Inside No. 9 (2014) s06e04 Episode Script

1 Hi, James.
How are you? I'm Jo.
We've set up a room for you down here, if you'd like to follow me.
Yeah, sure.
I just need to speak to someone from, um, Costume.
That's another one - James.
Thanks.
Nice view.
Copy that.
Sorry? Uh, nice view! So, is that the actual caravan? Yeah.
I'm just parking him in the greenroom for now.
You can pop yourself down there, James, and we'll get to you as soon as we can.
Would you like a drink of anything? Oh, a cup of tea would be great.
OK.
Do you have a reusable cup? No.
No, not on me, no.
No worries.
We'll see if we can sort that for you.
We're running a bit behind, but there's only a couple of set-ups left on 12 - and then we'll be on to 42, OK? - Yeah.
42.
Is that where I've got my dialogue? No idea, to be honest, but I can find out for you straight away.
Oh, thanks.
And is it possible to have a quick word with Costume because my watch is? "Excuse me, sir.
Can I have a word?" "Excuse me, sir.
Can I have a word? Something's come up.
" Oh, sorry.
Um, they said I was all right to wait in here.
I'm with the filming crew.
It's fine.
I'm not bothered.
Is this your house? Sort of.
It must be nice, like you're on holiday all the time.
We can't go on holiday.
Went to Filey when I were little, but can't remember it.
Right.
I'm celebrating a birthday today.
Happy birthday.
I'm having a glass of champagne.
Ah, lovely.
- Do you want some? - Oh, no, I'd better not.
- I've got my big scene coming up.
- Are you an actor? Yeah.
Yeah, I play Bobby.
It's a great script.
It's by Jeff Pope.
I don't know if you've seen any of his stuff.
He's done some really good ITV dramas recently.
I like Disney.
Ah.
Yeah, well They're classics.
- What's your favourite? - Dumbo 1.
Right.
So, you're not a real policeman, then? No.
No, just costume.
I did want to be a detective when I was little, but Well, that's the beauty of acting - you can be a different person every week.
I wouldn't want to be anyone different.
I'm happy being me.
Bev! What are you doing here? I told you, you've got to stay in your room today! I'm sorry, sir.
Was she bothering you? No, no, not at all.
It's your house.
Come on! Shift yourself! - Back in your hutch! - Get knotted! She never listens to anything I say! I do apologise.
Honestly, please, you go about your business.
I'm fine.
It is her birthday, after all.
No, it's not.
Is that what she told you? She's such a liar.
She just does it for attention.
It's because she's an only child.
It's not real champagne.
It's Tropical Lucozade! Do you want some now? No, I've got a tea coming.
- I might see where she is, actually.
- Oh, no.
If you want a cuppa, I'll get you one.
Sit down! You get back to learning your lines and we'll leave you alone.
What's your name, love? - James.
- Nice to meet you, James.
I'm Oona, and this is my daughter, Bev.
Hi, Bev.
Nothing worse than someone busying themselves around you when you're trying to concentrate, is there? You just want peace and quiet.
Do you get fed up with people always asking you questions and wittering on at you? I know I would.
Comes with the job.
Have you got a big part, James? Shut up, you dirty bitch.
James knows what I mean, don't you, James? Yeah.
It's not a huge role, but it's important for the story.
UmI play Bobby.
- Bobby? - Yeah.
He's the one that reported that there was a sighting of baby Ryan in the park.
East Park, that was, wasn't it? Terrible business.
It's a nice scene for me, though.
I get to act with Adrian, so, you know, good for the show reel.
I'm not sure they should be dredging it all up again.
It was over 20 years ago.
It's a good script.
It's Jeff Pope, so sensitively done, you know? I should hope so.
That poor family.
Losing a child? People have no idea.
- Are you ready for me? - Not quite.
The plan is to do 15 first as they're all set up that way and push 42 to the end of the day.
Could I maybe go back to base, then, if it's going to be a while? No.
We'd rather have you on standby - in case the weather changes.
- Oh.
It's just I feel like I'm a little bit in the way here.
- Are these people bothering you? - No.
No, not at all.
Perfect.
Just sit tight here, then, and if you need anything else, just let me know, OK? And could I get Costume? Half my age, and she's telling me what to do.
She's great, though.
Do you want us to go and sit in the bedroom? No.
No, it's fine.
I do just need to look at my lines.
