The Venture Bros (2003) s03e12 Episode Script

The Family That Slays Together, Stays Together. Part One

[ Metal clanging Brock Samson yelling .]
HANK: Brock, no! Why'd you kill the Mayhem Mobile? Adrienne! Her name was Adrienne.
And it was her or me.
I thought you called her Danger Hawk? Well, I call it a mess.
You are gonna clean this up, aren't you? Everyone just-- just give me a minute.
I need to think.
[ Breathing heavily .]
Brock? Give him time, boy.
Thinking's new to him.
OK, OK, here's what's gonna happen.
I want all of you dressed and on that plane in two minutes.
- Why, what's going on? - I just got into my PJs.
I'll explain later.
H.
E.
L.
P.
eR.
, prep the X-1 for take off.
[ Whirring .]
Oh, what the hell's the matter with him now? DEAN: I think he thinks he's next.
He often speaks of the coming war between man and the brotherhood of machines.
[ Beep beep beep .]
OK, OK.
H.
E.
L.
P.
eR.
, I want you to go plot a course for Spider Skull Island.
Oh, my brother's place? Doc, if what I think is going down I gotta get you guys some place safe.
Dangerous men may already be on their way here.
So turn on the electric fence and go to bed.
Why are you suddenly so paranoid? People have been trying to kill me since I could pee standing up.
They're not coming for you.
They're coming for me.
[ Helicopter blades whirring .]
Oh God, they're here already.
Everybody take cover! Car trouble? [ Up-tempo beat .]
MONARCH: We are going to storm the Venture Compound! I'm not stopping.
You should have thought of that before.
I didn't have to pee then.
Ugh! Here.
Pee in this.
Come on! There's still drink in this! Please just pull over.
There's a gas station coming up.
I could pull over.
Sweet, I could go for a slushie.
But I have to change first.
Yeah, I wanna change too.
They always ask us what band we play in when we wear these things in public.
We're storming! We're not driving to Grandma's house.
Pee in the cup! Man! OK, jeez.
Alright, no looking.
Look at it? I don't even want to think about it.
I hate my henchmen.
This was your idea.
I wanted to take the Cocoon.
That's just what Venture expects us to do.
But he won't expect this.
You and your two best men me and my men.
We keep it slim! Elite forces.
Great idea.
One of your "elite forces" is playing Tetris on his cell phone while the other is peeing into a Grande Chai Latte.
My God I wish.
It's like there's a vice on my wing-ding! You guys gotta stop talking so I can get into the zone.
What? Son of a bitch! Sgt.
Hatred? Is he heading for the-- No! No! If that wash-up thinks he's going to ruin this night for me-- Honey! Make the Monarchmobile go faster! BROCK: Uh, look, honey I'd love to stay and catch up with you but I'm pretty damn sure the O.
S.
I.
are on their way to terminate me.
And the last I checked you weren't exactly on their "it list" either.
MOLOTOV: The O.
S.
I.
? Oh ho ho, darling who do you think asked me to kill you? BROCK: Uh oh, I think you got 'em mad.
Don't get cute, Samson.
Release me, or my Blackhearts will cut you to ribbons.
Oh, are they with you? Hah! I never said I took the assignment.
What's the matter, baby? You love me too darn much to kill me? Maybe I'm just too jealous to share you.
Your O.
S.
I.
has already hired three other assassins-- Heinrich Triggermensch code name Herr Trigger.
Former member of the East German Olympic biathlon team and current number one on lnterpol's most wanted list.
Killing is more than just a job for him AGENT: Business or pleasure, Mr.
uhTrigger? [ Shudders .]
Ecstasy.
MOLOTOV: Russell Sturgeon, code name Go-Fish.
LittIe is known about him other than that he specializes in maritime assassinations.
AGENT: And how long will you be staying, Mr.
Sturgeon? Till I land me a 250-pounder.
MOLOTOV: Jean-CIaude Le Tueur.
His ego won't permit him a code name.
A bored, rich game hunter he turned to human targets for sport.
He is aIso an avid coIIector of exotic weapons and something called "Silver Age" comic books.
AGENT: Anything to declare Mr.
Le Tueur? Excelsior! HUNTER: She's telling the truth, boy-o.
Probably the first time in her lying Commie life.
My moles on the inside confirmed it-- O.
S.
I.
's throwing you to the wolves.
Welcome to my life, Little Red Riding Hood.
So, will you help me? Well, he he he aren't you going to introduce me to your friend? Piss off, you horrible buzzard! - Tsetse fly! Buzz! - I'll only be a minute.
