Hacks (2021) s04e10 Episode Script
Heaven
1
[CLEARS THROAT]
There's gotta be some creative way
to get out of this non-compete.
Ms. Vance, I'm honored you came to me,
but don't you have some white-shoe guys
that can handle this for you?
I've tried. I axed my attorneys.
I hired and fired six more firms.
I even tried Judge Judy,
who I don't even care for.
Oh, really? I like her.
None of them could
find a legal way for me
to perform for the next 18 months.
But I I think that you are
the man who could find a loophole.
I really wish I could, but the network's
got you locked up,
and they've threatened
damages if you violate it.
Then I'll pay.
Even if you were to cover
those astronomical costs,
no venue, big or small, would
ever even take that risk.
They'd be on the hook too.
[SIGHS] Look, Ms. Vance.
I don't mean to overstep,
but I remember reading
in a United Airlines in-flight magazine
that you were a contract hawk.
What happened?
You never imagine you'd walk
away from your dream job.
Well, I'm sorry. I can't help you.
But if you ever get
surgery and they leave
an instrument inside
of you, even a sponge,
you give me a call.
We can make a lot of money.
Thanks.
Yeah. And, uh, we don't validate.
It's the property, not me.
[JAMES BROWN'S "OUT OF SIGHT"]
Oh, make sure you close
that door behind you.
I don't wanna lose the cat.
He tends to, you know, run out.
It's out of sight ♪
It's all right ♪
♪
Got a thing for you, baby ♪
Where is the cat?
And it's gonna put you in the groove ♪
[SIGHS]
[PILLS RATTLING]
Okay, I got it.
I'll suck Bob Lipka's dick.
What?
To get him to let go of the non-compete.
I mean, my blow job's not great,
but how bad could it possibly be?
Okay, nobody wants a subpar blow job.
Also, please, I don't
need any more of my clients
doing stuff with him.
I just feel like it's my fault.
If it weren't for me, she'd
still have her dream job.
Sure, but if it wasn't for you,
she probably wouldn't have
gotten it in the first place.
I guess.
You guess right.
- [SIGHS]
- Look.
I know you feel guilty, but
this was her decision, okay?
I'm sure your feelings
around that are complicated,
and hers are, too, but
the best thing you can do
is to get her to start writing again.
Help take her mind off what happened.
You're right. You're right.
And if that doesn't work,
have you thought of a take
for Greta Gerwig's "Catcher in the Rye"?
Because she's taking meetings.
I thought Holden Caulfield
being a girl was the take.
No, the gender flip is the twist.
But what's the take?
You don't think I could give
one out-of-this-world blow job?
No.
Baby ♪
[SIGHS]
I'm tormented, tormented ♪
Honestly, you know what I think we do?
I think we spend the
next 18 months writing
so that when the non-compete expires,
we have a ton of new material
and we can hit the ground running.
I also had a thought.
Have you considered pitching a
reboot of "Who's Making Dinner"?
I don't own the rights.
- You don't?
- No.
Frank only put his name on the pilot,
which made him the creator.
I I didn't know it worked like that.
Well, we should be getting
back to our roots anyway.
A new hour, all about the crazy
last few years of your life.
No. I'm not I
I can't do a whole new
special and practice it
in front of a mirror with
a hairbrush microphone.
I need to be onstage,
workshopping it with crowds.
They tell me what works
and what doesn't work.
If I'm not on that stage, I
I have nothing.
It's only 18 months.
That's that's a long time for me.
You'll survive.
I think I'm gonna go back to Vegas.
Great.
I could use a recharge too.
Nothing like that 110-degree heat
to jolt you back to life
or lull you into a heat-induced coma.
I'm up for whatever, though.
I
I wanna be alone for a bit.
Oh, okay.
Sure.
Makes sense.
[SOFT SOUL MUSIC]
- I must be ♪
- You can be ♪
Going back home ♪
Oh, yeah ♪
My first guest is a very
special little cutie.
Please give a warm welcome
to AJ Vance Padalecki.
- [CLAPPING]
- [BABY GRUNTS]
My producers tell me
you recently rolled over.
What's next, crawling?
And how do you find time for yourself
in between drinking
milk and spitting it up?
Well, that's all the time we have.
[BABY WHIMPERS]
Hmm.
- [SIGHS]
- [BABY WHIMPERING]
[SOFT MUSIC]
[SIGHS]
♪
Excuse me, Foreman.
[LAUGHS] Okay. Who let
a diva on the floor?
[LAUGHS]
How are you?
Good.
They didn't deserve you.
Well, now they don't have
me, so that works out.
Wow.
Wanna show me around?
Yes, yes. Right this way.
We produce polycrystalline
silicon cells,
and then we sell them to the
solar panel manufacturers.
Ah.
The biggest hurdle was
getting a translator,
because we procure most
of the materials overseas.
But now that that's handled,
the immediate margins
are large and consistent.
That's interesting.
I want Deborah Vance Industries back.
What?
Deborah, that's a done deal.
They're not gonna reverse it.
I could approach them about
you being a brand ambassador,
but that wouldn't give you
much input on the business side.
Come on.
Don't you miss it too
the creativity, the conniving?
Is this what you really wanna be doing?
I've never even heard you
mention solar power before.
You don't even bring
up the sun very often.
Of course I miss conniving,
but this is profitable.
And that's my goal right now.
Yeah?
Sure.
I'm sorry.
I can't perform.
I don't even own my own name.
Did you wanna see the tubes?
No.
They're smaller than you think.
