Hacks (2021) s05e10 Episode Script
Happy Days Are Here Again
1
OK, so we'll do it
a couple times scripted,
and then you guys can
run through those alts
and we'll also give you a take
to just kind of improvise
and have fun.
OK, thank you so much.
Thanks, Charlie. Thanks, Money.
[SOFT UPBEAT MUSIC]
Hey.
Do you like this plunger for tomorrow?
Oh, I think maybe a wooden handle.
- Let me see what I can do.
- Thank you so much.
♪
Christine, 1:15.
Do you want her in the ash blonde wig
or the sunset blonde?
Ash is her around-the-house wig.
- Let's do sunset.
- Copy you.
Thank you.
I love this jacket.
I need the grip merch.
Yeah.
No running on set.
Thank you. It looks great in there.
- Slides?
- Oh, thank you so much.
How's this?
Oh, my God, that was fast.
Perfect. Thank you.
Do you want to rehearse?
Let's just shoot the rehearsal.
OK.
Rosie, we're shooting rehearsal.
All right, copy that.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to day one of
"Who's Making Dinner?"
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Do you want to call it?
Sure, yeah.
- Sound speeds.
- [BELL RINGS]
And
action.
Lady luck, she is lovely ♪
[RICHARD SWIFT'S "LADY LUCK"]
Lady luck, she is free ♪
But I wish sometimes ♪
OK, here we go.
- Close your eyes. Close them.
- All right, all right.
All right, they're closed,
they're closed, they're closed.
Straight.
- You got it?
- Yeah.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
OK, if you don't like
the placement, it can move.
All right.
And the brightness can be adjusted.
OK, OK. Just show me, show me.
Here it is.
Oh.
I know we decided to call it
the Kitten Heel Club,
but this just felt more right.
We can change it, though.
No, no.
It's perfect.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
You did it.
You talented bastards. [LAUGHTER]
I am honored to be your employee.
Though I do need June off.
I'm going to do the Mille Miglia.
It's an amateur
classic car race in Italy.
Amazing.
- BOTH: No.
- No no?
No problem.
I'll just drive fast here.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Happy grand opening.
And congrats on the new gig.
Thanks, babe.
OK, technically, right now,
my title is Pit Boss,
but I'm thinking of having it
officially changed to Pit Mama.
- Oh.
- Right?
'Cause that just feels
so much more me.
- Mm.
- I get that.
I gave myself a title bump
from House Manager
to Lifestyle Concierge.
- Ooh.
- Deborah didn't blink an eye.
Pretty big pay bump, too.
Yeah, she took it out of my salary.
[LAUGHTER]
So without further ado,
please welcome the diva herself,
- Deborah Vance.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
That's my mom!
That's my mom.
- Whoo!
- Thank you.
Thank you for being here.
First of all, I want to say
none of us would
be standing here right now
if it wasn't for the genius,
Marcus Vaughn.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
This entire thing is his brainchild
and never would've happened
without him.
And quite frankly,
a lot of things in my life
would not have happened without him.
Thank you, Marcus.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- That's my baby!
Uh, that's my baby.
Oh, whatever.
You know, a few months ago,
a young, international rock star,
who was obsessed with me
gave me credit for bringing
residencies to Las Vegas.
He said the city needed me.
The truth is I needed Las Vegas.
I was told I was too loud.
Too tacky, too much.
But this town embraced me
when no other place would.
There's nowhere else in the world
that feels quite like Las Vegas.
And for me,
there's nowhere else in
the world that feels like home.
And that is why we created the Diva.
This is a place to be
who you really are
without shame because
this city does that better
than any other place on the planet.
So welcome to the Diva.
Let's have a great night.
[JAZZ BAND PLAYING]
♪
Hello, hello.
Now we're going to officially
christen this place.
No, no. No one asked you to do that.
They don't have to.
I'm the goddamn mayor.
There we go!
[GROANS] Oh, God dang it.
Yeah, I'm bleeding out here.
Goddamn it.
I've hit an artery again.
Oh, that's too much blood.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, God.
[GAGS] It's pulsing and squirting.
[GROANS]
Get away from me!
Get away from me.
Thank you, everybody.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
Sucks that we don't
get to go on the retreat.
I know.
But honestly, I've been before
and it's, like, not that big a thing.
You know, it's a lot
of free food and fancy drinks
and sometimes,
they bring in exotic dancers.
But you're allowed
to go back to your room
if you don't feel comfortable.
Fuck.
Hmm. This one's for me.
Holy shit. Anthrax.
Anthrax in the building.
[LAUGHTER]
Someone call Homeland Security.
Are you serious, guys?
What is wrong with you?
Mm, yum. Pixie stick dust?
It's almost as sweet as your mom's
Don't talk about my mom.
Oh, whoa, hey. So stressed.
You know what you need?
A little R&R at the retreat.
No, Dan, it's Jimmy can't come.
The retreat's
no little bitches allowed.
Oh, I'm sorry, Jimmy.
Don't worry about it
because I am very happy not to go.
I can finally enjoy a sandwich
and put it in the fridge
without someone texting me
a picture my sandwich
with their balls on it.
[LAUGHTER] So fuck off.
Just fuck off.
[AIR HISSING]
[SOFT SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
[UPBEAT FUNKY MUSIC]
♪
Ooh, Carbone! Martini lunch.
So excited. [LAUGHS]
Well, you can order whatever you like.
OK, Dover sole it is.
OK, so I have amazing news.
I heard from the network.
They have, like,
no notes on the pilot.
- They loved it.
- Fantastic.
Except they they do want
the women to smile more,
but we can do that.
Congratulations.
[LAUGHS] Thank you.
So when did they decide on a pickup?
Uh, they have, like three months.
Oh, great.
'Cause I want us
to take that trip to Europe
sooner rather than later.
Um
I mean, if you want to have
any authority as a boss,
you have to have eaten real bread.
Perfect. I'm wide open.
You OK?
Mm-hmm, yeah.
There is something I want
to talk to you about.
OK.
The mass that I had removed,
uh, it looks like
they didn't get it all.
And unfortunately, it's spread.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, I probably shouldn't have
doubled up all those years on the
Deborah Vance
progesterone drink packets.
That Tahitian grapefruit flavor
was divine.
OK, so what's the treatment plan?
Well, they want
to start treatment immediately.
[SIGHS] OK, great.
Well, I'll call Ronnie.
Let's head over there right now.
I'm not hungry anymore anyway,
so forget lunch.
You're not gonna like this next part.
Um, didn't love the last part.
Honey, I'm not doing chemo.
I'm not putting myself through that.
I get that, but don't
don't worry, you know?
Uh, you won't be alone.
I'll go with you to the appointments
and I'll help you with medicine.
You know, I'll
I'll do whatever you need.
I'm not putting you through that.
OK, so what are you saying?
You know I like to do things
on my own terms.
OK.
I've done it all.
I just did the best show of my life.
I broke a record.
That's why you had
to do it that weekend.
Yes.
It's not gonna get
any better than this.
I want to go out on top.
OK, so, well, yeah,
it's a high for your career,
but
[SIGHS] Look, if anyone can
beat anything, it's you, OK?
And you said it yourself.
You're gonna live till you're 109.
I'm not.
And I want to call my own light.
At the end of the trip,
I plan on taking the train
from Paris to Zurich.
There's a place there called Dignitas.
[SIGHS] Is that one of those
assisted suicide places?
Oh, not one of. It's the best one.
But yes.
Listen, Deborah, um
I'm sure this is really,
really, overwhelming.
And I'm so sorry that
you're going through this,
but I think you're not
thinking straight, OK?
This is crazy.
Actually, it's not.
Comedians have a long, rich history
of taking our own lives.
That's your whole thing
is beating the odds.
This is so not you.
It is.
And I want you to come with me.
We'll have a fabulous vacation first.
Then you can go shopping.
You can use my suitcase
on the way home.
- Stop. That's not funny.
- Oh, you
you joke about killing yourself
all the time.
I'm kidding.
Oh, suddenly,
you're sensitive about it?
You can walk the walk, but you can't
- swallow the pills?
- Jesus Christ.
You can tie the noose,
but not kick the chair?
- Stop.
- Sorry.
[SIGHS]
But I do want you to come with me.
Will you?
No.
No, I'm not gonna be a part of this.
And you're not doing this.
Ava. Ava, lower your voice.
Oh, my God.
You brought me here
so that I wouldn't scream
at you, didn't you?
You know, I knew something was up when
you said you wanted to go on vacation,
but I didn't realize this was
a fucking suicide mission.
No. I'm not going.
Ava.
- No.
- Ava
No.
[SOFT SOMBER MUSIC]
[SIGHS]
She won't even consider treatment.
OK? She's being insane.
I can't get through to her.
I-I-I want power of attorney, OK?
Is that what Britney's dad had?
I-is that what it's called?
- Uh, I don't know, but
- No, no, no.
There's something wrong
with her brain.
I-I need a tranq gun.
I need to shoot her in the neck
with a tranq gun
and get her into chemo
before she wakes up.
Jimmy, how you can facilitate?
OK, just take a breath.
[TAKES SHARP BREATH]
Listen, this is awful.
But it's Deborah.
You're not gonna change her mind.
And you're not gonna shoot her
in the neck with a tranq gun.
OK, well, can you talk to her, please?
I already have.
What do you mean, you have?
[SIGHS]
I talked to her and I tried to,
but I couldn't convince her.
This is what she wants to do.
It sucks, but I think
we have to respect it.
I can't believe you knew.
Why didn't you tell me?
She asked me to get her
affairs in order, so I did.
And she asked you to go with her.
So I think if you can, you should.
And try and make it a good trip.
A good trip?
How could a suicide-themed
vacation be good?
She's gonna die.
We're all gonna die.
The whole point is
to try and enjoy the time
we have together.
She's not dead yet
and neither are you.
What if what if I just
chloroform her on the plane
and re-route it to Johns Hopkins?
She basically did the same
thing to me in Singapore,
so there's a precedent.
Look [SIGHS]
Ava, it's
it's her body, her choice.
How dare you turn that around on me!
I'm sorry.
But I think if you go, at least
she won't be facing this alone.
[SPARSE SOMBER MUSIC]
♪
[SOBS SOFTLY]
I
I don't think I can.
♪
Yeah.
I-I understand that too.
♪
I have to go.
[SIGHS]
[SOFT SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
Hello?
Anybody here?
♪
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
♪
Ah.
Oh.
[PHONE LINE TRILLING]
♪
- What's up?
- Hey.
We need to talk.
All passengers
for flight 2217 to Paris,
please report to the gate.
♪
Ms. Vance, we're ready to board.
Thank you.
♪
I'll come to Europe.
But please don't kill yourself.
I'm gonna kill myself.
OK, I'll still come.
Should I give you two a second?
No, we're ready.
But you have to do hard drugs with me.
Probably molly.
OK, sweetie.
We can do an eight-ball if
if that'll make you feel better.
[VERONIQUE SANSON'S
"CHANSON SUR MA DROLE DE VIE"]
[SINGING IN FRENCH]
♪
- Excusez-moi.
- Bonjour.
Um, where are the rental car desks?
- Straight down on your left.
- Ah.
We're renting a car in Paris?
Oh, someone's become a snob.
Yes, we're renting a car in Paris.
Someone needs to learn
how to drive a stick.
No, no, no. No, no, no, no.
Deb Deborah, I no.
[SCREAMING AND GEARS GRINDING]
No, you're doing great.
OK, OK! Depress! Depress!
[OVERLAPPING SHOUTING]
Why are you trying to teach me French
when you're trying to teach me a car?
[SCREAMS]
What?
Why did you bring me
to the biggest roundabout
in the city, Deborah?
- [LAUGHING]
- It's not funny!
Just keep turning.
[SCREAMS]
You wanna kill yourself. I wanna live!
- [LAUGHING]
- Help! Help! Help!
Exit here.
Why am I in the rough draft of a car?
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
[CRUNCH]
♪
[SINGING IN FRENCH]
[SIGHS]
I told you.
God. OK, you're right.
I never have had real bread until now.
You're welcome. [CHUCKLES]
That is so crazy. I literally
Don't talk with food in your mouth.
- Sorry.
- [BREAD CRUNCHES]
♪
[LAUGHTER]
♪
This one's for your face.
The other box is for your neck.
Different cream for face and neck?
What are you gonna do without me?
OK, and this third thing,
you're gonna have to squeeze
that into a toothpaste tube
before you get on the plane,
'cause it's illegal in the States.
Ah, Vincent.
"Starry, Starry Night."
Van Gogh is toxic.
Cutting your ear off
and sending it to someone
is so anti-consent,
I cannot even imagine it.
It's like, she said no.
She said no. You're sending ear?
He was not well.
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
Can we please go on that, please?
It's my dying wish.
- You're dying and it's my wish.
- Oh, my God.
Come on!
[CHEERING AND LAUGHTER]
- Whoo!
- Ah!
Whoo!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
♪
[LAUGHS]
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
♪
Oh, I'm awake. Sorry.
[CLEARS THROAT AND SIGHS]
Anyway, yeah.
I am in the club, oh ♪
I'm in the club
till the sun come up ♪
What we're doing here
is considered work?
Yeah.
Fantastic.
[MUFFLED DANCE MUSIC]
♪
Michael, we need to talk to you.
Man, I'm about to
deliver the keynote address
to the entire company.
- What?
- We know you've been
selling the voice and likeness
of deceased clients
to AI companies
without the family's consent
and keeping the money.
- Me?
- Yeah.
I ran into Gene Altman's widow
at the pickleball club
and it tipped me off
and I started digging.
Jimmy tracked down over $10 million
that you billed and kept for yourself.
Not only were you stealing
from the clients' families,
you were stealing from Latitude!
Clerical error.
Oh, OK.
Well, I'll just call the board.
I'm sure they'll understand.
Put it on speaker, Jimmy.
I want to hear 'em.
All right, stop.
Don't touch his phone. It's new.
How much do you want?
No money.
We want the one thing
that means something
the Schaefer name.
Remember? You said that the other day.
- We want Latitude.
- [SCOFFS]
Step down and hand over the reins
to the children of the founders.
You're fired.
You see, now you are
a disgruntled former employee
with a chip on his shoulder
and no proof.
Who you probably shouldn't
have put in the mail room
because it gave me a lot
of access to invoices
and way too much access
to the entire
billing department, really.
What do you want your legacy to be,
a disgraced manager who can't
even show his face in Mr. Chow
for fear of seeing an angry widow,
or an all-time great who
retired when his career peaked?
So you can either accept our terms
or we will be going public
with your stinky behavior.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
You want the company?
Yeah.
Well, fuck it. It's yours.
Take it.
Yeah, I mean, the whole industry's
going in the shitter anyway.
I mean, that's why
I had to do all of this.
- You have three homes.
- Yeah.
And you know what the monthly
carry is on all that shit?
Then unload one, you greedy fucker.
You know what?
I am so sick of listening
to your socialist bullshit.
You're on in ten minutes,
Mr. Schaefer.
Oh, great.
You think if I sign
a little piece of paper
that it's suddenly gonna
make you the big boss?
You think those people
are gonna respect you?
Well, they don't. They never have.
They never will. Ten minutes, huh?
- These two are gonna speak.
- Wait.
Well, we don't need to speak, actually.
We can email them.
No, no, no, no, no. No, no.
If you buy the horns,
you get the bull.
Sir, I only have one other headset.
Doesn't matter.
They barely have one functioning brain
between the two of them.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Thank you, thank you. Thank you.
I might as well get right to it.
This year's keynote will be,
um, a bit different.
It's going to be shocking
to some of you, but
I'm stepping down.
- [ALL MURMURING]
- What?
The time is right and, um,
the, uh the future of this company
will be in the hands of my successors.
You all know them well.
My spirited daughter, Kayla Schaefer,
and her unrelenting business partner,
Jimmy LuSaque, Jr.
So
- [ALL MURMURING]
- The fuck?
I'm sure that
you will be in great hands
with these two kids at the helm
in our constricting industry.
Good luck.
Hello, Latitude. How we doing tonight?
New era loading.
[PERSON COUGHS]
Is this a fucking joke?
Seriously?
How the fuck are we gonna survive
with these two idiots in charge?
By [CLEARS THROAT]
By doing good work.
- Gay.
- Oh, my God.
Fuck this. We're going to Mosaic.
OK.
- Oh, it's stuck on my sideburn.
- You know what?
Anybody else who thinks
doing good work is "gay"
can just leave.
- [BOTH SCOFF]
- Seriously?
Jesus Christ.
OK, come on.
Well, get the fuck out of here!
Go suck my dad's dick!
- We don't need employees, OK?
- We we do, we do.
And you know what? Michael's right.
This industry is constricting, OK?
Our business is changing
faster than a
Cougar.
Sure, our our
our business is changing
faster than a cougar.
And we need to change, too.
You know, we probably can't have
Sugarfish for lunch anymore.
[GROANING] Really?
It's just sushi. Guys
We can have Sugarfish Fridays.
No, we can't have Sugarfish Fridays.
We could have Sugarfish Tuesdays.
It's not about the day of the week.
It's about not having Sugarfish.
- It's so expensive.
- We will get a
Whole Foods platter of sushi
once a month.
Fine, we're gonna get
a Whole Foods platter.
Once a month, guys.
And if that makes you want
to leave, you can go.
But you should stay
if you want to get back
to doing the thing
that got you into this business
in the first place
representing artists and
helping them to do great work.
Because even in
an ever-changing world,
there's one thing that won't change,
and that's people
wanting great stories.
But guess what?
We get to find those
storytellers and empower them.
So if that sounds good to you,
then you should stay
and be a part of the new
mid-sized Latitude.
Yes, yes.
[FLOWING PIANO MUSIC]
Yeah.
Yes.
- OK.
- Whoo!
OK.
♪
I'm gonna crowd-surf.
No, no, no, no, no.
Don't don't crowd-surf.
- No, don't crowd-surf.
- They want me to.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
This flea market is my
favorite place in the world.
We'll do one big circuit and
then we'll circle back around
to look at things of interest.
But just stay cool, you know?
Don't show too much enthusiasm
for anything.
Not to worry.
I'm not really an antiques guy.
These are not merely antiques.
These are all works of art.
I mean, every object has a story
and not even you on your most cynical,
lowest serotonin morning
can resist their magic.
OK, feel like I'm about to
meet the teapot
from "Beauty and the Beast."
[LAUGHS]
- Oh, God, these are fabulous.
- [GASPS]
Look, look. Are those not fabulous?
- That is so you.
- Yeah, but
no, but I don't have pierced
ears, I can't wear this.
What do you mean
you don't have pierced ears?
You know I don't have
I have virgin earlobes.
- Piercing your ears is barbaric.
- [LAUGHS]
Oh, that's cool.
Oh, that's beautiful.
It's a bridal box, I think.
Ask how much it is.
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
Oh.
Ah.
- [SPEAKING FRENCH]
- [SPEAKING FRENCH]
1,600.
Oh, wow.
Offer half.
What? No, that's insulting.
No, it's not.
No, you've just got an opening offer.
An opening offer is never final.
This is standard.
It's part of the fun.
OK, just stay calm and unemotional.
Offer him half.
[SPEAKS FRENCH]
And be prepared to spit.
Uh [SPEAKS FRENCH]
Oh, no, no, no.
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
No, no. sorry. I I can't do it.
No, it's it's too much.
- [SPEAKS FRENCH]
- We we can't do it.
- It's too much.
- Thank you so much.
Sorry, sorry.
So sorry.
Now just wait.
OK, OK, OK.
1,000.
It's a deal.
All right.
- Ooh.
- [SPEAKS FRENCH]
[SOFT UPBEAT MUSIC]
[GASPS]
Meissen salt and pepper shakers.
Oh, yeah. See?
The crossed swords on the bottom,
- that's their signature.
- [CHUCKLES]
And these are probably 18th-century.
They are 400 for the pair.
Oh, that that's actually
a very good price.
You should get them.
Not today.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
[PEACEFUL MUSIC]
♪
[CHUCKLING] This is insane.
I cannot believe
you bought out the Louvre.
Private viewing was the only option.
I'm dying soon.
And I'll tell you one thing
I'm not doing,
waiting in line.
Though perhaps waiting in line
is the most human experience of all,
and that's the most important.
You know, here's some advice.
After I'm gone,
stop saying stuff like that.
Will consider.
[WHISTLES] Hello, nurse.
Look at them thangs.
- Honk, honk.
- Oh, Jesus.
Sorry.
[FLOWING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC]
♪
Fabulous.
♪
Why'd this pop?
I'm sorry?
She's kind of mid, no?
The "Mona Lisa" is mid?
No disrespect.
I mean, it's way better
than I could do.
I'm just saying I don't totally get
how she became, like, that girl.
You know?
I defy you to find
anything more beguiling
anywhere else in Paris.
Lady, what beguiles me
would make you sick.
♪
Oh, I'd wear that.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Going out top right there.
Jester, me.
Oh! She has rosacea.
- So does she.
- Oh, please.
That's what I look like.
No question about it.
Oh, my God. OK, I love this.
When two busted people are in love,
it's extra romantic
'cause you know it's real.
She loves her freaky-ass man
for who he is.
[CHUCKLES]
This was painted by Judith Leyster.
- She signed it there, JL.
- Oh, yeah.
But it was attributed to Frans Hals.
But she went along with it
'cause she knew that
it would only be judged on its merit
if people thought
it were painted by a man.
Hmm.
♪
Do you ever think
about how your comedy
would have been judged differently
if you weren't a woman?
Sure. Sometimes.
But I still did it, you know?
I had the career.
Even if I had to be a female comedian.
Yeah.
[SIGHS] OK.
Should we head to the hotel
for some disco naps?
Why do we need a nap?
'Cause we're going out
dancing tonight, Miss Thang.
- Remember?
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, and, uh, I get to dress you.
- What?
- Yeah.
- That wasn't part of the deal!
- It is now.
No, no.
[UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC]
♪
Here we go again, my love ♪
You've got so much time to spend ♪
You want me to stay awhile,
stay awhile ♪
To be in a moment with you ♪
I was just thinking about
work the dancefloor ♪
♪
I was just thinking about
work the dancefloor ♪
♪
Finally, my heart slipped ♪
Finally, I found something new ♪
What if the moment didn't stick? ♪
Would I be spending
all my time with you? ♪
No ♪
I was just thinking about
work the dancefloor ♪
Moments with you ♪
I was just thinking about
work the dancefloor ♪
Moments ♪
These moments with you ♪
I was just thinking about
work the dancefloor ♪
[ENGINES CHUGGING]
[DISTANT SIRENS WAILING]
Now this is pretty beguiling.
Yeah.
Right there is where Marie Antoinette
got her head chopped off.
Cool.
That's gotta hurt.
Definitely.
Well, time for me to go to sleep.
Goodnight.
[GENTLE PIANO MUSIC]
♪
[SIGHS]
Hmm, you're up early.
Yeah, I didn't sleep. You know
Kelly Ripa's day is done
and yours hasn't started,
you're in trouble.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
What's all that?
Oh, you know,
I didn't think a hotel this luxurious
that caters to generational wealth
would even have a business center
for the toiling proletariat,
but it's actually quite nice
and the printer's fast.
Cool.
So, um, I've been doing research
and there have been
a lot of advancements
in the last two years alone
in treatment.
Ava, I told you, I'm not doing that.
Yeah, well, there there are, um,
some interesting clinical trials
on some new experimental drugs
that I can
Oh, my God, clinical trials.
So they can find more
off-label benefits for men.
I don't want to be a guinea pig
where I waste away and then
my doctors come to find
that the meds help 90-year-olds
keep their erections.
Absolutely not.
OK, well, uh, you know,
traditional treatment is
- You know, I
- Is
For someone who's
always saying listen to women,
you're having a hard time hearing me.
I'm not doing treatment.
That was your opening offer.
The opening offer's never final.
- Mm.
- How 'bout this?
You do three rounds of treatment,
see how you feel,
see how it progresses,
and then if the results
aren't positive, you can stop?
No.
OK.
One round of treatment.
Just to see how you feel.
That's the thing.
I feel good right now.
I feel fine.
I I I I don't feel sick
and I don't want to.
It's the medicine
that makes you feel sick.
Well, yeah, but it's not
the same for everybody.
And and don't
don't knock it till you try it.
[SCOFFS]
It's not some exotic food
or some new sex position.
I don't want to get weak.
I I I don't want
to lose my hair.
You wear a wig already.
They sell it at Halloween stores.
I don't want to waste away.
I don't want to be
remembered like that.
You won't be remembered like that.
I won't remember you like that.
My
my friend, Gino, from
"Who's Making Dinner?"
He was so funny.
So full of life.
Guess what?
I don't remember him like that.
I can't get the image of him
being sick out of my head.
That's different.
Even with traditional intervention,
the survival rate is 40%.
You are a fighter!
If anyone can beat this, it's you!
I'm tired of fighting.
This is what I want.
[SOBS] Of course it is.
Everything's about you!
You know,
there are a lot of people that
you should be thinking about
right now besides yourself!
Ava, honey. Please don't do this.
No, you! Please!
[SOBS] Please. Please, don't leave me.
Pl please.
[WHISPERING] I'm sorry.
[SOMBER MUSIC]
♪
[CHURCH BELL CHIMES]
[TOBIAS JESSO JR.'S "TRUE LOVE"]
♪
He's uptight ♪
He don't own nothing new ♪
Well, he ain't cheap ♪
He just can't afford to ♪
♪
But she don't mind ♪
He's her everything ♪
Anything for you ♪
♪
Every day, just trying to get by ♪
♪
No time to cry,
no, he can't afford to ♪
♪
And she waits ♪
Through everything ♪
Anything for you ♪
That's what you call true love ♪
True love, true love, true love ♪
♪
That's what you call ♪
True love, true love,
true love, true love ♪
[SPEAKS FRENCH]
- Merci.
- [SPEAKS FRENCH]
♪
♪
[BIRDS SINGING]
[SIGHS] I hate this.
But I'll support you.
Thank you.
How am I gonna do it without you?
You'll be OK.
You're a big, brave girl.
Oh [CLEARS THROAT]
Speaking of big, uh,
I have to show you something.
[CLEARS THROAT]
- What?
- [CLEARS THROAT]
What?
Your hand your hands
are bigger than mine?
- Mm-hmm.
- Are you are you kidding me?
This entire time?
[LAUGHING] Are you kidding me?
Deborah!
I can't believe you never noticed!
What?
That's
they're much bigger than mine.
- They are much bigger.
- [LAUGHS]
God damn it.
I considered hand reduction surgery.
[LAUGHING] That was a good one!
I knew they were normal.
[PEACEFUL UPBEAT MUSIC]
Hey, how are you?
Hi, Michelle. Hey.
Good to see you. [CHUCKLES]
[SIGHS] Good morning, Mr. LuSaque.
Uh, we turned over
your office this weekend,
so let me know if there's
anything else you need.
Thank you, Silas.
And please call me Jimmy.
OK.
And you can call me Ms. Schaefer.
Where's my office?
Uh, you'll be taking over your dad's.
Follow me, Ms. Schaefer.
Oh, Randy, uh, this is your desk.
Fantastic.
[PEACEFUL MUSIC]
♪
[SIGHS]
♪
Jimmy!
Jimmy, help!
What what's going on? Are you OK?
I really shouldn't be in there.
The corner office is so small.
I can't even breathe.
I think there's asbestos
or something in there.
I'm, like, itchy and it's
really, like, claustrophobic.
It's the largest office
in the building.
It's just not gonna work.
Plus, for our workflow,
I need to be able to see you
and you need to be able to see me,
so I'll take my old desk.
I think you might be right.
I think you should take your old desk.
Well, where the hell am I gonna go?
You can have the corner office.
That's what I'm talking
about, the corner office!
My God, I've been in
this business two years.
Didn't know my ass from
my elbow, and look at me now.
Corner office, baby.
I don't know what
everybody complains about,
it's so hard to make it.
It's a cinch to make it
in this business.
Bunch of losers.
Well, well, she's happy.
- Mm.
- You're my assistant now.
[PHONE RINGS]
Latitude, Kayla Schaefer,
President speaking.
Could I, um, put you on hold?
Bob Lipka is on the phone for you.
Um, OK.
You have Jimmy.
- Hey, Jimmy. It's Bob.
- Hello, Bob.
Listen, I saw your
Fatty Arbuckle movie at Toronto
and I loved it.
We'd like to talk about distribution.
Uh, sure.
Yeah, I can definitely
take that to the team.
Oh, and your mom was
fantastic in it, by the way.
Oh, thank you. Wasn't she great?
Yeah. So I'll have my BA
send something over.
OK, great.
Well, I guess we'll talk soon.
- Very soon!
- Kayla!
What? Still kind of mad at him.
[SOFT UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
So, um
what are you gonna ask if you get to,
you know, meet your maker?
My plastic surgeon?
Ha. No, really.
In 1980, Burt Reynolds called
me and I called him back,
but he never returned.
- What was that about?
- [LAUGHS]
That's what you wanna know?
I pretty much have
everything else figured out.
In fact, I think He or She,
or, you know, They/Them
might have some questions
for me, actually.
They/them?
OK, non-binary God. Love.
Well, I meant more of an energy.
I I don't think there's gonna be
a gender-fluid barista waiting
for me at the pearly gates.
That's too bad.
I'd love a matcha when I get there.
[LAUGHTER]
Hey, are you done with that?
- Yeah, yeah, go for it.
- Ooh. [CHUCKLES]
Wow.
That's the best part of dying
for a person with disordered eating
is having a second croissant.
Actually, the best part of dying
is not having to save receipts
because you know you will
never get audited again.
[LAUGHS]
Actually, I think
the best part of dying
is knowing how pissed people
are gonna be when they realize
how much money you left your dogs.
[LAUGHTER]
But the worst part of dying
is that I don't get to see
how my corgis decide
to spend that 550,000.
[LAUGHTER]
[BOTH SIGH]
OK, I'm gonna run to the
bathroom before we board.
- OK.
- OK, I'll be right back.
[CHUCKLING] OK.
[STIRRING AMBIENT MUSIC]
♪
Hey.
The line for our train's really crazy.
We gotta get going. Come on.
♪
Excusez-moi. Excusez-moi.
Ava! Ava, wait.
Excusez-moi. I'm sorry.
Ava. Excusez-moi.
Ava, stop. Stop, stop.
Stop, stop, stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop.
What? What?
The worst part about dying
is I can't even enjoy being bone thin.
That's the better joke!
Yeah, that is the better joke.
Shit.
- What?
- God.
Deborah, we gotta go. What?
I may not have 30 years.
But I think I have another hour.
[SOFT MUSIC]
What are you saying?
God damn it.
♪
Will you help me write it?
♪
- Forget your troubles ♪
- Of course.
Happy days ♪
Come on, get happy ♪
Are here again ♪
We're going to chase ♪
All our cares away ♪
Stars above are clear ♪
Shout hallelujah ♪
So let's sing ♪
Yeah, so she talked to Dr. Cole
and she's gonna start treatment
on the 21st.
[SIGHS]
Ugh, I'm so relieved.
I know. Me, too.
You know,
I think you saved her life once, so
makes sense you'd do it again.
♪
Love you. Gotta go. Bye.
OK.
- You ready?
- Yeah.
Or maybe it's, I was born for this.
I don't eat,
I have a closet full of wigs,
- and I love being waited on.
- [LAUGHS]
Or or, I don't eat,
I have a closet full of wigs,
and I love experimenting
with injectables.
[LAUGHS] Good.
Or, or, or, or, I don't eat,
I have a closet full of wigs,
and I love attention.
- Oh, better, better, better.
- [LAUGHS]
Soon your cares will all be gone ♪
There'll be no more ♪
From now on ♪
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Just get happy ♪
Are here again ♪
You better chase ♪
The skies above are clear ♪
Shout hallelujah ♪
So let's sing a song ♪
And just get happy ♪
Are here again ♪
Happy times ♪
Happy nights ♪
Happy days ♪
Are here ♪
Again ♪
[BIG BAND MUSIC]
♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
sync & corrections awaqeded
OK, so we'll do it
a couple times scripted,
and then you guys can
run through those alts
and we'll also give you a take
to just kind of improvise
and have fun.
OK, thank you so much.
Thanks, Charlie. Thanks, Money.
[SOFT UPBEAT MUSIC]
Hey.
Do you like this plunger for tomorrow?
Oh, I think maybe a wooden handle.
- Let me see what I can do.
- Thank you so much.
♪
Christine, 1:15.
Do you want her in the ash blonde wig
or the sunset blonde?
Ash is her around-the-house wig.
- Let's do sunset.
- Copy you.
Thank you.
I love this jacket.
I need the grip merch.
Yeah.
No running on set.
Thank you. It looks great in there.
- Slides?
- Oh, thank you so much.
How's this?
Oh, my God, that was fast.
Perfect. Thank you.
Do you want to rehearse?
Let's just shoot the rehearsal.
OK.
Rosie, we're shooting rehearsal.
All right, copy that.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to day one of
"Who's Making Dinner?"
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Do you want to call it?
Sure, yeah.
- Sound speeds.
- [BELL RINGS]
And
action.
Lady luck, she is lovely ♪
[RICHARD SWIFT'S "LADY LUCK"]
Lady luck, she is free ♪
But I wish sometimes ♪
OK, here we go.
- Close your eyes. Close them.
- All right, all right.
All right, they're closed,
they're closed, they're closed.
Straight.
- You got it?
- Yeah.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
OK, if you don't like
the placement, it can move.
All right.
And the brightness can be adjusted.
OK, OK. Just show me, show me.
Here it is.
Oh.
I know we decided to call it
the Kitten Heel Club,
but this just felt more right.
We can change it, though.
No, no.
It's perfect.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
You did it.
You talented bastards. [LAUGHTER]
I am honored to be your employee.
Though I do need June off.
I'm going to do the Mille Miglia.
It's an amateur
classic car race in Italy.
Amazing.
- BOTH: No.
- No no?
No problem.
I'll just drive fast here.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Happy grand opening.
And congrats on the new gig.
Thanks, babe.
OK, technically, right now,
my title is Pit Boss,
but I'm thinking of having it
officially changed to Pit Mama.
- Oh.
- Right?
'Cause that just feels
so much more me.
- Mm.
- I get that.
I gave myself a title bump
from House Manager
to Lifestyle Concierge.
- Ooh.
- Deborah didn't blink an eye.
Pretty big pay bump, too.
Yeah, she took it out of my salary.
[LAUGHTER]
So without further ado,
please welcome the diva herself,
- Deborah Vance.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
That's my mom!
That's my mom.
- Whoo!
- Thank you.
Thank you for being here.
First of all, I want to say
none of us would
be standing here right now
if it wasn't for the genius,
Marcus Vaughn.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
This entire thing is his brainchild
and never would've happened
without him.
And quite frankly,
a lot of things in my life
would not have happened without him.
Thank you, Marcus.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- That's my baby!
Uh, that's my baby.
Oh, whatever.
You know, a few months ago,
a young, international rock star,
who was obsessed with me
gave me credit for bringing
residencies to Las Vegas.
He said the city needed me.
The truth is I needed Las Vegas.
I was told I was too loud.
Too tacky, too much.
But this town embraced me
when no other place would.
There's nowhere else in the world
that feels quite like Las Vegas.
And for me,
there's nowhere else in
the world that feels like home.
And that is why we created the Diva.
This is a place to be
who you really are
without shame because
this city does that better
than any other place on the planet.
So welcome to the Diva.
Let's have a great night.
[JAZZ BAND PLAYING]
♪
Hello, hello.
Now we're going to officially
christen this place.
No, no. No one asked you to do that.
They don't have to.
I'm the goddamn mayor.
There we go!
[GROANS] Oh, God dang it.
Yeah, I'm bleeding out here.
Goddamn it.
I've hit an artery again.
Oh, that's too much blood.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, God.
[GAGS] It's pulsing and squirting.
[GROANS]
Get away from me!
Get away from me.
Thank you, everybody.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
Sucks that we don't
get to go on the retreat.
I know.
But honestly, I've been before
and it's, like, not that big a thing.
You know, it's a lot
of free food and fancy drinks
and sometimes,
they bring in exotic dancers.
But you're allowed
to go back to your room
if you don't feel comfortable.
Fuck.
Hmm. This one's for me.
Holy shit. Anthrax.
Anthrax in the building.
[LAUGHTER]
Someone call Homeland Security.
Are you serious, guys?
What is wrong with you?
Mm, yum. Pixie stick dust?
It's almost as sweet as your mom's
Don't talk about my mom.
Oh, whoa, hey. So stressed.
You know what you need?
A little R&R at the retreat.
No, Dan, it's Jimmy can't come.
The retreat's
no little bitches allowed.
Oh, I'm sorry, Jimmy.
Don't worry about it
because I am very happy not to go.
I can finally enjoy a sandwich
and put it in the fridge
without someone texting me
a picture my sandwich
with their balls on it.
[LAUGHTER] So fuck off.
Just fuck off.
[AIR HISSING]
[SOFT SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
[UPBEAT FUNKY MUSIC]
♪
Ooh, Carbone! Martini lunch.
So excited. [LAUGHS]
Well, you can order whatever you like.
OK, Dover sole it is.
OK, so I have amazing news.
I heard from the network.
They have, like,
no notes on the pilot.
- They loved it.
- Fantastic.
Except they they do want
the women to smile more,
but we can do that.
Congratulations.
[LAUGHS] Thank you.
So when did they decide on a pickup?
Uh, they have, like three months.
Oh, great.
'Cause I want us
to take that trip to Europe
sooner rather than later.
Um
I mean, if you want to have
any authority as a boss,
you have to have eaten real bread.
Perfect. I'm wide open.
You OK?
Mm-hmm, yeah.
There is something I want
to talk to you about.
OK.
The mass that I had removed,
uh, it looks like
they didn't get it all.
And unfortunately, it's spread.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, I probably shouldn't have
doubled up all those years on the
Deborah Vance
progesterone drink packets.
That Tahitian grapefruit flavor
was divine.
OK, so what's the treatment plan?
Well, they want
to start treatment immediately.
[SIGHS] OK, great.
Well, I'll call Ronnie.
Let's head over there right now.
I'm not hungry anymore anyway,
so forget lunch.
You're not gonna like this next part.
Um, didn't love the last part.
Honey, I'm not doing chemo.
I'm not putting myself through that.
I get that, but don't
don't worry, you know?
Uh, you won't be alone.
I'll go with you to the appointments
and I'll help you with medicine.
You know, I'll
I'll do whatever you need.
I'm not putting you through that.
OK, so what are you saying?
You know I like to do things
on my own terms.
OK.
I've done it all.
I just did the best show of my life.
I broke a record.
That's why you had
to do it that weekend.
Yes.
It's not gonna get
any better than this.
I want to go out on top.
OK, so, well, yeah,
it's a high for your career,
but
[SIGHS] Look, if anyone can
beat anything, it's you, OK?
And you said it yourself.
You're gonna live till you're 109.
I'm not.
And I want to call my own light.
At the end of the trip,
I plan on taking the train
from Paris to Zurich.
There's a place there called Dignitas.
[SIGHS] Is that one of those
assisted suicide places?
Oh, not one of. It's the best one.
But yes.
Listen, Deborah, um
I'm sure this is really,
really, overwhelming.
And I'm so sorry that
you're going through this,
but I think you're not
thinking straight, OK?
This is crazy.
Actually, it's not.
Comedians have a long, rich history
of taking our own lives.
That's your whole thing
is beating the odds.
This is so not you.
It is.
And I want you to come with me.
We'll have a fabulous vacation first.
Then you can go shopping.
You can use my suitcase
on the way home.
- Stop. That's not funny.
- Oh, you
you joke about killing yourself
all the time.
I'm kidding.
Oh, suddenly,
you're sensitive about it?
You can walk the walk, but you can't
- swallow the pills?
- Jesus Christ.
You can tie the noose,
but not kick the chair?
- Stop.
- Sorry.
[SIGHS]
But I do want you to come with me.
Will you?
No.
No, I'm not gonna be a part of this.
And you're not doing this.
Ava. Ava, lower your voice.
Oh, my God.
You brought me here
so that I wouldn't scream
at you, didn't you?
You know, I knew something was up when
you said you wanted to go on vacation,
but I didn't realize this was
a fucking suicide mission.
No. I'm not going.
Ava.
- No.
- Ava
No.
[SOFT SOMBER MUSIC]
[SIGHS]
She won't even consider treatment.
OK? She's being insane.
I can't get through to her.
I-I-I want power of attorney, OK?
Is that what Britney's dad had?
I-is that what it's called?
- Uh, I don't know, but
- No, no, no.
There's something wrong
with her brain.
I-I need a tranq gun.
I need to shoot her in the neck
with a tranq gun
and get her into chemo
before she wakes up.
Jimmy, how you can facilitate?
OK, just take a breath.
[TAKES SHARP BREATH]
Listen, this is awful.
But it's Deborah.
You're not gonna change her mind.
And you're not gonna shoot her
in the neck with a tranq gun.
OK, well, can you talk to her, please?
I already have.
What do you mean, you have?
[SIGHS]
I talked to her and I tried to,
but I couldn't convince her.
This is what she wants to do.
It sucks, but I think
we have to respect it.
I can't believe you knew.
Why didn't you tell me?
She asked me to get her
affairs in order, so I did.
And she asked you to go with her.
So I think if you can, you should.
And try and make it a good trip.
A good trip?
How could a suicide-themed
vacation be good?
She's gonna die.
We're all gonna die.
The whole point is
to try and enjoy the time
we have together.
She's not dead yet
and neither are you.
What if what if I just
chloroform her on the plane
and re-route it to Johns Hopkins?
She basically did the same
thing to me in Singapore,
so there's a precedent.
Look [SIGHS]
Ava, it's
it's her body, her choice.
How dare you turn that around on me!
I'm sorry.
But I think if you go, at least
she won't be facing this alone.
[SPARSE SOMBER MUSIC]
♪
[SOBS SOFTLY]
I
I don't think I can.
♪
Yeah.
I-I understand that too.
♪
I have to go.
[SIGHS]
[SOFT SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
Hello?
Anybody here?
♪
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
♪
Ah.
Oh.
[PHONE LINE TRILLING]
♪
- What's up?
- Hey.
We need to talk.
All passengers
for flight 2217 to Paris,
please report to the gate.
♪
Ms. Vance, we're ready to board.
Thank you.
♪
I'll come to Europe.
But please don't kill yourself.
I'm gonna kill myself.
OK, I'll still come.
Should I give you two a second?
No, we're ready.
But you have to do hard drugs with me.
Probably molly.
OK, sweetie.
We can do an eight-ball if
if that'll make you feel better.
[VERONIQUE SANSON'S
"CHANSON SUR MA DROLE DE VIE"]
[SINGING IN FRENCH]
♪
- Excusez-moi.
- Bonjour.
Um, where are the rental car desks?
- Straight down on your left.
- Ah.
We're renting a car in Paris?
Oh, someone's become a snob.
Yes, we're renting a car in Paris.
Someone needs to learn
how to drive a stick.
No, no, no. No, no, no, no.
Deb Deborah, I no.
[SCREAMING AND GEARS GRINDING]
No, you're doing great.
OK, OK! Depress! Depress!
[OVERLAPPING SHOUTING]
Why are you trying to teach me French
when you're trying to teach me a car?
[SCREAMS]
What?
Why did you bring me
to the biggest roundabout
in the city, Deborah?
- [LAUGHING]
- It's not funny!
Just keep turning.
[SCREAMS]
You wanna kill yourself. I wanna live!
- [LAUGHING]
- Help! Help! Help!
Exit here.
Why am I in the rough draft of a car?
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
[CRUNCH]
♪
[SINGING IN FRENCH]
[SIGHS]
I told you.
God. OK, you're right.
I never have had real bread until now.
You're welcome. [CHUCKLES]
That is so crazy. I literally
Don't talk with food in your mouth.
- Sorry.
- [BREAD CRUNCHES]
♪
[LAUGHTER]
♪
This one's for your face.
The other box is for your neck.
Different cream for face and neck?
What are you gonna do without me?
OK, and this third thing,
you're gonna have to squeeze
that into a toothpaste tube
before you get on the plane,
'cause it's illegal in the States.
Ah, Vincent.
"Starry, Starry Night."
Van Gogh is toxic.
Cutting your ear off
and sending it to someone
is so anti-consent,
I cannot even imagine it.
It's like, she said no.
She said no. You're sending ear?
He was not well.
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
Can we please go on that, please?
It's my dying wish.
- You're dying and it's my wish.
- Oh, my God.
Come on!
[CHEERING AND LAUGHTER]
- Whoo!
- Ah!
Whoo!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
♪
[LAUGHS]
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
♪
Oh, I'm awake. Sorry.
[CLEARS THROAT AND SIGHS]
Anyway, yeah.
I am in the club, oh ♪
I'm in the club
till the sun come up ♪
What we're doing here
is considered work?
Yeah.
Fantastic.
[MUFFLED DANCE MUSIC]
♪
Michael, we need to talk to you.
Man, I'm about to
deliver the keynote address
to the entire company.
- What?
- We know you've been
selling the voice and likeness
of deceased clients
to AI companies
without the family's consent
and keeping the money.
- Me?
- Yeah.
I ran into Gene Altman's widow
at the pickleball club
and it tipped me off
and I started digging.
Jimmy tracked down over $10 million
that you billed and kept for yourself.
Not only were you stealing
from the clients' families,
you were stealing from Latitude!
Clerical error.
Oh, OK.
Well, I'll just call the board.
I'm sure they'll understand.
Put it on speaker, Jimmy.
I want to hear 'em.
All right, stop.
Don't touch his phone. It's new.
How much do you want?
No money.
We want the one thing
that means something
the Schaefer name.
Remember? You said that the other day.
- We want Latitude.
- [SCOFFS]
Step down and hand over the reins
to the children of the founders.
You're fired.
You see, now you are
a disgruntled former employee
with a chip on his shoulder
and no proof.
Who you probably shouldn't
have put in the mail room
because it gave me a lot
of access to invoices
and way too much access
to the entire
billing department, really.
What do you want your legacy to be,
a disgraced manager who can't
even show his face in Mr. Chow
for fear of seeing an angry widow,
or an all-time great who
retired when his career peaked?
So you can either accept our terms
or we will be going public
with your stinky behavior.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
You want the company?
Yeah.
Well, fuck it. It's yours.
Take it.
Yeah, I mean, the whole industry's
going in the shitter anyway.
I mean, that's why
I had to do all of this.
- You have three homes.
- Yeah.
And you know what the monthly
carry is on all that shit?
Then unload one, you greedy fucker.
You know what?
I am so sick of listening
to your socialist bullshit.
You're on in ten minutes,
Mr. Schaefer.
Oh, great.
You think if I sign
a little piece of paper
that it's suddenly gonna
make you the big boss?
You think those people
are gonna respect you?
Well, they don't. They never have.
They never will. Ten minutes, huh?
- These two are gonna speak.
- Wait.
Well, we don't need to speak, actually.
We can email them.
No, no, no, no, no. No, no.
If you buy the horns,
you get the bull.
Sir, I only have one other headset.
Doesn't matter.
They barely have one functioning brain
between the two of them.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Thank you, thank you. Thank you.
I might as well get right to it.
This year's keynote will be,
um, a bit different.
It's going to be shocking
to some of you, but
I'm stepping down.
- [ALL MURMURING]
- What?
The time is right and, um,
the, uh the future of this company
will be in the hands of my successors.
You all know them well.
My spirited daughter, Kayla Schaefer,
and her unrelenting business partner,
Jimmy LuSaque, Jr.
So
- [ALL MURMURING]
- The fuck?
I'm sure that
you will be in great hands
with these two kids at the helm
in our constricting industry.
Good luck.
Hello, Latitude. How we doing tonight?
New era loading.
[PERSON COUGHS]
Is this a fucking joke?
Seriously?
How the fuck are we gonna survive
with these two idiots in charge?
