The Venture Bros (2003) s03e08 Episode Script

Tears of a Sea Cow

1 Yes, chilling! I'm so scared of your leftover prop from a Styx video.
Oh, please spare my life, Mr.
Miss me, darling? What? No, I just saw you, like, five minutes ago.
You have thwarted my robot, my dear Monarch! But Dr.
Dugong has plenty more tricks up his sleeve.
You don't have sleeves.
You're in a seal costume.
Dugong! And it's not a costume! - Boys, locate Dr.
- Dugong! He's been on the stupid PA the whole time.
There's a speaker right over my head.
It's so loud.
It's blah, blah blah, blah blah.
desperate attempt to learn the secrets of love and caring, was chemically fused with a gentle sea cow! Dr.
Sea Lion won't stop with the third person.
Dugong! A dugong! Douglas Ong.
Dugong - Oh, my God, thank you.
OK, I know he's annoying, but you have to get into it.
You gotta at least pretend to try.
He's such a weenus.
Did you hear that origin story? "Secrets of love and caring"? - "Caring"? - Yeah, that was kinda gay.
But I really want you to try to take this seriously.
We've located Dr.
Dugong, mum.
Good work.
Mommy's little babies.
It's bad enough that they ignore me but do you have to call them that? Man seeks a good time, but he is not a hedonist.
He seeks love, he just doesn't know where to look.
He looks under the beds of whores and in the hot stem of a crack pipe but he should look to nature.
Gentle aquatic mammals have all the answers.
Your door was locked, so we let ourselves in.
Yeah, we got our own key.
Well, if it isn't Dr.
The Monarch the pupa twins, and a-and Come on, Monarch.
What's the holdup? OK, OK.
Oh, man! You're all flesh colored.
How much thalidomide did your mom take? You may have found my inner sanctum, but you are not - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Can you hold that speech for a second? - Don't forget it.
- I won't.
One second! Will you just try to do this right? This guy's a chump.
You get me in front of Dr.
Venture and I'll show you how I dance.
We'll talk about that later.
Now, please, do it for me.
OK, fine.
Go ahead.
Oh, oh.
You may have found my inner sanctum - Shut up! Now give us the key, or the plans or whatever-the-hell you have! I have a tank full of gentle cuttlefish.
Give us the cuttlefish! Cuttle I can't do this! Oh, you were so close, sweetie.
Just pretend he's Dr.
Give me that gun.
You abandoned me! You abandoned my hatred! I- I-I have cuttlefish.
Look into my eyes! His pernicious steed circles the graves Of the damned souls Blood morphs into fire Demon sword in flames Hell lava licks the wounds of my insanity My insanity So? Hmm, rock band music? OK, I'll do the feature.
What's your angle? You're incredibly lame.
Here's the angle.
The next big thing since Eddy and The Cruisers.
My boyband good looks, Dermott's bizarre anger and a robot on drums.
Hmm, I like it.
It has a science angle.
So, what does the band go by? I like "Lip Glossary.
" And I'm leaning towards "Goat Blood Sacrifice.
" Well, there's your story.
We'll have a readers' contest.
Dean, we're your only readers.
My subscribers number well into the teens! Right here in "Affection Directions" a troubled reader queries - "I'm on love with my boss' wife.
"But because my boss is a known killer and private torturer "I'm afraid to say something.
" Signed, G.
So I reply - "It's a slippery slope you ski, Mr.
"But yours truly Deany Vee "thinks it's best to march up to her "and tell her how you feel.
"It doesn't matter that she's kinda scary "and that her Dad is magic.
"It's best to make your noble intentions known.
" Complete weenus.
I thought it was pretty good advice.
I mean, a man can't live a lie and still be a man! This Viceroy guy is probably dying inside.
Dude, this Viceroy guy is probably fictitious.
Or one of you guys.
Why would you say that? I mean, it's absurd.
There's no proof that it's one of us.
Well, it's Dean Venture's fake little newspaper.
How many people read it? Well, yeah.
That's what I meant.
Because it sounds like a joke.
That's joking.
That's totally joking talk.
Drop it.
Hey, the buffoon answered my question.
Unbelievable! OK, OK, check this out.
I wrote - "Dear Deany Vee, I'm remodeling my bachelor pad.
"And everybody knows that Deany Vee lives in the coolest home ever.
"Could you please print out a layout of the Venture compound.
"Complete with security schematics and access codes?" "You are in luck, Bare Walls in Baltimore.
