Inside No. 9 (2014) s05e06 Episode Script

1
One of the more persistent cliches
of the police procedural
is that the new partner
always winds up dead.
And here I am.
The living embodiment of that trope.
Well, I'm not living any more.
And I'm not a cliche, I hope.
But my story
well
it's as old as time itself.
- Can I come in?
- Yes, what are you waiting for?
Hands are full.
Hurry up, it's freezing!
Here you are.
- Have you sugared it?
- I put a sweetener in.
- A sweetener?
- Yes!
- Do you want Type 2 diabetes?
- No, I want two bloody sugars!
Trust me to get saddled with
Varney the vegan.
I'm only thinking about your blood pressure.
When I did stakeouts with Dobbo,
we'd have Red Bulls,
tin of Quality Street
full stack of Pringles.
- Each?
- Yeah!
You get two good pisses
in one of them tubes.
Handy for when you were
doing undercover work.
That sounds very unsanitary.
Never did me any harm.
I dread to think what you put
in the Quality Street tin.
By the way,
I'm not a fully paid-up vegan.
I'm more of a flexitarian.
I do eat meat about once a month.
Bloody hell, Ronald McDonald.
Hey, did you know, in Uruguay,
there's 3.7 cows for every human?
- No, I didn't.
- Well, you do now, so
think on.
Brothers and sisters
have I none,
but that man's father is my father's son.
- Who am I talking about?
- You did this one last night.
- Did I?
- Yeah.
It's your son.
Oh
Correct.
You must miss him.
Who?
Dobson.
We had our fair share of arguments.
He could be a right grumpy bugger.
What, grumpier than
most coppers?
He was very different to you,
put it that way.
- Did you see anyone?
- Nah.
I saw a fox.
Heard an owl.
Some bats.
Felt like Bill Oddie.
Well, no-one's going to be dealing drugs
with us sat here in a patrol car, are they?
I thought they used
unmarked cars for stakeouts.
We're a deterrent.
That's what Control said.
There's been some vandalism, apparently.
Probably just Goths.
They come over from Leeds.
You got a copy of the report?
I'd quite like to read it.
The one that makes it sells it.
The one that buys it never uses it.
The one that uses it never knows
that he's using it. What is it?
Say it again.
The one that makes it sells it.
The one that buys it never uses it.
The one that uses it never knows
that he's using it. What is it?
I don't know. Is it a towel?
It's usually a towel.
Nope.
Give up?
Yeah.
A coffin.
Think about it.
The one that buys it never uses it
Yep.
Yep.
It's very clever.
I know hundreds of these, me.
I know you do.
It's 20 years doing this.
You've got to keep your mind occupied.
Keep the dark thoughts at bay.
Excuse me.
Oh, Jesus!
What is that? It stinks!
Chicken tikka masala.
Do you want some?
No. Could you put the lid on it
or eat it outside the vehicle?
Always better after a few days.
The flavours really come out.
Please, Thomo, I'm really
sensitive to smells.
All right, fine.
It's just summat to do, innit?
Did they offer you any counselling after
what happened?
They did, yeah, but I never went.
Why not?
I don't know, I
What?
I
Go on.
I
spy with my little eye
something beginning with
S-W.
- Steering wheel.
- Yeah, correct. Your go.
All right, I've got a game for you.
Have you ever played
FortunatelyUnfortunately?
No.
Go on, how do you play?
Well, we tell a story
and one of us begins every
sentence with "fortunately",
and the other one counters it
with "unfortunately".
So you might say
"Fortunately, I won the lottery today."
And I'll say,
"Unfortunately, I lost the ticket."
Oh, right, go on.
Sounds good. You go first.
Fortunately, I found
the ticket in my jeans pocket.
Unfortunately, I'd just washed my jeans,
so the ticket was ruined.
Fortunately, the newsagent I
bought the ticket from had a copy.
Unfortunately, it was the national
lottery of Zimbabwe,
so the ticket was worth £3.50.
Fortunately, they flew me to Africa
to collect my winnings.
Unfortunately, the plane crashed.
Fortunately, we were washed
up on a desert island
with a beautiful native girl.
Unfortunately, she was a cannibal.
Fortunately, she was a vegan cannibal.
Unfortunately, she was
a flexitarian vegan cannibal.
She ate meat once a month.
Fortunately, my partner came to rescue me.
Unfortunately, my partner was killed.
He had his throat slit right there
where you're sitting now.
He had a wife and two kids.
Another one on the way.
And I was in a takeaway
waiting for poppadums.
Fortunately, you're a strong
person and you
can move on and keep helping others.
Unfortunately, I'm not.
