Hacks (2021) s05e04 Episode Script
Who's Making Dinner?
1
And so without further ado,
welcome to the stage
you know her, she pays you
Deborah Vance!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Hoo, hoo, hoo!
Thank you. Thank you.
So I know you haven't seen me
in a while.
When Hollywood wants
to get rid of a woman,
they just say she was difficult.
But a man gets away with having
sex with his stepdaughter
because, well, that's just his process.
Am I right, y'all?
[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
"Y'all"?
The, uh, reports of my death
were fake news
as was "US Weekly"
every time they published
I didn't wear it better, y'all.
- [SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
- "Y'all" again. What is that?
[YAWNS LOUDLY]
Sorry.
Let's get to the
persecution pyramid!
[LIGHT CHUCKLE]
Every woman who has ever done
something brave or unexpected
is either called crazy,
shot in the face,
or, even worse,
thwarted by a contract
she didn't read closely enough.
[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
- [CELL PHONE RINGTONE PLAYING]
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
Hey, you. Yeah, I'm just in a meeting.
All right, let's take a break.
So, yeah, maybe we want to rethink
the persecution pyramid
and also the, um
just all of it, I think.
No, it's the crowd.
I mean, they work for me.
I paid people to be here.
It's a completely different
dynamic than at a comedy club.
Besides, Josefina's in a mood
'cause I don't like
her new water filter.
Totally. I think maybe
we want to focus on,
like, what's been funny
about the past few years,
and then we can sort of work in
the systematic oppression
of it all, if we must.
I'm gonna get to the funny,
but if comedy says something,
it's supposed to make you uncomfortable.
I mean, you're the one who always says
that it doesn't have to be
a laugh a minute.
No, I know, but it's kind of
a Smith College commencement
address at the moment.
So sorry about that.
That was the Paley Center.
Unfortunately,
they're not willing to move
the "Who's Making Dinner?" event.
Do they know that I won't be
able to speak at it
because of the gag order?
Yes, but they're adamant
that the anniversary event
should take place on the anniversary
and not, you know, nine months later.
Oh. [SCOFFS]
People are so dramatic about time.
Why can't they just
be more flexible about dates?
You know, like I am about my birthday.
Not everybody is as easy
to work with as you are.
But, look,
they still want you to attend,
you know, and pose for some photos.
And I can circle back with your lawyer.
Maybe you learning sign
language is a fun loophole.
- Oh.
- I know a little.
Oh.
- Hey.
- Okay, well, I'm sorry.
That's not nice.
- I think she's hangry.
- Always.
- She doesn't eat.
- Yeah.
But you, I have really good news for.
- Oh.
- So remember Jessica Duncan,
- the exec who made "My Bad"?
- Yeah.
Well, she got a huge new job.
- And guess what.
- What?
She loved your script.
You know what?
She is one of the good ones.
I have always liked her.
Well, she wants to sit down with you,
and I'm gonna schedule a meeting
when you're in town for the
"Who's Making Dinner?" event.
My God, you are the best in the biz.
I'm flailing, but thank you.
[TAPS MIC] This thing on?
'Cause I got a couple things
to get off my chest too.
First up, these Russians,
and I'm not talking about
- No, no.
- the dolls!
- No, Randi.
- Silencing women?
This is what Deborah's talking about.
- [UPBEAT MUSIC]
- Oh, my God!
Make my lips bigger.
Bigger.
Whoa. We having a yard sale?
Oh, the Paley Center wants
some memorabilia and photos
for the "Who's Making Dinner?"
exhibition.
- How's this?
- That's good.
Now give Frank some dark circles
- Mm.
- And a big, fat double chin.
Cloning now.
What are you doing?
We're what did you call it?
We're "yassifying" Deborah.
And we're de-yassifying Frank.
I mean, if I can't speak
at the event honoring my show,
the least I can do is make
my nasty, bastard-ass
cheating ex-husband look like shit.
Not sure a media-preservation
nonprofit's
gonna love that.
I'm just giving them options.
Apparently, Kathy already sent
some photos over.
- She's not gonna be there.
- Thank God.
Is this the original pilot script?
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
How the hell did he get
sole creator credit?
We wrote the pilot together,
and then he said,
oh, Deb, uh, I'm just gonna
put my name on this first one,
and then you can put yours
on the second one.
I was so naive,
I didn't know that whoever
that whoever "writes" the first episode
from then on is considered the creator.
Right.
He said it was an innocent mistake,
but he knew what he was doing.
He never wanted me to get any credit.
Now I have another bastard
trying to erase me.
That's why my MSG show
has to be historic,
has to be record-breaking.
How's this?
Before and after.
- Ooh.
- Amazing.
That is exactly how I remember it.
- Wow.
- Oh, you think that's good?
Wait till you see
what she did to my grandson.
Ah.
- No.
- Isn't he adorable?
You guys can't Photoshop a baby.
Yes, you can.
Oh, my God.
Did you snatch his waist?
Oh, yes. He's so fit.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Sugar plum ♪
Give me some ♪
Of your goody, goody gumdrops ♪
I just have to say
I am so proud
of the work we did together
on Deborah's special.
I was so pissed when I saw
that they took it down.
[QUIETLY] Those motherfuckers.
No, we yeah, we were devastated.
And what Bob Lipka did
to my girl Deborah?
I mean, that is bullshit. Piece of shit.
Oh, completely agree guillotine.
Thank fucking God
I don't work there anymore.
- Mm-hmm.
- Uh!
- Okay, all right, vibe shift.
- Yes.
- "Mall Girl."
- Yeah.
You know, Jimmy said
that I would like your script.
I didn't.
I loved it!
[LAUGHING] Thank you.
That is so nice.
A modern-day retelling
of "The Wizard of Oz"
set in a '90s mall
literally written for me.
- [LAUGHS]
- It's so smart.
Thank you.
[GASPS] You know what scene I loved?
When the girl gets her ears pierced
and it gets infected
and then the Hot Topic goths
have to take her to the hospital,
my heart broke for her.
Oh, that is
that's really nice to hear.
Yeah. No, it's so nuanced.
It's so specific.
[GRUNTS] So original.
So, obviously, we can never make it.
- Oh.
- Blech.
[LAUGHS] But what else you got?
Uh, that was all that I-I was
kind of doing at the mome,
at the moment.
Well, I really want your next TV show.
So here's what I'm gonna do.
Sight unseen, whatever you got,
I will buy it cash advance,
- blind script deal.
- Oh, my God.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Thank you. Could
I mean, could "Mall Girl" be a series?
- No.
- No.
So something you're
more passionate about, right?
- But also hits the young demo.
- Okay.
Diverse, of course,
queer queer counts.
[LAUGHS] Yes, I see you, girl, LGBTAIQ+.
Not too political,
not too poor, hard funny.
- Okay.
- But passion first.
Well, I mean, look, it's
I think for me, finding an idea
that I'm immediately passionate about
Right, right. Right, right.
- Easy as pie.
- Yeah.
- But no limited series.
- Yeah.
- Limited series, bad.
- Yes.
Bad, bad, bad.
Yeah.
