American Housewife (2016) s05e07 Episode Script

1
No. No.
Order some of that egg
salad and then send it back.
It looks old.
I'm not gonna do that.
Did you just Venmo me $50?
Everybody has a price.
Katie! Hi! So, what do you think?
Are we finally gonna do that dinner
we've been talking about?
Oh, gosh, Maria, I would love to, but
We're going fishing!
Fishing!
And it's Doris'
- Birthday!
- birthday.
And that is something that we always do.
No problem.
You know I'll keep trying.
I do know that.
Maria's been asking me to do
a couples' dinner for months,
but she just won't get the hint.
I am not socializing with the Ablins.
I know we were just
making up a lie there,
but, like, I wouldn't hate it
if you took me birthday fishing.
Come back from Hawaii, and maybe I will.
I miss you! I need you!
Oh, God, you sound like my kids!
Katie, I didn't know you were BFFs
with the principal's wife.
You know what they say,
"nerds of a feather"
Living in Westport has been
the only time in my life
that I haven't been popular.
It was okay when you, me,
and Angela were outcasts together,
but now I'm just an outcast by myself.
- It's lonely.
- You think you're lonely?
There were only five people
in my surfing class today.
You know, in fifth grade
I was voted permanent line leader.
Sixth grade, best hair.
Seventh grade, class flirt.
Uh, okay, well,
I'm gonna put you on mute,
but let me know when you're done.
In 10th grade, I was voted
most likely to have a prom baby.
It was a different time, but believe me,
it was a compliment.
The latest poll is out for
the Westport City Council race,
and Steve Hobert is killing me.
Well, you're not the only
one with problems, Greg.
My friends are gone,
and the only person who
wants to hang out with me
is Principal Ablin's wife.
Did you see the attack ad
that Dad's opponent released?
What?
Do you really want Greg Otto
in control of Westport?
He can't even control himself.
Wow. Somebody knows how to use
the free movie app on their phone.
That's your takeaway?
This is a disaster!
I have to figure out some way
to turn my campaign around.
If you think everyone's
gonna vote for Steve Hobert
after seeing this ad,
then just legally change
your name to Steve Hobert.
Then you'll get all his votes.
I'm not changing
my name to Steve Hobert.
Okay, then. Just get him to
change his name to Greg Otto.
You are truly not helpful, Taylor.
Oh, you're welcome.
Oh. You said not.
Do you have any ideas on
how to help my campaign?
No. Not yet.
I'm gonna go take a bath
and think about it.
Are you really gonna do that?
No, Greg. I'm not even
really gonna take a bath.
I'm gonna lock my door and read my book.
Yeah, I'm not reading a book.
I'm just going to hate-scroll Instagram.
I mean, you're never too
young to look your best.
- She's right.
- Yeah.
Crazy idea.
I'm gonna start eating my cookie
at the beginning of lunch.
I love that idea.
Me too! It's like, why wait?
Exactly.
The new rule is: cookies come first.
Oh, hey, Paris,
I think you have a little
cookie crumb by your nose.
That's not a crumb. It's a booger!
Eww!
It's not such a big deal.
Cookie, booger.
Five years ago, we were eating both.
I don't mean to adumbrate,
but what I'm trying to construe
is that to be ebullient is a choice.
And you can be
intransigent all you want,
but pulchritude is not what matters.
Sorry, what I'm trying to say
is that it's what's on
the inside that counts.
Good luck.
What's with all the big words?
I've been stressed about the SATs,
so I've been trying to
practice whenever I can.
SATs?
- Don't worry about those.
- Really?
Yeah, I did horrible.
And look at me now,
BA from Online Experimental College.
Got my degree before they went bankrupt.
Does that degree still count?
- It does not.
- Mm.
But they can't take away
everything I learned
in Intro to Visual Human Connection.
Please stop staring at me.
Just one more second.
Really stay focused.
Mm. That was nice. Yep.
That was not nice.
I was doing a little research
and discovered a fun fact.
The last four City Council candidates
whose names were on the marquee
outside the school won.
And Principal Ablin
controls the marquee.
That's just a fact, Greg.
It's not all that fun.
The point is, Ablin holds more
power than anybody knows.
He's a local political kingmaker.
I need to get his endorsement
so he puts my name on the marquee.
So I invited him and Maria
over for dinner to woo them.
What? Why didn't you ask me first?
Because I knew you'd say no.
Damn it, Greg, stop stealing my moves!
I asked Ablin what time worked for them.
He said, "Let's let the hens decide."
I'll talk to Maria.
I can't believe what has become of me.