By [CLEARS THROAT]
By doing good work.
- Gay.
- Oh, my God.
Fuck this. We're going to Mosaic.
OK.
- Oh, it's stuck on my sideburn.
- You know what?
Anybody else who thinks
doing good work is "gay"
can just leave.
- [BOTH SCOFF]
- Seriously?
Jesus Christ.
OK, come on.
Well, get the fuck out of here!
Go suck my dad's dick!
- We don't need employees, OK?
- We we do, we do.
And you know what? Michael's right.
This industry is constricting, OK?
Our business is changing
faster than a
Cougar.
Sure, our our
our business is changing
faster than a cougar.
And we need to change, too.
You know, we probably can't have
Sugarfish for lunch anymore.
[GROANING] Really?
It's just sushi. Guys
We can have Sugarfish Fridays.
No, we can't have Sugarfish Fridays.
We could have Sugarfish Tuesdays.
It's not about the day of the week.
It's about not having Sugarfish.
- It's so expensive.
- We will get a
Whole Foods platter of sushi
once a month.
Fine, we're gonna get
a Whole Foods platter.
Once a month, guys.
And if that makes you want
to leave, you can go.
But you should stay
if you want to get back
to doing the thing
that got you into this business
in the first place
representing artists and
helping them to do great work.
Because even in
an ever-changing world,
there's one thing that won't change,
and that's people
wanting great stories.
But guess what?
We get to find those
storytellers and empower them.
So if that sounds good to you,
then you should stay
and be a part of the new
mid-sized Latitude.
Yes, yes.
[FLOWING PIANO MUSIC]
Yeah.
Yes.
- OK.
- Whoo!
OK.
♪
I'm gonna crowd-surf.
No, no, no, no, no.
Don't don't crowd-surf.
- No, don't crowd-surf.
- They want me to.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
This flea market is my
favorite place in the world.
We'll do one big circuit and
then we'll circle back around
to look at things of interest.
But just stay cool, you know?
Don't show too much enthusiasm
for anything.
Not to worry.
I'm not really an antiques guy.
These are not merely antiques.
These are all works of art.
I mean, every object has a story
and not even you on your most cynical,
lowest serotonin morning
can resist their magic.
OK, feel like I'm about to
meet the teapot
from "Beauty and the Beast."
[LAUGHS]
- Oh, God, these are fabulous.
- [GASPS]
Look, look. Are those not fabulous?
- That is so you.
- Yeah, but
no, but I don't have pierced
ears, I can't wear this.
What do you mean
you don't have pierced ears?
You know I don't have
I have virgin earlobes.
- Piercing your ears is barbaric.
- [LAUGHS]
Oh, that's cool.
Oh, that's beautiful.
It's a bridal box, I think.
Ask how much it is.
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
Oh.
Ah.
- [SPEAKING FRENCH]
- [SPEAKING FRENCH]
1,600.
Oh, wow.
Offer half.
What? No, that's insulting.
No, it's not.
No, you've just got an opening offer.
An opening offer is never final.
This is standard.
It's part of the fun.
OK, just stay calm and unemotional.
Offer him half.
[SPEAKS FRENCH]
And be prepared to spit.
Uh [SPEAKS FRENCH]
Oh, no, no, no.
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
No, no. sorry. I I can't do it.
No, it's it's too much.
- [SPEAKS FRENCH]
- We we can't do it.
- It's too much.
- Thank you so much.
Sorry, sorry.
So sorry.
Now just wait.
OK, OK, OK.
1,000.
It's a deal.
All right.
- Ooh.
- [SPEAKS FRENCH]
[SOFT UPBEAT MUSIC]
[GASPS]
Meissen salt and pepper shakers.
Oh, yeah. See?
The crossed swords on the bottom,
- that's their signature.
- [CHUCKLES]
And these are probably 18th-century.
They are 400 for the pair.
Oh, that that's actually
a very good price.
You should get them.
Not today.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
[PEACEFUL MUSIC]
♪
[CHUCKLING] This is insane.
I cannot believe
you bought out the Louvre.
Private viewing was the only option.
I'm dying soon.
And I'll tell you one thing
I'm not doing,
waiting in line.
Though perhaps waiting in line
is the most human experience of all,
and that's the most important.
You know, here's some advice.
After I'm gone,
stop saying stuff like that.
Will consider.
[WHISTLES] Hello, nurse.
Look at them thangs.
- Honk, honk.
- Oh, Jesus.
Sorry.
[FLOWING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC]
♪
Fabulous.
♪
Why'd this pop?
I'm sorry?
She's kind of mid, no?
The "Mona Lisa" is mid?
No disrespect.
I mean, it's way better
than I could do.
I'm just saying I don't totally get
how she became, like, that girl.
You know?
I defy you to find
anything more beguiling
anywhere else in Paris.
Lady, what beguiles me
would make you sick.
♪
Oh, I'd wear that.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Going out top right there.
Jester, me.
Oh! She has rosacea.
- So does she.
- Oh, please.
That's what I look like.
No question about it.
Oh, my God. OK, I love this.
When two busted people are in love,
it's extra romantic
'cause you know it's real.
She loves her freaky-ass man
for who he is.
[CHUCKLES]
This was painted by Judith Leyster.
- She signed it there, JL.
- Oh, yeah.
But it was attributed to Frans Hals.
But she went along with it
'cause she knew that
it would only be judged on its merit
if people thought
it were painted by a man.
Hmm.
♪
Do you ever think
about how your comedy
would have been judged differently
if you weren't a woman?
Sure. Sometimes.
But I still did it, you know?
I had the career.
Even if I had to be a female comedian.
Yeah.
[SIGHS] OK.
Should we head to the hotel
for some disco naps?
Why do we need a nap?
'Cause we're going out
dancing tonight, Miss Thang.
- Remember?
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, and, uh, I get to dress you.
- What?
- Yeah.
- That wasn't part of the deal!
- It is now.
No, no.
[UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC]
♪
Here we go again, my love ♪
You've got so much time to spend ♪
You want me to stay awhile,
stay awhile ♪
To be in a moment with you ♪
I was just thinking about
work the dancefloor ♪
♪
I was just thinking about
work the dancefloor ♪
♪
Finally, my heart slipped ♪
Finally, I found something new ♪
What if the moment didn't stick? ♪
Would I be spending
all my time with you? ♪
No ♪
I was just thinking about
work the dancefloor ♪
Moments with you ♪
I was just thinking about
work the dancefloor ♪
Moments ♪
These moments with you ♪
I was just thinking about
work the dancefloor ♪
[ENGINES CHUGGING]
[DISTANT SIRENS WAILING]
Now this is pretty beguiling.
Yeah.
Right there is where Marie Antoinette
got her head chopped off.
Cool.
That's gotta hurt.
Definitely.
Well, time for me to go to sleep.
Goodnight.
[GENTLE PIANO MUSIC]
♪
[SIGHS]
Hmm, you're up early.
Yeah, I didn't sleep. You know
Kelly Ripa's day is done
and yours hasn't started,
you're in trouble.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
What's all that?
Oh, you know,
I didn't think a hotel this luxurious
that caters to generational wealth
would even have a business center
for the toiling proletariat,
but it's actually quite nice
and the printer's fast.
Cool.
So, um, I've been doing research
and there have been
a lot of advancements
in the last two years alone
in treatment.
Ava, I told you, I'm not doing that.
Yeah, well, there there are, um,
some interesting clinical trials
on some new experimental drugs
that I can
Oh, my God, clinical trials.
So they can find more
off-label benefits for men.
I don't want to be a guinea pig
where I waste away and then
my doctors come to find
that the meds help 90-year-olds
keep their erections.
Absolutely not.
OK, well, uh, you know,
traditional treatment is
- You know, I
- Is
For someone who's
always saying listen to women,
you're having a hard time hearing me.
I'm not doing treatment.
That was your opening offer.
The opening offer's never final.
- Mm.
- How 'bout this?
You do three rounds of treatment,
see how you feel,
see how it progresses,
and then if the results
aren't positive, you can stop?
No.
OK.
One round of treatment.
Just to see how you feel.
That's the thing.
I feel good right now.
I feel fine.