That should be easy.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Just because I ♪
Am not the prettiest girl ♪
You ever did see ♪
And even if I ♪
Don't have such
a wonderful personality ♪
So she didn't start as a stand-up?
No, she starred in the show
with her husband,
and, um, you know,
she got famous from the sitcom.
Ah. I mean, I think she's cute there,
but I honestly think she's hotter now.
I like a woman with
a little patina on them, huh?
- Oh, yeah.
- Jimmy.
- Beth. [GIGGLES]
- Oh, hi.
It's so nice
to finally meet you in person.
Wow. [BOTH CHUCKLE]
Um, uh, this is Kayla and Randi.
Hi. Welcome to PaleyFest.
- Thanks for having us.
- Yeah.
I had my bat mitzvah here.
I'm not Jewish,
but the theme was Anna Faris.
Yeah, it was a great bat mitzvah.
Um, anyway, thank you again
for all your help.
I know there was a lot of back-and-forth
- with all the Deborah stuff.
- It is literally my pleasure.
And I actually remembered
that you are a coffee snob.
- Guilty.
- [LAUGHS]
- So I just got you a cold brew.
- That is so nice. Thank you.
Well, cold brew is like sex.
Even when it's bad, I'm grateful.
- So true. Um, mm-hmm.
- Whoa.
- [LAUGHS] Yeah.
- Mmm.
No, but, seriously, the
coffee here is just dog shit.
But welcome to the nonprofit world.
You know what I mean? I'm like
[GOOFY VOICE] Take me with you, please.
- [LAUGHTER]
- I wish we could, you know?
- We are downsizing.
- God, stop. [IMITATES GUNSHOT]
[CELL PHONE VIBRATES]
I'm talking to someone.
I have to take this, but I will find you
- in a little bit.
- Okay, cool.
- Bye.
- Thank you again.
- Cheers.
- [GIGGLES]
- Wow.
- What is going on?
- What?
- You're being sexual at work.
You're never like that.
I mean, it was like
watching two jail rats
- ratting up the bathroom.
- Mm-hmm.
What are you talking about?
You were laughing at her voices.
You were like
[IMITATES HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH]
What? We were just being
That wasn't even the best voice.
I mean, it was kind of funny
but not anything
like my Jamaican accent.
We retired your Jamaican accent
after what happened with that waiter,
and I was just being nice.
We've been emailing each
other for months, you know?
Email's first base
I mean, the last person I emailed,
we ended up fucking, Jimmy.
Oh, my God, the HVAC guy?
Ew, no. The exterminator.
- You slept with Adnan?
- Yeah.
Whatever, my emails
were strictly professional.
I don't know
I was on those emails, boss,
and you were using
a lot of exclamation marks,
which for a man is the equivalent
- of exposing his genitals.
- Whatever.
- I-I was just being friendly.
- Oh, yeah?
Is it friendly to have your tits out?
Button up, slut.
She wants you to lay that
pipe down I'm telling you.
You really think so?
I mean, it's flattering.
I never get cruised, but she
was wearing a wedding ring.
- She's married.
- Who cares?
You never had sex with a married person?
Not that I know of. Have you?
Yeah, I just told you Adnan.
Who cares? It's LA.
I mean, 90% of the marriages are open,
and the other 10% heading for divorce
because they tried being open
mm, not my fault.
All right, I think you two
are really overexaggerating, okay?
Mm, whatever.
- We'll see what happens.
- Enjoy your coffee.
I want to put money on this.
They seem good together.
Yeah, so now I just have to come up
with the premise for a show.
And you know what's always
been interesting to me?
The woman in urgent care
who comes in before the doctor.
She's not a nurse, you know.
She's something else.
Like, what if I told her story?
- Very compelling.
- I know, right?
- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh, my God.
Wow.
You know, it's so cool that
something you made so long ago
is being celebrated like this.
Well, it endured
because it was important.
It said something.
That's what I've been saying
I want my MSG show to do.
Totally, totally, totally.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[SOLEMN MUSIC]
The oven line that was so good.
You liked it?
Yeah, you wrote it, too, right?
Did I write that one?
[LAUGHING] You know you did.
- Oh, yeah, I did. [GIGGLES]
- Oh, yeah, you did.
Check out this hottie.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Oh, yeah. Gino.
He was wonderful.
He died of AIDS. He was so young.
[SCOFFS] Can you imagine
being me in this situation?
I point to a photo of a hot guy,
and you're like, he died of AIDS.
Just lie to me, you maniac.
But I'm sorry for your loss.
- Thank you.
- Yeah. It's tough.
He's lucky he's dead,
or there'd be a bullet
with his name on it.
Uh-huh.
[SIGHS]
Where you going?
To find a martini with my name on it.
[LIGHT MUSIC]
My dentist is such a pervert,
and she's a girl.
- Oh.
- Hmm.
Shit. I think you guys are right.
I think that she might be interested.
We're not gonna feel bad for you.
- You're basically bragging.
- No, I'm not bragging.
Okay, she's coming,
she's coming, she's coming.
- Showtime.
- [LAUGHS] She's here.
- Hey.
- Hello, Beth.
Um, I reserved a seat for you
up front next to me.
Oh, wow.
Uh, thank you so much,
but you know what?
I think I'm just gonna do
my own thing and bop around.
- Hmm.
- During the screening?
Mm-hmm.
'Cause it'll be dark,
so you're gonna have to climb
over the people sitting down.
He gets restless leg syndrome
in the middle of the day.
Yeah, I think it's good
to just keep it moving,
you know, get my steps in,
get the circulation going.
Sorry. Oh, don't step on that. Sorry.
Okay. Oh, oh, oh! Okay. Oh, Jesus.
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
- [GROANING]
- She ran right into me.
She came out of nowhere.
Can people just give her some space?
Jesus. Give her a little bit of space.
- Are you seeing this?
- My pelvis!
Jimmy, are you there?
Can you hold my hand?
- Wait. What?
- My pelvis!
- Just breathe.
- Look, she's fine, she's fine.
[GROANS]
Ah, perfect.
Ketel One martini,
two olives, little dirty.
Thank you.
[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING,
INDISTINCT CHATTER]
♪
Thanks, Marcia.
Isn't that crazy? [CHUCKLES]
And that was just Friday, right?
- So imagine what I did Saturday.
- [LAUGHS]
- Oh. Yeah.
- It was just a lot.
If you were there,
you could have protected me.
- Here's your martini, ma'am.
- Thank you. Thank you.
Deborah, Eddie fucking Bean is here.
He's, like, my favorite
director from when I was a kid.
It's a little before your time, no?
No. What are you talking about?
I grew up on Nick at Nite.
"Bewitched" was the closest thing
we had to "Drag Race" back then.
Well, I'll introduce you. He's a doll.
- Eddie.
- Oh, excuse me.
- Wow, Debbie.
- Hi.
Wow, I didn't know
you were going to be here.
Of course. I wouldn't miss it. Hi.
- So glad to see you.
- This is Ava.
- Ava Daniels, Eddie Bean.
- Hi, how's it going?
I'm such a huge fan.
My Tinder bio used to be your
quote about the power of story.
I didn't meet my soulmate,
but a bunch of people
did ask me to read their
scripts, and that's something.
- Sure.
