Hacks (2021) s05e05 Episode Script
D'Amazing Race
1
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[HORN BLARES]
Look at that speed.
Damien.
He's clocking at 9 miles per hour.
Ooh! Let's get his info.
Paris team is looking good.
They were the laughingstock
of the Hospitality Olympics
last year, but they've
really turned things around.
They've got a strong anchor.
Mm.
She's quick, but I worry
about precision.
We're only staffing the best
of the best at the Diva.
Ooh, is that what you're
calling the casino?
Mm-hmm.
The Diva. I like that.
Diva.
[HORN BLARES]
Ooh! Look at that little one.
He lets the suck of the vacuum pull him.
He'll be less prone to injury.
[HORN BLARES] Smart.
Okay. Done.
- I like his passion.
- No. Can't do it.
- Horrible at trivia.
- Call it. Call it, ref.
[HORN BLARES]
Yes! Who do you think you are?
I am.
I am Ray, motherfuckers!
[CHEERING] Pretty good.
Come on, let's go.
It needs to be perfect.
Work for this. Work for this.
This is where a hotel
succeeds or fails
a well-made bed.
That's almost all there is.
Look at him in the vest.
I like the way he handles the top sheet.
Go, Sophie! Go! Go!
I did not wanna bring you
tonight. Prove me wrong!
He's a surgeon.
Quick but measured,
efficient but not careless.
Fold that top!
Hospital corners!
We went over this, Sophie!
Jesus Christ!
Check, check.
Whoo! Yes!
[HORN BLARES]
[APPLAUSE]
I am the best bedmaker in the world!
[LAUGHS]
Okay, girl, I see you.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- I'm buzzed, buzzed.
- Moment of truth.
Buzzed, buzzed.
[CHEERING]
- Good girl!
- See? I'm on your side, girl.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh.
You know what I miss? Go Fish.
Mom! Mom!
Hi, guys.
Mom, I need you.
Oh, no, honey. Is Aidan leaving you?
- [GASPS]
- This is what men do.
They leave.
Okay, you gotta make sure
that all the vehicles
- are in your name.
- No.
- Are they?
- No, no, no, no.
- Are they?
- Mom!
They're finally doing
"Celebrity Amazing Race"!
- Oh.
- Remember?
You said that you would go on it with me
- if they ever made it?
- Oh.
Oh, yeah.
No, DJ, you know that I'm gagged.
I can't do any TV.
No performing for months.
Nice try. I called your lawyer.
- You called Stewart?
- Well, that's what you get
for suing me for criminal negligence
for breaking Grandma's teapot, okay?
Stewart and I have developed
a lovely working relationship,
and he says you're in the clear,
as long as this season airs
after the non-compete expires.
- And it does! So suck it!
- No.
You are not allowed
to do a reality show.
That has always been our rule.
Mom, this is really important
to me, okay?
You know it's important to me.
"Amazing Race" got me sober.
Excuse me, I think $400,000
worth of rehab got you sober.
Nope, that failed.
Episodes of "The Amazing Race"
got me through
some really dark times, okay?
Phil Keoghan is my higher power.
And you promised me that if I got sober,
we would go on it together.
Okay. Okay.
You're right. I'll think about it.
Yeah, think about it.
But I need an answer by 5:00, okay?
Plus, if we win,
we get a million dollars,
which covers my allowance for the year.
Well, honey, I think
all that money goes to charity.
Oh, fuck! Really? Ugh.
That's so stupid. You know what?
I'm sure there's a workaround.
I still wanna do it.
I'm gonna go practice driving
on the wrong side of the road.
- Christ.
- Yeah.
Look, I don't think it's the worst thing
in the world for you
to go on a reality show.
I mean, there'll be a big
announcement revealing the cast,
and you can get them to
plug MSG in the press release.
You know, she's right.
Reality shows do give
celebrities fresh relevance.
That's true.
But the problem with reality shows is,
you cannot control the narrative.
I mean, that's why
I've turned down Andy Cohen
more than every twink on Fire Island.
And they can make you look
however they want.
I mean, don't worry about me,
but I mean, they could really
make DJ look like a fool.
I mean, she doesn't
seem too worried to me.
Yeah.
And having her as my teammate,
we'd probably be out in the first leg.
I could be home in a week.
You do need to sell tickets.
Well, I guess it looks like
I'm doing "The Amazing Race."
Whoo!
Girl, I cannot wait to watch your ass.
Gonna be great.
[MELLOW UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
Oh, that's bad too.
[SCOFFS] Food waste is so depressing.
You know this is the fourth
blackout we've had this year?
It's the sixth.
Two happened during separate
12-hour naps you were taking.
Not sleeps, naps.
And you slept those nights too.
That's even worse.
Thank God I'm such a good
napper or I'd be even more
stressed out about the climate crisis.
And don't monitor my sleep.
It's private.
But it's fascinating.
[PHONE BUZZING]
- Jimbo! What's up?
- Hey.
So I just finished lunch
with Jessica Duncan,
and I have great news.
She loves the
"Who's Making Dinner" idea.
- She wants to hear it.
- Are you serious?
Yeah, she flipped out.
[LIQUID SPLASHING]
- Are you peeing?
- What?
Call me back if you're peeing.
I can talk to you in a second.
No, I'm making coffee,
although I have peed
while we were on the phone before.
Okay.
Anyway, I wanna get you and
Deborah in a room with her.
Is Deborah excited? Because
this could be really big.
Um, I have not yet
I haven't talked to Deborah yet.
Well, you need to ASAP.
Also, I do need to flag
one issue with the rights.
Apparently, when Frank died,
he left them to Kathy.
Please tell me you mean Najimy.
Why would I mean Kathy Najimy?
No, Kathy, her sister,
the one who hates her.
I even tried to grease the wheels.
I gave her a call today, but she wanted
to get off the phone because
she said I was, quote,
- "an enabler of her abuser."
- Whew.
Which I think is unfair,
but you know what?
We all have our narratives, so whatever.
Whatever to her.
She's a fucking bitch.
Okay, well, uh, I'll
I'll talk to Deborah.
Let me know what our girl says.
And if she is not happy, don't tell me.
Just internalize it.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
I think you're packing too much stuff.
Do you really have room
for six rolls of toilet paper?
Oh, you can't just downgrade
your toilet tissue out of nowhere.
I haven't had time to build up
any kind of a tolerance.
It's a shock to the system.
I mean, you can go to the hospital.
Totally.
Um, hey, while I have you
so you know how I have
that blind script deal?
Mm-hmm.
Well, I figured out what I wanna do.
I wanna reboot "Who's Making Dinner?"
- Oh.
- Um, yeah.
It would take place in the same house,
but instead of a young couple,
it would follow
some Gen Z friends who have to all
live together to afford it.
I could pitch it,
and then you could just,
like, totally rewrite it
if you wanted to.
Like, just whichever
version works for you,
I feel like, yeah, down with.
But I just wanted to
run it by you, because
I I really don't wanna do a reboot
of "Who's Making Dinner?"
Okay.
But you should.
No, no.
No, no, I I wouldn't
wanna do it without you.
No, no, no, I'm moving
forward with the Garden,
but I give you my blessing.
Are you sure?
I mean, I know it's, like,
triggering for you
when people rewrite your story.
Well, I would trust you to do it.
Thanks.
I won't let you down.
I know.
But you know, I don't have the rights.
So I can't help you with that.
Well, maybe you can.
[MELLOW ROCK MUSIC]
♪
[CHUCKLES] Look at that headshot.
It's at least 20 years old.
We have two offers already,
and two others are writing.
So if you're interested, I suggest
- you come in aggressively.
- Okay, great, thanks.
What the hell are you doing here?
Nice bones, Kathy.
Not you, the house.
How did you find me?
Do you still have that PI following me?
PI? What PI?
[SIGHS]
He died.
Is there somewhere we can sit?
If we must.
I was surprised you
weren't at the christening.
- What?
- We we both were.
I'm AJ's godmother.
I am AJ's godmother.
