Hacks (2021) s05e01 Episode Script
EGOT
1
[CHOIR SINGING IN LATIN]
[SOMBER CHORAL MUSIC]
♪
[TIRES SCREECH]
Oh, my God. Look at this.
[ALL SCREAMING]
Sh she has risen!
No, no!
I was never dead.
TMZ got a bad tip.
They issued a retraction this morning.
But they said they carried
your body off a boat
in Singapore, and you didn't make it.
What?
[SLOWLY] They said
they carried your body
off a boat in Singapore,
and you didn't make it.
No, yeah.
No, no, no, I didn't make it
to the hospital.
- [ALL GASP]
- I came to in the ambulance.
I had them reroute me to my hotel.
- Oh, hallelujah.
- Thank You, Jesus.
We didn't want to believe it,
but it made sense because of your
you know, your, um
your your breakdown.
My breakdown?
Yeah, at "Late Night."
It was all over the news
that you went cuckoo.
[UPBEAT GOSPEL MUSIC]
♪
Deborah Vance is alive!
- Yes! Oh, yes!
- [BOTH CHEERING]
[ENGINE TURNING OVER, TIRES SQUEALING]
- You saved me ♪
- Yes, you did ♪
- Uh-huh, yeah ♪
- Yes, you did ♪
I wanna thank you for me ♪
- [DOG BARKING]
- Motherfuckers!
These headlines are horrible.
"How Deborah Vance lost her way
and lost 'Late Night' in the process."
Oh, "Diva down.
"Talk show host's bizarre behavior
raises serious concerns."
Ever since you went to Singapore,
Bob Lipka has been smearing you
in the press.
But I defended you in all the comments
with my burner
@JoyceGoldblattChang.
Oh, my God.
"Deborah Vance's on-air break
why they cut the feed
before her meltdown."
- What?
- That's a bad one.
Oh, "Once an arsonist,
always an arsonist
Deborah Vance burns down
'Late Night.'"
God, I knew that social-media detox
was gonna bite me in the ass.
First I was tagged in some
very unflattering photos.
Now this?
There are hundreds of these.
Where are all the articles calling me
a free-speech warrior?
Well, there were some positive ones,
but they've been buried.
Of course, 'cause that bastard owns
- almost every news outlet.
- Oh, my God.
I think we've all read the stories.
Speaking of.
And, yeah, it's tragic.
Of course, I wish Deborah
had spoken to us first,
but, hey, it is a tough gig.
- Oh.
- [GROANS]
Not everyone's built for it.
We all just hope she gets well.
- "Gets well"?
- "Gets well"?
- "Gets well"?
- [SCREAMS]
No wonder the obituary was so bad.
They needed someone to blame,
so they blame me,
the crazy lady.
It's the fucking house fire
all over again.
We need to sue, okay?
And we need to get these
websites to issue a retraction.
- I don't think that's gonna
- No.
- Damage is already done.
- Fuck.
We need to shift the narrative
with something
bigger than all of this.
Like what?
I'll figure something out.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
So how you guys been? BOTH: Good.
♪
I think we should do a
couples costume for Halloween.
Well, what are you thinking?
- Bart and Lisa or
- Knock, knock.
Hey.
- May I?
- Sure.
[SIGHS] Regret to inform you
that Jeff Dunham is signing elsewhere.
- Ugh.
- Fuck!
But the meeting went so well.
I even got along
with his stupid-ass puppet.
All of our meetings go well,
and then they find out
we can't do business
with Bob Lipka's companies,
and they ghost us.
Well, it doesn't help
that our client list
is older, female,
and losing bone density
by the minute, Jimmy.
You don't have to tell me twice.
We lost two clients
to bad falls this month alone.
It's sad, and I don't want
to visit the hospital again.
Parking is a nightmare.
I didn't want to tell you
this, but we lost Lassie.
The dog signed somewhere else?
No, I mean, we literally lost her.
She ran away.
And she's not fixed, Jimmy.
She's probably taking loads
from every pittie from here
to Santa Clarita, that stupid whore.
All right, look,
I know this isn't popular.
No one's gonna want to hear this,
but I think we should revisit
the conversation
- about downsizing this office.
- No. We're not downsizing.
[THROUGH CLENCHED TEETH]
Don't make me say that again.
Kayla, the office,
the rent, the phones,
the insurance it costs
$30,000 a month to be here.
- It's worth it.
- Mm-hmm.
We're projecting success
to the industry.
I mean, there's already
nasty gossip going around
about us ever since you beat
the shit out of Bob Lipka.
I didn't beat the shit out of him.
I just knocked his phone
out of his hand.
We had a little scuffle.
The assistant Slack
is still abuzz, boss not good.
If we move now, it's a death knell.
- [PHONE VIBRATES, CHIMES]
- Okay, fine.
It's Damien.
He says Deborah wants to have
lunch in Vegas this afternoon.
Oh, my God, the last-minute flights
are gonna be so expensive
this is what I'm talking about.
Do you know what's free? Your BMW
which I just had vacuumed,
it's spotless.
You could eat an omakase off the dash.
Sure, but if we're gonna
drive and be there by lunch,
- we've got to go now.
- Road trip.
I'll drive. Don't worry.
I just got my license.
- "Just"?
- Shotgun.
Okay, I guess I'll sit
in the back of my own car?
All right ♪
♪
Come on ♪
- Wake up!
- [SCREAMS]
I figured it out.
What time is it?
Actually, what day is it?
Every obituary leads
with a person's greatest
achievement or failure.
That's why I need a win,
a legacy-defining win
- that they cannot spin!
- Okay.
I refuse to be remembered
on other people's terms
as a quitter or the person
who killed "Late Night"
or some hysterical woman.
I have worked too hard,
and I have fought far too long.
I will be remembered
for my accomplishments.
Yes.
So I have decided to EGOT.
- Uh, EGOT?
- Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony.
No, I know. Well, actually, I didn't.
I thought the G was for
Golden Globe, but I love that.
- I love that.
- Oh. Oh, good.
I kind of assumed
you'd think it was crazy.
No. I think I think it'd be
crazy if you did not do that.
- Right? Great.
- Yeah.
Come on, get up we're having
lunch with the team.
- Now!
- Lunch?
I'm still on Singapore Standard Time.
[DOOR CLOSES]
A midnight snack could be good.
I can feel my love ♪
I'm feeling it ♪
A super-fine feeling ♪
Super-fine feeling ♪
♪
Super fine, yeah ♪
That's right, it's me. I'm alive.
[CHUCKLES]
It's hard, but it's worth it.
I mean, I know EGOT is ambitious,
but I'm already halfway there.
I have a Daytime Emmy
for hosting "Bagongle."
- Yes. Oh, my God.
- "Bagongle."
- Yeah.
- Wait, what?
Oh, "Bagongle" was a game show
on the USA Network in 1992,
where celebrities played Boggle
on a constantly shaking floor.
So funny.
And I already have my Tony
for producing.
In a post-coital haze,
Eric Idle convinced me
to put some money into "Spamalot."
Anyway, I already have my T and my E.
So now I need you to get me my O.
Oh.
- O is for Oscar.
- No, I know what O stands for.
I just meant, oh, like a reaction.
- Oh, that's crazy.
- Yeah, wow.
Um, anyway, Deborah, I'm gonna
have to review your contract,
because I have to see
what you can even do legally.
- [TAPPING GLASS]
- Boss man, permission to speak.
Sure.
Now, the network
paid out Deborah's contract,
and they did it all
through her exclusivity clause,
not the noncompete.
Technically, she can't do
anything scripted or paid
TV, film, no new media.
