American Housewife (2016) s05e08 Episode Script

Notice
anything different?
Well
someone unplugged
my cellphone
so they could
charge theirs.Mm.
And someone used
my students' test papers
as their
coffee coaster,
so, no, everything
seems about the same.
The house
is empty, Greg!
The kids are gone.
You spared the dog,
though, right? Oh, please.
If I would've snapped,
you'd be the first to go.
Anna-Kat's on her
Wildflower Girls retreat,
Oliver and Cooper are in
their basement apartment,
and Taylor is at Trip's
while his parents are away.
I still can't believe
you let her do that.
Taylor and I had
a civilized conversation,
and I decided
that it was fine
for her to stay
at Trip's.
I'll do what I want
when I want!
I'm an adult now,
and I'm staying at Trip's!
I am still
your mother!
I have an opinion,
and you're gonna hear it!
I don't need
your opinion!
Well, then don't come
crying to me
when you get
a raging UTI!
Actually, do,
because it could
turn into
a kidney infection!
It's so quiet
in here.
I can hear a raccoon
in the attic.
I love you and your
Southern expressions.
It's not an expression.
Last night, I could
literally hear the raccoon
that's been living
in our attic.
Don't worry,
I'll take care of it.
That's my man.
- By calling animal control.
- Oh.
That'smy man.
You know,
this is a preview
of how it's going to be
when the kids are
really out of the house.
We're free!
I can finally
have a cold one
and watch the game
in peace.
You're going to do
sports and beer?
No.
Gazpacho and "Jeopardy!"
How'd you get beer
and sports out of that?
Beer and sports?
I know.
I'm an idiot.
--Captions by VITAC--
AMERICAN HOUSEWIFE
Season 05 Episode 08
Episode Title: "Encourage, Discourage"
Aired on: February 03, 2021
I am so glad
that I have the house
to myself for a while.
Oh, I'm so jealous.
What I wouldn't give
to kick back with some wine
and watch a "Real Housewives
of New York" marathon.
No way.
I don't watch that anymore
since Dorinda
turned into such a bully.
Oh, I know.
I hate her.
How can you hate Dorinda?
She had such a tough year.
She broke up with John,
her manor house flooded,
and then she broke a rib!
- I'm just kidding.
- I hate her, too.
Sorry for eavesdropping.
I know it's rude,
but you're the only two
worth listening to.
That one's talking about
green juice,
this one over here just bought
one of those spin bikes,
and that one is suing
her plastic surgeon.
I didn't actually overhear her.
I'm just I'm just guessing.
I've never seen you
in here before.
Oh, I just moved here
after my husband and I
got divorced.
Nobody's fault, we just had
different interests.
I liked dogs,
and he liked to
tell his parents
I was his roommate
of five years.
I'm J.D.
I'm Katie.
This is my friend Tami.
Why don't you
join us?
I guarantee we will not be
talking about green juices
or overpriced
spin bikes.
Okay, sure.
I just bought
one of those bikes.
Of course you did.
Why in the world
would you move
to Westport?
I'm a manager
at the Four Seasons
that just opened up
near here,
so if you're looking
for pool cabanas,
complimentary cocktails,
and all the mini sewing kits
you want, I'm your guy.
I don't believe
in love at first sight
because my husband just
kind of kept asking me out
and wore me down,
but I love you.
Seriously,
if you want to fly us
to one of those Four Seasons
and never come back, I'm ready.
I've got everything
I need in my purse.
Can't believe we get to
spend the week together.
Nine whole days.
It's so quiet
at your house.
My sweater's been
on the floor all day
and my mom isn't screaming,
"Pick that up!
What do I look like,
your maid?
Do I have to do everything
around here?
Greg!"
Ooh, lunch.
Mm-hmm.
Your Hot Pocket,
my lady.
Ooh, thank you,
my dude.
Wonder why
they call it a pocket.
A pocket has a hole
on one end,
and these are
all closed.
It's more like
a sealed envelope.
Yeah, that makes
a lot more sense.
And "Hot Envelope"
rolls off the tongue
much better anyway.
So why call it
a pocket?
