Clarkson's Farm (2021) s05e01 Episode Script

1
["What Is Life" by George Harrison]
What I feel ♪
I can't say ♪
But my love is there for you
anytime of day ♪
But if it's not love ♪
That you need ♪
Then I'll try my best
to make everything succeed ♪
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
Tell me,
what is my life without your love? ♪
And tell me who am I without you? ♪
[Nick] Have all the numbers arrived yet?
Yeah, Bee Juice Honey.
[Jeremy] Welcome
back to Clarkson's Farm,
where everything is as we left it.
[ambulance siren]
Nearly.
[siren continues]
It's gonna stay there
for a couple of hours.
- [Jeremy] Which one?
- This one.
Erm, so
yeah, in a couple of hours,
we'll take it off.
[tense music]
[Jeremy] A few weeks earlier,
I'd tried to open my pub
while simultaneously doing the harvest.
Power cut, fans are dead, no gas.
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
Fucking piece of
[Jeremy] And it had all been
a bit too stressful.
- [Jeremy] All right, mate?
- [Kaleb] Oh, you're back!
- [Jeremy] I'm back and not dead.
- How are you?
[Jeremy] The Reaper will have to wait.
It was fucking close, though.
[Kaleb] Cor, you did look ill.
I was worried, I have been worried.
I've been properly worried actually.
It's good to see you. What did they say?
- It wasn't a heart attack.
- Okay, that's good.
What did the tingling in the arm mean,
then?
That was just coincidental.
I was scrolling on my phone.
Yeah.
If I hadn't have been doing that,
I wouldn't have got
pins and needles in my arm.
And if I hadn't have got pins
and needles, I wouldn't have thought:
"Hang on, am I having a heart problem?"
I wouldn't have gone to hospital.
Anyway, they put me in this,
like, big Polo ring
and they found I've got
really bad coronary artery problems.
- So you've got three arteries
- Coming out the heart?
No, that feed your heart with blood
to keep it pumping.
One of them, totally blocked.
One of them looked like something
dangling from the roof of a cave
in the Peak District.
And one of them had got so clogged up
it had had to form, like, branches.
So my heart wasn't getting any blood.
And I said:
"How close was I to a heart attack?"
And he went: "Days?"
Oh fuck.
They put a camera up my arm
and it crossed my chest
and into my heart.
- Could you feel it?
- Yeah, you can feel it.
And you can see your own heart
on a TV screen. Then they put
Because they were gonna have to do
open-heart surgery, they thought.
Yeah.
Then they went up and they realised
they could actually mend it.
So they got the Dyno-Rod out,
shoved that in.
- "Dyno-Rod"!
- Well, it was!
And they had, like, hammers,
chisels, cameras.
And then they put, like, the stents,
which are Brillo pads, in,
to stretch it out.
So I should be as good as new.
Oh good.
So what have they said, though?
I can't drive for a week.
Okay.
And
no manual labour of any sort,
I can't stretch myself, for six weeks.
- Six weeks?
- Yeah.
So no on the farm really, then?
- Cause, I mean, everything on the farm
- No, no, I know. I can't.
- I can't move, I can't do anything.
- Oh, that's a shame.
Well
Erm, I'm gonna see Lisa. Erm
Yeah. I'm gonna just feed the cows
and bed 'em up.
All right, see you in a bit.
[Jeremy] I wasn't the only one
who'd been in the wars.
Poor old Sansa.
Got pyometra at the weekend
and had to have
an emergency hysterectomy.
You're never going to be able
to have puppies, are you?
[Jeremy] She could, however,
eat whatever she liked,
whereas my diet was now in the
iron grip of the doctor
and Lisa.
Thing is, though
That's cottage cheese!
Urgh, can't eat that shit.
That's disgusting.
[chewing loudly]
What is that?
[Lisa] Greek yoghurt. It's better
for your microbes in your stomach.
Oh fucking
What do you mean "wheat" yoghurt?
[Lisa] "Greek"!
Why would anybody eat Greek anything?
[Lisa] Because you're meant to
for your stomach. It's better for you!
I'm not eating knob cheese.
What is that?
- What is it?
- [Lisa] Kale.
Oh fuck
I promise you, that is gonna be
I'm going to cook it up.
Wow, that was really
bitter and horrible.
We farm beef,
we farm lamb,
we farm pork,
it's what we do for a living here
and I can't eat any of it.
You can.
Maybe once a month or twice a month
you can have a delicious
lamb or a steak. Delicious.
- I can't!
- You can!
I can't! Doctor Lucy said I can't.
- That's not true.
- And she said I can't drink
- 'cause my liver's fucked.
- Well, your liver will recover.
- What, by tomorrow?
- No, not by tomorrow.
Well then, what's the point?
What do you mean "what's the point"?
Don't be such a petulant little child.
Just get healthier
and then you can live life again in,
you know, bits and pieces.
You know,
you were in fifth gear the whole time.
- Fifth?
- Go down to two-and-a-half gear.
- Fifth? Are you in 1984?
- Seventh.
- You were in seventh gear the whole time.
- Ten
Mustangs have ten speeds now.