Oh, God.
DJ must have had two christenings.
[CHUCKLES] You wanna alternate months?
So, listen
I know why you're here.
I talked to Jimmy against
the advice of my healer.
Deborah, you are not getting
the rights to that show.
The thing is, they're not
they're not for Deborah.
- They're for me.
- Ha, sure.
No, really, they are.
What are you going to do with them?
Nothing.
Well, you don't know that.
I journal.
So what's your price?
You obviously need the money.
I don't remember you having a passion
for selling real estate.
You weren't even good at playing house.
Well, you always made me be the maid.
Well, you were a natural.
I'm surprised you could
remember anything at all.
I read that you had
a psychotic break live on air.
No surprise there.
Hope you're getting help.
Just like you got help
in the '90s with Prozac?
How did you
I had DJ go through your
trash like a good little girl.
Okay, my sisters, let's turn
the volume down.
Kathy, is there anything we
could do to change your mind?
Well, there is one thing.
- No. No. Let's go.
- What?
When we were little,
our mother had these
- salt and pepper shakers.
- Do not waste your breath!
They were cherubic,
porcelain little blonde girls.
She used to say
they looked exactly like us.
We loved them.
That's why we started
shaker collections of our own.
Then when Mom passed,
Deborah stole them from me.
I never stole them!
Mom said she always
wanted me to have them.
I'll give you the rights if
you give me back the shakers.
Which is never gonna happen. See?
She's deliberately crushing your dreams.
It's sadistic, really.
This woman is sick.
This woman is sick!
- Let's leave.
- Sorry.
Don't even think about coming
back without those shakers!
Oh.
Window's cracked. Candles are lit.
There's mold. Run. Run.
[SIGHS] Hello.
I'm sorry.
I would pay anything.
I just can't
- I can't do that.
- I get it.
I get it. That's okay.
Thank you for trying.
[EXCITING MUSIC]
♪
"Amazing Race" contestants,
take your places, please.
Oh, my God, this is
the best day of my life.
Thank you so much for doing this.
Well, you're welcome, sweetie.
But just remember our deal, okay?
- You're representing the family.
- Yeah.
- So when on camera
- Mm-hmm.
- No swearing.
- Right.
- No unladylike behavior.
- Mm-hmm.
No talking back.
Okay, I mean, when in doubt,
ask yourself, WWMD?
- What Would Mommy Do? I know!
- Yes, What Would Mommy Do?
- I understand.
- Don't talk back.
I didn't. I talked with.
- We said the same thing.
- Okay.
- Hey, everyone!
- Yes, Phil!
I would officially
like to welcome you all
to "The Amazing Race."
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Now, since this is
our first celebrity race,
why don't we just talk a little bit
about why you are taking part.
Drew and Jonathan, what
inspired you to be here today?
Well, we love to compete,
so not if, but when we win
- Very confident.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
We're gonna be donating our prize money
to the Alzheimer's Association.
We have a family member
who died from Alzheimer's.
So we're going on this
journey for the patients
and doctors who are
running the much harder race,
- the one for a cure.
- Okay.
That's a great cause. Great cause.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Now, JR and Richard.
We are playing for the
United Negro College Fund,
who also support HBCUs
throughout the country.
Yeah, and the million dollars
that we are going to win
- Absolutely.
- Correct.
That's just a fraction
of the $26 million
that the United Negro
College Fund donates
every single year to scholarships.
Awesome. Another great cause.
[APPLAUSE]
Now, what about you,
Deborah and DJ Vance?
I'm here to promote my comeback show
at Madison Square Garden,
September 11th.
Okay.
How about we get
this race started, everybody?
Yeah! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Are you ready for your
life-changing adventure?
- Yes, we are.
- Let's do it!
- Let's go.
- Good luck.
Travel safe.
Go!
[SHOUTING]
- Go, go, go, go!
- Come on!
Oh, this is gonna be interesting.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Go, go, go, go!
[SHOUTING]
Grab it, grab it, grab it!
Okay, drive yourselves to LAX
and fly to Oaxaca, Mexico.
When you land, make your way
to Campo, Los Molinos.
You have $50 for this leg of the race.
- All right. Bag, bag, bag!
- Okay, okay. [SIGHS]
I'm sweating. I already stink.
Oh, no, no, no, no, honey,
we have talked about
a razorback cut on your shoulders!
Stop it! Get in the car!
♪
They'll be expecting us. Get to
- Right there!
- Right there, yeah.
Your next flight to
Oaxaca, Mexico, please.
Hola.
We want the same flight they're getting!
Yes, please, please. Hi, Deborah.
I'm like I'm I love you so much.
- I have to say
- Aw, thank you.
I went as you for Halloween
all of middle school.
Got the fucking shit kicked out of me.
Worth it!
No, I'm obsessed with you.
Jordan just told me you do comedy too.
He had to tell you that?
Well, now that I know, I'm obsessed.
We should totally work together,
the blonde comedy girls.
- You're a comedian?
- Yeah!
Well, I can also talk
really, really, really fast.
And what else? Oh!
[WHISPERING] I can do ASMR.
Do you feel that?
Do you feel it on the back of your neck?
She's major. She's generational talent.
And this is online comedy?
Well, I've also done Broadway
and the Hollywood Bowl.
Yeah, she sold out
in like, under two seconds.
Yeah, it was super fun.
So should we make this official?
- Alliance, allianciana?
- Allianciana!
We could call ourselves
the Funny Honeys.
I don't I don't
I don't think so, thanks.
Wait, no, Mom. Mom, no, no.
Alliances are a huge part of the race.
Yeah. Okay, so listen.
What if there's a puzzle
and we can't figure it out?
Don't you want them to give us
a hint on their way out?
That happens literally all the time.
Absolutely not.
She says we're both comedians.
How dare she compare herself to me?
Oh, God.
They will get last
and we will win this race.
Come on. Let's go.
[UPBEAT SALSA MUSIC]
[EXCITED CHATTER]
Get out of my way!
Don't be afraid to shove!
Don't be afraid to shove!
Move it, move it, move it, move it!
Okay, miss, this is not YouTube.
Okay, I got it. I got it.
We gotta go. I got it.
[EXCITED CHATTER]
No, no, no! Deborah!
- Deborah!
- Get out of it.
- Get in the goddamn cab!
- You're gonna steal the car?
You know what? Hang on.
- I'm sorry.
- I get it.
It's good TV. It's good TV.
What can I say?
We need to go there.
Are you paying "atten-see-on?"
This is very important.
We are in a race
for 1 million "doleros."
Rapido! Rapido!
Let's go!
♪
Oh, damn it.
I was hoping they'd be
stranded and abducted.
Where are the kidnappers
from Sinaloa drug cartel
- when you need them?
- Ooh, it's a Roadblock.
That means only one of us
can complete the challenge.
Okay, okay, okay. Okay, okay.
Who's the big cheese?
Oh, this one's addressed to me.
Mom, every single contestant
is a celebrity, okay?
I can't open it!
What's wrong with your finger?
[SPEAKING RAPIDLY]
- Okay, yeah!
- I understood every word of that.
Transport a wheel of
cheese down the hill
using a traditional antique cheese rack.
Once there, you will
receive your next clue.
- Ha, okay.
- Okay, all right.
Okay, now this sounds complex.
I think I should do this one.
- No. No, no, no, no, no, no.
- You're not that coordinated.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it.
Hopefully we can complete this quick
and catch up to the other teams.
Wait, honey, honey, your flyaways.
- Stop!
- Okay, all right.
Can she take that again?
♪
[SINGING IN SPANISH]
♪
What are you doing? Are you tying it?
Just tie the cheese.
Trish.
That's it, DJ!
I wanted to say before, um,
I know you got canceled, smear
campaigned and everything.
I just wanted to say,
like, from cancel queen
to cancel queen, like, it hurts
the soul, helps the wallet.
So if I could give you any advice,
you know who am I to say?
I'm, you know, 19.
Okay, baby!
You got this!
[SINGING IN SPANISH]
That's it, girl. Come on, honey.
No, no.
Plan every footstep but don't hunch.
You're on camera.
Steady, steady.
Trisha, where are you?
Oh, there she is. You got this, Trish.
Okay, okay.
[YELLS]
- Oh, my God!
- [CACKLING]
Oh, she's rolling.
Oops.
♪
[GROANS]
- Shit, shit, shit!
- Oh, my God!
[GROANS] Oh, my ankle!
Honey, stop whimpering. Stop whimpering.
It shows weakness.
All right. Sweetie, one more thing.
You're gonna have to get
back up and grab the cheese
and finish the challenge, okay?
Fuck!
She's good.
She's good.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
- Ava.
- Ooh! Oh, hey.
- What are you doing?
- Me? Just me?
- Yeah.
- Oh, nothing.
Or I just came down
to get a midnight snack,
but then by the time I got here,
I was not hungry anymore
'cause the house is so big
and it took me so long to get down here.
- Totally.
- What's up with you?
What are you doing up?
- Just walking the dogs.
- Okay.
At this hour? That's curious.
Well, when Deborah's out of
town, they get super anxious
- and just like, shit everywhere.
- [YAWNS THEATRICALLY]
Sorry. I'm so tired.
Oh.
I gotta go to bed.
But yeah, it was good to see you.
- Good night.
- I'm gonna go.
This is me. I'm headed this way.
- My room over here.
- I know. Good night.
Okay, good night.
Good night, Damien.
Okay.
[FUNKY MUSIC]
Now I kind of want a snack.
Oh, somebody help me right now ♪
Bad situation, baby ♪
I'm in a bad situation ♪
Ah! Ah.
- My God, honey, be careful.
- Okay.
This that's the last clue.
- That means we're the last team.
- No!
Oh, I have to beat that idiot woman.
We can still make up time.
Okay? We can make up time.
Because in this race,
the game's not over
until you're standing on that mat
and Phil says you're eliminated.
Right, it's another Roadblock.
- "Who's got milk?"
- Ooh.
Okay now, sweetie,
why don't you sit this one out?
- What? What? No!
- Rest your ankle.
But Mom, what if it's a food challenge?
We both know you are not
gonna be caught dead
eating full-fat dairy on camera,
- so I will be doing it.
- Well, that's true,
but you didn't do so well
in the last Roadblock.
I I I did fine!
Mom, this is my dream, all right?
And I said I would be
doing the Roadblock,
so the rules say that
I have to do the Roadblock.
- Okay?
- All right.
- Milk a goat
- Milk a goat.
Until you have two quarts.
When you think you have
completed this task,
present your milk to the goat farmer
- to receive your next clue.
- No problem.
Okay, all right, this way.
To the right, to the right,
to the right.
Okay, there it is. There it is.
You got it. You got it.
Just grab the goat.
Jesus, she really is multi-talented.
Aren't these goats so cute?
Let me get like,
six or seven when I get home.
I don't like them. They're demonic.
Why are their eyes so far apart?
- I'm done.
- Oh, we're done.
Yay.
Okay, good to see you.
Hey, hey, don't, don't.
Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.
You gotta go over there.
- Get your boobs easy for me.
- DJ?
DJ, why don't you watch
the nice man do it
for a minute before you try?
I don't need to watch the man, okay?
Don't you remember when
I had that past-life
regression therapy and I
found out I was a milkmaid
who was secretly a princess? I got this.
Sure.
You have to hold it.
Okay, well, she's being a bitch.
That's not that's not my fault.
Pinch the top of the teat,
DJ, the top of the teat.
Oh, Mom? Hey, Mom?
If you could shut up for
a second, that would help.
You're distracting me, okay?
The top of the teat?
What does that mean?
Which end is the top?
Just just just watch the guy.
Watch the guy, and then do
it the way he's doing it!
Don't yell at me. Shut the fuck up.
I don't need to watch the guy.
Deborah, it's a Roadblock.
You cannot help your partner.
I know, Elise!
Gotta relax into it.
[MILK SPLASHES] Oh.
Huh? Huh?
You gotta relax into that past life.
Oh, my God.
[ETHEREAL MUSIC]
♪
Egads.
[CLATTERING]
- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
- Calm down!
It doesn't work,
but I will hit you with it.
And don't you dare touch
anything in this shop,
you harlot.
I remember you.
You threatened to smash a Limoges vase
to strong-arm me into selling
to Deborah Vance.
I did. I did do that.
I was in a desperate situation.
And I am once again
in a desperate situation,
but I come in peace.
I need your help, just some information.
Ha! Go straight to hell.
I'd never help you.
Oh, that's too bad to hear.
Seems like you've got a lot
of inventory around here.
And I did happen to notice
some items on your website
are heavily discounted.
Maybe times are tough?
Your generation
doesn't understand antiques,
but it'll come around.
It's always cyclical.
Well, if you wanna wait for
that to happen, be my guest.
But what if I told you that I
could take half your inventory,
right now, at market value?
I wouldn't believe you.
- You're a lying piece of shit.
- [CHUCKLES]
That's wise.
I can't, but I know someone who can.
Marcus!
Tim.
Mr. Vaughan. You're looking fit.
Thank you.
I'm decorating and furnishing
an entire new casino
with all vintage pieces.
If you help my friend here,
I'm sure we can make a deal.
- What's the style?
- Art deco.
- Where?
- The old Paradiso.
Fabulous.
I need someone who can make
me an exact replica of these.
Why would you ask an antiques dealer
where you could get a fake?
Well, I seem to remember
a certain psychotic bitch
telling me that you once fooled her
with a counterfeit Georges Jouve sconce.
I remember because she called it
the worst betrayal of her life.
Mind you, her husband porked her sister.
[LAUGHS]
So I need to know who your forger is,
because he's obviously very good.
Well, lucky for you,
you're looking at him.
God, I love this town.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Can I use your bathroom?
No.
I don't see anything.
Well, are you looking?
- Of course I'm looking.
- I don't know, Mom.
You think I'd still
be running if I saw it?
- Okay, don't be sassy.
- Wait, down there.
It's down there. Look, look, look.
There it is, God, finally.
Come on.
Okay, ready?
This will be it. This will be the one.
- This will be the one.
- This is it.
- This will be the one, okay.
- Okay, Detour.
All right, break or dance?
Break enter a room filled
with 10,000 Mexican ceramics
and smash them on the floor until you
find one containing a clue.
Dance put traditional
clown makeup on each other
then learn a clowning dance
from a demonstration.
Once you successfully complete the dance
to your judge's satisfaction,
you will receive your next clue.
- Okay. Okay.
- Okay.
I think we should do the pottery.
What?
I mean, that's it's simple,
something any idiot can do.
- Why are you gesturing at me?
- I'm not.
I'm gesticulating. I'm Italian.
You're not Italian. No.
Mom, that'll take forever.
- We are already coming in last.
- I know.
We've got to make up time.
If we get the clown dance
on the first try,
we can pass somebody.
We're not gonna get it on the first try.
- Why? Let's just try.
- We're just not.
We're look, look at
I'm not gonna put on clown makeup
and do a silly little dance with you.
I I will look stupid.
No, you're worried that
I'm gonna look stupid.
You think I'm going to
embarrass myself, don't you?
Well, yes, I do. I do.
I don't think you're gonna
learn a clowning routine.
And I don't think that you
were a milkmaid in a past life.
- Okay?
- A princess
- There it is.
- Who chose to be a milkmaid.
What about your leg?
You cannot dance with that ankle.
What are you talking about?
I just got that steroid shot
from the Mexican street doctor.
My tits itch, but my ankle
is feeling great.
Do you want a chance
at beating that girl?
- Yes. Yes.
- Do you?
Well, we're not gonna
do it standing around
smashing pottery for hours.
Yeah, well,
think about Grandma's teapot.
You were pretty good
about breaking that.
Shut up about Grandma's teapot.
Let's go.
[FUNKY MUSIC]
I like it, I like it ♪
I like it like that ♪
And Charlie, and Charlie,
and Chaplin, and Chaplin, and body roll.
- You know how.
- Well, I don't know.
Hold on a second. You gotta be a clown.
Do you look how's this?
Oh, finally.
Took us like, eight tries, y'all.
It's hard. Good luck.
Roll, down, up.
Hi, we're so fun and nice.
Let's go. We're done.
Okay, let's get it. That was great.
- That was great.
- Thank you, señor.
What? That was so fast. Come on.
We gotta you, we'll take you.
Just do it.
Oh, God. This is
Uno, dos, tes, boom, ta, ocho.
- Okay.
- We got the clue!
We got the clue!
- Oh, that was so much fun.
- What?
The judges were like,
getting emotional watching us.
- It was really sweet to see.
- Done already?
- Mom, we gotta go. We gotta go.
- What?
- We gotta go.
- We don't know the dance.
Well, we just have to try.
- We can do it one more time.
- Listen to me.
- We are in last place.
- I know that.
If we can get this on
the first try, we have a shot.
Mom, look at me. Let me try, please.
Let's go, go, go, go!
[BOUNCY MUSIC PLAYING]
[BUZZER BLARES]
Sorry, I I didn't throw it.
I didn't throw it.
That's my bad. That's my bad.
- All right.
- Go again. Go again.
[BOUNCY MUSIC PLAYING]
[BUZZER BLARES]
It's the I um, I did the wrong foot.
- We're good, yeah. Yeah.
- You got it?
- You know where you went wrong?
- Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
[BUZZER BLARES]
Why? I kicked it on four!
I kicked it on four.
She kicked it on four. That I saw it.
Start over. Start over.
Go, quick.
[BUZZER BLARES]
- Can I help?
- I've I've got it.
I've got it.
[BUZZER BLARES]
Stop!
[BUZZER BLARES]
[BUZZER BLARES]
Stop!
No! Oh, shit. Fuck. [BUZZER BLARES]
Oh! [BUZZER BLARES]
Come on!
[BUZZER BLARING]
- [CRIES]
- It's okay.
[SOFT UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
[BOUNCY MUSIC PLAYING]
- [BUZZER BLARES]
- What?
No, I really thought I got it that time.
- Felt good to me.
- What was it?
Deborah and DJ?
No, Phil, no.
No, no, no, no! Not Phil.
- No Phil, come on.
- Oh, oh, honey.
- No, no. No.
- Shh, shh.
Come on. Oh, come on.
Obviously, I'm here for a reason.
Ah!
I know it's been a hard couple of days,
and DJ, you've had your injury,
and then you've been
struggling with this
- clown challenge and
- I mean, a little bit.
- You've been here four hours.
- I know.
And all the other teams have
checked in to the Pit Stop.
Oh.
Deborah and DJ,
I'm really sorry to tell you
that you've been
eliminated from the race.
We didn't do it.
But you know what
we didn't do, actually, Phil?
We didn't quit.
So you can hold your head high.
- Yeah.
- You gave it everything.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah?
I know you're upset, but are you pleased
you came on "The Amazing Race"?
It's the best thing that I've
ever done in my whole life.
Honestly, Phil, this race, it challenges
every single part of you.
That's what I wanted.
- You know, I got to milk a goat.
- Yeah.
I got to see two
different cities in Mexico.
But most of all, I
I got to spend more time with
my mom than I have in years.
And that's really all I wanted.
You feel like you're
really bonded with your mom?
Yeah.
It was beautiful.
You feel the same way, Deborah?
Yeah, same.
Um, Phil, can I ask a favor?
I can't get you back on the race.
No, no, no, I understand.
We're eliminated.
But if I could just take
one more crack at this dance,
- I know I can nail it.
- Are you serious?
I'm serious. We got
so close this last time.
I don't know if you were
watching, but we got so close,
- didn't we?
- We did. We did.
Yeah, absolutely.
I mean, give it another shot.
Actually, Mom, this one's for us.
- Okay?
- Okay.
Okay, we can do this.
We can get through it.
We could do this.
Okay.
[BOUNCY MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, fuck me. [BUZZER BLARES]
Fuck! Shit.
Just forget it. Just fuck it.
You know what? I don't even care.
I never cared. I don't care, Phil.
Stop fucking filming me. It's done.
It's over.
No!
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[GASPS] Aw.
Yeah.
Oh, my.
Oh, they're just how I remember them.
Good.
I can feel her.
I can feel Mommy in the pepper shaker.
Oh, she's in there.
Oh, thank you, Ava.
Thank you so much.
But how did you convince her?
She doesn't know.
I stole them.
I don't know what Deborah's gonna do
when she realizes you stole them.
I don't wanna know.
Yeah, physical probably.
You must really,
really want those rights.
Yeah, yeah I do.
So, do we have a deal?
Yes, yes, you've earned them.
[SOFT MUSIC]
I'll have my lawyer
call Jimmy in the morning.
Welcome home, guys.
Aw.
♪
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
Now boarding group one.
Oh!
Oh, I remember boarding groups.
Fun.
They never let Aidan and me pre-board
'cause they don't count MMA
as military service.
Fucking bullshit.
I'm sorry we lost.
It's my fault.
If you had done the Roadblocks,
we would have won.
No, you're kind of good at everything.
And it's super annoying.
No, that's not true.
I've never been good
at failing and moving on.
I'm proud of you.
No, you let things roll off your back.
During this race, you just
threw yourself into everything.
You didn't even care how you looked.
Oh, thanks so much, Mom.
No, no, that's good.
That's good.
You're tougher than me.
You are.
I mean, I've always cared too
much about what people think,
'cause I know how hard it is
when people make fun of you
or call you crazy
like they're doing to me right now.
Yes.
I think that's why I tried
to protect you from all that
and why I didn't let you
try trapeze or, you know,
release your reggae album or
Go on QVC?
Yes.
I over-corrected.
I didn't let you try enough,
'cause you could have handled it.
You're right you do care
what the world thinks.
But I've only ever cared
what one person thinks.
Who?
Phil.
[LAUGHTER]
[ROCK MUSIC]
♪
No, no, no, no, no. Tell me again.
Tell me again.
She really said, I can feel Mommy?
- [LAUGHS]
- Stop laughing.
I feel really bad.
She cried.
This is the best.
- It's not funny.
- Oh, my God.
Well, you are an evil bitch.
I've never felt closer to you.
[LAUGHTER]
Well, let's just hope I make you proud
and make a good show so it was worth it.
Even if you don't,
recently, I have warmed up to the value
of falling flat on your face
and embarrassing yourself.
Okay, maybe just say
you're gonna do great.
Oh, you're gonna do great.
Thank you.
God.
And live in five, four, three, two, one.
Welcome back, folks.
Okay, I am thrilled because we have
an amazing new designer here
with us today.
Please welcome Deborah Junior Vance!
Okay, how many times has your
baby reached for your earrings
and almost pulled your entire
ear clean off your skull?
So many.
Well, it's never gonna happen again.
- Thank goodness.
- Do you wanna know why?
Detachables.
- Oh, my God.
- Because they detach.
Ah, look at them.
That's right, no more bloody lobes.
Moms get it.
Amazing.
Wow, these are flying off the shelves.
They are going fast.
So if you want your own DJewelry,
you better call in now.
Oh, and I think we're getting
a call right now
You're the best thing ♪
You are the best thing ♪
You're the best thing, baby ♪
You are the best thing ♪
You're the best thing, ooh ♪
That ever happened to me ♪
[RAY LAMONTAGNE'S
"YOU ARE THE BEST THING"]
Baby ♪
Come a long way, baby ♪
You know I hope and I pray
that you believe me ♪
♪
When I say this love
will never fade away ♪
Oh, because ♪
You are the best thing ♪
You're the best thing ♪
You are the best thing ♪
You're the best thing, baby ♪
You are the best thing ♪
You're the best thing, ooh ♪
That ever happened to me ♪
♪
Both of us have known love before ♪
♪
To come on up promising
like the spring ♪
To walk on out the door ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[HORN BLARES]
Look at that speed.
