Hacks (2021) s05e06 Episode Script
QuikScribbl
1
[MACHINERY BEEPING, TOOLS WHIRRING]
We finished the staircase
frame a couple hours ago.
Wow.
- Fiber optics in process.
- Terrific.
We ordered the, uh,
oak floors that you like.
Oh, good. Wonderful.
But there is a matter,
uh, we should discuss.
- What?
- Um [CLEARS THROAT]
I don't really want to say this,
since you're threw paint at my truck
when I got the banisters wrong.
Well, suggesting anything
other than rose gold
- was demented.
- Totally.
Um, but the building's gonna be
more work than we discussed.
What are we talking?
Well, the electrical's not up to code.
The HVAC needs to be
completely gutted.
The estimates on the theater
are skyrocketing
because of the custom lighting
and the pyrotechnic capabilities.
Well, a Vegas show
without pyrotechnics
is like a lap dance in broad daylight.
I won't be caught dead doing it.
All in all, we're looking
at an additional $20 million
to get the Diva operational,
and that's just
a conservative estimate.
- Oh, God.
- Just to say it
it would save us a ton if we
didn't have the Deborah statue.
Well, how are people supposed
to make an entrance
- if not between my legs?
- Mm-hmm.
Where's the joy, the whimsy?
Where's the the
- Wow factor.
- The wow factor?
Well
I mean, people love this design.
The underwear mirror
for upskirt selfies
will be a destination
in and of itself.
It's just that it just
seems technically unnecessary.
Unnecessar
Is there a gas leak in here?
Actually, there is, and
that's probably gonna cost
- Oh, my God!
- Okay, okay, okay.
Maybe if we book a headliner,
we can use some of the advance
ticket sales to fund this?
[SIGHS] Okay. I'll get on that.
You try to find an outside investor.
[CLEARS THROAT] Is now a bad time
to discuss why we can't convert
a chlorine pool
- to pink champagne?
- Yes!
Yes, ma'am.
[BRIGHT UPBEAT MUSIC]
He's into me.
♪
So what happened?
What happened? I took her home.
You didn't hear this from me,
but she had
the best night of her life.
- Ah.
- [CELL PHONE RUMBLES]
Oh, it's Deborah.
- Could you give me one second?
- Mm.
Also, you shouldn't be
talking to me about this stuff.
Why not?
- Hello.
- Hi. I need your help.
We're building
that state-of-the-art theater
at the Diva, and we need a comic
for a residency who can bring
in a ton of presales.
Do you know of anyone?
Deborah, you know
you don't have to fish
for compliments with me.
As Kayla would say,
you are the number-one living legend,
and you would slay the boots down
on the Diva, chiquita banana.
It should be you. You should do it.
No, no, no, no, no,
my residency days are behind me.
Oh. Uh, do you know Bruno Fox?
Is he related to Redd Foxx?
I don't think so, 'cause
one is Black and one is white.
But you know what? I never assume.
You don't know what
their mom was doing.
- Okay.
- Anyway, he's, like,
a super-popular podcaster
and stand-up.
He's got a huge following.
Um, oh, he does those Travelocity ads,
which I actually find quite funny.
I don't even hit "skip ad."
Oh, that guy! Oh, he'd be good.
- Can you get him?
- Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I yeah, I can get him.
- Great. Let me know.
- Will do.
Use what you got ♪
To get what you want ♪
It is so weird to be back here.
Wow. She already took down
the pictures I put up.
We've been gone for over two years.
Also, why would she keep up pictures
of you and your college friends?
'Cause we're hot and fun.
Well, look what the cat farted in,
LuSuck And Queefer.
- [LAUGHS]
- Did you two pork yet?
Great to see you guys.
If you're looking to poach clients,
there's a dialysis center
right down the street.
- [LAUGHTER]
- Oh, my goodness.
Wow, that's really funny.
So, look, I'm gonna keep this brief.
Please.
We have an opportunity
for one of your clients.
As you may have heard,
Deborah Vance is opening
a casino hotel in downtown Vegas,
and we would like Bruno Fox
to be the very first
- comic in residence.
- Whoa.
Wow, Bruno. [INHALES SHARPLY]
He has a lot of balls
in the air right now.
Mm-hmm.
This is a huge opportunity
for a stand-up, right?
I mean, you know that.
A Vegas residency means
a steady paycheck,
shows every night of the week.
A lot more money
than he'd make on the road.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, you know, I'll try to
remember to mention it to him
- the next time I talk to him.
- Yeah.
- We'll see what he says.
- Yeah, yeah.
The next time you talk
to him could be right now
if you just dial him up.
Ooh, we'd love to,
but we got to go right now
'cause we've got massages,
the kind where you come.
- Oh.
- Together, you're gonna go?
- Yes.
- Are you serious?
- Are you really gonna walk out
- [IMITATES FLATULENCE]
- Later, dildos.
- Oh, my God.
I know they're gonna
present this to Bruno like
it's a total waste of time
just to fuck with us.
So sadistic.
It reminds me of how I used
to treat this one girl
in my summer camp.
So mean.
You know what? Fuck them.
We are gonna go to Bruno ourselves
and present this offer directly.
Hell, yeah!
I knew you had that dog in ya.
- Ruff!
- All right, here we go.
He's performing this weekend
in Kalamazoo, Michigan.
- We are going.
- Central time, kinky.
- It's Eastern.
- Oh.
Mm, that sucks.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Mm!
To be asked to be
a food tester dream come true.
Well, it's perfect.
I mean, you have flyover-state taste,
and Josefina
has the most refined palate
- of anyone I've ever met.
- Mm.
Pistachio cream in an entrée?
I'm feeling crazy for this.
So, what, if we like this chef's food,
you guys are gonna just poach
him from Marty?
- Yep.
- Damn, ice cold.
The rice is hot, though.
Well, it's not personal.
It's just business.
- [CELL PHONE RUMBLES]
- Oh, excuse me.
I love a little crunch big slay.
Oh, Deborah, I've been
working on the opening joke.
So what about this?
Um, hello, Madison Square Garden.
I've been silenced for 18 months,
so let me finally say this.
Big pants only look good
if you're tall.
Eh.
I don't want to talk about pants.
I can't believe we can't
figure out this opener.
[SIGHS] No, I know.
I think we have writer's block.
We got to get some new energy going.
You know, we could try cold plunging.
- Helps Joe Rogan.
- Helps him do what?
Right. Good point.
So, I put out some feelers
to some friends in the VC world
about funding for the Diva.
And that was Graham Sweeney's office.
He's a young tech developer
big portfolio.
He immediately responded
and wants to fly in to meet with you.
Oh, great.
And he asked for Ava to come, too.
What?
Me? Why?
Oh, my God, do you think this is
like an "Indecent Proposal" situation,
where he'll only give you the millions
if he has one fabulous night
with Ms. Ava Daniels?
"Millions"?
Please, he could get you
with a donation to Greenpeace
and some combat boots.
- [LAUGHS]
- That's
true.
No one is asking you to have sex,
but these VC guys are freaky,
and we need the money.
So, if he asks to eat sushi
off you, you know, play ball.
- [CHUCKLES]
- All right, fine. I'll go.
But I'm telling you
if there's a Philadelphia roll
on my titty, I'm eating that shit.
Marcus, set up the meeting.
And, you, after this,
I'm taking you to a parking lot
to practice walking in high heels.
Mmm.
Now, that is a crispy skin.
Bam!
[UPBEAT FUNK MUSIC]
♪
- [LAUGHTER]
- I'm serious!
So I come out of the men's room,
and I see a trans guy
standing there waiting, right?
I look him in his eyes.
I say, bruh, I do not mean this
like it sounds,
but do not go in there.
Whoo-hoo!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Thank you. Thank you!
Let's go get this son of a bitch.
- I love Kalamazoo!
- Yeah!
- Bruno Fox.
- Yo!
- Can we come in?
- Entrez-vous.
- Okay, bonjour.
- Aha. Yes.
Jimmy LuSaque, Jr. This is
my partner, Kayla Schaefer.
- How you doing?
- Pleasure.
Um, sorry to accost you
right after your set,
- which was amazing by the way.
- So funny.
- We loved it, yeah.
- We couldn't stop smiling
- and laughing.
- Thank you.
But we have a very
attractive offer for you.
I mean, if it's a cuck thing, maybe,
but I'm pretty much retired
from gay stuff.
- Oh.
- It's not a cuck thing.
- No. No.
- Yeah.
We're managers from LA,
Schaefer & LuSaque.
- We represent Deborah Vance.
- Among others.
[LAUGHS]
Um, and we just wanted to talk to you
about a stand-up opportunity
that we think you might like.
Look, man, sorry,
but when I'm offstage,
I can't be about the work
anymore, you know?