[EMMA LOUISE'S "WISH YOU WELL"]
♪
There she is ♪
Perfectly framed by the
woods she painted green ♪
[LAUGHTER, CHATTER ON TV]
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
And there she dreams ♪
Dreaming all the
dreams I used to dream ♪
Oh, whoa, oh, now, whoa, oh, oh ♪
Oh, but prove yourself ♪
No, you couldn't have
moved on this well ♪
♪
And lie to me ♪
Say there's still
someplace we can meet ♪
♪
But if not ♪
I wish you well ♪
Oh, I wish you well ♪
Oh, I wish you well,
oh, whoa, oh, now ♪
Oh, oh, ah, oh ♪
Oh, but prove yourself ♪
No, you couldn't have
moved on this well ♪
♪
Lie to me ♪
Say there's still someplace ♪
[COUGHING]
But if not ♪
I wish you well ♪
Oh, I wish you well ♪
Even though my heart is breaking ♪
Oh, even though my heart is breaking ♪
Oh, even though my heart breaks ♪
I wish you well ♪
Oh, ah, oh, whoa, ah, oh ♪
Whoa, ah, ah, oh ♪
Why do you have only one shoe on?
I was resting in between.
Marty's on the phone.
Take a message.
I tried, but he said
he needs to talk to you.
It's an emergency.
I'll take it. I'll take it.
Hey.
What's going on?
I just don't think I
can pull off velvet.
Again, this was not an emergency.
It's a fashion emergency.
You know, you might
wanna let that waistline
out a little bit.
I can tell he's sucking in his gut.
Okay. All right.
Hey, uh, Ully, can you
give us a couple of minutes?
- Yeah.
- Thank you, sir.
[LAUGHS]
What?
- How's Victoria?
- Ah.
Didn't realize you knew her real name.
You usually just call her "Oldie Hawn."
I looked her up.
She's very elegant.
Hmm.
So I had an idea.
You know how I'm part
owner of a hotel in Hawaii?
Why don't you go there for a bit?
Penthouse suite is available.
Take it as long as you want.
Just get the hell out of here.
On me.
No. No, I couldn't.
Why couldn't you?
You know I don't do vacations.
I can't stand sitting around
all day, doing nothing.
I just keep wishing I was working.
[CHUCKLES]
Remember in Santorini?
I turned that taverna into an open mic.
[LAUGHS] You did a half hour on feta.
[SCOFFS] It was 20 minutes.
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah. That's Deb.
I know you live to work.
It is one of my favorite
things about you.
But for the first time
in your life, you can't.
And so maybe it's worth
trying to enjoy doing nothing
because, well, there's quite
literally nothing you can do.
[GENTLE MUSIC]
♪
You know, we had fun in Greece, huh?
[SIGHS] Yeah, we did.
[SIGHS] So Hawaii.
What do you think, huh?
Humunukunuk Hawaii ♪
When the humuhumunukunuku ♪
- This is so exciting.
- I know.
The resort section of Deborah's closet
finally gets her day in the sun.
Some of those caftans had given up hope,
but I never stopped believing in them.
You know, the nice thing about vacation
is you can be
matchy-matchy, and it's okay.
Yeah.
I can't believe she's
gone for three weeks.
- I know.
- I'm finally gonna get my ulcer removed.
You haven't done that yet?
No, and don't tell her I have one.
Oh.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Ooh.
[SIGHS]
Mahalo, Josefina.
Hello.
Do I look like fun and
flirty vacation girl?
You look like Ace
Ventura, Pet Detective.
Both are sexually viable.
Let's rock.
I'm so excited for Hawaii!
I hear the poke is more than okay.
And you sound like him too.
[UPBEAT SOUL MUSIC]
Girl, you sure look fine ♪
[FIREWORKS EXPLODING]
[LAUGHING]
Okay. All right, girl.
Uh, girl, don't be
stingy with the Don Julio.
I paid good money for that.
I bought it.
[LAUGHTER]
You know, I'm glad they're
blowing up the Tropicana.
Shit, I got scabies there in '94.
- Somebody's gotta pay!
- Ooh.
Ooh, ooh, it's starting. It's starting.
Three, two, one.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
[FIREWORKS EXPLODING]
[CROWD CHEERING]
No, wait! I left my AirPods in there!
[LAUGHTER]
Damn.
- It's the end of an era.
- Mm.
- Yeah.
- I know. It's so sad.
It's like, Vegas used
to be so gritty and fun,
and now every hotel is owned
by some mega conglomerate.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
Corporate greed. Mm.
Mom, you crossed a picket
line to take a yoga class.
Baby I told you, it was non-refundable.
Mm. That's hard.
And like Wilson said, Vegas has changed.
I mean, there's no more boutique hotels.
There's chains everywhere.
It just feels sterile.
You know what I'm saying?
I mean, I miss Vegas being dirty.
So you gotta make dirty for yourself.
Last night, I fed a "Magic
Mike" dancer a Popsicle,
and I didn't use my hands.
- Ooh.
- Jesus Christ.
We ought to hang out more. I like that.
Oh, I I can teach
you a few things, baby.
Would you ladies like anything to drink?
- Oh. Mimosa.
- What pairs well with Xanax?
- Thank you.
- Oh, um, water?
Good looking out, doc. Thank you.
You want a little something
to take the edge off?
Uh, no, thanks. I'm fine.
Smart. Benzo use is highly
correlated with dementia,
but that's a tomorrow problem.
[SLURPS] Mm.
This place looks so sick.
We're gonna have so much fun.
We are gonna relax to the max.
Nothing to do but chill.
10:00, chill. 10:30, chill.
11:00, chill. Oh, I'm late.
I gotta go chill. I'm so excited.
Guided meditation.
They have unguided meditation.
They have semi-guided meditation.
Wonder what that's about.
Shit, they have a
sensory deprivation tank.
Have you done that? It is so sick.
You are completely in the dark.
You can't see. You can't hear.
The water is your body temperature,
so you are just, like, totally
alone with your thoughts,
completely unaware
of your physical body,
just mind, mind, mind.
It's, like, complete solitude.
I think they have it for, like, an hour.
Some people do, like, three hours.
I'd be kind of into that.
It feels psychedelic.
I feel like that could be crazy.