"Because I plan a whole feature on the Venture compound "and a two page spread "on Rusty Venture's amazing Vacuum-boombroom "fresh from it's triumphant showing at the Science Now Conference.
"That, plus word jumbles, comics, and coupons "all in the next Venture Home News!" Showing the Vacuum-boombroom.
Do you know what that means? That Venture's invented an exploding vacuum? And that he gave it the stupidest name ever? Close! It means that Venture is, as we speak showing his lame-ass invention at the Science Now Conference.
Ahh! This is the first year I won't be there to piss on his parade! Dude! Oh, I mean, Mighty Monarch! We should do it.
- Come on, it would be so sweet.
- Can't.
Guild won't let me arch Venture.
Why do you think I'm hanging out with you guys? Because we're super-cool! Yeah, that's it.
As cool as we are, undeniable.
If I had a lady like your wife, I would be with her right now.
And I'd be brushing her hair and then we'd explore our feelings.
If you had a lady like my wife you would be in an alternate universe where - where dogs talk and birds have human pets.
Wooo- oh, crap! You just reminded me.
I have to go to my wife's little post game pow wow.
He went arching? Without us? Ow! Ohh! We don't get to do anything.
I'm, like, this close to arching the paper boy.
Sweetie, you just killed your arch enemy.
You killed him.
He's dead.
Well, I'm that good.
What can I say? You're not an assassin, you're a villain.
The Guild is very touchy with cold-blooded murder on day one! With a fucking cripple that thinks he's half a sea cow.
That guy was lame! I can't go from Dr.
Venture to that guy.
If these are the kind of Protagonists I keep getting I'm gonna quit.
Yeah, quit.
You kill every arch enemy you get assigned and I keep apologizing to the Guild.
Just quit.
That's fair.
Now you're trying to make me out to be the bad guy.
Yes! I'm trying to make you a bad guy! We're both bad guys! We're professional bad guys.
Ding! Hello?! Yes, please, belittle me in front of my henchmen.
It's a real morale booster.
Well, why are we arguing in front of the henchmen anyway? Because the henchmen are standing here.
Are you two gonna get a divorce? That's a very pretty costume, Mrs.
I have a cocoon parked in a tree that is full of guys that do nothing but play a video game that uses a little plastic baby guitar! They have nothing to do since those mean little freaks moved in.
I don't wanna sound prejudice or anything but they are super creepy.
As long as this is all out in the open I have evidence that they pee in the corners of my room.
They're marking my room.
You wanna lose some of that belly fat right fast? Put you on a cold steel diet.
Be the last diet you ever go on.
Boys, don't cut anybody.
No, go ahead and kill him.
Metaphorically! Do it.
The henchmen aren't being used for anything! I mean, you and your knife wielding miniature psychos seem to do just fine without us! Come on, Minions.
We are not needed here! - Time! - 3.
23 seconds.
Not bad considering your lack of training.
Alright, it's my turn.
Here's the secret.
You have to lead H.
Aw, come on! Your ceiling's too low for me to do my sweet Gymkata hand-spring wheel-kick.
OK, ready, set Go! Our drummer wasn't ready! I came at him with my chi totally focused right here in my upper chest.
Plus, if I had on my tabbi boots, I - Shhh! - What? - Somebody's coming! Oh, forget it.
Just let him in.
What is going on in here? Hey, loser.
Changed out of your 1910 banker's costume into your Umpa Lumpa costume for us? It's a speed suit.
I wear it when I'm doing science.
Dean, putting plastic dinosaurs in water till they get huge and all bloated isn't "doing science.
" That hurt, Hank.
I expect that kind of sass from Dermott, but not from you.
Can you please stop H.
from drumming?! No, I'm not even sure how we got him to start.
We can't even get him to play something different.
OK, it's 10:30.
I'm gonna clean up the mess in the kitchen, you're welcome.
And then it's bedtime for all of us.
What, are you going through menopause? Have some fun for once.
Yeah, Deano.
Lighten up.
You are missing the big picture, Hank.
If Dad sees that we can handle ourselves without him we get more privileges.
Scooter rides off the compound sleep away astronaut camp, public school.
Hank, public school! We are being tested! You guys are sad.
Why did he decide to leave you here in the first place? Something about the Conference having "hot desperate women.
" And we had a bad run-in with the Hot Lava men of Tanga Island.
So I can imagine how dangerous their women get when they're desperate.
I can't take it anymore! I- I gotta blow off some steam or something.
Two words, titty bar.