- [LAUGHS]
Eddie directed the pilot
of "Who's Making Dinner?"
- Of course.
- Oh, launched my whole career.
So basically, you owe me
10% of everything you got.
Yeah. [LAUGHS] Oh, Deb.
Glad to see you still have
your sense of humor.
I'm just glad to see you're out.
I heard about the breakdown.
I have a friend who has
the mental troubles.
Ooh. It's rough stuff.
Thank you, Eddie. Means a lot.
Yeah. Oh, uh, did you hear?
They're gonna show some
new footage of Frank tonight.
- Excuse me?
- Yeah, an unaired interview.
- [CHUCKLES]
- [SCOFFS]
I'm so glad Frank's
being allowed to speak.
Wish I could say the same
for Joan of Arc.
She's doing a lot of, um, research
on Joan of Arc right now for
comedy.
Mm.
Funny.
Oh, Deb, take care.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
- I always hated that guy.
- Yeah.
He thinks I have mental problems?
He is clearly in cognitive decline.
- Yeah.
- And his prostate's probably
the size of a cantaloupe.
Deborah, can we get
some photos with you?
- Absolutely.
- Great. Right this way.
- Puff pastry?
- Oh, no, thank you.
I've been, uh, pretty weird with dairy
ever since this guy I dated
sawed me in half.
Hey, could I ask you something?
Um, would you watch a show
about cater waiters?
And, like, maybe, like,
every episode takes place
- at a different event?
- Like "Party Down."
- Really great show.
- Great.
[SIGHS] Ideas, ideas.
Something in a dome?
Shit, "Under the Dome."
Fuck, everything's been done,
every single thing.
Can you take a picture
of someone for me?
- Oh, sure.
- Jimmy.
Oh, hi.
Could I get a photo of you two?
Yeah, sure. [CLEARS THROAT]
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
- [CHUCKLES] Yeah.
Oh, my God, I cannot wait to get home
and rip off this micro thong,
if it's still there.
My fat ass is eating it up.
Okay, Beth, I think I need
to clear the air, all right?
I've clearly misled you.
And we need to keep things professional,
because I'm just not in a place
for a relationship right now.
I'm married, so
I know, and I can't do
the open thing, all right?
It's just not for me.
I'm not stigmatizing it.
It's just I wouldn't be
a good third, you know?
My needs are too big.
Yeah, I'm not open,
and I'm not interested
in in you like that, so
Oh. Well well, good.
I mean, or or I guess not
good, but I just I'm sorry.
Oh, my God, this is
a little bit inappropriate.
- I'm like, ew.
- Okay. Oh, I'm sorry.
I just was picking up a vibe.
You know, you're being,
like, incredibly nice and
It's kind of my job to be
incredibly nice, you know?
Well, sure, but your job
is really to coordinate events
that preserve television history, right?
You don't have to be that nice.
You could just be cordial,
or you could be rude even, you know.
Well, I'll certainly keep
that in mind moving forward.
- Not a problem.
- Okay, great.
- Well, I'm glad we talked.
- Me too.
And, um, yeah, if you need any coffee,
just help yourself
to the carafe over there.
I'm not sure if it's been
sitting all day, but
No, Beth, don't don't do that.
Beth.
- Not into you, boss.
- Yeah, I don't think so.
I know that.
You told me she was into me.
You two were both like
she's drooling, boss, you said?
We were sniffing each other like rats.
What is this compulsive need
for honesty?
I didn't think you were
gonna say anything.
- That was so weird.
- Oh, my God!
[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]
♪
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS,
INDISTINCT CHATTER]
♪
[APPLAUSE]
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Wow, um, thank you to the network,
everyone who supported the show
and gave us a chance.
Thank you to Deborah Vance.
Deborah, I love you.
Thank you to my entire team
at William and Morris, Sheila
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome, welcome.
We are so proud to be celebrating
the 50th anniversary
of the groundbreaking sitcom
"Who's Making Dinner?"
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
We are so lucky to have so many
writers and cast here today,
especially the incomparable
Deborah Vance.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Hope you're all enjoying the exhibition.
I want to take a moment
to thank our partner brands.
The arts would be nothing without you.
Okay, before we get to our screening,
we have a special announcement.
As of today,
Stage 15 on the Warner Bros. lot,
where every episode
of "Who's Making Dinner?"
was filmed in front of a live audience,
in addition
to the many iconic game shows
that Frank went on to produce,
will be officially renamed
the Frank Vance Stage.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Frank Vance will forever be enshrined
in Hollywood history.
Well, please enjoy more passed apps,
courtesy of TJ Maxx and Duolingo,
and we will see you shortly
in the theater.
I cannot believe this.
He's upstaging me
even from beyond the grave.
I don't think he's upstaging you.
They are literally
putting him up on a stage.
Here.
[TENSE MUSIC]
- [SIGHS]
- Hey.
I want to introduce the screening.
If Frank's allowed to speak,
then I want to speak too.
I get that, but you definitely can't.
They're live streaming it.
Then get them to turn off the stream.
I thought you said
you had a contact here.
I [SIGHS]
If the people aren't on the
right marks, then we're fucked.
So if you could just make sure
that doesn't happen,
- that would be wonderful.
- Excuse me, Beth.
- Hello.
- Mm, okay.
Um, you mind if I ask you
a really quick favor?
Well, I wouldn't want to give
you the wrong impression,
right, and do any
special favors for you.
And I appreciate that. I respect that.
Uh, it's actually you know what?
It's not for me. It's for Deborah Vance.
Deborah would like to speak
to introduce the screening,
and she's legally prohibited
from doing that.
So if you could just turn off
the live stream camera,
just briefly, just while she's up there.
Mm, can't do that.
Please, please, I am begging you.
[GIGGLES MOCKINGLY] The answer is no.
See, this is why I don't get
into romantic relationships
with work colleagues.
We were not in
a romantic relationship, so
Beth, I don't have time
to get into our history
and relitigate this, all right?
We both know what happened.
Can you just please do it?
No.
Fuck.
You know what?
When you were dating Jimmy,
I really thought we could be friends.
But now I know you're just
another selfish blonde,
aren't you?
You're a bitch.
Jimmy!
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Stop. Stop looking at that.
I know I'm not on the list.
I'm just gonna speak for a second.
It's okay, it's okay, tell them
Deborah Vance said it was okay.
Deborah, wait, wait.
I tried, but they won't turn
the cameras off I'm sorry.
Look, even if Bob Lipka's
people don't see it,
as we've experienced, someone
could just leak it anyway.
I really don't think you should do this.
I'm not just doing this for me.
I'm doing this for all women
who've been silenced.
How?
- [APPLAUSE]
- Thank you.
Thank you all so much
for coming tonight.
You know, we may not have figured out
who's making dinner, but we figured out
who's getting all the credit
Frank Vance.
[CROWD MURMURS]
Oh, no, I know, that's not fair.
- What is going on?
- I tried to stop her,
but I couldn't.
Um, Frank gave me a lot of credit.
In fact, he gave me solo credit
for that house fire.
You remember that one, y'all? Hmm?
- "Y'all" is back.
- Mm.
The only woman who knows fire
better than I do
is my sister in the struggle,
Joan of Arc.
