American Housewife (2016) s05e09 Episode Script

1
I got my campaign posters back
from the printer.
Tell me what you think.
"Greg Otto: Integrity."
- Babe, I love it!
- That's the same voice you use
when the kids show you
their art projects.
- Fine. I don't like the slogan.
- What's wrong with "integrity"?
As someone without integrity,
it feels like an attack.
Plus, it's boring.
The slogan needs to be catchy,
like "Make Westport Greg Again!"
How can I make Westport more Greg?
And the word "again"
implies that the town
was once Greg and now it's not.
You took the fun out of this real fast.
I'm sticking with integrity.
It's the perfect slogan
because my opponents have none.
Principal Ablin's only in it for power,
and Steve Hobert's a dirty politician
who only pushes policies
in exchange for favors.
That's the gig, Greg.
If you want to be a politician,
you got to get your hands dirty.
Not gonna happen.
My hands will stay clean
because I have
You're a good person.
We get it.
Taylor, heads up
I'm not doing laundry today.
So, if you need underwear,
cut two holes in one
of your dad's NPR totes.
Mom, you're so embarrassing.
I'm on with the Joshes.
- Hey, Mrs. Otto.
- Hi, Mrs. Otto.
Katie. My lady.
Hey, Josh.
Hi, Josh.
Hello. Josh.
What are you doing still
hanging out with these idiots?
Mom, they can hear you.
Sweetie, it's okay.
They know they're idiots.
Mrs. Otto, you should come with us
to Blow A Gasket.
It's this cool rage-room
where you can pay to smash
old electronics.
And we think it'd be healthy for you,
seeing how you're so filled with rage.
It's not rage. It's hate.
Rage is fleeting.
Hate is forever.
- But, Katie
- Mom,
stop intimidating my friends!
The Joshes are a bad influence.
You're in college now.
You need to find higher-quality people.
You're right. I am in college,
which means you can't tell me
who to hang out with anymore.
She just walked away from me.
Can you believe her?
Are you really using my totes
for underwear?
Watch me undress tonight
and you'll have your answer.
Somebody named
Jessica Van Hought was arrested
for shoplifting a toothbrush.
How embarrassing.
Ooh, public shaming.
I love it.
This is why I moved to Westport.
And because of my job.
Actually, it was really only my job,
but this is fun.
Jessica is loaded.
Why would she shoplift?
Mm. For the thrill.
And that's why I steal
the silverware here
and throw it away when I get home.
Well, I have some actual big news.
I'm close to picking an egg donor!
I'm down to two candidates.
This is so exciting.
Both my donors are smart, healthy,
and play musical instruments,
so it's a tie.
I want my kid
playing Britney Spears' "Toxic"
on a baby grand
by the time they're three.
Well, in my experience,
musical talent is not genetic.
I mean, my kids can't sing,
but I sure
Ca-a-a-a-an ♪
Well, next time, give me a heads up
and I'm gonna come in with the harmony.
I'm going to the fertility clinic
to see if they have
any more information,
and I want you guys to come with
to help me decide.
I'm in.
We got to pick you out
a good-looking baby
so that I don't have
to give vague compliments
like, "Oh, what a darling outfit,"
or "Wow, just look at her."
I'm in, too.
If I could have had control
over Grace's genetics,
I would make sure she didn't get
the "dip all my lipsticks
in the toilet" gene.
I knew I could count on you guys.
This is the best squad ever.
Aww. I wish Taylor had a group
like this.
All of her friends went off to college,
and now she is left with The Joshes.
- Uh, The Joshes?
- Mm-hmm.
They're great.
Josh has a lacrosse net in his yard.
He said I can use it at any time.
I mean, I haven't yet, but again,
totally can at any time.
I need a fork.
So, is everyone happy
with the fan placement?
I went with an indirect wind
as opposed to the fans on you guys.
It's an old trick
Richard Branson taught me.
Do either of you need any help?
No, thanks. Uh, I've got this
business plan under control.
And nobody touches my code.
Okay, then.
- What can I do?
- Nothing.
Because you're useless.
- Defend my honor.
- That is not true.
Cooper brings tons of value
to our start-up.
- Like what?
- Uh
he can wear the crap out of
a pair of Gucci driving loafers.
I really can.
Let me lay out some facts
for you, all right?
Fact number one when you had money,
you could have been an investor.
But now that you have no money,
you serve no purpose.
And fact number two
you've got toothpick legs.
It seems highly unlikely
that a pair of driving loafers
would look good on you.
Okay. Feels like a natural
stopping point for today.
Don't let Trevor get under your skin.
He's right about me, man.
Without my money, what am I good for?
- You're a talented guy.
- How?