I realise now I should have let
you do the fortunatelys.
- I heard he was
- I don't want to talk about it.
Excuse me!
Did you not sleep?
No, course not.
I'm above a butcher's.
Had the bell going all day.
- Did you?
- Yeah, was dead to the world.
You've just got to get into a routine.
Well, you haven't got teenagers
stomping up and down listening to Stormsby.
All right, top five character
tropes in police dramas.
The quirky pathologist.
The rookie cop
who faints at his first autopsy.
The grizzled boss who's really got
a heart of gold.
The maverick loner who wants to
solve one last case
before he retires. And the new
partner who ruffles his feathers,
but ultimately earns his respect.
Very good!
Right
I'm going for a pee and a look.
Oscar Nine, Oscar Nine from Control.
Over.
Control, this is Oscar Nine.
Over.
Oscar Nine, are you still in position?
Over.
Control, this is Special Constable Varney.
My partner is currently on a comfort break. Over.
Say again?
Over.
Constable Thompson is
going tinkles.
Over.
You mean he's having a piss?
Over.
That is correct.
Over.
Oscar Nine, any movement
in the suspect's flat? Over.
Not that I can see.
Over.
And no unusual activity on the dockside?
Over.
Negative.
It's all quiet. Over.
Well, hold your position in the car park.
We have intel he might be on the
move in the next few minutes. Over.
Will do.
Out.
Jesus!
It's colder than a polar bear's
arsehole out there.
Surprised it didn't come out as ice cubes.
Thomo, what are we actually
doing here, exactly?
Well, what do you mean?
We're on a stakeout.
Is there any particular suspect
we're meant to be looking for?
- Why do you ask?
- Because I'm a police constable
and I want to know what I'm doing here.
You're a special constable,
which basically means you're
the Bez to my Shaun Ryder.
- So we're not meant to be at the docks, then?
- Course we're not meant to be at the docks.
Why do you mention docks?
You're twisting my melon, man.
Oscar Nine,
Oscar Nine from Control.
Suspect on the move.
Can you confirm a sighting? Over.
Yes, yes, Control. This is Oscar Nine,
we are in pursuit. Over.
Right, get the docks up on your Google maps.
- What's going on?
- Just do it!
Control, Control from Oscar Nine.
Request airborne surveillance.
The suspect is in camouflage gear
and is really hard to spot. Over.
Oscar Nine from Control, request received.
Call you back. Out.
- Why are you lying to them?
- I'm not lying to 'em.
We're on our way, aren't we?
Turn left.
Thomo, I respect your seniority, but
you've got to tell me what's going on.
There's meant to be a big drop happening
tonight behind the Old Vic warehouses.
16 boxes of angel dust smuggled in
some indoor barbecues, apparently.
So why have we been
staking out a graveyard?!
Oscar Nine,
Oscar Nine from Control.
What is your position? Over.
Control from Oscar Nine,
suspect is currently head
heading south on
Over.
Oscar Nine, you are Romeo One.
Say again?
- What are you doing?
- Is it left or right?
Left
Right!
Dobbo was buried in that graveyard.
It was his grave that was vandalised.
I wanted to be there
in case the fucker came back.
- Why?!
- Because I believe whoever did it
was the same one that killed him.
They're mocking me.
I'm going to go over Welling Bridge.
No, no, no, it says to go through the estate.
What do you mean, it says?
It's miles quicker!
No, well, it
it says the bridge is up.
- It's not! I can see it with me own eyes!
- Go left.
Ridiculous.
And what if they find out, Thomo?
What happens to us?
They're not going to find out, are they?
Cos you're not going to tell 'em.
Are you?
- Are you?!
- No.
But why didn't you say anything?
Don't you trust me?
Fuckin' hell, I think that's him.
Where's me curry?
- I got rid of it!
- You what?!
It was three days old!
Do you want salmonella?
We're going to get suspended, aren't we?
Dereliction of duty.
Yeah, it's him.
- Right, I'll now approach on foot.
- No!
Radio through our position to Control.
Don't worry,
I won't do anything stupid.
Thomo, no.
Control, Control, this is Oscar Nine.
Over.
Oscar Nine, go ahead.
Over.
Control, we are on Hedden Road, we
have the subject in our sights.
Maintaining distance.
Over.
Oscar Nine, received.
Backup on the way. Over.
Control, nothing more.
Out.
I'll tell you what,
I'm starting my diet on Monday.
I'm knackered.
Where are you?
I'm just behind the containers
up the side of dog-shit alley.
Can you see him?
He's having a fag.
Backup's on the way.
You mustn't blame yourself
for what happened to DC Dobson.