I was told not to speak tonight,
but, uh, at least Joan got to scream
when she was burned at the stake.
[CROWD MURMURING]
Lucky bitch.
Mm [PERSON COUGHS]
Did I ever mention did I ever mention
that Frank's family had slaves?
[CROWD GASPS]
Nasty stuff.
Okay, let's roll that clip.
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
Deborah, stop sulking.
If they won't let you get a credit card,
you can just use mine.
No, I'm gonna tell them I'm
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Mr. Denny Vansatori.
[LAUGHTER]
[GLASS SHATTERS] Oh, that's funny.
I always thought I'd be
the one whose water broke.
Deborah, why are you dressed like a man?
Well, if the bank won't let
a woman open a credit card
because it doesn't see me
as a full person
- You're going to force them?
- How about that?
Not even five minutes being a man,
and already I'm forcing people
against their will.
[LAUGHTER]
- Hmm.
- Yeah, if this was today,
you'd need four roommates
to afford this house.
- Yeah.
- You remember roommates?
No, I actually didn't have roommates.
I have to live alone because
I have bathroom stuff.
Is that an idea for a show?
Bathroom stuff?
Like, someone who lives alone?
- No, it's sad.
- No.
No, like, something
based on this, where, like
Oh.
I don't know where, like,
their grandkid
inherits this house and then
has a bunch of roommates.
It's about, like, chosen
family, that sort of a thing.
You know, reboots are really sellable.
Existing IP is very, very good.
And it can actually be
about something, you know?
They could be grappling with the fact
that, like, our generation is,
like, never going to find
the success that our parents found.
But, like, what does that success mean,
and, like, how do we redefine it?
You know what I mean?
Like, community building.
- Like, downward mobility.
- Yeah, but funny.
- Yeah.
- I think that's really good.
I think if you can do a reboot
that's about something,
that could be excellent.
You should definitely flesh
it out and pitch it to Jessica.
[SIGHS] Deborah doesn't have
the rights, though.
That's okay. I'll look into it.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- I like that.
- [LAUGHS]
I think it's good.
So do you need something, Gino, or
- I got myself in a mess.
- Okay.
[UPBEAT THEME MUSIC]
Frank, thank you so much
for sitting with us.
[INTERVIEW CONTINUES MUFFLED]
What do you think made
"Who's Making Dinner?"
such a groundbreaking show?
Well, you know, we weren't
trying to be groundbreaking.
We were making a show
about our relationship.
And, um
the only reason people
even paid attention to it
was because it was funny.
And you two had never worked
in TV before.
So how did you know that what
you were making was funny?
Because of Deborah.
Deborah was the funny one.
She was always
the funniest person
in any room.
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
And as you transitioned
into producing game shows,
what was your inspiration for
♪
Hey.
You okay?
No.
Yeah. 'Cause you bombed super hard?
- It was rough.
- No.
It's what Frank said.
But he said you were the funny one.
I-I feel like that would be
nice to hear, no?
It was.
That's the problem.
It's been it's been 50 fucking years.
Why do I still need to hear that?
Why should I care
about what some kid who I met
when I was 18 years old thinks about me?
It's pathetic.
Yeah.
I mean, I get that.
Sometimes there's just
one person we want to impress.
Yeah.
I have to ask
what was the mess that Gino was
getting into in that episode?
[LAUGHS]
Was there chaos?
Did hijinks ensue?
We didn't get to find out.
[LAUGHING] I'll tell you in the car.
- Okay.
- [SNIFFLES]
[MELLOW MUSIC]
♪
- Thank you.
- Oh, my God.
I always want to be like,
you don't have to run.
There's no rush.
I like it when they run.
Deborah Vance.
Yes?
Got a call you violated
a restraining order tonight.
- [SIGHS]
- Need you to come with us.
- Oh, you got to be kidding me.
- Nope.
You're actually gonna arrest me?
- Yep.
- I'm sorry.
She wasn't even funny tonight.
That was barely even comedy.
- Let's go.
- No!
- Yes.
- No!
Do you know where I keep my bail cash?
Yeah, in Vegas, it's
underneath the bathroom sink!
But where is it in LA?
Deborah, where is it in LA?
Call Josefina!
Watch the hair!
Wha fuck! Shit!
Yo, valet!
Pick up the pace!
[CELL DOOR BUZZES]
What are you in for?
Stand-up comedy.
You?
Shoplifting from Macy's.
Oh, that's really wrong.
If you're gonna shoplift,
make it Neiman Marcus.
[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
What are you in for?
I, uh I got a DUI.
Oh, honey, we got to get you
an Uber account
[LAUGHTER]
Or at least a pair
of Rollerblades, Jesus.
[LAUGHTER]
You know, it's not
my first time in jail.
I mean, I, uh, was in actor jail once.
I did a Lifetime movie called
"A Prayer for Mommy's Slippers."
[LAUGHTER]
I was guilty for not running
when I heard the title.
[LAUGHTER]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Hi, I'm here for Deborah Vance.
Is that enough?
- [LAUGHTER]
- That's right, that's right.
I've been cuffed before,
but it usually involved some
boundaries and a safe word.
[LAUGHTER] [DOOR CLANGS]
Oh, she knows, little freak!
[LAUGHTER]
Deborah Vance, you made bail.
Ah. That's my time.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Oh, hey, can I bail out my friends here?
- If you got the cash.
- All right, what do you need?
- What do you need?
- $500 for me!
- $8,000!
- $20,000!
Damn, what did you do?
I punched a police horse.
Oh, Jesus. Come on, let's go!
[ALL CHEERING]
[DISTANT SIREN WAILING]
So how was it in there? Was it bad?
It was amazing.
- Really?
- Frank was right.
Don't walk.
The only reason
that people paid attention
to "Who's Making Dinner?"
is 'cause it was funny.
But that's what I need to be focusing on
with my Garden show.
It doesn't need to be important.
It just it just needs to be funny.
Yeah, I mean, I feel like I said that,
but then a man said it louder,
but it's okay.
I'll just repress it.
It'll make me funnier in the long run.
I'm sorry I didn't listen.
I have just been consumed
by my anger.
I didn't see the forest for the trees.
I mean, what people
are gonna remember is
if I made them laugh.
Yes! Exactly what I was saying.
- Love.
- Yep.
- Great.
- Walk.
Oh. Hey, who's hungry? [ALL CHEERING]
Okay, let's go to Norm's.
I want to try out more material.
- Okay.
- That's a good idea.
You know, it's been a real
pleasure sharing an open toilet
with you ladies. [LAUGHTER]
But, Bethanney, I'm a little concerned
- about the color of your pee.
- I know.
["MURDER IN MY HEART (FOR THE
JUDGE) BY LEE MICHAELS]
♪
Whoo! ♪
♪
Whoo! Hey! ♪
♪
Everybody sing, yeah ♪
Got murder in my heart for the judge ♪
Got murder in my heart ♪
For the judge ♪
'Cause the bad old bastard ♪
Wouldn't budge ♪
I got murder in my heart ♪
For the judge ♪
'Cause the bad old bastard
wouldn't budge ♪
♪
Got murder in my heart for the judge ♪
Oh, everybody now ♪
Got murder in my heart for the judge ♪
And so without further ado,
welcome to the stage
you know her, she pays you
Deborah Vance!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Hoo, hoo, hoo!
