The Venture Bros (2003) s03e10 Episode Script

The Lepidopterists

1 Minions! Reduce speed to impulse power! Charge the lightning cannon! All battle stations at the ready! At my signal, we show this Dr.
Venture the true power of the cocoon! Well, team, it looks like I've got myself a costumed arch enemy.
Not quite sure what the flying pine cone is all about but I'll give Mr.
Evergreen a run for his money! For he's a jolly good fellow No time for inappropriate and baffling sing-song, Neddy! Venture team! Assemble Ventronic! Ventronic Gold is go! Ventronic Blue is go! Ventronic Red is go! Weee! Slide fun! Nooo, no no! Neddy don't like! Assemble Ventronic! Join me! I form the legs! I form the right arm! I'm flying! Make a happy smile! Go Ventronic! What the fuck is that thing?! Umm, I think it's a giant robot with an ice cream cone for one of its arms I think.
Fire the lightning cannon! Aim for the head.
I want to be able to smell the burning flesh of that little Venture abomination! The lightning cannon sucks! Who loaded it with robot food? Evasive action.
Hard astern.
Ventronic Blue, use the energy blade! Aye, aye boss! The helm is not responding! All systems are down.
We're sitting ducks! Hail Venture on the big screen.
- Bringing him up- - Wait! I wanna do something.
Hold on.
You have one minute to surrender your big robot thing! If you refuse, we will open fire! How about this- I'll give you 20 seconds to kiss your wife for the last time then I finish you off, Mr.
I- I'm the Monarch.
Oh, so the flying pine cone's a- Cocoon.
OK, I'll be right back.
He didn't go for it.
I even did that cool spin thing.
It's a bit of a cliché.
OK, alright, I have another idea.
I'm trying to arch here! This isn't how it's done! Honestly! Wh-What are you doing, ya retard?! - No-no word! - Yes it is, Neddy.
Did he just cut me off? Retard is a hateful word.
We don't use those slurs.
I'm your arch enemy! I'm not gonna use "bungling boobs," or "meddling kids.
" It's not my style.
That guy needs to get a thicker skin.
Thicker skin? Poor Ned has skin that's three inches thick.
Now how do you think that makes him feel? Itchy? I don't know.
Just keep it cat and mouse, not cat and missile.
So it's a game? We fake fight? That's ridiculous.
No, we sharpen our claws.
It's like fencing.
It's about the art of the fight.
Well, I'm about to deliver my killing stroke.
Then what? Then the Guild steps up their game.
You throw a rock, they throw a knife.
You throw a knife they come to your house when you're sleeping and murder your family.
Look, Dr.
Venture I love saying that.
You call the Guild and you get the damned rulebook.
I'll be waiting.
One false move and I will destroy you utterly! Off screen! How'd that look? Could they see the fire? I don't think we're fooling anybody.
We have to come up with something soon or it is over.
You didn't marry a fool! Believe me, no Venture will take down the Monarch! Engineering, restore impulse power! Henchmen 21 and 24, front and center! And henchman number one.
I want you three to execute a Dark S-7 Maneuver.
On the double.
Yes, Monarch.
I gotta ask this- Is there a reason you always use 21 and 24? I know it sounds crazy but they both have that rare blend of expendable and invulnerable that makes for a perfect henchman.
Alright, please tell me you know what the hell a Dark S-7 Maneuver is.
I think it's when, uh- The "dark" prefix indicates that it's a stealth maneuver.
The S-7 indicates that- Dude, who are you? 24 and I work as a duo.
We've done all we can.
I'm sorry your placement isn't working out.
But really, it's not our problem.
The Guild of Calamitous Intent is antagonist relations only.
Well, who handles the good guys? Whoa! I think the less hurtful term is "protagonists.
" Oh, yeah, sorry.
Who handles the protagonists? What, are you serious? O.
, duh! Can you patch me through? Oh, sure.
Just let me get my red phone, the hotline.
No, I'll shine the O.
No, no, no- if we really believe and click our heels, they'll- OK, OK! I get it.
Did you see his creepy little body? Oh, my God, when you were a kid did you ever make G.
Joe hump Rainbow Brite? Yeah.
He's what their kid would have looked like.