Will you just wait out in the X-1 with the boys? You came in the plane? You call parking a supersonic jet in front of a titty bar.
inconspicuous? Who taught you how to be a spy, fucking Gallagher?! MAN: Hey, thunder thighs! You workin' or you gabbin' over there? Don't you bark at me, you junkyard dog! I'm trying to break the ice here! DOC: [ Angry mumbling .]
[ Vehicle approaches .]
Hits me in my throat and he just lets it happen! He's supposed to be my bodyguard So what do you need, money? Nah.
Still got the wad you gave me last time.
Good! Tip me! That's a passport, driver's license and Discover card.
Your name is Jesus Tralfaz.
You live in Pueblo, Colorado you sell aluminum siding and you love The History ChanneI.
Quick! Feel my tits! Do it! No touching the ladies! I can handle this one, Jimmy.
That's a list of friendly contacts.
All ex-O.
S.
I.
who've gone off the reservation like you.
BROCK: I'm gonna need wheels You can take mine.
But you're not gonna like lookin' for the keys.
[ Henchman 21 coughs, spits .]
Half the friggin' night looking for a way in and the front door was unlocked.
That blows.
At least we now have the septic system mapped out.
Alright! Cut the chatter, it's game time.
You all know your roles.
Huddle up.
Huddle up! OK review Moppets? - We locate the Venture boys.
- And kill them.
MONARCH: Subdue them.
- Cut their bellies? - Subdue their bellies-- Dr.
My Wife? Locate and seduce-- Subdue! Come on! Subdue Brock Samson.
MONARCH: Henchman 24? Locate and subdue the Venture robot.
MONARCH: Subdue? You can kill the robot.
It's a robot.
Henchman 21 ? What? Dude, I have to pee so bad it's backing up into my kidneys.
Wrong! You keep an eye out for Sgt.
Hatred while I locate and subdue Dr.
Venture.
Forget it.
You go to the bathroom.
Alright Alpha team we've trained for every aspect of this maneuver-- - Except for the electric fence.
- Except the fence Which wouldn't have been a problem if we took the Cocoon.
[ Sighs .]
OK, let's write history.
[ Heavy breathing .]
Yah.
Yah! Go! Go! Get to your brother's! DOC: OK, bye! We'll call you when we land.
BROCK: No! Maintain radio silence.
If you don't hear from me in 48 hours get yourself a Yellow Pages and look up "bodyguard.
" No, Brock! We won't go without you! You do what I tell you! The farther away from me you go the safer you'll be.
But we're a family! We stick together through thick and thin.
No.
You guys are the family.
I'm just a guy who was hired to protect you.
But we, like, love each other.
I don't love you, boys! It was a job.
Nothing more.
And now that it's over, you'll only get in my way.
Now get on that plane! ! [ Jet engine idles, accelerates .]
[ Rapid gunfire .]
[ Gunfire continues .]
BROCK: [ sighs .]
HANK: Boy, that was a close one! Hank?! What the-- ?! Seriously, Brock.
The Lassie trick? What was I born yesterday? [ Rapid gunfire .]
[ Sniffs .]
Yah! Damn it, Hank! If we live through this, I'm going to kill you myself.
Nuh-uh.
You don't have a license to kill anymore! Ow! [ Tires squeal .]
[ Horns honking .]
[ Comm link beeps .]
BROCK: Doc! Doc! DOC: Oh, well hello, Mister "No Radio Contact.
" - DEAN: Hi, Brock! - DOC: Miss us already? BROCK: Take a look around the cockpit, Doc.
You forget something? Eh Travel Bingo? BROCK: Try your son, Doc.
- No, Dean's right h-- - BROCK: Hank, ass! Why is Hank sitting next to me? Well, the boy idolizes you.
You know that.
Listen to me! Turn the X-1 around.
- You gotta come get Hank! Seatbelt.
Now! You wanna end up like Gary Busey? There's that guy again.
I see him! OK, what can we throw at this jackass? Let's see [ Rapid gunfire .]
Oh Shit! Sorry! Sorry! [ Rapid gunfire .]
DOC: Brock? I don't see you.
Flick your high beams on and off or something.
- Ooh! Can I help? - No, just everybody shush! Oh, there you are.
Thanks, Brock.
HANK: Didn't work.
I know! I know make it stop! - Oh! Is it this one? - Hank, no! [ Screams .]
[ Tires squeal .]
HANK: Ahh! HERR TRIGGER: [ Screaming .]
[ Giddy laughter .]