Makes you think,
right?
It really does.
See, that's why
we work so well, babe.
We challenge
each other.
Mm.
Did the Eucalyptus Foot Scrub
of the Week come?
Oh, since I'm trying to
learn how to be "Otto poor,"
I canceled all of my
"Of the Week" delivery clubs.
My Gucci Loafers
of the Week,
my Seafood Tower
of the Week,
and the
Foot Scrub of the Week.
Damn, I'm gonna miss
our soft, uncalloused feet.
The only good news is,
my special French
hair pomade is on its way.
It made it under the wire
before I canceled
my credit cards.
At least I'll have one thing
that'll make me feel normal.
Mm.
I know what will
cheer you up.
All right.
Here we go.
Let's eat the last of your
Caviar of the Week shipment.
This is Royal Ossetra. Yeah.
A proper caviar spoon
is mother of pearl.
My dad would've sent me
back to finishing school
for a mistake like this.
Man.
My dad hasn't
taught me anything
about the finer things
in life.
To think I was gonna
leave this house
without so much as
a cursory spoon education.
Ridiculous.
Grace!
We do not jump
on the couch.
Sure feels like I do.
Grace!
Look at J.D.'s
Instagram.
His home is straight out of
those fancy magazines
I read at
the checkout line,
then leave
in the candy rack
when it's time to pay.
You know,
it would be good
to have a young person
in our lives.
Shoot,
I thought TikTok
was just a breath mint
taking over the nation.
And it'll be good
to have a friend
that keeps us from
constantly talking
about kids
and being a mom.
I need some masculine
energy in my life.
Something to
spice it up,
someone adventurous,
a risk taker.
Grace, the pages stay
in the books.
Maybe we should ask him
to have Second Breakfast
with us tomorrow.
Well, he gave us
his card.
Should we call him?
Do you think
he'll say yes?
Of course.
We're awesome.
Let's be cool.
I'm always cool.
Hello?
Hi, J.D.!
It's Katie.
And your girl,
T-bone.
What are you doing? When I'm nervous,
I push.
We were
just wondering
if you would
like to join us
for Second Breakfast
tomorrow.
You know,
no big thang.
I'd love to.
See you guys tomorrow at 9:00.
Bye!
He said yes!
Oh, my God!
What are you two gonna
wear tomorrow?
Oh, I don't know.
I mean, probably my
Oh.
She's making fun of us,
isn't she?
That child hasn't said
anything with sincerity
since she was in
Pull-Ups.
I know we just met, but I
feel like we're family.
Definitely, but like
the family members
you want to
hang out with.
Not the siblings
you see on holidays
that remind you
you'rethe one
that's gonna be
taking care of Mom.Mm.
So, what is it like
working at a fancy resort?
Can you just travel
anywhere you want
in the world for free? Sure can.
Oh, how would you guys
like to tag along with me
to Costa Rica?
When?
Any time you want.
How's 3:00 today?
Too soon? 5:00?
I need a minute.
I'm having a feeling
I'm not familiar with.
I think it's joy.
Hey, guys, I wanted to
tell you something
kind of personal,
and since
you've already eaten
two of the three
Belgian waffles off my plate,
here it goes.
I've been thinking
of having a baby.
A baby?
Wow.
That is a bigdecision.
How are you going to
be able to go to Costa Rica
any time you want?
Oh, I'm not worried.
I'll figure
something out.
You're the first
people I've told.
We have to celebrate.
Where's the waiter?
Let's get some
Aperol Spritzes, huh?
You know what,
they'll never make 'em right.
I'll just go
and make 'em myself.
This is like watching
teenagers in a shark movie
heading into the ocean
on an inflatable raft.
And doing it on his own?
He clearly hasn't
thought this through.Yeah.
We owe it to him to help
since he's taking us
to Costa Rica.
Well, yes, it's a little
about Costa Rica,
but we're helping mainly
because we are good people.
Yeah, good people who deserve
to go to Costa Rica.
He needs to know
how hard it is
to be a parent.
Give him Grace
for an afternoon.
She's gonna scare anybody
out of having kids.
Hell, I'll give him
Grace forever.
Solve two people's
problems.
Study hard.
This will be
on the exam next week.
Uh, Andre?
I have a question.
But, I mean, I can just
- Just come back another time.
- Oh, no, no, no.
I always have time
for you.
Um, I'm having
a hard time
understanding the concept
of Plato's Cave.
Well, you see,
it's not a real cave.
It's a metaphor
to explore if we know
what we're actually
experiencing is real.
Let me ask you something.
Um, how do you know that
you're not dreaming right now?
Because if
I were dreaming,
I'd be in a Starbucks.
You ever been?
Uh, yeah.
I've, uh, been there
a latte.
That was so dumb.
Not as dumb as me asking
if you've been
to the world's largest
coffee chain.
You know,
I hate to admit it,
but ever since
I lived in Europe,
I've been a bit
of a coffee snob.
You lived in Europe?
That's so cool.
Oh, yeah.
Um, I've lived
in a bunch of places
Cambodia, Paris,
and a brief stint
at Tomorrowland
at Disney World.
Sully from "Monsters, Inc."
Were you good at scaring?
Uh
Aah!
That was so good.
What can I say?
I haven't done
that much traveling
except on laptop
screensavers. - Mm.
Well, you know, there's
a whole big world out there,
and I guess I just
want to experience it.
- Don't you?
- Yeah.
I guess I just
never thought about it.
I'm surprised.
I mean, you're so curious
and outgoing.
I am?
I think so.
I mean, you strike me
as someone who's gonna
get out there
and explore the world.
Who knows?
Maybe I will.
I've always wanted
to try Coffee Bean.
Well, do it now before
it gets ruined by tourists.
So, the raccoon
crawls in there,
and then it snaps shut,
and your mom will know
what kind of man she married.
Thanks for the
trapping tips.
This will come in handy
when I'm trying to find
a Merlot
to pair with a steak.
It's these father-son chats
that makes our connection
so strong.
Hey, good news.
My pomade made it
from Provence to Westport.
The only problem is,
they delivered it
to my old address,
but since I don't have
my chauffeur anymore
on account of me trying to
be like peasant folk,
I need you to go
get it for me.
I'm not
your servant, dude.
Just take my bike
and get it yourself.
I am not riding
that old bike.
Look, part of being
in this family
is having to ride
an old bike.
Everything we have
is old.
Our clothes,
we take
expired medicine,
and my dad calls
inspecting sidewalk furniture
"panning for gold."
You know what,
uh, forget it.
I'll figure
something else out.
Suit yourself.
Oh, here's another one.
My mom puts stale
potato chips in the oven
to freshen them up.
Let me guess
You're the ghost
of all sports
you've never played.
No, I'mgonna get that raccoon
out of the attic myself.
What is with you?
Just call animal control.
I don't need to
call them.
I got this.
I'm a man.
I drink whiskey.
You drink half a teaspoon
when you have a cold.
Still counts!
Ooh, thanks for
helping me sample
the hotel's new
luxury picnic basket.
I don't recognize
any of these foods,
so I know
it's gonna be good.
What else do we have?
Oh, chocolate-covered
blueberries.Mm-hmm.
Paté.
A mozzarella ball?
Oh, that cheese
is so good,
I'm gonna save it
for myself.
I'm kidding,
but I'll just put it
over here.
Oh.
He's trying to eat
my jelly doughnut!
Oh, who do we
have here?
That's my daughter
Grace.
Hi, Grace.
I'm so sorry.
I couldn't find
a sitter.
But don't worry,
she'll just sit here quietly.
Cool.
Oh. Or she'll
just do that.
Oh, no,
I think that's great.
This is my future,
so I'd better
get used to it.
Hey.
Hi, cutie.
You look like
you could use a napkin.
Ohhh!
Guess that works, too.
Grace!
Ugh, kids.
I'm so sorry.
They ruin
all your clothes.
I had to wear sweatpants
to a wedding last month.
Ugh.
Luthor, fetch! Oh!
Ah, look at your
adorable daughter
giving the dog a super,
super expensive snack.
Ugh, that is the problem
with kids.
You can't have
nice things.