The "honk-shoos" are hitting
me, so I am gonna set sail.
But I will see you in Kauai, my guy.
Good night.
Good night.
[INTERCOM BELL DINGS]
[SNORTS]
We're here! ♪
That was fast.
- Uh-huh.
- What?
[SIGHS]
Spooky dream.
Had a really spooky dream.
Ooh. Okay.
But I was naked, covering
myself with pillows
from my childhood bedroom.
And I had a collegiate level math test
that I hadn't studied for.
But then the dream turned lucid,
and I grabbed a witch's broom
and was just kind of soaring.
- Mm-hmm.
- It was really awesome.
Deborah Vance?
[SPEAKING MALAY]
Um, I think it's pronounced "aloha."
Right this way.
Thank you.
We're supposed to get a lei, right?
Supposed to give you one? A lei.
I don't know. I'll find it later.
I'm not worried about it.
[SOFT STRING MUSIC]
Oh!
What?
Holy shit!
♪
I did not know about this.
Is this new?
Deborah!
[PA SYSTEM CHIMES]
[SPEAKING MANDARIN]
Welcome to Changi Airport.
Um, Deb Deborah?
Deborah.
Um, I don't wanna put
anybody's job at risk,
but I think the pilot fucked up.
We are not in Hawaii.
No, we're not.
We're in Singapore.
- Singapore?
- Yes.
The one in Asia?
That's the one.
What happened to Hawaii?
Oh, we went. You missed
it. We stopped to refuel.
I wanted to tell you, but you
were out cold for 18 hours.
I don't think that was a Xanax.
I think you took a horse tranq.
Why are we in Singapore?
I'll show you.
Please tell me this
isn't for a tax reason.
I'll get you a lei, okay?
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
Will you please tell me where we are?
I really don't like surprises.
I have, like, four period tracking apps.
[CHUCKLES]
Here we are, the Resorts
World Sentosa Casino.
God, I love the smell
of air-conditioning.
[SCOFFS] What happened to Hawaii?
I was gonna take an
ethical hula dancing class
and drop in on a coastal cleanup.
Oh, screw Hawaii.
I made some calls on the
plane, and I negotiated myself
a limited run in the theater here
- in the casino.
- Wait, wait, wait.
But you can't you can't perform.
That's the thing.
I won't be performing, per se.
I found a loophole in the contract.
There's always a loophole.
If I'm performing through a translator,
I'm technically not performing.
The translator is.
So we need to write
material for Singaporeans?
No, no, no, no.
It's mostly tourists here.
So we have to come up with
material for people visiting
the casino and then
translate that material
into Chinese, Malay, and Tamil.
Chinese, Malay, and Tamil.
Chinese, Malay, and Tamil.
This is insane.
Why don't you just perform in America
and have it translated
to another language?
No, no theater in America or even Europe
is gonna take the legal risk. No.
In Singapore, they're not afraid.
This is the greatest municipal
city-state in the world.
Wait. Where are we staying?
Here, in the casino.
No! Not again!
Come on. It'll be fantastic.
Please?
Well, I have been wanting
you to write material again,
so yeah, let's do it.
Yeah! That's the spirit.
Okay, let's check in and get to work.
Tomorrow night's our first show.
- Tomorrow night?
- Yeah.
I kicked some old guy
out of his residency.
- Come on.
- Uh!
[LAUGHTER]
[FUNKY MUSIC]
[LAUGHTER]
Thank you. Thank you.
You know, I just learned
that the United States
is 15,000 times bigger than Singapore,
and that's just our waistlines.
[SPEAKING MANDARIN]
[LAUGHTER]
[FAYE WONG'S "DREAM LOVER"]
♪
Not bad.
Not bad?
This is heaven. Cheers.
That's my kind of shade.
It's just the color of
my skin, so I'm solid.
[LAUGHS]
♪
Yeah, two glasses of champagne, please.
Glasses? Two bottles!
Okay. Thank you.
Thank you.
[SINGING IN CANTONESE]
- Whoo!
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Oh!
- [LAUGHS]
He's like, Deborah
Vance, I'm a huge fan.
[LAUGHTER]
Another thing I found out
is, you guys love caviar.
You've got a Rolex
store on every corner.
You should be called "Singa-rich."
[SPEAKING MANDARIN]
"Singa-rich."
Okay, I don't speak Mandarin,
but I know you butchered that joke.
Me?
Tell them you butchered
the joke, not me.
[SPEAKING MANDARIN]
[LAUGHTER]
All right. There we go. There we go.
[APPLAUSE]
[SINGING IN CANTONESE]
[BOTH SINGING IN CANTONESE]
♪
You know, maybe we should
work on a new opener.
Not now, honey.
[VOCALIZING]
You know, I like watching
an adult film backwards,
because then it's about being
rewarded for sex, with a pizza.
[SPEAKING MANDARIN]
- Pizza!
- [LAUGHTER]
Thank you. Thank you.
[SINGING IN CANTONESE]
[LAUGHTER]
Whoo! Whoo!
Deborah! Deborah!
What? Hi.
[LAUGHTER]
♪
Oh, my God. That is so
good. Have I had four?
Oh, my God. I've had four.
[LAUGHS]
Don't tell. Don't tell.
So next time, but I just think
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Wonder who that could be.
[SINGING IN CANTONESE]
Surprise!
Karaoke time!
[LAUGHTER, CHEERS]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[SINGING IN CANTONESE]
Player bank. Player bank.
Player has 6 and 7s.
And banker has 5.
Third card for banker.
♪
[VOCALIZING]
♪
[LAUGHTER]
[SPEAKING MANDARIN]
[LAUGHTER]
[AUDIENCE MURMURING]
[SNORING]
[WHISPERING] Deborah?
- [MOUTHING WORDS]
- Deborah?
[LAUGHTER]
♪
[SNORING]
Don't let me finish all
this caviar by myself.
It's all yours. You know what?
