Hacks (2021) s05e09 Episode Script
The Garden
1
Hold up ♪
Every day, I wake up ♪
Wake your ass up ♪
"The Breakfast Club" ♪
Are y'all finished or y'all done?
Morning, everybody.
It's DJ Envy,
Jess Hilarious, Charlamagne Tha God.
We are "The Breakfast Club."
And we got a special guest
in the building, Deborah Vance.
Hey. What's up, y'all?
And please call me Deborah Tha God.
[LAUGHTER]
OK, so, Deborah, talk to us.
You had this crazy noncompete
for how long?
- 18 months. Yeah.
- Mm.
Year and a half,
I wasn't legally allowed
to perform or speak publicly.
And the one time I did,
I went to jail.
- Damn.
- Damn.
But that expired at midnight.
And I knew that the first place
I wanted to break my silence
was here at "The Breakfast Club"
with my good friend Charlamagne.
Yes, indeed.
Wow, people don't know
y'all go way back.
- Yes, we do.
- No, it's true.
We actually co-own a racehorse.
Her name's Wheat Thin.
Here, I'll show you.
Yeah, she's a sweetheart
terrific spirit, beautiful mane.
Yeah, she's work hard, play hard.
- Go, Wheat Thin, OK.
- Yeah.
That's where Jess get her hair from.
- Don't do me.
- Whoa. Whoa.
But people don't want
to hear about Wheat Thin.
They want to hear about your
sold-out show next Thursday
at Madison Square Garden.
How does that feel?
That's, like, the pinnacle
- for a stand-up comic.
- Yeah, it is.
You know, when I quit "Late Night,"
I kind of took a hit publicly.
And I wasn't sure I could sell it out.
But you didn't just sell out.
You sold out in, like,
10 minutes, right?
Yes, I did. [LAUGHS]
Damn, those tickets moved
faster than Wheat Thin.
[LAUGHTER]
So you got a week left until the show.
What are you doing to prepare?
Uh, it's kind of rigorous, Envy.
I've got a trainer,
a physical therapist,
a choreographer, a vocal coach.
We're just working nonstop to
make sure this is the best 9/11
that New York has ever had.
- Huh?
- We're so happy to see you.
And I'm glad that you came
to stop past us.
My honor. I am a long-time member
- of "The Breakfast Club" Nation.
- OK.
Now, are you really listening
for us or the music?
Both.
My friend Kiki's turned me on
to all the greats.
I've got That Mexican O
on heavy rotation.
OK.
BigXthaPlug, Nine Vicious, 1900Rugrat.
OK.
Hey, can we go out
on a little GloRilla?
- Not Big Glo.
- Yes, Big Glo.
All right, let's play some Glo.
Let's play "Let Her Cook."
Uh, let her cook, whoo ♪
Big Glo comin' through fryin' shit ♪
Let her cook, whoo ♪
All this sauce,
I'm trying shit, hoo ♪
Let me cook ♪
[GABRIELS' "BLAME"]
♪
Mornings turn to night ♪
And then the night becomes the day ♪
I can't keep up with time ♪
The hydraulic lift is bringing me
up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up.
I'm thinking this'll look
way too far upstage.
Can we move this down?
Let's say 3 feet.
Let's try that. Remark it. Thank you.
Not a captive ♪
If it's where I want to be ♪
Ooh, la, la, la, la, la ♪
[GROANING]
Ah.
Ha, ha, ha, hoo, hoo, hoo.
[TRILLING]
♪
Hello, Madison Square Garden.
I'm back from the dead.
And just like Jesus,
I love having 12 gay guys
over for supper.
This lining has to change.
- I just
- We're changing it.
But it needs to change, like, now,
because I have to rehearse in it.
This is the stuff
that's making me nervous.
Thank you, New York.
I'm still Deborah Vance.
Good night.
Can't be a slave
if I'm already free ♪
Can't be a ♪
And then at that point,
I am Jesus on the cross.
And here come
my three wise men, and
[VOCALIZING]
Who's gonna catch me
when I fall down ♪
- [BEEPING]
- [PANTING]
Ah.
Hello, New York!
♪
What's up, New York?
[PANTING]
♪
What's good, New York?
[CLOCK TICKING]
- [GAME CHIMES]
- Nice shot.
Come on, get up there. Phew.
[PHONE BUZZING] That's the way oh.
Ah.
Hey, good-looking.
You ready to rock the Garden?
Almost.
I'm just having trouble sleeping.
And I don't want
to take Ambien this week
'cause I need to stay sharp.
- Sure.
- I just really need my rest.
And there's really
only one other thing
that helps me sleep deeply.
Deborah Vance, is this a booty call?
Oh, don't be tacky.
Just get in your private jet
and get over here.
Wheels up!
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
So for a generation
without economic stability
and so few job prospects,
the small things
become the only things
that we can control.
And the biggest question becomes,
who is making dinner?
- Aw!
- [APPLAUSE]
Well-told.
She is the best, truth teller.
Thank you. Oh, thank you.
Yeah.
Well, listen, in any other situation,
I would say, you know,
give us a beat to discuss.
But since we already have
a deal with you,
I'm just gonna be real.
I don't know why you need
to tell this story.
Yeah, I guess because
I thought of the idea
and brought it on down to you.
- Sure, sure.
- Had to yeah, that's why.
I just kind of feel like a lot
of writers of your generation
could do this show.
Sure, yeah, I guess what makes me feel
best suited to tell this story
- Uh-huh.
- Is that I feel like I can
balance communicating
the crushing weight
of this economic system
with the hard comedy
Right.
And sort of the real characters.
Yeah, with her,
you're gonna get the funny.
And you know they passed
on "Friends" six times
before they made "Friends."
- And then there was "Friends."
- Yeah.
And this is better than that,
depending on casting.
I hear you.
It just it doesn't feel personal.
- OK.
- Listen, we love you.
We are so excited about you.
But this idea specifically,
it's just not sparking joy for me.
Oh, crap.
Ay.
Not this one.
Do you have anything else?
- Um
- She does.
She's got you have so many
ideas that it's honestly
she's like Shakespeare
on crack, but not on crack
'cause she doesn't have a problem.
But if Shakespeare were a woman,
- which maybe she was
- Maybe.
She is like that
crazy amount of ideas,
some of them new, some of them old.
Some of them IP, if you want
that, and some of them not.
- OK.
- So we're gonna regroup.
We're gonna talk about it.
We're gonna figure out
what makes sense for you.
- We're gonna bring it back.
- Yeah.
And it's gonna be good.
I love this. I love this.
This is sparking joy.
Yay.
I'll bring you something else.
Please do.
Sometimes I wonder what I'd do ♪
Without your love, yeah ♪
- Without your love, baby ♪
- [SNORING]
- Somebody help me now ♪
- [CLATTERING]
Ah, damn it.
[CART CLATTERING]
Sorry. Sorry.
- Good morning.
- Morning.
Sleep well?
I did.
[PHONE BUZZING]
Ay-yi-yi.
- I
- No, it's OK. It's OK.
Hey, Tyler.
How you doing?
Uh-huh.
Sure.
Uh
Severance package?
- What?
- Oh, God.
Put out to pasture by
a bunch of dorky computer kids.
I've always hated computers,
by the way.
