Inside No. 9 (2014) s06e01 Episode Script

Wuthering Heist

1 Hello? - Hello?! - Hello?! There's an echo.
I've just arrived.
I've just arrived.
Hold on.
How did my echo get here before me? Arlo, turn around.
Oh, Collie! It's you! I got them things you wanted for the sandwiches.
Do you mind if I make one now? I'm absolutely Hank Marvin.
No! You can wait until the others get here.
What did you buy? Pulled pork, pressed tongue, and a hot and spicy whip.
That sounds disgusting! You said you wanted an S&M selection.
I said an M&S select! Never mind.
What are you doing? We're not in slow motion any more.
The boss is here.
He wants help bringing the hardware in from the car.
- But I've just made meself a tea! - Arlokino.
So, if you haven't already guessed, it's a sort of cross between commedia dell'arte and a heist movie.
I guess because they both use masks.
Which is quite clever, in a way, but still sounds like something a drama teacher'd have a wank to.
But, hey, it's series six, you've got to allow for a certain artistic exhaustion.
Oh, God, here comes the subplot.
Just stick with me on these bits and we'll get through them as quickly as possible.
Columbina, you've got to help me.
My daddy wants me to marry his friend, the Captain, who I've never even met.
But I have my heart set on another.
It's so unfair! Surely, Miss, your father has other things on his mind today.
Like, 12 million other things.
Because the diamonds we're stealing are worth ¡ê12 million? Yes.
That's Yes.
So, he's not going to have time to be thinking about marriage proposals.
No, that's exactly why he is! If everything goes according to plan, then the Captain'll be rich beyond his wildest dreams.
Then my father will have no need to provide a dowry for me.
He can keep all his own earnings to himself.
- It's nearly finished.
- He's being driven by greed and not by my own wishes of who I want to marry.
But, Madam, what can I do? I am just a lowly housemaid in this organisation.
I've written a letter to my true beloved, explaining my plight.
Please see that he gets it before the end of the job today.
You want me to give this letter to the Doctor's Yes! Yes, please.
And not a word to my father.
I guess we're just pretending that WhatsApps and emails don't exist.
Still, I'll give her letter to the Doctor's son, Mario.
He's thick as shit, but fit as fuck! Columbina, stop Fleabaggin' and make me a cup of splosh.
Yes, Master.
Right away.
And I wasn't Fleabagging, I was Miranda-ing.
Such fun.
Ooh! Careful with that, you clumsy cumwad! There's enough TNT in 'ere to blow both your tiny fucking brain cells out.
Now, did you bring the Glock like I asked ya? No.
But I did wind my watch up this morning, even though it's digital.
No, your Glock, your pistol! You mean this? Don't point it at me.
It's all right, safety's on.
My bad.
My nose tells me this is the place.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I am Il Capitano.
I'm sorry that you're ill, but my name's not Capitano, it's Hortensia.
Ah, yes.
The Hor-tensia, daughter of my esteemed friend Senor Pantalone.
But I'm sure you've heard of me by reputation.
I am Scaramouche.
- Scaramouche? - Will you do the - What happened there? - We couldn't afford the copyright.
That's a shame.
You're the man that my father wants me to marry?! Un-a-til a-now I had been a-deaf to your beauty and blind to-a your voice, dumb to your scent and mute to-a your caress.
I hope to wrong that a-right over the course of this segment.
So, what's your role in this job, Captain? Surveillance? Security? I am international authority on booming.
- Booming? - Si, si.
Because of my booming skills, I can a-smash my way in anywhere.
Will you excuse me? I just need the bathroom.
Ah, she is sick with love.
Hortensia, Hortensia, don't a-leave me on the fence-ia! My feelings don't a-make sense-ia.
I hope it's not dementia.
- Oi, Scaramouche.
- Ah, Senor Pantalone.
Some gelignite here for you to take a look at.
I have already eaten, but I thank you.
No, it's fucking dynamite! Maybe a small bowl, then.
- Right, the Doctor's going to be here any minute.
- How do you know? Because I accidentally turned over two pages of the script at once.