Let me get you another
glass of champagne.
Okay. Or, you know, anything.
- Surprise me.
- Okay. All right.
Hey.
Hi.
So, um, what do you think?
Maybe tomorrow, we'll
get some breakfast,
and we can flesh out that material
about Americans traveling abroad?
Oh, I can't.
I've gotta call bingo
at a private brunch.
Can you cancel it?
Oh, no. I couldn't. No.
Zhang Xiu Ying would be very upset.
You know how she gets.
Who's Zhang Xiu Ying?
You met her.
Her daughter goes to Oxford.
She took us to the Tory Burch event.
I don't I don't remember.
That's where I got these.
Doesn't ring a bell.
Okay, I'll get you a bingo card in case
you wanna meet her again.
The prize is a Piaget watch.
I'm good.
Yeah.
Deborah, we haven't worked
on new material in months.
The whole point of quitting the show
was to get back to what we love.
I am doing what I love.
I'm drinking champagne.
You're doing all old material.
Aren't you getting bored?
Mm, nope.
Last night, you fell asleep onstage.
I did not fall asleep. [SCOFFS]
I was resting my eyes.
Wengyao did 20 minutes.
They had to cut your mic
because you were snoring.
I don't snore.
Babe, you snored.
[HUFFS]
[SIGHS]
Okay, I think we should go home.
Why?
Because it's beautiful here,
but it is not real life.
I'm not happy here, and I
don't think you are, either.
I-I'm I'm having a ball.
It's really not healthy.
You're drinking way too much.
I'm worried about you.
You're worried about me?
Yeah.
I'm sorry, but you're
not acting like yourself.
And I feel like you've given up.
Given up?
Given up?
I-I took a late-night
show to number one.
And, you know, regardless of
your judgment of my material,
I perform every night.
What do you do while you're here,
except follow me around with
your empty little notebook
and your big shorts?
If you're so unhappy,
why don't you just leave?
[SCOFFS] Okay.
Actually, why are you still here?
You brought me here.
And honestly, I didn't
wanna leave you alone.
I didn't ask you to stay.
[SCOFFS]
I mean, you're in your 20s.
All you've ever done is work for me.
I have an amazing life.
I've done everything.
What have you done, and
why aren't you doing it now?
[SOMBER MUSIC]
You're just drunk, and you're
trying to hurt my feelings.
I've had four drinks. I'm sober.
I'm just telling you the truth.
You're 29 years old,
and I'm your only friend.
Isn't that weird?
It's weird.
You need friends.
And a boyfriend, or a girlfriend,
or, you know, a they-friend,
whatever the hell it is
that you want, instead of
just sitting here, scolding me.
♪
Wow.
Okay. Yeah.
You're right.
I don't know what I'm still doing here.
I'm gonna head home tomorrow morning.
I think that's the healthy choice.
[SIGHS]
♪
Have a safe flight.
♪
Yeah.
♪
[ALARM RINGING]
[GROANS]
[PHONE BUZZING]
Hello.
- What happened to Deborah?
- What do you mean?
When was the last time you saw her?
What are you talking about?
TMZ is reporting she's dead.
[TENSE MUSIC]
- What?
- It's all over the place.
I I gotta call you back.
♪
[LINE TRILLS]
The mailbox is full and cannot accept
any messages at this time. Goodbye.
[LINE BEEPS]
[BIG BROTHER AND THE HOLDING
COMPANY'S "SUMMERTIME"]
♪
[DOOR LOCK BEEPING]
Come on!
[PANTING]
Oh!
♪
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, don't you cry ♪
♪
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
[PANTING]
What?
Oh, my God. God.
God. Jeez.
It's too early for that.
I've got a headache.
I thought you were dead.
What?
- What are you talking about?
- TMZ.
They published your obituary.
Oh, my God!
- How does that even happen?
- [SIGHS]
They do advance obits of famous people,
and sometimes they get
leaked or misprinted.
Happened to Abe Vigoda more than once.
[SIGHS] Jeez.
Son of a bitch! Did you read this?
I didn't get the chance.
"Legendary comedian Deborah Vance,
known for her sardonic
wit, is dead at 72.
Vance's last few years have
been marked by extremes:
the high of becoming the
first female late-night host
and the low of abruptly
quitting the show on air,
which led to the demise
of the entire franchise."
They're saying I killed late night.
This is the lede to my fucking obituary?
Cunts!
Oh, my God.
They used the R word.
What?
- "Retired."
- Oh.
They're saying I quit performing
and I retired to Singapore.
God.
Motherfuckers!
[PANTING]
What are you doing?
I'm packing!
Get your shit. We're going home.
I'm packed; I was
already leaving, remember?
That is not how I am
gonna be remembered.
That will not be my legacy.
I'm no quitter.
[DON FARDON'S "I'M ALIVE"]
We have some rewriting to do.
I'm alive ♪
And I'm seein' things
mighty clear today ♪
I'm alive ♪
♪
I'm alive ♪
And I'm sitting here
yellin' and doin' my thing ♪
I'm alive ♪
♪
And I'm real ♪
I can breathe and
touch and sing and feel ♪
I'm alive ♪
Can you hear me, oh ♪
I'm a man ♪
Who don't care if
my hair's a bit long ♪
I'm a man ♪
♪
- Ah, ah ♪
- Ah, ah ♪
- Ah, ah ♪
- Ah, ah ♪
- Ah, ah ♪
- Ah, ah ♪
- Ah, ah ♪
- Ah, ah ♪
- Baby, baby ♪
- Baby, baby ♪
- Baby, baby ♪
- Baby, baby ♪
- Yeah, yeah ♪
- Yeah, yeah ♪
I'm a man ♪
And I'm red and I'm yellow
I'm black and I'm tan ♪
I'm a man ♪
♪
I'm alive ♪
And sitting here yellin'
and doin' my thing ♪
I'm alive ♪
Can you hear me, oh ♪
♪
And I'm real ♪
[CLEARS THROAT]
There's gotta be some creative way
to get out of this non-compete.