They control her socials,
no live public performances.
And the contract specifies
Florida law governs.
And because Deborah already signed
her injunctive relief clause,
if she violates the contract,
they can come at her with
a restraining order or worse.
- You memorized all that?
- Inadvertently.
I mean, someone recently told
me they thought I was autistic.
- That was me this morning.
- Oh, yeah.
Anyway, she can technically
still film something now,
as long as it's not released
until the noncompete is over.
I like this young man.
Thing about an Oscar
No, Jimmy, it's not that difficult.
I mean, award voters
love it when funny people
go dead serious.
Yes.
Just find me my Mo'Nique moment.
- Well, I can set you up
- Oh, now, on to the Grammys.
Tragically, I have been nominated
for my stand-up records seven times.
- I have never won.
- "Seven"?
- I think it was seven.
- Mm-hmm.
"Not a Vance in Hell,"
"Under The Knife, Over The Drama,"
"Live at the Mall of America,"
"The Olestra Diaries,"
"Live Free or Diet,"
"The Deb Commandments,"
and "The Best Things in Life
Are at Sears:
Deborah Vance Live
Sponsored by Sears."
- So, yeah, seven.
- Robbed.
Now, I know I can't do
stand-up right now,
so I'm taking a different route.
I'm gonna compete
in the Best Audiobook category
by recording my memoir.
You wrote a memoir? That's great.
Well, no, not yet,
but I happen to know
the best writer in the world.
- Aw.
- Tony Kushner.
Hey, what about me?
You can't write my memoir.
You're too obsessed with me.
It's cool.
I gave up
on developing my prose skills
when I realized Gen Alpha can't read.
All right, everybody, let's go.
G-O stands for Grammy, Oscar.
- Yeah.
- I'm not scared.
- A Grammy and an Oscar? Ava
- No, I know, okay?
But you don't understand
how bad it got in Singapore.
She was sleeping all day.
She was drinking till noon.
Jimmy, she wore Crocs in public.
- Did the Crocs have a heel?
- No.
But she keeps her heels on
during surgery.
Yeah, so that's why,
whatever she wants to do,
- we need to get on board, okay?
- Okay.
Yeah. A-and you know what?
I guess she has done
crazier things, right?
Yes, of course.
She can do anything.
We can do anything.
Speaking of which,
I need you to write and sell
a huge international hit
that has potential for sequels.
- Can you do that?
- I
Look, I would I would never
normally pressure a client
to help our firm financially, but
we really need it.
We've had a tough few months.
Jimmy, she gave up the show for me.
You know, I have to stay and help her.
- I'm sorry. I
- No, no, no, I get that.
Actually, I did finish
my "Mall Girl" script
in Singapore I could send you that.
Amazing. Okay, great.
You send that to me,
and, um, I guess
I'll go get Deborah an Academy Award.
Perfect.
Great to see you.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
Mr. Kushner, um, I just want to say
it it's such an honor
to observe the writing process
of one of my heroes.
I mean, "Angels in America"
was just so formative for me.
Oh, that's sweet.
She's just shadowing,
so feel free to ignore her.
- I often do.
- Oh.
So, Tony, where do we start?
I'm thinking a chapter a day,
15 chapters,
we should be able to wrap
this up in two weeks, easy.
Uh, we're gonna need
far longer than that.
I really believe
in an immersive process.
Oh. Okay.
Well, I don't I don't tend to love
those whiny childhood parts
of most celebrity memoirs.
But then again,
I was a very strong child.
I held up my own head
at three months old
my little blonde head.
- Oh, wow.
- I know.
Oh, that would make
a great opening sentence.
Quote "I was born blonde."
I actually want to start
way before that.
Since your people descend
from Scotland,
I've been reading
"The Lion in the North:
One Thousand Years
of Scotland's History."
Did you know that
your eighth great-grandfather
was a prominent figure
in the Battle of Glen Fruin?
I didn't.
It's really fascinating stuff.
It starts with the MacGregor clan.
They were in a feud
with the Coughlin clan
over cattle thefts and land thefts.
This is, like, at the beginning
of the 17th century,
when James VI, who was a big homo,
moved to England to become James I.
And it was the start
of the Jacobian era
and the translation
of the King James Bible
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Thank you.
Okay, what if Deborah produces
a documentary short?
That's got to be
an easy category, right?
There's no way Deborah's
getting into that category this year.
I mean, do you see
how many ongoing wars
we have going on right now?
There's at least a nominee
coming out of each.
Unless Deborah wants to drag
a film crew through the Congo,
it's not happening.
- God, this is impossible.
- It is.
Is it, though? Because
correct me if I'm wrong
there already is a movie
with early Oscar buzz
that Deborah has a connection to.
Which one?
The Fatty Arbuckle movie, Jimmy.
The one you're producing. Hello?
Hi, yeah, no, that's
the only project we have
without Deborah
or a rabid dog attached.
- Absolutely not. No.
- [GROANS]
And dare I say,
I'm proud of my work on it.
- Thank you very much.
- It's an award-season dream.
I mean, it's a biopic.
It's got famous actors
playing against type.
It's a period piece.
It's got everything.
She just needs a small part.
Do you know that Beatrice Straight
won the Oscar for "Network,"
despite having only
five minutes of screen time?
- Five minutes.
- I didn't know that.
Had no idea. But it doesn't matter.
We're already finished shooting.
- Don't we have to do reshoots?
- Mm!
No, we are doing
additional photography.
- Reshoots.
- Great!
We are doing additional photography.
It is different than a reshoot.
Different thing.
Christopher Plummer was nominated
for a performance done entirely
within additional photography.
Thank you.
Wow, how do you know all this stuff?
Once I started learning about
Hollywood, I couldn't stop.
Such a fascinating mix
of culture and business
and art and history.
It's America.
I mean, maybe if she was
Australian, I could see it.
Mm.
But, no, look, the Arbuckle movie
is the only thing
that's going well for our firm.
- I can't mess it up.
- All right, whatever you say.
Maybe she could learn sound mixing
and rise to the top of her
field in the next two weeks?
The worst idea I've ever heard.
Hey, there are no bad ideas, but
No, it's okay. I probably
shouldn't have said anything.
- Mm.
- Fuck!
You got to be
more sensitive to her, okay?
Kayla. Kayla, honey, it's okay.
You know what? There are
no bad ideas in a brainstorm.
And it's really hard to get an Oscar.
They're trying
to break up our home ♪
But God bless the child
that's got his own ♪
♪
Okay, so today let's start
with high school.
I was gorgeous, smart, and popular.
College, same.
Now, that's when Frank came in.
Before we get into that,
let me just play you something.
And I stood there
shivering in my pajamas.
I think this is the soundtrack
for the first chapter of the book.
And when it was all over,
I said to myself
Books don't have soundtracks.
No, the soundtrack I'll listen to
while I write that section
of your life.
Oh, my God, that is
such a cool way to do it.
God, when I write, I just
change out of my sleep pajamas
to my daytime pajamas. [CHUCKLES]
Maybe close your eyes
to really feel it?
I-I-I don't know.
I have a Pulitzer.
Uh, mm. [CHUCKLES, CLEARS THROAT]
Let's break out the booze ♪
Ooh, wow.
This does feel good.
Right? She gets it.
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
If that's all ♪
Oh, I love this song.
Hi, Tony.
ALL: Is that all there is? ♪
Is that all there is? ♪
If that's all there is, my friends ♪
Then let's keep dancing ♪
- [THUNDER BOOMS]
- Oh, Fatty, I can't be alone.
I wish I could hold you
just one more time.