- Okay.
- Hmm-kay.
- Um
- But I am down to go out,
if y'all want to party, hmm?
- BOTH: Um
- I'm 100% down for that.
- Okay, sure.
- Yeah, let's do it.
What are you thinking?
I mean, there's a little bar
down the street called Cokies.
Do we need a reservation for Cokies?
No, but we do need someone to drive.
Can y'all drive us?
We got a Subaru we rented,
so let's do it.
Music to my ears.
The CarPlay doesn't work,
but that's all right,
'cause I'll just sing for us
hope you like Nelly Furtado.
Kidding me? I'm a Nelly boy.
Let's get some beers
for the ride, though, right?
Um
[ELEGANT MUSIC]
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
♪
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Good evening.
- Right this way.
- Thank you.
- I'll go get Mr. Sweeney.
What did she say?
This dress is so tight,
I can't hear in it.
Also, it does not leave room
for underwear.
I think my bush is leaving
an indentation.
Well, well, well,
Deborah Vance in the flesh.
This is such an honor.
I'm Graham Sweeney.
- Graham, good to meet you.
- Likewise.
- And Ava.
- Hey. What's going on?
[HIGH-PITCHED] Hi.
I'm so psyched you could come, too.
- I'm a huge fan of both of you.
- Thank you.
So, I guess you're probably wondering
- why I wanted to meet with you.
- Well, no.
I'm never surprised
when a man's interested
- in meeting me.
- [LAUGHS] I bet you're not.
Um, well, would you mind
if I did a little presentation?
Sure.
Okay. Please, come sit.
All right.
♪
Lane will be right out
with some drinks.
She makes a bomb martini.
Have a seat, please.
All right.
- Now, you ladies comfortable?
- Not really.
Okay. First, a little bit about me.
[DEVICE BEEPS]
I got my start streamlining
the way hospitals buy
and receive medical tubing.
Oh, I used to sell
a cat-themed blood pressure monitor.
See? So you get it. Genius.
So now that I've conquered
the health-care industry,
it's time for me to move
into my next venture,
which is an LLM generative
AI model I'm calling
- QuikScribbl.
- Ah.
It's an AI chatbot
that helps people sound
like the most optimized, funniest,
smartest version of themselves.
It's like Photoshopping your voice.
For anybody who's looking to punch up
the way that they speak
or write or make jokes,
this will help, okay?
Take, for example, a
a bridesmaid at a wedding.
[DEVICE BEEPS]
She wants to make a funny toast,
but she's a bank teller.
Sorry, so when you say "she,"
you mean an AI person
that you invented?
- That I prompted, yes.
- Cool.
Let's see how she does.
Sarah's always loved to have fun,
maybe a little too much fun,
if you know what I mean.
Sex!
Ugh. Now, that sucked shit, right?
- [CHUCKLES]
- Yep.
But what if she had had help
crafting that toast
by none other than
comedy goddess Deborah Vance?
Love her.
It might sound
a little something like this.
According to the Talmud,
every bride is beautiful
on her wedding day.
The Talmud is, of course,
the drag queen who did Sarah's
cheek contouring today.
- [LAUGHTER]
- Boom goes the dynamite!
Even Grandpa's deaf ass
is laughing at that one.
Not bad. Yeah, it
it does sound like me.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, so, um
how did you train it
to sound like Deborah already?
Well, by scraping material
that's online.
Oh, so you stole it. [CHUCKLES]
Technically,
right now it's not regulated,
and that's why I've come to you.
I want to compensate you,
and I don't just want what's online.
I want the real Deborah Vance.
Oh, well, then you should've
met me three noses ago.
[LAUGHS] Well, they nailed it.
It's a sexy-ass nose.
Now, look, I want your full library
and for you to work with
the AI itself, training it.
Yeah. Can I ask um, why us?
Because Deborah has the perfect voice
for QuikScribbl.
I mean, you have such mass appeal.
That's why you had
the number-one late-night show
in America.
You tell it like it is
but in a funny way,
and that's how everybody wants to be.
Well, this does kind of prove
my long-standing theory
that my way is best
and everyone else is wrong.
Ha! Exactly.
See, I want that, and when I heard
that you were looking
for investment in your casino,
I was like, well, this is
the coolest opportunity
- for us to partner up.
- Mm.
So, ladies, should we talk
about the nuts and bolts?
- Let's.
- Yeah.
Okay. So we've got three blocks.
It is getting so late.
We got to bring up the residency
as soon as he gets back,
because I don't know
- how much longer I can stay out.
- Come on.
You stayed up all night
for the Fiona Apple presale.
- You can do it tonight.
- She never goes on tour.
It was "Idler Wheel."
It was a big thing for me.
- All right.
- Hey, there he is.
Can we get another round, please?
- You got it.
- Wow. Another round.
Indeed.
I haven't drank this much
since I rushed.
- You were in a frat?
- No, almost.
I wouldn't fuck the goat, and
I reported them to the dean.
But you know what?
I'm proud of that because
it led to much healthier
rush policies on campus.
That's just the kind of guy he is.
He would never fuck any animals.
- No, I wouldn't.
- Okay.
Anyway, so, listen, Deborah Vance, um,
is opening a casino in Las Vegas,
and they're looking for
a comedian to do a residency,
and we think that comedian
should be you.
- A Vegas residency?
- That's right.
Huh.
I could get off the road finally.
Mm-hmm.
That could be a good thing for me.
Bruno, Vegas.
Come on, I mean, raw seafood bars
as far as the eye can see,
strip clubs on every block
I mean, it's the promised land
for guys like us.
This is probably
the tequila talking, but, yeah.
- I'm in.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Okay, amazing.
Fuck it. We are doing it.
Huh? Come on!
- All right!
- Come on, come on, come on.
So, listen, we're gonna head
back to LA tomorrow,
but we'll be in touch with details.
- Well, you can't leave.
- We can't?
No. I have another
show tomorrow night.
Come on, we got to go out afterwards,
celebrate, get drinks.
Oh, uh
Look, if we're gonna work together,
I need to get to know you guys.
We got to bond, you know?
Stay, stay.
- Please?
- Okay.
- Okay, I mean
- All right, we'll stay.
- Yeah.
- Yes!
Now, one question
who's getting the bag?
- Wow, cocaine.
- Oh, cocaine.
- Um
- I just
I was really looking forward
to reading before bed.
Trick question I already got it.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh, my gosh.
Okay, fine. I can only do two lines.
You have given me
so much to think about.
This is really, really interesting.
Fantastic pitch.
Yeah, I have I have
a couple questions. I mean
Look, Ava, I know
how much you've contributed
to Deborah's recent material.
So, if I want to accurately
capture her true voice,
I need you involved.
Okay, so, when we hand over
the material,
you can ensure that
it's just gonna be used
for bridesmaid speeches
and not to make, like,
Hitler seem young and funny
to red-pilled dark web gooners?
Well, we're not in the business
of censoring our customers.
- [SCOFFS] Right.
- Don't try to argue with her.
You'll get nowhere.
Next thing you know,
you'll have donated $10,000
to some barista's top surgery.
I don't know what happened
to the term "boob job."
That's what they called it
when I had one.
Ava, AI is here,
and it's here to stay.
So you either get on board,
or you get left in the past.
See [SCOFFS]
That is a big part of why I hate it.
This this forced inevitability.
People like you are always
saying that it's happening
whether you like it or not,
but you're the ones
making it happen, okay?
And you could easily stop it
if people could say
that they didn't want it.
But you don't want to give
people a choice.
So you just say, oh, the
train's already on the tracks,
and you don't let people
decide for themselves.
I'm sorry.
It is technological R-A-P-E.
- "Rape"?
- You said it, not me.
Oh, okay, okay, let's let's
all just take a breath here.
I wish I could take a breath.
I'm strapped down
in this motherfucker.
I can't breathe in here, Deborah.
Now, why should we believe that
this app is this amazing thing
that is gonna change the world?
Obviously, you want us to believe that
because you stand to profit from it.
So of course you're gonna tell us
that it's happening no matter
what and it's inevitable, okay?
Oh, my God, this is
exactly like when, like,
a fucking random-ass diner
puts a sign out front
that's like, best waffles in America.
And it's like, yeah, according to who?
The people trying to sell
the fucking waffles!
I am not trying to sell you
bad waffles, trust.
Well, yet again,
she's managed to bring waffles
into the conversation. [CHUCKLES]
Okay, lots to think
about here, Graham.
- Yeah.
- Thanks so much.
I'll uh, I'll give it a thought.
I'll talk to my people.
- Thanks, Deborah.
- Yeah.
[GRUNTING] Sorry.
- Ava, you need a hand?
- No, I'm fi I'm good.
- Okay.