Ms. Vance, I'm honored you came to me,
but don't you have some white-shoe guys
that can handle this for you?
I've tried. I axed my attorneys.
I hired and fired six more firms.
I even tried Judge Judy,
who I don't even care for.
Oh, really? I like her.
None of them could
find a legal way for me
to perform for the next 18 months.
But I I think that you are
the man who could find a loophole.
I really wish I could, but the network's
got you locked up,
and they've threatened
damages if you violate it.
Then I'll pay.
Even if you were to cover
those astronomical costs,
no venue, big or small, would
ever even take that risk.
They'd be on the hook too.
[SIGHS] Look, Ms. Vance.
I don't mean to overstep,
but I remember reading
in a United Airlines in-flight magazine
that you were a contract hawk.
What happened?
You never imagine you'd walk
away from your dream job.
Well, I'm sorry. I can't help you.
But if you ever get
surgery and they leave
an instrument inside
of you, even a sponge,
you give me a call.
We can make a lot of money.
Thanks.
Yeah. And, uh, we don't validate.
It's the property, not me.
[JAMES BROWN'S "OUT OF SIGHT"]
Oh, make sure you close
that door behind you.
I don't wanna lose the cat.
He tends to, you know, run out.
It's out of sight ♪
It's all right ♪
♪
Got a thing for you, baby ♪
Where is the cat?
And it's gonna put you in the groove ♪
[SIGHS]
[PILLS RATTLING]
Okay, I got it.
I'll suck Bob Lipka's dick.
What?
To get him to let go of the non-compete.
I mean, my blow job's not great,
but how bad could it possibly be?
Okay, nobody wants a subpar blow job.
Also, please, I don't
need any more of my clients
doing stuff with him.
I just feel like it's my fault.
If it weren't for me, she'd
still have her dream job.
Sure, but if it wasn't for you,
she probably wouldn't have
gotten it in the first place.
I guess.
You guess right.
- [SIGHS]
- Look.
I know you feel guilty, but
this was her decision, okay?
I'm sure your feelings
around that are complicated,
and hers are, too, but
the best thing you can do
is to get her to start writing again.
Help take her mind off what happened.
You're right. You're right.
And if that doesn't work,
have you thought of a take
for Greta Gerwig's "Catcher in the Rye"?
Because she's taking meetings.
I thought Holden Caulfield
being a girl was the take.
No, the gender flip is the twist.
But what's the take?
You don't think I could give
one out-of-this-world blow job?
No.
Baby ♪
[SIGHS]
I'm tormented, tormented ♪
Honestly, you know what I think we do?
I think we spend the
next 18 months writing
so that when the non-compete expires,
we have a ton of new material
and we can hit the ground running.
I also had a thought.
Have you considered pitching a
reboot of "Who's Making Dinner"?
I don't own the rights.
- You don't?
- No.
Frank only put his name on the pilot,
which made him the creator.
I I didn't know it worked like that.
Well, we should be getting
back to our roots anyway.
A new hour, all about the crazy
last few years of your life.
No. I'm not I
I can't do a whole new
special and practice it
in front of a mirror with
a hairbrush microphone.
I need to be onstage,
workshopping it with crowds.
They tell me what works
and what doesn't work.
If I'm not on that stage, I
I have nothing.
It's only 18 months.
That's that's a long time for me.
You'll survive.
I think I'm gonna go back to Vegas.
Great.
I could use a recharge too.
Nothing like that 110-degree heat
to jolt you back to life
or lull you into a heat-induced coma.
I'm up for whatever, though.
I
I wanna be alone for a bit.
Oh, okay.
Sure.
Makes sense.
[SOFT SOUL MUSIC]
- I must be ♪
- You can be ♪
Going back home ♪
Oh, yeah ♪
My first guest is a very
special little cutie.
Please give a warm welcome
to AJ Vance Padalecki.
- [CLAPPING]
- [BABY GRUNTS]
My producers tell me
you recently rolled over.
What's next, crawling?
And how do you find time for yourself
in between drinking
milk and spitting it up?
Well, that's all the time we have.
[BABY WHIMPERS]
Hmm.
- [SIGHS]
- [BABY WHIMPERING]
[SOFT MUSIC]
[SIGHS]
♪
Excuse me, Foreman.
[LAUGHS] Okay. Who let
a diva on the floor?
[LAUGHS]
How are you?
Good.
They didn't deserve you.
Well, now they don't have
me, so that works out.
Wow.
Wanna show me around?
Yes, yes. Right this way.
We produce polycrystalline
silicon cells,
and then we sell them to the
solar panel manufacturers.
Ah.
The biggest hurdle was
getting a translator,
because we procure most
of the materials overseas.
But now that that's handled,
the immediate margins
are large and consistent.
That's interesting.
I want Deborah Vance Industries back.
What?
Deborah, that's a done deal.
They're not gonna reverse it.
I could approach them about
you being a brand ambassador,
but that wouldn't give you
much input on the business side.
Come on.
Don't you miss it too
the creativity, the conniving?
Is this what you really wanna be doing?
I've never even heard you
mention solar power before.
You don't even bring
up the sun very often.
Of course I miss conniving,
but this is profitable.
And that's my goal right now.
Yeah?
Sure.
I'm sorry.
I can't perform.
I don't even own my own name.
Did you wanna see the tubes?
No.
They're smaller than you think.
