The Venture Bros (2003) s03e09 Episode Script

Now Museum -- Now You Don't!

MAN: Gentlemen, welcome to Spider-Skull Island! And to the first ever Summit of the Fraternity of Torment! May our hatred bind us together always in villainous brotherhood.
Hatred for the cruel society that once mocked us for our differences.
Man-o-taur your size made you an outcast among men but now they fear you.
- Brainulo, your deformity has-- - It's not a deformity! Oh.
Your heart wrenching addiction to plastic surgery has-- I was born like this-- 1 ,000 years from now! Right, OK.
Screw your brotherhood, Scaramantula.
I came here in a robot! The only reason I've deigned to ally my superior mind with this syndicate of smallbrains is to exact revenge upon Dr.
Venture for stranding me here in 1 9-shitty-9! We'll get to that.
But first we must give a warm Fraternity of Torment welcome to our newest member, Dr.
No doubt your supernumerary nipple made you a pariah in your childhood village of Japan-inowa? Yes.
That's why I'm all evil now.
And I hate Dr.
Venture! As do we all, my thoroughly Japanese friend who is easily-- easily-- six foot two.
But I have a plan to eliminate Venture once and for all! Behold! If Venture does not surrender to us within the hour we will feed his boy to my ravenous piranhas! Alright! Alright! Fantastic! Classic! I'll bet I know what Dr.
Venture will say when he gets a load of that! What is that, my uncharacteristically hirsute Asian comrade? Go, Team Venture! Ah! What? Ah! Go, Team Venture! ! ! No, no, no! Wait, wait! Aw, come on! GENTLEMAN: Have at you! Ha! Ha! [ Grunting .]
Futuro! Squash them like the bugs they are! Go Team Venture! Action! Action! Action! Action! Action! Action! Whoa, whoa, whoa, Rodney! What are you doing? What? I'm winning the day! Well, take it down a notch.
I mean, Ook-Ook is a mindless savage and even he knows when to pull his punches.
Ook! Ook! My chest hurts.
[ Groans .]
My tongue is too big for my mouth.
Take five, Humongloid.
You've fought bravely.
Oh, yes yes.
[ Mumbling excitedly .]
[ Woman on PA speaks foreign language .]
What the devil is that? Italian! It's a self-destruct countdown.
Aw, why they always gotta pull that? Fan out, Team Venture! We've got to find that bomb! [ Electricity crackles .]
False alarm.
So you fellas think that champagne's still cold? [ Laughter .]
Say, Dickie! Get a picture of us in our new headquarters, will ya? You betcha, Doc! OK, everyone! Say "Go, Team Venture!" Go Team Venture! And that's how Dad captured Spider-Skull Island and so I can think of no more fitting home for the Jonas Venture Junior Museum of Jonas Venture.
[ Up-tempo music .]
[ Male voices arguing .]
Alright, simmer down! I'm warnin' ye! If ya don't quit yer bickerin', I'm turnin' this vessel around! I remember when this was all under water.
Yeah, it's always sad when that happens.
JONAS: A little souvenir from one of Dad's very first adventures.
This is the real "atomic secret" the Rosenbergs tried to sell to the Russians.
[ Slight laughter .]
Will you excuse me, gentlemen? BOTH: Hi, Uncle J.
! Hello, boys.
Say, Brock? My bartender whips up a Shirley Temple that's out of this world! Maybe you should take the boys? Oh, yeah, yeah.
C'mon, boys lets go wet our non-alcoholic whiskers.
Score! You're late.
And I told you it was black tie.
- This is.
- That means formal evening dress.
Not a Scooby-Doo purple suit with a clip-on that happens to be black! Dean thought I looked nice.
We're representing Dad here! Show some dignity.
- I don't think he's going to mind.
- Well, I mind! Practically everyone Dad ever worked with is here.
I'm gonna have to talk to the Harlem Globetrotters again?! Sir, there's a disturbance in the hangar.
I'm busy, tell the captain to take care of it.
SCARAMANTULA: I bet you wondered how I managed to escape all those times or how I kept my trim figure? Now all my secrets are revealed, huh? [ Laughter .]
[ Heavy breathing .]
Geez, you'd think he could have built an elevator in here.
An escalator.
A ramp! Anything! He once built a machine it spun steel like spider's silk.
Beautiful in the sunlight the silvery web.