- I'm fine.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[UPBEAT JAZZY MUSIC]
♪
[WHINES] I hate this place.
It smells like an old bicycle seat.
It's not that bad.
And we needed to save money, so
let's just try and go to sleep.
I just normally sleep naked.
Well, sorry, but tonight
you're not sleeping naked.
Okay?
Okay, Jimmy.
[SIGHS]
[WHINING]
- What is going on over there?
- I'm so itchy!
- My clothes are making me itchy.
- Okay.
You can take off your clothes
underneath the covers.
But then in the morning,
you're putting them back on
- under the covers, okay?
- Yay.
Take off my lady boxers.
Okay, I don't need a play-by-play.
Just do your thing.
[HUMMING]
Why are you taking them off like that?
That's how I always take
them off I'm disrobing.
- You do this alone?
- What? Yes.
[FUNKY MUSIC]
Now, everybody, take notice.
Show me
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Hello?
I've been waiting for you
down in my office.
Oh, God, can we crack a window?
It smells like King Tutankhamun's tomb
- in here.
- Sorry.
I just I got distracted
researching the ethics of AI.
Turns out really bad.
Yeah, well, everything's unethical
if you think about it too much.
As my manicurist says,
"Can you changing?
Then don't think about."
Oh, my God.
Oh, you want me to whitewash
my manicurist?
People have accents!
Okay, just gonna move past that one.
Look, before you meet
with this guy again,
you should know
that large language models
like QuikScribbl are really,
really bad for the environment.
It's an app. Everyone uses apps?
Aren't all apps bad
for the environment?
Yes, but AI uses servers
that need 15 times more energy,
and they build them
in poorer communities.
Look at this.
In Memphis, an AI plant is
stealing all the fresh water
and blasting the air
with nitrogen oxides.
I see.
And how much energy are you using
keeping 400 tabs open on your browser?
See, I can play this game, too.
- Deborah.
- No, come on.
I sold my Malaysian palm-oil farm.
- Can't I have this?
- No.
I am lending my name and my expertise
to a program that is going
to make people's lives easier.
What about the economy, okay?
I know you care about that.
I mean, AI has already destroyed
massive sectors of the workforce.
Yeah, well, you know,
if you job is replaceable,
let it be replaced.
I'm sorry.
That's how the market works.
Oh, my God. Okay, well, what about me?
AI is absolutely gonna
take away jobs from writers.
- It already has.
- Not if you're good!
If you're good, you can't be replaced.
Did you know that in the '80s,
there was a woman in Miami
who would do my entire set verbatim?
And, honestly, before my lift,
she might've looked
better than me, too.
But she couldn't re-create
my stage presence,
and neither can a computer!
You're missing the point, okay?
Maybe you will be fine,
but there are a ton of people
who won't be, okay?
This is causing a cataclysmic
reshaping of our society
that's going to doom us
Honey, please, please, it's 9:00 a.m.
Okay, well, I'm sorry.
I cannot in good conscience
participate in this.
So, if you use any of my work,
I will sue you.
[SCOFFS] On what grounds?
The one cool thing about
the American legal system
is that I can sue you even
if I have no legal standing.
I learned that from you.
Okay, fine.
I will just do this deal
with material I've written
without you.
Now, can we please stop talking
about this
and go downstairs and work?
No.
I'm gonna go outside
and look at a tree.
Maybe you could teach
your toaster to paint.
Hearts made of stone ♪
[SINGERS SCATTING]
Will never break ♪
If you were a letter,
what letter would you be?
Mm. A?
You would definitely be
an S, unpredictable
All right, there we go
three Long Island Iced Teas.
Oh, no, thank you,
but Long Island's make me sick.
Horny.
- What?
- They make you horny.
Okay, how would you even know that?
Everybody at tennis camp knew that.
You were trying to dance
with everyone.
- Okay
- It's on now.
- That's awesome.
- Okay.
- Cheers to us.
- Cheers, cheers indeed.
Okay, Bruno, I think we need to talk
about the specifics
of the Divalicious residency.
- Residen
- Residency.
[COUGHS] Cy.
What is your earliest availability?
And maybe we could talk
about, um, an on-sale day.
- We can get your poster done.
- Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.
You're making me,
like, nervous, all right?
- Like
- No! Don't be nervous.
- [GOOFY VOICE] Come on, man.
- What is that voice?
Don't be nervous.
I said I don't want to talk business.
It's boring. I want to have fun.
Okay. let's play a drinking game,
get to know each other better,
get a little bit more comfortable.
I am up for a drinking game
at all times.
What do you got?
So me and my besties play a game
where you go around the circle,
and you say the worst thing
that you've ever done.
And if your worst thing
is worse than theirs,
you got to take a drink.
Jimmy, you go first.
Oh, no, let's play flip cup.
Do it! Do it! Do it! [LAUGHS]
Okay, okay.
Okay, this is actually bad.
Um, we got a PR box
of free Sephora products for a client,
and I took them back to Sephora
and returned them
- for store credit.
- No.
- I know, I know.
- That's so bad.
I know, I know, I know.
I've been carrying that around.
It's it's not how I normally am.
But I was just out of this beard lube.
I have this particular kind
of cream that I shave with,
- and I needed to get it.
- Okay.
- So, Bruno, your turn.
- Yeah. No, I'm good, I'm good.
Oh, come on, I just told
my Sephora thing,
- so now I kind of feel weird.
- Okay, fine. I'll go, I'll go.
I got a good one.
Okay, the worst thing I ever did was,
I poked holes in my dad's condoms
'cause I wanted a sister.
And then he used those condoms
with his mistress
and then got her pregnant.
And she wanted to keep it,
but it ended up being a boy,
so now we have, like,
a creepy half brother
- who no one talks to at events.
- Oh. I really love Robert.
I try and make him feel welcome
whenever I see him.
He stinks.
Okay, Bruno, now that you know
the rules, your turn.
What's the worst thing
you've ever done?
It was six years ago
this coming August.
What was?
I was leaving my ex's.
[VOICE BREAKING] And we'd just
gotten in one of these fights
that we would get
into all the time, where
we would just say awful fucking
shit to each other, man,
just trying our hardest
to hurt one another.
[BLUBBERS]
I was driving.
I was so pissed off,
and I couldn't see straight.
And he was just there.
He was just suddenly there
out of nowhere,
and I slammed on the brakes.
I slammed on the brakes,
but it was too late, man.
[DRAMATIC SOMBER MUSIC]
It was too late.
♪
That sound, that sound
I can hear it all the time.
I hear it when I'm trying to sleep.
It's like it haunts me.
♪
He was dead.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
And what would driving him
to the hospital have done?
He was gone.
So I just drove and drove.
I just kept driving.
[CRYING]
- You got to turn yourself in.
- [SNIFFLES] What?
Bruno, think about the family.
That poor family.
- Jimmy
- What? They need closure.
Uh, Bruno, you can't keep
living like this, okay?
It's eating you alive.
You're killing yourself.
Look at you you're
on the road all the time.
You're drinking way too much.
You're self-medicating.
You're totally scaring us.
You never want to talk about work.
It's weird.
The only way through is out.
You've got to turn
yourself in, brother.
[CRIES, SNIFFLING]
You're right.
I can't live this fucking lie anymore.
Fuck, man. [CRYING]
I'll call 911, I guess.
Yeah.
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
Hello.
I am Kayla Schaefer,
and I am reporting a murder
that my friend did.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
Graham, hello.
Hey. Come on.
- Hello, gorgeous.
- Oh, nice to see you again.
[CHUCKLES] Mwah.
You hungry? You want a, uh, piggy?
- Oh, I think I'll pass.
- Okay.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Hey, uh, thanks for meeting me here.
Oh, yeah. You a big, uh, soccer fan?
Eh
I own that French team
right there in the blue unis.
- Oh.
- I'd be there right now,
but it's a lot more important to me
to lock down this deal with you.
Well, I'll tell you what
once my casino is open,
I'll make sure you have your own seat
at the Diva's sportsbook lounge.
Okay. So you're in?
My lawyers looked over the terms,
- and they gave it the okay.
- Ah. Yes!
Eulogies everywhere just got
a whole lot fucking funnier.
- [LAUGHS]
- You are gonna make
- so many people funny.
- Oh, well
And I bet pretty soon
you're gonna be using it
to write your own material.
Oh, well, I doubt that.
Well, you are
'cause it's gonna be so good,
you're gonna want to.
No, I don't think so.
Mm, yes, you will,
'cause everyone's gonna be using it.
So, if you want to keep up
with the other comedians,
you're gonna have to.
But I want to write the jokes.
- Mm-hmm.
- I like doing the work.
So you're telling me that if
you got stuck on a punch line
and you had a tool at your
disposal to help you with that,
- you wouldn't use it?