Okay,
you were in twelfth gear the whole time.
[Jeremy grunting]
I'm not eating kale!
[Lisa] I'm gonna put loads of chilli
and spring onion.
It'll be delicious.
But vegetables are an accompaniment
to meat, we know that.
- [Lisa] Not for you anymore.
- No, I know.
[tense music]
[Jeremy] With the car keys confiscated,
my daily activities were limited
to gentle dog walks
in the golden glow of Autumn.
This was a good way of relaxing,
unless I bumped into my sheeps,
who remained
as wilfully disobedient as ever.
I put them in this field 'cause
I want them to graze all this long grass
and all they're doing
is eating the grass from the path
that I mowed
so I can walk the dogs.
Look. Eat the long
No, I've already mowed this bit!
Go and eat over there.
No, don't! Go and eat this.
Look.
- [Lisa] Are you talking to sheep?
- Yeah.
So there's, like, all of the food in
the world there, hardly any food here:
"Right, we'll go and eat this."
And then, of course, they shit on it.
So if someone gave you a glass of wine
or they gave you
a bunch of grapes and said:
"Here, make the glass of wine,"
you'd just drink the glass of wine.
That's like giving them a bunch
of grapes. They've gotta search.
Don't talk to me about wine.
[soft country music]
[Jeremy] The problem I had, though,
is that to keep up
with the pub's incessant demands
for more meat,
we needed more sheeps.
So a week later, I bought another flock.
And this pleased Kaleb enormously.
[Kaleb] What the fuck has he done now?
[sighs]
Have you not learnt anything
in the last five years?
Yeah.
When you get a pub,
you need ten sheeps a week,
fat lambs, a week, a week.
So I've had to get more.
[Kaleb] I'm literally surrounded with
something I hate the most. I stood here,
- there's sheep here
- Yeah.
There's sheep over there by the farm
shop, if you see them, over there.
[Jeremy] Sheep by the house.
- And sheep by the house.
- [Jeremy] I know.
And these, this is my genius,
these are EasyCare sheep.
That's what they're called, EasyCare.
Mate, I'm gonna break this to you.
- What?
- No sheep is easy to care for.
These ones are.
Let me just explain the details,
if I may?
Go for it.
[Jeremy] They don't need shearing.
Their hair falls out by itself.
So they don't get maggots.
- [Kaleb] All right.
- That's number one.
They're very, very easy to breed
and they lamb very simply.
So you get good lambing,
very low maintenance.
Okay, think of it this way.
Lamborghini.
Very difficult things
to drive and own in the olden days.
Audi then come along,
blend Audi and Lamborghini together
in the Aventador
and you had an easy-care Lamborghini.
- [Kaleb] Was it easy care, though?
- Well, more easy than the Countach.
[Jeremy] I then introduced Kaleb
to John and Louise,
who'd sold me the EasyCare sheeps.
- [Kaleb] Hello!
- Hi, there!
- How are you? Are you okay?
- Hey! How are you?
[Jeremy] In the hope
they could talk him round.
[John] So Kaleb doesn't like sheep, yes?
[Jeremy] No, he doesn't.
But I've been trying to convince him
that these are sensible sheep.
Very sensible.
Very sensible sheep indeed.
[Jeremy] And they lamb really easily.
It's basically a wedge-shaped sheep
with a long neck.
So what it does is it sort of
The lambs will just dive out.
- So what
- What? 'Cause it's pointy?
[Louise] Because,
yeah, it's more pointy.
So the lamb is like an arrow?
[Louise] Yes, something like that, yeah.
[John] Listen, you're in for a good
adventure with these sheep.
Yeah, as soon as I saw the words
"EasyCare sheep", I thought:
"Count me in for some."
- 'Cause I've got a dicky ticker.
- [Louise] Yeah?
- So I need "easy care".
- [Kaleb] You didn't mention that.
[Jeremy] Yeah, I don't mention it much.
To be fair, being serious, my mother
dropped dead of a heart attack at 67.
- [Jeremy] Did she?
- Yeah.
- With furred up arteries, no clue.
- Cheery news. My ticker's fine.
So, no, they said her heart was fine.
- It was her arteries, exactly the same.
- Yeah, exactly, that's what
And, she'd walked around with
a little thing in her chest for yonks.
That's what I've got.
- And, erm
- And she dropped dead at 67.
- And they said: "You'll be fine."
- Three years.
What? Until?
- [Jeremy] I drop dead.
- No, because you've had your stents.
Honestly, people from Yorkshire,
I do like you.
- You'll be fine.
- Yeah.
- You'll be here forever.
- Fuck.
- [Jeremy] Why is the doctor
- [all laughing]
[Jeremy] Besides lamb,
the pub also needed more beef.
So with that in mind,
I went off to scan my cows
to see if End Game the bull
had managed to get them pregnant.
Morning, End Game.
How are you, my darling?
To be honest, I wasn't sure.
Clearly he enjoyed
the company of the lady cows,
but more as a sort of gay best friend.
Even when the cows
were plainly in the mood,
he never seemed to take the hint.
[Dilwyn] He's a character, isn't he,
End Game?