Alright, we're gonna split up again once I get us a safe distance away, oh-- Busey! ! ! But we won the car chase! Unfair! Unfair! Starboard engine's dead.
I gotta put her down fast! Damn it! Landing gear's gone! [ Beep beep .]
[ Grunts .]
[ Straining .]
[ Beeps .]
[ Horns honking .]
[ Fading beep .]
[ Moaning .]
Ha! Time to subdue.
Ugh! Gotcha ya mother fuckin' [ Muttering .]
[ Panting .]
What would a teenager be doing with a stuffed animal? - I know what I did with them.
- Me, too.
Ugh, I can't believe I touched it.
A-ha-ha! [ Sighs .]
Ngh.
Wake up, sexy.
Ha! Die, Doctor-- oh, come on! HATRED: Bust it down, why don't ya? Oh dude, sorry It's occupado! I thought it was stuck.
Wait Alpha Team, we have a 27-6 in the master bedroom, over.
HENCHMAN 24: Yeah, hi.
I have no idea what those numbers mean.
Just get up here! Where the fuck are you!? DOC: So who is this guy? BROCK: Old O.
S.
I.
buddy of mine.
Oh, good plan, General Westmoron.
Let's just hand ourselves over to the guys who're trying to kill us.
Me.
They're trying to kill me.
And he's not with the agency anymore.
He got kicked out a couple years ago on a don't-ask-don't-tell beef.
DEAN: So we know he can keep a secret! Well well, well well well.
Looky what the cat dragged in.
Hey, Shore Leave.
Long time no-- Ah, no no-no-no! Not my handle anymore.
These days I'm called "Holy Diver.
" Brock Samson, as I live and breathe! BROCK: Hey! I remember you.
You're Mile High.
Not anymore.
"Sky Pilot" is my call sign ever since Jesus slew our demons of homosexuality.
- Oh, boy.
- That's great.
So now you guys are--? Partners! In the fastest growing youth ministry in Southern California! Are you here to enroll these fine young Christian soldiers in our Extreme Outreach Program? - HANK: Ew.
- DEAN: Hey, fun! Uh, no, I just wanna charter your boat to take these guys to Spider Skull Island while I deal with a, uh, sticky situation.
Mm no can do-do-do.
We've got "Bible Dive" at noon.
And "Parasailing Through Corinthians" from two to three.
BROCK: Ah jeez.
Look, can you at least hook me up with some supplies? Couple pounds of C-4 - DIVER: No.
- BROCK: Trip wire - BROCK: Maybe a spear gun - DIVER: No.
And no.
We're not in the killing business anymore, Brock-Odile.
We're in the saving business.
But we have got the only weapon you'll ever need, friend.
Let's go.
[ Grunts .]
Ugh! [ Groans .]
Huh? What? Huh? [ Grunting .]
Brock! Oh, that sinner just messed with the wrong brothers! Because we're not just Sky Pilot and Holy Diver mild-mannered Adventure Bible School pastors We're also BOTH: The Soul Mates! Ha ha ha ha! You're all about to witness a true miracle of faith.
It it so good.
PILOT: Ephesians sequence ready! Activate-- Boots of the gospel! [ Keys clacking, beeping .]
Initiate-- Loin-girding Codpiece of Truth! Um is this gonna take long? Oh-ho! "Ye have need of patience "that, after ye have done the will of God "ye might receive the promise.
" DIVER: Engage-- Breastplate of Righteousness! Ha ha ha.
Mouthful of this bastard.
Ha ha, ha ha! [ Coughs, spits .]
You gotta be kidding me! I think he's throwing sharks at him now.
Activate-- Helmet of Salvation! Ephesians sequence complete! Thank God.
Now for the Shield of Faith and the Sword of Spirit to complete the ensemble! Boom! Yummy! [ Struggling .]
More bait? Aww Gyp! Alright! Let's kick trespass ass! Alright! Now we're gonna see some head-bustin'! DIVER: Oh, Lord, give us the strength in this dark hour What are you doing? He's right there! Get him! Where is Brock? [ Diver continues praying .]
He's gonna kill him! - Aren't you gonna do something? - Excuse me! We are.
The power of prayer can move mountains, Hank.
This is worse than calling Orpheus.
Ha ha ha! I've got you now.
You're on the end of my line and you're going nowhere.
Ha ha ha ha! [ Sneaky laughter .]
[ Smooch .]
Ha ha ha ha [ Gasps .]
BROCK: "O God the lord, the strength of my salvation "thou hast covered my head in the day of battle.