- Absolutely not.
There's no shortcut.
Yeah, but here's the thing
there is.
I created it. You're welcome.
Well, okay, fine. Yes, there is.
But using that shortcut
then makes it something else.
It makes it not art.
Um, I'm sorry, but your joke
about laser hair removal is art?
Okay, you're right.
It's pretentious to call it art.
But that "laser hair removal"
joke is something I arrived
at after trying
a million other versions.
Every time that joke didn't work,
not only did I make it better,
but it made me a comedian
- Mm-hmm.
- Because to become one,
you have to do it and fail
and do it and fail
over and over and over until
you figure out who you are.
Lady, stop squawking at me.
All I'm trying to do
is make your life easier.
But it shouldn't be.
Why are you trying to optimize
the creative process?
I mean, that's one of the things
we've actually figured out
we're good there.
You know, and we have been ever since
cavemen told stories about bears.
I mean, fix the ozone,
come up with a cure for cancer.
Oh, my God, cancer again.
Look, it sounds a little bit
like you don't really respect
QuikScribbl.
I respect your business acumen.
I do, I do, but art is only art
because of the humanity behind it.
Plenty of artists
are already using it.
Well, fine. That's their right.
It doesn't mean
I have to respect them.
Oh, excuse me, I didn't know
Shakespeare had a beehive.
[SCOFFS, LAUGHING]
Oh, okay, that was good.
That was good.
See, you came up with that
all by yourself.
Aren't you proud?
Yeah, this is clearly not gonna work.
- Yeah, guess not.
- Take care.
Okay, you take care, too.
You know what, lady?
I can get any comic
I want to train my AI.
"Kill Tony" said he'd do it for free.
Yeah, you do that.
By the way, one of your guys
just scored an own goal.
Ah, fuck!
Fuck.
- What?
- Chill out, man.
Just watch the game.
Yeah, yeah, come on, baby ♪
♪
You know I need ya ♪
- What are you doing out here?
- [SIGHS]
[INSECTS CHIRPING]
Listening to the crickets
while I write
watching the stars,
communing with nature,
you know, while I still can.
[SIGHS]
You get your blood money?
No.
I decided against it.
- Are you serious?
- Yes.
Yes! Whoo!
Score one for the good guys!
I am so glad I got through to you.
No, no, this was an amoral decision
based on a nerd being a loser to me.
- If you say so.
- Oh, please.
This was not all you.
If I was that susceptible
to your influence,
I would have become a communist
the moment you first darkened
my doorstep.
- Whatever.
- Oh, God.
[CHUCKLES] All right.
Now that that's behind us,
let's see if we can tackle
the real existential problem
- of our time.
- Hmm.
- This goddamn opening joke.
- Oh, yeah.
I've been, uh I've been
working on a couple things.
Check that out.
[SNIFFS]
- Oof.
- Okay.
Guess I didn't figure it out.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, no, but that's okay.
We will
or we won't, you know,
but at least it'll be on us.
Hell, yeah.
[CHIRPING CONTINUES]
I got to be honest
I haven't written anything
in, like, 30 minutes.
I accidentally dropped my pen
in the pond.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
- But I've been thinking.
- [LAUGHS]
- [KNOCK AT DOOR]
- Housekeeping.
[HUMMING MELODY]
[SIGHING] Okay.
- [SCREAMS]
- [SCREAMS]
- Oh, my God! Why
- Oh, oh!
- Oh, my God!
- Where are my clothes?
- Where are my clothes?
- I'm sorry.
- Did we have sex?
- No!
Well, then why am I naked?
Oh, my God, did Kayla and I have sex?
- Who's Kayla?
- My partner!
Then wouldn't it be okay
if you had sex?
No! She's my business partner.
This is a work trip.
What is going on?
- Did you guys have sex?
- BOTH: No!
Okay, well, he's naked.
You got to give him privacy.
Come on.
So weird. What is up with this hotel?
Kayla, what happened last night?
Well, we convinced Bruno
to turn himself in
after a hit-and-run.
- That was crazy.
- Oh, my God.
Fuck, that's right. And then what?
And then the last Long Island
really got you.
You could barely walk.
It was kind of sweet seeing you
so vulnerable like that.
Then we found out
that the hotel has bedbugs.
Bedbugs?
- Oh! Oh! Oh, my
- I know.
I I was like, bedbugs are real?
We freaked out.
We burned all our clothes.
- You burned our clothes?
- We burned our clothes.
You were the one that lit
the first match, honey.
Why did you let me sleep here
if there are bedbugs?
Let you? [SCOFFS]
I don't let you do anything.
I'm not in charge
of anyone's actions but my own.
I am really getting it.
Oh, my God,
no wonder you were so itchy.
Of course there were bedbugs.
Anyways, I got us new clothes
at Sassafras.
What the fuck is Sassafras?
It's a teen clothing store for girls.
It's the only place that was open,
but they have some
really cute stuff in there.
It's also so important
for girls in the community
to have a place that they can go,
get cute stuff
that doesn't sexualize them.
I don't care. Good for them.
You should care.
I talked to Mandy about it.
Who the fuck is Mandy, and
why are we talking about her?
The owner of Sassafras!
She is a small-business owner,
and you just yelled about her!
Okay, I'm sure she's lovely.
I just want to get dressed.
This is highly inappropriate, Kayla.
Okay, here, here's your clothes.
Put it on.
Last time I ever help you
with anything.
Just kidding.
Hurry up, We're gonna miss the flight.
Oh.
Oh, Lord ♪
♪
Oh, my God, are you sure
we're walking the right way?
I think so. Where the F is it?
I swear I parked here.
We've been walking forever,
and these stupid Sugar Floaties
are giving me horrible blisters.
Get over it. You look good.
[CELL PHONE RUMBLING]
Oh, no, it's Deborah.
I'm gonna have to tell her
about Bruno.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I know you've been working
on getting us Bruno Fox for the Diva,
but I've changed my mind.
Oh, no. Why?
We're scaling way back.
I selflessly have given up
on the idea of erecting
a giant statue of myself.
It it's a tragedy.
Jimmy, you should have seen
the breasts.
And we are scrapping the whole
idea of a big theater entirely.
Instead it's gonna be
a proper comedy club
you know, intimate, old school,
you know, a place
where emerging comics
have a chance to hone their voices.
I actually think that's really cool.
Great. Well, I hope
you didn't go to any trouble.
Oh, no.
- No trouble at all.
- Good.
- Okay, Let's talk soon.
- Bye.
Well, she doesn't want Bruno.
So I guess we got bedbugs for nothing.
- [CAR ALARM CHIRPS]
- Oh, I think that's it! Yes!
Oh, thank God.
- My car!
- Hey!
Hey, wait! Wait, wait!
We paid for parking. Wait.
Daddy? What the hell?
My God, have you no dignity? Cover up.
Uh, I am covered. It's a full blouse.
I'm talking to Jimmy.
You look like two Hannah Montanas.
Hannah Montana was two people,
you fucking moron.
We got bedbugs,
and we had to go to Sassafras.
- What about the chokers?
- They complete the look.
Apparently, they complete the look.
Mm, I'm taking
your Porsche back, Kayla.
What? You can't take back
a 31st-birthday gift,
you crazy psycho!
See, I heard what you did.
You talked Bruno
into turning himself in.
Why didn't you just leverage it,
offer to keep his secret
if he did
your stupid fucking residency?
It's about closure for the family!
Well, losing your car
is just the beginning, Kayla.
You see, our most valuable asset
it's not our money.
It is the Schaefer family name,
and you are sullying it.
Whatever. Who cares?
I'm not paying
for your bullshit anymore.
- Your trust fund's gone.
- Wait, what?
And say goodbye to your fancy office.
Good luck running your
pathetic fucking company now.
Let's go!
[NELLY FURTADO'S "I'M LIKE A BIRD"]
♪
Fuck!
sync & corrections awaqeded
I don't know
where my soul is, soul is ♪
I don't know where my home is ♪
And baby all I need
for you to know is ♪
I'm like a bird,
I'll only fly away ♪
I don't know
where my soul is, soul is ♪
I don't know where my home is ♪
All I need for you to know is ♪
Your faith in me ♪
Brings me to tears, ah ♪
Even after all these years, yeah ♪
And it pains me so much to tell ♪
That you don't know me that well ♪
And though my love is great ♪
And though my love is true ♪
I'm like a bird,
I'll only fly away ♪
I don't know
where my soul is, soul is ♪
I don't know where my home is ♪
And, baby, all I need
for you to know is ♪
I'm like a bird, I only fly away ♪
I don't know
where my soul is, soul is ♪
I don't know where my home is ♪
And, baby, all I need
for you to know is ♪
I'm like a bird,
I'll only fly away ♪
I don't know ♪
[MACHINERY BEEPING, TOOLS WHIRRING]
We finished the staircase
frame a couple hours ago.
