American Housewife (2016) s05e12 Episode Script

I figured out
Franklin"s anniversary gift.
Have you guys been together
two years already?
No. It"s the anniversary
of the first time
we shared
the same piece of gum.
I hope
you got to go first.
- And third.
- Mm.
What are you
getting Franklin?
I"m gonna make him
a licorice cake.
Nothing excites
the kid more
than a pre-World War II
era dessert.
Oh,
stop wasting your time.
Anniversaries are
just lame creations by Hallmark
to make you think
love is real.
Mom, can boys have
a time of the month?
Absolutely.
The symptom to watch for
in your father
is complaining
about the water bill.
- What"s up?
- Nothing.
Really? Because you seem
like someone
who just saw the girl
he took to the prom,
who he thought
he was kind of dating,
and found out
that she was back in town
and didn"t call him.
That"s just the vibe
I"m getting.
Oh, Taylor told you.
Yes, I have a Lindsey-shaped
hole in my heart.
But the pain has become
my companion.
Moping around the house is not
going to help you feel better.
Why don"t you come to
Stewart and Kingston"s with me
and we can pick up
a few things?
No thanks.
Oh, I see.
There"s been
a misunderstanding.
I used a friendly tone.
My mistake.
Get your ass
in the car.
That felt right.
Captions by VITAC
AMERICAN HOUSEWIFE
Season 05 Episode 12
Episode Title:
"How Oliver Got His Groove Back"
Aired on:
March 24, 2021
According to the City
Council election polls,
- you"re in fourth place.
- How is that possible
when there are
only three people running?
A lot of people are planning
to write in Kanye.
And the main reason
you"re in last place
is that slimy frontrunner,
Steve Hobert.
I know.
He"s dumping tons of money
into negative ads
against me.
Well,
you"re my campaign manager.
There must be some way
to stop him.
How about we take him
out of the race entirely?
- How?
- I did some recon.
I got something good..
What? Hookers?
Drugs?
Nah, dude, "Grand Theft Auto"
made those cool.
That would
get him elected.
No, I found out that Hobert
gets his feet massaged
at the same place in Norwalk
every Wednesday.
How does that help me?
Because I slipped
a masseuse there $5
and then $25,
and then a Mazda Miata,
and she told me that Hobert
gets super relaxed,
starts talking all this smack
about Westport.
Apparently, he thinks
this is a dinky little town
and just a stepping stone
to him becoming a congressman.
So, all we have to do
is record him
bad-mouthing Westport
and put it on the Internet.
Exactly!
I will throw on
one of these disguises
that I use
for my prank videos.
I will go down
to the massage parlor
and I will record
the Hobert scandal
with a hidden camera.
Then I"m gonna go
to my buddy"s house,
trick him into making out
with me.
Boom!
Three million views.
No,
you will not spy on Hobert.
I"ll do it.
It"s my political victory
on the line,
and my honor
the man has besmirched.
Look whose plums
just dropped.
I love the new Greg.
Fun fact,
did you know that plums
were a sign of courtship
in feudal Japan?
Old Greg
clawing his ass back.
So, it"s kind of weird
we haven"t talked,
you know, about what happened
at Stewart and Kingston"s.
You mean
when I was with Andre
and you were
with that girl from work?
Stella and I
are just friends.
It"s fine.
And, uh,
Andre and I aren"t
No, I know. I know.
But we need to talk.
Um
this is really hard.
Uh, I love you so much,
but I feel like
Like you need
some space?
Or were you gonna say
a snack?
"Cause I have some gummy worms
in the car.
- Trip.
- You need some space.
- I get it.
- You do?
I was kind of thinking
the same thing.
How can we be sure that
we"re meant to be together
if we"ve never been
with anyone else?
You"re not just saying that
to make me feel better?
No, I even wrote it in Sharpie
on my hand.
I ran out of space
"cause I always write too big
in the beginning.
You know?
I can"t believe
we"re having this conversation.
Babe, it"s okay.
If we"re supposed
to be together forever,
then we"ll find our way back
someday.
So what do we do now?
I guess, uh
I"ll see ya.
Yeah, see ya.
Oh, wait, there"s something
else I have to tell you.
Fuji apples,
only if firm.
Oh, oh.
Forget it.
That was for my mom.
See?
Isn"t it good
getting out of the house?
My house is my pain
and I can never truly leave.
I"m seconds away
from slapping you.
Oliver, right?
You"re in my econ class.
