American Housewife (2016) s05e13 Episode Script

Crêpes Suzette.
And for you, Crêpes Suzette,
Katie Otto-style.
Which means?
I added Cheetos for crunch. Mm.
Who ever thought that
the richest kid in Westport
would be cooking
for other people?
That's because of me.
- I'm the douche whisperer.
- Mm.
Mmm!
This is amazing!
What's on the menu
for tonight?
I can't make dinner
tonight.
My dad's swinging
through town
and taking me
to Chez Pierre.
Did you tell him about your plan
to go to culinary school?
Oh, yeah.
He's very excited for me.
I may be the first Bradford
to get a callus.
Mm!
You're not gonna finish?
I'm a little anxious.
It's the town council
election today.
And I think I can win
this thing
and make some real changes
here in Westport.
Well, you tried
to change me.
How's that working out
for you?
Are you ready, Oliver?
Big day. SATs.
I'm gonna nail them.
Between my high scores,
Teen Help Line,
and that Gyftee app
I started with Trevor,
I'll be a shoo-in
for Harvard.
You sure you're okay?
You seem to be
developing a rash.
It's a confidence rash.
And you're sweating.
- From excitement!
- Mm.
Can't take a test
without a good breakfast.
Thanks, but my stomach's
a little upset.
Oh.
Gonna go have a little
confidence diarrhea?
Captions by VITAC
AMERICAN HOUSEWIFE
Season 05 Episode 13
Episode Title: "The Election"
Aired on: March 31, 2021
Greg thinks that
he can change Westport,
but the people in this town
don't change.
Except their noses.
And their boobs.
Uh, and their legs.
I had my inner thighs
liposuctioned.
They're the highway
to the groin.
- That's what -my doctor says.
- Oh.
Ooh, Walker,
who is that hunk
in that hunky suit
hunkin' up the place?
Wait, you don't know?
That's Doyle Bradford.
Cooper's dad?
Our kids have been
best friends for years,
but I have never
even met him.
You'd think with all that money
and those good looks,
he'd be
a son of a bitch
and you'd be correct.
And everyone
kisses his ass
'cause he's the richest man
in town,
but I come from money,
so it doesn't impress me.
I think he's waiting
to be seated.
What? Oh. So sorry,
Mr. Bradford.
Hold on.
Get up. Get up!
Get up! Get up!
Get up! Get up! Get up!
Go, go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go!
My gosh.
I love your tie.
- You should go say hi.
- Right?
I mean, we're
practically in-laws.
Oh, ask him
who does his hair.
I'm not going to ask him
who does his hair.
Alright.
So I bought the island
across the way,
and that's where the staff
walks the dogs.
Hi.
I don't mean to interrupt.
Oh, I parked
in the red.
You can just leave
the ticket on the car.
I don't work for
parking enforcement.
I'm Oliver's mother.
Your son lives
at our house.
Oh, right. Connie.
Yes, thank you for
looking after Cooper.
He loves being
at your house.
He says it's like camping.
It's my pleasure.
I am so proud of Cooper.
He is really starting to
figure out
his direction in life.
I don't know what
there is to figure out.
Cooper's gonna go to Harvard,
then business school,
then join me
at Bradford Industries,
and if he tries
a hostile takeover,
I will destroy him.
But I'll be
secretly proud.
Cooper hasn't mentioned
any other plans?
- No.
- Hm.
But I mainly communicate
with him through Brad.
Let me ask Brad.
Brad?
Nope, no more plans.
Win or lose, today we join
a vaunted Westport tradition
The candidates casting the
first ballot at the same time
in a display
of mutual civility.
May the best man win.
I'm the best man.
And the early lead
goes to Ablin.
You've made some
big strides lately
in standing up for yourself,
but it is election day.
It is game time.
You need to let
your inner badass out.
You need him to help you
win this thing.
No. I can win
being a good-ass.
You do have
a hell of a good ass.
Your candidate
doesn't have a shot.
Sorry, lady.
Your trash talk's
a little weak.
You look like
a passing YouTube fad
who goes to jail
for tax evasion
and then spends the rest
of his life cleaning up puke
at Sky Zone Trampoline Park.
Damn, she's good.
That's exactly what I look like.
Do you want to
go to the movies?
Why would we go to the movies
when we can stay at home
and watch the best movie
of all time?
Franklin, how many times
can we watch "Soapdish?"
That's what I'm trying
to figure out.
I thought it was 100,
but I'm still finding
hidden gems
in Sally Field's
performance.
Taylor, I feel like
I'm in a rut with my man.
What's going on?
We're like an old
married couple.
Pretty soon, we're just
gonna be spending our time
going to each other's
doctors appointments.