I'm just gonna throw that out there.
Totally! And two more words - potato skins.
I got a better idea.
We return to suckle the teat of hate that once nourished us like so much butterfly themed Romulus and Remus.
So, yes, to the strip club? No! We are going to fuck up an empty Venture Compound! Your wife isn't gonna like that.
Whatever! When did this happen? Last thing I remember I was planting dynamite under Venture's baby blue jeep! That was the best! And we had that plunger thing you push down.
So classic.
We need to get an anvil and drop that on him.
Sweet! Or a round bomb! Oh, the black ones with the fuse? I love those.
But look at my life now.
Hatred's become a job.
I had true hatred with Venture.
I didn't have to fake it.
That sweet loathing just poured out of me whenever I saw his pathetic face.
I just - I just wanted to kick his ass.
I wanted to build a machine to kick his ass.
I wanted to build an empire to house the machine to kick his ass! Then, by God, let's go take a dump in his pool! What's with the sidecar? It's your Queen's throne.
Yeah, just one of the many super-features we worked into the new cocoon.
Why don't you just paint the place pink, while you're at it.
I rebuilt that throne and never knew it did that.
To the Monarchmobile! This rules! I'm gonna take the stairs.
OK, Monarch, I'm gaining serious fucking momentum over here! Well, use your feet to slow yourself down.
I'm wearing booties! I can feel every seam on this thing! It kills! Ow! The crown! Can you pull over please? I can't stop! Aaah! Ow! Oh, right on my coccyx.
Ow, right on your coccyx.
Who put the top up? You'll thank me later.
It's gonna rain.
Whoa! What is this, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? Who else knew it could do this? This is driving me crazy! H.
, activate! H.
, disable vocal functions.
, disable alarm functions! Oh, come on! H.
, disable all accessible audio functions.
Access password, Rusty is a cowboy.
Hey, what gives? I didn't do it.
Man, I hope the tape didn't snap.
Brock would kill me.
It's his only tape.
It's Brock's? Hey, you think I could borrow it.
You know, just for a few days.
What's that? I freaking knew it.
Why didn't the alarms go off? 'Cause that's a UFO.
They screw with electrical fields, duh.
- Are you sure? - I'm totally positive.
They just landed behind your freaking house.
So that rules out a weather balloon or the moon.
I have to call my Dad and Brock and tell them the aliens are back.
Back? What, does this happen a lot? About as much as ghost hauntings, or time machine guys from the past showing up to yell at my Dad.
What are you doing? I'm gonna put this lighter up my corn hole.
So when the aliens try to probe me, and they totally will they'll get a face full of freakin' fire! Nobody goes in through my out door.
Come on, somebody.
Answer your watch.
Beggin' your pardon, mum.
Aah! What are you doing in here? Monarch is gone.
So is the Monarchmobile.
He's with his two cronies.
It figures.
You want we should go find him? No, no, no.
I know exactly where he is.
What I want is for you to get outta here so I can change.
We could just close our eyes.
And promise not to peek? - At your body.
- At your naked body.
Get out! This is what it's all about.
Ahh, just smell that air.
Oh, jeez, that is foul! Don't look at me! There's a septic tank somewhere around here.
That's the smell of pure hate.
I remember the first time I smelled that.
I was so young back then.
It feels like it was just yest- Is anybody else really hot? I am baking here.
Why are you fucking hitting your leader? Your wings are on fire! There're lasers all over the place! What's - It's the septic tank! It's gonna blow! Fuck it! Run! Aaah! What the heck just happened? Finally, somebody answers.
Dude, a UFO landed in Compound East.
We're investigating! Were you dumped into the panic room? No, but my stuffed giraffe and your bed sheets were.
Well, the security system must be working.
But the alarm is busted because of the aliens.
Eh- I'm sure there's a scientific and rational explanation.
- Did you call Pop? - Yeah, no answer.
- OK, don't panic.
- I won't.
OK Well I think I'm gonna.
Dean, don't hide in the closet.
I just need a few moments in here.
OK, then take the Uzi.
I'm gonna use this Kalashnikov.
Where'd you get that? I want an AK, too.
Boys, put the weapons back.
I want you both to stay here.
We need to protect you, mum.
From the Monarch.
He's gone all crazy.
He's probably dangerous.
- Or worse.
- Yeah, or worse.
Tim-Tom, Kevin The Monarch would never hurt me.
You just don't understand him.
He has a deep hate for Dr.
Why? Because the Monarch has passion.
