Inside No. 9 (2014) s06e03 Episode Script

Oh, Jesus Christ.
Hello, my name is Eric Muller.
I'm the hotel manager.
I trust everything is in order?
Yes, fine, thanks.
I was just trying to find the
light switch for the bathroom.
Ah, it's just this one here,
sir.
Oh, right,
I thought I'd tried that one.
The gentleman next door said
he could hear sounds of distress.
Oh, that was, uh,
probably the television.
Would you like for me to send
one of the guest relation team
to explain the room to you?
No,
I'm sure I can work it all out.
I did manage to find the do
not disturb sign, after all.
I do need to check
the sell-by date
on your Lotus Caramelised
Biscuits, if I may.
We are between boxes at the
moment, and I do like to keep
abreast of the situation.
So, let us see here.
Good, as I had hoped,
good couple of months yet.
Well, if that's put
your mind at rest
We do have guest response cards with
the hotel literature by the console -
any comments, good or bad,
will be gratefully received.
OK, thank you.
We have had issues recently
with the gentlemen,
sometimes ladies, wishing to
book the room on a day rate,
if you take my meaning.
This is something we are
very keen to stamp out.
I'm sure we understand
each other, Mr
Hughes. Yes, I get it.
Uh, if I see anything untoward,
I'll let you know.
It would be most agreeable.
So,
I will let you enjoy a beverage.
Maybe I could reserve a table for you at
Paulo's tonight - would you like that?
Uh, no,
I've got a lot of work to do.
Hmm, this is of no consequence.
I do hope that you
have a relaxing stay.
- Hello. You must be Iris.
- Yeah.
Come in, come in.
You, uh
- You found us all right, then?
- I did.
Ooh, very functional, innit?
Where do you want me?
Oh, um, anywhere.
Just make yourself comfortable.
So it's, uh,
20 for a hand job, 50 for oral
and 500 if you wanna lie under a glass
coffee table whilst I take a dump on it.
Oh. No, that's not
I-I-I'm sorry, I think
there's been some confusion.
I'm just kidding with ya.
Helps to break the ice.
I know why I'm here.
Um, can I make you a cup of tea?
No, thank you. You know
that half of hotel kettles
been used for
boil-washing underwear?
- No, really?
- Oh, yeah.
- And the other half's been used for peeing in.
- Jesus.
Thought the element
looked a bit green.
Well
I can offer you a Lotus biscuit.
They are in date.
Oh, no, thank you.
Let's get on with it, shall we?
You are paying by the hour.
So, uh, I'm Felix, as you know.
I'm a data entry manager
by profession. Boring.
I've been with Brenda
for about six years now
and we have a little boy
together, Dylan, he's three.
About 18 months ago, Bren wanted
to get back into the workplace.
Uh,
her mum could look after Dylan.
So she started at a PR firm, where she
was quickly head-hunted, and now
You think she's
having an affair.
I was building to that,
but, uh, yes.
She travels a lot with her job,
and it's all highly confidential,
so she can't really talk
about it at home and
she's been
increasingly secretive.
Well, doesn't mean
she's cheating on you.
She might just take
her job seriously.
Some women do that, you know.
Oh, of course.
And I-I may be wrong,
I hope I am, but, uh
I just can't
rest until I know.
And she's meeting this
client over the road?
Yeah, yeah.
Hehe's booked a suite.
How do you know?
I can access her
online calendar.
Now
I'm sure the office explained to you,
but we can't guarantee 100% accuracy.
Depends where they position
themselves, obviously.
About a third of lip shapes
are visible on the mouth.
Others are inferred by movements of
the neck, jaw, chin, even the eyes.
Then there's the context to
be taken into consideration,
which is why you need
an expert lip reader.
- You come highly recommended.
- Hmm, glad to hear it.
Of course, she may be doing
other things with her lips
which you don't want me to describe to
you, but it'll all be in the report.
I understand.
And that's fine.
Please,
don't hold back for my sake.
Oh, I won't.
Right, let's see what we can do.
You might wanna make notes,
Felix.
Once I get going,
it can be quite quick.