Thank you. Thank you.
So I know you haven't seen me
in a while.
When Hollywood wants
to get rid of a woman,
they just say she was difficult.
But a man gets away with having
sex with his stepdaughter
because, well, that's just his process.
Am I right, y'all?
[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
"Y'all"?
The, uh, reports of my death
were fake news
as was "US Weekly"
every time they published
I didn't wear it better, y'all.
- [SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
- "Y'all" again. What is that?
[YAWNS LOUDLY]
Sorry.
Let's get to the
persecution pyramid!
[LIGHT CHUCKLE]
Every woman who has ever done
something brave or unexpected
is either called crazy,
shot in the face,
or, even worse,
thwarted by a contract
she didn't read closely enough.
[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
- [CELL PHONE RINGTONE PLAYING]
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
Hey, you. Yeah, I'm just in a meeting.
All right, let's take a break.
So, yeah, maybe we want to rethink
the persecution pyramid
and also the, um
just all of it, I think.
No, it's the crowd.
I mean, they work for me.
I paid people to be here.
It's a completely different
dynamic than at a comedy club.
Besides, Josefina's in a mood
'cause I don't like
her new water filter.
Totally. I think maybe
we want to focus on,
like, what's been funny
about the past few years,
and then we can sort of work in
the systematic oppression
of it all, if we must.
I'm gonna get to the funny,
but if comedy says something,
it's supposed to make you uncomfortable.
I mean, you're the one who always says
that it doesn't have to be
a laugh a minute.
No, I know, but it's kind of
a Smith College commencement
address at the moment.
So sorry about that.
That was the Paley Center.
Unfortunately,
they're not willing to move
the "Who's Making Dinner?" event.
Do they know that I won't be
able to speak at it
because of the gag order?
Yes, but they're adamant
that the anniversary event
should take place on the anniversary
and not, you know, nine months later.
Oh. [SCOFFS]
People are so dramatic about time.
Why can't they just
be more flexible about dates?
You know, like I am about my birthday.
Not everybody is as easy
to work with as you are.
But, look,
they still want you to attend,
you know, and pose for some photos.
And I can circle back with your lawyer.
Maybe you learning sign
language is a fun loophole.
- Oh.
- I know a little.
Oh.
- Hey.
- Okay, well, I'm sorry.
That's not nice.
- I think she's hangry.
- Always.
- She doesn't eat.
- Yeah.
But you, I have really good news for.
- Oh.
- So remember Jessica Duncan,
- the exec who made "My Bad"?
- Yeah.
Well, she got a huge new job.
- And guess what.
- What?
She loved your script.
You know what?
She is one of the good ones.
I have always liked her.
Well, she wants to sit down with you,
and I'm gonna schedule a meeting
when you're in town for the
"Who's Making Dinner?" event.
My God, you are the best in the biz.
I'm flailing, but thank you.
[TAPS MIC] This thing on?
'Cause I got a couple things
to get off my chest too.
First up, these Russians,
and I'm not talking about
- No, no.
- the dolls!
- No, Randi.
- Silencing women?
This is what Deborah's talking about.
- [UPBEAT MUSIC]
- Oh, my God!
Make my lips bigger.
Bigger.
Whoa. We having a yard sale?
Oh, the Paley Center wants
some memorabilia and photos
for the "Who's Making Dinner?"
exhibition.
- How's this?
- That's good.
Now give Frank some dark circles
- Mm.
- And a big, fat double chin.
Cloning now.
What are you doing?
We're what did you call it?
We're "yassifying" Deborah.
And we're de-yassifying Frank.
I mean, if I can't speak
at the event honoring my show,
the least I can do is make
my nasty, bastard-ass
cheating ex-husband look like shit.
Not sure a media-preservation
nonprofit's
gonna love that.
I'm just giving them options.
Apparently, Kathy already sent
some photos over.
- She's not gonna be there.
- Thank God.
Is this the original pilot script?
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
How the hell did he get
sole creator credit?
We wrote the pilot together,
and then he said,
oh, Deb, uh, I'm just gonna
put my name on this first one,
and then you can put yours
on the second one.
I was so naive,
I didn't know that whoever
that whoever "writes" the first episode
from then on is considered the creator.
Right.
He said it was an innocent mistake,
but he knew what he was doing.
He never wanted me to get any credit.
Now I have another bastard
trying to erase me.
That's why my MSG show
has to be historic,
has to be record-breaking.
How's this?
Before and after.
- Ooh.
- Amazing.
That is exactly how I remember it.
- Wow.
- Oh, you think that's good?
Wait till you see
what she did to my grandson.
Ah.
- No.
- Isn't he adorable?
You guys can't Photoshop a baby.
Yes, you can.
Oh, my God.
Did you snatch his waist?
Oh, yes. He's so fit.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Sugar plum ♪
Give me some ♪
Of your goody, goody gumdrops ♪
I just have to say
I am so proud
of the work we did together
on Deborah's special.
I was so pissed when I saw
that they took it down.
[QUIETLY] Those motherfuckers.
No, we yeah, we were devastated.
And what Bob Lipka did
to my girl Deborah?
I mean, that is bullshit. Piece of shit.
Oh, completely agree guillotine.
Thank fucking God
I don't work there anymore.
- Mm-hmm.
- Uh!
- Okay, all right, vibe shift.
- Yes.
- "Mall Girl."
- Yeah.
You know, Jimmy said
that I would like your script.
I didn't.
I loved it!
[LAUGHING] Thank you.
That is so nice.
A modern-day retelling
of "The Wizard of Oz"
set in a '90s mall
literally written for me.
- [LAUGHS]
- It's so smart.
Thank you.
[GASPS] You know what scene I loved?
When the girl gets her ears pierced
and it gets infected
and then the Hot Topic goths
have to take her to the hospital,
my heart broke for her.
Oh, that is
that's really nice to hear.
Yeah. No, it's so nuanced.
It's so specific.
[GRUNTS] So original.
So, obviously, we can never make it.
- Oh.
- Blech.
[LAUGHS] But what else you got?
Uh, that was all that I-I was
kind of doing at the mome,
at the moment.
Well, I really want your next TV show.
So here's what I'm gonna do.
Sight unseen, whatever you got,
I will buy it cash advance,
- blind script deal.
- Oh, my God.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Thank you. Could
I mean, could "Mall Girl" be a series?
- No.
- No.
So something you're
more passionate about, right?
- But also hits the young demo.
- Okay.
Diverse, of course,
queer queer counts.
[LAUGHS] Yes, I see you, girl, LGBTAIQ+.
Not too political,
not too poor, hard funny.
- Okay.
- But passion first.
Well, I mean, look, it's
I think for me, finding an idea
that I'm immediately passionate about
Right, right. Right, right.
- Easy as pie.
- Yeah.
- But no limited series.
- Yeah.
- Limited series, bad.
- Yes.
Bad, bad, bad.
Yeah.
That should be easy.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Just because I ♪
Am not the prettiest girl ♪
You ever did see ♪
And even if I ♪
Don't have such
a wonderful personality ♪
So she didn't start as a stand-up?
