Superstore (2015) s06e04 Episode Script

Okay, Glenn texted
that he's "rubbing a little latte,"
which is either an autocorrect issue
or a new fetish I don't wanna know about,
so let's just dive in.
In-person shopping has taken
a real kick in the nuts,
because of COVID, so Cloud 9 is trying
to lure customers back in here
by doing something they're calling
the In-store-vaganza.
Wait, did I, did I read that right?
Yeah, you did. It's just terrible.
So Cloud 9 just thinks
that that pandemic is over?
Because I'm pretty sure
nobody told the pandemic that.
You gotta look at it
from corporate's perspective.
They love money,
and they don't care if we die.
Ah, yeah, that makes sense.
Okay, this event
is pretty straightforward.
With every purchase,
they spin the wheel and win a prize.
You'll notice there's
a slot listed as "fun."
I think you're supposed
to provide the customer
with fun at your own discretion.
Just, you know, keep it above the belt.
What happens if they land
on the MC Cool Cloud?
This waking nightmare happens.
An MC Cool Cloud
collectable bobbling figure.
Legally, we can't call it a bobblehead
as his entire body does the bobbling.
I always thought the cloud was his head,
and he had no body.
No, he's all body.
So he has eyes in the middle of his chest.
That's better than arms growing
out of the sides of his head.
Oh, like hell it is.
Hey, guys, sorry I'm late,
but to kick things off,
-I brought donuts.
-Mmm.
You know, help us get
into the in-store-vajanza spirit.
Oh, please, Glenn, hard G.
Gosh, it's just so nice
to be doing something positive
with all the bad news
out there in the world.
Like this morning, I found out
that Bev from my church has COVID.
-Oh, no.
-Oh.
She seemed fine
at choir practice last night.
I mean, she coughed a couple of times,
but I thought that was from the high note.
No, Glenn, Glenn, you need to leave now,
and isolate until you can get tested.
But I'll miss the event.
Glenn, I got this. You gotta go.
-Are you sure?
-Yes, we're sure. Go!
-Glenn.
-[Glenn sighs]
Okay, let me just spin it
one time before--
[all] No!
[upbeat music]
I've scheduled everyone
an hour on the wheel,
well, half an hour for the real uggos.
We're trying to bring people
into the store.
-Why are we walking so fast?
-I'm literally winded.
Cheyenne, you're still gonna have to stay
on top of deliveries.
Produce comes at eleven.
Bananas sit on that truck
five minutes too long,
you're taking a trip to bruise town.
-You mean the bananas or me?
-Mm-hm.
Dina, you have Justine and me
at the same register,
but lady is on my last nerve today.
Can you please switch me anywhere?
Here's what we're gonna do.
You're gonna go back
and work on that register with Justine,
and you're not gonna complain about it,
because that's what you were hired to do.
I mean, unless,
were you hired to complain?
-Is that your job?
-No.
Didn't think so. Have fun.
-[chuckles]
-What?
Me? Nothing. I think Cheyenne thought
you were being too harsh, but--
I did, but don't say that.
I'm not being harsh. I'm being firm.
Look, I get that
Glenn likes to coddle everyone,
but it is my store today,
so while I have the chance,
I am going to do everything the right way.
-Mm, yeah, pressure's kind of on, huh?
-What's that supposed to mean?
Just, like, you know, after all the smack
you've talked about Glenn,
people kind of expect you
to kill it right out the gate.
Not a problem for me.
I'm gonna turn this place
into the most efficient machine
you have ever seen.
Yes, even more efficient
than United Alloy's
aluminum extrusion press.
[cackles]
God.
Oh, we've done 10,000 steps already.
Oh, my God, what's the max?
There's no… uh, you just keep on walking.
Like, unlimited?
[cell phone chiming]
-Glenn?
-Yeah, hey, Sandra, to your left!
[Glenn] Hi, yeah, I can't go home yet,
'cause Jerusha's still setting up
the garage for me to quarantine in.
She's gonna put me between the paint cans
and the blow-up angels.
Oh, okay, that's nice.
Yeah, so listen, you've got
to tell me about the wheel.
Did it do that thing where it looks
as though it's gonna land
on a really good prize,
but then it lands
on, like, a less good prize?
Did it do that?
I, I haven't seen it personally,
but I've heard that has happened.
[Glenn] Really? What a rush.
Hey, what if you kept me on the phone?
That way, I could hear
how the event was going firsthand,
and, and besides, you know,
the more I talk,
the less likely I am to dig
into these 72 donuts.