OK, yeah, good idea.
Visibility's good for now.
Have to keep an eye on that
reflection on the glass.
Typically, we work from CCTV or video
so we can zoom in on the subjects.
Live reading's always trickier.
So, uh, what kind of
stuff do you normally do?
Trial work.
Forensic speech reading.
Sometimes the
tabloids get in touch
if they wanna make out
an exchange for a story.
- Must be interesting.
- It is.
Oh, hang on,
and there's movement.
We've got two men in dark suits followed
by a woman who could be your wife.
She's wearing a sort of
teal-green top, is that right?
Yeah, yeah, I saw she
had that on this morning.
Yeah, I bought it for her,
actually, couple of birthdays ago.
Dorothy Perkins.
"Is he here?"
I dunno, you're the one
with the binoculars.
No, that's what she's saying.
Um, "Two flat whites
and a piano something."
Pain au chocolat,
she loves those.
Right, yeah, that's probably it.
Uh,
the men in suits are leaving.
There's another man coming in.
Six-foot one, slim, olive skin,
lovely thick hair.
Wow, he's gorgeous.
- Is that?
- Yeah.
Yes, it is.
Dimitri Novak.
Lawyer, political agitator, human
rights activist, all-round do-gooder.
Yeah,
I think I've read about him.
He's hot.
Well, my wife thinks the sun shines out
of his arse, so, yeah, he probably is.
I'm not being funny, Felix,
your wife has very good taste.
You talking about him or
me?
Both.
Though you are physically
very different.
Ooh, hang on,
she's coming towards the window.
"Do you want me to close
the blinds, Dimitri?"
Oh, God, no.
"I want to something
it in the dark."
What?
It's either look at it
or maybe suck on it.
But which?
That's pretty important!
I'm not sure,
she's turned her head.
He's taking his jacket off.
He says it's fine,
he doesn't mind either way.
Yeah, course he doesn't,
the cheating bastard.
- Let me look.
- Wait.
Let me see.
Who's that?
That'll be the hotel manager.
Shit!
He said I'm not allowed
people in my room.
What do you mean, you're not
allowed people in your room?
You're not on a school trip.
He means women. Prostitutes.
Hmm, charming.
Just go in the wardrobe,
please, while I get rid of him.
No chance.
Wardrobe?
I'll wait in the bathroom.
OK, thanks. Lock the door.
Breakfast menu.
I noticed earlier
you didn't have one.
I'll just go and pop this
on the console for you.
We offer a full
English at 31.99,
plus a 7 pound tray charge
if you prefer in-room dining.
Uh, yes,
that sounds very reasonable.
Everything else in order?
You don't need any more
coat hangers?!
No, I'm fine, thanks.
Excellent.
I just need to check your
toilet roll situation.
Yeah, I was, um, gonna mention -
it seems to have locked
itself for some reason.
From the inside?
Yeah.
That's all right,
I can always go in the kettle.
No need.
I have the key of the
skeleton for such emergencies.
Oh, you're just going to
let yourself in, are you?
All good?
Ja, splendid.
Shampoo and body wash all
at satisfactory levels.
So, I will let you get on
with your work, Mr Huge.
Just so you know, we will be
performing a full fire drill at 3:15.
We will be asking all guests to
make their way to the rear car park.
That's fine.
There will be a roll call of all guests,
so everyone will be accounted for.
Thank you.
Readers' Wives!
How analogue of you.
Plenty of bush on display,
very retro.
It's not mine.
Pubes are like cargo pants
hang on to them long enough,
they'll come back into fashion.
Honestly, I-I found it pushed
down the side of the mattress.
Don't worry,
I won't say anything.
My lips are sealed.
Mr Muller seems like
quite a character.
Why's he so suspicious of you,
do you think?
You seem pretty
normal-looking to me.
Oh, I dunno,
I think he's just uptight.
You get the impression he'd rather
run a hotel without any guests in it.
Yeah, like a bus driver
- who hates having to pick up the passengers.
- Yeah!
Or maybe just gets his kicks
out of spying on people.
- Speaking of which
- Oh, yeah.