[EMMA LOUISE'S "WISH YOU WELL"]
♪
There she is ♪
Perfectly framed by the
woods she painted green ♪
[LAUGHTER, CHATTER ON TV]
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
And there she dreams ♪
Dreaming all the
dreams I used to dream ♪
Oh, whoa, oh, now, whoa, oh, oh ♪
Oh, but prove yourself ♪
No, you couldn't have
moved on this well ♪
♪
And lie to me ♪
Say there's still
someplace we can meet ♪
♪
But if not ♪
I wish you well ♪
Oh, I wish you well ♪
Oh, I wish you well,
oh, whoa, oh, now ♪
Oh, oh, ah, oh ♪
Oh, but prove yourself ♪
No, you couldn't have
moved on this well ♪
♪
Lie to me ♪
Say there's still someplace ♪
[COUGHING]
But if not ♪
I wish you well ♪
Oh, I wish you well ♪
Even though my heart is breaking ♪
Oh, even though my heart is breaking ♪
Oh, even though my heart breaks ♪
I wish you well ♪
Oh, ah, oh, whoa, ah, oh ♪
Whoa, ah, ah, oh ♪
Why do you have only one shoe on?
I was resting in between.
Marty's on the phone.
Take a message.
I tried, but he said
he needs to talk to you.
It's an emergency.
I'll take it. I'll take it.
Hey.
What's going on?
I just don't think I
can pull off velvet.
Again, this was not an emergency.
It's a fashion emergency.
You know, you might
wanna let that waistline
out a little bit.
I can tell he's sucking in his gut.
Okay. All right.
Hey, uh, Ully, can you
give us a couple of minutes?
- Yeah.
- Thank you, sir.
[LAUGHS]
What?
- How's Victoria?
- Ah.
Didn't realize you knew her real name.
You usually just call her "Oldie Hawn."
I looked her up.
She's very elegant.
Hmm.
So I had an idea.
You know how I'm part
owner of a hotel in Hawaii?
Why don't you go there for a bit?
Penthouse suite is available.
Take it as long as you want.
Just get the hell out of here.
On me.
No. No, I couldn't.
Why couldn't you?
You know I don't do vacations.
I can't stand sitting around
all day, doing nothing.
I just keep wishing I was working.
[CHUCKLES]
Remember in Santorini?
I turned that taverna into an open mic.
[LAUGHS] You did a half hour on feta.
[SCOFFS] It was 20 minutes.
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah. That's Deb.
I know you live to work.
It is one of my favorite
things about you.
But for the first time
in your life, you can't.
And so maybe it's worth
trying to enjoy doing nothing
because, well, there's quite
literally nothing you can do.
[GENTLE MUSIC]
♪
You know, we had fun in Greece, huh?
[SIGHS] Yeah, we did.
[SIGHS] So Hawaii.
What do you think, huh?
Humunukunuk Hawaii ♪
When the humuhumunukunuku ♪
- This is so exciting.
- I know.
The resort section of Deborah's closet
finally gets her day in the sun.
Some of those caftans had given up hope,
but I never stopped believing in them.
You know, the nice thing about vacation
is you can be
matchy-matchy, and it's okay.
Yeah.
I can't believe she's
gone for three weeks.
- I know.
- I'm finally gonna get my ulcer removed.
You haven't done that yet?
No, and don't tell her I have one.
Oh.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Ooh.
[SIGHS]
Mahalo, Josefina.
Hello.
Do I look like fun and
flirty vacation girl?
You look like Ace
Ventura, Pet Detective.
Both are sexually viable.
Let's rock.
I'm so excited for Hawaii!
I hear the poke is more than okay.
And you sound like him too.
[UPBEAT SOUL MUSIC]
Girl, you sure look fine ♪
[FIREWORKS EXPLODING]
[LAUGHING]
Okay. All right, girl.
Uh, girl, don't be
stingy with the Don Julio.
I paid good money for that.
I bought it.
[LAUGHTER]
You know, I'm glad they're
blowing up the Tropicana.
Shit, I got scabies there in '94.
- Somebody's gotta pay!
- Ooh.
Ooh, ooh, it's starting. It's starting.
Three, two, one.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
[FIREWORKS EXPLODING]
[CROWD CHEERING]
No, wait! I left my AirPods in there!
[LAUGHTER]
Damn.
- It's the end of an era.
- Mm.
- Yeah.
- I know. It's so sad.
It's like, Vegas used
to be so gritty and fun,
and now every hotel is owned
by some mega conglomerate.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
Corporate greed. Mm.
Mom, you crossed a picket
line to take a yoga class.
Baby I told you, it was non-refundable.
Mm. That's hard.
And like Wilson said, Vegas has changed.
I mean, there's no more boutique hotels.
There's chains everywhere.
It just feels sterile.
You know what I'm saying?
I mean, I miss Vegas being dirty.
So you gotta make dirty for yourself.
Last night, I fed a "Magic
Mike" dancer a Popsicle,
and I didn't use my hands.
- Ooh.
- Jesus Christ.
We ought to hang out more. I like that.
Oh, I I can teach
you a few things, baby.
Would you ladies like anything to drink?
- Oh. Mimosa.
- What pairs well with Xanax?
- Thank you.
- Oh, um, water?
Good looking out, doc. Thank you.
You want a little something
to take the edge off?
Uh, no, thanks. I'm fine.
Smart. Benzo use is highly
correlated with dementia,
but that's a tomorrow problem.
[SLURPS] Mm.
This place looks so sick.
We're gonna have so much fun.
We are gonna relax to the max.
Nothing to do but chill.
10:00, chill. 10:30, chill.
11:00, chill. Oh, I'm late.
I gotta go chill. I'm so excited.
Guided meditation.
They have unguided meditation.
They have semi-guided meditation.
Wonder what that's about.
Shit, they have a
sensory deprivation tank.
Have you done that? It is so sick.
You are completely in the dark.
You can't see. You can't hear.
The water is your body temperature,
so you are just, like, totally
alone with your thoughts,
completely unaware
of your physical body,
just mind, mind, mind.
It's, like, complete solitude.
I think they have it for, like, an hour.
Some people do, like, three hours.
I'd be kind of into that.
It feels psychedelic.
I feel like that could be crazy.
The "honk-shoos" are hitting
me, so I am gonna set sail.
