American Housewife (2016) s05e11 Episode Script

All done.
Perfect!
Now I'm ready for
"Crazy Hair Day" at school.
What about you,
Franklin?
No one messes with
my hair, man.
I was just doing
the 10-year update on our will,
and I discovered my parents
are still the kids' guardians
if anything happens
to us.
Why did we ever
choose them?
Well, that's when we thought
they were good people,
before we discovered that
my dad had a secret family
for the last 40 years.
Oh, man, that was hilarious!
Best Turkey Day ever.
Obviously deeply painful
for you.
Taylor doesn't need a guardian
anymore.
Oliver's almost 18, but we still
need one for Anna-Kat.
So I was thinking that we each
make a list
Unh-unh.
Leave me out of this.
That is your area.
What are you
talking about?
Wills and legal guardians
are your area.
Also, paperwork, telling
the kids when a pet dies,
and doom and gloom.
The world's
an unpredictable place.
That's why people have
insurance.
And 14 cases of baked beans
in the garage.
You laugh,
but when society collapses,
baked beans will be
the currency.
That's why
this is your area.
You wake up
in the middle of the night
worried about dying
in a plane crash.
If I wake up
in the middle of the night,
I turn on the TV and watch
"Indian Matchmaking."
Feels like I have
all the terrible areas.
What are yours?
Hey,
all you real mothers.
Today I am showing my husband
all the sucky things
that fall under my area
as a mother.
First up,
"Refrigerator Smell Police."
Ohh!
Still got another week
in it.
Plus, extra probiotics.
I don't know about
you mommies,
but I have got a whole system
for batteries.
When the TV remote
loses its oomph,
I put fresh batteries in
and shuffle the weak batteries
down the line.
It goes kids' toys,
then junk-drawer flashlight,
then smoke detectors.
So our smoke detectors
aren't working?
Relax, it's a rental.
But your family
isn't a rental.
Oh, if only, right?
Captions by VITAC
AMERICAN HOUSEWIFE
Season 05 Episode 11
Episode Title: "The Guardian"
Aired on: March 03, 2021
Ha. You missed.
This time I won't.
What the hell?
Now I have to change!
Good idea.
Start with your face.
Stop it, both of you!
This is my least favorite
area
Refereeing these two.
He started it!
What have you
everstarted,
besides the slow death of
my brain cells when you talk?
Hey, instead of always
turning on each other,
you are goingto
support each other.
As a matter of fact,
you are going to learn
what it means
to support family
by hanging your father's
campaign signs around town.
Aw, honey, thank you
Because he's running for City
Council for some dumb-ass reason.
A little premature with
my gratitude. That's on me.
How much trouble will we get in
if, like, say,
you found these in a trash can
two blocks away?
Hypothetically
speaking.
Oh, great job, genius.
Now we can't do that.
They don't know that.
I said "hypothetically."
I can't believe you,
Taylor.
Geez, Mom, fine.
We won't put them
in the trash cans.
No, not that.
You actually used the word
"hypothetically" correctly.
Hey, big guy!
Looks like you're really
chewing on something.
Franklin shouldn't
you be with Anna-Kat?
I needed a little break
from the old ball and chain.
You know how it is.
Plus, she's playing cards
with her grandma.
As Peter Frampton once said
to me on a transatlantic flight,
let's see 'em.
Oh, so you have nothing.
I have a flush.
I win.
Well, you told me
to go all-in!
That was
my whole allowance.
You still have Christmas money,
don't you?
Let's play again.
So, what's going on?
I'm just trying to figure out
if something were to happen
to Katie and me,
who would take care of
Luthor.
Life, death,
animal companions.
You're dealing with
all the big ones.
Katie and I have always said
we want Luthor
to go to someone
in the family,
but there aren't a lot of
great candidates.
What about Kathryn?
Would you like
a little treat?
Mm-mm-mmm.
Yeah, just to
take the edge off.
There you go.
Good boy.
I guess it is
just until college.
Luthor's
going to college?
Oh, he's not gonna be
a student or anything.
He's just auditing
some classes.
Oh,
that makes more sense.
God, I love
Second Breakfast.
I know.
You know what's a good follow-up
to waffles?
Waffles!
It's not just about eating.
It's about having people to talk
to who aren't named Greg.
Or Matt.
Or Siri.
I am all alone.
But not for long,
thanks to you
swiping my potential egg donors'
names from the fertility clinic.
Now I have to find out how to
meet them in person
so I can
make my decision.
You need to stalk
their social media.
That's where you'll find
your answers.
That feels like an invasion
of their privacy.
Something else feels like
an invasion of privacy.
What is it?
Oh, yeah, you.