Of course.
Close your knees, please, Bev.
I am! She's such a tomboy.
It's nice having someone to talk to.
I never had any friends, cos they never let me go out! Of course we let you out.
You've never mixed well, that's all.
It's because she's got mental health.
I haven't got mental health! I'm just shy! Could I possibly use your loo? Oh, yes.
It's just through there.
And let us know if you think you'll need any more paper.
Ohno.
Just planning on number one.
That means a wee.
You've got to sit down for it, though.
Ok.
Down there on your right.
Took me half a fucking hour to get down t'street! Well, they're filming, aren't they? Sit down and I'll make you a tea.
No.
I need a shit first.
I'm busting.
- Who's in here? - It's an actor.
I told you - they're using our house to keep warm.
For fuck's sake! How long's he going to be? Leave him.
He's only doing a wee.
Well, what am I going to do, then? You'll just have to hold it.
Now, come on.
Oh! Hello.
Well, hurry up, then.
I'm crowning here.
Oh, shit! Great shot.
Sorry about that.
I'm James.
Thanks for letting us use your house.
You're not a real pig, are you? No.
No.
I'm just playingpig.
Six times they've been in here, going through that computer.
I told them, there's fuck all on it.
Must be annoying.
So, is this your script? There's nowt to it.
It's what we call the sides.
It's just the scenes we're filming today.
Right.
Are you the Bobby? - I play Bobby, yeah.
- He's not called Bobby.
He is a Bobby.
Look.
"The Bobby approaches.
" Yeah.
But in my mind, he's called Bobby as well, so He's in this, in't he, Ted Hastings? - It said in the paper.
- Yeah.
Adrian Dunbar.
Yeah.
I loved him as Plantagenet in The Hollow Crown.
I don't know if you saw it.
Part of Shakespeare's .
.
War of the Roses cycle.
I've just been watching them through the window.
They're doing the same thing again and again.
Yeah.
That's pretty much what filming is.
Well, it's driven me mad just looking at it.
So boring! Waiting around can be tiring, though.
- You fucking what? - Stan! No, it's just more mentally draining, sat slumped and then having to jump into it.
Sat slumped? I wish my job were fucking sat slumped all day.
- Stanley! - I'm out tarmacking the roads in the freezing cold at half five of a morning, mate! We do have early starts as well, because they get you in for the breakfast before you go into Make-Up.
- Are you taking the piss? - Leave him be! Do they say in the programme what they think happened to baby Ryan? They don't know what happened, do they? It was a mystery.
It was the mother's fault.
You don't go leaving babies outside newsagents just cos you've run out of fags.
She was only gone two minutes.
Came back - the pram's empty.
They haven't seen hide nor hair of him since.
Yeah.
It's a really great cliff-hanger for the end of ep one.
What do you think happened to him? Were you both living here at the time? - No.
- Yeah.
No.
We moved here from Filey a month or two afterwards.
Do you not remember? Course, yeah.
I know what really happened.
A dog took it.
Here we go.
It happened in Australia.
Yeah, with a dingo! They don't have dingoes in East Park.
Well, from what I've read in the script, Jeff thinks it might have been the uncle.
Who the fuck's Jeff? Jeff Bishop.
He's the writer.
Jeff Pope.
But, yeah, I mean .
.
that's what makes it such a great story.
There's so many layers to it.
Well, it's not a story for some people, though, is it? For some people, it's real life.
Excuse me.
Go and get dressed, you.
He don't want to sit here looking at your minge all afternoon.
- Chance'd be a fine thing.
- Just do it.
OK.
So, this is our greenroom.
- Right.
- Apologies it's so small and dingy.
We weren't able to get your trailer down onto set.
Oh, darling, no, no, no.
This is This is fine.
This is grand.
Honestly.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hello.
I'm Adrian.
Stan.
This is my house.
Oh! Great.
Nice to meet you, Stan.
- Hi.
I'm James.
Playing Bobby.
- THE bobby.
Well, we've got a scene coming up.
Have we? Oh, right! You've got the line about the dinosaur shawl.
Three lines, but, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, I was hoping that you and I could get together and discuss it, because the director's a sweetheart, but he doesn't give you any time for rehearsal and you know that's the problem with these little tellies.
But I don't need to tell you, cos you've probably done loads.
- Bits and bobs.
- Bits and bobs.
Hey, he's a massive fan of yours.