You can raise your eyebrow really well
in an inquisitive manner.
So my brow game is at a hundred.
Big whoop.
Toothpick legs.
I'm sick of my mom judging my friends!
I keep forgetting my Hulu password!
There's an owl outside my window
that keeps waking me up!
Nobody will go see Shawn Mendes with me!
Wow. That was fun.
What do you guys want to do next?
I say we all go hot tubbing.
And then get hot chocolate.
That sounds great.
I don't know why my mom thinks
you guys are such a bad influence on me.
Hot tub hopping is trespassing,
but since it's her first offense,
I'm letting her go with a warning.
Thank you so much, Officer.
We will take it from here.
What the hell is wrong with you,
Taylor?!
It's just tub hopping, Mom.
Relax.
Relax?
Uh-oh. You said a "no-no" word.
This is not about hot tub hopping.
This is about The Joshes
always getting you into trouble.
Next time, do it right.
Pick a house where the people
aren't home,
throw a party, it gets out of control,
call the cops on yourself.
That's how it's done.
Taylor, did the police officer
take you to the station
before he drove you home?
I got booked and everything,
but I think he just did it to scare me.
Haberdashery!
Ooh, you're in big trouble.
Your father is talking old-timey.
If you got booked,
that means your picture
is definitely going to make it
in the police blotter
in the Westport Gazette.
I'm running for office.
How can I run on integrity
when my daughter is a criminal?
The cop let me off with a warning.
I'm sure if we explain that
to the newspaper dudes,
they won't run the story.
I'll come with you.
That's actually a pretty good idea,
and you volunteering to fix your mistake
- shows a lot of integrity.
- Hey!
Integrity's a good thing.
Oh. Okay.
- Mm.
- Hmm.
Ooh, we have enough.
We can upgrade our house.
Oh. Yes.
What are you doing, man?
What does it look like?
I'm eating my feelings.
I have no value,
nothing to offer the world.
That's your opening, dude.
You're killing the vibe, man.
I'm on a date here.
It's hard to play
when you're moping around.
So, cheer up.
Or shut up.
Give him a break.
He's trying to figure out
his place in the world.
Is there anything you've always
wanted to try, but haven't?
I feel like I have
the soul of an artist,
but I've never actually drawn anything.
Grab the crayons.
The nice ones.
They're in the safe in my closet.
- You know the code.
- 4932276098.
Great. Now we all know the code.
All right, guys,
let's see your portraits.
Here's mine.
What do you think?
Wow. Wow, Cooper.
Seriously, your drawing i-is amazing.
Love, hate, life, death.
It's all in there.
Hmm.
Let me see your drawings.
Holy crap.
Mine's terrible.
Franklin, let me see yours.
Normally, I'm more of a surrealist,
but with the medium of crayon,
impressionism called to me.
Oh, yeah?
Did a tragic fashion sense
call you, too?
Sorry. I'm lashing out
'cause I'm hurting.
It's actually quite lovely.
It's crap!
So, I'm deciding
between Donor 20 and Donor 11,
and I was wondering if you had
any more information on them.
All the donor information can be
accessed on the online portal.
I've read the files,
and I need to know more.
You can tell a lot from looking
into someone's eyes.
Like, your favorite Beyoncé album is
Oh, my God. It's "B'Day"!
Girl, you are a loose cannon.
I'm sorry, but we don't go
that in-depth with the donors.
Well, is there any way
we could contact them
to see if they'd be willing
to set up a meeting?
I can't give out
any of that information.
Egg donation is anonymous.
Oh, I see.
Like how Alcoholics Anonymous
says it's anonymous,
but it's not really anonymous.
If someone sees a celebrity
there, they're gonna tell.
Yeah, my uncle was in AA with someone
whose name rhymes with Shmel Bibson.
Would a hundred dollar bill
change your mind?
Tami, cough it up.
- I don't have any cash.
- J.D.?
- Uh, do you take Venmo?
- Get out.
- Okay.
- Oh.
I'll just tell you.
It was Mel Gibson.
Guys, I don't know if I can have a baby
without meeting my egg donor in person.
What if she's someone who claps
when a plane lands?
I can't live with
that kind of genetic material.
Hey, I do that. Why is that bad?
- We lived.
- Don't worry.
We can still meet your donors.
Before we left, I went to the bathroom
and unlocked the window.
So we can sneak back in tonight
and get the addresses of your donors.
What if we get caught?
I can't go to jail.
Come on. Be cool.
Oh, okay. I'm in.
I'm very susceptible to peer pressure.
Tami, if we get caught,
they're never going
to consider me viable
for an egg donation.
Oh, that's true. I'm back out.
But you just said if you don't
meet them face-to-face,
then you're not going to do it.