Oh, they've ruined everything.
Deborah, I think this might be ageism.
Yeah, well, welcome to the club.
I mean, you're 40 years behind,
but we're happy to have you.
I've given 35 years to the Palmetto.
I helped build that fucking place!
I get it.
It's terrible.
[SIGHS]
What the hell am I gonna do now, Deb?
I don't know. I'm sorry.
I hate to say this,
but I gotta go get ready.
I gotta rehearse. Tell you what.
Why don't you stick around
for a few days?
Come and see the show.
You think I wasn't gonna stick around
to see you play the Garden?
Come on.
Course you are. [CHUCKLES]
It's gonna be OK.
Yeah.
It is.
You take it from me.
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
[SIGHS] OK.
♪
When I'm hungry,
my whole personality changes.
They'll be here in five minutes.
I ordered the polenta fritters.
And where the hell is our waitress?
- Honey, calm down.
- God damn it. God
- Shh.
- Oh, wait, there she is.
- There she is.
- Hello.
- Ava.
- Hi.
- This is Jack.
- Hi.
Jack, this is my daughter,
Ava Cecilia.
Confirmation name, not real.
- But nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.
So will Deborah be having
a red carpet experience for her show?
Because Jack and I recently,
we broke the seal
as a public couple
when we were photographed
at the National Windsurfing
Awards dinner.
- [CHUCKLES] Wow.
- Jack's a grandmaster.
- He was ranked fifth nationally.
- Oh!
Yeah, he was dating
another windsurfer.
And I just I stole him.
Took me away.
I just I blew his mind.
[LAUGHS]
- It's wild times.
- Totally.
[BOTH SMOOCHING]
Crazy behavior.
- So hot.
- [LAUGHS]
- It's just unbelievable.
- Would you stop?
Oh, sorry.
So how did your pitch go?
It didn't go well.
It's not looking like
I'm gonna have a show.
What?
Don't they know how brilliant you are?
Oh, come on.
I have an idea for a show
about a windsurfer.
Matthew McConaughey,
he'd be great for it.
That actually sounds really sellable.
- Ooh!
- Really?
Yeah. This is how it happens, honey.
Yeah, no, no, Ava knows people.
She'll get it done.
Who should he email?
[SINGERS VOCALIZING]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
I mean, it sucks.
I had tons of episode ideas,
and I didn't even get to them.
I'm sorry. They're idiots.
[SIGHS] Thank you. Yeah.
I mean, I'll figure
something out, but
Can you pass me the phone?
Your phone or my phone?
The phone.
I want to order room service.
Oh, no, you don't order
room service on the phone.
You scan it with, like,
a QR code on your phone.
So if I want to order room service,
I can't use the phone?
No.
I have to use my phone?
Yeah.
But I can't call anybody?
Right, yeah. No.
You know, it's no wonder you
people are all autistic now.
- You never talk to anyone.
- [LAUGHS]
I need to start wearing
a body cam around you, girl.
Jesus Christ, the stuff
you're freaking saying.
Do not drink that.
What? Why?
No, never pull a beverage
from the minibar.
It is marked up 700%.
I don't want to get ripped off.
No, I'll have Damien go to Duane Reade
and get you one
if you really want one.
[LAUGHING] OK.
So I can't have it?
[SIGHS]
Well, since you don't usually
reach for the sugar-free,
I guess I should reward that.
This time, I'll allow it.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, my God, I I'm gonna
head to my room really quickly.
Are you good here?
Ugh, I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know.
Hey.
You're gonna kill tomorrow.
Thanks.
OK. Good night.
♪
I know.
♪
[MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]
[CHUCKLES]
[EXCITING MUSIC]
Good morning, New York City.
It's hotter than hell out there,
but thankfully,
we've got some sweet relief
from the diva herself, Deborah Vance.
She's finally laying it all
out there tonight at MSG.
And I'd tell you
to get your tickets now,
but everyone knows the show
sold out in record time.
So if you want to bear witness,
you better find a scalper, stat.
You know, I realized you're right.
I don't know what it's like
being a young person with friends.
I have one friend, and she's 70.
Funny.
I've been living with Deborah
over the past few years,
so the show would be about that
two women from different generations
who live together and become friends.
OK, go on.
I have a ton of episode ideas already.
Like, imagine you're trying
to hook up with someone,
but your roommate is in
the next room on speakerphone
'cause she literally doesn't
know how to turn it off.
[LAUGHING] Oh, my God, I can see that.
They butt heads a ton on politics
and etiquette and fashion, but
at the end of the day,
they help each other
see the world differently, and
they both become better people for it.
Ava, I love this.
I love this.
It's based off of real
experiences you've had,
clear character games, but still IP.
Can you do me a favor?
Can you please write a one-pager?
I already did it.
I'll send it right now.
Amazing.
Well, turns out, we're only doing
one comedy pilot this year,
so a lot of people have to weigh in.
But I'm going to do my
very best to push it through.
Stay tuned.
Great. [CHUCKLES]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
- She's here.
- Oh, oh, oh!
Hi, my Little Debbies.
How are we?
Well, not great.
None of us could get tickets.
We were trying to find
scalpers to buy some,
but we couldn't find any.
None of you?
No. They sold out too fast.
That's terrible.
Damien, you know,
we gotta help them out.
- On it.
- Don't forget.
I'm live streaming the whole show
- on Deborah Plus.
- [EXCITED CHATTER]
Love you. Love you guys.
Oh. [LAUGHS AND SQUEALS]
♪
Oh, and I talked
to the video playback guy,
so we're all set there.
Fabulous dabulous.
♪
I am addicted to carrots. Yum.
The job at "Late Night"
wasn't all it was cracked up to be.
It's not that much fun to do something
no woman has done before,
except George Michael.
- That was fun.
- It's great.
Now, I know it's crazy to go back now,
but is Ricky Martin funnier?
Well, it depends.
Have you had sex with Ricky Martin?
Wow.
She bangs, indeed.
You are overthinking, OK?
Don't change a thing.
The hay's in the barn, doll.
OK, OK, OK, OK, OK.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So MSG just flagged that
they've opened the doors,
but they're not seeing the
foot traffic they normally do.
That's what felt off.
I don't hear a crowd.
- Mm.
- Well, what is going on?
I mean, is there
a subway strike or something?
I don't think so.
It looks like there's no issue
with the subways
or transportation or anything.
Yeah, there's no protest.
You know, I can't prove it,
but I know that Joy Behar
is behind this.
She has come from me for
the last time, I swear to God.
- [SIGHS]
- Come on.
OK, I think we should spread out.
[SOMBER MUSIC]
[FOOTSTEPS ECHOING]
♪
Excuse me.
Have you seen anyone?
♪
Deborah, can you come with me?
♪
[CLAPPING]
Looks like I'm in trouble
if you're doing crowd work tonight.
Hi, Deb.
You made it really easy
for me to buy this show out
when you made
your ticket prices so low.
I appreciate that.
Why?
Because I want you to stop.
For months, your heroic exit
was the first thing
I heard about every single day.
It was a fucking nightmare for me.
I got questions about it
in every interview,
almost lost my board's trust.
I had to reduce my bonus package.
And things have finally quieted down.
So the last thing I need is you
bringing it all back up again.
So, what?