They're retreating, follow them! Belay that order! Sweetie, what are you doing? I'm sorry.
We barely have enough power to stay afloat.
And we don't have one weapon online.
Do you trust me? Uh Kind of.
Well, it's now or never.
You have to trust me! Follow them! Incoming from Venture.
Bring him up on the big screen! Monarch, you have been bested.
Now cease this non- Butterfly! Pretty! Thank you, Neddy.
I'll handle this.
Sorry, we like to let Ned make his own decisions.
Then I hope he decides to kiss his leathery ass goodbye.
You have played right into my trap and now you die! Fire the lightning cannon! Engineering, jettison the lightning cannon out the port hatch! Navigation, adjust attitude X and Y 20 degrees! Dr.
Girlfriend, cut all external power! What was that about? Some men are controlled by their hatred.
Clouds their senses and leads them down the path of ruin.
Let that be a lesson to you.
I guess I shouldn't finish that giant cocoon I was building, then.
OK! I was a pirate! I get it! Look, if you can't get over my pirate past we'll never move forward.
Boys, the Monarch is retreating.
Now isn't the time for this.
Back to Spider Skull Island.
We'll reformulate our methods there! Yes, let's ignore the pirate.
He used to be bad.
Ventronic, take us home! I know you can hear me.
Navigation! Get this heap to the lair.
Get up.
We need to make some modifications to the cocoon.
Yeah, are you gonna tell me what the hell you have planned? Why? You don't trust me? I mean, I'm trying to.
It's not that I don't- You know, you- You Just help me get this chair loose.
, can I help you? Yes, this is Dr.
Jonas Venture, Jr.
Can you connect me to the office of Arch Relations, please? This is O.
Dry Cleaning and Laundromat.
I think you have the wrong number.
I'm quite sure I dialed it correctly.
I'm quite sure I'm ironing a shirt.
You have the wrong number there, buddy.
Boss, there's somebody knocking at the front door.
Knock at the front door? This is an isolated island.
Who just drops by and knocks at the front door? Didn't even know we had a front door.
Jonas Venture, Jr.
? Oh, sorry, matey, you want the boss man.
I'll- urgh.
Is there a reason you just darted my man? I didn't see you down there.
- Jonas Venture, Jr.
? - I am.
So who are the dead men I'm speaking to? - That's a joke.
- Regular cut-up.
They should give him a reality show.
- I'd watch it.
- I'd watch it twice.
Even if Flavor Flav was in it.
My name is Mr.
Doe and this is my associate, Mr.
Sorry about putting your man down.
A harmless tranquilizer dart.
You understand.
Judging from your shoot first ask questions later tactics I'll just assume you men are with the O.
? O.
? Never heard of it.
Venture, you know that the O.
denies any knowledge of the Guild of Calamitous Intent? I never mentioned the Guild.
No, but I did.
We were just passing by and heard that you have a butterfly problem.
And you see, me and my associate here are amateur lepidopterists.
You wanna see my stamp collection? Only if we were philatelists.
Which we aren't, Mr.
Smart guy.
Oh, my head's gonna explode.
I can't hear squat.
You should perform the Valsalva Maneuver.
Look, Mister "I'm the Best Henchman Ever " we'll get to business in a second.
I'm trying to pop my ear.
The Valsalva Maneuver is when you adjust the pressure in your middle ear, silly.
A swallow or a yawn should do the trick.
That has a name? Listen, dude, don't get cozy with us.
You're the guy who doesn't come back.
Yes, some guy who just shows up that nobody's ever seen before.
Right, and he's all professional.
Yeah, dude, you're a goner.
Let me tell you a story about a little henchman named Speedy.
Oh! Argh! Captain! You OK? Man, get off my back Mom! Sorry.
You look like you needed help.
So I'm a disappointment, I guess.
Help the pirate.
The pirate can't do anything for himself.
Why are you such a bitch? Like you're perfect.
What has gotten into you? Sweet tranquilizer dart, that's what.
So get out! You're always trying to bring me down.
And bring me a fucking sandwich! - The Monarch has killed - As in cold blooded murdered.
his last five arch enemies.
Now that sounds like a violation to me.
Sounds like a violation to anyone with ears.