He has more hate in his yellow glove than most villains have in their whole costume.
Well, why does he hate Dr.
Venture? Because he can't fake it.
He would rather jeopardize his whole career than arch somebody else.
That's why.
Because he's the real thing! No, mum.
What did Dr.
Venture do to the Monarch to make them enemies? Nothing worth destroying a career a marriage.
I know what I have to do.
You boys stay here! Why can't we get a straight answer? I just saw mum's clean panties.
When she was crouching? I tried not to look.
Were they - They were white panties, Kevin.
- White - Oooh, white.
I can't believe we didn't get blown up.
Dude, we're like those guys on TV that never get shot.
Hey, we're like main characters.
Don't jinx it.
You see anything? No, I can't see squat with these tinted goggles on.
Douche, use the night vision.
What's wrong with you? I can see everything.
This is so cool.
When did we get these? Like, 1994.
Why don't I know this stuff? Man, this is so rad.
It's like Blair Witch-o-vision.
Those kids eyes look all glowing.
- What kids? - Those two right over there.
What are you doing? Get them! Super run away! Take a look at that, Rusty.
Ah! You rebuilding G.
, you pathetic loser.
Wanna see if you can get it to suck again? Huh? Is that what you want? Huh? Well, hello.
Dude, what are you doing? I'm giving you my Earth germs.
I'm gonna kill you with my cold! - Die, alien! - I'm not an alien, dill-weed.
I'm a henchman.
You're not a Venture brother.
Who the hell are you? - I'm Hank's friend.
- Yeah, I doubt that.
Would you believe I'm Brock Samson's long lost son? If that were true I don't think I would have caught you so easily.
I couldn't run because I got a lighter up my ass.
OK, now I believe you're Hank's friend.
Here we go.
All hands, this is your Queen Butterfly! Man your stations! Engine room, prepare for flight! Navigators to their controls, double time! Hank! Hank, I'm gonna throw up! Can we stop for a second?! - Truce? - Truce, yes.
I'm dying! Alright.
What are the warning signs of a heart attack? Get out of my yard.
You guys aren't allowed within 500 feet of us! Well, you weren't supposed to be here! Well, we are.
You guys just blew up my backyard.
Aw, I'm gonna get blamed for that.
I'm gonna tell my Dad! OK, wait, wait! Don't call your Dad.
Just listen first, OK? OK, but it better be that you are gonna fix the lawn.
Alright, listen.
I'm about to lay some heavy on you.
Hank, you can't die.
You're, like, magic or something.
Are you funnin' me? I have personally seen you die twice.
Like shotgun to the face.
You can't be killed.
I shit you not.
You are an immortal.
- Like the Highlander? - Yes, like the Highlander.
Why are you telling me this? Because I have something for you.
Cool! Is that for me? Kinda.
I hate killing you, dude.
But it's all I could come up with.
It's OK, Mr.
Brock will be here soon and everything will be fine.
Hello? Hank? Hank, is that you? Did you find out what happened? Hank? What are you doing to her? Umm, giving your robot Chlamydia? When my Dad finds out about this you're gonna be in big trouble! Big trouble! Yes, good! Tell your father! That is the final step in your training.
What? Narc on me and your training will be complete! You will have become completely evil! Join me, Dean! Tell your Dad on me! No! I won't be like you! Never ever! Never ever! Yes, Dean.
Complete your final test and tattle on me.
Then, and only then will you be a super villain.
You can't make me! I'll never tell my Dad! I will never be evil like you! Oh, you have bested me this time, master Venture.
But next time I'll be ready! OK Bye.
Look, kid, I threw in the grapple cannon and the climbing claws.
What else do you want? 50 bucks.
I'm a henchman.
We don't carry cash.
Dude, we don't even really make cash.
Alright, fine.
I won't tell anybody about this then.
You have my word.
- What the hell is that thing? - My ride.
Yeah, a bribe.
That kid drove a hard bargain.
How did you handle Hank? Shot him in the chest with a dart gun.
Oh, a trank! I never thought of that.
Not a tranquilizer.
I used the rifle.
No way.
They shoot tranquilizers.
The- do? What- Why don't I know that? Why don't you people tell me anything? Enter stealth mode and take her home, boys! Aye, aye, my love! - What? - What? Hi honey, I'm home.
Give me the prize! I am the one! Now, it took a lot of work to get the Guild to agree to this.
And it's only on a trial basis.
OK, fine.
Can I open my eyes yet? Ahhh! Scary big brown took flying poo poo.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode