American Housewife (2016) s05e06 Episode Script

1
Oliver. Your math book looks sad.
You know why? Because it's got
so many problems.
You don't need to tell a dad joke
to remind us you're a dad.
Your new cellphone belt clip
tells us that.
You can get to it quick
in case there's a history emergency.
Hi, it's Greg Otto.
You want to be a history professor
but your sweater's
not bulky and outdated enough?
I've got plenty!
And with every order,
I'll tell you one thing
that was in Lincoln's pockets
when he died.
A button.
Don't make fun of Dad.
He buys these outdated sweaters
'cause he spends every dime
giving his family the best life he can.
No, I actually like these sweaters.
Take the olive branch, amigo.
- What are you guys doing?
- Making fun of Dad.
What have I said about
making fun of your father?
Wait until you're in the room.
That's okay.
Nothing is gonna get me down.
Tami is moving to Westport.
Oh.
- Who's Tami?
- She's from our old block.
She's the greatest.
She held my hand
through the tough times.
When Taylor had colic,
when Oliver wouldn't sleep-train,
when Dad grew that
Mario Brothers mustache.
I always hoped it would turn
into a beautiful butterfly.
See? It's so much nicer
making fun of Dad together.
Hey, mommies!
I want to introduce a new
exciting guest
my best friend from my old neighborhood:
- Tami Gaines!
- Hi!
- You don't have to get that close, baby.
- Oh, no.
I was just checking to see
if I had something in my teeth.
Ooh. I do.
This lady right here
is the closest thing to a mommy vlog
before there were mommy vlogs.
She taught me everything I know
about being a tough mom.
It's not a tough mom.
It's a good mom.
Kids need boundaries.
And sometimes a strong
over-the-counter antihistamine.
Tami knows what she is talking about.
She has raised two amazing kids,
now in college,
and an adorable 8-year-old named Grace.
Yeah, my youngest one was an accident.
When our last kid left the house,
my husband and I finally
had the place to ourselves.
We watched "Ocean's Eleven,"
and that Andy Garcia!
Whoo!
Remember when we would pretend
to go to mommy class
every Saturday night?
But instead, we made a beeline
to the Foxwoods Casino.
Not to gamble.
We would just take naps
in those comfy sportsbook loungers.
Oh, how about that time
those Eagles fans painted us green?
We never woke up.
She taught me parenting rule
number three:
always put "damn" in front of things.
"Pick your damn shoes up."
"Make your own damn breakfast."
I may be a real mother,
but this is the realest mother
of them all.
- That's the damn truth.
- Still got it.
- You're damn right.
- Okay, that's enough.
I only get six "damns,"
or I lose my family-friendly rating.
It's so cool you're doing a vlog.
I wish I had more subscribers,
but I'm working hard on it.
I have more Twitter followers
than Oliver,
but not as many as Taylor.
That girl is not afraid
to show her feet.
Well, you got to keep at it.
Matt and I didn't get discouraged
when we started our small business,
and look at me now.
These holes? Put there by a designer.
I still can't believe that you came up
with easy-to-rip packaging tape.
If you figured out
how to do that with bras,
you would make
a lot of teenage boys happy.
Oops! I spilled.
Grace!
Oh. Don't worry about it, honey.
That couch has so much cereal
underneath those cushions,
it's about time someone added milk.
Well, here, let me help.
I got it. Don't worry. You go.
Okay. Well, thank you.
Grace and I still
have some boxes to unpack.
I'm gonna go stare at them for a second,
get overwhelmed, and come right back.
Don't forget, after school today,
I need you to be in my vlog.
All you do is embarrass me.
I promise, I won't.
Maybe I will talk
about when you were little
and you used to call
Wheat Thins "weenas."
It was cute, but it was awkward
at the supermarket
when you would scream for weenas.
No!
Some kids at school found your vlog,
and now they're making fun of me.
How would you feel
if I told embarrassing stories
about you?
Remember when you split
your leggings at Costco?
Who doesn't wear underwear
with leggings?
That's why I was at Costco.
To get underwear.
You have an annoying answer
for everything, don't you?
I can do this all day, baby.
Ta-da!
I give you the basement.
You were right!
Oliver and Cooper
have the best room in the house!
Before I convinced Cooper
to give up his credit cards,
I should have had him buy me
that giant outdoor Yahtzee set.
It's called "Yardsie."
You don't have to tell me.
I read SkyMall.
Ooh!
How do you work this massage chair?
Let's try this remote.
Nope.
Whew! Keep on pressing, baby.
I want a disco ball.
Okay, before you get mad,
I'd love a gimlet.
Oliver! Cooper!!
What's going on?
Have you been in the bathroom
this whole time?
Yeah. I was using the Japanese toilet.
Did you know the seat has a warmer,
and if you sit there long enough,
it'll ask if you're okay?
I know this sounds weird,
but I think we're actually
becoming friends.
Where did that come from?
Our 17-year-old and
his idiot friend are drinking.
Ooh! This is that
George Clooney tequila!
This is expensive!
And this is the wine
I couldn't afford to buy you
on our anniversary.
Remember when the waiter
told me how much it costs,
and I had to tell him
I just realized we were in AA?
I'm going to go find Oliver and Cooper.
I've been rewatching "Dexter."
I've got a few murder techniques
that I've been wanting to try out.
They're not upstairs.
- They're not outside either.
- Good.
This is gonna give us time
to research military schools.
And not one of the good ones.
The ones that get closed down
- after "60 Minutes" does an exposé on them.
- Mm-hmm.
Guys. That is not the way to go.
The more you push back,
the more they'll party.
Then they'll just learn
to hide it better.
But we can't just
let Oliver and Cooper drink!
I agree.
But there are other ways.
Guide me, sensei.
Okay, first, you leave them a clue
to let them know
you know about the booze.
Looks like someone moved a bottle.
No way.
No one could have found the bar.
What's this?
It's a Walgreens coupon
for 50 cents off pomegranate lip balm!
You know what this means?
That someone's both thrifty and chapped?
No! My mom's been here!
- She knows!
- What are we gonna do?
Please tell me you had them build
the El Chapo escape tunnel.
I did, but it's not finished!
They're still putting down
the mosaic floor!
I knew one day
your impeccable eye for design
would come back to bite us in the ass.
And once they know we know,
that's when we drop the hammer?
No. What you do next is
nothing.
Let 'em squirm.
The long wait for you to come
down on them with the punishment
is the punishment.
Smart.
The scariest monsters in the movies
are the ones you don't see.
Like climate change.
We're not doing that right now, Greg.
I guess we could take
a little break from our homework.
Is that what
we were supposed to be doing?
I was trying to come up
with nicknames for myself.
All I have so far is
"Cheeseburger Larry."
One thing I have found
is that kids love screen time.
Maybe too much.
Who are you talking to?
You guys.
I see that you're playing video games.
My suggestion would be
to do your homework first.
That's good time management, mommies.
"Mommies" is my new pet name
for you two.
Care to explain this?
I, um
I got nothin'.
Franklin?
Katie Otto?
You've been served.
- A cease and desist order?
- Yes.
You are no longer allowed
to use images of Anna-Kat Otto
without her express written permission.
How did you even get this?
Oh. My mom's Church Leader, Bob.
He keeps a stack of them on his desk.
He gets a lot from Taylor Swift.
He uses her music
in his recruitment videos.
Remember, I have my Monday night
faculty meeting,
so I won't be home for dinner.
And you need to find
a ride home from school.
How will I ever get home
without listening to Jefferson Starship?
Ha ha. Very funny.
Good morning.
Heyyy.
How are you boys feeling?
Good?
Good! Good.
Glad to hear that.
Coop, let's make ourselves useful
and deep-clean the kitchen.
Yeah. Love that idea.
I'm kinda itching
to dust the tops of those,
uh, curtain rods.
Yeah.
Soon, the guilt will kick in,
and they'll do anything
to get on your good side
to lessen the punishment.
And as a bonus, they'll develop
an aversion to alcohol
because they'll associate it
with stress.
- You're amazing!
- And the best part is
That wasn't the best part?! Greg!
There's a better part!
Eventually, they'll confess,
and you guys will have all
that fancy liquor to yourselves.
You can drink it, sell it,
give it to your good friend Tami
as a thank-you for this great plan.
No pressure, but that last idea
I like that one.
We're gonna have a real bar!
Not three half-bottles
of Bloody Mary mix
next to the 409 under the sink.
Oliver and Cooper are deep-cleaning
behind the refrigerator right now.
They found an old pizza bagel,
my AAA card, and Greg's beret,
which now I have to hide someplace else.
Rule nine: psychological torture works.
It just does.
Now if you could
just help me with Anna-Kat.
What's going on with her?
She refuses to do my vlog.
Why don't you just use Grace?
Perfect!
And this'll give me a chance
to get to know her.
I mean, it's not
like I can physically force
Anna-Kat to do my vlog.
She's already lawyered up.
He's only 11, but he makes me nervous.
Hey, Fiona, can you give me a ride home?
My dad has a faculty meeting.
Isn't that your father right there?
Oh. My. God.
Thank you!
All right, this next one goes out
to all you civil warriors out there.
It's called
"Gettin' Readys-burg for Gettysburg"!
Oh. My. God.
He plays here every Monday night
with a few other history professors.
You didn't know?
July of 1863 ♪
At 9:00 a.m., there was
a battle for breakfast ♪
Instead of boiled eggs and ham ♪
The Union's in need
of a leader with speed ♪
Luckily, they had
General George G. Meade ♪
We're parched from rebellions,
and a drink's what we need ♪
So pour us that tall glass
of General Meade ♪
We're gettin' readys-burg
for Gettysburg ♪
Let's go and headys-burg
to Gettysburg ♪
I'm feeling sweatys-burg
from Gettysburg ♪
'Cause history gets me hot ♪
Oh. My. God.
The gutters are clean.
Now we're going to brush Luthor's gums.
They're the gutters of the mouth.
Why don't you come over here first?
It's happening now.
What's she gonna do to us?
I can't take this anymore.
Pull yourself together, dude!
Now do me.
Here we are.
You must be thirsty.
Can I get you a drink?
W-Water's fine.
Would you like it on the rocks?
I'm
sorry?
Well, I wouldn't want to give it
to you room temperature
and hear you two
"whine."
Actually, I'm not thirsty anymore.
Me neither.
What was that about?
Oh, just messing with the boys' heads.
Cool.
Hi, Dad!
How was your after-school meeting?
- Fine.
- I'm curious
What kind of stuff
do you guys talk about?
Talking points.
What kind of talking points?
Historical ones.
Okay. I'm gonna go upstairs now.
Getting readys-burg for bed, huh?
What was that all about?
Just messing with Dad's head.
Cool.
Don't be pointing that camera at me.
You're off the hook.
I got Grace to do my vlog with me.
She's actually excited about it.
I didn't want to say anything
in front of her mom,
but Grace is kind of
difficult.
She spilled her milk
on the couch on purpose.
I'm sure it was an accident.
No, she said, "Watch this,"
and dumped her milk on the sofa.
And then she said, "Got milk?",
which is both mean and outdated.
Wow.
You don't want to do my vlog,
and now you're making up lies
about a sweet little girl
because you are jealous.
I'm telling you the truth. She's psycho.
There's no way that she's a bad kid
- with Tami as her mother.
- Suit yourself.
I shouldn't even be talking
to you without Franklin present.
Grace? You ready to start?
I guess.
Hello, all you real mothers.
My guest today is the adorable daughter
of my good friend and mom sensei, Tami.
Say hello, Grace!
No.
Someone is a little camera-shy. Okay.
Today we are going
to learn how to make lunch
with whatever you have
that's about to go bad.
For me, that is an open sleeve
of crackers,
cream cheese, and strawberries.
Doesn't that sound fun?
I want cake.
We all want cake, Grace.
But we're having cracker cream cheese
strawberry yummy bites.
Have one.
Come on!
Show everyone
how delicious these treats are.
There you go.
Here, Luthor!
Grace, do not give that to the dog.
Grace?
I said no.
I mean it, Grace.
Do not
Grace whatever your middle name
is Gaines!
Next time, have cake.
Not cool, Grace!
I'm coming, mommies!
What a fun guest!
On tomorrow's show:
how do you tell the woman
that you have held up
as the greatest mother in the world
that she raised a terrible child?
Also: do-it-yourself sparkle slime.
Thank you so much
for letting Grace do the vlog,
but we did have a couple of incidents.
She is very cute, but she's a little
Monster?
Yeah. She's the worst.
Why didn't you tell me?
Honestly, I needed a break.
And you look up to me as this great mom.
And now I'm not.
What are you talking about?
I don't have the energy
to do it anymore.
Plus, Grace has built up a tolerance
to over-the-counter antihistamines.
But you just helped me with Oliver.
I can handle the older kids,
like my boys.
But when Grace came around,
I was exhausted.
I was busy with my businesses.
I didn't have time
to set up the same rules
as I did for the others.
And Grace never lets up.
I don't know what to do with her.
I tried to wrap her up in my damn tape,
but it was too easy to break out of.
And yet it still holds the boxes closed.
I know. That's why I'm rich.
You know how to deal with her.
Don't forget rule 17.
Rule 17. Rule 17.
I'm just so tired.
Can't we go to Foxwoods?
Pretend to take away
Something they love.
And?
If they start to cry,
then you know it's working!
Yes! That's it!
Grace?
You seem to have an awfully
good time with Luthor.
He gets me.
It's a shame you can't see him anymore.
Why?
Well, you fed him that food
that I told you not to give him.
And that's not good for him.
If you're gonna be around pets,
you have to be able to listen.
And it doesn't seem
like you're able to do that,
so Katie's gonna put Luthor
in the office,
and you can't see him anymore.
Then can I get my own puppy?
Of course, honey.
Tami!
Uh, no! I mean no.
Because you don't listen.
I'm sorry.
If I could play with Luthor,
I promise to listen.
That's more like it.
Is it okay if I throw
the Frisbee to Luthor?
Please?
Of course, honey.
Thank you for asking.
- She asked for permission?
- Mm-hmm.
- And she said please?
- Mm-hmm.
You broke her spirit.
I'm so proud of you!
Why didn't you tell everyone
about my band?
Because you didn't want
to betray my confidence?
No. You're cute.
I wanted to wait till we're
all together in the same room.
You know why I kept it quiet?
Because you guys mock me
about everything.
And I get it dads get made fun of.
But we get sick of it, too.
So, when I joined the band,
I kept it to myself.
You may not think it,
but I have feelings, you know.
Man!
This is way less fun when
you make me see you as a person.
Since when do you play bass?
I learned in high school.
That's really cool.
So, what other secrets
are you keeping from the family?
Even though Anna-Kat's outgrown it,
- sometimes I still watch "Peppa Pig."
- Me too!
I love it when they jump up
and down in the muddy puddles.
- It's so good!
- Right?
Hey. Can we talk a second?
I'm sorry for saying
that you were a difficult child.
After spending time with Grace,
I now know what one really is.
Turns out, Tami is not a perfect mom
and I am not one either.
I shouldn't have forced you
to be on my vlog.
I actually don't mind
being on it so much.
I just wish all the stories about me
weren't embarrassing ones.
I get it.
Moving forward
you have final say of what I post.
I got here as fast as I could.
Oh, sorry, Mom.
I texted him when you walked in,
just in case.
We're good.
I'm still billing you for this.
I haven't slept.
I have this constant gnawing
in my stomach.
And pieces of my hair are falling out.
Without my hair,
I drop from a 10 to a 9!
I know. We're like mice.
And she's the snake toying with us.
Just swallow us whole
and barf us up already.
That's it!
Mom! Dad!
What are you doing?
I've had enough.
Hey, fellas.
What's shakin'?
- We know you know.
- End this already!
Yes! We have a bar. We've been drinking!
But not even that much.
I just like to hold the snifter
in my hand and swirl.
It's a WASP thing.
I'm begging you. Please, punish us.
We know underage drinking is wrong
and promise to never do it again.
Great.
So we'll just take
that booze off your hands
- so you're not tempted.
- Mm.
Oh, you don't have to worry about that.
We poured it down the Japanese toilet.
No!
Oh, well.
I'm gonna drown my sorrows
in a 409 Bloody Mary.
Who wants one?
I'll have a Windex chaser.
Hmm.
Smoke in the sky ♪
Blood all around ♪
Robert Lee retreated
straight from the grounds ♪
It was a turning point
in the civil war ♪
As they pushed Lee away from Philly ♪
No cheesesteaks for Lee,
showed himself out the door ♪
This rebellion is just plain silly ♪
We're gettin' readys-burg
for Gettysburg ♪
Let's go and headys-burg
to Gettysburg ♪
I'm feeling sweatys-burg
from Gettysburg ♪
'Cause history gets me hot! ♪
- Whoo!
- Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
It was so good.
What's his problem?
I think you upstaged him.
You better pray you never
have my class, Otto!