The only cheese
that I have
has "whiz" or "its"
at the end.
Maybe we should do this
another time at my place.
We could sit in the backyard
by the koi pond.
Oh, you're gonna
have to drain that.
Mm-hmm. What, why?
Childproofing.
Same reason why
you fence your pool,
cover your fire pit,
gate your stairs,
and pee in the bathtub
because you can't figure out
how to unlock
the toilet seat.
But kids are great.
I mean, besides having to
change your entire backyard
and also
your whole life
- Mm-hmm
- they're totally worth it.
Okay, ladies, I
I think
I'm realizing something.
You two are trying to
scare me out of having kids
by coaching Grace
to terrorize me.
Oh, I didn't coach her.
She's a misbehaving
prodigy,
like the Mozart of
raising my blood pressure.
We felt like we wouldn't be
good friends to you
if we didn't show you
what a life-changing
decision it is
to have a child.
Well, I know it's gonna change,
and I'm fine with that.
I-I opened up to you,
hoping you'd be supportive,
but I was wrong.
You guys are worse
than Dorinda.
- You take that back.
- Mnh-mnh.
I'm gonna go wait out front
for my Uber.
See ya around.
I feel horrible.
Me too.
We don't deserve these
chocolate-covered
blueberries. No.
But we should
eat them sadly
to remind us
of our shame.
Mm.
And maybe a little bit
of that shame paté.Mm-hmm.
We're glad
you're still here.
We brought you what's left
of the mozzarella ball.
We rinsed it off
with a hose.
It still has to be worth
like $85.
Mm-hmm.
We're sorry that we weren't
being supportive.
But honestly,
we're still worried
that you don't know
what you're getting into.
We just want to
make sure
- you're thinking this through.
- Mm-hmm.
Of course I am.
You never see a gay couple
getting drunk one night
and filling out
50 pounds of legal work
and, oopsie,
ending up with a child.
You have to
really want it,
and I do.
You think
you want it, but
Oh, and I've watched
your mommy vlog.
For all your complaining
about kids,
you sure seem
to enjoy them.
Just because
I complain about them
doesn't mean I don't
love them or miss them.
Oh, man.
I love and miss them.
Who taught you
how to shoot like that?
My dad.
He was incredible.
You know he never missed
any of my basketball games?
Even the away ones.
He would skip work
and follow the team bus
to wherever I was going.
I always hoped
I'd be a dad like him.
That was one of
the hardest things
about coming out.
I thought I wouldn't be able
to have my own family.
But things changed,
and now I get to
have that chance.
We're the worst.
We're gonna do
everything we can
- to help you get a baby.
- Mm-hmm.
That is,
if you forgive us.
Of course, girls.
Let's hug it out.
Yay!
I've always wanted to have
a fabulous gay friend
since the movie
"My Best Friend's Wedding."
Oh, every time a straight woman
I know watches that movie,
they're on me
like avocado on toast.
Not in my
friend's house!
All right, you've been
reading for over an hour.
I'm worried about you.
I'm just studying
for philosophy class.
Plato says we're all stuck
inside this cave
looking at shadows
on the wall,
and we think
that's the whole world,
but it's not.
It's just interesting
to think about.
Yeah, I was up all night
thinking about something, too.
And I've solved it. Solved what?
Just the biggest
question of all.
Why do they call
a Hot Pocket a pocket?
And I finally
get it now.
When you bite into it,
there's a hole in the top,
like a pocket.
You're still thinking
about that?
Yeah. Aren't you?
I don't know.
I've been thinking more
about you and me together.
Y-You know, we could go
anywhere we want,
even another country.
Wouldn't that
be so cool?
Why would I want to live
anywhere other than Westport?
My parents live here,
my brothers.
I know where all
the best houses are
for trick or treating.
What could be better
than this?
I don't know,
maybe living in Greece.
- The movie?
- No, Greece, the place.
No, babe,
"grease" is the word.
Dude.
Where is your body?
Where's your shine?
Pull it together, man.
Just take my bike
and go get your pomade.
I said I'm not riding it,
and that's it.
Oh, what, you think
you're too good for me?