[SOBBING]
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but Deborah actually
would be better for this part.
Uh, yeah, anybody would.
- Let's cut.
- Cutting.
I'm sorry, guys, I'm
I'm really having trouble
accessing the emotions today.
No, no, no, darling,
you're doing fantastic.
We love it.
I hate it. She's so bad.
Yeah, she's been horrible all day.
Do you think
that maybe she'd be better
if we put peanut butter
on the roof of her mouth?
What?
We recently did the "Lassie" reboot.
- She's kidding, I think. I hope.
- I'm not kidding.
Look, I hate to say this,
but I do think we should recast her.
- You do? That's a good idea.
- Oh, fuck.
I mean, this movie's
about a comedian, right?
And it's leaning a little maudlin.
I think you should put
a comedian in the role.
Right?
What about Deborah Vance?
It's an interesting idea.
- Does she act at all?
- Are you kidding?
She was the lead
of "Who's Making Dinner?!"
Groundbreaking sitcom in the '70s?
- She's great in that.
- And you know what is crazy?
Her story is exactly like Fatty's.
I mean, she was cast aside
by the public.
She was maligned, but then
she rose from the ashes.
It's actually really good
for the narrative,
and I think she'd be
amazing in the part.
That was very inspired, Kayla.
That's a great idea.
I just totally came up with it.
Didn't she go crazy
or something recently?
No, no, no, that was
a coordinated smear campaign.
That is absolutely false.
I can tell you as her manager,
all those things you've read
Something not true.
She's sassier than ever.
Okay, great. I love it.
- Let's do it.
- Okay.
- Awesome.
- Oh, my gosh.
And you have to fire Esme,
because I'm not good
at being direct with people.
- You're a director.
- I know.
Okay.
Great. Cool.
- Moving on, everyone.
- All right, moving on.
Moving on.
God, I can't believe you're
recording the book already.
Oh, no, no, the book's not happening.
I fired Kushner.
- You fired Tony Kushner?
- Mm-hmm.
No, Deborah.
God, I was gonna slowly develop
a relationship with him
over the course of years
and then eventually ask him
to read my script,
and he was gonna love it.
You know how it is with men.
If they're not moving at your pace,
it just gets boring
and painful after a while.
Okay, so why are we
in a recording studio, then?
I had McKinsey run the numbers
to see if I could still get
a Grammy this year.
Deborah, we talked
about you not using McKinsey.
You said I could do it
if it was for a good cause.
- No, I didn't.
- Well, it is, and I did.
Apparently,
it is an incredibly weak year
for one Grammy category.
Regional Mexican Music Album,
including Tejano.
And?
And if I'm featured
with the front-runner
and they win, which they will
'cause it's a weak year,
I get my G.
Yay.
Hey, Deborah, we're ready for you.
Thanks.
- Okay, wish me luck.
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
- Did you know about this?
- Yes.
Buenos días.
- Hi, hi.
- Hello. How you doing?
- Good.
- All right.
Yeah.
Hit it.
[LIVELY TEJANO MUSIC PLAYING]
[BOTH SINGING IN SPANISH]
♪
Oh, God, I hate firing people.
Let's do good cop, bad cop.
I'll be bad cop. They're sexier.
Okay. Just Okay.
We should see a concert soon.
I'm kind of in the mood for a concert.
All right.
Come in.
Hi, there. It's, uh, Jimmy and Kayla.
- Hi. Yeah, hi.
- Hi.
- [DOOR SLAMS]
- We need to talk to you, honey.
O-okay. Sure. C-come on in.
Oh, thank you so much
for welcoming us into your space.
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- Of course.
Um, we should start
by saying that you, madam,
have been just so punctual.
[CHUCKLES] Of course I'm punctual.
That being said, you're bad!
Your acting's ass
and you're being outperformed
by a dead corpse, mama!
Okay. Sorry about her.
Give us a second.
That was insane,
but, honestly, it's on me.
I should've never let you be bad cop.
- You be good cop.
- Okay.
Kind of an oxymoron, though.
Fucking pigs.
Just be as nice
as you possibly can, okay?
Okay. I'll be the nicest girl
in the whole world.
Sorry about that, hon.
I'm super bipolar.
Oh, my God. I did not know that.
[SIGHS] Yeah, I, uh
I-I'm really sorry about that.
But, unfortunately,
I do have some bad news.
Okay.
Are those your real lips?
If so, your boyfriend's
one lucky son of a bitch.
Uh, I-I-I have a-a-a wife.
Oh, gay ass.
Listen, there's no easy way
to say this.
You are being recast.
- What?
- Oh, my God.
You are terminated
effective immediately.
Please pack up your things
and return your costume
- and the wig cap.
- Fuck you, Jimmy!
- Seriously?
- What?
I mean, this is so unfair, right?
Insane, wrong.
Let's get the union involved.
You jackass!
No, we're not getting
the union involved.
We're just recasting.
It happens every day.
No, I mean, seriously, you've been
- mistreated in the workplace.
- No, she hasn't.
This is just a recasting.
It happens every day
in Hollywood, okay?
I've never seen something like this.
It's a tough business.
It happens a lot, okay?
Unfortunately, this decision
is final you're fired.
But you're also signed
by us as a client.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- Kayla.
- I am seeking representation.
Well, you found it
with Schaefer & LuSaque.
- Welcome to the family.
- Oh, Jesus
Oh, my God.
Yeah, we should definitely
get a dinner on the books.
Yay!
- [LAUGHING]
- Dinner, dinner, dinner.
Too close for comfort ♪
Danced too good and slow ♪
I consider myself a playwright
who's learned to write screenplays,
or perhaps I should say,
I'm a playwright
who's learned to write screenplays
- for Steven Spielberg.
- [LAUGHTER]
- Hello.
- Oh, hey. What's up?
I've been thinking.
The real way to cement my legacy
is for me to primary AOC.
What do you think?
Oh, um yeah.
Yeah, totally. That sounds good.
I-I guess we would have to get
you a New York address first
in the Bronx that could be cool.
We could hang out there.
I heart New York.
I would love to hang out
in New York City a lot more.
I would love that. It would be great.
Okay, that's it.
What is wrong with you?
[CHUCKLES] Nothing.
What are you talking about?
You're not challenging me
in your normal
"well, haven't you ever
considered" Ava way.
I'm just trying to be supportive.
Well, I don't need a yes-man.
I need a no-woman to ignore.
Okay, well fine.
Uh, yeah, things
got really dark in Singapore,
and it was really scary
seeing you that way.
And now you're back,
and you're motivated,
and it's just nice
to see you getting out of bed
every day excited.
Well, okay.
But, you know, I do sometimes
need you to be honest with me.
Okay, well, I don't think
performing Tejano music
is how you want to
rewrite your legacy.
¿Por qué no?
[CHUCKLES]
I just I don't know that, like,
trying to find some loophole
to game the system
in an obscure awards category
is what you want to be
remembered for, is it?
Maybe.
I mean, this noncompete could
be a blessing in disguise.
I could discover something new
I'm brilliant at,
my my true calling.
I mean, look at Woody Allen.
He's a gifted clarinetist.
Doll, Woody Allen
is not gonna be remembered
for playing the clarinet or the movies
or the bucket hat.
It's gonna be the other thing, okay?
And you are gonna be remembered
for comedy,
because you're a comedian.
You said it yourself in your
final monologue, remember?
Oh, God, I don't remember what I said.
- I certainly haven't watched it.
- Yeah, well, maybe you should.
Okay, what is the biggest
achievement for a comedian?
- Beating a rape trial.
- Seriously.
Hosting a late-night show.