If we don't do this, no baby.
I really want a baby.
- I'm in.
- I'm back in, too.
Wow! This is fun.
I'm all over the place.
Yeah, you are.
I can't believe the publisher
wouldn't retract the story.
I guess he has integrity.
You learned a new word today. We get it.
Hey.
Aren't you that dude
from Stewart and Kingston's
who writes a quote on every check?
"Knowledge is power.
Knowledge shared is power multiplied."
- Robert Boyce.
- Yeah, I need to get a photo of you
to prove to the guys in the kitchen
that you're not a 90-year-old woman.
Why were you guys meeting with my dad?
Your dad is the publisher
of the Westport Gazette?
Sure is. In fact,
the only reason he bought it
was to keep me out of the arrest page.
As someone who always tips you 20%,
would you mind asking your dad
to keep her out of the police blotter?
I'm running for city council.
I can't afford a scandal right now.
It won't be the first time
I've helped a politician
keep his mistress out of the newspaper.
- She's my daughter.
- Ew! He's my dad!
Oh. You guys have your
story straight. Well done.
I'd be happy to help you,
if you're willing to help me.
Once you're on the city council,
I need you to rezone my ex's house
so it's not in Westport.
- Why would you want that?
- To lower her property value.
That'll teach her
to call me petty and vengeful.
I don't think a deal like that
would be ethical.
All right, well, think about it.
And if you two ever broke up, trust me,
you'd want to do the same thing to her.
She's my daughter.
And you're her daddy.
What about construction worker?
Oh, no. I promised my great-grandfather
on his deathbed
never to do manual labor.
I wasn't a pallbearer at his
funeral for that very reason.
Fair enough.
What about comedian?
I have been known to make
some fairly keen observations
about the world.
Maybe it's time I put it in joke form.
Yeah. I love your observations.
Oh. Which ones?
The keen ones.
I love those, too.
then the kangaroo said,
"Because I'm a marsupial,
for God's sake!"
My boy can literally do anything.
Thank you, guys. That has been my time.
Next up on the stage
is an up-and-coming comedian.
Put your hands together
for Cooper Bradford!
So, I was having some spa water
the other day,
and I was like,
"Why do they call it spa water?"
You don't just drink it in the spa.
You drink it on your yacht,
in your mansion.
They should call it everywhere water.
Guys, that's that's funny.
Don't talk to us. Just keep going.
What's a yacht owner's
favorite rap song?
"I Like Big Boats and I Cannot Lie."
These jokes used to kill with my staff.
Why aren't you guys laughing?
Because you were their boss.
You paid them to laugh.
Oh. Tough crowd.
Looks like I need some everywhere water.
Nothing? That's called
a callback, people.
C'mon!
I found a way to keep Taylor
out of the police blotter,
but I need your help.
Should I keep my integrity
or should I make a backdoor deal?
- Greg, come on.
- Come on, what?
We both know what's happening here.
You, Mr. Integrity, are coming to me,
Mrs. Not A Shred Of Integrity,
so I can tell you
to make the decision
that you're too afraid to make.
That's exactly what's happening.
Help me justify my actions.
Even though you are benefiting
politically
by keeping Taylor out of the paper,
you are protecting her
from embarrassment.
Keep going.
And whenever you're trying
to protect your family,
you will always have integrity.
Wow. That kind of makes sense.
Just like when the guy
in the Mafia whacks someone
who's looking at his wife wrong.
- What?
- Forget that part.
Make the deal.
Okay, ladies. Let's make this quick.
Damn.
There's a password.
If this were one of my boys' computers,
I could crack it in a second.
I spent years
hacking into their devices.
Boobs123, HotBoobs, TigOleBitties.
I've seen a thousand episodes
of "The Mentalist."
My grandmother and I both think
Simon Baker's hot.
Oh, my God. So hot.
I don't know who that is,
but I'm gonna say he's hot, too,
'cause I don't want to get left out.
One thing I've learned is that people
will often leave clues for you.
You just have to look for them.
This woman's really into reindeer.
Ugh. She's one of those
year-round Christmas people.
Hey, I'm one of those people.
Why is that bad?
Christmas is magical.
Reindeer.
Reindeer123.
Try TigOleReindeer.
Christmas.
Christmas123.
Boom!
- Damn, you're good!
- Thank you.
Oh, crap! The cops are here!
We must have tripped the silent alarm
- when we opened the door.
- What are we going to do?
Flush the evidence!
Sorry. Old habits.
I don't want to go to jail.
Or maybe I do.
It would give me some time away
from Grace.
She's killing me.
Okay, I'm ready for jail.
You think a five-star hotel
is going to rehire a felon?