Franklin's gotten too
comfortable in the relationship,
and he's taking you
for granted.
You need to show him that
if he wants to hang on to you,
he has to put in
some effort.
How?
Trip and I are going to
the arcade tonight.
You and Franklin should come,
and I'll show you
how to flirt with another boy
and make him jealous.
Just like Sally Field did
with Kevin Kline in "Soapdish."
Ugh!
I've got to stop watching
that stupid movie!
Open your test books
to Section One,
read the directions,
and begin work.
Good luck.
Time starts now.
Alright.
It all comes down to this.
It's so nice that your father
is 100% supportive
of you becoming a chef.
Oh, yeah.
He's thrilled for me.
The way you talk about him,
I didn't think
that he would go for it.
But he did!
Sends me recipes.
People surprise you.
So true.
Like I was surprised today
when I ran into him
at Stewart & Kingston's.
Oh.
I was further surprised
to hear
that you didn't tell him
you wanted to become a chef.
Oh, my God. You didn't say
anything, did you?
No, that's not my place.
This is your life, and you do
with it what you want.
Thank you.
Which is why I invited him
over for dinner tonight,
so you can
tell him yourself.
That look on your face
makes all the bad parts
of parenting worthwhile.
You lied to me!
I'll make you a Cheetos salad
to make up for it.
What is even your plan?
It's simple.
I'll tell my father
I'm at Harvard,
but I'll really be
at culinary school.
Don't you think he will notice
that you're not at Harvard?
That's the thing about
super rich people
They ignore their kids,
their bills,
and organ donor
wait lists.
I could have 15 kidneys
on your doorstep in an hour.
Have you ever thought about
just telling him the truth?
He'd just shut me down.
Let me tell you a secret.
All parents want is for
their kids to be happy.
I even want Oliver
to be happy.
You don't get it.
No one stands up
to Doyle Bradford.
How about this?
When your dad comes over
tonight, you cook dinner.
Then when he compliments me,
you jump in and let him know
that you made it all.
He'll be so amazed
that he will be the one
suggesting culinary school.
Yeah.
Yeah, that might work.
Okay, I need to put
a menu together.
Do we have any foie gras
in the house?
There's a can of Spam
in the back of the cabinet.
I should have known better
by now.
Here you go, kiddo.
Guaco the Taco!
I've been trying to get
this guy for a year.
You're home, buddy.
What in tarnation?
If you don't pay enough
attention to your girl,
eventually she'll find
somebody who will.
What do I do?
You got to
take initiative.
Buy her a present.
Show her that you care.
I guess I could
get her something nice
from the prize counter.
Unless you want to
give me the taco.
No! You won him for me.
He's mine.
Oh, boy.
So it turned out
the guy I was bidding against
was my own curator,
and I spent $20 million more
than I needed to.
But you know how that is.
Dad, they don't know
how it is.
Almost no one does.
What are you talking about,
Cooper?
Sure we do.
Back in the late '90s,
Greg accidentally filled
our tank with premium gas.
- Sure did.
- Mm-hmm.
Dad, did I tell you
that Mr. Otto
is running
for town council?
Polls close
in a half-hour.
Shaping up to be
a close race.
You know, one phone call,
and it's yours.
I could use another
politician on my side.
Thank you, but I'm gonna
win this fair and square.
Oh, you're serious.
Mr. Otto prides himself
on having integrity.
Oh, but I don't.
I blew the SATs,
and I need an in at Harvard.
No problem. I just acquired
a seat on the board
to make sure
that Cooper gets in.
I'm sure one more
won't make a big difference.
Harvard?
You hear that, Cooper?
Ow!
Sorry.
Ow!
Dad, uh, how are you
enjoying your meal?
Oh, every course
has been amazing.
I'd like to compliment
your chef.
Ow!
Sorry.
Ow!
I'm glad you're enjoying
the dinner, because
I made it.
I don't understand.
I found my passion,
and it's cooking.
I want to go to culinary school
and study to become a chef.
He's truly gifted.
He made a five-star meal
using two-star ingredients
in a zero-star kitchen.
I appreciate your input,
but Bradfords don't cook.
Bradfords are cooked for.
But Dad
Culinary school
is out of the question.
One day, you're gonna take over
Bradford Industries if I die,
but I might do one of those
Queen Elizabeth things
where I just hang on
until he's too old.
Do we understand
each other?
Yes, sir.
Thank you for the meal,
but I have a meeting to attend.
Cooper,
if you'd like to say goodbye
before I head back
to Florida,
I have an opening between
10:00 and 10:15 tomorrow.
I'm so sorry, Cooper.
Why'd you make me
do this?
I had my own plan.
I could have secretly
gone to culinary school,
and he never would have
noticed.