Come on. Anything else?
Selling out Madison Square Garden.
Okay, great.
But I can't do that.
- I can't perform.
- I know.
And I don't know
how to get around that.
I don't know what to do.
So you have a bump but no pitch.
Yeah. I'm sorry.
Yeah, me too.
[SOMBER MUSIC]
♪
I'm going to bed.
♪
- Good night.
- Good night.
♪
[TV CHIMES]
What?
Ava!
No results. Unbelievable.
Yeah, they've taken down
every "Late Night" clip.
This is criminal.
Hang on.
Oh, shit.
What?
They took down "My Bad," too.
What?
Why would my special be gone?
Because it's on their streamer.
Bob Lipka controls that, too.
They fucking scrubbed everything.
Everything.
Everything that we have worked
on for the past five years
is gone.
They're not just rewriting me,
they are erasing me!
I'm so sorry.
You know, the last time
the press smeared me,
I just let them.
I leaned into it, but not this time.
This time I am writing my story,
'cause you're right
I am a comedian.
And I'm doing comedy, and
I'm doing it tomorrow night.
Totally. Super support you.
But how are you gonna
Call Jimmy, manager.
Being let go is a normal
part of the business.
- Yeah.
- I'm sure she'll be okay.
Thank you, Orna.
But, again, I do want to revisit
working on your boundaries
with clients.
Yes, I've been thinking
about that a lot
- [PHONE VIBRATING]
- And I, um Oh, shoot.
You know what? Deborah's calling.
Same time next week? Great.
Hey, Deborah.
Hi. Hi, hi, hi.
I hope it's not too late.
No, no, this is great.
I actually want to talk to you.
I just figured
it was too late for you.
Are you ready for your
close-up, Miss De-Vance?
- What?
- I got you a part.
Your Oscar is just
one great performance,
nomination, flawless campaign,
and win away.
No, I'm over that.
Don't need an Oscar anymore.
No, yes, you do. You need it.
You told me you needed it,
and and we recast somebody.
We're putting you
on the call sheet right now.
Jimmy, I'm doing stand-up tomorrow.
Oh, no. You're sundowning, darling.
You cannot perform.
No, I'm gonna do a secret show.
We're gonna confiscate phones.
Well, no venue's gonna agree to that.
They don't have to.
I know a guy.
Password?
Hermès Kelly 28 croc, gold hardware.
[UPBEAT FUNKY MUSIC]
Follow me. You made it just in time.
♪
Phones, please.
If your babysitter calls,
Damien here will handle it.
And if you try to sneak in
a device, you will be Tased.
They are good.
Follow me and watch your step.
We are not liable if you fall, ladies!
Open any hard candy now.
So help me God, if I hear
a rustle, you're gone.
Sit.
Right this way.
Front row, best seat in the house
you do have to sit
on the floor, though.
- Sorry about that.
- Did you get your mom yet?
The Arbuckle movie is freaking out.
All right, let me try her again.
[BOTH SIGH]
[LINE TRILLING]
- [PHONE RINGING]
- I'm so sorry, everybody.
I'm so sorry.
- Cut.
- [BELL RINGS]
Oh, it's it's my son calling.
He's been trying to reach me.
Hi, honey. What's going on?
You know that we shoot
until midnight every night.
I know, I'm sorry. Just listen.
I got you a role
in the Fatty Arbuckle movie.
- Okay. Say more.
- Here's the only issue.
We lose our location Saturday,
so we have to shoot tomorrow.
Can you be off book
for eight pages by morning?
Baby, are you kidding? I'm in soaps.
I could be off book
for "Hamlet" in 20 minutes.
Oh, great. Okay.
Oh, the show's starting.
I got to go. I'll text you.
All right. Love you.
Okay, my mom is in. She's gonna do it.
Yes.
AUDIENCE: [CHANTING]
Deborah, Deborah, Deborah!
Deborah, Deborah, Deborah!
Deborah, Deborah, Deborah!
Deborah, Deborah, Deborah!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Deborah, we love you!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE]
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY, CHUCKLES]
Thank you. Um
Oh, thank you.
Here I am, back from the dead.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- [CHUCKLES]
You know, when a man does that,
he's the Son of God.
When a woman does it, she's
held for questioning at LAX.
[LAUGHTER]
The only other time
I was mistaken for a corpse
was when I let
a straight man do my makeup.
You know, when you're away
from the spotlight
you have time to think
about what really matters.
The spotlight!
God, I am glad to be back!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
Oh, can I try that again?
Mm.
Oh, that that is fierce.
- Stunning. Stunning.
- Look at that.
- Oh.
- Excuse me.
Are you Deborah Vance?
[CHUCKLES] Yes, I'm alive.
And you've been served.
Bitch!
Shit, ye there's a video
of you from the show online.
I can't believe Bob's people
found it so quickly.
Looks like we're going to court.
Ma'am, we need that ring back.
She'll give it back when she's ready.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
CROWD: [CHANTING]
Free Deborah! Free Deborah!
[REPORTERS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
Let us through!
Let us through, please!
- Deborah!
- Deborah!
Deborah, your comments on today?
Deborah.
- Ms. Vance.
- Deborah, care to comment?
[REPORTERS CONTINUE SHOUTING
INDISTINCTLY]
Move back! Move back!
Coming through.
Come on, guys, back up.
We've just learned the judge has ruled
that due to ComStar's investment
in promoting Deborah Vance
as the host of "Late Night,"
the clause barring her from performing
is, in fact, enforceable.
A temporary restraining order
will be put in place
until a full trial can be set.
This is a huge loss
for Ms. Vance and her team.
- We'll be covering
- Deborah, Deborah!
Okay, give us some space, please.
- Just stay back.
- [SHOUTING SUBSIDES]
Free speech is under attack
in this country.
And today I have been told
that I cannot so much
as perform one single joke,
or I will go to jail.
But they can't censor me forever.
The moment that my contract expires,
I will be speaking my truth.
In fact, I'll be shouting it
at my comeback show
at the world's most famous arena,
Madison Square Garden.
- Thank you.
- [REPORTERS CLAMORING]
Excuse us, guys. Excuse us, please.
Back it up. Back up.
Give us some room. Thank you.
- The Garden?
- Yep.
It's the ultimate win for a comedian.
And if I sell it out,
I'll be one of only
a handful who've ever done it.
And that will be my legacy.
You know, for a woman
who can't be on camera,
- you just got a lot of airtime.
- Mm-hmm.
Wait, you leaked
that video, didn't you?
- No.
- I did.
That was a great pitch.
- We had to announce somehow.
- Hmm.
Oh, my God.
I ain't been licked ♪
No, no, no ♪
I ain't been licked ♪
Oh, yeah ♪
sync & corrections awaqeded
I ain't been licked ♪
Ooh, no, no ♪
I ain't been licked ♪
Tell 'em for me ♪
I ain't been licked ♪
Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
Like out of nowhere,
my whole world fell apart ♪
Till this day, no one knows ♪
What I felt in my heart ♪
All those precious things
inside me tried to still ♪
Hands I thought would help
pushed me over the hill ♪
Keep a-holding me down, but I rise ♪
Yes, it can be done ♪
Keep a-holding me down, but I rise ♪
They can't make me run ♪
Keep a-holding me down, but I rise ♪
Got my second wind ♪
Keep a-holding me down, but I rise ♪
Tell 'em I'm back again ♪
- Just say ♪
- I ain't been licked ♪
I ain't been licked, oh, no ♪
I ain't been licked ♪
No, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
I ain't been licked ♪
Tell 'em for me ♪
I ain't been licked ♪
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, yeah ♪
[CHOIR SINGING IN LATIN]
[SOMBER CHORAL MUSIC]
♪
[TIRES SCREECH]
Oh, my God. Look at this.