Ho! Two at a time! Like it was yesterday! Come on, Team Venture, winded so soon? I'm gonna kill him.
I swear-- I got plastic knees, you son of a bitch! [ Chaotic yelling .]
Richard! Youmade it.
H-hello, again Jonas.
Yay! Super-car! Go car! I won't let you keep her, little man - Pardon? - N-nothing.
[ Laughs .]
It's all just like it was! - Wonderful! - [ Groaning .]
Welcome home to Spider-Skull Island, gentlemen! Ah geez! What the hell are you?! Oh, how impolite of me.
I'm Jonas Venture Junior.
I'll show you to your table.
Captain? Couldja be a pal and tell Sally the Professor's arrived? Iwhoo! Just gimme a minute here, will ya? Oh, and take Ned with you, wouldja? Thanks, Cap.
Alright there, big fella.
Time ta get out of the flyin' car Come on, now, Ned, don't make this-- Yarrr! ! ! ! Humongloid! - Long time no see, pally! - Fellas, thank God.
Listen, do any of you need a roommate? S'matter? Ain't there enough room for you at the Venture compound? [ Wry laugh .]
The compound's fine but those kids keep trying to flush me down the fucking toilet! They think I'm the Ty-D-Bol man.
Yeah, they're not exactly the brightest bulbs on the ol' Menorah.
[ Struggling .]
Yes! Told ya! Pay up! Hey, there, Miss Sally, the chairman asked me to-- - Jeepers! - [ Sally screams .]
Aaaah! ! [ Continues screaming .]
Yaarrr! ! Sorry! Sorry.
Geez, this is all kinds of uncomfortable.
On, like, a couple of levels here.
So, uh, whaddya think? Pretty impressive set-up, huh? Yeah, it's only missing one thing.
Chicks? Not-deformed guys? I'll give you a hint-- who was, for 43 years the only son of Dr.
Jonas Venture? Who, from the ages of 3 to 1 7 accompanied him on hundreds of adventures the chilling memories of which rouse him from sleep in a cold sweat to this day? Oh, speaking of which didja get a look at that ice sculpture at the bar? Yeah, I got one just like it in bronze on my front lawn.
- Why? - Yeah, you should eh go check it out.
Hello, Richard.
Sally! I, eh Did you bring the divorce papers? Ithink I left them in my other s-suit.
Dammit, Richard.
Never mind.
- Wait! - I have a copy upstai-- Wait! Take me back, Sally.
Richard, no.
We've been through this.
I worked too much.
I realize that, now.
I-I-I'm learning to have more f-fun.
See, look? Hey, hey! Pull yourself together, Richard, you're a mess.
Myer girlfriend likes my hair this way.
She's young, and, eh we're getting a boat! No, that's a lie.
You know me so well.
[ Sighs .]
Gimme another double sidecar.
No, no, no, Paulo! The canapes come out now.
I can't believe you invited him! What? Who, Richard? He was in the boys' brigade! [ Laughter .]
Ned! No! No, Ned, no! Captain! Do something about that! I'm not finished with you.
Man-howdy, you would have loved it! Friday night, we'd fly down to Cuba arch Castro for a couple of hours then swing up to the White House for "debriefing"-- which was Jack's code for one of his legendary pool parties.
- Right, right.
- 'Round 2:00, we'd jet over to Vegas in time to catch Frank's last show at the Sands! Then bingo-bongo, down to Cocoa Beach to whoop it up with the Mercury Guys.
- Right.
- What a pisser! Hey, what's that guy's story? He one of you, too? Nah, that's Brainulo, one of our old nemeses.
'Claimed he was some kinda super-genius from the future.
I don't know.
Super-senile now if you ask me.
You're the Action Man, aren't you?! Action! ! ! This is unbelievable! Can I get your autograph? Sure thing, Venturoo.
Who do I make it out to? Holy crap, you're all here! Man, I don't know if I brought enough-- White! How much cash do you have on you? WHITE: You told me it was open bar! What're you guys charging? 1 0? 20? - No, son, we-- - Will you take a check, please?! I'm a friend of Rusty's! CAPTAIN: Ned, no! Leave him be and put yer pants on.
Yer makin' people sick! Sorry there, fella.
Ned, come back here! You were trying to command Futuro! A-Are you my mommy? Stop faking.
You're not senile, I saw you! Alright, fine.
Now be quiet about it! I want to lull the puny-minded Ventures into a false sense of security that I may strike when they least expect it! Can I help you? I hate what they've done to this room.