Oh, sure, Glenn. I'll stay on.
[Glenn] Oh, great.
Sandra, it's actually 71 1/2 donuts.
I'm sorry.
All right, go claim your prize,
and I will disinfect this again.
Uh, oh, hey, Cheyenne,
uh, is it cool if I take off
for a few minutes around three?
Uh, yeah, sure. Why are you asking me?
Uh, because you're floor supervisor now.
Oh, yeah, duh, I forgot.
Yeah, that's fine.
Great, awesome, thanks.
My dad keeps pushing me
to interview with this friend of his.
He's got, like, an opening
at a roofing company or whatever.
Oh, I might have to get the name from you.
We need some work on our roof.
Bo tried to cut out our own skylight,
and it is messed.
-Wait, you're looking for a new job?
-No, no, no.
It's not like I'm, like,
dying to work in roofing.
I just gotta get my dad off my back.
He keeps telling me I have to move on.
He also keeps telling me I have to watch
the show Yellowstone,
but it looks really violent.
Jonah, Garrett, some customers
have been complaining about a weird smell.
Oh, yeah, it's, like, our worst smell yet.
It's like two moldy sponges
puked on each other.
Wow, that's, that's exactly what it is.
Okay, I'm manager today,
so if they smelt it,
it's as though I dealt it.
I need you two to locate this,
and eliminate it.
[Garrett] So just to be clear,
this is cooler than roofing?
Hmm.
All I know is that to me ♪
You look like you're lots of fun ♪
Open up your lovin' arms ♪
I want some… ♪
Marcus, why is this here?
The prize bin is supposed
to be overflowing to pull people in.
That's, like, carnie 101.
Sorry, I've just been feeling
a little down lately.
Yeah, you know what makes me feel down?
People who don't do their jobs.
For me, it's more the virus stuff.
You know, I just became an uncle,
and I haven't even been able
to meet my fat baby nephew yet.
I mean, look at those rolls.
[chuckles]
You could lose a ChapStick in there.
You know, if I could get
an extra five at lunch today,
he should be up from his nap,
and I could FaceTime him--
Yeah, wouldn't it be great
if we could just all FaceTime
our fat friends anytime we wanted?
What a world that would be.
-But Dina--
-No.
If I make an exception for you,
pretty soon Preeti's gonna be
wearing her sandals on the floor,
and Jay's gonna be listening to his iPod,
and this place is gonna
turn into Woodstock.
There she is.
Dina, you have to take me
off of Sayid's register.
She calls everyone "Mama."
"Hey, there, Mama.
Paper or plastic, Mama?"
They're not your mama.
Your mother lives in Sarasota.
You just can't handle women
lifting up other women.
Hey, hey, hey, I can fix this, okay?
Just calm down. Everybody close your eyes.
Now take a deep breath.
[all breathe deeply]
Okay, now shut the [bleep] up,
and go back to work.
[scoffs]
Unbelievable.
The smell's gotta be coming from toys.
The stuff I've seen kids do
to these things should be illegal.
Aha!
Completely encrusted.
Ugh, look at yourself.
Go ahead. Smell that little bastard.
[sniffs]
Nah, it's not our guy.
Jonah, I looked up that company,
and they don't do roof repair.
They do solar panels.
I guess we could cover our hole with one,
but probably cheaper
-to just stick with the mattress we found.
-Whoa!
This is a total solar energy company.
Why didn't my dad say that?
They do hydronic heating too?
I wonder if they mess with geothermal.
We're all wondering that.
Oh, have you heard
of that company, though,
that can turn anything
in your house into a fish tank?
You should see if your dad knows that guy.
-[Jonah] Yeah.
-[Garrett] Yeah, that guy is pretty dope.
I heard he gives you a free fish.
[Sandra] Okay, wheel's spinning.
Still spinning.
Customer looks like she's hoping
it'll land on something good, I think.
Oh, my gosh, I feel like I'm there.
You're so good at this.
Sandra, you could do golf…
[stomach rumbling]
Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
[stomach rumbles]
[tapping stomach]
Go on.
Hey, um, did you leave these
on my desk to fax to corporate?
Yeah, I'm writing up Justine,
Marcus, and Sayid.
A little extreme,
but where it says offense,
you have to check a box.
You can't just write "actively worthless."
-But they were being actively worthless.
-Whoa, you okay there?
[sighs]
Cheyenne had a point.
I have been criticizing Glenn
for years, passionately.
I like to think I've made something
of an art form out of it.
But now that it's my turn,
I, I kind of have to be perfect,
so I just… I can't deal
with anyone's emotional nonsense today.
I know, but the thing is,
employees here are "people."
-[groans]
-They're gonna have conflicts.
They're gonna want to complain
about their lives.
It's just part of work.
Not today, it's not.
[phone beeps]
Attention Cloud 9 employees,
this is your manager.
New policy.
Starting now, there will be absolutely
no personal talk on the floor.
[Dina] Work talk only. Zero tolerance.
Also, this policy is retroactive
to 20 minutes ago,
so, Elias, please see me in my office.
[quirky music]
-Hey, how's your day going?
-[device beeps]
I… I'm not allowed to tell you.
[Jonah] And this company puts
a major focus on education.
They pay for each of their employees
to become lead certified green associates.
[Garrett] Okay, well,
you wanna start mopping here
before this thing becomes sentient
-and starts to fight back?
-[Cheyenne] Ooh.
[Garrett] Oh, hey, we found something.
Something liquified.
I think there might be teeth in it.
Mm, nah, that's not the smell
you're looking for.
This smells more like
someone farted in a Tupperware,
and left it on a hot driveway.
You are alarmingly good at that.
Yeah, sorry, guys. Keep looking.
Actually, Cheyenne, would it be all right
if I took my break a little bit early?
I just kind of wanna have some time
to prep for my interview.
I thought you didn't care about that job.
Yeah, but, you know, these people
are actually making a difference.
Plus, I've been here for five years,
and I'm clearly not moving up,
so I might as well look at other options.
-Yeah, do what you gotta do.
-[Jonah] Awesome, thank you.
Um, don't let that touch your bare skin.
[Cheyenne] Mm.
You're just gonna let him ditch?
I mean, I feel kind of bad for him.
Like, this year's been tough enough,
and then he had the big breakup
on top of it.
I caught him listening
to this music in his car,
it didn't even have a beat.
It was just, like, a guitar and a man.
Like, what?
No way. I'm telling you.
Look at her from the side,
and you can see--
Okay, you heard Dina's rule.
I'm guessing this gossip
isn't exactly work related.
But for my files, I'll need to know
what the rumor was.
It was about Sarah's nose job, wasn't it?
Because she totally got one, right?
[Janet] Well, according to Nicki--
Save it, Janet!
I'm trying to work, and you should be too.
[Dina] Final warning, Janet.
Ugh, anyway, you were saying?
Does this come in any other colors?
No idea. I'm just trying to picture
my fat nephew squeeze into this bad boy.
Keep it between us, though.
My boss doesn't want me talking about him.
Hey, any chance you could FaceTime him
while I secretly watch?
Uh, I… I'm, I'm not gonna do that.
Please, I need this. He's so fat.
Dang, another empty one.
Just more moldy cheese.
[Garrett] Cheer up, we'll find
a dead rat in the next one.
Whoa, once you're away from it,
and you come back,
the smell really hits you.
[Garrett] Hits you pretty hard
when you're here the whole time too.
Yeah, I'm so glad you're back.
I need to tag out.
Oh, actually, I was kind of hoping to prep
for my interview a little bit more.
It's kind of my deep, dark secret,
but I've never stayed awake
through An Inconvenient Truth,
so I gotta go watch that.
It's just, I've been covering
for you for a while,
and I have to go do other stuff too.
Yeah, totally, but I, I already
changed shirts, you know,
so I was kind of hoping
to be fully off smell-hunting.
-Okay, fine.
-Yeah, sure.
I mean, you know, buttons are permanent,
and once you have a shirt on,
there's no way to change it.
-What is with you?
-It's uncool, man.
-You're ditching us.
-Oh, is that what this is all about?
Buddy, we can still hang out
even when I go to my new job.
I'm not talking about that.
I'm talking about you bailing on work.
You bail on work all the time.
I don't bail on work. I half-ass it.
-There's a difference.
-Okay, you're not getting it.
I have an opportunity
that I'm actually psyched about,
and I'm sorry,
but that's a little more important to me
than finding out what smells.
[Garrett] Well, good luck
with your interview, buddy.
Thank you.
I was being sarcastic,
and it came off supportive.
-[Cheyenne] Yeah, it's okay.
-I know.
Okay, we're ready for you, Mama.
[beeps]
What, you got something to say?
No, I'm not allowed.
Cash or credit, Mama?