[ALL SCREAMING]
Sh she has risen!
No, no!
I was never dead.
TMZ got a bad tip.
They issued a retraction this morning.
But they said they carried
your body off a boat
in Singapore, and you didn't make it.
What?
[SLOWLY] They said
they carried your body
off a boat in Singapore,
and you didn't make it.
No, yeah.
No, no, no, I didn't make it
to the hospital.
- [ALL GASP]
- I came to in the ambulance.
I had them reroute me to my hotel.
- Oh, hallelujah.
- Thank You, Jesus.
We didn't want to believe it,
but it made sense because of your
you know, your, um
your your breakdown.
My breakdown?
Yeah, at "Late Night."
It was all over the news
that you went cuckoo.
[UPBEAT GOSPEL MUSIC]
♪
Deborah Vance is alive!
- Yes! Oh, yes!
- [BOTH CHEERING]
[ENGINE TURNING OVER, TIRES SQUEALING]
- You saved me ♪
- Yes, you did ♪
- Uh-huh, yeah ♪
- Yes, you did ♪
I wanna thank you for me ♪
- [DOG BARKING]
- Motherfuckers!
These headlines are horrible.
"How Deborah Vance lost her way
and lost 'Late Night' in the process."
Oh, "Diva down.
"Talk show host's bizarre behavior
raises serious concerns."
Ever since you went to Singapore,
Bob Lipka has been smearing you
in the press.
But I defended you in all the comments
with my burner
@JoyceGoldblattChang.
Oh, my God.
"Deborah Vance's on-air break
why they cut the feed
before her meltdown."
- What?
- That's a bad one.
Oh, "Once an arsonist,
always an arsonist
Deborah Vance burns down
'Late Night.'"
God, I knew that social-media detox
was gonna bite me in the ass.
First I was tagged in some
very unflattering photos.
Now this?
There are hundreds of these.
Where are all the articles calling me
a free-speech warrior?
Well, there were some positive ones,
but they've been buried.
Of course, 'cause that bastard owns
- almost every news outlet.
- Oh, my God.
I think we've all read the stories.
Speaking of.
And, yeah, it's tragic.
Of course, I wish Deborah
had spoken to us first,
but, hey, it is a tough gig.
- Oh.
- [GROANS]
Not everyone's built for it.
We all just hope she gets well.
- "Gets well"?
- "Gets well"?
- "Gets well"?
- [SCREAMS]
No wonder the obituary was so bad.
They needed someone to blame,
so they blame me,
the crazy lady.
It's the fucking house fire
all over again.
We need to sue, okay?
And we need to get these
websites to issue a retraction.
- I don't think that's gonna
- No.
- Damage is already done.
- Fuck.
We need to shift the narrative
with something
bigger than all of this.
Like what?
I'll figure something out.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
So how you guys been? BOTH: Good.
♪
I think we should do a
couples costume for Halloween.
Well, what are you thinking?
- Bart and Lisa or
- Knock, knock.
Hey.
- May I?
- Sure.
[SIGHS] Regret to inform you
that Jeff Dunham is signing elsewhere.
- Ugh.
- Fuck!
But the meeting went so well.
I even got along
with his stupid-ass puppet.
All of our meetings go well,
and then they find out
we can't do business
with Bob Lipka's companies,
and they ghost us.
Well, it doesn't help
that our client list
is older, female,
and losing bone density
by the minute, Jimmy.
You don't have to tell me twice.
We lost two clients
to bad falls this month alone.
It's sad, and I don't want
to visit the hospital again.
Parking is a nightmare.
I didn't want to tell you
this, but we lost Lassie.
The dog signed somewhere else?
No, I mean, we literally lost her.
She ran away.
And she's not fixed, Jimmy.
She's probably taking loads
from every pittie from here
to Santa Clarita, that stupid whore.
All right, look,
I know this isn't popular.
No one's gonna want to hear this,
but I think we should revisit
the conversation
- about downsizing this office.
- No. We're not downsizing.
[THROUGH CLENCHED TEETH]
Don't make me say that again.
Kayla, the office,
the rent, the phones,
the insurance it costs
$30,000 a month to be here.
- It's worth it.
- Mm-hmm.
We're projecting success
to the industry.
I mean, there's already
nasty gossip going around
about us ever since you beat
the shit out of Bob Lipka.
I didn't beat the shit out of him.
I just knocked his phone
out of his hand.
We had a little scuffle.
The assistant Slack
is still abuzz, boss not good.
If we move now, it's a death knell.
- [PHONE VIBRATES, CHIMES]
- Okay, fine.
It's Damien.
He says Deborah wants to have
lunch in Vegas this afternoon.
Oh, my God, the last-minute flights
are gonna be so expensive
this is what I'm talking about.
Do you know what's free? Your BMW
which I just had vacuumed,
it's spotless.
You could eat an omakase off the dash.
Sure, but if we're gonna
drive and be there by lunch,
- we've got to go now.
- Road trip.
I'll drive. Don't worry.
I just got my license.
- "Just"?
- Shotgun.
Okay, I guess I'll sit
in the back of my own car?
All right ♪
♪
Come on ♪
- Wake up!
- [SCREAMS]
I figured it out.
What time is it?
Actually, what day is it?
Every obituary leads
with a person's greatest
achievement or failure.
That's why I need a win,
a legacy-defining win
- that they cannot spin!
- Okay.
I refuse to be remembered
on other people's terms
as a quitter or the person
who killed "Late Night"
or some hysterical woman.
I have worked too hard,
and I have fought far too long.
I will be remembered
for my accomplishments.
Yes.
So I have decided to EGOT.
- Uh, EGOT?
- Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony.
No, I know. Well, actually, I didn't.
I thought the G was for
Golden Globe, but I love that.
- I love that.
- Oh. Oh, good.
I kind of assumed
you'd think it was crazy.
No. I think I think it'd be
crazy if you did not do that.
- Right? Great.
- Yeah.
Come on, get up we're having
lunch with the team.
- Now!
- Lunch?
I'm still on Singapore Standard Time.
[DOOR CLOSES]
A midnight snack could be good.
I can feel my love ♪
I'm feeling it ♪
A super-fine feeling ♪
Super-fine feeling ♪
♪
Super fine, yeah ♪
That's right, it's me. I'm alive.
[CHUCKLES]
It's hard, but it's worth it.
I mean, I know EGOT is ambitious,
but I'm already halfway there.
I have a Daytime Emmy
for hosting "Bagongle."
- Yes. Oh, my God.
- "Bagongle."
- Yeah.
- Wait, what?
Oh, "Bagongle" was a game show
on the USA Network in 1992,
where celebrities played Boggle
on a constantly shaking floor.
So funny.
And I already have my Tony
for producing.
In a post-coital haze,
Eric Idle convinced me
to put some money into "Spamalot."
Anyway, I already have my T and my E.
So now I need you to get me my O.
Oh.
- O is for Oscar.
- No, I know what O stands for.
I just meant, oh, like a reaction.
- Oh, that's crazy.
- Yeah, wow.
Um, anyway, Deborah, I'm gonna
have to review your contract,
because I have to see
what you can even do legally.
- [TAPPING GLASS]
- Boss man, permission to speak.
Sure.
Now, the network
paid out Deborah's contract,
and they did it all
through her exclusivity clause,
not the noncompete.
Technically, she can't do
anything scripted or paid
TV, film, no new media.
They control her socials,
no live public performances.