So are the blinds
closed or open?
Open, thank goodness.
You'll be pleased to hear the only thing
she's gobbling is that pain au chocolat.
God, this is awful.
It's like having open-heart
surgery with no anaesthetic.
Oh, don't be so squeamish.
Says someone who's obviously
never been in love.
Dimitri's going to the bathroom.
Can I ask
are you married, Iris?
Me? No.
I'm self-partnered, as they say.
Single as a dollar and
not looking for change.
And are you happy with that?
Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
Really cool with it.
Don't miss men at all.
Not at all.
I'm really happy.
Sorry, what?
I didn't say anything.
Well, I mean, I might like
to meet someone eventually.
But, for now, I don't need
another half because I am a whole.
I mean with a W, not as in
An empty abyss.
He's back.
She's turned away from me now,
but he's asking about a schedule.
"Where are we with
Andrew Marr's people?"
"Is it confirmed?"
What's that about?
Uh, Bren's his press secretary,
that's what she does.
She's shaking her head.
"We need confirmation on that -
it's important."
How's his body language?
Well, he's getting agitated,
she's trying to calm him down.
- What, is she touching him?
- She's leaning forward.
I can't see what she's saying, but it
strikes me as a very close relationship.
You often get that with press
agents, they have to be flirtatious
to coerce people into
doing their bidding.
Ooh, hang on,
she's going for her phone.
"I need to call Max."
Max?
She doesn't know
anyone called Max.
Hello?
"It's me."
"Did you call me last night?"
No, I-I-I don't think so.
"I had another missed call,
number withheld."
No, I-I, well, I-I-I was out
last night withmy friends.
"I just wanted to remind
you about this weekend."
No, no, no, look, we don't
have to discuss that now.
"You can pick Dylan
up from my mum's."
"Don't forget his
mini pyjamas?"
Minion pyjamas. No, I won't.
Listen, we can talk about
this another time, yeah?
Why don't we grab
lunch or something?
"Felix, no.
I don't wanna see you."
"When will you
understand it's over?"
Brenda, please.
"I have to tell you - I've
filed for a restraining order."
"My lawyer says this is
borderline arse mount."
It's "Harassment", and you don't have to
keep repeating everything, I can hear!
"Who are you talking to?"
"Is somebody there?"
No.
No, it was just the TV.
I'm here on my own.
"I wish you'd meet somebody,
Felix, I really do."
"You deserve a penis."
Happiness.
I was happy.
Listen,
I'll call you back later.
Just stay away from that
fucking lawyer, please.
Please! We can sort this.
I just need to see you.
She hung up.
What's she saying?
"Sorry about that, he's insane."
Dimitri's nodding.
- He's moving towards her
- Yeah, all right, stop it now.
He's putting his arm around her.
- I said stop it.
- "Let me help you."
That's enough!
This was a mistake.
So it wasn't Max,
it was "My ex".
I think I should probably go.
Where's my bag?
I'm sorry.
How long have you been divorced?
We were never actually married.
Bren and I separated
eight months ago.
She swore there was nobody else,
but I didn't believe her.
And I just couldn't cope.
I got more and more depressed.
I spent hours
online on Dad Chat.
What's that?
Well, it's like Mumsnet, but with sad
men rather than competitive women.
And one of the posts on the forum
said that I was living in limbo and
They recommended your company.
He said I should find out for sure
if she was seeing somebody else.
Why?
Because, if she's not
If she's not,
then I still have a chance.
You also have a
restraining order.
I know it sounds mad, but
love is mad, isn't it?
Sorry, I forgot.
You don't know
anything about that.
I do know that you don't
have to demean yourself.
Maybe it is time
for you to move on.
Oh, for fuck's sake!
It's all right,
I'll assume the position.
Need a pee, anyway.
Oh, thank you, I'm so sorry.
What now?
I'm afraid we've had another
complaint about the noise.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
Raised voices, items being
thrown against the walls.
Yeah, I couldn't work the trouser
press and I got frustrated.
We don't have the trouser press.
Although we are hoping to roll them
out in a bid to win a fourth star.
Four stars?
