The Venture Bros (2003) s03e11 Episode Script


1 I just want the plans, Venture.
[ Laughs .]
I have the plans right here, Half-Jackal.
Right here in my head.
So why don't you keep trying to beat them out? That baby's gonna kick like a virgin.
You have to re-level quick.
Go for the bastard's neck.
Do I have to kill him? Keep him up there, Kano.
I don't care if he wets himself and your head.
That boy is gonna see somebody die.
And if he doesn't want it to be his father he's got to pull that trigger.
QUIZBOY: Knew it.
White, White, I've done it.
[ Shudders .]
Congratulations, you've discovered pornography.
Oh, that's unsavory.
Quit it.
This is serious.
You see what's written on that smoke? That's circumference and length.
It describes a cylinder.
Billy, you've snapped.
No, White.
This boy genius is sane.
30 years of searching for clues in the old Rusty Venture cartoon has led me to this.
Wow, impressive.
It's a scytale, a helical cipher.
You just wrap this strip of paper with what appears to be nonsense around it and Bingo was his name-o.
Well? Don't tell me.
It's more code.
It's all "form type equals address.
" I was so close.
I'm already regretting telling you this, but that's a URL.
- What? - Billy, it's a website.
That's impossible.
The Rusty Venture cartoon is from the '70s.
"52 equals country equals U.
and geodiff"-- that's with two f's-- "equals one.
" You got it? WHITE: Yeah, I got it.
It's a maplook map.
White? That's a map to the Venture compound.
WHITE: Oh, my God, you're right.
And look at that.
I could save 1 .
3 miles if I take Ridge Street.
[ Up-tempo music plays .]
[ Click .]
QUIZBOY: The bricks on that Mayan temple-- random pattern or Morse code? Morse code.
Do giant spiders really have that many eyes? They do when it's code written in Braille.
Slide! That's a shirtless drunk albino, I think.
- Spring break 1 994.
- Slide! Alright, Billy, all you've proved is that you're way too into cartoons and that I should find out why I haven't seen dime one from those DVD sales.
Wrong! Every one of these clues and hundreds more like them have led me here-- slide-- to this spot in your compound and the final clue.
Yeah, that's my herb garden.
Doc, can we talk outside? You can say it to everybody.
Oh, cool! Brock's gonna swear.
No, he's not.
Cool, Brock's gonna talk about naked sex ladies.
Alright, fine, when I got assigned this ridic-- important assignment I was given explicit instructions to watch that exact patch of ground.
Sorry, I'm not digging there.
Well, your employer is.
See, we've already lost Brock.
And who knows who's next? Any one of us could meet our demise or be driven crazy by greed.
The quest will not be easy.
Look, Billy, you just saw me ride a komodo dragon and they have poisonous spit.
Poisonous spit, infected mouths, komodo dragons.
It's-- if they bite you.
Nobody works as hard as Rusty Venture.
Hurry up.
My ice is melting.
I'm going as fast as I can.
Yell at Dean for once.
Your brothef's busy helping the grown-ups.
I think I have heatstroke.
You have lollygagger syndrome.
That's what you have.
Here, freshen this up for Daddy.
White? Sure, I'll take another Fanta.
- Billy? - What are you drinking? Red Mocho Cooler.
It's Kahlúa, Hershey's syrup, and a dash of red Kool-Aid.
That sounds horrible.
[ Thunk! .]
I just hit something.
Oh, now we're talking.
What? Oh, false alarm.
It's a box full of old mops.
It's a dog corpse.
Well, looks like we found where Brock buried Scamp.
Scamp? No.
No-o-o-o-o! Dean, less ice this time! [ Rock music playing .]
[ Crashing .]
BROCK: Oh, come on! Oh, Brock, I'm glad you're here.
This is yours, I think.
It came from the past.
QUIZBOY: [ Coughs .]
This is totally what we're looking for.
I recognize it from episode 209-- the Talking Cave Mystery.
Whoa, is this Brock's room? Sweet digs, Samson.
Get out of here.
I have a dart board like that.
You ever turn it around? Baseball.
Get out of here! Is this a rec room? Please tell me there's bumper pool.
Out of my room now, everybody! HANK: Look, I found even more treasure in there-- a mysterious card that says "Ancient Gear Fist" and a coin.
I'll bet it's Indian money.
Look, a magic nurse shoe.
That's my shoe.
Hey, that's my Yu-Gi-Oh card and my slammer pog.
Aw, gyp.
Dean, give me those.
- What did I tell you about gambling? - Gyp! Out! OK, before we open this if it's gold or diamonds I think it's pretty clear my father meant for me to have them.
And if poison gas should come out and kill us I just want to tell you that I was the one who carved Dean's name into the bathroom door.
Thanks, Hank.
I love you, Dean.
OK, Billy, open it up.