So what now? I'm not sure what the proper procedure is for dealing with unhinged and quite honestly, incompetent arch enemies.
We are recommending that you pin this butterfly to a piece of cardboard.
As in cold-blooded murder.
To assist us in this matter we took the liberty of inviting an exterminator.
A specialist in your specific bug problem.
Little man has friend waiting to play.
That's quite a monster you got.
He have a leash? I bet his eyes are as gooey as the next guy's.
Funny hat! Ned wants funny hat! Lower it, Cardholder.
The ape's daffy.
Head full of pudding.
Friend! Looks like our exterminator has arrived.
Hey! Hey, hey! I'm not supposed to be in here! I see, so you just want to kill the Monarch.
That seems like the sporting thing to do.
You wanna what, shoot him? And all his men and his wife? You could steal his cattle, too.
Maybe burn his village down? It's an antiquated system.
I mean, my father did this fake arch enemy nonsense in the '60s.
Maybe my brother is good with this namby-pamby guy-in-a-costume-chases-you-around nonsense, but I'm not.
No disrespect, Jonas, but it isn't so easy.
These guys like their system.
It's what they do.
You take that away and you are looking at a bunch of pissed off nut bags with ray guns and giant- I don't know a giant octopus slash tank with laser eyes.
I've seen one of those.
I like the cut of this guy's jib.
I like the cut of his hair.
All right, fine.
Then what if we keep it traditional? This Monarch character has broken some rules.
If by "rules," you mean skulls.
And if by "broken," you mean pulverized.
So we put on a big show.
We do it like dear old Daddy Venture would've.
Then everybody's happy.
Everybody but the Monarch.
What do you have in mind? I'm gonna fall off it.
Just use nails for now, or glue.
I don't care.
- All right, here it is.
- Give me the news! If Protagonist aggression exceeds Level 8- I think trying to actually kill me is at least that.
The Antagonist, in the case of survival or escape is granted extended vengeance.
This includes Guild sanctioned immediate relatives.
So, all I gotta do is stay alive and Rusty Venture is mine? That's what it says.
Venture is a Guild sanctioned rel- Whoa! Finally! Vengeance is mine! Which one of you idiots broke my wife? What are you guys doing? I'm freezing.
Can we be done, please? Yeah, I swallowed too much water.
Now I'm gonna get diarrhea, thank you very much.
That tunnel down there leads to the main room.
Take a deep breath.
I'm not sure how long it is.
No way! I got freaked out when I had to do that playing Tomb Raider.
Oh, and she did that creepy drowning, contortion thing.
That was grizzly.
Yeah, no way.
What? We have to.
This is how we get to the main room to complete the Dark S-7 Maneuver.
OK, fine, I'll go ahead alone.
Going alone? This is why you new guys always die.
You just can't smell a cliché coming.
Dude, you are way too into this.
Seriously, what kind of douche would blindly swim an underwater tunnel? Then what- Yeah, what about going that way? It's hardly the best route.
Hands up, who peed in the water? Well, I guess we could go that way.
Check it out, gentlemen.
Constructed by a little old villain named Scaramantula and only used on Sundays to go to church.
Been dying to give it a spin.
Aww, no fucking way.
Late '60s Ultra Death Ray! She's amazing.
Saddle operated with Doom Co.
Freaking gorgeous.
If that were a woman, I'd marry her.
And I'd jeopardize our friendship by nailing your hot wife.
Gyroscopic positioning? At six points.
And get this, it comes up out of the top of the Skull.
That's how it's done.
I didn't know there was a museum to Dr.
Venture on this island.
This is awesome! You think there are rides, or, like, a moonwalk? One of you have an extra electro patch? No, we don't wear our utility belts.
Yeah, they're dorky.
Kinda like fanny packs for henchmen.
Plus they make me look fat.
Blame it on the utility belt.
And you guys think I'm gonna die.
I carry my full complement of utilities.
He says as he electrocutes himself.
I'm not gonna die! Stop it! He grabs a bomb on accident right here.
Kaboom! I'm not gonna die.
Yeah, and then the snake jumps out and bites you right on your eye.
Stop it! OK, done.
Easy peasy.
So now you know what the Dark S-7 Maneuver is.