He's a bit playful.
[Jeremy] Well,
"playful" is one way of putting it.
"Freddie Mercury" is another way.
"George Michael".
[Jeremy] On that note, Dilwyn lubed up,
so we could find out if End Game
had actually been up to anything.
[Jeremy] How come it's a double crush?
That weighs it, and then
that's the weigh scales in that one.
[Kaleb panting]
[Jeremy] That's more attention
than she's had from End Game.
[all laughing]
[Jeremy] In came the result
of the first scan.
- [Dilwyn] And there he is!
- [Jeremy] Yes!
End Game's not gay!
Well done, cow number one.
- [Dilwyn] There's a calf!
- Oh, yes!
[Charlie] I could see it.
[Jeremy] That is so good.
That's two out of two.
[Charlie] Yes!
- [Dilwyn] Wow, look at that one!
- [Charlie] Look at that!
[Dilwyn] You can see his heart
beating there.
[Jeremy] Yeah. Well, that's good news.
You're up the duff.
[Jeremy] All in all, End Game had got
five of the seven cows pregnant.
[Dilwyn] So End Game is fertile.
Excellent.
End Game, you are a superstar.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] With the animals sorted,
my convalescence went back
to its humdrum cycle of dog walks
Sansa! Arya!
[Jeremy] And Greek yoghurt.
[Jeremy moaning with disgust]
There was the odd distraction, though,
such as the day
when F1 driver Oscar Piastri dropped by.
- [Jeremy] There's a lot of gears.
- There's a lot of gears. Yeah.
[Jeremy] To make content
for his social media,
he wanted to try his hand at
reversing a dolly trailer into a barn.
- [Oscar] Yeah?
- [Kaleb] All right. Come on, then.
[Jeremy] So Kaleb,
who naturally had never heard of him
[Kaleb] What do you do?
[Oscar Piastri] I drive cars.
[Jeremy] gave him a quick lesson.
All right, don't need the clutch,
only to start it up, yeah?
- Okay.
- Handbrake. So this is Park here.
If you're in Neutral like this,
it will roll a little bit.
But as soon as you pick a gear,
like reverse, it will stop.
We'll open the back window
so it's much easier so you can see.
- Yeah.
- Now, I like to sit like this.
- Yeah.
- You're looking over your right shoulder,
and then I can use my left hand to
steer. That's why I said, like, relaxing.
You've got to simply relax in the cab
and make this whole space yours.
Okay.
So, of course,
as soon as you start reversing
and you're spinning
the tractor up this way,
that dolly's gonna start
turning that way,
but the back goes out the other way.
- Does that make sense?
- Yes.
[Kaleb] And then I'm gonna spin it
the other way.
Just gently feather that.
Just gently feather the accelerator
just to
- There's no rush, you know what I mean?
- Okay.
[Kaleb] And then into the shed we go.
- All right?
- Okay.
Like that.
[Jeremy] With the
"Kaleb-splaining" done,
Oscar took over the controls.
Okay, I'm in reverse.
Handbrake's off.
We're off to a good start.
Do you know who he is?
No. Who is he?
He's a Formula 1 racing driver.
Oh, okay. So he should piss this.
Go this way.
Yeah, no, I gotta go this way
so I can get it that way.
I feel like,
this is a restart job already.
I mean, he can go through Eau Rouge
flat-out, which is a corner at Spa.
[race commentator] And Oscar Piastri
goes through Eau Rouge!
[engine roaring]
Which is incredibly difficult
and a brave thing to do.
[Oscar Piastri] No,
that's the wrong way.
But he is from the city.
Yeah, I gotta go that way.
The shed's over that way!
I need to go that way.
It's a good job he doesn't have to
position his car on the grid like this
with a trailer on it!
[Kaleb] Oscar?
We're gonna go and get a cup of tea.
We'll come back out
when you're finished.
[Oscar] I think you can probably
get dinner, to be honest.
- [all laughing]
- It does go dark soon!
[Oscar] No, you bastard.
I think we've established
he can't reverse a trailer.
[Jeremy] Oscar, however,
hadn't got that memo.
All right,
let's start from the very beginning.
[Jeremy] And the boy was no quitter.
Oi. I went too early.
[Jeremy] With the afternoon light
fading
How have I ended up that sideways?
[Jeremy] I had to immerse myself
in some exciting government paperwork
and Kaleb had jobs to do.
So, we left Oscar to it.
[Oscar] No! Fuck me.
[soft folk music]
[Jeremy] A few days later
[Dilwyn] Hello.
[Jeremy] With the EasyCare sheep
settling in,
Dilwyn had come over
to give them a check-up.
Which meant we well, Kaleb
Go on!
[Jeremy] had to herd them
into an inspection pen.
[Kaleb] Go on then, girls! Come on!
- Do you reckon he needs a hand?
- I'm not allowed to do manual labour.
- Are you not?
- Six weeks.
- 'Cause of the old ticker?
- Mm.
[Dilwyn] Yeah.
The doctor said I've got to do nothing,
just watch him.
[Dilwyn] It's a good job
you're not a cow or a horse.