Wow.
- Fiber optics in process.
- Terrific.
We ordered the, uh,
oak floors that you like.
Oh, good. Wonderful.
But there is a matter,
uh, we should discuss.
- What?
- Um [CLEARS THROAT]
I don't really want to say this,
since you're threw paint at my truck
when I got the banisters wrong.
Well, suggesting anything
other than rose gold
- was demented.
- Totally.
Um, but the building's gonna be
more work than we discussed.
What are we talking?
Well, the electrical's not up to code.
The HVAC needs to be
completely gutted.
The estimates on the theater
are skyrocketing
because of the custom lighting
and the pyrotechnic capabilities.
Well, a Vegas show
without pyrotechnics
is like a lap dance in broad daylight.
I won't be caught dead doing it.
All in all, we're looking
at an additional $20 million
to get the Diva operational,
and that's just
a conservative estimate.
- Oh, God.
- Just to say it
it would save us a ton if we
didn't have the Deborah statue.
Well, how are people supposed
to make an entrance
- if not between my legs?
- Mm-hmm.
Where's the joy, the whimsy?
Where's the the
- Wow factor.
- The wow factor?
Well
I mean, people love this design.
The underwear mirror
for upskirt selfies
will be a destination
in and of itself.
It's just that it just
seems technically unnecessary.
Unnecessar
Is there a gas leak in here?
Actually, there is, and
that's probably gonna cost
- Oh, my God!
- Okay, okay, okay.
Maybe if we book a headliner,
we can use some of the advance
ticket sales to fund this?
[SIGHS] Okay. I'll get on that.
You try to find an outside investor.
[CLEARS THROAT] Is now a bad time
to discuss why we can't convert
a chlorine pool
- to pink champagne?
- Yes!
Yes, ma'am.
[BRIGHT UPBEAT MUSIC]
He's into me.
♪
So what happened?
What happened? I took her home.
You didn't hear this from me,
but she had
the best night of her life.
- Ah.
- [CELL PHONE RUMBLES]
Oh, it's Deborah.
- Could you give me one second?
- Mm.
Also, you shouldn't be
talking to me about this stuff.
Why not?
- Hello.
- Hi. I need your help.
We're building
that state-of-the-art theater
at the Diva, and we need a comic
for a residency who can bring
in a ton of presales.
Do you know of anyone?
Deborah, you know
you don't have to fish
for compliments with me.
As Kayla would say,
you are the number-one living legend,
and you would slay the boots down
on the Diva, chiquita banana.
It should be you. You should do it.
No, no, no, no, no,
my residency days are behind me.
Oh. Uh, do you know Bruno Fox?
Is he related to Redd Foxx?
I don't think so, 'cause
one is Black and one is white.
But you know what? I never assume.
You don't know what
their mom was doing.
- Okay.
- Anyway, he's, like,
a super-popular podcaster
and stand-up.
He's got a huge following.
Um, oh, he does those Travelocity ads,
which I actually find quite funny.
I don't even hit "skip ad."
Oh, that guy! Oh, he'd be good.
- Can you get him?
- Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I yeah, I can get him.
- Great. Let me know.
- Will do.
Use what you got ♪
To get what you want ♪
It is so weird to be back here.
Wow. She already took down
the pictures I put up.
We've been gone for over two years.
Also, why would she keep up pictures
of you and your college friends?
'Cause we're hot and fun.
Well, look what the cat farted in,
LuSuck And Queefer.
- [LAUGHS]
- Did you two pork yet?
Great to see you guys.
If you're looking to poach clients,
there's a dialysis center
right down the street.
- [LAUGHTER]
- Oh, my goodness.
Wow, that's really funny.
So, look, I'm gonna keep this brief.
Please.
We have an opportunity
for one of your clients.
As you may have heard,
Deborah Vance is opening
a casino hotel in downtown Vegas,
and we would like Bruno Fox
to be the very first
- comic in residence.
- Whoa.
Wow, Bruno. [INHALES SHARPLY]
He has a lot of balls
in the air right now.
Mm-hmm.
This is a huge opportunity
for a stand-up, right?
I mean, you know that.
A Vegas residency means
a steady paycheck,
shows every night of the week.
A lot more money
than he'd make on the road.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, you know, I'll try to
remember to mention it to him
- the next time I talk to him.
- Yeah.
- We'll see what he says.
- Yeah, yeah.
The next time you talk
to him could be right now
if you just dial him up.
Ooh, we'd love to,
but we got to go right now
'cause we've got massages,
the kind where you come.
- Oh.
- Together, you're gonna go?
- Yes.
- Are you serious?
- Are you really gonna walk out
- [IMITATES FLATULENCE]
- Later, dildos.
- Oh, my God.
I know they're gonna
present this to Bruno like
it's a total waste of time
just to fuck with us.
So sadistic.
It reminds me of how I used
to treat this one girl
in my summer camp.
So mean.
You know what? Fuck them.
We are gonna go to Bruno ourselves
and present this offer directly.
Hell, yeah!
I knew you had that dog in ya.
- Ruff!
- All right, here we go.
He's performing this weekend
in Kalamazoo, Michigan.
- We are going.
- Central time, kinky.
- It's Eastern.
- Oh.
Mm, that sucks.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Mm!
To be asked to be
a food tester dream come true.
Well, it's perfect.
I mean, you have flyover-state taste,
and Josefina
has the most refined palate
- of anyone I've ever met.
- Mm.
Pistachio cream in an entrée?
I'm feeling crazy for this.
So, what, if we like this chef's food,
you guys are gonna just poach
him from Marty?
- Yep.
- Damn, ice cold.
The rice is hot, though.
Well, it's not personal.
It's just business.
- [CELL PHONE RUMBLES]
- Oh, excuse me.
I love a little crunch big slay.
Oh, Deborah, I've been
working on the opening joke.
So what about this?
Um, hello, Madison Square Garden.
I've been silenced for 18 months,
so let me finally say this.
Big pants only look good
if you're tall.
Eh.
I don't want to talk about pants.
I can't believe we can't
figure out this opener.
[SIGHS] No, I know.
I think we have writer's block.
We got to get some new energy going.
You know, we could try cold plunging.
- Helps Joe Rogan.
- Helps him do what?
Right. Good point.
So, I put out some feelers
to some friends in the VC world
about funding for the Diva.
And that was Graham Sweeney's office.
He's a young tech developer
big portfolio.
He immediately responded
and wants to fly in to meet with you.
Oh, great.
And he asked for Ava to come, too.
What?
Me? Why?
Oh, my God, do you think this is
like an "Indecent Proposal" situation,
where he'll only give you the millions
if he has one fabulous night
with Ms. Ava Daniels?
"Millions"?
Please, he could get you
with a donation to Greenpeace
and some combat boots.
- [LAUGHS]
- That's
true.
No one is asking you to have sex,
but these VC guys are freaky,
and we need the money.
So, if he asks to eat sushi
off you, you know, play ball.
- [CHUCKLES]
- All right, fine. I'll go.
But I'm telling you
if there's a Philadelphia roll
on my titty, I'm eating that shit.
Marcus, set up the meeting.
And, you, after this,
I'm taking you to a parking lot
to practice walking in high heels.
Mmm.
Now, that is a crispy skin.
Bam!
[UPBEAT FUNK MUSIC]
♪
- [LAUGHTER]
- I'm serious!
So I come out of the men's room,
and I see a trans guy
standing there waiting, right?
I look him in his eyes.
I say, bruh, I do not mean this
like it sounds,
but do not go in there.
Whoo-hoo!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Thank you. Thank you!
Let's go get this son of a bitch.
- I love Kalamazoo!
- Yeah!
- Bruno Fox.
- Yo!
- Can we come in?
- Entrez-vous.
- Okay, bonjour.
- Aha. Yes.
Jimmy LuSaque, Jr. This is
my partner, Kayla Schaefer.
- How you doing?
- Pleasure.
Um, sorry to accost you
right after your set,
- which was amazing by the way.
- So funny.
- We loved it, yeah.
- We couldn't stop smiling
- and laughing.
- Thank you.
But we have a very
attractive offer for you.
I mean, if it's a cuck thing, maybe,
but I'm pretty much retired
from gay stuff.
- Oh.
- It's not a cuck thing.
- No. No.
- Yeah.
We're managers from LA,
Schaefer & LuSaque.
- We represent Deborah Vance.
- Among others.
[LAUGHS]
Um, and we just wanted to talk to you
about a stand-up opportunity
that we think you might like.
Look, man, sorry,
but when I'm offstage,
I can't be about the work
anymore, you know?
- Okay.