You think you can just
silence me forever?
I'm gonna try.
I have an NDA,
and I want you to sign it.
- [SCOFFS]
- You'll get a big payout.
And all you have to do is agree
to never speak publicly
about "Late Night" or me ever again.
If you don't sign, I promise you
I will do whatever I have to do
to make you stop.
I'll keep buying every ticket.
I'll use every possible outlet
to make you seem unreliable.
So be smart about this.
Do you really want
to spend your golden years
fighting a losing battle?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
Fuck your NDA,
and fuck you.
[SCREAMS] Bastard!
This is bullshit.
He needs to get a life.
And if I'm telling you
you need to get a life,
you are a fucking loser!
Yeah, no offense.
Siri, google
"how to sink a superyacht."
No AI!
This has gotta be illegal, right?
[STAMMERS]
We gotta call the lawyers,
is what we gotta do.
What is it? What is it?
It's not racketeering,
but it's close to that.
This happens.
Remember that one time
50 Cent bought out
the entire Ja Rule concert
just to fuck with him?
This is insanity.
We need to go to the press
and expose him.
Yes, we need to do a media alert.
We need to do a press conference.
We need to kill him.
We need to Luigi his ass!
OK, stop, stop. Now, listen, listen.
We're gonna do the show,
and we're gonna do it for free.
That way, he can't stop
the ticket sales,
and he can't mess with it,
and anybody
who wants to come can come.
This was the only date that MSG had.
I know that.
I want to do it in Central Park.
Oh, OK.
Yeah. Yes.
I'll call the Parks Department.
We can target the springtime.
We can
No, this weekend.
This weekend. Well
- What about the MSG record?
- Forget that.
I just I just need to do the show.
Yeah, but, Deborah,
you have costume changes.
You have pyrotechnics.
You have a hydraulic lift.
No, no, forget all that.
Just me and a mic.
And I want to do it now.
OK, well, then we'll figure it out.
Right, Jimmy?
Yes. I will start making some calls.
I'll text my camp friends.
They run New York.
OK, there was a show
last night in the park.
Maybe we could use their stage.
Whoa. Let me get this straight.
You want us to put together
a free stand-up show
in Central Park with no prior
planning, no infrastructure?
And you want this to happen
in three days?
- That's right.
- Yeah.
God, I love this business.
It's 90% the most delusional,
lazy people
you ever seen in your life
and 10% the most delusional
workaholics.
And I, for one, am proud and honored
to be part of that latter 10%.
Let's go. Let's fucking go!
Yes, Randi, go on!
Love in your heart ♪
Take a little time for the world ♪
Where there's a will,
there's a way ♪
Come together, don't stray ♪
Just put a little care
in your heart ♪
Look, look, just hear me out.
- Just hear me out.
- I can't do it.
- I'm sorry, miss.
- No, listen, please.
All you have to do is hold
the stage through the weekend.
I'll pay a rental fee.
I'll pay all your overtime.
- Just name your price.
- It's not about the money.
We have to break all this down
and get it out of here by noon.
Excuse me, do you two beautiful boys
know who you're talking to?
That is the queen of comedy!
I don't care if she's
the queen of freaking Sheba.
She's not getting the stage.
We have to pack it up.
- Boss' orders.
- Well, who's your boss?
Where is he? Can I talk to him?
- Boss.
- Well, well, well.
Turns out, the doctor was a woman.
- Oh, my God.
- Weed?
In the flesh, Ava Daniels.
Fall Out Boy
rocked the park last night.
Now we just gotta strike
this whole rig,
get it back up in Topeka
by Tuesday, 0600.
OK, we understand that,
but if you could just push
Push? No, it's
a domino effect, white boy.
This is one of the tightest schedules
I've ever constructed.
They're playing 56 domestic dates
before we hop the pond to Glasgow.
Weed, listen, I know
we've had our differences
in the past, but I was
supposed to play the Garden,
and then I got screwed over.
Please.
I just need to say my piece.
Deb, I'm gonna stop you right there.
Keep this stage up
through the weekend.
Get them to Topeka in, what, 39 hours?
That'd take a miracle.
It's lucky for you, though
[CHUCKLES]
You're looking at a miracle worker.
- So
- When you canned me,
that was a first in my entire career.
I was shell-shocked.
And I am embarrassed
to admit I did relapse.
I went completely dark.
I woke up flat on my back in a bed,
not a chair,
in a motel in Juárez.
My hair was in cornrows.
My eyebrows had been burned off.
And I was holding
an Apple TV remote, but
all the room had was a Roku.
What is that?
I had no memory
of the previous three months.
And then my boy Pete Wentz
called me back in.
We did 14 grueling back-to-back
shows in the South Atlantic.
And then one morning in Omaha,
Pete said to me,
"Weed, oh, God, Weed,
you're better than you've ever been."
And I owe that to you, Deb.
You gotta crash and burn
before you can rise, sister.
I'ma make this work for you.
- You can use our stage.
- Oh.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
- Hands off, bud!
- Sorry!
Bring it in, Deb. Bring it in.
- Oh, Deb.
- Thank you, Weed.
Deb, Deb, Debbie.
There's only one thing
that I can't allow,
and that's a grievance
from the Park Department.
So you're gonna need
to get a permit to perform.
Without it, city's gonna
shut you down anyway.
No problem. We are on it, Ms. Weed.
Go!
Oh!
You don't want to play
the Garden anyway.
Terrible load-out.
- Thanks, Weed.
- Mm-hmm.
Love you, Deb!
Yeah, love you too.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
She loves me.
[LAUGHS]
♪
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Hey.
Hi.
This is pot. Can you believe it?
Yup. Can I come in?
Sure. Come in.
[SIGHS]
You know, after what
Bob Lipka pulled last night,
made me realize pretty much
every stiff in a suit
is a lying, selfish piece of shit.
Men are dogs, Deb.
But not you.
We've been looking for someone to run
the operations at the casino.
So why don't you come work
for me and Marcus at The Diva?
You mean it?
Now, listen, it wouldn't
be like the Palmetto.
This is a small,
independently-owned casino.
You'd have to be on the floor.
You wouldn't be in the C-suite.
Oh, I hate the C-suite.
You know me. I'm a man of the people.
I want to be on the floor,
shaking hands, slapping asses.
Well, you can't do that anymore.
Yeah, OK. Right. I forgot.
Now, I've run this by Marcus,
and he's on board.
He's always liked you
better than I have anyway.
[LAUGHS]
So what do you say?
[GENTLE MUSIC]
I'd love to.
This means the world to me.
♪
Great, great.
All right, I gotta go.
I have to get as many people
as possible into Central Park
- this weekend.
- Whoa, whoa. What's going on?
I'm doing my show there, for free.
What?
So now I just gotta get the word out.
Wow. And you need people.
- Yeah.
- I'll get you people.
I got my guys in Atlantic City,
Mohegan Sun
we bus tourists in all the time.
You give me the word,
and I'll unleash The Marty.
OK, unleash away. [LAUGHS]
Hoo-ah! All right!
We're back, baby.
- Mwah.
- [LAUGHS]
OK, good, good.
All right, now, lay off the lollipops.
We drug test at The Diva.
[LAUGHS]
Thank you, boss!
Will do.