I would have put you down by now.
Wouldn't I?
[Jeremy] Given the name of the sheep,
we were expecting the round-up
to be a doddle.
[Kaleb] Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Hey, steady! Steady! Hello!
I fucking hate sheep!
[Jeremy and Dilwyn laughing]
[Kaleb] Why?
[sheep bleating]
[Kaleb sighing]
[Jeremy] They're not
easy-care, are they?
[Kaleb] They're not.
[Jeremy] They're impossible-to-catch
sheep.
[Jeremy] Clearly, Kaleb needed help.
And since the sheep drone
I'd used in the first series
had turned out to be useless,
I decided to use my car instead.
- Where are they?
- [Kaleb] In the fort.
Oh, you're kidding.
[tense music]
[Jeremy] I don't think
we've ever been in here
the whole time
we've been filming on the farm.
This is a Neolithic fort.
I can see now
it's just a bund in a rectangle
which used to house town.
We are now entering the ancient city,
which is home now to my sheep.
Oh, now, you see, you're surprised,
aren't you?
'Cause I'm gonna use technology
to round you up.
Come on.
Out of the fort.
Yes!
Out you go.
Uh-uh, that way!
- [sheep bleating]
- [Dilwyn] Get on with you!
[Jeremy on radio]
Hey, we're getting them, guys.
[Jeremy] With the inspection pen
just yards away
[Kaleb] Come on!
[Jeremy] success was a certainty.
But then, a splinter group
jumped over the electric fence
[Jeremy] Shit, shit, shit.
[Jeremy] And the rest sold us a dummy
and broke free as well.
[Kaleb] Argh!
[Jeremy] Oh, don't go back in,
you stupid things.
[Kaleb] Shall we kill 'em?
[Jeremy laughing quietly]
[Jeremy sighing]
Yeah?
No, we're not killing them.
But, I mean, look
Now they've gone
back in the bloody fort.
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] With the sheep
very much not in the pen,
we were forced to deploy
every resource we had.
[Kaleb] Close that
gap a little bit, Ben.
[Jeremy] The film crew.
[Kaleb] Everyone squeeze up.
[Jeremy] Right,
with the entire production crew on it
[Kaleb] We got this. We got it.
[Kaleb bleating]
[Kaleb sighing]
[Kaleb] Don't be an arsehole.
[Jeremy] We tried
every formation we could think of.
[Kaleb] On the far right-hand side,
please.
[Jeremy] Come on!
[Kaleb] Connor, close that gap again,
mate.
[Jeremy] But it was like
trying to outfox Real Madrid.
[Kaleb] Hey, hey, hey!
[Kaleb sighing]
Oh, look at them. Back in again.
[Kaleb] Let's go home.
Try again tomorrow.
Well,
that was a complete waste of an hour.
[Dilwyn] Yeah.
And a waste of your bill.
[Dilwyn] Well, we tried.
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
- [Dilwyn] Yeah.
[Jeremy] Right.
You may have a point, Kaleb,
about these sheep.
[Kaleb] I'm blaming this on you.
[Jeremy] I vowed there and then
never to buy any more
sheep ever again
[soft music]
Which made my visit to the barn
the following morning
rather disturbing.
- [Jeremy] What the fuck are they?
- [Kaleb] I dunno.
- They're not sheep. What are they?
- [Kaleb] They are sheep.
- Unless they're a goat.
- [Jeremy] What are they?
Look, they've run
at very high speed into a wall
and smashed their snout.
Look!
That's not a sheep! They've got no eyes!
- But I mean, whose are they?
- I don't know.
[Jeremy] Soon, the mystery was solved.
Oh, aren't they gorgeous?
They're my little Valois!
- [Jeremy] You bought them?
- Yeah!
- [Kaleb] And you put 'em in here?
- Yeah!
Well, they have to settle down for
a couple of weeks
'cause they've just arrived.
No, no, sorry, Lisa
why have you bought
five flat-faced, eyeless sheep?
Because, I thought
we could put them in the copse
and I could breed them?
- [Lisa] Because they're quite expe
- Breed them?
[Lisa] Yeah.
They're quite expensive to buy.
How much are they?
- They're two.
- [Jeremy] Two hundred quid?
Thousand.
[Kaleb gasping repeatedly]
- Each?
- [Lisa] Yeah!
Yeah!
But I thought if I could go
These Okay, listen to me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! There's
£10,000 worth of sheep just here?
Diddly Squat, Hobby Farm.
[Kaleb] It is, literally. £10,000, Lisa!
I know, but can you imagine what
I can sell the babies for if they breed?
And I will breed them.
So these have all been blood-tested,
- so I'll get an AI ram in.
- [Jeremy] Where are they from?
From up in Cheshire.
Cheshire? There we go.
Every single Manchester United
footballer's wife
has these as a pet, don't they?
- They will do.
- They will be when I sell it to them.
[Jeremy] Wilmslow sheep.
Well, I'll leave you to.
You're going to have to deal with this.
Yeah.
[Kaleb] We could skin 'em
and put 'em on the bathroom floor.
[Lisa] Don't tease them.