- Hmm-kay.
- Um
- But I am down to go out,
if y'all want to party, hmm?
- BOTH: Um
- I'm 100% down for that.
- Okay, sure.
- Yeah, let's do it.
What are you thinking?
I mean, there's a little bar
down the street called Cokies.
Do we need a reservation for Cokies?
No, but we do need someone to drive.
Can y'all drive us?
We got a Subaru we rented,
so let's do it.
Music to my ears.
The CarPlay doesn't work,
but that's all right,
'cause I'll just sing for us
hope you like Nelly Furtado.
Kidding me? I'm a Nelly boy.
Let's get some beers
for the ride, though, right?
Um
[ELEGANT MUSIC]
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
♪
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Good evening.
- Right this way.
- Thank you.
- I'll go get Mr. Sweeney.
What did she say?
This dress is so tight,
I can't hear in it.
Also, it does not leave room
for underwear.
I think my bush is leaving
an indentation.
Well, well, well,
Deborah Vance in the flesh.
This is such an honor.
I'm Graham Sweeney.
- Graham, good to meet you.
- Likewise.
- And Ava.
- Hey. What's going on?
[HIGH-PITCHED] Hi.
I'm so psyched you could come, too.
- I'm a huge fan of both of you.
- Thank you.
So, I guess you're probably wondering
- why I wanted to meet with you.
- Well, no.
I'm never surprised
when a man's interested
- in meeting me.
- [LAUGHS] I bet you're not.
Um, well, would you mind
if I did a little presentation?
Sure.
Okay. Please, come sit.
All right.
♪
Lane will be right out
with some drinks.
She makes a bomb martini.
Have a seat, please.
All right.
- Now, you ladies comfortable?
- Not really.
Okay. First, a little bit about me.
[DEVICE BEEPS]
I got my start streamlining
the way hospitals buy
and receive medical tubing.
Oh, I used to sell
a cat-themed blood pressure monitor.
See? So you get it. Genius.
So now that I've conquered
the health-care industry,
it's time for me to move
into my next venture,
which is an LLM generative
AI model I'm calling
- QuikScribbl.
- Ah.
It's an AI chatbot
that helps people sound
like the most optimized, funniest,
smartest version of themselves.
It's like Photoshopping your voice.
For anybody who's looking to punch up
the way that they speak
or write or make jokes,
this will help, okay?
Take, for example, a
a bridesmaid at a wedding.
[DEVICE BEEPS]
She wants to make a funny toast,
but she's a bank teller.
Sorry, so when you say "she,"
you mean an AI person
that you invented?
- That I prompted, yes.
- Cool.
Let's see how she does.
Sarah's always loved to have fun,
maybe a little too much fun,
if you know what I mean.
Sex!
Ugh. Now, that sucked shit, right?
- [CHUCKLES]
- Yep.
But what if she had had help
crafting that toast
by none other than
comedy goddess Deborah Vance?
Love her.
It might sound
a little something like this.
According to the Talmud,
every bride is beautiful
on her wedding day.
The Talmud is, of course,
the drag queen who did Sarah's
cheek contouring today.
- [LAUGHTER]
- Boom goes the dynamite!
Even Grandpa's deaf ass
is laughing at that one.
Not bad. Yeah, it
it does sound like me.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, so, um
how did you train it
to sound like Deborah already?
Well, by scraping material
that's online.
Oh, so you stole it. [CHUCKLES]
Technically,
right now it's not regulated,
and that's why I've come to you.
I want to compensate you,
and I don't just want what's online.
I want the real Deborah Vance.
Oh, well, then you should've
met me three noses ago.
[LAUGHS] Well, they nailed it.
It's a sexy-ass nose.
Now, look, I want your full library
and for you to work with
the AI itself, training it.
Yeah. Can I ask um, why us?
Because Deborah has the perfect voice
for QuikScribbl.
I mean, you have such mass appeal.
That's why you had
the number-one late-night show
in America.
You tell it like it is
but in a funny way,
and that's how everybody wants to be.
Well, this does kind of prove
my long-standing theory
that my way is best
and everyone else is wrong.
Ha! Exactly.
See, I want that, and when I heard
that you were looking
for investment in your casino,
I was like, well, this is
the coolest opportunity
- for us to partner up.
- Mm.
So, ladies, should we talk
about the nuts and bolts?
- Let's.
- Yeah.
Okay. So we've got three blocks.
It is getting so late.
We got to bring up the residency
as soon as he gets back,
because I don't know
- how much longer I can stay out.
- Come on.
You stayed up all night
for the Fiona Apple presale.
- You can do it tonight.
- She never goes on tour.
It was "Idler Wheel."
It was a big thing for me.
- All right.
- Hey, there he is.
Can we get another round, please?
- You got it.
- Wow. Another round.
Indeed.
I haven't drank this much
since I rushed.
- You were in a frat?
- No, almost.
I wouldn't fuck the goat, and
I reported them to the dean.
But you know what?
I'm proud of that because
it led to much healthier
rush policies on campus.
That's just the kind of guy he is.
He would never fuck any animals.
- No, I wouldn't.
- Okay.
Anyway, so, listen, Deborah Vance, um,
is opening a casino in Las Vegas,
and they're looking for
a comedian to do a residency,
and we think that comedian
should be you.
- A Vegas residency?
- That's right.
Huh.
I could get off the road finally.
Mm-hmm.
That could be a good thing for me.
Bruno, Vegas.
Come on, I mean, raw seafood bars
as far as the eye can see,
strip clubs on every block
I mean, it's the promised land
for guys like us.
This is probably
the tequila talking, but, yeah.
- I'm in.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Okay, amazing.
Fuck it. We are doing it.
Huh? Come on!
- All right!
- Come on, come on, come on.
So, listen, we're gonna head
back to LA tomorrow,
but we'll be in touch with details.
- Well, you can't leave.
- We can't?
No. I have another
show tomorrow night.
Come on, we got to go out afterwards,
celebrate, get drinks.
Oh, uh
Look, if we're gonna work together,
I need to get to know you guys.
We got to bond, you know?
Stay, stay.
- Please?
- Okay.
- Okay, I mean
- All right, we'll stay.
- Yeah.
- Yes!
Now, one question
who's getting the bag?
- Wow, cocaine.
- Oh, cocaine.
- Um
- I just
I was really looking forward
to reading before bed.
Trick question I already got it.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh, my gosh.
Okay, fine. I can only do two lines.
You have given me
so much to think about.
This is really, really interesting.
Fantastic pitch.
Yeah, I have I have
a couple questions. I mean
Look, Ava, I know
how much you've contributed
to Deborah's recent material.
So, if I want to accurately
capture her true voice,
I need you involved.
Okay, so, when we hand over
the material,
you can ensure that
it's just gonna be used
for bridesmaid speeches
and not to make, like,
Hitler seem young and funny
to red-pilled dark web gooners?
Well, we're not in the business
of censoring our customers.
- [SCOFFS] Right.
- Don't try to argue with her.
You'll get nowhere.
Next thing you know,
you'll have donated $10,000
to some barista's top surgery.
I don't know what happened
to the term "boob job."
That's what they called it
when I had one.
Ava, AI is here,
and it's here to stay.
So you either get on board,
or you get left in the past.
See [SCOFFS]
That is a big part of why I hate it.
This this forced inevitability.
People like you are always
saying that it's happening
whether you like it or not,
but you're the ones
making it happen, okay?
And you could easily stop it
if people could say
that they didn't want it.
But you don't want to give
people a choice.
So you just say, oh, the
train's already on the tracks,
and you don't let people
decide for themselves.
I'm sorry.
It is technological R-A-P-E.
- "Rape"?
- You said it, not me.
Oh, okay, okay, let's let's
all just take a breath here.
I wish I could take a breath.
I'm strapped down
in this motherfucker.
I can't breathe in here, Deborah.
Now, why should we believe that
this app is this amazing thing
that is gonna change the world?
Obviously, you want us to believe that
because you stand to profit from it.
So of course you're gonna tell us
that it's happening no matter
what and it's inevitable, okay?
Oh, my God, this is
exactly like when, like,
a fucking random-ass diner
puts a sign out front
that's like, best waffles in America.
And it's like, yeah, according to who?
The people trying to sell
the fucking waffles!
I am not trying to sell you
bad waffles, trust.
Well, yet again,
she's managed to bring waffles
into the conversation. [CHUCKLES]
Okay, lots to think
about here, Graham.
- Yeah.
- Thanks so much.
I'll uh, I'll give it a thought.
I'll talk to my people.
- Thanks, Deborah.
- Yeah.
[GRUNTING] Sorry.
- Ava, you need a hand?
- No, I'm fi I'm good.
- Okay.