We do? I'm getting good at rebuilding this thing.
It looks like it should.
No, it looks pretty good if you don't turn your head.
Monarch, the S-7 Maneuver is complete! It was? Those idiots are amazing.
All right.
Engage the Capricorn Device! Then bring the wee Venture freak up on the little screen we just wheeled in front of my throne.
Hailing him now.
Thought you got rid of me? On the contrary, my dear Monarch I was hoping to hear from you.
And were you hoping that I was racing my newly revamped flying cocoon toward your island? He's about 20 miles offshore.
He is really humming.
I didn't even know that thing could move like that.
Goodbye, Dr.
You might want to make a list of questions for your father.
- Did you get that? - It was kinda vague.
Well, his father's dead.
So, you know, he can ask him stuff because he'll be joining him in Hell.
Ah! I should have said the "Hell" part.
That would have been cool.
Yeah, that would have been the way to go.
That, and then the menacing laugh.
So the butterfly falls willingly into the Spider Skull's web.
- Mmmm, nope.
- Just a bit confusing.
Good try though.
It's my first shot at it.
You know, I'm starting to see the allure of all this.
So, I guess you wanna shoot it yourself? Of course! Well, do you have any Death Ray experience? I mean, those things can kick.
Is the great Brock Samson jealous of my super sweet Death Ray? - Kinda.
- Tough tiddlywinks! Fire her up! This floor is laser trip-wired.
We have to find an alternate route.
Yeah, maybe over a shark tank or something.
Yeah, you go off and meet your Maker while 24 and I keep going this way.
Knock it off, you guys.
It's starting to get to me.
You still don't get it.
24 and I have been on, like, 1,000 missions.
We've been shot at, dipped in acid.
Brock Samson hit me with a car.
Drove right into my kidney.
Here I am.
Yeah, we could walk across this floor and nothing would hit us.
But then this huge log would swing down and take your head off.
Here what's your name? - Henchman Number One.
- See, you are nameless.
I'm Scott Hall.
My name is Scott Hall, OK? Nope.
Won't help.
Yeah, now it's just pathos.
When you're dying in my lap, and I'm all "Scott, Scott! Don't you quit on us! Don't you dare!" You just made your unavoidable death more pathetic.
Fuck it.
Nothing's gonna happen to me.
Well? Oh, come on! Six miles and closing fast! Trajectory target at X-15, Y-23! Blind fire available at two miles! Re-targeting! I have an intruder alert, museum floor! Who puts a museum on a hidden island fortress? Jonas, there's an intruder in the museum! What? Zapruder films in the museum? No! There's someone in the museum.
Can't be.
We're closed on the weekends! I'll check it out unless you feel like letting me shoot that thing.
No chance, Samson.
I've always wanted to try this but the opportunity never comes up! Poor guy missed out on, like the greatest cliché in deception.
But getting killed by Brock that's a glorious way for a henchman to go.
You guys are henchmen, aye? Aah! Jeez, you're real! I used to be.
Say, you gents don't carry dart guns, do ya? Yeah tranquilizers.
Gonna rat us out? Not if you give me a hit of dart.
You wanna be shot with a tranquilizer dart? I have the dart monkey on me back.
Just one, man.
After this one, I'm going straight.
I just need that one last dart.
Just one more.
OK, but dude, you know this is creepy.
Right in the neck, if you don't mind.
Yes! It's like getting sucked off by an angel a sweet angel with a tranquilizer.
Steady Steady Get ready to light that thing! He's almost on you! Now! So, I guess we're retired again.
Oh, and I have to move back in with my dad.
It's so humiliating.
Hello? 21 and 24, prepare for pickup at drop point Alpha-7.
Monarch Monarch? We thought you died! What? That midget shot his cannon into a cloud.
How do you not know that? You dinks are the ones who installed the video surveillance patch.
We did? Oh.
That's what the Dark S-7 Maneuver is? I hate that you're my best men.
Hey, what happened to henchman One? Death by Samson.
Perfect! We shall avenge his death! We raid the Venture Compound at dawn! Sweet! Over and out.
- So we saved the day? - I think so.
Oh dude, tell me you know where drop point Alpha-7 is?
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