[rock music]
[Jeremy] One of the things the doctor
had especially banned me from doing
was going to my pub.
Partly,
this was to stop me drinking in it.
But mostly,
it was to stop me stressing about it.
I had to ignore her, though,
because the list of problems
was becoming huge.
Power is one of the biggest problems.
To get enough electricity up here
to run the pub, we'd need new cables,
which would cost £200,000,
and obviously that's ridiculous.
So we've had to hire this generator,
and it costs £100 a day,
a day, to fuel it.
Mind you, that's nothing
compared to the cost of theft.
Just last night somebody stole
£200 worth of cooking oil.
And that's not the maddest thing
that gets nicked from here.
Every single day
somebody steals the light bulbs
and the urinal traps.
We've had to screw these down
to stop them being nicked.
Who steals a urinal trap?
Glasses.
Wanna hazard a guess at how many
of these are stolen every week?
No, you're quite wrong. It's 400.
400 glasses a week are nicked from here.
For some reason we don't have
enough water pressure up here
so we've had to install
this 6,000-litre tank
which fills up overnight,
and even this isn't big enough.
I mean, we just keep running out.
This is the overflow car park
and we've had to put hardcore down,
because, as you can see here,
everyone was getting stuck.
We even got
a fire engine stuck the other day.
Then there's the tent.
Every morning
the roof is lined with condensation.
And if it's windy, it gets shaken loose,
so it's raining in here.
Then you've got staff problems,
complaining to HR, which is basically me.
Charlotte, for example.
Charlotte runs the butcher's counter.
And, you moaned,
with some justification,
that customers were saying
you look like Kaleb.
There was a comment
that I was Kaleb after transition.
See? This is what
you have to deal with as a landlord.
[Jeremy] There was, however, a
more immediate problem to take care of,
because with
November the fifth fast approaching,
Kaleb and I needed to build the bonfire.
Back up.
[Jeremy] And before getting stuck in,
I had to lay out
the terms of my employment.
You know, sadly,
I can't help you with this.
Okay, go home.
No, I need to be here to advise you.
But don't argue
'cause I can't have stress.
So first of all,
we need to get a triangular shape.
[Kaleb] No, not necessarily.
What we do now, look,
is you just put the pallets
- either side over the top of this.
- What?
[Kaleb] We just literally
keep that in the centre.
- You can't have a cube-shaped bonfire.
- You can.
- [Jeremy] You can't.
- You can.
- [Jeremy] You just can't.
- You can!
No, what you need is a pole down
the middle, a tree log, down the middle.
And then
you stack things up like a wigwam.
That has to be the
shape of your bonfire.
[Jeremy] Once we'd agreed
that I was right,
the first job was to find some logs.
[Kaleb] You have to get over that way
a little bit.
What? You pull it that way?
Just pull it.
- Are you gonna get out and pull it over?
- [Jeremy] No, I'm not.
- [Kaleb] Well, you're gonna have to.
- I can't. My doctor says
I can't pull logs.
[Kaleb] Well, you can't do anything.
You can pull a log!
[Jeremy] I can't. You're standing there!
- Go that way a little bit and grab it.
- Just don't give me stress.
For fuck's sake.
I really do like
working in these new conditions
where I can just point at things
- You're loving this, aren't you?
- Yeah.
[Kaleb] I don't like this new you.
[Jeremy] Well, you didn't like
the old me very much.
I didn't, to be fair!
You're right there!
[telehandler beeping]
[Jeremy] I do love this little sports.
- [Kaleb] It's good, innit? It's great.
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
[Kaleb] You do look abnormal, though.
[Jeremy] I'm in a mobility scooter
is what I'm in!
- This is the mobility
- [Kaleb] This is what I would get you
on the farm.
[Jeremy] The mobility scooter of JCBs.
[Kaleb laughing]
[Jeremy] This requires skill
and precision,
both of which I have in abundance.
[Kaleb] Fucking useless.
- [Jeremy] You stupid idiot!
- What?
[Jeremy] It's the worst loading
I've ever seen.
Don't worry, Kaleb, with editing it'll
look like you know what you're doing.
[Kaleb laughing] I'm just getting
You arsehole!
[rock music]
[Jeremy] That's a good,
long, straight log.
That's what you need as the spine.
That's hard work putting that in.
[Jeremy] Right, now we're starting
to take shape. Our bonfire is gonna
What are you doing?
I didn't do anything!
You just pushed it out!
I didn't push it out!
I was talking to you!
- You did that on purpose.
- I did not do
- [Jeremy] Why?
- You did.
- Why I'd knock our bonfire down?
- [Kaleb] You were pushing the boom out.
- [Kaleb] Fuck's sake.
- Stress.
[Kaleb] Fuck me. It's like talking
to a fucking brick wall.
It's funny, you can feel it.
You can feel it building.
Kaleb?
You know a lot of farmers
have bonfire nights?
Yeah.
Is that because they can get rid
of certain things on the farm?
Absolutely not.
It's to get the family together.
- Yeah.
- Eating, erm
But if you could see the colour
of the smoke coming off the bonfire,
which you can't 'cause it's night
obviously on Bonfire Night
No, I do think a lot of farmers
do like Bonfire Night.