I should really
deny you service
for always acing those tests
and messing up the curve.
Audra.
Right. Hey.
It"s nice to see you
outside of school.
Thanks.
Do you want
a free sample?
Choose anything
you want.
If I stick my thumb in it,
it becomes a sample.
Nah.
Thank you.
What the hell is wrong
with you?
She was into you!
Why did you ignore her?
I"m just not
in the right place
to start something
with another girl.
Well, you better get
in the right place,
because I"m tired
of this mopey Oliver.
I miss my terrible,
overconfident, douchebag Oliver.
For now, I"m just gonna focus
on school
and getting into Harvard.
That"s your dad in you
talking.
You need to harness your
inner me and sack up.
I don"t need your help.
Just stay out of it.
You can"t just have a work
life. You need a social life!
A social life
with boobs!
Happy anniversary!
I made you this licorice cake
from scratch.
No way.
A pre-World War II era dessert!
Mmm.
The frosting has the decadence
of the Roaring Twenties.
The cake is moist and somber
like the Great Depression.
That"s exactly
what I was going for.
Now, for your gift,
please sit back
and enjoy the show.
My mom"s minivan
warms me to my core ♪
I have a special secret
handshake with every door ♪
Chariot of my mother,
I could never choose another ♪
Your six cupholders make
my little heart flutter ♪
Minivan, minivan,
you taught me to love ♪
Wrapped in your seatbelt
is my favorite hug ♪
On a hot day
your AC never misses ♪
The air in my face is like
you"re blowing me kisses ♪
What was that?
I wrote you a song.
About your mother"s car?
My gift was super thoughtful,
and you give me this?
It had nothing to do
with us.
The worst part is
your flow is so fire,
it"s gonna be in my head
for the rest of the day!
Thanks again
for taking me out.
That was my first time
seeing a foreign film.
Yeah, yeah, I gathered that
when you started
of reading them to yourself.
I thought
it was a sing-a-long.
Well, I mean,
the good news is
that you have
a really beautiful voice.
Thanks.
Sorry, I-I-I thought
you wanted to kiss me.
Oh, I-I did!
Um, I don"t know what happened.
Uh, let"s try that again.
Oh, okay.
Forehead, cheek.
I"m starting to feel like
your grandma.
I"m so sorry.
I-I really don"t know
what"s happening.
Taylor, you"re getting out
of a serious relationship.
It"s just bad timing,
which is unfortunate for me,
because well,
I really like you.
I guess call me,
you know,
if you, uh, ever regain control
of your body, that is.
And ever since that, Oliver"s
confidence has been shattered.
He even blew off Audra
who works the register.
Oh, why?
Audra is so cute.
He just needs a little help
getting back in the saddle.
Maybe we can help him make
the first move.
Ooh, that sounds good.
What"s your plan?
I"m an idea person.
I don"t really have
a follow-through.
- I"m in.
- Ugh, damn it.
I keep forgetting to move
that fourth chair.
You need me.
Hear me out.
I know Audra"s last name
from the employee roster.
So, we can find her
on Instagram
and message her
as Oliver.
I hate to admit it,
but I love that idea.
All we need
is Oliver"s password.
Well, I"ve got access
to his Instagram.
He logged in on my phone once
when he misplaced his
and thought I logged out
because "I promised."
Promises to kids
are non-binding and hilarious.
First thing we do is
turn off his notifications
so he doesn"t get any alerts
on his phone.
This is not
my first stalking rodeo.
Tami,
you"ve got intelligence.
J.D., you got style,
and I"ve got confidence
bordering on cockiness.
And I "m the guy who doesn"t
know or respect personal boundaries.
So I"ve been told
in court.
Together we make
one kick-ass 17-year-old boy!
I"m just gonna start things off
by saying "sup?"
Oh, my God, she sent me
a smiley-face emoji.
She likes me. Us.
- Oliver.
- Oh. Right.
I forgot what we were doing
for a second.
What are you doing
with Franklin"s present?
You worked so hard
on it.
Yeah, that"s the point.
I worked so hard on his
and he didn"t work hard on mine
at all.
He wrote me a rap song
about his mother"s car.
I didn"t like it,
so he just took off.
Honey,
sometimes in relationships
you got to fake it
a little bit.
Let me show you
something.
These are all gifts
that your father gave me
that I cannot stand.
Some sonnets written in
calligraphy all titled "Katie,"
twenty-six journals
that I will never use,
coasters with
my kids" faces on them.
We gave you those.