No, I don't.
Yeah, you do.
What other reason
is there?
You're too good for
our spoons, you're too
I don't know how!
Okay?
I don't know how to
ride a bike.
What?
How is that possible?
Because at my house,
if you wanted to go somewhere,
there was always an employee
to drive you, fly you,
sail you on a yacht,
or take you
in a Ducati sidecar.
That sounds
pretty baller to me.
But it's not.
I would've loved
for my father
to have taught me
how to ride a bike,
but he never had
the time.
He never drove me
to school.
He never helped me
with my homework.
He was never there
for anything.
It wasn't until junior high
that I realized
you weren't supposed to
pee sitting down.
Dude.
If you want to learn
how to ride a bike,
I know the perfect guy
to teach you.
Oh, my God,
you know Lance Armstrong?
Thanks.
Hello?
Hi, Anna-Kat,
it's Mommy.
Why are you
calling me?
I'm just seeing if
you're missing me
just as much
as I'm missing you.
No one else's mom
is calling them.
It's embarrassing!
It's on its hind legs!
That's a killing pose!
Aah!
I'm good.
Oh, my God!
Are you okay?
Merely giving the raccoon
a false sense of security.
Just call
animal control!
I got this.
Mom, I need your opinion
on something.
Oh, nowyou want
my opinion?
Forget it.
I'm sorry.
Please don't leave me.
I'm so confused.
I had a conversation
at college
about philosophy and Plato,
and it was so cool,
but when I tried to
share it with Trip,
all he wanted to do
was talk about
why Hot Pockets
are called Hot Pockets.
Yeah, why arethey
called pockets?
There's no opening.
I was so sure I wanted
a future with Trip,
and I think I still do.
It
But there's a whole
world out there,
and I want to see it.
Maybe even live
in another country.
But I don't see Trip
doing that.
I love him
so much, but
Things change
when you go to college.
And they should.
- It means you're growing.
- It's scary to grow.
And it's scary
to watch you grow,
but we both have
to do it.
And as for
who's right for you,
you'll just know.
Maybe it's Trip,
and maybe it's not.
And that's okay.
I found
the most perfect guy.
And you will, too.
No!
We're gonna stay in this hug
until it's time to bury me.
I'm telling you,
you're in luck, dude.
We happen to have
an expert
right here
in front of you.
Let's do this.
Okay, don't let go.
I'm not letting go.
I'm not letting go.
I let go.
I'm doing it.
I'm doing it!
Yeah!
What was that for?
For being
my perfect guy.
But I heard you tell Tami
that you wanted someone
with more masculine energy,
someone to spice it up.
Oh, my God!
I was talking about
what's missing
in my friend group,
not what's missing
in my marriage.
In a partner, I want someone
dependable, smart,
a little dorky.
And I hit the jackpot.
Thanks, but that doesn't
sound very sexy.
Oh, please.
You teaching Cooper
how to ride a bike
is way sexier than Ramone
pulling up to my dorm
on a motorcycle.
- Who's Ramone?
- Whoo-hoo!
Look at Cooper go!
This is the most
bueno day ever!
I love my poor mom and dad!
Yeah!
Hey, I, uh
I just want to thank you
for taking the time
to teach me
how to ride a bike,
so I brought you this.
I'm gonna
stop you right there.
Champagne
makes me giggly.
You don't
drink the champagne.
That's so gauche.
I'm gonna teach you
how to open up
a champagne bottle
with
A saber.
Uh, are you sure
that's a good idea?
Oh, yeah, totally.
You want to follow through
like a golf swing. Like this.
Oh, my God!
That is so cool!
Oh, this would kill
at our French Revolution
meeting
And if you're not careful,
literally.
Oh, it's so easy.
I've been doing it
since I was 8.
Our live-in sommelier
taught me.
- Here, I'll show you.
- Okay.
Hold the saber.
Deep breaths,
nice and easy.
Let's relax,
let's relax.
Okay. Ease the arm.
I'm a little scared.
Hey, you don't
have to be.
I got you.
I got you.
Okay.
Angle it,
and follow the seam.
- I did it!
- Yeah!