Look, if you do me a favour, I'll let you have a sandwich.
- What flavour? - What flavour favour? - What flavour sandwich? - Whatever you want.
I'd like a lovely slice of ham.
Lean? I'd like a lovely slice of ham.
I bet you're loving this on the Cook'd and Bomb'd forum, aren't you? Look, just give this love letter to the Doctor's son, Mario.
He'll know who it's from.
Understand? The scholar says, "Plethora," and the widow says, "Thanks, that means a lot.
" And now he's just turned over two pages at once.
It would appear this is the place, Mario.
Somewhat insalubrious, yet suitably clandestine.
The very sine qua non of a gangster's hideaway, n'est-ce pas? It's a shithole.
And, yet, its crepuscular corners will allow us to dupe the old man and his cronies with our pseudo sparklers.
You have them still? - Oh, you mean the fake diamonds? - Yes, yes! Lower your voice! - You mean the fake diamonds? - Mario! - Yes, I've shoved them down the front of my trousers.
- Good.
It's important to have a little circumspection.
I think I might if I bend over too quickly.
When the time is right, we will switch the bona fide jewels with the paste ones and no-one will be any the wiser.
Capiche? Whatever you say, Pops.
As long as no-one gets hurt.
- You know you can't stand the sight of blood.
- Ah, yes.
Well ceded.
Arlokino! You made me a ham sandwich.
How kind.
Do we have a quorum? I speak a little Latin, you know.
Oh, that reminds me - a scholar goes to a funeral - and asks the widow - No, no, no, no.
You've done this bit already.
Excuse me.
I have something for you, too, Master Mario.
It's from the subplot, so it might not be that important.
Oh, cool.
It's an epistle from a secret admirer.
Apparently you'll know who it's from.
I think I do.
Thanks, Arlo.
All right.
Gentlemen, ladies, gather round.
Grab yourselves a seat.
We need to get on with the briefing.
Now, you all know your roles, but, for the benefit of them who are watching on BBC Two, I'm going to go through it again.
- And iPlayer.
- What? Some people could be watching on iPlayer.
All right.
For them what are watching on any BBC platform Or in other countries, doesn't have to be BBC.
- They have it in Spain, don't they? - Oh, yeah.
Spain, Australia.
- It's very big in China, apparently.
- All right, for fuck's sake! Wherever people are watching it, we need to do a recap! Now, the van with the diamonds leaves Hatton Garden roundabout at 3pm precisely and heads down Greville Street towards Farringdon.
Mario, Scaramouche, you pull the barrier across just west of Saffron Hill.
Er, you're aware of the CCTV Si, si.
Now, you understand where it extends to.
It extends into the kitchen, but the reception is not-a so good.
Oh Jesus! Mario, you know about the CCTV, don't ya? - Sure.
- Good.
It's like CBeebies, but slightly more complicated programmes.
- What? - I'm not sure the Chinese are going to get that reference.
You need to say something like youku or something with international appeal - It's pretty universal - Shut the fuck up the lot of ya! I will not stand here and be made to look like a prick! You think I'm joking? Boss! Can I suggest we do a montage? Yes.
Thank you, Columbina.
Finally, someone talking sense.
You can do the voiceover.
At 3:02, the van, driven by a single security guard, parks up outside Mugshots Coffee shop.
The guard gets out as usual to order a flat white.
Hortensia is behind him in the queue and bumps into the guard, creating a distraction.
So I can swap his coffee .
for the drugged one.
Meanwhile, Mario and the Captain have closed the road for an electrical repair, keeping the area free of traffic.
Arlo distracts the driver .
while Scaramouche applies the explosives to the top of the van.
The guard takes his first sip of coffee while we get into position.
Then, five seconds later You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off! Sorry, I've always wanted to say that.
Carry on.
Pantalone grabs the keys from the drowsy guard and takes the briefcase with the diamonds from the van.
Mario and Scaramouche head down the manhole into the sewers.
I pick up the boss in the getaway car.
We all meet back here at 6pm and share the spoils.
See? Piece of piss.
Anything from the subplot? No.
I think we're all good on that front, Daddy.