Really? Yeah.
He's obsessed with you.
He said he loves you.
No, I was talking about The Hollow Crown.
I thought you were brilliant in that.
Well, thank you.
And of course, I love you in Line Of Duty as well.
Another policeman.
- Sorry? - In this.
Playing another policeman.
Yes, but I'm playing him totally differently to Ted.
I mean, totally differently.
They're like chalk and cheese.
I mean, it's not the same performance at all! Yeah.
Course.
I can see that.
Put your foot in it there, didn't you? UmJo? Am I staying here with the guys? Yeah.
Sorry, sir.
I'm going to have to ask you to vacate the space for the time being.
- You what?! - This area's a designated greenroom for the day.
Greenroom?! It's my bloody lounge! You were paid, so It's apartheid, this.
- He's a character.
- I mean, Hastings?! He parts his hair to the left! Whereas Giles is much more swept back.
I mean, it's very different.
James, if you'd like to follow me, we've found another room for you.
Oh, actually, Jo, I'm fine with James being here.
Oh, because I was told under no circumstances No, no, no, darling, no.
It's absolutely fine.
It'll give us a chance to run the scene.
I could murder a cup of tea.
In your blue cup, yes? - If you wouldn't mind, babe.
- Course not.
And if you could get Wardrobe She's great, Jo, isn't she? So attentive.
Yeah.
Right, so let's look at the scene.
Scene 42.
It's a bit of a quickie, isn't it? All right.
So, the Bobby approaches.
Off you go.
"Excuse me, sir.
Can I have a word?" "Something's come up and I think it might be important.
" Yeah.
It's a bit of a mouthful, that, isn't it? I mean, why don't you just come in and say, "Excuse me, sir"? I'll say, "Yeah.
" And then you come out with the next line, yeah? Ok.
Right.
OK.
So from the top.
The Bobby approaches.
Yeah.
Yeah.
"We've had a potential sighting of a child "matching Ryan's description in East Park.
"He was carried by a man in a red tracksuit "and was wrapped in a shawl.
"I'm thinking that that could be the dinosaur shawl "that the mother told us about.
" Is that the one the grandmother knitted for him? Yes.
I think we've got him, guv.
I really think we've got the bastard.
There's real emotion in that last line, isn't there? Yeah, but I think there should be.
He's very clever, Jeff.
You know, I've been thinking .
.
about the shawl and all Which is really important.
Yeah.
No.
Absolutely.
But look, they're going to be on me for that.
You know, listening, taking it all in, so .
.
would it, in fact, be stronger if I snatched the pad from you and read it out like I'm reacting at the speed of thought? What do you think? Yeah.
We could try it.
Do you want to? All right, then.
Let's have a go.
Yeah? Potential sighting of a child matching Ryan's description in the East Park area, carried by a man in a red tracksuit, possibly wrapped in a dinosaur shawl! Is that the one that the grandmother knitted for him? - Yes.
- Yes! I think we've got him.
I really think we've got the bastard.
I think that works.
- I mean, it felt good, didn't it? - Yeah.
Did swap the last line round so that you said it.
Yeah, we did, didn't we? I didn't mind that.
Listen, I've got to call Jeff.
Yeah.
You You're going to be so good in this.
You know? Really.
I'm going to have to up my Yeah, Jeff? Yeah.
Look, Justin has come up with some fantastic ideas for scene 42.
Oh, yeah.
OK.
Listen, I'm just going to nip outside for a bit of fresh air because, you know, it stinks in here.
Yes.
Is it all right to come back in? Of course, yes.
You just missed Adrian.
We worked on the scene together.
I think it's .
.
it's better now.
I'm sorry about earlier.
It's just bringing it all back, you know? Seeing people trooping through the park, you sat there as a policeman.
Did you know Ryan's mother? I used to see her at the meat truck.
We only ever spoke if we banged faces.
She never treated that baby right, though.
Always crying.
Begging out to be held.
It was never going to end well.
I thought you said you weren't living here at the time.
Right, so, quick update.
42's up next after 15 and a pick-up on 18.
- They're just numbers to me, Jo.
- Perfect, thank you.
But before that, just to let you know, I'm going round getting a minute's silence from everyone for Ryan.
It's something Adrian's requested.
He thinks it's really important.
Absolutely.
Are we doing that now? Yes.
It's not a problem, is it? No, of course not.