No, she starred in the show
with her husband,
and, um, you know,
she got famous from the sitcom.
Ah. I mean, I think she's cute there,
but I honestly think she's hotter now.
I like a woman with
a little patina on them, huh?
- Oh, yeah.
- Jimmy.
- Beth. [GIGGLES]
- Oh, hi.
It's so nice
to finally meet you in person.
Wow. [BOTH CHUCKLE]
Um, uh, this is Kayla and Randi.
Hi. Welcome to PaleyFest.
- Thanks for having us.
- Yeah.
I had my bat mitzvah here.
I'm not Jewish,
but the theme was Anna Faris.
Yeah, it was a great bat mitzvah.
Um, anyway, thank you again
for all your help.
I know there was a lot of back-and-forth
- with all the Deborah stuff.
- It is literally my pleasure.
And I actually remembered
that you are a coffee snob.
- Guilty.
- [LAUGHS]
- So I just got you a cold brew.
- That is so nice. Thank you.
Well, cold brew is like sex.
Even when it's bad, I'm grateful.
- So true. Um, mm-hmm.
- Whoa.
- [LAUGHS] Yeah.
- Mmm.
No, but, seriously, the
coffee here is just dog shit.
But welcome to the nonprofit world.
You know what I mean? I'm like
[GOOFY VOICE] Take me with you, please.
- [LAUGHTER]
- I wish we could, you know?
- We are downsizing.
- God, stop. [IMITATES GUNSHOT]
[CELL PHONE VIBRATES]
I'm talking to someone.
I have to take this, but I will find you
- in a little bit.
- Okay, cool.
- Bye.
- Thank you again.
- Cheers.
- [GIGGLES]
- Wow.
- What is going on?
- What?
- You're being sexual at work.
You're never like that.
I mean, it was like
watching two jail rats
- ratting up the bathroom.
- Mm-hmm.
What are you talking about?
You were laughing at her voices.
You were like
[IMITATES HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH]
What? We were just being
That wasn't even the best voice.
I mean, it was kind of funny
but not anything
like my Jamaican accent.
We retired your Jamaican accent
after what happened with that waiter,
and I was just being nice.
We've been emailing each
other for months, you know?
Email's first base
I mean, the last person I emailed,
we ended up fucking, Jimmy.
Oh, my God, the HVAC guy?
Ew, no. The exterminator.
- You slept with Adnan?
- Yeah.
Whatever, my emails
were strictly professional.
I don't know
I was on those emails, boss,
and you were using
a lot of exclamation marks,
which for a man is the equivalent
- of exposing his genitals.
- Whatever.
- I-I was just being friendly.
- Oh, yeah?
Is it friendly to have your tits out?
Button up, slut.
She wants you to lay that
pipe down I'm telling you.
You really think so?
I mean, it's flattering.
I never get cruised, but she
was wearing a wedding ring.
- She's married.
- Who cares?
You never had sex with a married person?
Not that I know of. Have you?
Yeah, I just told you Adnan.
Who cares? It's LA.
I mean, 90% of the marriages are open,
and the other 10% heading for divorce
because they tried being open
mm, not my fault.
All right, I think you two
are really overexaggerating, okay?
Mm, whatever.
- We'll see what happens.
- Enjoy your coffee.
I want to put money on this.
They seem good together.
Yeah, so now I just have to come up
with the premise for a show.
And you know what's always
been interesting to me?
The woman in urgent care
who comes in before the doctor.
She's not a nurse, you know.
She's something else.
Like, what if I told her story?
- Very compelling.
- I know, right?
- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh, my God.
Wow.
You know, it's so cool that
something you made so long ago
is being celebrated like this.
Well, it endured
because it was important.
It said something.
That's what I've been saying
I want my MSG show to do.
Totally, totally, totally.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[SOLEMN MUSIC]
The oven line that was so good.
You liked it?
Yeah, you wrote it, too, right?
Did I write that one?
[LAUGHING] You know you did.
- Oh, yeah, I did. [GIGGLES]
- Oh, yeah, you did.
Check out this hottie.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Oh, yeah. Gino.
He was wonderful.
He died of AIDS. He was so young.
[SCOFFS] Can you imagine
being me in this situation?
I point to a photo of a hot guy,
and you're like, he died of AIDS.
Just lie to me, you maniac.
But I'm sorry for your loss.
- Thank you.
- Yeah. It's tough.
He's lucky he's dead,
or there'd be a bullet
with his name on it.
Uh-huh.
[SIGHS]
Where you going?
To find a martini with my name on it.
[LIGHT MUSIC]
My dentist is such a pervert,
and she's a girl.
- Oh.
- Hmm.
Shit. I think you guys are right.
I think that she might be interested.
We're not gonna feel bad for you.
- You're basically bragging.
- No, I'm not bragging.
Okay, she's coming,
she's coming, she's coming.
- Showtime.
- [LAUGHS] She's here.
- Hey.
- Hello, Beth.
Um, I reserved a seat for you
up front next to me.
Oh, wow.
Uh, thank you so much,
but you know what?
I think I'm just gonna do
my own thing and bop around.
- Hmm.
- During the screening?
Mm-hmm.
'Cause it'll be dark,
so you're gonna have to climb
over the people sitting down.
He gets restless leg syndrome
in the middle of the day.
Yeah, I think it's good
to just keep it moving,
you know, get my steps in,
get the circulation going.
Sorry. Oh, don't step on that. Sorry.
Okay. Oh, oh, oh! Okay. Oh, Jesus.
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
- [GROANING]
- She ran right into me.
She came out of nowhere.
Can people just give her some space?
Jesus. Give her a little bit of space.
- Are you seeing this?
- My pelvis!
Jimmy, are you there?
Can you hold my hand?
- Wait. What?
- My pelvis!
- Just breathe.
- Look, she's fine, she's fine.
[GROANS]
Ah, perfect.
Ketel One martini,
two olives, little dirty.
Thank you.
[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING,
INDISTINCT CHATTER]
♪
Thanks, Marcia.
Isn't that crazy? [CHUCKLES]
And that was just Friday, right?
- So imagine what I did Saturday.
- [LAUGHS]
- Oh. Yeah.
- It was just a lot.
If you were there,
you could have protected me.
- Here's your martini, ma'am.
- Thank you. Thank you.
Deborah, Eddie fucking Bean is here.
He's, like, my favorite
director from when I was a kid.
It's a little before your time, no?
No. What are you talking about?
I grew up on Nick at Nite.
"Bewitched" was the closest thing
we had to "Drag Race" back then.
Well, I'll introduce you. He's a doll.
- Eddie.
- Oh, excuse me.
- Wow, Debbie.
- Hi.
Wow, I didn't know
you were going to be here.
Of course. I wouldn't miss it. Hi.
- So glad to see you.
- This is Ava.
- Ava Daniels, Eddie Bean.
- Hi, how's it going?
I'm such a huge fan.
My Tinder bio used to be your
quote about the power of story.
I didn't meet my soulmate,
but a bunch of people
did ask me to read their
scripts, and that's something.
- Sure.
- [LAUGHS]
Eddie directed the pilot
of "Who's Making Dinner?"