- I'm fine.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[UPBEAT JAZZY MUSIC]
♪
[WHINES] I hate this place.
It smells like an old bicycle seat.
It's not that bad.
And we needed to save money, so
let's just try and go to sleep.
I just normally sleep naked.
Well, sorry, but tonight
you're not sleeping naked.
Okay?
Okay, Jimmy.
[SIGHS]
[WHINING]
- What is going on over there?
- I'm so itchy!
- My clothes are making me itchy.
- Okay.
You can take off your clothes
underneath the covers.
But then in the morning,
you're putting them back on
- under the covers, okay?
- Yay.
Take off my lady boxers.
Okay, I don't need a play-by-play.
Just do your thing.
[HUMMING]
Why are you taking them off like that?
That's how I always take
them off I'm disrobing.
- You do this alone?
- What? Yes.
[FUNKY MUSIC]
Now, everybody, take notice.
Show me
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Hello?
I've been waiting for you
down in my office.
Oh, God, can we crack a window?
It smells like King Tutankhamun's tomb
- in here.
- Sorry.
I just I got distracted
researching the ethics of AI.
Turns out really bad.
Yeah, well, everything's unethical
if you think about it too much.
As my manicurist says,
"Can you changing?
Then don't think about."
Oh, my God.
Oh, you want me to whitewash
my manicurist?
People have accents!
Okay, just gonna move past that one.
Look, before you meet
with this guy again,
you should know
that large language models
like QuikScribbl are really,
really bad for the environment.
It's an app. Everyone uses apps?
Aren't all apps bad
for the environment?
Yes, but AI uses servers
that need 15 times more energy,
and they build them
in poorer communities.
Look at this.
In Memphis, an AI plant is
stealing all the fresh water
and blasting the air
with nitrogen oxides.
I see.
And how much energy are you using
keeping 400 tabs open on your browser?
See, I can play this game, too.
- Deborah.
- No, come on.
I sold my Malaysian palm-oil farm.
- Can't I have this?
- No.
I am lending my name and my expertise
to a program that is going
to make people's lives easier.
What about the economy, okay?
I know you care about that.
I mean, AI has already destroyed
massive sectors of the workforce.
Yeah, well, you know,
if you job is replaceable,
let it be replaced.
I'm sorry.
That's how the market works.
Oh, my God. Okay, well, what about me?
AI is absolutely gonna
take away jobs from writers.
- It already has.
- Not if you're good!
If you're good, you can't be replaced.
Did you know that in the '80s,
there was a woman in Miami
who would do my entire set verbatim?
And, honestly, before my lift,
she might've looked
better than me, too.
But she couldn't re-create
my stage presence,
and neither can a computer!
You're missing the point, okay?
Maybe you will be fine,
but there are a ton of people
who won't be, okay?
This is causing a cataclysmic
reshaping of our society
that's going to doom us
Honey, please, please, it's 9:00 a.m.
Okay, well, I'm sorry.
I cannot in good conscience
participate in this.
So, if you use any of my work,
I will sue you.
[SCOFFS] On what grounds?
The one cool thing about
the American legal system
is that I can sue you even
if I have no legal standing.
I learned that from you.
Okay, fine.
I will just do this deal
with material I've written
without you.
Now, can we please stop talking
about this
and go downstairs and work?
No.
I'm gonna go outside
and look at a tree.
Maybe you could teach
your toaster to paint.
Hearts made of stone ♪
[SINGERS SCATTING]
Will never break ♪
If you were a letter,
what letter would you be?
Mm. A?
You would definitely be
an S, unpredictable
All right, there we go
three Long Island Iced Teas.
Oh, no, thank you,
but Long Island's make me sick.
Horny.
- What?
- They make you horny.
Okay, how would you even know that?
Everybody at tennis camp knew that.
You were trying to dance
with everyone.
- Okay
- It's on now.
- That's awesome.
- Okay.
- Cheers to us.
- Cheers, cheers indeed.
Okay, Bruno, I think we need to talk
about the specifics
of the Divalicious residency.
- Residen
- Residency.
[COUGHS] Cy.
What is your earliest availability?
And maybe we could talk
about, um, an on-sale day.
- We can get your poster done.
- Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.
You're making me,
like, nervous, all right?
- Like
- No! Don't be nervous.
- [GOOFY VOICE] Come on, man.
- What is that voice?
Don't be nervous.
I said I don't want to talk business.
It's boring. I want to have fun.
Okay. let's play a drinking game,
get to know each other better,
get a little bit more comfortable.
I am up for a drinking game
at all times.
What do you got?
So me and my besties play a game
where you go around the circle,
and you say the worst thing
that you've ever done.
And if your worst thing
is worse than theirs,
you got to take a drink.
Jimmy, you go first.
Oh, no, let's play flip cup.
Do it! Do it! Do it! [LAUGHS]
Okay, okay.
Okay, this is actually bad.
Um, we got a PR box
of free Sephora products for a client,
and I took them back to Sephora
and returned them
- for store credit.
- No.
- I know, I know.
- That's so bad.
I know, I know, I know.
I've been carrying that around.
It's it's not how I normally am.
But I was just out of this beard lube.
I have this particular kind
of cream that I shave with,
- and I needed to get it.
- Okay.
- So, Bruno, your turn.
- Yeah. No, I'm good, I'm good.
Oh, come on, I just told
my Sephora thing,
- so now I kind of feel weird.
- Okay, fine. I'll go, I'll go.
I got a good one.
Okay, the worst thing I ever did was,
I poked holes in my dad's condoms
'cause I wanted a sister.
And then he used those condoms
with his mistress
and then got her pregnant.
And she wanted to keep it,
but it ended up being a boy,
so now we have, like,
a creepy half brother
- who no one talks to at events.
- Oh. I really love Robert.
I try and make him feel welcome
whenever I see him.
He stinks.
Okay, Bruno, now that you know
the rules, your turn.
What's the worst thing
you've ever done?
It was six years ago
this coming August.
What was?
I was leaving my ex's.
[VOICE BREAKING] And we'd just
gotten in one of these fights
that we would get
into all the time, where
we would just say awful fucking
shit to each other, man,
just trying our hardest
to hurt one another.
[BLUBBERS]
I was driving.
I was so pissed off,
and I couldn't see straight.
And he was just there.
He was just suddenly there
out of nowhere,
and I slammed on the brakes.
I slammed on the brakes,
but it was too late, man.
[DRAMATIC SOMBER MUSIC]
It was too late.
♪
That sound, that sound
I can hear it all the time.
I hear it when I'm trying to sleep.
It's like it haunts me.
♪
He was dead.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
And what would driving him
to the hospital have done?
He was gone.
So I just drove and drove.
I just kept driving.
[CRYING]
- You got to turn yourself in.
- [SNIFFLES] What?
Bruno, think about the family.
That poor family.
- Jimmy
- What? They need closure.
Uh, Bruno, you can't keep
living like this, okay?
It's eating you alive.
You're killing yourself.
Look at you you're
on the road all the time.
You're drinking way too much.
You're self-medicating.
You're totally scaring us.
You never want to talk about work.
It's weird.
The only way through is out.
You've got to turn
yourself in, brother.
[CRIES, SNIFFLING]
You're right.
I can't live this fucking lie anymore.
Fuck, man. [CRYING]
I'll call 911, I guess.
Yeah.
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
Hello.
I am Kayla Schaefer,
and I am reporting a murder
that my friend did.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
Graham, hello.
Hey. Come on.
- Hello, gorgeous.
- Oh, nice to see you again.
[CHUCKLES] Mwah.
You hungry? You want a, uh, piggy?
- Oh, I think I'll pass.
- Okay.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Hey, uh, thanks for meeting me here.
Oh, yeah. You a big, uh, soccer fan?
Eh
I own that French team
right there in the blue unis.
- Oh.
- I'd be there right now,
but it's a lot more important to me
to lock down this deal with you.
Well, I'll tell you what
once my casino is open,
I'll make sure you have your own seat
at the Diva's sportsbook lounge.
Okay. So you're in?
My lawyers looked over the terms,
- and they gave it the okay.
- Ah. Yes!
Eulogies everywhere just got
a whole lot fucking funnier.
- [LAUGHS]
- You are gonna make
- so many people funny.
- Oh, well
And I bet pretty soon
you're gonna be using it
to write your own material.
Oh, well, I doubt that.
Well, you are
'cause it's gonna be so good,
you're gonna want to.
No, I don't think so.
Mm, yes, you will,
'cause everyone's gonna be using it.
So, if you want to keep up
with the other comedians,
you're gonna have to.
But I want to write the jokes.
- Mm-hmm.
- I like doing the work.
So you're telling me that if
you got stuck on a punch line
and you had a tool at your
disposal to help you with that,
- you wouldn't use it?
- Absolutely not.