Oh, for the love of God.
Was anybody else waiting for their face to melt off, eh? The final clue.
I can decode this.
Get me a roll of toilet paper.
Oh, and get me another Red Mocho Cooler.
RECORDING: Don't look around you, man of the future.
Sandow is speaking to you from beyond the grave.
The voice you now hear is coming from the Victor talking mach-- Duty that no man, dagger, bullet or blow harmed Colonel Venture.
Foolishly, Sandow believed the device and my dreadful orders to protect it to be a myth.
That changed.
Everything changed.
FANTOMAS: Look out there, Lloyd.
We're being attacked by members of our own Guild.
The only way we can gain control is to activate the device now.
I didn't know we were out of options.
No, I'm sorry.
I didn't know it was sarcasm day.
I'm sorry I wasn't aware of your delicate constitution.
I'm sorry you smell like spoiled fruit.
MARK TWAIN: Fantômas has a point.
How dare you, sir? Why, I smell of freshly cut flowers.
Not that.
Look, all of us have devoted our lives to perfect and protect the Orb.
But we're losing everything.
Now, I can't even afford another suit.
Same suit for the last five years.
Samuel, the Orb is a source of untold power.
We must take our time and learn how to harness that power for the good of mankind.
Whoa, there.
Orb is ours.
The Guild will decide what is best for mankind.
OSCAR WILDE: For shame.
This Guild was founded to protect and serve man at his best not to be a guild of calamitous intent.
[ Indistinct shouting .]
But But-- and it's a bigger but than the huge one I sit on-- that little ball has to be tested.
The ugly queen is right.
I was the last to add my genius to Orb.
And I, the great beast, Aleister Crowley will prove the mighty art of hermetic-- Whoa.
Sandow, show that lunatic out.
Let's see if the chubby wizard can fly.
Alright there, big guy.
I get the hint.
No need to get shovey because I will come down on you like a storm! Aah! OK, you see? We can no longer trust anyone.
It's time to harness the power of the Orb whatever that power may be.
[ Crash .]
Colonel Venture, it's Tesla, and he's with the Avon ladies.
They have us surrounded! OSCAR WILDE: To our gliders! Don't do it, Colonel Venture.
I beg you.
Sandow, my faithful bodyguard, these are desperate times.
Sandow knew what had to be done.
Men like us follow orders.
Yes, future man, we are pawns but pawns that move in that crazy "L" shape like that horse piece.
Oh, this thing is tiny.
Sandow will pick this up on the other cylinder.
Sorr-- [ Sighs .]
Alright, Hank, read it one more time.
"In Minuit's bargain sits house that coke built.
"In a loud room of quiet whistlers "behind the wild gray gentleman, sits the 22121 0.
" Alright.
Googled Minuit and he's the guy who bought Manhattan Island from the Indians with beads or something.
So, Minuit's bargain is New York City.
[ Scoffs .]
Man, the poor chump who came up with this riddle didn't bank on us having the internet, eh? What's the next line? "In Minuit's bargain sits house that coke built.
" I'm on it.
"The house that coke built.
" No, that's the Cola.
Studio 54, New York City.
It's just like the old show.
[ Squawks .]
"Rusty Venture," brought to you by-- smoking.
QUIZBOY: This is tits.
I'm in your old seat, aren't I? I don't remember.
Alright, time to put on our costumes, Rusty.
Costumes? Did I say costumes? I meant disguises.
BROCK: Did any of you find a tube about yea big while you were digging up my garden? If you mean the roll Dad and Mr.
Billy took it to New York City.
Of course they did.
OK, White, I'm taking off for a while.
You're in charge of the boys.
Do they have a bedtime or, uh, any dietary concerns? 'Cause I've noticed Hank eats a lot of refined sugars.
BROCK: You know what? Never mind.
I'll get Orpheus to do it.
VENTURE: I can't believe you talked me into wearing my old clothes.
This is New York City, the fashion capital of the world.
Trust me, we'll blend in.
I'm serious.
Next season will be all about the mancapri.
COMPUTER: Input voice identification.
- Samson, Brock.
- COMPUTER: Confirmed.
Search Samson, Brock, active assignment.
COMPUTER: Verify clearance level 8.
John Bonham Rocks.
COMPUTER: Confirmed.
Samson, Brock, active assignment-- Operation Rusty's Blanket.
Subsearch Orders Regarding Bodyguard termination clause.
COMPUTER: Clearance level 1 0 identification number required.
Alright, hold on.
- COMPUTER: Incorrect identification.
- It wasn't a number-- - COMPUTER: Incorrect identification.
- I know! Knock it off! COMPUTER: Incorrect identification.
[ Sighs .]
Uh, uh, 2, Delta, 9, Romeo, Tango, 8.
Autopilot initiated.
Agent Samson, Brock, terminated.