" GIRLFRIEND: The Monarch and I are taking your arch enemy.
I cleared it with the Guild, and Venture is ours.
- Now if we could-- - She's leaving me.
- What? - Princess Tinyfeet.
She, I, she's gonna pack up her teepee and leave me.
I just know it.
Did she say she was leaving you? I got this text.
- That's a big cell phone.
- I'm a big boy.
"We need to talk.
" That's it? I can't live without her! She is the sun to my my lawn? I don't know.
Well, how do you know that's what she wants to talk about? You're a woman I mean, you are a woman, right? I'm gonna ignore that.
Well, you think it's something else? No.
"We need to talk" is kinda universal for "I'm leaving you".
It's the butter-up part.
Ah! She's buttering me! I don't want to live anymore! I'm not leaving till my arch enemy comes home and kills me.
[ Grunting .]
Ahhhh, alright.
Get that door shut and settle in! OK, we're gonna lay low here for a day or so.
Grab some Z's while you can until I scare up a ride outta here.
[ Sniff sniff .]
Ugh.
I could use a shower.
I call dibs! Uh! Why can't I get rid of you? Fine.
I'm goin' out for supplies.
Boys, stay in the room and don't open that door for anyone.
DOC: Oh, Brock? Can you get me some conditioner while you're out? My beard.
I use it-- It's for my beard.
Here's what I've gleaned.
Hatred won't leave until Dr.
Venture comes and kills him.
He said, and I quote: "I, like Patty Smythe before me "am a warrior "and will die at the hand of my arch enemy.
" Well he's gonna be in there for a while.
They took the jet.
Come on! We have to go.
GIRLFRIEND: Just a minute! Can you guys at least talk in the closet or something! Cause I still have to tinkle wicked bad! You haven't peed yet? What are you a camel? Honey, this could go all night.
I'm going back for the Cocoon.
GIRLFRIEND: I'm not gonna say I told you so! Ah! Little me time.
TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to "Mummy Incorporated.
" HANK: Holy cow, I think I'm in love! - With that towel! - Oh, you like zis? It is ze Batman.
'E is my all-time favorite comic.
Dude, you are almost speaking my language! Ah, oui oui oui when I am your age in Paree at night I would go up to, uh, on ze eh on ze, ze rooftop? Eh? And I imagine zat I am ze Batman.
So cool Well, when I was my age I jumped off my roof in- in a Batman costume.
I think.
I might've just dreamt it.
You are to see ze uh, ze Batman ride at a ze Magic Mountain while you are in town? I hope to go after I finish my work here Really? What sorta line are you in? Hank! Get away from that guy! Brock Samson Le Tueur! Hank! Are you OK? Did he hurt you? No, he's cool, Brock.
We're gonna go to Comic Con together! Samson! Cool! He's got a batterang! Ow! Hey! [ Dean screaming .]
You cut off your hair.
Why do you do zis? You had such a cool look BROCK: [ Choking .]
"The only weapon you'll ever need, friend!" [ Both grunt .]
DOC: Boys! You're ruining Daddy's ambiance.
Let's keep that TV below three! [ Groaning .]
I'm a great admirer of your work, Monsieur Samson.
It is an honor to do battle with you.
Oh, don't start that crap.
This sword was forged by Ikkansai Shigetsugu Master Swordsmith of the Nihonto Tanren Denshusho.
Oh, man, shut up already.
Why do you sword guys always gotta talk about how cool your swords are? - Ow! - Sorry, Hank.
Boys! Clear out outta here! You said to stay in the room.
Ahh! [ Both grunting .]
[ Laughs .]
- Check it out.
- Son of a bitch! [ Thud .]
This is why Daddy has to drink to relax, boys.
Dean? Do we have a mini-bar out there? You have been most worthy prey, Monsieur Samson.
But now I must adieu.
Wait! Dude! What about Batman? ├┐Quoi? You call yourself a Batman fan? He would never kill anybody.
Seriously, ask yourself-- what would Batman do? I have a confession, Hank.
I only like ze Batman because he has ze best villains.
Eh ahhh! [ Groans .]
DOC: Finally.
Thank you.
Good work, Hank.
Eh, thank you, Dean.
And you wanted to get rid of us.
Wanna make yourself even more useful? Look up the number for a guy called The Cleaner.
Call him and tell him we've got a Damien Hirst in room 202.
DOC: Ahhhh! [ Retches .]
[ Knock on door .]
That was fast.
L.
A.
P.
D.
! Open up! Hip! Freeze!
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