There's no shortcut.
Yeah, but here's the thing
there is.
I created it. You're welcome.
Well, okay, fine. Yes, there is.
But using that shortcut
then makes it something else.
It makes it not art.
Um, I'm sorry, but your joke
about laser hair removal is art?
Okay, you're right.
It's pretentious to call it art.
But that "laser hair removal"
joke is something I arrived
at after trying
a million other versions.
Every time that joke didn't work,
not only did I make it better,
but it made me a comedian
- Mm-hmm.
- Because to become one,
you have to do it and fail
and do it and fail
over and over and over until
you figure out who you are.
Lady, stop squawking at me.
All I'm trying to do
is make your life easier.
But it shouldn't be.
Why are you trying to optimize
the creative process?
I mean, that's one of the things
we've actually figured out
we're good there.
You know, and we have been ever since
cavemen told stories about bears.
I mean, fix the ozone,
come up with a cure for cancer.
Oh, my God, cancer again.
Look, it sounds a little bit
like you don't really respect
QuikScribbl.
I respect your business acumen.
I do, I do, but art is only art
because of the humanity behind it.
Plenty of artists
are already using it.
Well, fine. That's their right.
It doesn't mean
I have to respect them.
Oh, excuse me, I didn't know
Shakespeare had a beehive.
[SCOFFS, LAUGHING]
Oh, okay, that was good.
That was good.
See, you came up with that
all by yourself.
Aren't you proud?
Yeah, this is clearly not gonna work.
- Yeah, guess not.
- Take care.
Okay, you take care, too.
You know what, lady?
I can get any comic
I want to train my AI.
"Kill Tony" said he'd do it for free.
Yeah, you do that.
By the way, one of your guys
just scored an own goal.
Ah, fuck!
Fuck.
- What?
- Chill out, man.
Just watch the game.
Yeah, yeah, come on, baby ♪
♪
You know I need ya ♪
- What are you doing out here?
- [SIGHS]
[INSECTS CHIRPING]
Listening to the crickets
while I write
watching the stars,
communing with nature,
you know, while I still can.
[SIGHS]
You get your blood money?
No.
I decided against it.
- Are you serious?
- Yes.
Yes! Whoo!
Score one for the good guys!
I am so glad I got through to you.
No, no, this was an amoral decision
based on a nerd being a loser to me.
- If you say so.
- Oh, please.
This was not all you.
If I was that susceptible
to your influence,
I would have become a communist
the moment you first darkened
my doorstep.
- Whatever.
- Oh, God.
[CHUCKLES] All right.
Now that that's behind us,
let's see if we can tackle
the real existential problem
- of our time.
- Hmm.
- This goddamn opening joke.
- Oh, yeah.
I've been, uh I've been
working on a couple things.
Check that out.
[SNIFFS]
- Oof.
- Okay.
Guess I didn't figure it out.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, no, but that's okay.
We will
or we won't, you know,
but at least it'll be on us.
Hell, yeah.
[CHIRPING CONTINUES]
I got to be honest
I haven't written anything
in, like, 30 minutes.
I accidentally dropped my pen
in the pond.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
- But I've been thinking.
- [LAUGHS]
- [KNOCK AT DOOR]
- Housekeeping.
[HUMMING MELODY]
[SIGHING] Okay.
- [SCREAMS]
- [SCREAMS]
- Oh, my God! Why
- Oh, oh!
- Oh, my God!
- Where are my clothes?
- Where are my clothes?
- I'm sorry.
- Did we have sex?
- No!
Well, then why am I naked?
Oh, my God, did Kayla and I have sex?
- Who's Kayla?
- My partner!
Then wouldn't it be okay
if you had sex?
No! She's my business partner.
This is a work trip.
What is going on?
- Did you guys have sex?
- BOTH: No!
Okay, well, he's naked.
You got to give him privacy.
Come on.
So weird. What is up with this hotel?
Kayla, what happened last night?
Well, we convinced Bruno
to turn himself in
after a hit-and-run.
- That was crazy.
- Oh, my God.
Fuck, that's right. And then what?
And then the last Long Island
really got you.
You could barely walk.
It was kind of sweet seeing you
so vulnerable like that.
Then we found out
that the hotel has bedbugs.
Bedbugs?
- Oh! Oh! Oh, my
- I know.
I I was like, bedbugs are real?
We freaked out.
We burned all our clothes.
- You burned our clothes?
- We burned our clothes.
You were the one that lit
the first match, honey.
Why did you let me sleep here
if there are bedbugs?
Let you? [SCOFFS]
I don't let you do anything.
I'm not in charge
of anyone's actions but my own.
I am really getting it.
Oh, my God,
no wonder you were so itchy.
Of course there were bedbugs.
Anyways, I got us new clothes
at Sassafras.
What the fuck is Sassafras?
It's a teen clothing store for girls.
It's the only place that was open,
but they have some
really cute stuff in there.
It's also so important
for girls in the community
to have a place that they can go,
get cute stuff
that doesn't sexualize them.
I don't care. Good for them.
You should care.
I talked to Mandy about it.
Who the fuck is Mandy, and
why are we talking about her?
The owner of Sassafras!
She is a small-business owner,
and you just yelled about her!
Okay, I'm sure she's lovely.
I just want to get dressed.
This is highly inappropriate, Kayla.
Okay, here, here's your clothes.
Put it on.
Last time I ever help you
with anything.
Just kidding.
Hurry up, We're gonna miss the flight.
Oh.
Oh, Lord ♪
♪
Oh, my God, are you sure
we're walking the right way?
I think so. Where the F is it?
I swear I parked here.
We've been walking forever,
and these stupid Sugar Floaties
are giving me horrible blisters.
Get over it. You look good.
[CELL PHONE RUMBLING]
Oh, no, it's Deborah.
I'm gonna have to tell her
about Bruno.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I know you've been working
on getting us Bruno Fox for the Diva,
but I've changed my mind.
Oh, no. Why?
We're scaling way back.
I selflessly have given up
on the idea of erecting
a giant statue of myself.
It it's a tragedy.
Jimmy, you should have seen
the breasts.
And we are scrapping the whole
idea of a big theater entirely.
Instead it's gonna be
a proper comedy club
you know, intimate, old school,
you know, a place
where emerging comics
have a chance to hone their voices.
I actually think that's really cool.
Great. Well, I hope
you didn't go to any trouble.
Oh, no.
- No trouble at all.
- Good.
- Okay, Let's talk soon.
- Bye.
Well, she doesn't want Bruno.
So I guess we got bedbugs for nothing.
- [CAR ALARM CHIRPS]
- Oh, I think that's it! Yes!
Oh, thank God.
- My car!
- Hey!
Hey, wait! Wait, wait!
We paid for parking. Wait.
Daddy? What the hell?
My God, have you no dignity? Cover up.
Uh, I am covered. It's a full blouse.
I'm talking to Jimmy.
You look like two Hannah Montanas.
Hannah Montana was two people,
you fucking moron.
We got bedbugs,
and we had to go to Sassafras.
- What about the chokers?
- They complete the look.
Apparently, they complete the look.
Mm, I'm taking
your Porsche back, Kayla.
What? You can't take back
a 31st-birthday gift,
you crazy psycho!
See, I heard what you did.
You talked Bruno
into turning himself in.
Why didn't you just leverage it,
offer to keep his secret
if he did
your stupid fucking residency?
It's about closure for the family!
Well, losing your car
is just the beginning, Kayla.
You see, our most valuable asset
it's not our money.
It is the Schaefer family name,
and you are sullying it.
Whatever. Who cares?
I'm not paying
for your bullshit anymore.
- Your trust fund's gone.
- Wait, what?
And say goodbye to your fancy office.
Good luck running your
pathetic fucking company now.
Let's go!
[NELLY FURTADO'S "I'M LIKE A BIRD"]
♪
Fuck!
sync & corrections awaqeded
I don't know
where my soul is, soul is ♪
I don't know where my home is ♪
And baby all I need
for you to know is ♪
I'm like a bird,
I'll only fly away ♪
I don't know
where my soul is, soul is ♪
I don't know where my home is ♪
All I need for you to know is ♪
Your faith in me ♪
Brings me to tears, ah ♪
Even after all these years, yeah ♪
And it pains me so much to tell ♪
That you don't know me that well ♪
And though my love is great ♪
And though my love is true ♪
I'm like a bird,
I'll only fly away ♪
I don't know
where my soul is, soul is ♪
I don't know where my home is ♪
And, baby, all I need
for you to know is ♪
I'm like a bird, I only fly away ♪
I don't know
where my soul is, soul is ♪
I don't know where my home is ♪
And, baby, all I need
for you to know is ♪
I'm like a bird,
I'll only fly away ♪
I don't know ♪