I told you, there's
no standing up to him.
You ruined everything!
Wow. He hates you.
Now he really is
like one of our kids.
That boy was cute.
He seemed really into you.
He already built us
a castle in Minecraft.
Ooh.
Hey, go sweep her
off her feet
with the gift you got her
from the prize counter.
Anna-Kat?
I want you to know that
I appreciate the woman you are,
and I apologize for not being
the man you deserve.
But I promise to do better,
starting with this.
Oh, my God,
did you know about this?
No, little dude's
winging it.
No one gets me like you do,
and if I ever lost you,
I'd regret it
for the rest of my life.
Anna-Kat Liberty Bell Otto,
in 10 years,
will you marry me?
Are you serious?
Does Sally Field
go to the mall in "Soapdish"
to get her confidence back?
Yes. Yes!
I'll marry you.
But make it 15 years.
I want to have a career.
She said yes!
It's beautiful!
It's also a whistle.
Looks like
a real nail-biter here
in the City Council race
95% of the ballots are in,
but you and Ablin
are still neck and neck.
I would have been so mean to
these two in high school,
I can tell you that.
I ran the campaign I wanted
with integrity and honesty,
fair and square.
I'm proud of my race.
That came out wrong.
Principal Ablin. Maria.
What are you two doing here?
We came over to watch
the vote tally, of course.
You've done nothing but run a
nasty campaign against me for weeks,
and now you want to crash
my election night party?
I'm glad we're on
the same page.
Is this it for food?
What are you doing?
You've got to
throw him out.
Politics aside,
let's be human beings.
I want a front-row seat
to watch you lose.
The only thing I'm going to
lose is weight
from my crazy
victory dance.
That's a taste.
- Mm.
- Hey, that's the cake for when I win.
You won't be needing it.
Hey, everybody,
I think they're ready
to announce the winner.
Enough suspense, folks.
It looks like we are prepared
to announce the result.
Samantha?
It's
a tie.
Holy moly. A tie.
A tie?
What is this, soccer?
This is highly unusual.
Westport has not had
an election tie since 1792,
and per
the Westport constitution,
any tie must be settled with
a duel.
A duel?
We can't do a duel
in Westport.
He's right.
We'll do it in Fairfield.
They'll let you do
anything there.
This is ridiculous.
You want us
to shoot each other?
What if they do it
with paintball guns?
I think that would be consistent
with the spirit of the law.
I was ready to use real guns,
so I'm in.
And so is my guy.
I
Fine.
Then it's paintballs
at high noon!
Oh, actually,
make it like 12:15.
I see my therapist
11:00 to 12:00,
and I need some time after
to decompress.
Self-care, baby!
What's wrong with you?
- Nothing.
- Okay.
I'm not invested enough to ask
any follow-up questions.
I blew the SATs.
Plus, my mom pissed off
the one guy that could get me
into Harvard.
Well, maybe
this will help.
Apple put us on their
Featured App list.
Downloads have skyrocketed.
Gyftee is blowing up.
Are you serious?
If we keep adding users
at this rate,
our company could be
worth millions.
And then Harvard will be
begging me to go there.
Forget Harvard.
You're only going there
to become rich and successful.
This app is already gonna
make you rich and successful.
You're right.
I feel like a huge weight
has been lifted.
Thanks, Trevor.
You're welcome.
What are you doing
with your face?
Am I not smiling?
No.
Why'd you let Cooper
give up on his dreams?
I promised him
I'd stay out of it.
Since when do you listen
when someone tells you
- not to do something?
- Mm-hmm.
I asked you not to
eat popcorn in my BMW,
and you now it looks like
the floor of a movie theater.
Katie.
My dad's taking me
to Florida with him.
- Oh, no.
- Yeah.
He said it's time
for me to start living
the life that's been
planned for me.
He blamed my behavior
on a caviar deficiency.
I'm gonna go to
the bathroom
to use a urinal
for the last time.
It's all bidets
where I'm headed.
Poor kid.
Yeah, too bad you promised
not to get involved.
Watch my waffles.
I need to have
a word with you.
Oh, thank goodness
you're here.
I need some cream.
For the love of God,
we had dinner last night.
What you are doing to Cooper
is horrible.
A real parent would encourage
their child's dream.
I've indulged you
long enough, Crystal.
You need to mind
your own business.
Cooper is my business.
I've put more work
into that kid in six months
than you have in 17 years.
Are you eating
Katie's waffles?
She gave us
one thing to do!
I can't help it. I'm
stress eating.
Cooper is my son.
He is going to work for me.
He is going to be
incredibly wealthy,
and he's going to marry
a cousin distant enough
not to have wonky babies.
But is he going
to be happy?