- Of course.
- Oh, launched my whole career.
So basically, you owe me
10% of everything you got.
Yeah. [LAUGHS] Oh, Deb.
Glad to see you still have
your sense of humor.
I'm just glad to see you're out.
I heard about the breakdown.
I have a friend who has
the mental troubles.
Ooh. It's rough stuff.
Thank you, Eddie. Means a lot.
Yeah. Oh, uh, did you hear?
They're gonna show some
new footage of Frank tonight.
- Excuse me?
- Yeah, an unaired interview.
- [CHUCKLES]
- [SCOFFS]
I'm so glad Frank's
being allowed to speak.
Wish I could say the same
for Joan of Arc.
She's doing a lot of, um, research
on Joan of Arc right now for
comedy.
Mm.
Funny.
Oh, Deb, take care.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
- I always hated that guy.
- Yeah.
He thinks I have mental problems?
He is clearly in cognitive decline.
- Yeah.
- And his prostate's probably
the size of a cantaloupe.
Deborah, can we get
some photos with you?
- Absolutely.
- Great. Right this way.
- Puff pastry?
- Oh, no, thank you.
I've been, uh, pretty weird with dairy
ever since this guy I dated
sawed me in half.
Hey, could I ask you something?
Um, would you watch a show
about cater waiters?
And, like, maybe, like,
every episode takes place
- at a different event?
- Like "Party Down."
- Really great show.
- Great.
[SIGHS] Ideas, ideas.
Something in a dome?
Shit, "Under the Dome."
Fuck, everything's been done,
every single thing.
Can you take a picture
of someone for me?
- Oh, sure.
- Jimmy.
Oh, hi.
Could I get a photo of you two?
Yeah, sure. [CLEARS THROAT]
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
- [CHUCKLES] Yeah.
Oh, my God, I cannot wait to get home
and rip off this micro thong,
if it's still there.
My fat ass is eating it up.
Okay, Beth, I think I need
to clear the air, all right?
I've clearly misled you.
And we need to keep things professional,
because I'm just not in a place
for a relationship right now.
I'm married, so
I know, and I can't do
the open thing, all right?
It's just not for me.
I'm not stigmatizing it.
It's just I wouldn't be
a good third, you know?
My needs are too big.
Yeah, I'm not open,
and I'm not interested
in in you like that, so
Oh. Well well, good.
I mean, or or I guess not
good, but I just I'm sorry.
Oh, my God, this is
a little bit inappropriate.
- I'm like, ew.
- Okay. Oh, I'm sorry.
I just was picking up a vibe.
You know, you're being,
like, incredibly nice and
It's kind of my job to be
incredibly nice, you know?
Well, sure, but your job
is really to coordinate events
that preserve television history, right?
You don't have to be that nice.
You could just be cordial,
or you could be rude even, you know.
Well, I'll certainly keep
that in mind moving forward.
- Not a problem.
- Okay, great.
- Well, I'm glad we talked.
- Me too.
And, um, yeah, if you need any coffee,
just help yourself
to the carafe over there.
I'm not sure if it's been
sitting all day, but
No, Beth, don't don't do that.
Beth.
- Not into you, boss.
- Yeah, I don't think so.
I know that.
You told me she was into me.
You two were both like
she's drooling, boss, you said?
We were sniffing each other like rats.
What is this compulsive need
for honesty?
I didn't think you were
gonna say anything.
- That was so weird.
- Oh, my God!
[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]
♪
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS,
INDISTINCT CHATTER]
♪
[APPLAUSE]
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Wow, um, thank you to the network,
everyone who supported the show
and gave us a chance.
Thank you to Deborah Vance.
Deborah, I love you.
Thank you to my entire team
at William and Morris, Sheila
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome, welcome.
We are so proud to be celebrating
the 50th anniversary
of the groundbreaking sitcom
"Who's Making Dinner?"
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
We are so lucky to have so many
writers and cast here today,
especially the incomparable
Deborah Vance.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Hope you're all enjoying the exhibition.
I want to take a moment
to thank our partner brands.
The arts would be nothing without you.
Okay, before we get to our screening,
we have a special announcement.
As of today,
Stage 15 on the Warner Bros. lot,
where every episode
of "Who's Making Dinner?"
was filmed in front of a live audience,
in addition
to the many iconic game shows
that Frank went on to produce,
will be officially renamed
the Frank Vance Stage.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Frank Vance will forever be enshrined
in Hollywood history.
Well, please enjoy more passed apps,
courtesy of TJ Maxx and Duolingo,
and we will see you shortly
in the theater.
I cannot believe this.
He's upstaging me
even from beyond the grave.
I don't think he's upstaging you.
They are literally
putting him up on a stage.
Here.
[TENSE MUSIC]
- [SIGHS]
- Hey.
I want to introduce the screening.
If Frank's allowed to speak,
then I want to speak too.
I get that, but you definitely can't.
They're live streaming it.
Then get them to turn off the stream.
I thought you said
you had a contact here.
I [SIGHS]
If the people aren't on the
right marks, then we're fucked.
So if you could just make sure
that doesn't happen,
- that would be wonderful.
- Excuse me, Beth.
- Hello.
- Mm, okay.
Um, you mind if I ask you
a really quick favor?
Well, I wouldn't want to give
you the wrong impression,
right, and do any
special favors for you.
And I appreciate that. I respect that.
Uh, it's actually you know what?
It's not for me. It's for Deborah Vance.
Deborah would like to speak
to introduce the screening,
and she's legally prohibited
from doing that.
So if you could just turn off
the live stream camera,
just briefly, just while she's up there.
Mm, can't do that.
Please, please, I am begging you.
[GIGGLES MOCKINGLY] The answer is no.
See, this is why I don't get
into romantic relationships
with work colleagues.
We were not in
a romantic relationship, so
Beth, I don't have time
to get into our history
and relitigate this, all right?
We both know what happened.
Can you just please do it?
No.
Fuck.
You know what?
When you were dating Jimmy,
I really thought we could be friends.
But now I know you're just
another selfish blonde,
aren't you?
You're a bitch.
Jimmy!
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Stop. Stop looking at that.
I know I'm not on the list.
I'm just gonna speak for a second.
It's okay, it's okay, tell them
Deborah Vance said it was okay.
Deborah, wait, wait.
I tried, but they won't turn
the cameras off I'm sorry.
Look, even if Bob Lipka's
people don't see it,
as we've experienced, someone
could just leak it anyway.
I really don't think you should do this.
I'm not just doing this for me.
I'm doing this for all women
who've been silenced.
How?
- [APPLAUSE]
- Thank you.
Thank you all so much
for coming tonight.
You know, we may not have figured out
who's making dinner, but we figured out
who's getting all the credit
Frank Vance.
[CROWD MURMURS]
Oh, no, I know, that's not fair.
- What is going on?
- I tried to stop her,
but I couldn't.
Um, Frank gave me a lot of credit.
In fact, he gave me solo credit
for that house fire.
You remember that one, y'all? Hmm?
- "Y'all" is back.
- Mm.
The only woman who knows fire
better than I do
is my sister in the struggle,
Joan of Arc.