Oh ♪
- I got no right to cry ♪
- No right to cry ♪
You want a permit for this
weekend, in Central Park?
- Yes.
- [CHUCKLES]
It takes 30 days to process
a permit in New York City, OK?
There is nothing that I can do.
Please, look, this isn't
just about a permit, all right?
It's about sticking it to the man.
Yeah, and you could be a part of that.
I mean, screw your boss.
Go above his head.
My boss is a woman,
and we're in a relationship
outside of work.
And I don't feel comfortable
keeping secrets from her.
- That's beautiful.
- We would never ask you
- to do that.
- That's respectable
and honorable. I love that.
- We love gays.
- Listen,
if you've ever had a dream crushed,
- if you've ever been bullied
- Mm-hmm.
Then you know what Deborah Vance
is going through right now.
And we have the chance
to right that wrong,
to let her speak truth to power
and not just for her,
but for all people
who have ever had their voices
quieted by the powers that be.
And if we don't,
well, as Desmond Tutu said,
"In situations of injustice,
if we choose to be neutral,
then we are siding
with the oppressor,"
- something like that.
- Something like that.
- Is that what he said?
- Yeah.
Are you done with your Shondalogue?
Listen, it's not gonna happen.
And if she tries to perform,
she will be escorted outside the park.
Now, please leave.
I have a well-deserved break
I need to take.
- We were trying to be nice.
- Please, just
Like I'm just gonna be
giving them a damn permit.
- Listen to my girl.
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
You could have said something
about her sweater.
Are you listening
to the "I've Xenit All,"
the "Xena" rewatch podcast?
That's a great episode.
What? How you know about that?
They're about to talk
about the pan flute.
You know she played it practically?
This just came out five minutes ago.
Boy, who are you?
Well, I've heard the episode
because I produce the podcast.
I represent Renee O'Connor.
And the podcast was actually our idea.
- His idea. He thought of it.
- No, we're a team.
He's being humble. He's being humble.
Child, I'm obsessed with "Xena."
Obsessed.
I wore the leather armbands
to the prom.
- Yes!
- OK, pop off.
Baby, I even named
my damn daughter Aphrodite.
- Oh, beautiful!
- Aww!
You think she likes that? She don't.
Ah, yes.
Are they really doing
a live show at the Acropolis,
or was that just a joke?
- I couldn't tell.
- I'm not sure.
I could FaceTime Renee right now,
- and you could ask her.
- What? What? Oh, my God, yes.
Actually, you know what?
I'm so busy trying
to get this permit, mm.
No, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait.
Shh, shh, chill.
Hey, hold it, hold it.
Listen
she nosy.
I think I can transfer
the permits to you guys.
- Yes!
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Baby, Xenites unite.
[BOTH ULULATING]
And those northern lights
will be visible
for the next week.
So, Al, maybe we'll get
something of a show.
Weather's looking pretty darn good
[KNOCKING]
Is that Deborah Vance?
Should we let her in?
Sure.
[CROWD CHEERING]
So basically, Deborah,
he Ja Ruled you.
Exactly, exactly.
What 50 Cent did to Ja Rule,
Bob Lipka did to me.
Yeah, men are dogs.
It's despicable.
But I'm reclaiming my time.
And I'm hoping that you, America,
will come out to hear it.
If you are in the tri-state area,
get out to Central Park.
See Deborah Vance, the one and only.
- You like comedy?
- Free shows at the park.
Central Park live.
Deborah Vance live in Central Park.
Here you go. Free comedy show.
You like comedy? New York City.
You guys seriously have to go
see Deborah in Central Park.
She's my best friend ever, ever
and my literal idol.
And if you don't go see her,
you're a loser.
- I agree.
- [LAUGHS]
Free comedy show, guys.
My daughter's best friend and
mentor, Deborah Vance, live.
Come on.
My daughter's best friend. Take this!
You're going to the show!
Deborah Vance, y'all.
So as you know, Deborah and I
- have had our ups and downs.
- [SCOFFS]
But at the end of the day,
she's a really great girl.
And it's not cool
what's been done to her.
- Mm.
- So get out to Central Park
and hear her side of the story
'cause she's funny as hell
and silencing women is never OK.
I love the way that you give ♪
Your heart too freely ♪
[SPEAKING YIDDISH]
She wears a wig too.
She wears a sheitel.
Welcome back.
We have a very special surprise guest.
Deborah Vance is here to promote
her free show in Central Park.
But she was only allowed
off the black list
on one condition.
- Joy.
- Yeah?
I have to apologize.
You would know the difference
between a Margaux and a Merlot
if I smashed it over your head.
And I think that toasting
with a glass of iced tea
is just pure class.
Thank you very much.
And I'm sorry I got you put
on the terrorist watch list.
- That was you?
- Yeah.
[LAUGHS]
Good one.
Thank God I don't have
to hear about this anymore.
♪
SnackWell's snack well
when in a well you snack.
SnackWell's snack well
when in a well you snack.
SnackWell's snack well
[MIC SQUEALS]
Yeah, Rick, I'm getting
a little bit of feedback
on the right.
Boss, boss, boss, boss,
it's the network for you two.
- Hello?
- Hi.
Hey, guys.
So I do have some unfortunate news.
We're not going to be
ordering a script.
Oh, man. [CLEARS THROAT]
That's really sad to hear.
Because we are ordering a pilot.
We are committing to shooting
a pilot for this dang thing.
- Holy shit!
- Oh, my God!
Thank you guys.
There's more to come,
but I just wanted to call
and let you guys know.
- [LAUGHING]
- Hey, Ava, congratulations.
- OK.
- OK. Thank you. Bye.
Oh, my God!
Hey!
- Ava sold her show!
- Oh!
Whoo!
- Oh, my God!
- Yes.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Free comedy.
Deborah Vance on the Great Lawn.
See Deborah Vance?
Right down to the Great Lawn.
Deborah Vance,
best comedian in the world.
Come get your merch right over here.
Shirts, hats
Hey, how's it going? Good to see you.
Try the hat on.
Just don't get spooked if the
laughs don't sound the same.
- Yeah, yeah, you're right.
- We're outdoors.
- Just remember that.
- Deborah, hey.
- So
- No. What? What now?
They've closed the entrance
to the park at 72nd and 5th.
What? Why?
That's the entrance
closest to the Lawn.
People won't be able to get in.
They closed it because
it's already overcrowded.
- Oh.
- There are people
spilling onto the bike path
and the trails.
The Parks Department
doesn't know for sure,
but my girl is estimating
that there are over
30,000 people here right now.
Holy shit.
[GENTLE MUSIC]
They came.
And you know what?
For stand-up in the park,
that's a record.
Now, that's a pretty
good lede to an obituary.
♪
OK, everybody. Everybody, come on.
Gather, quick, quick, quick, quick.
Everybody, everybody,
everybody, come here.
Come here.
I couldn't have done this without you.
I love you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
♪
I love you.
♪
Please welcome to the stage
mi amiga Deborah Vance.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪
How are you feeling tonight,
New York City?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪
First I would like to acknowledge,
this is stolen land.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- Oh, my God.
I didn't even tell her to say that.