It would have been his birthday today, apparently.
- But isn't it? - And go! Just one moment.
She's such a tomboy! Jo? OK.
We're back on.
Go ahead.
Can I have a word with you in private? Jo, listen.
I think I've uncovered - something terrible about this family.
- OK.
Unbelievably, I think that Oona and Stan are responsible for taking baby Ryan all those years ago.
- Say that again.
- I'm saying that their daughter, Bev, is actually Ryan grown up! I don't think he even knows or realises.
We've got to get the police here now.
OK, copy that.
So, James, that's 15 complete.
We're going to go on and rehearse 42 with yourself and Adrian.
- What were you just saying? - Never mind! Baa, baa, black sheep ♪ Have you any wool? ♪ Yes, sir, yes, sir ♪ Three bags full ♪ One for the master ♪ One for the dame ♪ And one for the little boy ♪ Who lives down the lane.
♪ - Bev? - Yeah? What are you doing? Having a birthday tea.
Have you got any photographs of yourself as a baby? Not many.
They didn't have cameras then.
Just phones.
I've got an album somewhere.
But me dad don't like me getting it out.
Shall I be Mother? Yeah.
That's me favourite game.
What's going on? What the fuck are you doing in here? We're just talking.
Talking?! Talking about what? He wanted to see me baby album but I can't find it.
All right.
That's enough.
I want you out of my daughter's bedroom now! Your daughter? Are you sure about that? Yeah.
What are you going on about? Dad, don't hurt him.
I'm not going to hurt him.
I just want to know what the fuck is going on here! You know the story of Dumbo? Yeah, I've seen it, like, a million times.
The storks come out with bundles for all the animals in the circus, and then they all get babies except for Mrs Jumbo - and then she's just really sad.
- Yeah.
Must be awful not being blessed that way.
Might tip someone over the edge to do something quite out of character.
What's going on? We're just talking about the elephant in the room.
What? Dumbo or Bev? What was it? You lost a child? Could never have children? Either way, you two took matters into your own hands, didn't you? - What's he talking about? - I've got no idea.
Course, you would have to move away for a while, somewhere quiet, away from prying eyes, but when you return, you've got a child of your own.
To avoid suspicion, Ryan has to be brought up as Bev.
- What?! - Isolated, infantilised, taught to play with dolls and wee sitting down.
She's always collected dolls.
I've seen the hair removal cream.
The girls in our family have always been very downy.
You were lying about moving to Filey.
That was because Stan was working and claiming social, - if you must know.
- Oona, don't.
It was just tarmacking driveways, cash in hand.
It wasn't much.
What about the red tracksuit? The matching birthdays? I never said it were my birthday.
Bev was ten years old when baby Ryan went missing.
She just looks young for her age because she's got a fat face.
I am stood here, you know! All right, explain this Ryan's shawl, not seen for over 20 years - - what's that doing here? - Excuse me.
Oh, good! You found it.
I'll just let them know.
Yeah, could you tell Costume we've found the shawl? It was in the greenroom.
Sheridan must have left it in here yesterday.
Right, we're onto scene 42, if you'd like to follow me.
Excuse me.
What?! - Come on, James.
- Why won't anybody listen to me? This whole thing is a cover-up.
I've cracked the case! I've found baby Ryan! Sorry, are you going through your lines? You want proof? Look! I take it they're not moobs.
Yeah.
Oh, hello, mate.
Doing a warm-up? Not enough actors do that kind of thing these days, you know.
Anyway, look, I've had a word with Jeff.
He loves all your ideas.
He did have one thought, though.
You know that line, you know, after the bit about the shawl, what is it? ErI just say yes.
Yeah.
You don't need it, mate.
Do it with a nod.
Jo, I want make-up standing by with a tear stick, because I want the next bit to look really real.
- Sure.
- Good.
Yeah? "Potential sighting of a child matching Ryan's description "in the East Park area, carried by a man in a red tracksuit, "possibly wrapped in a dinosaur shawl.
" Is that the one that the grandmother knitted for him? I think we've got him.
I really think we've got the bastard.
And you can see the concluding episode of this exciting drama That James isn't much of an actor, is he? Glorified extra.
I'm finding it a bit slow.
They should have put some action into it.
They can't, can they? They've got to stick to what actually happened.
That's the problem, isn't it? It has no ending.
No-one knows what happened.
No.
They don't, do they?