Very well.
Tonight, the Fraternity of Torment will have its revenge! Go, Team Venture! Oh, those diabolical sons of bitches! No, no, see-- there's four here the eyebrows are five and six and the moustache, she makes eight legs.
Eh? See? Tarantula - Scaramantula! - Ohhh.
God, I always wondered about that.
Thanks! Could you sign it, too? You were like my favorite villain ever.
No offense.
It's a big head thing.
Vanish! This is what you call vengeance?! It's killing them our line is longer than theirs! Look how they keep looking over! Oh! Oh, hey, Rusty! For you, no charge! I just came by to say how glad I am you were all able to make it out to gorge yourselves on free shrimp in my fathef's honor.
OK, Doc-- Too bad your old pal Colonel Gentleman couldn't be here to bask in the glory with you-- Ohor did you guys get him killed, too? [ Gasps .]
It's the ghost of Colonel Gentleman! That's for breaking my stepdaughter's heart! Hey, hey, now Don't try it, Prince Adam! This old panther's still got moves that'll make your mullet spin! But you're supposed to be dead.
Nonsense, I'm an ox! But we poked you and everything.
Oh, that was you? Kiki told me someone had been in the flat while he was gone We'd had our rows before but I'd never seen him like that.
A taut, brown spitfire-- strafing me with recrimination and Mumsy's china.
When he walked out my door I thought "this time, you've done it, Gentleman.
"He's left you for good.
" So I buried my grief in an entire box of Malomars-- with a Yoo-Hoo chaser! Well, you boys must have happened upon me whilst I was in the throes of a diabetic coma.
Thankfully, Kiki soon came to his senses and he crawled back to the best god damn thing that ever happened to him [ Inhales sharply .]
Kiki! You've come back to me! Kiki is so sorry, Master Gentleman.
That's for givin' me a coma, ya fickle ponce! Get up! ! ! I was in desperate need of a good workout.
Gaw! Blasted Malomars my tits are back! And a few poppers later Kiki gave me one, by God.
And a thousand sweat-soaked silent sorries later we were back together.
Anyway, you can read all about it my memoirs [ Whimpering .]
Watch out! Incoming frog men! Wow.
Please don't touch the displays.
RUSTY: Sam in a sweater.
Extra ice.
Way to bodyguard.
Well, he wasn't tryin' to kill ya, so technically You boys enjoying the party? Oh don't you even--! Everything's great, J.
- You really outdid yourself.
- Great, great.
Say, can I borrow him for a minute? There's this picture I'm just dying to get while everyone's here-- J.
I need to talk to you.
- Listen, can it wait, hon'? - No, it cannot wait! You've been ignoring me the entire night! You never told me you were inviting Richard, and now he's-- You're obviously upset and I want to be there for you, Funnyface.
Just hold that thought and I'll be back in a mo'.
[ Chuckles .]
[ Grunts .]
I-I can't believe you slept with Killer Manjaro.
- I had no idea he was you know.
- Neither did he.
Till the day he tried to ambush me in the middle of a threesome with Gore Vidal and Wally Schirra! Hey fellas, if I could get you all to gather in the next room for a moment, I'd like to-- w-what is this? Are you selling autographs? Like gangbusters! We made table money in the first five minutes! Y-You can't do that here-- you're cheapening the memory.
Listen, pot noodle, we are the memory, OK? Now I saw your "suggested donation" box on the way in.
So unless you're giving us a cut of the door I suggest you go roust Spiderman and the Great Gazoo over there.
Look at them! Ratting us out to the man.
Cowards! Incompetent fool! The man should be wearing a rubber ass on his face instead! But why ally myself with Scara-mental-case when there's plenty of evil to work with right here in this room? This entire museum is a psychic powder keg! All I need do is light the match! BRAINULO: You want those, don't you? Take them! She doesn't love you anymore and she shan't again.
Feel the burn! You gotta do somethin', Captain! Not for nuthin', but he's drivin' us up a friggin' wall here! 800 napkins, and he makes me re-fold every last one of them.
"I told you triangles," he says.
And it's the way he tells ya stuff.
Like he's sayin' it all nice but then he's really sticking it to ya, like between the lines.
Look, believe me I hear ya, little Joe.
But the chairman's been good to all of us.
He's just under a lotta stress right now with the openin'.
Things was better before.