Damien.
He's clocking at 9 miles per hour.
Ooh! Let's get his info.
Paris team is looking good.
They were the laughingstock
of the Hospitality Olympics
last year, but they've
really turned things around.
They've got a strong anchor.
Mm.
She's quick, but I worry
about precision.
We're only staffing the best
of the best at the Diva.
Ooh, is that what you're
calling the casino?
Mm-hmm.
The Diva. I like that.
Diva.
[HORN BLARES]
Ooh! Look at that little one.
He lets the suck of the vacuum pull him.
He'll be less prone to injury.
[HORN BLARES] Smart.
Okay. Done.
- I like his passion.
- No. Can't do it.
- Horrible at trivia.
- Call it. Call it, ref.
[HORN BLARES]
Yes! Who do you think you are?
I am.
I am Ray, motherfuckers!
[CHEERING] Pretty good.
Come on, let's go.
It needs to be perfect.
Work for this. Work for this.
This is where a hotel
succeeds or fails
a well-made bed.
That's almost all there is.
Look at him in the vest.
I like the way he handles the top sheet.
Go, Sophie! Go! Go!
I did not wanna bring you
tonight. Prove me wrong!
He's a surgeon.
Quick but measured,
efficient but not careless.
Fold that top!
Hospital corners!
We went over this, Sophie!
Jesus Christ!
Check, check.
Whoo! Yes!
[HORN BLARES]
[APPLAUSE]
I am the best bedmaker in the world!
[LAUGHS]
Okay, girl, I see you.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- I'm buzzed, buzzed.
- Moment of truth.
Buzzed, buzzed.
[CHEERING]
- Good girl!
- See? I'm on your side, girl.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh.
You know what I miss? Go Fish.
Mom! Mom!
Hi, guys.
Mom, I need you.
Oh, no, honey. Is Aidan leaving you?
- [GASPS]
- This is what men do.
They leave.
Okay, you gotta make sure
that all the vehicles
- are in your name.
- No.
- Are they?
- No, no, no, no.
- Are they?
- Mom!
They're finally doing
"Celebrity Amazing Race"!
- Oh.
- Remember?
You said that you would go on it with me
- if they ever made it?
- Oh.
Oh, yeah.
No, DJ, you know that I'm gagged.
I can't do any TV.
No performing for months.
Nice try. I called your lawyer.
- You called Stewart?
- Well, that's what you get
for suing me for criminal negligence
for breaking Grandma's teapot, okay?
Stewart and I have developed
a lovely working relationship,
and he says you're in the clear,
as long as this season airs
after the non-compete expires.
- And it does! So suck it!
- No.
You are not allowed
to do a reality show.
That has always been our rule.
Mom, this is really important
to me, okay?
You know it's important to me.
"Amazing Race" got me sober.
Excuse me, I think $400,000
worth of rehab got you sober.
Nope, that failed.
Episodes of "The Amazing Race"
got me through
some really dark times, okay?
Phil Keoghan is my higher power.
And you promised me that if I got sober,
we would go on it together.
Okay. Okay.
You're right. I'll think about it.
Yeah, think about it.
But I need an answer by 5:00, okay?
Plus, if we win,
we get a million dollars,
which covers my allowance for the year.
Well, honey, I think
all that money goes to charity.
Oh, fuck! Really? Ugh.
That's so stupid. You know what?
I'm sure there's a workaround.
I still wanna do it.
I'm gonna go practice driving
on the wrong side of the road.
- Christ.
- Yeah.
Look, I don't think it's the worst thing
in the world for you
to go on a reality show.
I mean, there'll be a big
announcement revealing the cast,
and you can get them to
plug MSG in the press release.
You know, she's right.
Reality shows do give
celebrities fresh relevance.
That's true.
But the problem with reality shows is,
you cannot control the narrative.
I mean, that's why
I've turned down Andy Cohen
more than every twink on Fire Island.
And they can make you look
however they want.
I mean, don't worry about me,
but I mean, they could really
make DJ look like a fool.
I mean, she doesn't
seem too worried to me.
Yeah.
And having her as my teammate,
we'd probably be out in the first leg.
I could be home in a week.
You do need to sell tickets.
Well, I guess it looks like
I'm doing "The Amazing Race."
Whoo!
Girl, I cannot wait to watch your ass.
Gonna be great.
[MELLOW UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
Oh, that's bad too.
[SCOFFS] Food waste is so depressing.
You know this is the fourth
blackout we've had this year?
It's the sixth.
Two happened during separate
12-hour naps you were taking.
Not sleeps, naps.
And you slept those nights too.
That's even worse.
Thank God I'm such a good
napper or I'd be even more
stressed out about the climate crisis.
And don't monitor my sleep.
It's private.
But it's fascinating.
[PHONE BUZZING]
- Jimbo! What's up?
- Hey.
So I just finished lunch
with Jessica Duncan,
and I have great news.
She loves the
"Who's Making Dinner" idea.
- She wants to hear it.
- Are you serious?
Yeah, she flipped out.
[LIQUID SPLASHING]
- Are you peeing?
- What?
Call me back if you're peeing.
I can talk to you in a second.
No, I'm making coffee,
although I have peed
while we were on the phone before.
Okay.
Anyway, I wanna get you and
Deborah in a room with her.
Is Deborah excited? Because
this could be really big.
Um, I have not yet
I haven't talked to Deborah yet.
Well, you need to ASAP.
Also, I do need to flag
one issue with the rights.
Apparently, when Frank died,
he left them to Kathy.
Please tell me you mean Najimy.
Why would I mean Kathy Najimy?
No, Kathy, her sister,
the one who hates her.
I even tried to grease the wheels.
I gave her a call today, but she wanted
to get off the phone because
she said I was, quote,
- "an enabler of her abuser."
- Whew.
Which I think is unfair,
but you know what?
We all have our narratives, so whatever.
Whatever to her.
She's a fucking bitch.
Okay, well, uh, I'll
I'll talk to Deborah.
Let me know what our girl says.
And if she is not happy, don't tell me.
Just internalize it.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
I think you're packing too much stuff.
Do you really have room
for six rolls of toilet paper?
Oh, you can't just downgrade
your toilet tissue out of nowhere.
I haven't had time to build up
any kind of a tolerance.
It's a shock to the system.
I mean, you can go to the hospital.
Totally.
Um, hey, while I have you
so you know how I have
that blind script deal?
Mm-hmm.
Well, I figured out what I wanna do.
I wanna reboot "Who's Making Dinner?"
- Oh.
- Um, yeah.
It would take place in the same house,
but instead of a young couple,
it would follow
some Gen Z friends who have to all
live together to afford it.
I could pitch it,
and then you could just,
like, totally rewrite it
if you wanted to.
Like, just whichever
version works for you,
I feel like, yeah, down with.
But I just wanted to
run it by you, because
I I really don't wanna do a reboot
of "Who's Making Dinner?"
Okay.
But you should.
No, no.
No, no, I I wouldn't
wanna do it without you.
No, no, no, I'm moving
forward with the Garden,
but I give you my blessing.
Are you sure?
I mean, I know it's, like,
triggering for you
when people rewrite your story.
Well, I would trust you to do it.
Thanks.
I won't let you down.
I know.
But you know, I don't have the rights.
So I can't help you with that.
Well, maybe you can.
[MELLOW ROCK MUSIC]
♪
[CHUCKLES] Look at that headshot.
It's at least 20 years old.
We have two offers already,
and two others are writing.
So if you're interested, I suggest
- you come in aggressively.
- Okay, great, thanks.
What the hell are you doing here?
Nice bones, Kathy.
Not you, the house.
How did you find me?
Do you still have that PI following me?
PI? What PI?
[SIGHS]
He died.
Is there somewhere we can sit?
If we must.
I was surprised you
weren't at the christening.
- What?
- We we both were.
I'm AJ's godmother.
I am AJ's godmother.
Oh, God.
DJ must have had two christenings.