Oh, you're gonna end up
loving me.
That's how it always is.
Now, exactly whohas
ended up loving you?
No one yet.
Yet!
Alright, send me their names.
I'll get right on it.
How long
is that gonna take?
Mm-hmm.
Alright, here's what I got.
According to Linkedln,
uh, this one,
whose belly I would use
as a charcuterie board
- Ugh
- is looking for a job.
But this one,
who, oh, just accepted my friend request
p-poor thing.
Ah, she works at a coffee shop
over in Fairfield.
- Boom.
- Wow. You are amazing.
Also a bit terrifying.
Aw, you sound like
all my exes.
Let's go
check her out now.
Wait, you mean we're going
from Second Breakfast
to third breakfast?
This is the best day ever.
Yeah, hi, hi.
I have been here
almost five minutes,
and you have not brought me
a menu.
- Yeah.
- I didn't order the attitude.
She's pretty, friendly,
and she seemed to give
the exact change.
But I don't really feel like
I have a sense of her.
Is she smart?
Is she athletic?
What's her teeth-to-gum ratio?
I don't want no big-gum baby.
I'll go check her out.
You hang back.
If somehow the fertility place
finds out what you're doing,
they will definitely
drop you as a client.
Oh, you're the best.
I'm naming this baby
after you.
Oh, my God. Really?
Actually,
let me think about it.
Maybe just something
with a "K."
Mm.
- Don't hold me to that.
- Mm.
Hi.
I need three lattes
One hot, one iced,
and one just warm.
Shot of vanilla in the hot one,
almond milk in the iced one,
and then the warm one
is half-caf.
One hot vanilla latte,
one iced almond milk latte,
and a half-caf latte,
warm.
Is that right?
Uh, maybe.
Quite the memory!
Very smart.
- Okay if I pay with coins?
- Mm-hmm.
Good hand-eye.
Athletic.
And you're very pretty.
Aw. You can thank my grandmother
for that.
Oh, you got her genes.
No, I got her money.
When she died, I used it
to spruce myself up.
I did my lips, nose,
boobs, butt, tummy.
Even got my webbed feet
taken care of.
It must be nice
to finally wear flip-flops.
Totally.
And I know Grandma will
look down on me and smile
when I achieve my dream
of getting on "The Bachelor."
Sorry,
you just failed a test
you didn't even know
you were taking.
But I'll watch for you
on "The Bachelor,"
then "Bachelor in Paradise,"
then "Big Brother,"
then "Road Rules,"
then "Celebrity Rehab."
Thanks.
Welcome.
Can I help you?
Our dad is running
for City Council.
Would it be alright
if we put his campaign sign
- up in your store?
- Sure,
anywhere you want.
Hand me some tape.
Throw a "please" on there,
and I might.
Pleasehand me
some tape.
No.Give me that.
No, don't tell me
what to do!
You two are terrible.
I'm not interested in putting
that sign up in my store
or voting for a man who raised
such awful children.
Can't argue with that.
There you are!
Ugh!
Damn it, Greg.
I have told you
about sneaking up on me.
This is why we decided
I shouldn't have a gun.
Sorry. I'm just kind of stuck
on the guardian search.
That is yourarea.
I've gathered that,
but this is a big deal.
- Maybe together
- I don't want to talk about it.
Yeah, but I've gone through
everyone, and the way I see it
You don't seem to be getting it,
so let me make this clear.
Come on.
I could use your input.
Not my area!
You're acting
like a child.
La! La! La! La-la!
La! La! La!
Greg, I can't be
interrupted.
I really want to finish
this chapter.
That's your book safe where
you keep your Krackel bars.
Mm.
We need to
talk about this.
I can't.
Why?
Because thinking about
who Anna-Kat will go to
means thinking about my baby
being raised by someone else,
about her growing up
without a mom and dad.
It's too painful.
It upsets me, too,
but that doesn't mean we don't
have to deal with it.
You ignored
that $60 parking ticket.
- Now it's like $800.
- Oh, damn.
I really should pay that.
Eh, I'll do it later.
The way I see it,
our only option is Kathryn.
Luthor's pretty smart.
Sit!
Still better
than my mom.
I'm not thrilled about her
either.
Before I even think
of signing off,
we're going to test her.
That's a great idea.
Who knows?
She might surprise us.
Oh, she's good at that.
In high school,
I walked in on her
making out
with my boyfriend.
I was verysurprised.
Okay, to care for a child,
you need the three N's.
You have to be able to nourish,
nurture, and nicely protect.
I fudged the last one
to make them all N's.
I'm getting kind of hungry.
First up nourish.
Well, why doesn't Grandma
make you some lunch?
Wouldn't that be fun?