Yeah, all good.
Bene, good.
Right, you've got 20 minutes to get your shit together.
Erm, boss, is it all right if I make a sandwich first? No! Fuck off! Should've eaten before we got here.
Are you ready for the twist? There's a good one.
Guv, it's Detective Sergeant Janus.
We're just about to leave the hideaway.
Put all units on standby.
No, I don't think they suspect a thing.
Let's get him sat down.
Did anyone see where the boss went? I assume he's with Hortensia.
- Why didn't you wait for 'em? - I panic! There were polices everywhere! I get you a drink.
- No, no! Make me a cheese sandwich.
- Caerphilly? Yeah, use a blunt knife.
Go! Come on.
Oh, fuck.
What happened? It was an ambush.
They knew we were coming.
We must have a rat in the group.
- Bob Geldof? - No.
I mean somebody from the police.
- Gordon Sumner? - Who? - Roger Daltrey? - No, they blew our cover.
A double crosser.
Argh! What you doing?! - Taking your shoe off.
You've been shot.
- No! I need a sandwich first.
I'm famished! - Scaramouche, Scaramouche! - Will you do the - No! - What? - We're not allowed.
- Oh, sorry.
Where's that sandwich?! There is no cheese! - I can offer you a beef a-rap.
- Yeah, go on.
Yo, yo, I come from a cow I got lots of prize for my bolognese! I'll give him a hand.
Listen, I got your letter.
- I want you to know I feel exactly the same way.
- You do? I do, yes.
The uniform, the moustache.
- Always dreamed of having a daddy like you.
- You have? Look, I've got something down here that means that you and I, - we could run off together.
- Ah, he must mean the explosives.
Mario, I will a-use your bomb, but only when the time is right.
When Senor Pantalone gets here, then we will blow.
- You mean a three-way? - Si, si.
The passage will be tight, but I think we can manage it.
Good God, I'm so hard right now! We could do with more a-men like a-him in the military.
Pops! Oh, Mario.
Deo gratias.
- Are you unharmed? - I'm fine.
Not a scratch on me.
- What happened to you? - We managed to grab the diamonds before the shooting started and made a run for it.
How's Arlo? Not good.
Pops, you'd better have a look at him.
All right.
But I don't have all my kit with me and you know I'm not good with the sight of bloo Bit of a drawback for a doctor.
How are you feeling? Hungry.
You're always hungry.
How's your foot? Well, the first little piggy's still at the market, but I think all the other little piggy's have pissed off.
I'm not going to get that trial for Crystal Palace now, am I? I'm sure Millwall would take you.
What happened? It's a blur.
I was doing my distracting.
The guard comes back with his coffee, and, suddenly, I turn around and there's two dozen coppers behind me.
I think I shot myself in the foot.
I'm sure it wasn't your fault.
No, I mean, I literally shot myself in the foot.
I didn't realise the safety was off.
I'm such an idiot! - I'm scared, Collie! - You'll live.
How do you know? Because I turned over two pages of the script at once.
Ah, thank you.
I'm fine now.
Mario, the gems are in here, but the servant girl has the key in her bumbag.
You'll need to extricate it from her post-haste to facilitate the substitution.
How am I supposed to do that? Well, flirt with her a little.
Vanquish her with your virility.
Then see if you can force your fingers into her fanny pack.
Quickly! We need this money, Mario.
Tempus fugit! How is the pat-it-ient? - Sorry? - Young Arlokino, he has a very bad injury.
Oh, er, I haven't examined him yet.
To be honest, Captain, I'm a little haemophobic.
Oh, do not worry.
I do not think he is a Queen Mary.
Erm, I'm making a sandwich, would you like a-one? Oh, dear.
It's OK, it's OK.
It's OK.
Did you see the Master and Hortensia? No.
I was inside the van.
- I heard him, though.
- He thinks we were betrayed.
Someone ratted us out.
- Does he know who? - No.
He said Hortensia had been acting all weird recently.
Very secretive.
That's because she doesn't want to marry Scaramouche.
She's planning on running away with Hey, babe.