I I I I don't feel sick
and I don't want to.
It's the medicine
that makes you feel sick.
Well, yeah, but it's not
the same for everybody.
And and don't
don't knock it till you try it.
[SCOFFS]
It's not some exotic food
or some new sex position.
I don't want to get weak.
I I I don't want
to lose my hair.
You wear a wig already.
They sell it at Halloween stores.
I don't want to waste away.
I don't want to be
remembered like that.
You won't be remembered like that.
I won't remember you like that.
My
my friend, Gino, from
"Who's Making Dinner?"
He was so funny.
So full of life.
Guess what?
I don't remember him like that.
I can't get the image of him
being sick out of my head.
That's different.
Even with traditional intervention,
the survival rate is 40%.
You are a fighter!
If anyone can beat this, it's you!
I'm tired of fighting.
This is what I want.
[SOBS] Of course it is.
Everything's about you!
You know,
there are a lot of people that
you should be thinking about
right now besides yourself!
Ava, honey. Please don't do this.
No, you! Please!
[SOBS] Please. Please, don't leave me.
Pl please.
[WHISPERING] I'm sorry.
[SOMBER MUSIC]
♪
[CHURCH BELL CHIMES]
[TOBIAS JESSO JR.'S "TRUE LOVE"]
♪
He's uptight ♪
He don't own nothing new ♪
Well, he ain't cheap ♪
He just can't afford to ♪
♪
But she don't mind ♪
He's her everything ♪
Anything for you ♪
♪
Every day, just trying to get by ♪
♪
No time to cry,
no, he can't afford to ♪
♪
And she waits ♪
Through everything ♪
Anything for you ♪
That's what you call true love ♪
True love, true love, true love ♪
♪
That's what you call ♪
True love, true love,
true love, true love ♪
[SPEAKS FRENCH]
- Merci.
- [SPEAKS FRENCH]
♪
♪
[BIRDS SINGING]
[SIGHS] I hate this.
But I'll support you.
Thank you.
How am I gonna do it without you?
You'll be OK.
You're a big, brave girl.
Oh [CLEARS THROAT]
Speaking of big, uh,
I have to show you something.
[CLEARS THROAT]
- What?
- [CLEARS THROAT]
What?
Your hand your hands
are bigger than mine?
- Mm-hmm.
- Are you are you kidding me?
This entire time?
[LAUGHING] Are you kidding me?
Deborah!
I can't believe you never noticed!
What?
That's
they're much bigger than mine.
- They are much bigger.
- [LAUGHS]
God damn it.
I considered hand reduction surgery.
[LAUGHING] That was a good one!
I knew they were normal.
[PEACEFUL UPBEAT MUSIC]
Hey, how are you?
Hi, Michelle. Hey.
Good to see you. [CHUCKLES]
[SIGHS] Good morning, Mr. LuSaque.
Uh, we turned over
your office this weekend,
so let me know if there's
anything else you need.
Thank you, Silas.
And please call me Jimmy.
OK.
And you can call me Ms. Schaefer.
Where's my office?
Uh, you'll be taking over your dad's.
Follow me, Ms. Schaefer.
Oh, Randy, uh, this is your desk.
Fantastic.
[PEACEFUL MUSIC]
♪
[SIGHS]
♪
Jimmy!
Jimmy, help!
What what's going on? Are you OK?
I really shouldn't be in there.
The corner office is so small.
I can't even breathe.
I think there's asbestos
or something in there.
I'm, like, itchy and it's
really, like, claustrophobic.
It's the largest office
in the building.
It's just not gonna work.
Plus, for our workflow,
I need to be able to see you
and you need to be able to see me,
so I'll take my old desk.
I think you might be right.
I think you should take your old desk.
Well, where the hell am I gonna go?
You can have the corner office.
That's what I'm talking
about, the corner office!
My God, I've been in
this business two years.
Didn't know my ass from
my elbow, and look at me now.
Corner office, baby.
I don't know what
everybody complains about,
it's so hard to make it.
It's a cinch to make it
in this business.
Bunch of losers.
Well, well, she's happy.
- Mm.
- You're my assistant now.
[PHONE RINGS]
Latitude, Kayla Schaefer,
President speaking.
Could I, um, put you on hold?
Bob Lipka is on the phone for you.
Um, OK.
You have Jimmy.
- Hey, Jimmy. It's Bob.
- Hello, Bob.
Listen, I saw your
Fatty Arbuckle movie at Toronto
and I loved it.
We'd like to talk about distribution.
Uh, sure.
Yeah, I can definitely
take that to the team.
Oh, and your mom was
fantastic in it, by the way.
Oh, thank you. Wasn't she great?
Yeah. So I'll have my BA
send something over.
OK, great.
Well, I guess we'll talk soon.
- Very soon!
- Kayla!
What? Still kind of mad at him.
[SOFT UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
So, um
what are you gonna ask if you get to,
you know, meet your maker?
My plastic surgeon?
Ha. No, really.
In 1980, Burt Reynolds called
me and I called him back,
but he never returned.
- What was that about?
- [LAUGHS]
That's what you wanna know?
I pretty much have
everything else figured out.
In fact, I think He or She,
or, you know, They/Them
might have some questions
for me, actually.
They/them?
OK, non-binary God. Love.
Well, I meant more of an energy.
I I don't think there's gonna be
a gender-fluid barista waiting
for me at the pearly gates.
That's too bad.
I'd love a matcha when I get there.
[LAUGHTER]
Hey, are you done with that?
- Yeah, yeah, go for it.
- Ooh. [CHUCKLES]
Wow.
That's the best part of dying
for a person with disordered eating
is having a second croissant.
Actually, the best part of dying
is not having to save receipts
because you know you will
never get audited again.
[LAUGHS]
Actually, I think
the best part of dying
is knowing how pissed people
are gonna be when they realize
how much money you left your dogs.
[LAUGHTER]
But the worst part of dying
is that I don't get to see
how my corgis decide
to spend that 550,000.
[LAUGHTER]
[BOTH SIGH]
OK, I'm gonna run to the
bathroom before we board.
- OK.
- OK, I'll be right back.
[CHUCKLING] OK.
[STIRRING AMBIENT MUSIC]
♪
Hey.
The line for our train's really crazy.
We gotta get going. Come on.
♪
Excusez-moi. Excusez-moi.
Ava! Ava, wait.
Excusez-moi. I'm sorry.
Ava. Excusez-moi.
Ava, stop. Stop, stop.
Stop, stop, stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop.
What? What?
The worst part about dying
is I can't even enjoy being bone thin.
That's the better joke!
Yeah, that is the better joke.
Shit.
- What?
- God.
Deborah, we gotta go. What?
I may not have 30 years.
But I think I have another hour.
[SOFT MUSIC]
What are you saying?
God damn it.
♪
Will you help me write it?
♪
- Forget your troubles ♪
- Of course.
Happy days ♪
Come on, get happy ♪
Are here again ♪
We're going to chase ♪
All our cares away ♪
Stars above are clear ♪
Shout hallelujah ♪
So let's sing ♪
Yeah, so she talked to Dr. Cole
and she's gonna start treatment
on the 21st.
[SIGHS]
Ugh, I'm so relieved.
I know. Me, too.
You know,
I think you saved her life once, so
makes sense you'd do it again.
♪
Love you. Gotta go. Bye.
OK.
- You ready?
- Yeah.
Or maybe it's, I was born for this.
I don't eat,
I have a closet full of wigs,
- and I love being waited on.
- [LAUGHS]
Or or, I don't eat,
I have a closet full of wigs,
and I love experimenting
with injectables.
[LAUGHS] Good.
Or, or, or, or, I don't eat,
I have a closet full of wigs,
and I love attention.
- Oh, better, better, better.
- [LAUGHS]
Soon your cares will all be gone ♪
There'll be no more ♪
From now on ♪
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Just get happy ♪
Are here again ♪
You better chase ♪
The skies above are clear ♪
Shout hallelujah ♪
So let's sing a song ♪
And just get happy ♪
Are here again ♪
Happy times ♪
Happy nights ♪
Happy days ♪
Are here ♪
Again ♪
[BIG BAND MUSIC]
♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
sync & corrections awaqeded