Now, if you came to the park
tonight for Deborah Vance,
you're in the right place.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
If you came to the park tonight
for anonymous gay sex,
you're still in the right place.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪
sync & corrections awaqeded
Hold up ♪
Every day, I wake up ♪
Wake your ass up ♪
"The Breakfast Club" ♪
Are y'all finished or y'all done?
Morning, everybody.
It's DJ Envy,
Jess Hilarious, Charlamagne Tha God.
We are "The Breakfast Club."
And we got a special guest
in the building, Deborah Vance.
Hey. What's up, y'all?
And please call me Deborah Tha God.
[LAUGHTER]
OK, so, Deborah, talk to us.
You had this crazy noncompete
for how long?
- 18 months. Yeah.
- Mm.
Year and a half,
I wasn't legally allowed
to perform or speak publicly.
And the one time I did,
I went to jail.
- Damn.
- Damn.
But that expired at midnight.
And I knew that the first place
I wanted to break my silence
was here at "The Breakfast Club"
with my good friend Charlamagne.
Yes, indeed.
Wow, people don't know
y'all go way back.
- Yes, we do.
- No, it's true.
We actually co-own a racehorse.
Her name's Wheat Thin.
Here, I'll show you.
Yeah, she's a sweetheart
terrific spirit, beautiful mane.
Yeah, she's work hard, play hard.
- Go, Wheat Thin, OK.
- Yeah.
That's where Jess get her hair from.
- Don't do me.
- Whoa. Whoa.
But people don't want
to hear about Wheat Thin.
They want to hear about your
sold-out show next Thursday
at Madison Square Garden.
How does that feel?
That's, like, the pinnacle
- for a stand-up comic.
- Yeah, it is.
You know, when I quit "Late Night,"
I kind of took a hit publicly.
And I wasn't sure I could sell it out.
But you didn't just sell out.
You sold out in, like,
10 minutes, right?
Yes, I did. [LAUGHS]
Damn, those tickets moved
faster than Wheat Thin.
[LAUGHTER]
So you got a week left until the show.
What are you doing to prepare?
Uh, it's kind of rigorous, Envy.
I've got a trainer,
a physical therapist,
a choreographer, a vocal coach.
We're just working nonstop to
make sure this is the best 9/11
that New York has ever had.
- Huh?
- We're so happy to see you.
And I'm glad that you came
to stop past us.
My honor. I am a long-time member
- of "The Breakfast Club" Nation.
- OK.
Now, are you really listening
for us or the music?
Both.
My friend Kiki's turned me on
to all the greats.
I've got That Mexican O
on heavy rotation.
OK.
BigXthaPlug, Nine Vicious, 1900Rugrat.
OK.
Hey, can we go out
on a little GloRilla?
- Not Big Glo.
- Yes, Big Glo.
All right, let's play some Glo.
Let's play "Let Her Cook."
Uh, let her cook, whoo ♪
Big Glo comin' through fryin' shit ♪
Let her cook, whoo ♪
All this sauce,
I'm trying shit, hoo ♪
Let me cook ♪
[GABRIELS' "BLAME"]
♪
Mornings turn to night ♪
And then the night becomes the day ♪
I can't keep up with time ♪
The hydraulic lift is bringing me
up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up.
I'm thinking this'll look
way too far upstage.
Can we move this down?
Let's say 3 feet.
Let's try that. Remark it. Thank you.
Not a captive ♪
If it's where I want to be ♪
Ooh, la, la, la, la, la ♪
[GROANING]
Ah.
Ha, ha, ha, hoo, hoo, hoo.
[TRILLING]
♪
Hello, Madison Square Garden.
I'm back from the dead.
And just like Jesus,
I love having 12 gay guys
over for supper.
This lining has to change.
- I just
- We're changing it.
But it needs to change, like, now,
because I have to rehearse in it.
This is the stuff
that's making me nervous.
Thank you, New York.
I'm still Deborah Vance.
Good night.
Can't be a slave
if I'm already free ♪
Can't be a ♪
And then at that point,
I am Jesus on the cross.
And here come
my three wise men, and
[VOCALIZING]
Who's gonna catch me
when I fall down ♪
- [BEEPING]
- [PANTING]
Ah.
Hello, New York!
♪
What's up, New York?
[PANTING]
♪
What's good, New York?
[CLOCK TICKING]
- [GAME CHIMES]
- Nice shot.
Come on, get up there. Phew.
[PHONE BUZZING] That's the way oh.
Ah.
Hey, good-looking.
You ready to rock the Garden?
Almost.
I'm just having trouble sleeping.
And I don't want
to take Ambien this week
'cause I need to stay sharp.
- Sure.
- I just really need my rest.
And there's really
only one other thing
that helps me sleep deeply.
Deborah Vance, is this a booty call?
Oh, don't be tacky.
Just get in your private jet
and get over here.
Wheels up!
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
So for a generation
without economic stability
and so few job prospects,
the small things
become the only things
that we can control.
And the biggest question becomes,
who is making dinner?
- Aw!
- [APPLAUSE]
Well-told.
She is the best, truth teller.
Thank you. Oh, thank you.
Yeah.
Well, listen, in any other situation,
I would say, you know,
give us a beat to discuss.
But since we already have
a deal with you,
I'm just gonna be real.
I don't know why you need
to tell this story.
Yeah, I guess because
I thought of the idea
and brought it on down to you.
- Sure, sure.
- Had to yeah, that's why.
I just kind of feel like a lot
of writers of your generation
could do this show.
Sure, yeah, I guess what makes me feel
best suited to tell this story
- Uh-huh.
- Is that I feel like I can
balance communicating
the crushing weight
of this economic system
with the hard comedy
Right.
And sort of the real characters.
Yeah, with her,
you're gonna get the funny.
And you know they passed
on "Friends" six times
before they made "Friends."
- And then there was "Friends."
- Yeah.
And this is better than that,
depending on casting.
I hear you.
It just it doesn't feel personal.
- OK.
- Listen, we love you.
We are so excited about you.
But this idea specifically,
it's just not sparking joy for me.
Oh, crap.
Ay.
Not this one.
Do you have anything else?
- Um
- She does.
She's got you have so many
ideas that it's honestly
she's like Shakespeare
on crack, but not on crack
'cause she doesn't have a problem.
But if Shakespeare were a woman,
- which maybe she was
- Maybe.
She is like that
crazy amount of ideas,
some of them new, some of them old.
Some of them IP, if you want
that, and some of them not.
- OK.
- So we're gonna regroup.
We're gonna talk about it.
We're gonna figure out
what makes sense for you.
- We're gonna bring it back.
- Yeah.
And it's gonna be good.
I love this. I love this.
This is sparking joy.
Yay.
I'll bring you something else.
Please do.
Sometimes I wonder what I'd do ♪
Without your love, yeah ♪
- Without your love, baby ♪
- [SNORING]
- Somebody help me now ♪
- [CLATTERING]
Ah, damn it.
[CART CLATTERING]
Sorry. Sorry.
- Good morning.
- Morning.
Sleep well?
I did.
[PHONE BUZZING]
Ay-yi-yi.
- I
- No, it's OK. It's OK.
Hey, Tyler.
How you doing?
Uh-huh.
Sure.
Uh
Severance package?
- What?
- Oh, God.
Put out to pasture by
a bunch of dorky computer kids.
I've always hated computers,
by the way.
Oh, they've ruined everything.