The point is,
he"s a horrible gift giver.
But also a great guy
who might be the most genuine
man I have ever met.
Hey.
I, Randall Stocktin,
mail carrier,
am off to ruin
a man"s life!
Anyway
Nothing like getting
your toesees pampered
after a long day
of delivering the mail.
I still have to take this last
one all the way to Westport.
Boy, is that town boring
and full of idiots, eh?
Sorry, I"m here to enjoy
my massage in peace,
not chit chat
with a stranger.
Well, let"s get to know each
other better so we"re not strangers.
My favorite fast track to
friendship is admitting secrets.
I"ll go first.
I open Christmas cards
before I deliver them.
Makes me feel like
I have a family.
- Now you go.
- Not interested.
Come on,
it could be anything.
Maybe you enjoy littering.
Or, I don"t know,
totally random,
maybe you hate Westport
as much as I do.
What did you say
your name was?
Randall Stocktin.
Well, you know what,
Randall?
You kind of remind me
of somebody.
Uh, uh, really?
Who?
My mother.
She also thinks I care
about her thoughts
and talks too much.
Now, if you"ll excuse me,
you"ve ruined my massage.
Mmm!
I love the smell
of fresh mail.
Mail.
You know what? Tack on
an extra fifty for yourself.
That"s my work card,
so I won"t feel it.
Lonnie, that"s a city credit
card for town use only.
Bruh, he"s paying for these
massages with taxpayer dollars!
And we got it all on tape!
He"s so busted!
Yeah, he is!
Alright, I got to bail.
I got a 4:30 mammogram.
I really thought I wanted to be
with Andre,
but when we went to kiss,
something felt off,
and I-I couldn"t
go through with it.
Well, you"ve been
in a relationship
- since the beginning of high school.
- That"s true.
Maybe you want a chance
to be independent.
Do a little self-discovery.
Hang out with some girlfriends.
Find a hobby.
Take in a sunset.
Wow.
That"s actually great advice.
Yeah.
I got it
from "Eat, Pray, Love."
The movie, obviously.
Mama don"t read.
I"m still thinking about
that cute checkout girl
from Stewart and Kingston"s.
That"s weird.
Do I need to tell Dad?
I think you two
would hit it off.
Mom, stop meddling.
I"m not gonna ask her out.
You don"t have to,
"cause I did
and she"s coming over to hang.
Tell me you did not call a girl
from my school
and ask her out for me.
Of course not,
that would be crazy.
I just used
your Instagram account
and had Tami, J.D., and Walker
help me impersonate you.
You"ve done some
messed up stuff in your time,
but this is
borderline
- psychotic!
- You think?
I literally said
I do not need your help!
Which is a classic cry
for help!
All I did was invite
a beautiful girl to come over
and possibly make out with you
on the couch.
I am sorry that I am the
greatest wing-woman of all time.
When will you stop meddling
in my life?!
Never.
I"m gonna message Audra
right now and call it off.
You can"t,
"cause she"s already here.
Oh, and just a heads up
in case she mentions it,
in the Nicki-Cardi B fight,
you"re team Nicki!
Okay, now you go.
I"d marry Pikachu, kiss
Lucario, and kill Greninja.
That is
such a good answer.
So, what should we do next?
Want to watch a movie?
Uh, yeah, sounds good.
I actually haven"t seen
your favorite movie,
so do you want
to watch that?
Right.
My favorite movie.
I"d love to show you
my favorite movie.
Okay, what did we say
his favorite movie was?
That was me.
I"m trying to remember where
we can stream my favorite movie.
Which is obviously
"Little Women."
See, we got this!
Why "Little Women"?
J.D. is a big
Timothée Chalamet-head.
Ah,
it"s pronounced Timo-tay,
and he"s on his way
to an Oscar,
so let"s try
to be better, okay?
And how funny is it that we
have the same favorite snack?
- So funny.
- Yeah.
Let me get our favorite snack
for us to eat
while we watch
my favorite movie.
That would be my favorite,
Hot Cheetos.
But now he"s gonna eat
my Cheetos.
Ugh, I didn"t think this
through.
Oh, he"s so cute.
Did you get him before or after
the loss of Mr. Slytherin?
Mr. Slytherin?
- Not it!
- Not it!
- Walker!
- Yeah, that was me.
Mr. Slytherin is his pet
snake that died.
It"s good to play
the sympathy card.
That was taken from my own life
by the way, so it"s personal.
You"re welcome.
Ugh.