Would you have an inhaler? Because you are just taking my breath Yeah.
I've got one in here.
Just put it back when you're finished.
I'll leave the zip open.
It's ok.
That was easy.
Baby, what're you doing to my Pops? I'm trying to make him come to.
You're going about it in a very funny way.
Go find the smelling salts.
They're in his bag.
What happened? She's gone - forever.
- Are you sure? - I know when one is dead, and when one lives! Lear.
It's true.
That spineless shit Scaramouche left us right there in the middle of the fucking feds! We were like sitting ducks.
Where is he? I'll slice the nose right off his craven face! - Where is he?! - He went to get some smelling salts for my Pops.
Jesus, what a shitshow.
Columbina, come here.
You're the only one I trust.
You tell me.
Who's the snake here, eh? Who? Who tipped off the Old Bill? I dunno, er Maybe it was, erm You're with me now.
Boss, what did you do that for? She's an undercover copper.
She's wearing a wire.
- Check it out if you don't believe me.
- How did you know? Hortensia saw her fiddling with it in the bogs.
I should've known she was too good to be true.
No, notnot Collie.
II don't believe it.
By my estimates, we have less than five minutes before the Filth get here.
Where's that coward? Scaramouche? Scaramouche! Will you do the Oh, shit! See what you've done? To your own intended? Hortensia Oh, my Hortensia! I wished to woo you, but now my woo has turned to woe.
I beg that I could a-take your place up in heaven! That can be arranged.
Baby, why are you talking like this? I thought you had eyes only for me.
For you? What you on about? He wrote me a letter.
The subplot.
Arlokino gave it to me.
This is my daughter's hand.
No, that is a letter.
This is your daughter's hand! She was going to elope with a blockhead like you?! What are you talking about? I barely knew her.
You two a-timing floozy! Take a-that! It wasn't him! It was me.
Horsey and I have been having an affair for several months.
It was an amour fou.
It started on that business trip we took to Italy.
Genoa? Yes, since she was a little girl.
We flew back together to the United States.
- Chicago? - No, she was a passenger.
And, when we landed at the airport, I can't remember which one Alaska? There's no point now.
She's dead.
We hatched this plan to steal the diamonds from you and run away together to the Caribbean.
Trinidad and Tobago? Yes.
But now it seems it was all for nought.
We have been caught in flagrante delicto, and my beloved is dead.
Mea culpa, gentle one.
Well, maybe we can get back to the A plot now we've had this little diversion.
I need you to hand over that case.
No, Pantalone.
- I won't do it.
- Pops These diamonds are all my son and I have.
They will ensure our safe passage out of here.
Quid pro quo, et cetera.
II won't waste you here, Doc.
I'll not shit on my own doorstep, but I need you to hand me the fucking ice! It's fine.
Do it.
Nil desperandum, Mario.
I can handle the negotiation.
This is not a negotiation.
You lay a finger on him and I'll carpet the floor with your brains.
It's a good thing we're not using your brains.
There'd be barely enough for a fucking doormat.
Scaramouche! - Tame this little bitch of yours, will ya? - Please.
Your family jewels belong in Senor Pantalone's hands, not in your Papa's.
Let us not come to blows.
Oh, Captain, my Captain.
I've dreamed of having your weapon in my face, but not like this.
Et tu, Scaramouche.
Very well.
Aut neca aut necare.
Do or die.
Give me the case! - Give it to him, Pops.
- Are you sure? Yes, let him have it! Well, Arlo, this looks like arrivederci.
I would take you with me, but, as you can see, got me hands full.
There's a boat out the back if you want to take your chance on the river.
I've got an appointment with my fence.
Boss, can you do me a favour before you go? What's that? Can you make me a sandwich? I'm starved! Yeah, here y'are.
Help yourself.
Ta-ta! Come on.
Get up, he's gone! Come on! Collie! Come on, girl! You read the script.
Well, none of this has been real, has it? After all that, there's nothing left.
Just a hot and spicy whip and a bag of clear mints.
Well, fuck my old boots! I am going to be able to feed myself after all.
Are you coming, Echo? I thought you'd never ask!
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