[Sayid groans]
Oh, God, I'm so sorry!
That might have been a COVID donut, sir.
[Dina] I don't understand what the--
[cell phone chiming]
Ugh.
Glenn.
Dina. How's it going in there?
Oh, my first week as manager,
I was so stressed,
all of my leg hair fell off.
You know, I thought
about getting into swimming
'cause, you know, it's supposed to be--
I'm not stressed at all. It's going great.
I've kind of adopted a North Korean model,
and I think people
are really responding to that.
Oh, cool.
Hey, uh, we just need you
inside real quick.
-Oh, my God.
-[Sayid] Is she your mother?
-Is she?
-[Justine] Leave me alone!
Stop saying "mama"!
-Nope.
-I didn't say anything--
-It's not okay.
-[Dina] Sayid, seriously?
I told you I couldn't work with her!
Are you the manager?
-'Cause your employee's harassing me.
-Dude, if it's too awkward,
just FaceTime your own baby,
and I'll watch.
Also, I don't know if you've noticed,
but there's a really
-gross smell here today.
-I noticed!
I can't believe people refuse
to follow one simple rule.
Yeah, maybe because that rule
was really insane?
This job is hard enough.
People need to talk,
to vent, to feel heard.
It's like they're emotionally constipated,
and some of them
are very physically bloated as well.
What, so because I'm manager,
I have to help people poop
their emotions all over the place?
You know what?
Glenn's still in the parking lot,
and honestly, he lives for this stuff.
Maybe people can go out there, and,
you know, he can handle
that part of the job.
Uh-uh, no way. I don't need Glenn's help.
If listening is part
of the job description,
then I'm gonna be like…
-Like what?
-Like that.
I was listening.
-[footsteps receding]
-Oh… okay.
Glenn, I'm sorry, but I'm in electronics,
so I can't see the wheel.
-Plus, I'm not supposed to be talking.
-[Glenn] Real quick.
I just had a few ideas
for when the wheel lands on "fun."
Okay, can you just FaceTime me?
'Cause it's kind of more of a dance.
Meeting, break room, now.
[skeleton screeches]
Sandra, what is going on in there?
I hear screaming.
I will slaughter you all!
Sandra, be careful.
That lady sounds like bad news!
Okay, gang, it's been brought
to my attention that my no-talking policy
may have been a little extreme.
Okay, I heard that. You were all heard.
So new rule.
Talking about our feelings
is now encouraged.
Your manager is listening.
[Cheyenne] Mmm…
Come on, talk!
Marcus, I know you have something.
What was it? Your nephew's dead?
Fat.
[sighs]
I'm afraid he's gonna grow
into those juicy thighs any day now,
-and I'm gonna miss it all.
-[Dina] Okay.
Thank you, Marcus.
Let's all come together for Marcus.
If you have fat baby photos,
send 'em his way.
Skateboard fail videos help too.
-They're hilarious.
-Okay, love this.
Seems great, but maybe we should set
some ground rules.
Yeah, like won't it get really awkward
if we all say how we really feel
about Corey's new hat?
I watched a tutorial
on how to cut my own hair.
-I need a week.
-Okay, I got this.
Look, what I'm hearing is
Corey's hat is a bummer.
-[all murmur]
-But Corey's new haircut
might be an even bigger bummer, yeah?
-[Cheyenne] Mm. That's true.
-[Dina] Yeah?
-Who's next?
-I'll go.
-Mm-hmm.
-I also hate Corey's hat.
Yeah, okay,
we've already explored the hat.
I feel as though
my language is being policed.
Like, I should be able
to call people "mama" or "girlfriend"
-or "my bad biatch."
-Should you?
I keep putting my funny bumper stickers
on Sandra's locker,
and she keeps peeling 'em off,
-and it hurts.
-Okay.
They say, "I heart musty balls,"
and it just doesn't really
reflect my opinions.
Sandra, Earl's in pain.
This is not about defending yourself.
We are here to listen.
Wait. People aren't allowed
to defend themselves?
Then I have a ton of stuff.
Okay, maybe we wrap this up.
As long as we're airing things out,
has anyone noticed anything different
about Sarah's face?
This, I think, we should hear out.
Oh, my gosh, I didn't get a nose job.
I got new glasses and a frickin' haircut.
Girl, obviously.
[chuckles]
[whispers]
No way, it's a thing.
They're a huge water drain,
and they're already designed to get sun,
so I say turn every golf course
into a solar farm.