Oh, sure.
I'll make you my favorite
low-calorie lunch.
Uh Diet Coke, celery,
and a thimble-full
of cottage cheese.
Mmm!
That doesn't sound
very good.
Wrong.
Celery
is the perfect food.
You burn more calories
chewing it than you get from it.
Then for dessert
a nice, deep breath.
Or a cigarette
when you get older.
It's your body.
Sorry I'm late.
If you watch one "Ice Road
Truckers," you watch four.
How's it going?
My potential donor
just got here
for her fake interview
for Tami's tape company.
If this donor has
any skeletons in her closet,
Tami will find them.
She figured out a guy
in our old neighborhood
- was a serial killer.
- Oh.
Turned out he was just
a lonely man who worked nights,
but the cops came
and everything.
So, what would you say would be
your greatest weakness?
Would you be on to me if I said
I love tape toomuch?
I would, but I'd still
fall for it.
Yeah.
Wow. Your résumé is
really impressive.
Just a few
final questions.
Does your family have
any hereditary baldness,
mental illness,
or drug addiction?
Yes, yes, and yes.
Uh, the interview's
for a receptionist.
Are these
appropriate questions?
You're right.
I'm so sorry
if I was unprofessional.
You want to go to the bathroom
and smoke a doobie?
I'm sorry,
but I don't want this job.
Thank you for your time.
Well, she cut that
kind of short.
Did you really think she was
gonna go to the bathroom
- with you and do drugs?
- You have drugs?
Well, maybe she thought
I was an undercover cop.
I get that a lot.
Oh, she left her keys.
I'm gonna try to catch her.
I, uh I was joking,
officer.
No drugs for me.
I'm a good boy.
Unless you're not a cop
and you do have drugs.
Then I am a very, very
badboy.
So your mom tells me someone at
school's been bad-mouthing you.
Yeah.
Chardonnay Linstrum.
Here's what you do.
You've gotta hit Chardonnay
where it hurts.
Steal her boyfriend
right in front of her nose,
then turn to her and say,
"I don't want him.
I just don't want you
to have him."
She doesn't have
a boyfriend.
Oh, well, then just
cut the brakes on her bicycle.
Anna-Kat, maybe you should get
started on your homework.
See ya, Grandma. Alright, sweetie.
Don't do any of that.
The good thing about
the name Chardonnay
is she won't have to change it
when she becomes a stripper.
So, she can't nourish
ornurture.
Let's not give up yet.
We still have the last "N"
Nicely protect.
Nicely protect?
That's so lame.
You came up with it.
Oh, yeah.
I like it.
Mom's gonna kill us if we don't
hang these signs up.
Let's get this done so I don't
have to spend all day with you.
- Dummy says what?
- Hmm?
- What?
- It's just too easy.
Lindsey?
Oliver, hi.
I did not recognize you
at first.
You changed your hair.
- I like it.
- Thanks.
W-When did you get back
into town?
I thought you said you wouldn't
be home from college
until summer.
Actually, um, I've been here
for a few days.
Oh.
You should've texted me,
hit me up with
the beep-boop-beep-boop.
Sorry.
I was going to, but, um
No problem.
What are you doing tomorrow?
I cannot promise as much fun
as when we went to prom,
but I'll do my best.
Tomorrow is really booked.
How about the day after?
I'm sorry, Oliver, I'm only back
in town for a little while
and I've got
a lot of people to see.
Okay, yeah.
That's okay.
I'm super busy, too.
I've got school stuff,
before-school stuff,
after-school stuff.
It's quite a bit of school
and stuff.
Well, it was good
seeing you.
Hi, Taylor.
Dude, that was rough.
Thanks.
Didn't notice.
I'm sorry.
I know
you really liked her.
We've been talking since
she went away to college.
Not anything serious,
but I thought she at least
kindof liked me.
I feel so stupid.
You're notstupid.
She is if she doesn't realize
how awesome you are.
It's okay.
You don't have to say that.
I mean it.
She's totally missing out.
And if it helps,
I know how you feel.
I finally got the nerve
to go for coffee with Andre,
the TA I've been
flirting with all semester,
and I run into Trip.
And he's there
with some girl from work.
Yeah, what's going on
with that?
Ugh. No idea.
We haven't talked about it.
It's superweird.
Look, I know you would never
purposely hurt Trip.
So whatever you decide,
I've got your back.
Huh. We actually had
a nice interaction.
Yeah, look at that.
Lindsey's hair
looked stupid.
And I'm sure the girl Trip was
with had stupid hair, too.
I would give you
a supportive hug right now,
but that'd be so lame.
Yeah, really notcool.
We could, and then make fun
of each other afterward?
I'm in.