I love Bonfire Night because
you can just get certain things
Yeah,
your farm's a lot tidier the next day.
A hundred percent.
- That's going to the skip.
- [Jeremy] Of course it is.
Keep coming.
[Jeremy] With the centre pole
and the pallets in place
Perfect.
[Jeremy] The next job was to dress it
with the bushes.
If I get the sports telehandler
then I'll simply push this onto there.
That won't work.
You'll make a mess over that side.
- I promise I won't.
- [Kaleb] It won't work.
It will. Just watch and then you'll see.
[engine sputtering]
[Jeremy] Come on!
[Kaleb] That went well.
Really well.
[telehandler beeping]
That was a car park.
It's now a fucking mud bath.
[rock music]
[Jeremy] Eager to
get the thing finished,
we continued working into the darkness.
And progress was made.
[Kaleb] If you knock it all down now
I'll literally cry.
[Jeremy] How brilliant's that? Yeah!
Shall I tell you what's funny?
You know this programme's watched
in America?
They're gonna wonder
what the bloody hell we're doing.
They don't know what Bonfire Night is.
We ought to ex
Actually, you explain it to them.
Go on!
Explain to our American audience
why we do this every year.
Who do we put on top?
Guy Fawkes.
Okay, so Guy Fawkes,
back in the 17th century,
tried to blow up
the Houses of Parliament,
blow up the government. He failed.
He was caught.
And every single year
we commemorate his failure
by burning an effigy
of him on a bonfire.
And everyone does it. Everyone.
There are fireworks
- and we celebrate his failure.
- How did he fail?
They stacked the basement of
the Houses of Parliament with gunpowder
and then the guy he'd appointed
to look after it fell asleep
and the guards found him.
Hey, but you don't have to have
Guy Fawkes on the top of the bonfire.
What do you have? A tyre?
[Jeremy] Anything you don't like.
- [Kaleb chuckling] Good?
- All right.
- I'm knocking it on the head for tonight.
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
[Jeremy] Well,
it looks pretty good from here.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] A couple of days later,
Dilwyn was due back to try, once again,
to check over my new EasyCare sheeps.
Right, second attempt to get these sheep
in the crush,
made doubly difficult
because Kaleb has, it being November,
taken his family on holiday to Cornwall.
So I'm going
to try and use the dogs as well.
Right, ready?
Dogs, you need leads on.
Sansa, Arya, heel! Heel!
Oi, you need your leads on.
No
Well
Right.
Just me, then.
Right, these EasyCare sheep
have positioned themselves
at exactly the wrong end of the field.
[Jeremy] Except, as it turned out,
for one of them.
Oh, God above.
It's dead, isn't it?
There's a big wound in its neck.
[Jeremy] Fortunately,
Dilwyn then arrived.
Hi, Dilwyn.
[Dilwyn] Hi there. Ah!
Ah, the ear's gone.
There's no ear.
[Jeremy] Well, who would eat
a sheep's ear?
[Dilwyn] Dogs.
Dog worrying is a terrible problem.
When I was in Herefordshire,
working in Herefordshire,
the police would bring a dog in and say:
"We're worried about
this dog has been worrying sheep."
And we'd make that dog vomit.
And if it vomited up wool,
it was put down there and then.
- No way!
- It was. That was in, er
[Jeremy] Right, so
[Dilwyn] Yes. Also, I think the crows
have had a go at her.
The eyes, I see that the eyes The
crows have taken the eyes, have they?
Yeah, and the backside here.
What, the crows have eaten her anus?
[Dilwyn] Yeah.
It's just they tend to poke in there.
- [Jeremy] What?
- Yeah.
They can poke their
and literally pull the lining,
the gut out through the anus.
And then the crows have thought:
"Oh, here we go, let's have a feast."
I hope I don't come back as a crow.
And the other thing I can see, she's also
quite swollen in her right hind there.
- Quite what?
- Quite swollen.
[Jeremy] Well, isn't that rigor mortis?
[Dilwyn] No.
That's all gangrene that's set in there.
- [Jeremy] Gangrene?
- Yeah.
What manner of death is this?
A dog tears your ear off
and then you get gangrene.
Yes.
Okay, look, we could sit and
discuss this all day long but, erm
- It's not gonna bring her back, is it?
- No.
[Jeremy] Dilwyn said that to be sure,
he wanted to do a post-mortem
back at the yard.
Which meant I had to convert
my Range Rover into a hearse.
I won't pick it up myself.
No, I'll give you a hand.
Please don't let the doctor see
me doing all this shit.
All right, mind yourself, dog.
One
[together] Two
[Dilwyn] Three.
There you go.
[Jeremy moaning in disgust]
Oh, shitting hell, that smells.
[Dilwyn] The dog thinks it's great.
[Jeremy] Jesus Christ.
Cor, I'm glad I'm not in there.
[Jeremy] Back at the yard,
Dilwyn "Dexter" set to work.
I'm gonna chop here,
getting the legs out of the way.
[Jeremy] I was gonna say I'll sit
in the car, but that's worse in there.