I used to be so popular
in the 12th grade,
my math teacher quit
so that it wouldn't be
a conflict of interest
when he asked me out.
I turned him down.
Well, I appreciate you
hosting Maria and Ablin.
- It means the wor
- He still pokes me on Facebook.
I'm not gonna poke back,
but it's nice to know
I still got a grip on him.
Hey, Mrs. Otto.
Check out Anna-Kat's new bling.
Are those friendship bracelets?
Yeah.
I told Paris she had a cookie crumb
on her face at lunch,
but it was a booger.
Ever since then, all the other
girls have been kissing up to me
and giving me stuff.
This must be what Bob,
Mom's church leader,
feels like when everyone
gives him their passports.
Anna-Kat, do you understand
what's happened?
You have toppled the queen bee.
That makes you the queen bee!
You're popular now!
I asked a girl if I could
borrow her pencil,
and she gave me her
whole backpack for keeps.
Because you're friends with her!
We're more than friends.
We're Franna-Kat!
What?
You've been sitting on
"Franna-Kat" this whole time?
I've been calling us
Anna-Kranklin like an idiot.
Anna-Kat is the new queen bee, Greg.
- I don't know what that means.
- She's Beyoncé from Destiny's Child.
The Left Eye of TLC.
She's Brad from that barbershop
quartet that you were once in.
Ohhhh, she's the most popular.
- Yes!
- Brad.
She's just like how her mom used to be.
Isn't this great?
Why do you care so much
about Anna-Kat being popular?
Because she's going to love it!
I wouldn't know.
I ate by myself in the media lab.
Well, not really alone.
I dined with Fellini and Bergman.
Mm. Were those janitors?
They're filmmakers.
So have one of them
make you a campaign ad
so that we don't have to
hang out with the Ablins!
Okay, I'll do that.
What time are they coming
over tomorrow night?
I'm still hoping for a tragic
accident to happen for them,
but if not, 8:30.
If Y equals QX,
then the answer should be
QX over Y.
Ugh! Wrong again!
What is the matter with you?
I study every single day,
but my practice SA
scores keep going down.
Then study in a way
that makes them go up.
You've surpassed the dead
plant in the kitchen window
as the least helpful thing in the house.
Why does everyone think that?
I can be helpful!
In fact, I know a way I can
turn your life around right now.
I can't watch "High
School Musical" again.
No, I'm studying psychology in college.
There's a whole
section on stress relief.
I can teach you some
relaxation techniques.
You know the information, Oliver.
You just need to relax to access it.
I don't need to relax!
Oh, I guess maybe I do.
I'm not doing yoga. Yoga's lame.
We're not doing regular yoga.
We're doing goat yoga.
It combines the physical
benefits of yoga
with the mental benefits
of being around animals.
Fine.
- Where'd you get a goat?
- I didn't. But we got Luthor.
He eats garbage like a goat does.
Plank position, please.
Hop on, Luthor!
Are you feeling more relaxed?
Aw, Luthor, you're getting so fat!
Okay. Let's try going
in a different direction:
primal scream therapy.
It's a great way to clear your mind
and relieve all of your pent-up anxiety.
Watch.
Aaaaaaaaaah!
- Okay, I get
- Aaaaaaaaaah!
- I don't think
- Aaaaaaaaaah!
- What's going on?!
- Oh, just Taylor not helping.
Oh, good, 'cause it takes
10 minutes to load this thing.
Oliver, welcome.
Nope.
You didn't even give it a chance!
I'm done with your stupid advice.
It's not stupid. These are good ideas.
You're just closed-minded.
When you're at Teen Help Line,
people take your advice.
Why won't you take mine?
Because my advice helps people.
Uh, you you should
think about majoring
in something other than psychology!
See?! Now that's helpful!
My friends' moms are all staring at us.
But not in the hateful
way they usually do.
Welcome to life as the queen bee.
Don't be afraid to give
them what they want.
A wink.
A smile with a hair toss.
A cutesie wave with a silent laugh.
I'm not sure I can do that.
Sure you can.
It's something that we share.
It's in your blood.
Your father gives you
super-thick toenails,
and I give you popularity.
Hi, Anna-Kat.
What kind of ice cream are you getting?
Paris wants the same flavor.
Oh, mint chip.
I'm allergic to mint chip.
We're getting mint chip.
- I have an EpiPen in the car.
- Huh.
Can we get a playdate on the books?
Please. Anything.
Even in a month.
Oh, a-and can Can we get a selfie?
Just the four of us?
We'll have to check Anna-Kat's schedule.