You could never have stopped it.
It was just one of those things.
I don't need counselling.
At least he was a good cop, though, yeah?
Wasn't on the take, or anything.
Oh, hang on, hang on.
Something's happening.
- What?
- He's making contact.
I need to get a bit closer.
- Code 10-3 from now on.
- Thomo!
Control, Control.
This is Oscar Nine.
Urgent call.
Over.
Oscar Nine, go ahead.
Over.
Shots fired. I say again, shots fired.
Where's the backup? Over.
Oscar Nine, backup is two minutes away.
Two minutes away. Over.
Oscar Nine, do not approach suspect.
Please acknowledge.
Over.
Oscar Nine, acknowledge.
Over.
Oscar Nine from Control.
Instruction: Do not approach suspect.
Backup is on its way.
Please acknowledge. Over.
- I got you a chai latte.
- Why?
It's important to try new things.
- Is it good for my blood pressure?
- Not particularly.
Cheers.
It's like drinking a mince pie.
I thought I'd find you here.
All the others are in the pub
celebrating a record haul.
- You had about six pints lined up.
- Why me?
It was you who took 'em down.
Never seen owt like it.
It's a good job you were so quick.
It's because I don't eat Pringles.
Well, I owe you a beer anyway.
Unfortunately, I don't drink alcohol either.
Fortunately, they serve tomato juice.
Unfortunately, special constables
are not invited.
Fortunately, you'll soon be
offered a promotion.
Unfortunately, I'll turn it down.
- I'm a bit too long in the tooth for all that.
- Well
you saved my life.
Fortunately.
So thank you.
It means I'm going to be sat in here
listening to you do riddles again,
- unfortunately.
- Correct.
Actually, I'm giving up on all that.
It was just a distraction technique.
I'm starting counselling tomorrow.
And I've been googling yoga classes.
So you've obviously got under my skin.
Trope number five
Tick!
Anything to report?
I thought I saw someone hanging round
by the car when I came round the corner.
I didn't see anyone.
Must have been a trick of the light.
I hope you don't mind, but
I was reading your case notes.
You were the last person to see Dobson alive.
I was only gone a few minutes.
Awful.
And you said his grave was vandalised.
They dug it up, smashed the lid in.
It was horrible.
Do you think whoever did it
was looking for something?
God knows.
None of it makes any sense.
I believe the murder weapon went
missing from forensics.
Did it?
You know it did.
You've got it down there.
- What are you playing at, Thomo?
- I don't trust 'em.
Let's just say I wanted a second opinion.
I gave it to a mate of mine
who ran some tests on it.
He said it was an antique.
A rare Victorian stiletto blade.
And how did that get there, eh?
You can't take the law into your own hands.
It's only been a month.
Let them do their job.
Why are you so fucking
interested all of a sudden?
I want to help you.
Are you wearing a wire?
What?!
Who are you?
I don't even know who you are.
- If you're wearing a wire, I swear to God
- What are you doing?
- Well, go on, show me, then!
- There, look! Look!
There!
Calm down!
I'm on your side!
Sorry, I just
I'm not thinking straight.
I've not been sleeping.
I keep seeing his face.
- Whose?
- Dobbo's.
I can't lay it to rest.
I
At least, coming here, I feel like
I'm doing something.
I understand.
And for the record, no, I don't
think you killed your partner.
I think it was one of those random
acts of violence that we see every day.
Unless you were trying to feed him
that three-day-old curry.
You cheeky bastard!
Oh, God, it's cold tonight.
Do you want ateabag?
Nah, I've got me chai latte.
No, hand-warmers.
They heat up when you shake them.
Oh, right.
You're oxidising the iron by
producing an exothermic reaction.
I bet this looks bloody
suspicious from outside!
I used to have to look out for things like this
on Hampstead Heath when I was with the Met.
I remember one time we saw this
Mini Cooper with its lights on
- What was that?
- Don't know. Branch, maybe?
Wait there.
Can I come in?
You scared the shit out of me!
Yes!
Did you see anything?
Nothing.
I'm going mad.
I just saw Dobbo again.
He's probably just hungry.
What?
What are these the top five tropes of?
They sleep in the daytime.
They won't cross running water.
They have to be invited in.
They can't bear the smell of garlic.
And yes
we cast no reflection.
I know you didn't kill your partner.
That was me.
Stop!
Come in, my child.
Enjoy your first feed.
An eternity of them await you.
One of the more persistent cliches
of the police procedural
is that the new partner
always winds up dead.
And here I am.
The living embodiment of that trope.
Well
I'm not living any more.
But my story
well, it's as old as time itself.