Deborah, I think this might be ageism.
Yeah, well, welcome to the club.
I mean, you're 40 years behind,
but we're happy to have you.
I've given 35 years to the Palmetto.
I helped build that fucking place!
I get it.
It's terrible.
[SIGHS]
What the hell am I gonna do now, Deb?
I don't know. I'm sorry.
I hate to say this,
but I gotta go get ready.
I gotta rehearse. Tell you what.
Why don't you stick around
for a few days?
Come and see the show.
You think I wasn't gonna stick around
to see you play the Garden?
Come on.
Course you are. [CHUCKLES]
It's gonna be OK.
Yeah.
It is.
You take it from me.
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
[SIGHS] OK.
♪
When I'm hungry,
my whole personality changes.
They'll be here in five minutes.
I ordered the polenta fritters.
And where the hell is our waitress?
- Honey, calm down.
- God damn it. God
- Shh.
- Oh, wait, there she is.
- There she is.
- Hello.
- Ava.
- Hi.
- This is Jack.
- Hi.
Jack, this is my daughter,
Ava Cecilia.
Confirmation name, not real.
- But nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.
So will Deborah be having
a red carpet experience for her show?
Because Jack and I recently,
we broke the seal
as a public couple
when we were photographed
at the National Windsurfing
Awards dinner.
- [CHUCKLES] Wow.
- Jack's a grandmaster.
- He was ranked fifth nationally.
- Oh!
Yeah, he was dating
another windsurfer.
And I just I stole him.
Took me away.
I just I blew his mind.
[LAUGHS]
- It's wild times.
- Totally.
[BOTH SMOOCHING]
Crazy behavior.
- So hot.
- [LAUGHS]
- It's just unbelievable.
- Would you stop?
Oh, sorry.
So how did your pitch go?
It didn't go well.
It's not looking like
I'm gonna have a show.
What?
Don't they know how brilliant you are?
Oh, come on.
I have an idea for a show
about a windsurfer.
Matthew McConaughey,
he'd be great for it.
That actually sounds really sellable.
- Ooh!
- Really?
Yeah. This is how it happens, honey.
Yeah, no, no, Ava knows people.
She'll get it done.
Who should he email?
[SINGERS VOCALIZING]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
I mean, it sucks.
I had tons of episode ideas,
and I didn't even get to them.
I'm sorry. They're idiots.
[SIGHS] Thank you. Yeah.
I mean, I'll figure
something out, but
Can you pass me the phone?
Your phone or my phone?
The phone.
I want to order room service.
Oh, no, you don't order
room service on the phone.
You scan it with, like,
a QR code on your phone.
So if I want to order room service,
I can't use the phone?
No.
I have to use my phone?
Yeah.
But I can't call anybody?
Right, yeah. No.
You know, it's no wonder you
people are all autistic now.
- You never talk to anyone.
- [LAUGHS]
I need to start wearing
a body cam around you, girl.
Jesus Christ, the stuff
you're freaking saying.
Do not drink that.
What? Why?
No, never pull a beverage
from the minibar.
It is marked up 700%.
I don't want to get ripped off.
No, I'll have Damien go to Duane Reade
and get you one
if you really want one.
[LAUGHING] OK.
So I can't have it?
[SIGHS]
Well, since you don't usually
reach for the sugar-free,
I guess I should reward that.
This time, I'll allow it.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, my God, I I'm gonna
head to my room really quickly.
Are you good here?
Ugh, I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know.
Hey.
You're gonna kill tomorrow.
Thanks.
OK. Good night.
♪
I know.
♪
[MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]
[CHUCKLES]
[EXCITING MUSIC]
Good morning, New York City.
It's hotter than hell out there,
but thankfully,
we've got some sweet relief
from the diva herself, Deborah Vance.
She's finally laying it all
out there tonight at MSG.
And I'd tell you
to get your tickets now,
but everyone knows the show
sold out in record time.
So if you want to bear witness,
you better find a scalper, stat.
You know, I realized you're right.
I don't know what it's like
being a young person with friends.
I have one friend, and she's 70.
Funny.
I've been living with Deborah
over the past few years,
so the show would be about that
two women from different generations
who live together and become friends.
OK, go on.
I have a ton of episode ideas already.
Like, imagine you're trying
to hook up with someone,
but your roommate is in
the next room on speakerphone
'cause she literally doesn't
know how to turn it off.
[LAUGHING] Oh, my God, I can see that.
They butt heads a ton on politics
and etiquette and fashion, but
at the end of the day,
they help each other
see the world differently, and
they both become better people for it.
Ava, I love this.
I love this.
It's based off of real
experiences you've had,
clear character games, but still IP.
Can you do me a favor?
Can you please write a one-pager?
I already did it.
I'll send it right now.
Amazing.
Well, turns out, we're only doing
one comedy pilot this year,
so a lot of people have to weigh in.
But I'm going to do my
very best to push it through.
Stay tuned.
Great. [CHUCKLES]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
- She's here.
- Oh, oh, oh!
Hi, my Little Debbies.
How are we?
Well, not great.
None of us could get tickets.
We were trying to find
scalpers to buy some,
but we couldn't find any.
None of you?
No. They sold out too fast.
That's terrible.
Damien, you know,
we gotta help them out.
- On it.
- Don't forget.
I'm live streaming the whole show
- on Deborah Plus.
- [EXCITED CHATTER]
Love you. Love you guys.
Oh. [LAUGHS AND SQUEALS]
♪
Oh, and I talked
to the video playback guy,
so we're all set there.
Fabulous dabulous.
♪
I am addicted to carrots. Yum.
The job at "Late Night"
wasn't all it was cracked up to be.
It's not that much fun to do something
no woman has done before,
except George Michael.
- That was fun.
- It's great.
Now, I know it's crazy to go back now,
but is Ricky Martin funnier?
Well, it depends.
Have you had sex with Ricky Martin?
Wow.
She bangs, indeed.
You are overthinking, OK?
Don't change a thing.
The hay's in the barn, doll.
OK, OK, OK, OK, OK.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So MSG just flagged that
they've opened the doors,
but they're not seeing the
foot traffic they normally do.
That's what felt off.
I don't hear a crowd.
- Mm.
- Well, what is going on?
I mean, is there
a subway strike or something?
I don't think so.
It looks like there's no issue
with the subways
or transportation or anything.
Yeah, there's no protest.
You know, I can't prove it,
but I know that Joy Behar
is behind this.
She has come from me for
the last time, I swear to God.
- [SIGHS]
- Come on.
OK, I think we should spread out.
[SOMBER MUSIC]
[FOOTSTEPS ECHOING]
♪
Excuse me.
Have you seen anyone?
♪
Deborah, can you come with me?
♪
[CLAPPING]
Looks like I'm in trouble
if you're doing crowd work tonight.
Hi, Deb.
You made it really easy
for me to buy this show out
when you made
your ticket prices so low.
I appreciate that.
Why?
Because I want you to stop.
For months, your heroic exit
was the first thing
I heard about every single day.
It was a fucking nightmare for me.
I got questions about it
in every interview,
almost lost my board's trust.
I had to reduce my bonus package.
And things have finally quieted down.
So the last thing I need is you
bringing it all back up again.
So, what?
You think you can just
silence me forever?
I'm gonna try.