But I will see you in Kauai, my guy.
Good night.
Good night.
[INTERCOM BELL DINGS]
[SNORTS]
We're here! ♪
That was fast.
- Uh-huh.
- What?
[SIGHS]
Spooky dream.
Had a really spooky dream.
Ooh. Okay.
But I was naked, covering
myself with pillows
from my childhood bedroom.
And I had a collegiate level math test
that I hadn't studied for.
But then the dream turned lucid,
and I grabbed a witch's broom
and was just kind of soaring.
- Mm-hmm.
- It was really awesome.
Deborah Vance?
[SPEAKING MALAY]
Um, I think it's pronounced "aloha."
Right this way.
Thank you.
We're supposed to get a lei, right?
Supposed to give you one? A lei.
I don't know. I'll find it later.
I'm not worried about it.
[SOFT STRING MUSIC]
Oh!
What?
Holy shit!
♪
I did not know about this.
Is this new?
Deborah!
[PA SYSTEM CHIMES]
[SPEAKING MANDARIN]
Welcome to Changi Airport.
Um, Deb Deborah?
Deborah.
Um, I don't wanna put
anybody's job at risk,
but I think the pilot fucked up.
We are not in Hawaii.
No, we're not.
We're in Singapore.
- Singapore?
- Yes.
The one in Asia?
That's the one.
What happened to Hawaii?
Oh, we went. You missed
it. We stopped to refuel.
I wanted to tell you, but you
were out cold for 18 hours.
I don't think that was a Xanax.
I think you took a horse tranq.
Why are we in Singapore?
I'll show you.
Please tell me this
isn't for a tax reason.
I'll get you a lei, okay?
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
Will you please tell me where we are?
I really don't like surprises.
I have, like, four period tracking apps.
[CHUCKLES]
Here we are, the Resorts
World Sentosa Casino.
God, I love the smell
of air-conditioning.
[SCOFFS] What happened to Hawaii?
I was gonna take an
ethical hula dancing class
and drop in on a coastal cleanup.
Oh, screw Hawaii.
I made some calls on the
plane, and I negotiated myself
a limited run in the theater here
- in the casino.
- Wait, wait, wait.
But you can't you can't perform.
That's the thing.
I won't be performing, per se.
I found a loophole in the contract.
There's always a loophole.
If I'm performing through a translator,
I'm technically not performing.
The translator is.
So we need to write
material for Singaporeans?
No, no, no, no.
It's mostly tourists here.
So we have to come up with
material for people visiting
the casino and then
translate that material
into Chinese, Malay, and Tamil.
Chinese, Malay, and Tamil.
Chinese, Malay, and Tamil.
This is insane.
Why don't you just perform in America
and have it translated
to another language?
No, no theater in America or even Europe
is gonna take the legal risk. No.
In Singapore, they're not afraid.
This is the greatest municipal
city-state in the world.
Wait. Where are we staying?
Here, in the casino.
No! Not again!
Come on. It'll be fantastic.
Please?
Well, I have been wanting
you to write material again,
so yeah, let's do it.
Yeah! That's the spirit.
Okay, let's check in and get to work.
Tomorrow night's our first show.
- Tomorrow night?
- Yeah.
I kicked some old guy
out of his residency.
- Come on.
- Uh!
[LAUGHTER]
[FUNKY MUSIC]
[LAUGHTER]
Thank you. Thank you.
You know, I just learned
that the United States
is 15,000 times bigger than Singapore,
and that's just our waistlines.
[SPEAKING MANDARIN]
[LAUGHTER]
[FAYE WONG'S "DREAM LOVER"]
♪
Not bad.
Not bad?
This is heaven. Cheers.
That's my kind of shade.
It's just the color of
my skin, so I'm solid.
[LAUGHS]
♪
Yeah, two glasses of champagne, please.
Glasses? Two bottles!
Okay. Thank you.
Thank you.
[SINGING IN CANTONESE]
- Whoo!
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Oh!
- [LAUGHS]
He's like, Deborah
Vance, I'm a huge fan.
[LAUGHTER]
Another thing I found out
is, you guys love caviar.
You've got a Rolex
store on every corner.
You should be called "Singa-rich."
[SPEAKING MANDARIN]
"Singa-rich."
Okay, I don't speak Mandarin,
but I know you butchered that joke.
Me?
Tell them you butchered
the joke, not me.
[SPEAKING MANDARIN]
[LAUGHTER]
All right. There we go. There we go.
[APPLAUSE]
[SINGING IN CANTONESE]
[BOTH SINGING IN CANTONESE]
♪
You know, maybe we should
work on a new opener.
Not now, honey.
[VOCALIZING]
You know, I like watching
an adult film backwards,
because then it's about being
rewarded for sex, with a pizza.
[SPEAKING MANDARIN]
- Pizza!
- [LAUGHTER]
Thank you. Thank you.
[SINGING IN CANTONESE]
[LAUGHTER]
Whoo! Whoo!
Deborah! Deborah!
What? Hi.
[LAUGHTER]
♪
Oh, my God. That is so
good. Have I had four?
Oh, my God. I've had four.
[LAUGHS]
Don't tell. Don't tell.
So next time, but I just think
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Wonder who that could be.
[SINGING IN CANTONESE]
Surprise!
Karaoke time!
[LAUGHTER, CHEERS]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[SINGING IN CANTONESE]
Player bank. Player bank.
Player has 6 and 7s.
And banker has 5.
Third card for banker.
♪
[VOCALIZING]
♪
[LAUGHTER]
[SPEAKING MANDARIN]
[LAUGHTER]
[AUDIENCE MURMURING]
[SNORING]
[WHISPERING] Deborah?
- [MOUTHING WORDS]
- Deborah?
[LAUGHTER]
♪
[SNORING]
Don't let me finish all
this caviar by myself.
It's all yours. You know what?
Let me get you another
glass of champagne.