And the contract specifies
Florida law governs.
And because Deborah already signed
her injunctive relief clause,
if she violates the contract,
they can come at her with
a restraining order or worse.
- You memorized all that?
- Inadvertently.
I mean, someone recently told
me they thought I was autistic.
- That was me this morning.
- Oh, yeah.
Anyway, she can technically
still film something now,
as long as it's not released
until the noncompete is over.
I like this young man.
Thing about an Oscar
No, Jimmy, it's not that difficult.
I mean, award voters
love it when funny people
go dead serious.
Yes.
Just find me my Mo'Nique moment.
- Well, I can set you up
- Oh, now, on to the Grammys.
Tragically, I have been nominated
for my stand-up records seven times.
- I have never won.
- "Seven"?
- I think it was seven.
- Mm-hmm.
"Not a Vance in Hell,"
"Under The Knife, Over The Drama,"
"Live at the Mall of America,"
"The Olestra Diaries,"
"Live Free or Diet,"
"The Deb Commandments,"
and "The Best Things in Life
Are at Sears:
Deborah Vance Live
Sponsored by Sears."
- So, yeah, seven.
- Robbed.
Now, I know I can't do
stand-up right now,
so I'm taking a different route.
I'm gonna compete
in the Best Audiobook category
by recording my memoir.
You wrote a memoir? That's great.
Well, no, not yet,
but I happen to know
the best writer in the world.
- Aw.
- Tony Kushner.
Hey, what about me?
You can't write my memoir.
You're too obsessed with me.
It's cool.
I gave up
on developing my prose skills
when I realized Gen Alpha can't read.
All right, everybody, let's go.
G-O stands for Grammy, Oscar.
- Yeah.
- I'm not scared.
- A Grammy and an Oscar? Ava
- No, I know, okay?
But you don't understand
how bad it got in Singapore.
She was sleeping all day.
She was drinking till noon.
Jimmy, she wore Crocs in public.
- Did the Crocs have a heel?
- No.
But she keeps her heels on
during surgery.
Yeah, so that's why,
whatever she wants to do,
- we need to get on board, okay?
- Okay.
Yeah. A-and you know what?
I guess she has done
crazier things, right?
Yes, of course.
She can do anything.
We can do anything.
Speaking of which,
I need you to write and sell
a huge international hit
that has potential for sequels.
- Can you do that?
- I
Look, I would I would never
normally pressure a client
to help our firm financially, but
we really need it.
We've had a tough few months.
Jimmy, she gave up the show for me.
You know, I have to stay and help her.
- I'm sorry. I
- No, no, no, I get that.
Actually, I did finish
my "Mall Girl" script
in Singapore I could send you that.
Amazing. Okay, great.
You send that to me,
and, um, I guess
I'll go get Deborah an Academy Award.
Perfect.
Great to see you.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
Mr. Kushner, um, I just want to say
it it's such an honor
to observe the writing process
of one of my heroes.
I mean, "Angels in America"
was just so formative for me.
Oh, that's sweet.
She's just shadowing,
so feel free to ignore her.
- I often do.
- Oh.
So, Tony, where do we start?
I'm thinking a chapter a day,
15 chapters,
we should be able to wrap
this up in two weeks, easy.
Uh, we're gonna need
far longer than that.
I really believe
in an immersive process.
Oh. Okay.
Well, I don't I don't tend to love
those whiny childhood parts
of most celebrity memoirs.
But then again,
I was a very strong child.
I held up my own head
at three months old
my little blonde head.
- Oh, wow.
- I know.
Oh, that would make
a great opening sentence.
Quote "I was born blonde."
I actually want to start
way before that.
Since your people descend
from Scotland,
I've been reading
"The Lion in the North:
One Thousand Years
of Scotland's History."
Did you know that
your eighth great-grandfather
was a prominent figure
in the Battle of Glen Fruin?
I didn't.
It's really fascinating stuff.
It starts with the MacGregor clan.
They were in a feud
with the Coughlin clan
over cattle thefts and land thefts.
This is, like, at the beginning
of the 17th century,
when James VI, who was a big homo,
moved to England to become James I.
And it was the start
of the Jacobian era
and the translation
of the King James Bible
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Thank you.
Okay, what if Deborah produces
a documentary short?
That's got to be
an easy category, right?
There's no way Deborah's
getting into that category this year.
I mean, do you see
how many ongoing wars
we have going on right now?
There's at least a nominee
coming out of each.
Unless Deborah wants to drag
a film crew through the Congo,
it's not happening.
- God, this is impossible.
- It is.
Is it, though? Because
correct me if I'm wrong
there already is a movie
with early Oscar buzz
that Deborah has a connection to.
Which one?
The Fatty Arbuckle movie, Jimmy.
The one you're producing. Hello?
Hi, yeah, no, that's
the only project we have
without Deborah
or a rabid dog attached.
- Absolutely not. No.
- [GROANS]
And dare I say,
I'm proud of my work on it.
- Thank you very much.
- It's an award-season dream.
I mean, it's a biopic.
It's got famous actors
playing against type.
It's a period piece.
It's got everything.
She just needs a small part.
Do you know that Beatrice Straight
won the Oscar for "Network,"
despite having only
five minutes of screen time?
- Five minutes.
- I didn't know that.
Had no idea. But it doesn't matter.
We're already finished shooting.
- Don't we have to do reshoots?
- Mm!
No, we are doing
additional photography.
- Reshoots.
- Great!
We are doing additional photography.
It is different than a reshoot.
Different thing.
Christopher Plummer was nominated
for a performance done entirely
within additional photography.
Thank you.
Wow, how do you know all this stuff?
Once I started learning about
Hollywood, I couldn't stop.
Such a fascinating mix
of culture and business
and art and history.
It's America.
I mean, maybe if she was
Australian, I could see it.
Mm.
But, no, look, the Arbuckle movie
is the only thing
that's going well for our firm.
- I can't mess it up.
- All right, whatever you say.
Maybe she could learn sound mixing
and rise to the top of her
field in the next two weeks?
The worst idea I've ever heard.
Hey, there are no bad ideas, but
No, it's okay. I probably
shouldn't have said anything.
- Mm.
- Fuck!
You got to be
more sensitive to her, okay?
Kayla. Kayla, honey, it's okay.
You know what? There are
no bad ideas in a brainstorm.
And it's really hard to get an Oscar.
They're trying
to break up our home ♪
But God bless the child
that's got his own ♪
♪
Okay, so today let's start
with high school.
I was gorgeous, smart, and popular.
College, same.
Now, that's when Frank came in.
Before we get into that,
let me just play you something.
And I stood there
shivering in my pajamas.
I think this is the soundtrack
for the first chapter of the book.
And when it was all over,
I said to myself
Books don't have soundtracks.
No, the soundtrack I'll listen to
while I write that section
of your life.
Oh, my God, that is
such a cool way to do it.
God, when I write, I just
change out of my sleep pajamas
to my daytime pajamas. [CHUCKLES]
Maybe close your eyes
to really feel it?
I-I-I don't know.
I have a Pulitzer.
Uh, mm. [CHUCKLES, CLEARS THROAT]
Let's break out the booze ♪
Ooh, wow.
This does feel good.
Right? She gets it.
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
If that's all ♪
Oh, I love this song.
Hi, Tony.
ALL: Is that all there is? ♪
Is that all there is? ♪
If that's all there is, my friends ♪
Then let's keep dancing ♪
- [THUNDER BOOMS]
- Oh, Fatty, I can't be alone.
I wish I could hold you
just one more time.
[SOBBING]
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but Deborah actually
would be better for this part.