- Loser.
- Dork.
That's better.
You know what?
Feels like we're putting
too much pressure
on these Kathryn tests.
Yeah. All she really has to do
is keep Anna-Kat safe.
That's right.
They're at the park right now,
and I don't hear any sirens,
so I think we're good.
Hey.
- Where's Anna-Kat?
- Well, at the park.
You told me
to take her there.
And you just left her?
You're supposed to stay!
Well, you never said anything
about staying.
Well, I would never
have agreed to take her
- if I'd known that.
- Oh, my God.
So you think it's okay
to just leave a little girl
alone at the park?!
The way that your voice is
getting all high-pitched
tells me
you don't think it is.
Hmm. Wonder where he's off to
in such a hurry.
I can't believe she left
Anna-Kat at the park.
I got her.
She's safe.
There was a minor freak-out
on the car ride home, but
she calmed me down.
Ugh. I told you that my mom
was a bad idea.
We just have to make sure that
neither one of us ever dies.
So start chewing your cereal
a little quieter.
That's the biggest threat
to your life that I see.
Amazing.
Oh, you have to do my hair
like this every day.
Okay.
I love you, Grandma.
Oh, I love you, too,
kiddo.
Huh.
We forgot
the most important "N."
- Love.
- Well, look at that.
Maybe my mom is
the perfect choice.
Ah, I always wanted
a little girl.
Well, maybe not perfect,
but fine.
Can we talk to you
for a second, Mom?
Okay, so I-I took $20
out of your wallet.
I was gonna put it back.
Not that.
Greg and I have been
thinking about it,
and we have decided that if
anything were to happen to us,
you would be the best person
to be Anna-Kat's guardian.
Are you
out of your minds?
There is no way
I'm taking Anna-Kat.
God, I thought I was
a bad parent.
You two are even worse,
trying to pawn her off on me.
But she loves you,
Mom.
That is
the most important thing.
Look, and I love her, too.
But I am done
raising kids.
Now, I will go and visit her
in the, uh
Oh, what is that place
where they put kids
who don't have
any parents?
The orphanage?
Yes, the orphanage.
Okay, guess we're back to making
sure that we don't die.Mm.
Relax.
You guys can totally die
whenever you want.
I'm 19.
If anything happens,
I'll take care of Anna-Kat.
And I'll be there
to help.
Really?
You guys would do that?
Of course.
Siblings take care
of each other.
And if you two croak soon,
I think we have a chance
of really turning the kid
around.
Of course.
The kids!
Yes.
Nobody can take better care of
this family than this family.
It was right in front of us
the whole time!
I'm so proud
of you guys.
Now that I know that Anna-Kat
is going to be
in the best of hands,
I can go back
to looking forward
to death.
Okay, I took Luthor
for a walk.
Where is he?
What, I have to stay
with the dog, too?
Oh.
How about Taylor and Oliver
getting along?
I just wanted them
out of the house
because they were annoying me,
but it actually worked.
I'm the best mother
of all time.
I don't get
any credit at all?
Nope, credit's my area.
Your area is pretending like
you're not checking out
the moms
in the Pixar movies.
Yeah, I notice.
I want some new areas.
I don't know.
Your areas are pretty sexy
Keeping us all safe, making sure
there's food on the table,
being the man
of the house.
Can we say
"person of the house"?
- Less sexy.
- Right. Continue.
You being so good
at your areas
makes me want to
give you access to my areas.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Luthor just dropped
a dead rat on my pillow!
That's your area.
Go get it,
person of the house.
I have chosen Jillian
as my egg donor.
Based on what?
Not getting high with Tami?
Well, she is Korean, which will
make my parents happy,
and on top of that,
I really like her.
When I brought her keys,
we had a quick chat.
I thought we agreed that
it was dangerous for you
to interact with her.
Oh, it was only
for a second.
Turns out she went to Yale
on a tennis scholarship,
so my kid will be smart
and athletic.
Plus,
she's a great singer.
You got allthat
from handing her her keys?
No! We met up
at a piano bar later.
After our third martini,
we sang every song from "Annie."
The crowd went crazy.
Not in a good way.
So you went on a date?
No! I just wanted
one-on-one time
so I could find out
more about her.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Did you tell her
you were gay?
No, it didn't come up.
Did you pay for her drinks?
- Of course I did.
- You were on a date.
No, I wasn't.
We were just having fun.
I walked her to her car,
kissed her on the cheek,
and we're going out to dinner
on Friday night.
Oh, my God.
I'm dating my future child's
egg donor! Oh!
Nice, bro.
Killin' it.
Oh, that's her.
- Hey, babe.
- Ah.
Oh, my God.
I can't stop.