Why not get
French fries?
The loss of any living thing
is tough.
I bet. And he died
in such an unusual way.
Oh, yeah.
It was crazy.
- Yeah.
- I"m still waiting to process it!
Why did I just get a DM
from you that said,
"The snake died
on a roller coaster"?
What did you do?!
I popped
into the wrong window
and texted her Instagram
instead of Oliver.
Oh, this is why the youngest
person should handle the phone.
You"re DMing me
right now,
but you"re sitting
in front of me.
What
What is going on?
I"m gonna be honest.
My mom"s the one
who"s been DMing you.
I"ve been DMing
your mother?!
Well, yes.
And also her best friend
and this new guy she just met.
And some creepy weirdo
at Stewart and Kingston"s.
Walker?!
That is
seriously messed up!
I-I am out of here!
Audra, wait!
I can explain!
I think.
This is where Keith Morrison
is gonna stand
when he discusses me
murdering you on "Dateline."
Mm.
Audra, I"m so sorry.
I-I swear
this was not my idea.
I was
getting over someone
and my mom gets too involved
in my life,
even when
I tell her not to.
But in this case,
I"m glad she did,
because if she didn"t,
I wouldn"t have gotten
to know you.
Believe it or not,
I can totally relate.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Um
See that, uh, parked car
over there
with the woman hiding behind
the steering wheel?
That"s my mother.
Yeah.
Sounds like we already have
so much in common.
Uh, your mom
just texted me,
"Make the first move
because he won"t."
I"m not wrong!
When are you leaking
the Hobert dirt?
- Soon.
- This is gonna be big.
Like lose your marriage,
live in your car big.
Destroyyyyedd!
Yeah,
that sounds fantastic.
Are you thinking
of backing out?
No, no, I"m not.
Yeah, yeah, I am.
You"re just a good guy.
That"s just who you are.
It"s not my favorite thing
about you,
but it"s not
my least favorite.
- Guess what is.
- My pants?
Yeah, dawg!
Franklin?
Your mom just told me
you were in the hospital.
Yeah.
Sorry for missing your calls.
I had an allergic reaction
to the licorice cake.
Oh, my God!
How did you not know
you were allergic to licorice?
Oh, I knew, but you worked
so hard on the cake.
Obviously I"d roll the dice
on a near-death experience
over hurting
your feelings.
That is so sweet.
Is that why you left
without saying anything?
Yeah, my tongue started
swelling pretty quickly.
Once it feels like a sweet
potato, I know it"s time to jet.
I wish
you"d said something.
All this whole time,
I thought you were mad at me
because I didn"t like
your rap.
I mean, I liked it.
I just thought
for an anniversary gift,
it was confusing.
The worst part
about choking on my tongue
was that I didn"t get a chance
to explain.
The minivan is where we shared
that piece of gum, boo.
I love that car
because it reminds me of you.
Oh, man!
More bars!
I"ve got to get back
in the studio.
One cheeseburger taco,
please.
Trip?
Taylor?
What are you
doing here?
I-I don"t know.
This is kind of
our happy place.
I mean, remember how psyched
you were
the first time you had
your first cheeseburger taco?
If the cheeseburger taco
could happen,
then anything
is possible.
I really missed you,
and through our time apart,
I realized
the only person
I ever want to be with is you.
Break over?
I"m sorry, I actually need
a little more time.
Okay,
that"s enough time.
Break over.
I have to admit,
I did enjoy my time alone.
I really dug down deep
and found myself.
Yeah, it was a long afternoon
for me too.
Look at that.
We made our way back.
This is
the best day ever!
I"m sorry for hacking
into your account.
You should be, because
you created a huge mess.
But I know you were just
giving me the nudge I needed
to get
my confidence back.
What I"m hearing is,
it all worked out
because I got involved.
No, it worked out
because she realized
what an awesome guy
I am.
There"s
my arrogant douchebag.
Hobert decided
to drop out of the race.
- Look at that!
- Huh.
Justice prevailed
and you didn"t even
have to use that dirt
on him.
Yeah,
he just decided to
Lonnie,
what did you do?
How dare you, sir.
Okay, I just showed Hobert
the video
and he decided, all on his own,
that it was best
for him to drop
out of the race,
which is good for Westport
and good for you.
And we got
to play dress up.
There ya go!
How about we dress up
like a couple of 80-year-olds
and go take a water
aerobics class at the Y?
I"m not gonna do that.
Well,
you know where I"ll be.