At best, I'll be managing
a four-star hotel,
where the guests can get cereal
in the lobby.
Guys, you two climb out the
window and I'll take the heat.
Martha Stewart went to jail
and now she's got a cooking show
with Snoop Dogg.
I honestly want this.
Follow me.
Okay. You can let go.
On one.
You good?
Yeah.
The alleyway is clear.
I can't believe we're doing this.
Katie, this is all on you.
I know. I'm such an idiot.
- I'm really sorry.
- What are you talking about?
This is the most fun I've had
since I've been in Westport.
Yeah. I'd much rather be here
getting in trouble with you guys
than at home eating a whole bag
of potato chips
one small bowl at a time.
C'mon. Give it a try.
Oh, Tami, you beautiful, stupid woman.
Dude, don't give up.
There's more to you than just money.
No. There isn't.
I was bred to be rich. I'm a show pony.
You can't put a plow on the back
of a show pony.
It'd look ridiculous.
I know you have tons of
qualities that money can't buy.
- Like what?
- When I was the new kid,
you became friends with me,
even though I wasn't wealthy.
And in a town like Westport,
that took character.
I am good on the inside.
Now do my outside.
Your outfit is fire right now.
Thanks, buddy.
Hey, food's ready.
Whoa.
This is amazing.
What did you put in these?
Nothing special.
Just four kinds of cheese,
caramelized onions,
and a thyme-sage butter I made.
Oh, my God. Cooper, this is honestly
the best grilled cheese I've ever had.
- Okay, guys, you don't have to lie.
- We're not lying.
This grilled cheese tastes like
the last days of summer,
when the sunshine is endless
and the lake water
is as warm as the air.
Deep down, you know life
can't be this beautiful forever,
but that's why you go ahead
and take another bite.
Thank you.
And you wonder why I love him.
- Who taught you to cook like this?
- No one.
I did spend a lot of time
watching my family's personal chef.
I must've learned from watching.
Well, I'm impressed.
The texture of your grilled cheese?
Exquisite.
The plating?
Inspired.
Judges?
You may unpack your knifes and stay.
So, wait I'm a chef?
I'm a chef.
You are going to wear the crap
out of those black-and-white
checkered pants.
Yeah, I am.
These are pretty.
Who sent them?
Oh, it's an apology from The Joshes
for getting me busted.
I hate to admit it, but you were right.
It's time for me to get
some more mature friends.
Hmm.
"Sorry, Bruh. The Joshes."
Touching.
Actually, Taylor,
I think you should stay friends
with The Joshes.
I was wrong about them.
So, you don't think
they're idiots anymore?
Oh, no. They're definitely idiots.
But my friendship
with J.D. and Tami has taught me
that sometimes, idiot friends
are the best kind of friends.
They spice it up
and they make life not boring.
But Tami and J.D. aren't idiots.
No, they're friends with me.
I'm the idiot.
Walker kept his word.
Taylor isn't in the police blotter.
That is true,
but did you check the second page?
No. Why?
What the hell is this?!
You were arrested breaking into
a fertility clinic last night?!
Sounds like you know exactly
what the hell it is.
I made a deal with the devil
to keep my daughter
out of the paper
only to find my wife in there?
If it makes you feel any better,
there won't be any charges filed.
Or I assume.
I'm kind of treating it
like my parking tickets.
I've been a politician for a week,
and I'm already doing crooked deals,
and I have a family scandal.
We're like the Kennedys,
without the money or jawline.
Who are they?
What is everyone staring at?
You. Your arrest
is all that anyone
is talking about right now.
Rumors are flying.
People think you were trying
to steal information
so you could sell your eggs
on the black market.
People have met my children.
No one is buying my eggs.
I'm sorry you got in trouble
for nothing.
- It wasn't for nothing.
- What do you mean?
Before the cops came in,
I logged back in
to the nurse's computer
and got the addresses
of your egg donors.
Katie, you're the best.
That's what idiot friends are for.
They're also good
for giving you free muffins.
Yeah, that's right. I'm a part of this
whether you want me or not.
Ooh! Hamilton Rogers was cited
for using a gas-powered leaf blower.
This police blotter never disappoints.
Courtney Wellington
stole American Girl Dolls
out of a kids' donation box?
It's horrible, but, like,
so horrible I kind of love it.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Jessica Varnacky stabbed her husband!
Oh. I thought that was gonna be,
like, a funny one.
- Mnh-mnh.
- Anonymous vandal spray paints
"It Sucks" under
"Welcome to Westport" sign.
Anonymous vandal?
My dad doesn't
give me credit for anything!
Maybe he's trying to protect you?
No. He's just not supportive of my art!
Damn it!