And unfortunately, Sage,
we're not doing pictures right now.
A picture with Anna-Kat
would be great for Paris,
but a picture with Paris
Forget Paris.
She just lost a tooth anyway.
How about one of me and Anna-Kat?
Bye, Sage.
Why'd you have to have that booger?
Sorry, Mom.
Welcome. Come on in.
Greetings and salutations.
Lotta cobwebs on your porch
light in case you care.
Okay. Thank you.
Oh, hello.
For you.
Wow!
An 80-ounce tub of margarine.
More like 76 ounces.
I snacked a bit in the car.
It's best served chilled.
So, what do you think of my hair?
It's very elegant.
I'm so glad you like it.
My hairdresser couldn't do it this time
'cause she was sick,
so I went to my dog groomer's.
- I've poured us some wine.
- Hmm.
Actually, I'm more of a brandy
Alexander guy.
Oh, I'm afraid I don't
know how to make those.
I told you we should have pre-gamed.
Shall we?
This is so lovely.
We are very excited to finally
be having dinner with you two.
We're absolutely thrilled.
I'm freaking out I'm so excited.
This may come as a surprise,
but, uh, me and Mrs. Ablin
don't have many couple friends.
And by "many," he means "any."
We're really hoping
to leave here tonight
not just as friends,
but as best friends.
It's time to make
some lifelong memories.
Look at that!
Your new nickname is "Meatball"!
We're going to remember this forever!
To friends!
Sorry about that, M-Ball!
Alright, shall we get going
with some ice-breakers?
Uh, I assume you have a limbo bar.
If you'll excuse me,
I promised to help Taylor
with some homework.
- Taylor's out.
- Oh, I meant Oliver.
- Oliver's gone, too.
- Oh, I meant Anna-Kat.
Final answer.
- I'm having the best time.
- Us too.
That was quite a night, huh?
It just started!
While you've been up
here the last 20 minutes,
they made me play
"Pass the Orange" with them.
- You have to come back down.
- No way.
I have a popular daughter,
so I'm popular again.
All the other mothers let me go
to the front of the pickup line today.
And I waved like this.
This dinner party is a step back.
It's one night.
We pretend to be best friends,
I'll get the endorsement,
and after I win the election,
we'll just let the relationship
peter out.
- These people don't peter.
- Hey, Meaty-B!
Get on down here!
I'm sorry, I can't go back down there.
You know, I do so much for you,
and I rarely ask for anything in return.
I took all those tops back to JCPenney
after you wore them three times.
I had to explain to the manager
why there were no price tags on them
and they smelled like deodorant.
I'll do anything else.
I'll watch "The Crown"
with you and stay awake.
Also, it was your idea
that I run for City
Council in the first place.
- That's true.
- Look.
This election is important to me.
I need Ablin's help. And yours.
You have a natural talent
for winning people over.
It's why you were so popular.
I need that popular girl to help me
get Ablin's endorsement.
Okay.
I'll do what's right.
Oh, my God, that is so funny.
- I didn't say anything.
- I know.
Just practicing.
Still got it.
It's great on grapes, too.
- I think I'm alright.
- Oh, come on.
Don't be shy. Plenty of
margarine to go around.
Okay.
No, no, no.
Allow me.
He is such a gentleman.
Another new memory!
I love it! Meatball and Grape!
I've always wanted to
have a cool nickname.
I'm having the best time.
Attaway, Grape!
This is so much fun.
We should go on vacation together.
Yes! Hotel rooms are so expensive.
But if we all four share one,
half the cost!
That sounds great!
Unfortunately,
we can't go on any trips right now
because Greg is campaigning
for City Council.
As you know, we have two kids
at Westport Unified,
so one of my priorities
would obviously be
getting the school all
the funding it needs.
That's been my priority for years.
But the problem is,
Greg doesn't have the sway in town
that you have to get people elected.
You're basically the local
political kingmaker.
Ooo. Kingmaker.
I like the sound of that.
How would you feel about endorsing me
on the school marquee?
I think it would pretty
much guarantee a victory.
- Right!
- Hmm.
You know what sounds better
than being the kingmaker?
- Being the king!
- How's that?
Katie, you've inspired me.
I've decided to run
for City Council myself.
I'm going to be the Duchess of Westport.
- You may just be.
- Oh!
Now let's get some dinner.
We can talk about vacation.
I bet if we ask, we can get bunk beds.
What just happened?
You can't trust dweebs, Meatball.
I hate it when people talk about
those raccoon videos on YouTube,
but I have to show you this one.
He was using his little hands
- Oh.
- Uh, do you have to take that?
- I mean, I feel like I should.
- Yeah.
Teen Help Line. How can I help you?
Hi. I'm so stressed.
I've got this huge tennis match
that a bunch of
college scouts will be at.
It'll basically determine
the rest of my life
because my scholarship depends on it.
Wow.
That is really stressful.
But I-I think that's a
narrow way to look at it.
He was holding a Dorito with
his little people hands.
You only think the rest
of your life depends on it
because you're in the middle of it.
I promise you, though,
no matter what happens,
your life won't be ruined.
So what do I do?
What was your favorite
treat when you were a kid?
Umm brownies?
Me too.
Why don't you make yourself
a batch of brownies?
I-I mean, I know it sounds corny,
but the smell will bring you
back to when you were a kid
and every problem felt big.
And now that you're older,
you have perspective.
You know they weren't.
Just like winning this
tennis match might seem huge,
but it really isn't.
- I love that. Thank you so much.
- Good luck.
Okay. Now I can hear about the raccoon.
Oh, I'm done, actually.
- I don't want to talk about it anymore.
- Alright.
Okay, he got nacho cheese
all over his face.
And then he was
cleaning it in a birdbath
Again?!
I can't even finish a story around here!
Teen Help Line.
How's my popular girl?
I don't have time for
small talk right now.
What's going on, sweetie?
I'm trying to figure out
my outfit for tomorrow.
Apparently,
everyone else cares what I wear,
so I have to care, too!
Anna-Kat, are we still wearing
headbands today?
Or are they out? Either way is cool.
We were just wondering.
Oh, um, I don't know.
Oh, my gosh,
not knowing is actually perfect.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom now.
I love the bathroom.
I don't have to go,
but I'm happy to just sit on the toilet.
Do I wear a crew neck or a V-neck?
Or maybe a turtleneck?
I don't know. There's so many necks!
Relax, sweetie. It's gonna be fine.
Nothing is fine!
My shoe was untied today,
so everyone untied their shoes to match.
Then they all added
a Kat onto their name.
Jenny-Kat. Emily-Kat.
Even Katherine-Kat.
That's just Kat-Kat!
I kinda am feeling
that you're not having
fun being popular.
I hate it.
I never have a moment to myself anymore.
I'm the center of
attention all the time.
Yeah. You don't like that?
- No.
- Well, why didn't you say anything?
You were so happy I was finally popular,
I thought maybe I was
wrong for how I'm feeling.
I don't care whether
you're popular or not.
I was just excited because I thought
it was going to make
things easier for you.
But you need to stay true to yourself.
And if the person inside
of you isn't popular,
it makes no difference to me.
I love you no matter what.
Thanks, Mom.
I just wish I could go back
to pre-booger on Paris' face.
Well, I can't help you
to become unpopular.
That's not in my wheelhouse.
But I think I have just the guy for you.
Greg!
What's crackalackin', homies?
I was just taking my orthopedic
socks for a test ride.
I'll let you handle it from here.
I'm not even gonna get into
Online Experimental College.
Oh, what's this?
It's a plate of warm brownies.
You're really good at Teen Help Line.
What?
I used a voice modifying app
to tell you about a huge
tennis match I have coming up.
Wow.
That was super clever of you.
See? I'm helpful!
Hmm. If you think about it,
I actually helped myself.
But I helped you get there.
So one might say I was not unhelpful.
- I guess.
- Yes! I can't wait to tell Dad!
How does it look?
Perfectly disgusting.
Let's do this.
Oh, my gosh!
Anna-Kat has toilet
paper stuck to her shoe!
Eww!
Good luck.
You're now the queen bee.
Gimme back my backpack!
I'm glad that's over.
Not me.
I'm gonna miss getting
to use the bathroom.
You don't have to be popular
to use the bathroom, Franklin.
Really?
Oh. That's good to know.
Now that I'm back to being an outcast,
revisiting my glory days
was a good idea, honey.
Why is Claire Barnes'
yearbook picture your picture?
They used me as default
for everyone who didn't get
their photo taken.
I also won class clown,
most likely to succeed,
best eyes, best nose, best smile.
I swept the face, Greg.
- It's got my vote.
- What'd you win?
I only won one award.
"Best new student," my senior year.
I went to the same school
for four years.
I'm not trying to make you feel bad
that I'm out of your league.
I just want you to acknowledge it.
I know you're out of my league.
And I'm the luckiest man in the world.
Damn straight you are.
Oh, look, it's me in "Pippin."
- Where?
- In the back.
- See?
- ‭Mm-hmm.