[CHUCKLES] You wanna alternate months?
So, listen
I know why you're here.
I talked to Jimmy against
the advice of my healer.
Deborah, you are not getting
the rights to that show.
The thing is, they're not
they're not for Deborah.
- They're for me.
- Ha, sure.
No, really, they are.
What are you going to do with them?
Nothing.
Well, you don't know that.
I journal.
So what's your price?
You obviously need the money.
I don't remember you having a passion
for selling real estate.
You weren't even good at playing house.
Well, you always made me be the maid.
Well, you were a natural.
I'm surprised you could
remember anything at all.
I read that you had
a psychotic break live on air.
No surprise there.
Hope you're getting help.
Just like you got help
in the '90s with Prozac?
How did you
I had DJ go through your
trash like a good little girl.
Okay, my sisters, let's turn
the volume down.
Kathy, is there anything we
could do to change your mind?
Well, there is one thing.
- No. No. Let's go.
- What?
When we were little,
our mother had these
- salt and pepper shakers.
- Do not waste your breath!
They were cherubic,
porcelain little blonde girls.
She used to say
they looked exactly like us.
We loved them.
That's why we started
shaker collections of our own.
Then when Mom passed,
Deborah stole them from me.
I never stole them!
Mom said she always
wanted me to have them.
I'll give you the rights if
you give me back the shakers.
Which is never gonna happen. See?
She's deliberately crushing your dreams.
It's sadistic, really.
This woman is sick.
This woman is sick!
- Let's leave.
- Sorry.
Don't even think about coming
back without those shakers!
Oh.
Window's cracked. Candles are lit.
There's mold. Run. Run.
[SIGHS] Hello.
I'm sorry.
I would pay anything.
I just can't
- I can't do that.
- I get it.
I get it. That's okay.
Thank you for trying.
[EXCITING MUSIC]
♪
"Amazing Race" contestants,
take your places, please.
Oh, my God, this is
the best day of my life.
Thank you so much for doing this.
Well, you're welcome, sweetie.
But just remember our deal, okay?
- You're representing the family.
- Yeah.
- So when on camera
- Mm-hmm.
- No swearing.
- Right.
- No unladylike behavior.
- Mm-hmm.
No talking back.
Okay, I mean, when in doubt,
ask yourself, WWMD?
- What Would Mommy Do? I know!
- Yes, What Would Mommy Do?
- I understand.
- Don't talk back.
I didn't. I talked with.
- We said the same thing.
- Okay.
- Hey, everyone!
- Yes, Phil!
I would officially
like to welcome you all
to "The Amazing Race."
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Now, since this is
our first celebrity race,
why don't we just talk a little bit
about why you are taking part.
Drew and Jonathan, what
inspired you to be here today?
Well, we love to compete,
so not if, but when we win
- Very confident.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
We're gonna be donating our prize money
to the Alzheimer's Association.
We have a family member
who died from Alzheimer's.
So we're going on this
journey for the patients
and doctors who are
running the much harder race,
- the one for a cure.
- Okay.
That's a great cause. Great cause.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Now, JR and Richard.
We are playing for the
United Negro College Fund,
who also support HBCUs
throughout the country.
Yeah, and the million dollars
that we are going to win
- Absolutely.
- Correct.
That's just a fraction
of the $26 million
that the United Negro
College Fund donates
every single year to scholarships.
Awesome. Another great cause.
[APPLAUSE]
Now, what about you,
Deborah and DJ Vance?
I'm here to promote my comeback show
at Madison Square Garden,
September 11th.
Okay.
How about we get
this race started, everybody?
Yeah! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Are you ready for your
life-changing adventure?
- Yes, we are.
- Let's do it!
- Let's go.
- Good luck.
Travel safe.
Go!
[SHOUTING]
- Go, go, go, go!
- Come on!
Oh, this is gonna be interesting.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Go, go, go, go!
[SHOUTING]
Grab it, grab it, grab it!
Okay, drive yourselves to LAX
and fly to Oaxaca, Mexico.
When you land, make your way
to Campo, Los Molinos.
You have $50 for this leg of the race.
- All right. Bag, bag, bag!
- Okay, okay. [SIGHS]
I'm sweating. I already stink.
Oh, no, no, no, no, honey,
we have talked about
a razorback cut on your shoulders!
Stop it! Get in the car!
♪
They'll be expecting us. Get to
- Right there!
- Right there, yeah.
Your next flight to
Oaxaca, Mexico, please.
Hola.
We want the same flight they're getting!
Yes, please, please. Hi, Deborah.
I'm like I'm I love you so much.
- I have to say
- Aw, thank you.
I went as you for Halloween
all of middle school.
Got the fucking shit kicked out of me.
Worth it!
No, I'm obsessed with you.
Jordan just told me you do comedy too.
He had to tell you that?
Well, now that I know, I'm obsessed.
We should totally work together,
the blonde comedy girls.
- You're a comedian?
- Yeah!
Well, I can also talk
really, really, really fast.
And what else? Oh!
[WHISPERING] I can do ASMR.
Do you feel that?
Do you feel it on the back of your neck?
She's major. She's generational talent.
And this is online comedy?
Well, I've also done Broadway
and the Hollywood Bowl.
Yeah, she sold out
in like, under two seconds.
Yeah, it was super fun.
So should we make this official?
- Alliance, allianciana?
- Allianciana!
We could call ourselves
the Funny Honeys.
I don't I don't
I don't think so, thanks.
Wait, no, Mom. Mom, no, no.
Alliances are a huge part of the race.
Yeah. Okay, so listen.
What if there's a puzzle
and we can't figure it out?
Don't you want them to give us
a hint on their way out?
That happens literally all the time.
Absolutely not.
She says we're both comedians.
How dare she compare herself to me?
Oh, God.
They will get last
and we will win this race.
Come on. Let's go.
[UPBEAT SALSA MUSIC]
[EXCITED CHATTER]
Get out of my way!
Don't be afraid to shove!
Don't be afraid to shove!
Move it, move it, move it, move it!
Okay, miss, this is not YouTube.
Okay, I got it. I got it.
We gotta go. I got it.
[EXCITED CHATTER]
No, no, no! Deborah!
- Deborah!
- Get out of it.
- Get in the goddamn cab!
- You're gonna steal the car?
You know what? Hang on.
- I'm sorry.
- I get it.
It's good TV. It's good TV.
What can I say?
We need to go there.
Are you paying "atten-see-on?"
This is very important.
We are in a race
for 1 million "doleros."
Rapido! Rapido!
Let's go!
♪
Oh, damn it.
I was hoping they'd be
stranded and abducted.
Where are the kidnappers
from Sinaloa drug cartel
- when you need them?
- Ooh, it's a Roadblock.
That means only one of us
can complete the challenge.
Okay, okay, okay. Okay, okay.
Who's the big cheese?
Oh, this one's addressed to me.
Mom, every single contestant
is a celebrity, okay?
I can't open it!
What's wrong with your finger?
[SPEAKING RAPIDLY]
- Okay, yeah!
- I understood every word of that.
Transport a wheel of
cheese down the hill
using a traditional antique cheese rack.
Once there, you will
receive your next clue.
- Ha, okay.
- Okay, all right.
Okay, now this sounds complex.
I think I should do this one.
- No. No, no, no, no, no, no.
- You're not that coordinated.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it.
Hopefully we can complete this quick
and catch up to the other teams.
Wait, honey, honey, your flyaways.
- Stop!
- Okay, all right.
Can she take that again?
♪
[SINGING IN SPANISH]
♪
What are you doing? Are you tying it?
Just tie the cheese.
Trish.
That's it, DJ!
I wanted to say before, um,
I know you got canceled, smear
campaigned and everything.
I just wanted to say,
like, from cancel queen
to cancel queen, like, it hurts
the soul, helps the wallet.
So if I could give you any advice,
you know who am I to say?
I'm, you know, 19.
Okay, baby!
You got this!
[SINGING IN SPANISH]
That's it, girl. Come on, honey.