Well, despite what
we tell the poor,
money does
buy happiness.
Preach.
Cooper is sweet.
He's sensitive.
He's a bueno muchacho.
Why are you
speaking Spanish?
Because that's his thing,
and you would know that
if you spent any time with him
at all, but you don't,
because you care more
about yourself
than you do your own son.
No one speaks to me
that way.
I could ruin you.
Good luck.
I'm already ruined.
Cooper, we're leaving.
Congrats, this is
the longest I've talked
to someone who wasn't
in my tax bracket.
I know I promised that I would
not say anything to your dad,
but I can't stand by
and let you walk out
on your dream.
Thanks for trying,
Mrs. Otto.
Te amo, mamacita.
Taylor, there's something
I need to talk to you about.
I told you,
there's no need to apologize.
That squirrel
took your hot dog.
You had every reason
to chase it.
Not that.
I remember when I came here
to pick you up
on our first date,
and you were standing right
in this spot waiting for me.
I was just so excited.
Also, we had a pet pig inside,
and I didn't want that
to be the headline
for the night, so
I couldn't believe how lucky
I was to be taking you out.
And I feel luckier every
single day that I'm with you.
This porch is where
I fell in love with you,
so this porch feels like
the right place to do this.
Do what?
Franklin got me thinking.
I almost lost you twice.
There is no way that
I'm gonna lose you again.
Taylor Betsy Ross Otto,
will you marry me?
Yes.
I will absolutely
marry you.
Trip, it's beautiful.
It was my grandma's.
I'm sorry it's not
also a whistle.
The rules of today's duel
are simple
10 paces, 1 shot fired.
Whoever strikes first
I don't need to go into
any more detail, do I?
We've all seen "Hamilton."
Weapons, please.
I can't believe
we're doing this.
I'm looking forward
to eating your victory cake
over your
paint-riddled body.
The combatants will now meet
back-to-back.
Now, 10 paces.
One.
Two.
Three.
- You're not gonna win.
- Four.
Your guy doesn't
have the balls.
- Five.
- He has one ball,
- and that's all he needs.
- Six.
- Paintball. One paintball.
- Seven.
- Eight.
- He has the appropriate amount of testicles!
Nine.
Yaaah!
Wait! Wait!
Ablin fired early!
Accident!
That was an accident!
Let the duel continue!
Nope. Dude,
you broke the rules.
I call a do-over.
A do-over is up to
Candidate Otto.
Well, I did run my campaign
fair and square.
But what you did
is neither fair nor square.
Yes!
There's the badass
I'm looking for!
You wouldn't shoot a woman
with fibromyalgia, would you?
Why do you always
tell people that?
You got him?
I got him.
Take the shot.
Aah!
Oh, my God,
I'm so sorry!
Turns out I didn't
have the shot.
Aah!
That's to break the tie.
Ahh!
And that's for putting
your ballot in first.
Yikes!
And that's for eating
my cake!
Doggone it!
Yeah!
I'm so proud of you, man!
Emphasis on "man,"
which you are now.
Congratulations, Greg.
You're Westport's newest
town councilman.
May I suggest your
first order of business
be to change what happens
when there's a tie?
Hmm.
Cooper made
a great victory cake.
I can't believe
he's leaving.
When I, your actual son,
move out,
I better see at least this level
of distress from both of you.
Fake it if you have to.
You here to pick up
your stuff?
Actually, my dad
changed his mind
and told me I could stay.
- What?
- And after I graduate,
I can go to culinary school!
Oh, dude!
That's amazing!
Move out of the way, Oliver!
I want to hug Cooper.
What made him
change his mind?
You.
He asked me what I thought about
what that crazy lady said,
and for the first time, I was
able to be honest with him.
People always underestimate
the benefits of crazy.
And you said people
in Westport can't change.
I guess they can.
If I can change Cooper's dad,
the ultimate Westporter,
anything is possible.
We have
an announcement, too.
Franklin and I are engaged.
15 years from this summer.
Save the date.
She's a lucky lady.
Congratulations.
Trip and I have
news, too.
We also got engaged!
What?
Taylor and I
got engaged.
We heard you.
I also have some news.
I don't want to go to
Harvard anymore.
Actually, I might not even
finish high school.
What the hell
is happening?!
I'll tell you
what's happening.
We got a tween bride,
a teen bride,
and a high school dropout,
so I guess my news isn't
such a big deal anymore.
You're pregnant.
No weird-ass historical
middle name for this one.
- "A" on me. Mark.
- Wait, we're still wearing masks.
Oh.
I'm sick of my mom
judging my friends!
Holy
Come on!
Let's do this!
I have no value,
nothing to off
I'm acting here!
I said it right, right?
No.
Nobody can take better care
of this family