Uh, yeah, anybody would.
- Let's cut.
- Cutting.
I'm sorry, guys, I'm
I'm really having trouble
accessing the emotions today.
No, no, no, darling,
you're doing fantastic.
We love it.
I hate it. She's so bad.
Yeah, she's been horrible all day.
Do you think
that maybe she'd be better
if we put peanut butter
on the roof of her mouth?
What?
We recently did the "Lassie" reboot.
- She's kidding, I think. I hope.
- I'm not kidding.
Look, I hate to say this,
but I do think we should recast her.
- You do? That's a good idea.
- Oh, fuck.
I mean, this movie's
about a comedian, right?
And it's leaning a little maudlin.
I think you should put
a comedian in the role.
Right?
What about Deborah Vance?
It's an interesting idea.
- Does she act at all?
- Are you kidding?
She was the lead
of "Who's Making Dinner?!"
Groundbreaking sitcom in the '70s?
- She's great in that.
- And you know what is crazy?
Her story is exactly like Fatty's.
I mean, she was cast aside
by the public.
She was maligned, but then
she rose from the ashes.
It's actually really good
for the narrative,
and I think she'd be
amazing in the part.
That was very inspired, Kayla.
That's a great idea.
I just totally came up with it.
Didn't she go crazy
or something recently?
No, no, no, that was
a coordinated smear campaign.
That is absolutely false.
I can tell you as her manager,
all those things you've read
Something not true.
She's sassier than ever.
Okay, great. I love it.
- Let's do it.
- Okay.
- Awesome.
- Oh, my gosh.
And you have to fire Esme,
because I'm not good
at being direct with people.
- You're a director.
- I know.
Okay.
Great. Cool.
- Moving on, everyone.
- All right, moving on.
Moving on.
God, I can't believe you're
recording the book already.
Oh, no, no, the book's not happening.
I fired Kushner.
- You fired Tony Kushner?
- Mm-hmm.
No, Deborah.
God, I was gonna slowly develop
a relationship with him
over the course of years
and then eventually ask him
to read my script,
and he was gonna love it.
You know how it is with men.
If they're not moving at your pace,
it just gets boring
and painful after a while.
Okay, so why are we
in a recording studio, then?
I had McKinsey run the numbers
to see if I could still get
a Grammy this year.
Deborah, we talked
about you not using McKinsey.
You said I could do it
if it was for a good cause.
- No, I didn't.
- Well, it is, and I did.
Apparently,
it is an incredibly weak year
for one Grammy category.
Regional Mexican Music Album,
including Tejano.
And?
And if I'm featured
with the front-runner
and they win, which they will
'cause it's a weak year,
I get my G.
Yay.
Hey, Deborah, we're ready for you.
Thanks.
- Okay, wish me luck.
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
- Did you know about this?
- Yes.
Buenos días.
- Hi, hi.
- Hello. How you doing?
- Good.
- All right.
Yeah.
Hit it.
[LIVELY TEJANO MUSIC PLAYING]
[BOTH SINGING IN SPANISH]
♪
Oh, God, I hate firing people.
Let's do good cop, bad cop.
I'll be bad cop. They're sexier.
Okay. Just Okay.
We should see a concert soon.
I'm kind of in the mood for a concert.
All right.
Come in.
Hi, there. It's, uh, Jimmy and Kayla.
- Hi. Yeah, hi.
- Hi.
- [DOOR SLAMS]
- We need to talk to you, honey.
O-okay. Sure. C-come on in.
Oh, thank you so much
for welcoming us into your space.
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- Of course.
Um, we should start
by saying that you, madam,
have been just so punctual.
[CHUCKLES] Of course I'm punctual.
That being said, you're bad!
Your acting's ass
and you're being outperformed
by a dead corpse, mama!
Okay. Sorry about her.
Give us a second.
That was insane,
but, honestly, it's on me.
I should've never let you be bad cop.
- You be good cop.
- Okay.
Kind of an oxymoron, though.
Fucking pigs.
Just be as nice
as you possibly can, okay?
Okay. I'll be the nicest girl
in the whole world.
Sorry about that, hon.
I'm super bipolar.
Oh, my God. I did not know that.
[SIGHS] Yeah, I, uh
I-I'm really sorry about that.
But, unfortunately,
I do have some bad news.
Okay.
Are those your real lips?
If so, your boyfriend's
one lucky son of a bitch.
Uh, I-I-I have a-a-a wife.
Oh, gay ass.
Listen, there's no easy way
to say this.
You are being recast.
- What?
- Oh, my God.
You are terminated
effective immediately.
Please pack up your things
and return your costume
- and the wig cap.
- Fuck you, Jimmy!
- Seriously?
- What?
I mean, this is so unfair, right?
Insane, wrong.
Let's get the union involved.
You jackass!
No, we're not getting
the union involved.
We're just recasting.
It happens every day.
No, I mean, seriously, you've been
- mistreated in the workplace.
- No, she hasn't.
This is just a recasting.
It happens every day
in Hollywood, okay?
I've never seen something like this.
It's a tough business.
It happens a lot, okay?
Unfortunately, this decision
is final you're fired.
But you're also signed
by us as a client.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- Kayla.
- I am seeking representation.
Well, you found it
with Schaefer & LuSaque.
- Welcome to the family.
- Oh, Jesus
Oh, my God.
Yeah, we should definitely
get a dinner on the books.
Yay!
- [LAUGHING]
- Dinner, dinner, dinner.
Too close for comfort ♪
Danced too good and slow ♪
I consider myself a playwright
who's learned to write screenplays,
or perhaps I should say,
I'm a playwright
who's learned to write screenplays
- for Steven Spielberg.
- [LAUGHTER]
- Hello.
- Oh, hey. What's up?
I've been thinking.
The real way to cement my legacy
is for me to primary AOC.
What do you think?
Oh, um yeah.
Yeah, totally. That sounds good.
I-I guess we would have to get
you a New York address first
in the Bronx that could be cool.
We could hang out there.
I heart New York.
I would love to hang out
in New York City a lot more.
I would love that. It would be great.
Okay, that's it.
What is wrong with you?
[CHUCKLES] Nothing.
What are you talking about?
You're not challenging me
in your normal
"well, haven't you ever
considered" Ava way.
I'm just trying to be supportive.
Well, I don't need a yes-man.
I need a no-woman to ignore.
Okay, well fine.
Uh, yeah, things
got really dark in Singapore,
and it was really scary
seeing you that way.
And now you're back,
and you're motivated,
and it's just nice
to see you getting out of bed
every day excited.
Well, okay.
But, you know, I do sometimes
need you to be honest with me.
Okay, well, I don't think
performing Tejano music
is how you want to
rewrite your legacy.
¿Por qué no?
[CHUCKLES]
I just I don't know that, like,
trying to find some loophole
to game the system
in an obscure awards category
is what you want to be
remembered for, is it?
Maybe.
I mean, this noncompete could
be a blessing in disguise.
I could discover something new
I'm brilliant at,
my my true calling.
I mean, look at Woody Allen.
He's a gifted clarinetist.
Doll, Woody Allen
is not gonna be remembered
for playing the clarinet or the movies
or the bucket hat.
It's gonna be the other thing, okay?
And you are gonna be remembered
for comedy,
because you're a comedian.
You said it yourself in your
final monologue, remember?
Oh, God, I don't remember what I said.
- I certainly haven't watched it.
- Yeah, well, maybe you should.
Okay, what is the biggest
achievement for a comedian?
- Beating a rape trial.
- Seriously.
Hosting a late-night show.
Come on. Anything else?