No, no.
Plan every footstep but don't hunch.
You're on camera.
Steady, steady.
Trisha, where are you?
Oh, there she is. You got this, Trish.
Okay, okay.
[YELLS]
- Oh, my God!
- [CACKLING]
Oh, she's rolling.
Oops.
♪
[GROANS]
- Shit, shit, shit!
- Oh, my God!
[GROANS] Oh, my ankle!
Honey, stop whimpering. Stop whimpering.
It shows weakness.
All right. Sweetie, one more thing.
You're gonna have to get
back up and grab the cheese
and finish the challenge, okay?
Fuck!
She's good.
She's good.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
- Ava.
- Ooh! Oh, hey.
- What are you doing?
- Me? Just me?
- Yeah.
- Oh, nothing.
Or I just came down
to get a midnight snack,
but then by the time I got here,
I was not hungry anymore
'cause the house is so big
and it took me so long to get down here.
- Totally.
- What's up with you?
What are you doing up?
- Just walking the dogs.
- Okay.
At this hour? That's curious.
Well, when Deborah's out of
town, they get super anxious
- and just like, shit everywhere.
- [YAWNS THEATRICALLY]
Sorry. I'm so tired.
Oh.
I gotta go to bed.
But yeah, it was good to see you.
- Good night.
- I'm gonna go.
This is me. I'm headed this way.
- My room over here.
- I know. Good night.
Okay, good night.
Good night, Damien.
Okay.
[FUNKY MUSIC]
Now I kind of want a snack.
Oh, somebody help me right now ♪
Bad situation, baby ♪
I'm in a bad situation ♪
Ah! Ah.
- My God, honey, be careful.
- Okay.
This that's the last clue.
- That means we're the last team.
- No!
Oh, I have to beat that idiot woman.
We can still make up time.
Okay? We can make up time.
Because in this race,
the game's not over
until you're standing on that mat
and Phil says you're eliminated.
Right, it's another Roadblock.
- "Who's got milk?"
- Ooh.
Okay now, sweetie,
why don't you sit this one out?
- What? What? No!
- Rest your ankle.
But Mom, what if it's a food challenge?
We both know you are not
gonna be caught dead
eating full-fat dairy on camera,
- so I will be doing it.
- Well, that's true,
but you didn't do so well
in the last Roadblock.
I I I did fine!
Mom, this is my dream, all right?
And I said I would be
doing the Roadblock,
so the rules say that
I have to do the Roadblock.
- Okay?
- All right.
- Milk a goat
- Milk a goat.
Until you have two quarts.
When you think you have
completed this task,
present your milk to the goat farmer
- to receive your next clue.
- No problem.
Okay, all right, this way.
To the right, to the right,
to the right.
Okay, there it is. There it is.
You got it. You got it.
Just grab the goat.
Jesus, she really is multi-talented.
Aren't these goats so cute?
Let me get like,
six or seven when I get home.
I don't like them. They're demonic.
Why are their eyes so far apart?
- I'm done.
- Oh, we're done.
Yay.
Okay, good to see you.
Hey, hey, don't, don't.
Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.
You gotta go over there.
- Get your boobs easy for me.
- DJ?
DJ, why don't you watch
the nice man do it
for a minute before you try?
I don't need to watch the man, okay?
Don't you remember when
I had that past-life
regression therapy and I
found out I was a milkmaid
who was secretly a princess? I got this.
Sure.
You have to hold it.
Okay, well, she's being a bitch.
That's not that's not my fault.
Pinch the top of the teat,
DJ, the top of the teat.
Oh, Mom? Hey, Mom?
If you could shut up for
a second, that would help.
You're distracting me, okay?
The top of the teat?
What does that mean?
Which end is the top?
Just just just watch the guy.
Watch the guy, and then do
it the way he's doing it!
Don't yell at me. Shut the fuck up.
I don't need to watch the guy.
Deborah, it's a Roadblock.
You cannot help your partner.
I know, Elise!
Gotta relax into it.
[MILK SPLASHES] Oh.
Huh? Huh?
You gotta relax into that past life.
Oh, my God.
[ETHEREAL MUSIC]
♪
Egads.
[CLATTERING]
- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
- Calm down!
It doesn't work,
but I will hit you with it.
And don't you dare touch
anything in this shop,
you harlot.
I remember you.
You threatened to smash a Limoges vase
to strong-arm me into selling
to Deborah Vance.
I did. I did do that.
I was in a desperate situation.
And I am once again
in a desperate situation,
but I come in peace.
I need your help, just some information.
Ha! Go straight to hell.
I'd never help you.
Oh, that's too bad to hear.
Seems like you've got a lot
of inventory around here.
And I did happen to notice
some items on your website
are heavily discounted.
Maybe times are tough?
Your generation
doesn't understand antiques,
but it'll come around.
It's always cyclical.
Well, if you wanna wait for
that to happen, be my guest.
But what if I told you that I
could take half your inventory,
right now, at market value?
I wouldn't believe you.
- You're a lying piece of shit.
- [CHUCKLES]
That's wise.
I can't, but I know someone who can.
Marcus!
Tim.
Mr. Vaughan. You're looking fit.
Thank you.
I'm decorating and furnishing
an entire new casino
with all vintage pieces.
If you help my friend here,
I'm sure we can make a deal.
- What's the style?
- Art deco.
- Where?
- The old Paradiso.
Fabulous.
I need someone who can make
me an exact replica of these.
Why would you ask an antiques dealer
where you could get a fake?
Well, I seem to remember
a certain psychotic bitch
telling me that you once fooled her
with a counterfeit Georges Jouve sconce.
I remember because she called it
the worst betrayal of her life.
Mind you, her husband porked her sister.
[LAUGHS]
So I need to know who your forger is,
because he's obviously very good.
Well, lucky for you,
you're looking at him.
God, I love this town.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Can I use your bathroom?
No.
I don't see anything.
Well, are you looking?
- Of course I'm looking.
- I don't know, Mom.
You think I'd still
be running if I saw it?
- Okay, don't be sassy.
- Wait, down there.
It's down there. Look, look, look.
There it is, God, finally.
Come on.
Okay, ready?
This will be it. This will be the one.
- This will be the one.
- This is it.
- This will be the one, okay.
- Okay, Detour.
All right, break or dance?
Break enter a room filled
with 10,000 Mexican ceramics
and smash them on the floor until you
find one containing a clue.
Dance put traditional
clown makeup on each other
then learn a clowning dance
from a demonstration.
Once you successfully complete the dance
to your judge's satisfaction,
you will receive your next clue.
- Okay. Okay.
- Okay.
I think we should do the pottery.
What?
I mean, that's it's simple,
something any idiot can do.
- Why are you gesturing at me?
- I'm not.
I'm gesticulating. I'm Italian.
You're not Italian. No.
Mom, that'll take forever.
- We are already coming in last.
- I know.
We've got to make up time.
If we get the clown dance
on the first try,
we can pass somebody.
We're not gonna get it on the first try.
- Why? Let's just try.
- We're just not.
We're look, look at
I'm not gonna put on clown makeup
and do a silly little dance with you.
I I will look stupid.
No, you're worried that
I'm gonna look stupid.
You think I'm going to
embarrass myself, don't you?
Well, yes, I do. I do.
I don't think you're gonna
learn a clowning routine.
And I don't think that you
were a milkmaid in a past life.
- Okay?
- A princess
- There it is.
- Who chose to be a milkmaid.
What about your leg?
You cannot dance with that ankle.
What are you talking about?
I just got that steroid shot
from the Mexican street doctor.
My tits itch, but my ankle
is feeling great.
Do you want a chance
at beating that girl?
- Yes. Yes.
- Do you?
Well, we're not gonna
do it standing around
smashing pottery for hours.
Yeah, well,
think about Grandma's teapot.
You were pretty good
about breaking that.
Shut up about Grandma's teapot.
Let's go.
[FUNKY MUSIC]
I like it, I like it ♪
I like it like that ♪
And Charlie, and Charlie,
and Chaplin, and Chaplin, and body roll.