Okay. Or, you know, anything.
- Surprise me.
- Okay. All right.
Hey.
Hi.
So, um, what do you think?
Maybe tomorrow, we'll
get some breakfast,
and we can flesh out that material
about Americans traveling abroad?
Oh, I can't.
I've gotta call bingo
at a private brunch.
Can you cancel it?
Oh, no. I couldn't. No.
Zhang Xiu Ying would be very upset.
You know how she gets.
Who's Zhang Xiu Ying?
You met her.
Her daughter goes to Oxford.
She took us to the Tory Burch event.
I don't I don't remember.
That's where I got these.
Doesn't ring a bell.
Okay, I'll get you a bingo card in case
you wanna meet her again.
The prize is a Piaget watch.
I'm good.
Yeah.
Deborah, we haven't worked
on new material in months.
The whole point of quitting the show
was to get back to what we love.
I am doing what I love.
I'm drinking champagne.
You're doing all old material.
Aren't you getting bored?
Mm, nope.
Last night, you fell asleep onstage.
I did not fall asleep. [SCOFFS]
I was resting my eyes.
Wengyao did 20 minutes.
They had to cut your mic
because you were snoring.
I don't snore.
Babe, you snored.
[HUFFS]
[SIGHS]
Okay, I think we should go home.
Why?
Because it's beautiful here,
but it is not real life.
I'm not happy here, and I
don't think you are, either.
I-I'm I'm having a ball.
It's really not healthy.
You're drinking way too much.
I'm worried about you.
You're worried about me?
Yeah.
I'm sorry, but you're
not acting like yourself.
And I feel like you've given up.
Given up?
Given up?
I-I took a late-night
show to number one.
And, you know, regardless of
your judgment of my material,
I perform every night.
What do you do while you're here,
except follow me around with
your empty little notebook
and your big shorts?
If you're so unhappy,
why don't you just leave?
[SCOFFS] Okay.
Actually, why are you still here?
You brought me here.
And honestly, I didn't
wanna leave you alone.
I didn't ask you to stay.
[SCOFFS]
I mean, you're in your 20s.
All you've ever done is work for me.
I have an amazing life.
I've done everything.
What have you done, and
why aren't you doing it now?
[SOMBER MUSIC]
You're just drunk, and you're
trying to hurt my feelings.
I've had four drinks. I'm sober.
I'm just telling you the truth.
You're 29 years old,
and I'm your only friend.
Isn't that weird?
It's weird.
You need friends.
And a boyfriend, or a girlfriend,
or, you know, a they-friend,
whatever the hell it is
that you want, instead of
just sitting here, scolding me.
♪
Wow.
Okay. Yeah.
You're right.
I don't know what I'm still doing here.
I'm gonna head home tomorrow morning.
I think that's the healthy choice.
[SIGHS]
♪
Have a safe flight.
♪
Yeah.
♪
[ALARM RINGING]
[GROANS]
[PHONE BUZZING]
Hello.
- What happened to Deborah?
- What do you mean?
When was the last time you saw her?
What are you talking about?
TMZ is reporting she's dead.
[TENSE MUSIC]
- What?
- It's all over the place.
I I gotta call you back.
♪
[LINE TRILLS]
The mailbox is full and cannot accept
any messages at this time. Goodbye.
[LINE BEEPS]
[BIG BROTHER AND THE HOLDING
COMPANY'S "SUMMERTIME"]
♪
[DOOR LOCK BEEPING]
Come on!
[PANTING]
Oh!
♪
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, don't you cry ♪
♪
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
[PANTING]
What?
Oh, my God. God.
God. Jeez.
It's too early for that.
I've got a headache.
I thought you were dead.
What?
- What are you talking about?
- TMZ.
They published your obituary.
Oh, my God!
- How does that even happen?
- [SIGHS]
They do advance obits of famous people,
and sometimes they get
leaked or misprinted.
Happened to Abe Vigoda more than once.
[SIGHS] Jeez.
Son of a bitch! Did you read this?
I didn't get the chance.
"Legendary comedian Deborah Vance,
known for her sardonic
wit, is dead at 72.
Vance's last few years have
been marked by extremes:
the high of becoming the
first female late-night host
and the low of abruptly
quitting the show on air,
which led to the demise
of the entire franchise."
They're saying I killed late night.
This is the lede to my fucking obituary?
Cunts!
Oh, my God.
They used the R word.
What?
- "Retired."
- Oh.
They're saying I quit performing
and I retired to Singapore.
God.
Motherfuckers!
[PANTING]
What are you doing?
I'm packing!
Get your shit. We're going home.
I'm packed; I was
already leaving, remember?
That is not how I am
gonna be remembered.
That will not be my legacy.
I'm no quitter.
[DON FARDON'S "I'M ALIVE"]
We have some rewriting to do.
I'm alive ♪
And I'm seein' things
mighty clear today ♪
I'm alive ♪
♪
I'm alive ♪
And I'm sitting here
yellin' and doin' my thing ♪
I'm alive ♪
♪
And I'm real ♪
I can breathe and
touch and sing and feel ♪
I'm alive ♪
Can you hear me, oh ♪
I'm a man ♪
Who don't care if
my hair's a bit long ♪
I'm a man ♪
♪
- Ah, ah ♪
- Ah, ah ♪
- Ah, ah ♪
- Ah, ah ♪
- Ah, ah ♪
- Ah, ah ♪
- Ah, ah ♪
- Ah, ah ♪
- Baby, baby ♪
- Baby, baby ♪
- Baby, baby ♪
- Baby, baby ♪
- Yeah, yeah ♪
- Yeah, yeah ♪
I'm a man ♪
And I'm red and I'm yellow
I'm black and I'm tan ♪
I'm a man ♪
♪
I'm alive ♪
And sitting here yellin'
and doin' my thing ♪
I'm alive ♪
Can you hear me, oh ♪
♪
And I'm real ♪