Things was better when you was our leader.
We was stuck in the Sargassum for ten years.
Yeah, but we was free! We was pirates! Now we're nuthin' but a buncha trained monkeys.
And he's made you the biggest monkey of all.
No disrespect.
JONAS: Captain? Captain, where did you get off to? We're taking the picture! Alright.
You got it, Hector? OK, come on in here, Swift! Where do you want me? Oh, I forgot, you weren't in the original.
You want to take it? I seem to have lost my Captain.
I'm right here, damn it.
Guess I don't need you after all, Rust.
Captain's a heckuva shutterbug though not a very punctual one.
Oh yah, ya got the shutter speed set way too low there.
Wait, someone's missing.
Ook-ook! Captain! Come and be our Ook-Ook.
Ya could photoshop'm in later Come on, it'll be fun! Aw, geez Ya mind, Rusty? Richard! You should take it.
You took the original-- how perfect! - O-OK.
- Oh, oh wait, Cap.
Take your shirt off and slouch.
You're supposed to be a caveman! No! I'm not comfortable with th-- Come on, be a sport.
It'll be riot! Look, yer pushin' me buttons now, chairman.
I've had about alls I can take! Ya been runnin' me ragged all day and I'm tired a'bein' yer dangblasted trained monkey! Eh! That's for callin' Ook-Ook a monkey! Fellers? You were right.
Now who feels like bein' a pirate again?! [ Cheering .]
BRAINULO: Khe San, 1 970.
You still hear the cries of the children as you burned their village.
Work with that! You fantasize about conquering the mother from Growing Pains?! Aw, yeah, that episode where they showed her in the bathtub--? Uh wha, eh.
Sally! Yes! Here we go.
Sally! I did it all for you, Sally.
Hoo-- oh.
[ Pirates yelling .]
[ Ned groaning .]
Don't fight! Don't fight, little man! This is gonna be one of those "things," isn't it? Hmm? I mean, you get a bunch of shortfused, costumed idiots together in one room like this and what do you think's gonna happen? Any minute now, stuff's gonna start blowing up guys'll be throwing each other into other guys.
- Yeah.
- Huh.
You know, when you're not the one in the middle of it all for once it's actually totally, completely obvious.
Welcome to my life.
[ Giggling .]
Boys! C'mon, we're going.
Ahoy there! ! ! Listen up, all of ya! We're takin' this ship! Yar! Yo ho, ho! Jinky! It's pirates! Go, Team Venture! [ Blows landing, grunting .]
Weee! Yes! Yes! Dance, my puppets! Dance! JONAS:I never met my father.
All of my memories of him come from these old films the items on display here at the Jonas Venture Junior Museum of Jonas Venture and the anecdotes that you, those closest to him have been kind enough to share with me No! No! You won't defeat me again, Venture! Strike them down, my colossal metal friend! Now, while their underdeveloped brains are drunk on saccharine sentimentality! Dr.
What would you say was your greatest adventure and, eh, parenthetically eh what is your greatest invention? Well, Dick, those are both excellent questions.
But I'm afraid I only have one answer-- My son.
Captain? The house lights please? You got it, chairman.
Well, it seems my father still has much to teach us.
Which is exactly why I built the Jonas Venture Junior Museum of Jonas Venture.
To spread Dad's message of hope, love and super-science.
And now, if I may I'd like to ask my brother to say a few words.
Rusty? But it's a melee! You live for that crap! I'm your bodyguard.
Not your brother's.
He can put out his own fires.
Come on! Move, damn you! Just lift one foot for me step on someone.
Anyone! Work with me here! [ Straining .]
[ Electricity crackling .]
[ Alarm blares .]
[ Woman on PA speaking Italian .]
Good call.
[ Muttering .]
That was totally worth crapping myself in front of everyone.
[ Stammers .]
Oh screw it, let's go! We come back to fight another day! [ Grunting .]
- Wait, Brock.
We have to go back.
- Whaaat? He's family, Brock.
And he's in trouble.
He needs us.
- Pff! Get the fuck outta here.
- Ha ha! Had you goin' for a minute, there, didn't I? Huh? - Yeah.
- Had you goin'! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
WOMAN ON PA: Due uno [ Struggling, coughing .]
Oh, Richard, that was one of the most selfless things I've ever seen.
- Thank you - Yes, thank you, Richard.
And you're welcome in our home any time.
Tell the truth.

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