- You know how.
- Well, I don't know.
Hold on a second. You gotta be a clown.
Do you look how's this?
Oh, finally.
Took us like, eight tries, y'all.
It's hard. Good luck.
Roll, down, up.
Hi, we're so fun and nice.
Let's go. We're done.
Okay, let's get it. That was great.
- That was great.
- Thank you, señor.
What? That was so fast. Come on.
We gotta you, we'll take you.
Just do it.
Oh, God. This is
Uno, dos, tes, boom, ta, ocho.
- Okay.
- We got the clue!
We got the clue!
- Oh, that was so much fun.
- What?
The judges were like,
getting emotional watching us.
- It was really sweet to see.
- Done already?
- Mom, we gotta go. We gotta go.
- What?
- We gotta go.
- We don't know the dance.
Well, we just have to try.
- We can do it one more time.
- Listen to me.
- We are in last place.
- I know that.
If we can get this on
the first try, we have a shot.
Mom, look at me. Let me try, please.
Let's go, go, go, go!
[BOUNCY MUSIC PLAYING]
[BUZZER BLARES]
Sorry, I I didn't throw it.
I didn't throw it.
That's my bad. That's my bad.
- All right.
- Go again. Go again.
[BOUNCY MUSIC PLAYING]
[BUZZER BLARES]
It's the I um, I did the wrong foot.
- We're good, yeah. Yeah.
- You got it?
- You know where you went wrong?
- Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
[BUZZER BLARES]
Why? I kicked it on four!
I kicked it on four.
She kicked it on four. That I saw it.
Start over. Start over.
Go, quick.
[BUZZER BLARES]
- Can I help?
- I've I've got it.
I've got it.
[BUZZER BLARES]
Stop!
[BUZZER BLARES]
[BUZZER BLARES]
Stop!
No! Oh, shit. Fuck. [BUZZER BLARES]
Oh! [BUZZER BLARES]
Come on!
[BUZZER BLARING]
- [CRIES]
- It's okay.
[SOFT UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
[BOUNCY MUSIC PLAYING]
- [BUZZER BLARES]
- What?
No, I really thought I got it that time.
- Felt good to me.
- What was it?
Deborah and DJ?
No, Phil, no.
No, no, no, no! Not Phil.
- No Phil, come on.
- Oh, oh, honey.
- No, no. No.
- Shh, shh.
Come on. Oh, come on.
Obviously, I'm here for a reason.
Ah!
I know it's been a hard couple of days,
and DJ, you've had your injury,
and then you've been
struggling with this
- clown challenge and
- I mean, a little bit.
- You've been here four hours.
- I know.
And all the other teams have
checked in to the Pit Stop.
Oh.
Deborah and DJ,
I'm really sorry to tell you
that you've been
eliminated from the race.
We didn't do it.
But you know what
we didn't do, actually, Phil?
We didn't quit.
So you can hold your head high.
- Yeah.
- You gave it everything.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah?
I know you're upset, but are you pleased
you came on "The Amazing Race"?
It's the best thing that I've
ever done in my whole life.
Honestly, Phil, this race, it challenges
every single part of you.
That's what I wanted.
- You know, I got to milk a goat.
- Yeah.
I got to see two
different cities in Mexico.
But most of all, I
I got to spend more time with
my mom than I have in years.
And that's really all I wanted.
You feel like you're
really bonded with your mom?
Yeah.
It was beautiful.
You feel the same way, Deborah?
Yeah, same.
Um, Phil, can I ask a favor?
I can't get you back on the race.
No, no, no, I understand.
We're eliminated.
But if I could just take
one more crack at this dance,
- I know I can nail it.
- Are you serious?
I'm serious. We got
so close this last time.
I don't know if you were
watching, but we got so close,
- didn't we?
- We did. We did.
Yeah, absolutely.
I mean, give it another shot.
Actually, Mom, this one's for us.
- Okay?
- Okay.
Okay, we can do this.
We can get through it.
We could do this.
Okay.
[BOUNCY MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, fuck me. [BUZZER BLARES]
Fuck! Shit.
Just forget it. Just fuck it.
You know what? I don't even care.
I never cared. I don't care, Phil.
Stop fucking filming me. It's done.
It's over.
No!
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[GASPS] Aw.
Yeah.
Oh, my.
Oh, they're just how I remember them.
Good.
I can feel her.
I can feel Mommy in the pepper shaker.
Oh, she's in there.
Oh, thank you, Ava.
Thank you so much.
But how did you convince her?
She doesn't know.
I stole them.
I don't know what Deborah's gonna do
when she realizes you stole them.
I don't wanna know.
Yeah, physical probably.
You must really,
really want those rights.
Yeah, yeah I do.
So, do we have a deal?
Yes, yes, you've earned them.
[SOFT MUSIC]
I'll have my lawyer
call Jimmy in the morning.
Welcome home, guys.
Aw.
♪
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
Now boarding group one.
Oh!
Oh, I remember boarding groups.
Fun.
They never let Aidan and me pre-board
'cause they don't count MMA
as military service.
Fucking bullshit.
I'm sorry we lost.
It's my fault.
If you had done the Roadblocks,
we would have won.
No, you're kind of good at everything.
And it's super annoying.
No, that's not true.
I've never been good
at failing and moving on.
I'm proud of you.
No, you let things roll off your back.
During this race, you just
threw yourself into everything.
You didn't even care how you looked.
Oh, thanks so much, Mom.
No, no, that's good.
That's good.
You're tougher than me.
You are.
I mean, I've always cared too
much about what people think,
'cause I know how hard it is
when people make fun of you
or call you crazy
like they're doing to me right now.
Yes.
I think that's why I tried
to protect you from all that
and why I didn't let you
try trapeze or, you know,
release your reggae album or
Go on QVC?
Yes.
I over-corrected.
I didn't let you try enough,
'cause you could have handled it.
You're right you do care
what the world thinks.
But I've only ever cared
what one person thinks.
Who?
Phil.
[LAUGHTER]
[ROCK MUSIC]
♪
No, no, no, no, no. Tell me again.
Tell me again.
She really said, I can feel Mommy?
- [LAUGHS]
- Stop laughing.
I feel really bad.
She cried.
This is the best.
- It's not funny.
- Oh, my God.
Well, you are an evil bitch.
I've never felt closer to you.
[LAUGHTER]
Well, let's just hope I make you proud
and make a good show so it was worth it.
Even if you don't,
recently, I have warmed up to the value
of falling flat on your face
and embarrassing yourself.
Okay, maybe just say
you're gonna do great.
Oh, you're gonna do great.
Thank you.
God.
And live in five, four, three, two, one.
Welcome back, folks.
Okay, I am thrilled because we have
an amazing new designer here
with us today.
Please welcome Deborah Junior Vance!
Okay, how many times has your
baby reached for your earrings
and almost pulled your entire
ear clean off your skull?
So many.
Well, it's never gonna happen again.
- Thank goodness.
- Do you wanna know why?
Detachables.
- Oh, my God.
- Because they detach.
Ah, look at them.
That's right, no more bloody lobes.
Moms get it.
Amazing.
Wow, these are flying off the shelves.
They are going fast.
So if you want your own DJewelry,
you better call in now.
Oh, and I think we're getting
a call right now
You're the best thing ♪
You are the best thing ♪
You're the best thing, baby ♪
You are the best thing ♪
You're the best thing, ooh ♪
That ever happened to me ♪
[RAY LAMONTAGNE'S
"YOU ARE THE BEST THING"]
Baby ♪
Come a long way, baby ♪
You know I hope and I pray
that you believe me ♪
♪
When I say this love
will never fade away ♪
Oh, because ♪
You are the best thing ♪
You're the best thing ♪
You are the best thing ♪
You're the best thing, baby ♪
You are the best thing ♪
You're the best thing, ooh ♪
That ever happened to me ♪
♪
Both of us have known love before ♪
♪
To come on up promising
like the spring ♪
To walk on out the door ♪