I have an NDA,
and I want you to sign it.
- [SCOFFS]
- You'll get a big payout.
And all you have to do is agree
to never speak publicly
about "Late Night" or me ever again.
If you don't sign, I promise you
I will do whatever I have to do
to make you stop.
I'll keep buying every ticket.
I'll use every possible outlet
to make you seem unreliable.
So be smart about this.
Do you really want
to spend your golden years
fighting a losing battle?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
Fuck your NDA,
and fuck you.
[SCREAMS] Bastard!
This is bullshit.
He needs to get a life.
And if I'm telling you
you need to get a life,
you are a fucking loser!
Yeah, no offense.
Siri, google
"how to sink a superyacht."
No AI!
This has gotta be illegal, right?
[STAMMERS]
We gotta call the lawyers,
is what we gotta do.
What is it? What is it?
It's not racketeering,
but it's close to that.
This happens.
Remember that one time
50 Cent bought out
the entire Ja Rule concert
just to fuck with him?
This is insanity.
We need to go to the press
and expose him.
Yes, we need to do a media alert.
We need to do a press conference.
We need to kill him.
We need to Luigi his ass!
OK, stop, stop. Now, listen, listen.
We're gonna do the show,
and we're gonna do it for free.
That way, he can't stop
the ticket sales,
and he can't mess with it,
and anybody
who wants to come can come.
This was the only date that MSG had.
I know that.
I want to do it in Central Park.
Oh, OK.
Yeah. Yes.
I'll call the Parks Department.
We can target the springtime.
We can
No, this weekend.
This weekend. Well
- What about the MSG record?
- Forget that.
I just I just need to do the show.
Yeah, but, Deborah,
you have costume changes.
You have pyrotechnics.
You have a hydraulic lift.
No, no, forget all that.
Just me and a mic.
And I want to do it now.
OK, well, then we'll figure it out.
Right, Jimmy?
Yes. I will start making some calls.
I'll text my camp friends.
They run New York.
OK, there was a show
last night in the park.
Maybe we could use their stage.
Whoa. Let me get this straight.
You want us to put together
a free stand-up show
in Central Park with no prior
planning, no infrastructure?
And you want this to happen
in three days?
- That's right.
- Yeah.
God, I love this business.
It's 90% the most delusional,
lazy people
you ever seen in your life
and 10% the most delusional
workaholics.
And I, for one, am proud and honored
to be part of that latter 10%.
Let's go. Let's fucking go!
Yes, Randi, go on!
Love in your heart ♪
Take a little time for the world ♪
Where there's a will,
there's a way ♪
Come together, don't stray ♪
Just put a little care
in your heart ♪
Look, look, just hear me out.
- Just hear me out.
- I can't do it.
- I'm sorry, miss.
- No, listen, please.
All you have to do is hold
the stage through the weekend.
I'll pay a rental fee.
I'll pay all your overtime.
- Just name your price.
- It's not about the money.
We have to break all this down
and get it out of here by noon.
Excuse me, do you two beautiful boys
know who you're talking to?
That is the queen of comedy!
I don't care if she's
the queen of freaking Sheba.
She's not getting the stage.
We have to pack it up.
- Boss' orders.
- Well, who's your boss?
Where is he? Can I talk to him?
- Boss.
- Well, well, well.
Turns out, the doctor was a woman.
- Oh, my God.
- Weed?
In the flesh, Ava Daniels.
Fall Out Boy
rocked the park last night.
Now we just gotta strike
this whole rig,
get it back up in Topeka
by Tuesday, 0600.
OK, we understand that,
but if you could just push
Push? No, it's
a domino effect, white boy.
This is one of the tightest schedules
I've ever constructed.
They're playing 56 domestic dates
before we hop the pond to Glasgow.
Weed, listen, I know
we've had our differences
in the past, but I was
supposed to play the Garden,
and then I got screwed over.
Please.
I just need to say my piece.
Deb, I'm gonna stop you right there.
Keep this stage up
through the weekend.
Get them to Topeka in, what, 39 hours?
That'd take a miracle.
It's lucky for you, though
[CHUCKLES]
You're looking at a miracle worker.
- So
- When you canned me,
that was a first in my entire career.
I was shell-shocked.
And I am embarrassed
to admit I did relapse.
I went completely dark.
I woke up flat on my back in a bed,
not a chair,
in a motel in Juárez.
My hair was in cornrows.
My eyebrows had been burned off.
And I was holding
an Apple TV remote, but
all the room had was a Roku.
What is that?
I had no memory
of the previous three months.
And then my boy Pete Wentz
called me back in.
We did 14 grueling back-to-back
shows in the South Atlantic.
And then one morning in Omaha,
Pete said to me,
"Weed, oh, God, Weed,
you're better than you've ever been."
And I owe that to you, Deb.
You gotta crash and burn
before you can rise, sister.
I'ma make this work for you.
- You can use our stage.
- Oh.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
- Hands off, bud!
- Sorry!
Bring it in, Deb. Bring it in.
- Oh, Deb.
- Thank you, Weed.
Deb, Deb, Debbie.
There's only one thing
that I can't allow,
and that's a grievance
from the Park Department.
So you're gonna need
to get a permit to perform.
Without it, city's gonna
shut you down anyway.
No problem. We are on it, Ms. Weed.
Go!
Oh!
You don't want to play
the Garden anyway.
Terrible load-out.
- Thanks, Weed.
- Mm-hmm.
Love you, Deb!
Yeah, love you too.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
She loves me.
[LAUGHS]
♪
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Hey.
Hi.
This is pot. Can you believe it?
Yup. Can I come in?
Sure. Come in.
[SIGHS]
You know, after what
Bob Lipka pulled last night,
made me realize pretty much
every stiff in a suit
is a lying, selfish piece of shit.
Men are dogs, Deb.
But not you.
We've been looking for someone to run
the operations at the casino.
So why don't you come work
for me and Marcus at The Diva?
You mean it?
Now, listen, it wouldn't
be like the Palmetto.
This is a small,
independently-owned casino.
You'd have to be on the floor.
You wouldn't be in the C-suite.
Oh, I hate the C-suite.
You know me. I'm a man of the people.
I want to be on the floor,
shaking hands, slapping asses.
Well, you can't do that anymore.
Yeah, OK. Right. I forgot.
Now, I've run this by Marcus,
and he's on board.
He's always liked you
better than I have anyway.
[LAUGHS]
So what do you say?
[GENTLE MUSIC]
I'd love to.
This means the world to me.
♪
Great, great.
All right, I gotta go.
I have to get as many people
as possible into Central Park
- this weekend.
- Whoa, whoa. What's going on?
I'm doing my show there, for free.
What?
So now I just gotta get the word out.
Wow. And you need people.
- Yeah.
- I'll get you people.
I got my guys in Atlantic City,
Mohegan Sun
we bus tourists in all the time.
You give me the word,
and I'll unleash The Marty.
OK, unleash away. [LAUGHS]
Hoo-ah! All right!
We're back, baby.
- Mwah.
- [LAUGHS]
OK, good, good.
All right, now, lay off the lollipops.
We drug test at The Diva.
[LAUGHS]
Thank you, boss!
Will do.
Oh ♪
- I got no right to cry ♪
- No right to cry ♪
You want a permit for this
weekend, in Central Park?