Oh, what the Did you just fire me or kill me? Hello! You piece of shit! Come on! [ Tires screech .]
Argh! Ah! BROCK: Hey, I know we shouldn't be seen together, but, uh well, I saw your feature-dance here last week.
Yeah? What'd you think? You like the part with the fan? Never mind.
Look, butter-top, the boss man's watching me like a hawk.
Better buy me a drink.
What are you drinking? That son-of-a-bitch silverback knows damn-- Gin neat! You cretin! Alright, what's the skinny? You tell me.
Sweet lord, that hack actually found it? - Found what? - Damned if I know.
You want the bad news or the good news first? I don't know-- the good, I guess.
There is no good news! Just bad news and weird news.
You were never assigned to protect wee little Rusty Venture.
You were assigned to protect something else.
Or maybe to protect us from something else.
What does that mean? It means that the man you thought you had to protect is a godless idiot.
His father hid some rotten device from him.
Guess he figured if he had the noodle to find it he'd know what to do with it.
I'm also guessing he was wrong! Yep.
That's the weird news.
The bad news is that if he tries to activate the device you have to take him out.
Before the O.
takes me out, I suppose.
What do you want? A moment to cry over a spilled life? You're a pawn, son.
So, what is this device I've been protecting? How will I even know when I see it? Known the whole time.
Operation Rusty's Blanket.
Orders Regarding Bodyguard.
That's all I know.
You want any more information you got to ask another Venture bodyguard.
I can't.
Doc took the second cylinder to New York.
Don't know what you're talking about, and I don't care.
You take this hot wad of cash and do what you got to do.
Don't you dare ask me what I did to get those $1 00 bills.
Mine is not to poop on anyone's parade but Studio 54? This box is from the Victorian era.
Alright, fella, then what do you think it is? This isn't my forte but I know a cipher master who knows the 1 9th century like the back of his hand.
I'll be right back.
He's astral projecting.
Dean, you know what to do.
[ Beeping .]
[ Beeping quickens .]
[ Straining .]
[ Muffled .]
Oh, my God! What do you eat?! Wake up, fat boy.
I have been waiting half my life for this moment but I never dreamed it would be you they sent, Brock Samson.
Look, nobody sent me.
Wait a second.
I thought you were a mute.
My silence was a choice.
I have taken from this world a great man.
My silence is my penance.
Now end my suffering, O.
Alright, look, I'm not here to kill you.
I'm here because Doc is looking for the Orb.
Orb? Master Rusty has found Orb? [ Laughs .]
Did he find it under the couch while looking for change? Yeah, well, he's not only looking for whatever the hell Orb is but he has my second gramophone cylinder.
I don't even-- have a clue what's going on here.
Wait here.
I have something for you.
I tell you, Brock Samson, it feels good to talk again.
I've been holding so much in.
Do you watch Top Chef? Uh, yeah, but I didn't like Top Design.
Oh, it feels so good to talk.
Let's go to karaoke bar.
I so want to sing Humpty Dance.
Uh Yes, yes, we go later.
First, you should listen to this.
What is that? The other cylinder? Well, what the hell does Doc have? Knowing Rusty-- roll of toilet paper? - OK, "In Minuit's bargain" - Manhattan.
- "sits house that coke built.
" - Studio 54.
- "In a loud room of quiet whistlers" - Backstage in the bathroom.
- "behind the wild gray gentleman" - That guy.
"sits the 22121 0.
" Which has to be that foldaway changing table.
And I bet we already know the model number.
Oh, that is never not fun.
Oh, oh, man.
Orpheus, they TP'ed your corporeal form.
That is hilarious.
Yes, of course.
A regular panic.
Oh, OK.
So, why have you summoned the alchemist? Ba-daa! To solve a mystery.
The mystery of the box we found in Brock's garden.
Give me the clues.
[ Breathes deeply .]
I'm on the job.
Sandow thinks it may not be a good idea.
They're dying out there.
All over this.
- What is it? - The Orb.
Archimedes himself began the construction with little more than the mirror alignment.
Da Vinci added the gearings, Newton the lenses Galileo the prisms.
All of the great poets, painters, scientists alchemists, and philosophers have had the Orb in their hands.
But what is it? Some say it's a weapon of catastrophic proportion.
I believe it to be a type of engine self-sustaining and of endless power.
I believe this, Sandow, because I am a man of hope.
Colonel Venture, please don't activate it.
Sandow, I must.
Then so must Sandow.
Sandow will forever carry this burden like a-- That's about it.
The rest is Sandow listing chocolate recipes.
That's why I kept it.
I like to bake.
So, did you have to do it, too? Kano, did you kill the great Dr.
Venture Sr.
? Oh, so, now you're a mute again.
Well, at least we don't have to sing karaoke now.
Come on.