You're joking, aren't you?
Been in bus shelters more
comfortable than this.
Well, irregardless
- That's not a word.
- It is, actually.
Irregardless, the gentleman
next door would appreciate it
if you could keep
the noise down.
He's made several
complaints already.
Yeah, well, I'll be gone in half
an hour, so it'll be quiet then,
and you can clean up
all the bodily fluids
- I've been spraying everywhere.
- Wait, what?!
Well, that told him!
Arsehole.
You can come out now.
I'll be two minutes.
No lingering by the door,
please, I know your type.
Yeah, sorry. Sorry.
Why do they bother folding
the end of the toilet paper
into a V-shape, do you think?
Uh, dunno!
Trying to show they've
cleaned it, I suppose.
Guilt-trip you
into leaving a tip.
Listen, I've been thinking.
You're the client,
your personal circumstance
is none of my business, so
Let's just carry on, shall we?
That's very kind of you.
Oh, right-hand lens is a bit
cracked, but it should be all right.
I'm happy to pay for any damage.
Oh, it looks like they're going
through something on his laptop.
They're sitting side by side
He's saying, "This has been in
the making for over three years.
People are gonna
be very shocked."
So, how did you end up
being assigned to me?
Ah, that's just random,
through head office.
I just happened to be free,
that's all.
Why?
No reason.
And you don't have any qualms about
prying into other people's lives?
You're the one who hired me,
remember, Felix?
How did you know
his name was Muller?
Sorry?
The hotel manager.
You said you'd never
been here before.
How did you know his name?
You must've mentioned it.
I didn't.
Then I dunno.
So what about this?
Is it hot in here?
Shall I open a window?
Is there a minibar?
I could do with a drink.
Please, just be honest with me.
So
The security around Dimitri
Novak's been stepped up
in recent months due to
his high-profile campaigns.
He's had a lot of abuse.
Online death threats.
His team were concerned about your
erratic behaviour as Brenda's ex,
so they drafted me in to
monitor your conversations
and make sure you
weren't an active threat.
- You've been stalking me?
- No.
No, they sent me these
recordings to transcribe.
But spending all that
time observing you, I
I felt like I understood you.
Brenda couldn't see it,
but I could.
You're right,
Felix, love is mad.
It makes you do crazy things.
I felt like I had to
reach out to you somehow.
Wait. That was you on Dad Chat?
TiredTerry66?
Yeah.
I just wanted to meet
you face to face IRL.
I thought maybe
It might help you see
past Brenda and, uh
Consider somebody else.
Anyway
Now you know.
Can I have my thumb drive back,
please?
You won't be charged
for this session.
I'll just tell the office
you never showed up.
For what it's worth, I don't think
Brenda and Dimitri are having an affair.
I may have made it seem
that way so that
Well, I'm sorry.
I wish you all the best
with getting her back.
Goodbye, Felix.
Iris!
Hang on, hang on, hang on.
What are you doing?
Now look what you've made me do.
Is there a hairdryer?
No, leave it.
It's a shithole anyway.
Open the curtains, would you?
I can't see a bloody thing.
- What the fuck was that?
- What?
- He's been shot!
- What?!
Dimitri! He's been shot!
Someone just shot him!
Here!
Brenda!
Brenda!
- Now.
- What?
We're getting reports of a
shooting in central London.
The victim is said
to be Dimitri Novak,
the prominent
anti-government campaigner
Novak was believed to be
working on a major announcement,
set to cause shockwaves
throughout Westminster
The gunman has been named as Felix
Hughes, an embittered former partner
of Novak's press secretary,
Brenda Doyle
He was last seen by
several eyewitnesses
waving a gun and shouting his wife's
name before being shot by armed police.
He seemed very agitated.
I also noticed he had been drinking,
which is never a good sign.
The murder of Dimitri
Novak is a tragedy -
there's no doubt about that.
But, as this inquest has proven, the
person responsible was acting alone
and clearly from a
very personal agenda.
Let's let's be very clear -
any conspiracy theories linking
this government to Mr Novak's death
are quite frankly preposterous.
Thank you.