open up!
Aahh! Sergeant Hatred!
What the hell is he doing here?
You're just gonna let him in?
He's Pop's arch enemy!
Yeah technically, like on paper.
Hello, ladies.
Where's your old man at?
Behind those boxes. Hiding from you.
- Thanks, Hank.
- There you are!
OK, you have to kill me.
I've been here for like two
days trying to do it myself.
I tried to blow my head off
with a damn shrink ray.
Now I got a little baby tongue.
I'm a failure.
What's wrong with him?
He's having a heart attack.
Look Nelly-boy,
you don't know of heart pain!
I've tried to change.
I quit the sauce, the cigars,
the young boys.
And she still left me!
Mister Hatred,
could you stop yelling please?
Honestly.
Come on, man! Kill me!!!
Attack.
Attack!!
Attaack!!
Tortilla chip?
They are not only cool, they are ranch.
Totally. What are you doing?
I'm creating realistic battle damage.
So when we join them at the end
it'll look like I've seen some action.
It'll look like rubbed snack on your face.
Oh! Listen to that!
Did you just hear that guy?
That guy right there.
That is a guy on fire!
You can totally tell.
What the!?
Ah crap, he's stealing our hiding place!
Dude! Bail!
Come on!
I can't! My seat belt is jammed!
Why'd you buckle it?!
Why would you do that!?
I don't know!
Why did you buckle up!? Why?!
Just choke me!
Choke my neck! Damn you!
Strangle my pain away
please!
Look, crazy.
So your teen bride left you. Big whoop.
Is she really worth ending everything-
Hank! What are you doing?!
I'm going out there.
Brock needs me!
That boy is not even close
to a chip off the old block.
He's got guts!
Excuse me?
You don't know me.
Why in my prime, I saw some things
that would make your head spin.
Yeah, I saw a guy's head spin.
Like right off his neck.
Why? Because I punched him! Top that!
OK OK!
My father made me kill a man-
kill a man with a house key!
- I was ten!
- Oh, that's nothing!
I ate a whole Labrador Retriever once!
I'm serious!
Blah, blah! All this talk!
We gotta do something!
Brock is being attacked
by his friends.
Your real arch enemy
is trying to kill you
and you're swapping war stories
with Sergeant Kill Me!
Wow! I like this one.
- And he is right.
- He's crazy.
He's gonna get us killed!
No, he has got something.
Look at us.
We are hiding from our true selves.
I'm a fighter, not a lover!
And you
you were Rusty Venture once.
Maybe the most fearless
Boy Adventurer ever.
Maybe the most?
And Hank here
Hank is becoming a man.
I can feel it in my bones!
And Dean
Dean is-
Sensitive.
He'll come around!
Now let's get out there
and show those frail flowers
who the hell they're dealing with!
Let's pretend this is a good idea.
We'd need an army-
We've got one!
Hank, there are only four-
um, three and a half of us.
Not if you let me open
my Christmas gifts early
there aren't.
Ten- hut!
Left left
left right left
left left
left right left!
Company halt!
He did it!
Sgt. Hatred saved the day!
And we helped!
Kinda!
Go Team Venture!
Oh, God! Oh, no no no!
Whoa whoa whoa! Cease fire!
Cease fire!
Alright look just
just put your weapons down!
I give up, OK?
Now let me talk to General Treister.
All right put me here,
and give me the megaphone.
Hold it up for me.
I- I can't move my arms.
Enemies of the Monarch!
Behold my impressive
Death's Head Panoply!
The final solution in tailoring!
Recoil in terror
as the mighty Monarch
goes supernova!
Oh, sweet tights, not that.
You never tested it.
You are gonna kill yourself.
Why do you always have
to take that last step over the crazy edge?
And now I write this
battle's final chapter
with the blood of my enemies!
It's the little button on the sleeve.
Well, there's my life's
work up in smoke.
Oh, God!
I feel like I'm the one dying.
We should be out there with them!
We should be fighting side by side
with our moist warrior brethren!!
Ah, ba ba ba.
Just take it down a notch, Hank.
You only live once.
Aah! Aaaah!
Aaaaahhhh!
Help! Help help!
Oh, God.
Sure got a funny way
of thankin' people, Samson.
Fly all the way here to save
your butt and what do we get?
Face full of moth people!
They're butterflies, sir.
Really?
'The hell I'm thinking of, then?
- Emperor moths?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you talkin' about,
savin' my butt?
You sicced those three goons on it!
And then when they weren't enough
you came here to finish the job yourselves.
Boy, I don't know what
the hell you're talkin' about.
All I know is when O.S.I. hears
one of its baby chicks is in trouble
Momma comes a-runnin'
and a-squawkin, and a-runnin.
That's how we do.
Then you didn't uh
you're not
I was never
Ah shit.
Son, I believe your mind has gone AWOL.
I shoulda seen this comin'.
Your work's been gettin' sloppy
across the board, boy.
Public killins',
abuse of company property-
and none of your reports on Dr. Venture
ever mentioned nuthin'
'bout no illegal clone farm.
You you send them reports about me?
Maybe you've been on this detail too long.
Why don't you come back with us
so we can find you a nice,
new assignment?
Maybe somethin' a little easier
on the ol' noggin'?
Thank you. No, sir.
I've seen enough
spinning butterfly
naked boy armies
Screw this.
I'd rather, uh, quit.
Yeah, you tell him, Brock!
Well good for you!
O.S.I., who needs 'em?
Where are you going?
Aren't you going to help
clean up this mess?
I said I quit.
You know
I could use a job.
Hey, Monarch!
Huh?
I'm takin' your fuckin' car.
Oh. Yeah, yeah.
Twenty Four!
Nooo!!!
Ow!
So much for our competition.
Congratulations, ladies.
Just as we planned
we are now the top assassins
in the country.
The Blackhearts Elimination Agency
is officially open for business.
Thanks to Mr. Brock Samson.
To Brock Samson!
Long live that blonde haired
butter-cream, mustard murder-cake!