Please? Studio 54 is the house that coke built? You guys went crazy from everything after that guy that sold Manhattan.
Yeah, I got that one.
Alright, let's start again.
Get me a dictionary.
We have the internet.
I don't want to play World of Warcraft.
Get me a regular dictionary.
It's only good for finding out that your boyfriend is sleeping around.
Freaking Myspace.
What? I'm not supposed to look at his friends' comments? They're right on the first page.
That's hardly snooping.
I have your antique.
Look up "coke.
" Give me the first definition.
The residue of coal "left after destructive distillation and used as fuel.
" - [ Clears throat .]
- Who ever heard of that? Gentlemen, we need a coal magnate with a home in Manhattan.
Two points-- the alchemist.
There's nothing in there but discotheque.
It could be something small like an IBM stock or something.
Keep looking.
[ Whistling .]
Hey, what do we got here? Is there a problem? No, officer, no problems here.
Just, uh, changing my son.
That's a mighty big boy you got there.
Bet he's, uh, he's gonna be a football star, huh? Well, don't let me disturb you.
Carry on.
OK, there, Billy.
Lift your little fanny.
Daddy's gonna change you now.
This is how we lost George Michael.
HANK: Come in, Boy Wonder, this is control.
Studio 54 is not the coke house.
Head to the Frick museum on-- What's that all about? My Nintendo DS Lite? Goo-goo, gaga.
- Butter me, Hank.
I'm on a roll.
- OK.
Um, how? Alright, how is "wild" in the "wild gray gentleman" spelled? Ye old-e-fashioned way.
What the hell does that even mean? With an "e.
" You know, wild-e.
That's not old-e fashioned.
That's a surname.
Oscar "ding-dong" Wilde.
Alright, give me some time here.
[ Beep .]
What is your 1 0-20, Boy Wonder? Hank, it's Brock.
Where's your father? HANK: Kind of lost contact with him.
But he should be going to the Frick museum with Mr.
Alright, book me on the next flight to Laguardia.
How? BROCK: I don't know, Hank.
Get White to do it.
Sweet pecan pie, I've solved it.
Alright, now, try to keep up.
"In a loud room of whistlers" is the Whistler wing in the Frick.
"behind the wilde gray gentleman" refers to Whistlef's painting of Robert de Montesquiou the guy who was the model for Dorian Gray.
And who wrote The Picture of Dorian Gray? Edgar Allan Poe.
Not even close, Hank.
It was Oscar Wilde.
So, "behind the wilde gray gentleman" means "behind the portrait of Montesquiou.
" Get it? A-almost.
Doesn't matter.
Just call your dad.
VENTURE: Billy, knock it off.
You almost hit the painting with your arrow.
Don't even try to tell me that hasn't been your fantasy since you saw The Pink Panther.
So, it's behind this? Alright, let's tear it down.
Uh, don't you think we should check out the room behind this before we destroy a priceless masterpiece? Rusty's back.
It's the old stuff, Billy.
I'm feeling it again.
"Behind the Wilde gray gentleman sits the 22121 0.
" - Super.
- OK, I think I got something.
The 22nd letter is-- I got it! Billy! Billy! Keep it down.
We're in a museum.
Trying to get us popped? Sorry.
I cracked the final code.
It was a simple substitution.
[ Clears throat .]
We are looking for an Orb.
Wow, you are back.
Me and Rusty Venture solving mysteries.
We haven't found it yet, so keep your pants on.
Why? Are you planning on taking them off again? Paperweight, my ass.
Hello, sweet thing.
[ Laughs .]
Well, like my dad used to say "You want to hide something leave it where everybody can see it.
" My god, it's gorgeous.
- Let me see.
- No.
Don't know what it is yet.
Could be dangerous.
What? Wrong.
I got to know what it is.
Been looking for that fucking thing for 30 years.
- Billy, don't be such a dick.
- Poop.
This isn't an invention.
It's a responsibility.
I need to study this.
And if we find that it will help mankind move peacefully forward then we shall share its teachings because we are not only men of science.
- We-- - Are men of hope.
How did you know what I was gonna say? What? Your dad said that at the end of, like, every episode.
Well, he was right.
I mean, he was always right.
[ Chuckles .]
My dad hid this for a reason, and we have to respect that.
The guy was a crappy father.
But, Billy, I'll tell you, he-- he was a great scientist.
Rusty, please.
Come on.
You got to hit this.
Don't leave me hanging.
Alright, just once.
And if this ever gets out My lips are sealed.
BOTH: Go team Venture! HANK: Hey, pop.
What was the treasure? What? Oh, it was nothing.
Just a-a note from my father.
Where's Brock? I want him to get right on fixing up his room.
It's a pigsty.
HANK: I thought he was with you.
[ Cracking .]
[ Engine turns over .]
[ Engine revving .]

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