- [Dilwyn] Oh, look at that.
- What?
[Dilwyn] Well, it's just rotten, innit?
- What is?
- [Dilwyn] The whole carcass is.
[Jeremy] That's the stomach, isn't it?
The intestines.
[Dilwyn] That's its fourth stomach.
That's its third one.
'Cause they've got four stomachs.
[Jeremy] Well, we did say we'd show
farming, warts and all on this show,
but this is really stretching it
this morning, isn't it?
Oh Christ,
now the faeces is all coming out.
- [Dilwyn] I've made a hole in there.
- It's shitting into its own stomach.
[Jeremy] Oh, for Christ's sake!
[both chuckling]
I don't wanna come across
as metropolitan here, but Dilwyn!
- I've nicked its bowel!
- What are you learning from this?
Yeah, this is well dead.
[crew laughing]
Well, I wasn't expecting it
to get up and run off.
I'd like to apologise
on behalf of the entire
Clarkson's Farm team for this scene.
I promise
we will try to
lift the mood.
[Jeremy] Sadly, however,
this wasn't possible,
because over at the pub there'd been
a problem with our bonfire.
Right.
Shit.
[Jeremy] There was
no time to worry about
which vandal
was responsible for this, though
- Hi, guys.
- [Annie] Hello.
[Jeremy] Because
with Bonfire Night looming,
the pub team and I had to get cracking
on the rebuild.
Tip it forward a bit, a tad over.
There you go.
[Mark] If you just put it down there.
Mark? I need to get the straw
to go in the middle
which enables people to set
fire to it when we're not looking.
[Jeremy] As we beavered away,
Annie revealed
the arson attack had been an inside job,
involving one
of our own car-park attendants.
He texted me and confessed.
The guy has confessed?
Yeah, he sent me a message.
It's just his final parting gift.
He had a couple of pints, on us,
and then set fire to this.
What? We gave him a couple of pints?
I think he went to the pub, he was
drinking in the pub with his friends,
and then came down here,
lit something in the woods,
walked through here
and stood back and enjoyed it.
- What did he light in the woods?
- I don't know.
You can see on the CCTV he carries
something from there into here,
chucks it in and then retreats.
- Did anyone get any footage of the fire?
- [Annie] Yeah.
- Have you?
- [Annie] Yeah.
Really? Can I see it?
- Oh wow, look. Is that it?
- [woman] Yes.
[Jeremy] Oh, so it's actually
a very good fire,
albeit 72 hours early.
[woman] Yes.
Well, I hope he was
pleased with himself.
[Mark] Er, put it round the edge.
What, on here?
It's walking past your butcher's shop
when you can't eat meat,
I mean, that is
You've got a pub and a butcher's and
you can't have anything from any of it.
No, either. I can't get high
on my own supply, exactly.
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] As dusk fell,
we'd broken the back of the rebuild.
[crew grunting]
Do you know,
that's better than the first one.
[woman] Yeah. I didn't see the first one
until it was burning, though.
[all laughing]
[Jeremy] I think we can
be proud of that. It's good.
Good, good.
[Charlotte] What are you having
for dinner tonight?
Erm, I haven't thought.
[Charlotte] Well, it's just I've noticed
there's a steak in your pocket.
- And
- [all laughing]
All right, I've been shoplifting.
I admit.
[all laughing]
Well, well spotted.
This is a good training course
for you all.
Right, I'll see you all tomorrow,
then, everyone.
And thanks ever so much for this.
It's brilliant.
- [Mark] Cheers.
- Onwards.
Thanks, guys.
[rock music]
[Jeremy] As the big day dawned,
Charlie came back from his holiday
and immediately headed over
for an urgent chat.
Not surprising
given the cataclysmic event
that had hit farming
while he'd been away.
[news reader] The chancellor unveils
one of the biggest ever
tax-raising budgets in history.
From 2026,
farmers whose agricultural assets
are worth more than one million pounds
will have to pay 20% Inheritance Tax.
Of course up until now
farms had been exempt.
This will ensure that we continue
to protect small family farms,
with three quarters of claims
unaffected by these changes.
Now she's claiming 73% of farms
won't be affected by the changes,
which is nonsense.
I mean, it's just not true.
- Yep.
- And she's claiming
it's only a tiny bit. It isn't.
Anyone whose land and assets
are worth more than a million is hit.
So, well, if you've got
a hundred acres in Huddersfield,
if you've a tractor
and a combine harvester
- [Charlie] So it's
- You're being clobbered.
So page three of The Sunday Times,
other papers are available,
some chap called Steven wrote about
a herd of cows that have been there
for five generations,
they're a dairy herd in Leicestershire
farmed by the Eccleston family.
They've got six hundred cows.
Their six hundred cows alone
take them over the threshold.
- Yeah, just the cows.
- Just the cows.
That's not the dairy parlour.
That's not a tractor.
That's not any of the implements.
- Everything
- Just the cows
gets them over Rachel Reeves'
And she's sitting there,
with a straight face saying:
"Only 27% of farms are affected."
It's not true.