Selling out Madison Square Garden.
Okay, great.
But I can't do that.
- I can't perform.
- I know.
And I don't know
how to get around that.
I don't know what to do.
So you have a bump but no pitch.
Yeah. I'm sorry.
Yeah, me too.
[SOMBER MUSIC]
♪
I'm going to bed.
♪
- Good night.
- Good night.
♪
[TV CHIMES]
What?
Ava!
No results. Unbelievable.
Yeah, they've taken down
every "Late Night" clip.
This is criminal.
Hang on.
Oh, shit.
What?
They took down "My Bad," too.
What?
Why would my special be gone?
Because it's on their streamer.
Bob Lipka controls that, too.
They fucking scrubbed everything.
Everything.
Everything that we have worked
on for the past five years
is gone.
They're not just rewriting me,
they are erasing me!
I'm so sorry.
You know, the last time
the press smeared me,
I just let them.
I leaned into it, but not this time.
This time I am writing my story,
'cause you're right
I am a comedian.
And I'm doing comedy, and
I'm doing it tomorrow night.
Totally. Super support you.
But how are you gonna
Call Jimmy, manager.
Being let go is a normal
part of the business.
- Yeah.
- I'm sure she'll be okay.
Thank you, Orna.
But, again, I do want to revisit
working on your boundaries
with clients.
Yes, I've been thinking
about that a lot
- [PHONE VIBRATING]
- And I, um Oh, shoot.
You know what? Deborah's calling.
Same time next week? Great.
Hey, Deborah.
Hi. Hi, hi, hi.
I hope it's not too late.
No, no, this is great.
I actually want to talk to you.
I just figured
it was too late for you.
Are you ready for your
close-up, Miss De-Vance?
- What?
- I got you a part.
Your Oscar is just
one great performance,
nomination, flawless campaign,
and win away.
No, I'm over that.
Don't need an Oscar anymore.
No, yes, you do. You need it.
You told me you needed it,
and and we recast somebody.
We're putting you
on the call sheet right now.
Jimmy, I'm doing stand-up tomorrow.
Oh, no. You're sundowning, darling.
You cannot perform.
No, I'm gonna do a secret show.
We're gonna confiscate phones.
Well, no venue's gonna agree to that.
They don't have to.
I know a guy.
Password?
Hermès Kelly 28 croc, gold hardware.
[UPBEAT FUNKY MUSIC]
Follow me. You made it just in time.
♪
Phones, please.
If your babysitter calls,
Damien here will handle it.
And if you try to sneak in
a device, you will be Tased.
They are good.
Follow me and watch your step.
We are not liable if you fall, ladies!
Open any hard candy now.
So help me God, if I hear
a rustle, you're gone.
Sit.
Right this way.
Front row, best seat in the house
you do have to sit
on the floor, though.
- Sorry about that.
- Did you get your mom yet?
The Arbuckle movie is freaking out.
All right, let me try her again.
[BOTH SIGH]
[LINE TRILLING]
- [PHONE RINGING]
- I'm so sorry, everybody.
I'm so sorry.
- Cut.
- [BELL RINGS]
Oh, it's it's my son calling.
He's been trying to reach me.
Hi, honey. What's going on?
You know that we shoot
until midnight every night.
I know, I'm sorry. Just listen.
I got you a role
in the Fatty Arbuckle movie.
- Okay. Say more.
- Here's the only issue.
We lose our location Saturday,
so we have to shoot tomorrow.
Can you be off book
for eight pages by morning?
Baby, are you kidding? I'm in soaps.
I could be off book
for "Hamlet" in 20 minutes.
Oh, great. Okay.
Oh, the show's starting.
I got to go. I'll text you.
All right. Love you.
Okay, my mom is in. She's gonna do it.
Yes.
AUDIENCE: [CHANTING]
Deborah, Deborah, Deborah!
Deborah, Deborah, Deborah!
Deborah, Deborah, Deborah!
Deborah, Deborah, Deborah!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Deborah, we love you!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE]
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY, CHUCKLES]
Thank you. Um
Oh, thank you.
Here I am, back from the dead.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- [CHUCKLES]
You know, when a man does that,
he's the Son of God.
When a woman does it, she's
held for questioning at LAX.
[LAUGHTER]
The only other time
I was mistaken for a corpse
was when I let
a straight man do my makeup.
You know, when you're away
from the spotlight
you have time to think
about what really matters.
The spotlight!
God, I am glad to be back!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
Oh, can I try that again?
Mm.
Oh, that that is fierce.
- Stunning. Stunning.
- Look at that.
- Oh.
- Excuse me.
Are you Deborah Vance?
[CHUCKLES] Yes, I'm alive.
And you've been served.
Bitch!
Shit, ye there's a video
of you from the show online.
I can't believe Bob's people
found it so quickly.
Looks like we're going to court.
Ma'am, we need that ring back.
She'll give it back when she's ready.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
CROWD: [CHANTING]
Free Deborah! Free Deborah!
[REPORTERS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
Let us through!
Let us through, please!
- Deborah!
- Deborah!
Deborah, your comments on today?
Deborah.
- Ms. Vance.
- Deborah, care to comment?
[REPORTERS CONTINUE SHOUTING
INDISTINCTLY]
Move back! Move back!
Coming through.
Come on, guys, back up.
We've just learned the judge has ruled
that due to ComStar's investment
in promoting Deborah Vance
as the host of "Late Night,"
the clause barring her from performing
is, in fact, enforceable.
A temporary restraining order
will be put in place
until a full trial can be set.
This is a huge loss
for Ms. Vance and her team.
- We'll be covering
- Deborah, Deborah!
Okay, give us some space, please.
- Just stay back.
- [SHOUTING SUBSIDES]
Free speech is under attack
in this country.
And today I have been told
that I cannot so much
as perform one single joke,
or I will go to jail.
But they can't censor me forever.
The moment that my contract expires,
I will be speaking my truth.
In fact, I'll be shouting it
at my comeback show
at the world's most famous arena,
Madison Square Garden.
- Thank you.
- [REPORTERS CLAMORING]
Excuse us, guys. Excuse us, please.
Back it up. Back up.
Give us some room. Thank you.
- The Garden?
- Yep.
It's the ultimate win for a comedian.
And if I sell it out,
I'll be one of only
a handful who've ever done it.
And that will be my legacy.
You know, for a woman
who can't be on camera,
- you just got a lot of airtime.
- Mm-hmm.
Wait, you leaked
that video, didn't you?
- No.
- I did.
That was a great pitch.
- We had to announce somehow.
- Hmm.
Oh, my God.
I ain't been licked ♪
No, no, no ♪
I ain't been licked ♪
Oh, yeah ♪
sync & corrections awaqeded
I ain't been licked ♪
Ooh, no, no ♪
I ain't been licked ♪
Tell 'em for me ♪
I ain't been licked ♪
Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
Like out of nowhere,
my whole world fell apart ♪
Till this day, no one knows ♪
What I felt in my heart ♪
All those precious things
inside me tried to still ♪
Hands I thought would help
pushed me over the hill ♪
Keep a-holding me down, but I rise ♪
Yes, it can be done ♪
Keep a-holding me down, but I rise ♪
They can't make me run ♪
Keep a-holding me down, but I rise ♪
Got my second wind ♪
Keep a-holding me down, but I rise ♪
Tell 'em I'm back again ♪
- Just say ♪
- I ain't been licked ♪
I ain't been licked, oh, no ♪
I ain't been licked ♪
No, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
I ain't been licked ♪
Tell 'em for me ♪
I ain't been licked ♪
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, yeah ♪