And I realize that killing golf
is a risky suggestion to make
in the business world, but--
I'd be all for that. I hate golf.
Awesome, yeah. You know, I'm sorry.
I don't even know
why I started talking about that.
No worries.
My best ideas come when my mind wanders.
Yeah, right, right?
Just try and stop
this mind from wandering.
[chuckles]
But not in, like,
an attention deficit disorder situation.
Although there really
shouldn't be a stigma…
Um, what is your timeline
for making this decision?
Decision?
Uh, for the job that I'm interviewing for.
Oh, I'm sorry, Jonah.
I was under the impression
this would just be
a "pick my brain" type thing.
Your dad said it might be helpful,
get you motivated?
Oh, you were doing it for my dad.
[scoffs]
Uh, well, I mean, as long as we're here,
you know, any chance you're hiring?
I mean, we are, but you spent
the last five years working in retail.
You don't have any corporate experience.
In this hiring market, it'd be tough
to justify bringing you on.
Oh, I see, right.
Well, but I, I did go to business school.
Oh, really? I didn't see that on here.
When did you graduate?
I, uh, didn't.
Okay, it was nice meeting you, Jonah.
Stay safe.
-But I absorbed a lot of concepts.
-[laptop chimes]
[sighs]
[overlapping chatter]
Okay, you know what?
Garrett totally stole my look,
and no one is talking about it.
How is this your look?
Not the look I have now.
The look I was gonna go for.
Okay, guys, the goal is not to fight.
I think Jerry should have
ended up with Carol!
-[all gasp]
-How dare you!
Okay, okay, okay, whoa, whoa, whoa!
All right, that's our time! This was good.
Is everybody good? We're good?
Are you kidding?
You made everything worse.
Yeah, and now I have to go back out,
and work next to someone who thinks
I ate a curly fry off the ground.
I saw what I saw.
Okay, all right, new rule.
No one can be mad about whatever
was said in this room, okay?
You just have to all go out there
and act normal.
So, uh… break!
Ugh, this whole day sucks.
Yeah, Dina, I'm sorry, no offense,
but I've never seen anyone worse
at this job.
-[all murmuring]
-Yeah, when's Glenn coming back?
Don't let 'em get you down, Mama.
Jesus, Justine, take a note!
[quirky music]
Okay, so now that we got it,
what do we do with it?
I think we just drive, like,
30 miles out of town and dump it.
Oh, hey, you solved the smell, huh?
Uh, yeah, but you don't want
to get any closer.
Protect the shirt at all costs.
The shirt actually ended up not mattering.
I am apparently not a qualified candidate,
but, uh, you know, don't worry.
They said they wouldn't keep me in mind.
Uh, I'm sorry, guys.
I, I got ahead of myself, I think,
and I guess I was just excited
to be excited about something.
Yeah, whatever.
Solar's just a fad, anyways.
It's gonna be all about the moon
before you know it.
Look, I get it. I've been rejected
from GameStop, like, four times.
Think I just want it too bad.
But, hey, we get to keep you here,
and next mystery scent is all yours.
[chuckles]
Thanks, that's comforting.
Uh, so what was it?
We don't know.
It looked kind of like
an inside-out otter.
Yeah, we should
probably donate it to science,
but we're just gonna toss it.
Look, today was a little bumpy,
but hey, sales are up.
We gave out a ton of those bobbleheads.
God forgive us.
We basically had a mutiny on our hands.
People wanted Glenn back.
[scoffs]
I even lost Cheyenne,
and she'd follow a balloon
with a smiley face on it…
which is basically what Glenn is.
Man, I just thought
I'd be so good at this.
I'm sorry.
Do you wanna talk about it?
I just did.
Oh, you mean more? God, no.
Look, I don't understand why everybody
wants to talk everything to death.
Like, whatever happened
to just taking a baseball bat
to your neighbor's trash can?
Okay.
[groans]
Well, do you wanna, like,
go smash something?
Yeah. Yeah, I do.
-[Justine grunting]
-[all cheering]
How do you feel, Justine?
Amazing. I have been wanting
to hit something with a bat
since the "Lemonade" video.
-[man] Hit it!
-[all cheering]
Bring back Vampire Diaries!
The hat was a gift!
-Oh, we're doing this because we--
-No, don't need to know.
Today is… ♪
[all] Oh!
[woman] Okay, man!
[all cheering]
Yeah!
No, honey, just put two weeks' worth
of ham in the garage,
and then I can… What?
[Glenn] Why?
[all cheering]