No, but, I mean,
if you have a rich person
who's made a lot of money
in investment banking and buys land
so that they don't have to pay
Inheritance Tax, I can understand.
I don't agree with it,
but I can understand
why people would say that was unfair.
I get that.
And I can see why Rachel Reeves
would come after people like that,
you know, the rich people who've
bought land in the countryside, i.e. me.
- Yeah.
- But she's just got a blunderbuss
and fired at, you know,
the investment bankers,
or James Dyson,
the hoover man with eight billion acres.
She's aimed for him.
But she's hit all the farmers.
Well, I haven't finished my bad news.
Oh
That's the headline of the budget.
You read down into the budget,
you're gonna have
a carbon tax on your fertiliser.
2027, she's gonna tax fertiliser.
We're gonna be paying between
£50 and 75 per tonne
on fertiliser.
But, you know, the strange thing is,
when you import wheat
from somewhere else
it doesn't have all this on it.
You know, it will be UK farmers
will have these taxes.
So people like bakers will just say:
"We can't afford to buy British wheat.
"We'll buy Canadian
wheat where none of this applies."
None of this yeah.
And then, Defra released a statement
on the same afternoon
saying that the 2025 basic payment
would be cut by 76%.
You're gonna get 24%.
- So next year
- Hold on.
The basic payments were supposed
to be phased out over
[Charlie] Three years.
She saved half a billion next year
from farming alone in cashflow.
- It was
- Pick-up trucks,
they've reclassified
pick-up trucks as cars.
So farmers using the L200s
and Ford Rangers,
that's now a car
so you've gotta pay proper tax on those.
And that hasn't been mentioned.
I'm gonna be a non-dom.
If only I knew someone I could marry
who was Irish.
[Jeremy chuckling]
- Yeah, you can't even use your
- [Jeremy laughing]
[crew] That could cost you a lot more.
[all laughing]
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Meeting over,
we headed to the pub
to get ready for the bonfire party.
And job one
was deciding
whose effigy should be burned.
There we are.
I'm Lord Elly
and you have free spectacles,
free suit, free tie
and the opportunity to go
for a little ride in a telehandler!
What do you think of that, Keir?
Come on, Keir.
Just gonna lift you up by own testes.
What do you think of that? Yes!
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Once darkness fell,
the pub garden
started to fill with the locals.
Ladies and gentlemen!
Welcome to the first-ever
Bonfire Night party at The Farmer's Dog.
We've got pulled-pork burgers
with homemade apple sauce.
We've got toffee apples.
And for the children,
we have sausage sandwiches.
And everything, as is always the case
at The Farmer's Dog,
was grown or reared
in Britain by British farmers.
- [crowd cheering]
- [Jeremy] Before Rachel Reeves
f s it up for everybody.
Right, here we go.
[Jeremy] Before the traditional
celebrations began, though,
I'd laid on an extra treat
in the shape of a drone show.
Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
hope you enjoy it.
[drones buzzing]
[Lisa] What's happening? [gasps]
[crowd applauding]
Oh, Pepper!
[Jeremy] Pepper the cow!
Oh, that's so clever!
[Jeremy] What's this going to be?
What's it going to be?
- Oh look, it's a sheep!
- [Lisa] Maybe, it's
Oh wow, look at that!
[crowd applauding]
[Lisa] Wow!
[Jeremy] What now?
[Lisa] Pig!
- Is it a pig?
- Yeah!
[Gerald] Oh yeah!
[Lisa laughing]
[Jeremy] I think there might be a crash
on the A40 when they look up at that!
- [Gerald] Combine!
- [Jeremy] It's a combine!
[Charlie] It's Gerald's combine!
[Lisa] Wow!
[Lisa gasping] That's gorgeous!
The pump and the glass, innit?
[Lisa] Oh, it's filling up! Ah!
Oh, what's it becoming?
- [Lisa] Ah, Gerald!
- [Jeremy] It's Gerald!
[cheering and laughing]
- Look at that!
- [Lisa] Wow!
That's your Christmas card sorted!
[Jeremy] Then the part
I'd been looking forward to even more.
[Jeremy] Look at this!
We have smoke! We have fire!
[Charlie] Look at it go!
[Jeremy] Look, he's smoking.
[Charlie] The guy is getting
a warm posterior.
[all laughing]
[Jeremy] His suit has caught alight!
His hair is burning!
His crotch is on fire!
[laughing and clapping]
That is one burning man.
[crowd cheering]
[soft music]
[fireworks exploding]
[Jeremy] Given the strength
of feelings round here post-budget,
it felt good
to make fun of the government.
[soft music continues]
But all of us knew that to try and stop
this astonishing attack
on British farming,
fun wouldn't cut it.
And that soon, we'd have to get serious.
[soft music continues]
[Olly Harrison] Why do we farm?
Why do we accept low prices?
Do the government
even know where food comes from?
[crowd] No!
When was the last time you played
at a venue smaller than this?
[Caroline Corr] Oh
[Kaleb] Hold that far gate!
Hold the far gate!
- [electrical shock]
- Fuck!
Ah!
We need a Christmas grotto.
[Santa] Oh no! Get away!
[rock music]