I was told not to speak tonight,
but, uh, at least Joan got to scream
when she was burned at the stake.
[CROWD MURMURING]
Lucky bitch.
Mm [PERSON COUGHS]
Did I ever mention did I ever mention
that Frank's family had slaves?
[CROWD GASPS]
Nasty stuff.
Okay, let's roll that clip.
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
Deborah, stop sulking.
If they won't let you get a credit card,
you can just use mine.
No, I'm gonna tell them I'm
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Mr. Denny Vansatori.
[LAUGHTER]
[GLASS SHATTERS] Oh, that's funny.
I always thought I'd be
the one whose water broke.
Deborah, why are you dressed like a man?
Well, if the bank won't let
a woman open a credit card
because it doesn't see me
as a full person
- You're going to force them?
- How about that?
Not even five minutes being a man,
and already I'm forcing people
against their will.
[LAUGHTER]
- Hmm.
- Yeah, if this was today,
you'd need four roommates
to afford this house.
- Yeah.
- You remember roommates?
No, I actually didn't have roommates.
I have to live alone because
I have bathroom stuff.
Is that an idea for a show?
Bathroom stuff?
Like, someone who lives alone?
- No, it's sad.
- No.
No, like, something
based on this, where, like
Oh.
I don't know where, like,
their grandkid
inherits this house and then
has a bunch of roommates.
It's about, like, chosen
family, that sort of a thing.
You know, reboots are really sellable.
Existing IP is very, very good.
And it can actually be
about something, you know?
They could be grappling with the fact
that, like, our generation is,
like, never going to find
the success that our parents found.
But, like, what does that success mean,
and, like, how do we redefine it?
You know what I mean?
Like, community building.
- Like, downward mobility.
- Yeah, but funny.
- Yeah.
- I think that's really good.
I think if you can do a reboot
that's about something,
that could be excellent.
You should definitely flesh
it out and pitch it to Jessica.
[SIGHS] Deborah doesn't have
the rights, though.
That's okay. I'll look into it.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- I like that.
- [LAUGHS]
I think it's good.
So do you need something, Gino, or
- I got myself in a mess.
- Okay.
[UPBEAT THEME MUSIC]
Frank, thank you so much
for sitting with us.
[INTERVIEW CONTINUES MUFFLED]
What do you think made
"Who's Making Dinner?"
such a groundbreaking show?
Well, you know, we weren't
trying to be groundbreaking.
We were making a show
about our relationship.
And, um
the only reason people
even paid attention to it
was because it was funny.
And you two had never worked
in TV before.
So how did you know that what
you were making was funny?
Because of Deborah.
Deborah was the funny one.
She was always
the funniest person
in any room.
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
And as you transitioned
into producing game shows,
what was your inspiration for
♪
Hey.
You okay?
No.
Yeah. 'Cause you bombed super hard?
- It was rough.
- No.
It's what Frank said.
But he said you were the funny one.
I-I feel like that would be
nice to hear, no?
It was.
That's the problem.
It's been it's been 50 fucking years.
Why do I still need to hear that?
Why should I care
about what some kid who I met
when I was 18 years old thinks about me?
It's pathetic.
Yeah.
I mean, I get that.
Sometimes there's just
one person we want to impress.
Yeah.
I have to ask
what was the mess that Gino was
getting into in that episode?
[LAUGHS]
Was there chaos?
Did hijinks ensue?
We didn't get to find out.
[LAUGHING] I'll tell you in the car.
- Okay.
- [SNIFFLES]
[MELLOW MUSIC]
♪
- Thank you.
- Oh, my God.
I always want to be like,
you don't have to run.
There's no rush.
I like it when they run.
Deborah Vance.
Yes?
Got a call you violated
a restraining order tonight.
- [SIGHS]
- Need you to come with us.
- Oh, you got to be kidding me.
- Nope.
You're actually gonna arrest me?
- Yep.
- I'm sorry.
She wasn't even funny tonight.
That was barely even comedy.
- Let's go.
- No!
- Yes.
- No!
Do you know where I keep my bail cash?
Yeah, in Vegas, it's
underneath the bathroom sink!
But where is it in LA?
Deborah, where is it in LA?
Call Josefina!
Watch the hair!
Wha fuck! Shit!
Yo, valet!
Pick up the pace!
[CELL DOOR BUZZES]
What are you in for?
Stand-up comedy.
You?
Shoplifting from Macy's.
Oh, that's really wrong.
If you're gonna shoplift,
make it Neiman Marcus.
[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
What are you in for?
I, uh I got a DUI.
Oh, honey, we got to get you
an Uber account
[LAUGHTER]
Or at least a pair
of Rollerblades, Jesus.
[LAUGHTER]
You know, it's not
my first time in jail.
I mean, I, uh, was in actor jail once.
I did a Lifetime movie called
"A Prayer for Mommy's Slippers."
[LAUGHTER]
I was guilty for not running
when I heard the title.
[LAUGHTER]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Hi, I'm here for Deborah Vance.
Is that enough?
- [LAUGHTER]
- That's right, that's right.
I've been cuffed before,
but it usually involved some
boundaries and a safe word.
[LAUGHTER] [DOOR CLANGS]
Oh, she knows, little freak!
[LAUGHTER]
Deborah Vance, you made bail.
Ah. That's my time.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Oh, hey, can I bail out my friends here?
- If you got the cash.
- All right, what do you need?
- What do you need?
- $500 for me!
- $8,000!
- $20,000!
Damn, what did you do?
I punched a police horse.
Oh, Jesus. Come on, let's go!
[ALL CHEERING]
[DISTANT SIREN WAILING]
So how was it in there? Was it bad?
It was amazing.
- Really?
- Frank was right.
Don't walk.
The only reason
that people paid attention
to "Who's Making Dinner?"
is 'cause it was funny.
But that's what I need to be focusing on
with my Garden show.
It doesn't need to be important.
It just it just needs to be funny.
Yeah, I mean, I feel like I said that,
but then a man said it louder,
but it's okay.
I'll just repress it.
It'll make me funnier in the long run.
I'm sorry I didn't listen.
I have just been consumed
by my anger.
I didn't see the forest for the trees.
I mean, what people
are gonna remember is
if I made them laugh.
Yes! Exactly what I was saying.
- Love.
- Yep.
- Great.
- Walk.
Oh. Hey, who's hungry? [ALL CHEERING]
Okay, let's go to Norm's.
I want to try out more material.
- Okay.
- That's a good idea.
You know, it's been a real
pleasure sharing an open toilet
with you ladies. [LAUGHTER]
But, Bethanney, I'm a little concerned
- about the color of your pee.
- I know.
["MURDER IN MY HEART (FOR THE
JUDGE) BY LEE MICHAELS]
♪
Whoo! ♪
♪
Whoo! Hey! ♪
♪
Everybody sing, yeah ♪
Got murder in my heart for the judge ♪
Got murder in my heart ♪
For the judge ♪
'Cause the bad old bastard ♪
Wouldn't budge ♪
I got murder in my heart ♪
For the judge ♪
'Cause the bad old bastard
wouldn't budge ♪
♪
Got murder in my heart for the judge ♪
Oh, everybody now ♪
Got murder in my heart for the judge ♪