- Yes.
- [CHUCKLES]
It takes 30 days to process
a permit in New York City, OK?
There is nothing that I can do.
Please, look, this isn't
just about a permit, all right?
It's about sticking it to the man.
Yeah, and you could be a part of that.
I mean, screw your boss.
Go above his head.
My boss is a woman,
and we're in a relationship
outside of work.
And I don't feel comfortable
keeping secrets from her.
- That's beautiful.
- We would never ask you
- to do that.
- That's respectable
and honorable. I love that.
- We love gays.
- Listen,
if you've ever had a dream crushed,
- if you've ever been bullied
- Mm-hmm.
Then you know what Deborah Vance
is going through right now.
And we have the chance
to right that wrong,
to let her speak truth to power
and not just for her,
but for all people
who have ever had their voices
quieted by the powers that be.
And if we don't,
well, as Desmond Tutu said,
"In situations of injustice,
if we choose to be neutral,
then we are siding
with the oppressor,"
- something like that.
- Something like that.
- Is that what he said?
- Yeah.
Are you done with your Shondalogue?
Listen, it's not gonna happen.
And if she tries to perform,
she will be escorted outside the park.
Now, please leave.
I have a well-deserved break
I need to take.
- We were trying to be nice.
- Please, just
Like I'm just gonna be
giving them a damn permit.
- Listen to my girl.
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
You could have said something
about her sweater.
Are you listening
to the "I've Xenit All,"
the "Xena" rewatch podcast?
That's a great episode.
What? How you know about that?
They're about to talk
about the pan flute.
You know she played it practically?
This just came out five minutes ago.
Boy, who are you?
Well, I've heard the episode
because I produce the podcast.
I represent Renee O'Connor.
And the podcast was actually our idea.
- His idea. He thought of it.
- No, we're a team.
He's being humble. He's being humble.
Child, I'm obsessed with "Xena."
Obsessed.
I wore the leather armbands
to the prom.
- Yes!
- OK, pop off.
Baby, I even named
my damn daughter Aphrodite.
- Oh, beautiful!
- Aww!
You think she likes that? She don't.
Ah, yes.
Are they really doing
a live show at the Acropolis,
or was that just a joke?
- I couldn't tell.
- I'm not sure.
I could FaceTime Renee right now,
- and you could ask her.
- What? What? Oh, my God, yes.
Actually, you know what?
I'm so busy trying
to get this permit, mm.
No, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait.
Shh, shh, chill.
Hey, hold it, hold it.
Listen
she nosy.
I think I can transfer
the permits to you guys.
- Yes!
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Baby, Xenites unite.
[BOTH ULULATING]
And those northern lights
will be visible
for the next week.
So, Al, maybe we'll get
something of a show.
Weather's looking pretty darn good
[KNOCKING]
Is that Deborah Vance?
Should we let her in?
Sure.
[CROWD CHEERING]
So basically, Deborah,
he Ja Ruled you.
Exactly, exactly.
What 50 Cent did to Ja Rule,
Bob Lipka did to me.
Yeah, men are dogs.
It's despicable.
But I'm reclaiming my time.
And I'm hoping that you, America,
will come out to hear it.
If you are in the tri-state area,
get out to Central Park.
See Deborah Vance, the one and only.
- You like comedy?
- Free shows at the park.
Central Park live.
Deborah Vance live in Central Park.
Here you go. Free comedy show.
You like comedy? New York City.
You guys seriously have to go
see Deborah in Central Park.
She's my best friend ever, ever
and my literal idol.
And if you don't go see her,
you're a loser.
- I agree.
- [LAUGHS]
Free comedy show, guys.
My daughter's best friend and
mentor, Deborah Vance, live.
Come on.
My daughter's best friend. Take this!
You're going to the show!
Deborah Vance, y'all.
So as you know, Deborah and I
- have had our ups and downs.
- [SCOFFS]
But at the end of the day,
she's a really great girl.
And it's not cool
what's been done to her.
- Mm.
- So get out to Central Park
and hear her side of the story
'cause she's funny as hell
and silencing women is never OK.
I love the way that you give ♪
Your heart too freely ♪
[SPEAKING YIDDISH]
She wears a wig too.
She wears a sheitel.
Welcome back.
We have a very special surprise guest.
Deborah Vance is here to promote
her free show in Central Park.
But she was only allowed
off the black list
on one condition.
- Joy.
- Yeah?
I have to apologize.
You would know the difference
between a Margaux and a Merlot
if I smashed it over your head.
And I think that toasting
with a glass of iced tea
is just pure class.
Thank you very much.
And I'm sorry I got you put
on the terrorist watch list.
- That was you?
- Yeah.
[LAUGHS]
Good one.
Thank God I don't have
to hear about this anymore.
♪
SnackWell's snack well
when in a well you snack.
SnackWell's snack well
when in a well you snack.
SnackWell's snack well
[MIC SQUEALS]
Yeah, Rick, I'm getting
a little bit of feedback
on the right.
Boss, boss, boss, boss,
it's the network for you two.
- Hello?
- Hi.
Hey, guys.
So I do have some unfortunate news.
We're not going to be
ordering a script.
Oh, man. [CLEARS THROAT]
That's really sad to hear.
Because we are ordering a pilot.
We are committing to shooting
a pilot for this dang thing.
- Holy shit!
- Oh, my God!
Thank you guys.
There's more to come,
but I just wanted to call
and let you guys know.
- [LAUGHING]
- Hey, Ava, congratulations.
- OK.
- OK. Thank you. Bye.
Oh, my God!
Hey!
- Ava sold her show!
- Oh!
Whoo!
- Oh, my God!
- Yes.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Free comedy.
Deborah Vance on the Great Lawn.
See Deborah Vance?
Right down to the Great Lawn.
Deborah Vance,
best comedian in the world.
Come get your merch right over here.
Shirts, hats
Hey, how's it going? Good to see you.
Try the hat on.
Just don't get spooked if the
laughs don't sound the same.
- Yeah, yeah, you're right.
- We're outdoors.
- Just remember that.
- Deborah, hey.
- So
- No. What? What now?
They've closed the entrance
to the park at 72nd and 5th.
What? Why?
That's the entrance
closest to the Lawn.
People won't be able to get in.
They closed it because
it's already overcrowded.
- Oh.
- There are people
spilling onto the bike path
and the trails.
The Parks Department
doesn't know for sure,
but my girl is estimating
that there are over
30,000 people here right now.
Holy shit.
[GENTLE MUSIC]
They came.
And you know what?
For stand-up in the park,
that's a record.
Now, that's a pretty
good lede to an obituary.
♪
OK, everybody. Everybody, come on.
Gather, quick, quick, quick, quick.
Everybody, everybody,
everybody, come here.
Come here.
I couldn't have done this without you.
I love you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
♪
I love you.
♪
Please welcome to the stage
mi amiga Deborah Vance.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪
How are you feeling tonight,
New York City?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪
First I would like to acknowledge,
this is stolen land.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- Oh, my God.
I didn't even tell her to say that.
Now, if you came to the park
tonight for Deborah Vance,
you're in the right place.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
If you came to the park tonight
for anonymous gay sex,
you're still in the right place.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪
sync & corrections awaqeded